It's back.... with a vengeance.

[Daniel]

Daniel, I haven't read all of the thread, and will give more attention to this later, but for now I send you a lot of light. Everyone one who reads this, you can help Daniel by visualizing loving, healing white light infusing his body and being. Just put your hugs into that form, and your wishes for him to feel more at peace. Also, Daniel, check your PMs ASAP.

Jenny

Nothing's there yet... lol. How long does it take?

[ednbarby]

Of course, the irony in "If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it" from Brokeback's standpoint is that Ennis really *could have* fixed it, but his ingrained fears held him back.

In your case, I don't believe that it is something that can be fixed.  You're in love.  Unrequited love is still love just as much as love that is returned, after all.  In fact that much moreso in the exquisite particular pain of its unrequitedness.

You've heard of Vlad the Impaler?  I am Barb the Enabler.  Here, lemme pour you a good stiff drink while we're at it.  Take two - they're small.  (Very) seriously, I hope I don't sound like I'm inviting you to self-medicate by saying all you can do is ride it out.  Just the contrary - riding this out is like riding out coming off of heroin, I imagine.  It's just that I don't think you can fix love.  Time does heal - it's the only thing that does.  But I'll warn you (and you probably already know) - you'll never stop loving him.  Just like my real-life ultimately unrequited love - years later, when his name comes up in conversation with a mutual friend, it always makes me smile.  And stabs me in the heart at the same time.  Same, believe it or not, with JF.  The adoration I felt for him was every bit as real and potent as that I felt for JM (what's with all the friggin' Js, anyway?  Is there an alphaology, like numerology, at work, here???).  The only difference is I actually got to see and touch (for a while) the latter in the flesh.

I truly feel your pain, Daniel.  But I wouldn't trade these experiences I've had for never having known that pain.  Because I think I wouldn't really have lived as fully as I have.

[Daniel]

The way you describe it, it sounds like it doesn't really heal at all, it just fades away over time...

That's what I thought had happened before, then it surged back. How do I know that if it fades away again it won't come back worse than it has before?

Not trying to be contentious, just curious.

[scottf.]

Dear Daniel,

Here's my two cents, based on personal experience.

I've read your posts, and what your turning out right now, as far as your writing, is absolutely beautiful, stunning, heartfelt, and yearning. I KNOW it's coming from pain, but it doesn't make your writing--how you are interpreting what is happening to you--any less beautiful. Marvelous stuff. Hope that doesn't sound cold.

I was unhappily in love a few years ago. I'll spare the details. But what I did was pour my heart out into my journals, letters to friends, etc. It didn't FEEL like it was helping much at the time, but it DID help. And now I can look back on all that writing (I saved it all) and think, "Wow, what an experience. I'm glad I documented it." And document it I did. Every glance, every imagining, every dream, every conversation.

Keep pouring it out, Daniel. We're reading and comiserating.

[Daniel]

You know what I think would work...

He should record a message somewhere which says something like "Yeah, um. I don't like you. Don't ever want to hear from you again. Bye, forever." If I could just hear those words coming from his voice, I feel like I could get over it rather quickly.

Anyway, crazy ideas being thrown out.

[newyearsday]

Daniel, I haven't read all of the thread, and will give more attention to this later, but for now I send you a lot of light. Everyone one who reads this, you can help Daniel by visualizing loving, healing white light infusing his body and being. Just put your hugs into that form, and your wishes for him to feel more at peace. Also, Daniel, check your PMs ASAP.

Jenny

Nothing's there yet... lol. How long does it take?

Sorry!! Check now, in two minutes! I got waylayed (sp?) in Signal. And, ditto what Barb said (as you know from previous conversations about this, I think. Still, more later. Now check PMs)

[Daniel]

Cool, thanks.

[ednbarby]

You know what I think would work...

He should record a message somewhere which says something like "Yeah, um. I don't like you. Don't ever want to hear from you again. Bye, forever." If I could just hear those words coming from his voice, I feel like I could get over it rather quickly.

Anyway, crazy ideas being thrown out.

Not crazy at all.  I think that's why I still feel so attached to that one unrequited love in my life - because he never did say those words.  The only thing that got me most of the way past all-consuming thoughts of him was when he finally did get serious with someone else, and I saw how he was with her in person and how so not like how he was with me that was.  But before he did that, the bastard had the nerve to tell me, after I'd met and had been dating my now husband for two months and was very happy in that relationship, that it "killed" him to think of me with another man.  Then he proceeded to look at me with puppy dog eyes every time I saw him socially thereafter for another year, until he started seeing his now wife.  I really think that had he just said to me when we broke up, "The truth is, I don't love you and I don't want you in my life," though it would have hurt like hell for a little while, it would have made him much easier to get over.  And yes, the trouble with loving these guys is that there isn't even the opportunity for that.  It's devastating.  Believe me, I know.

And I think Scott's right, too.  Keep writing, keep pouring it out.  And don't burn it when you're done with it.  And I do promise you again, you will be done with it.  I think it's just resurged because the DVD's coming out renewed everyone's fervor for this movie - naturally all that would affect you.  Same thing happened with me with Shakespeare in Love.  There was a month or so lapse where I actually was able to function quite nicely without obsessing over JF's every little move, thankyouverymuch.  Then the goddamned DVD came out, and I was right back at Square One.  Again, don't be too hard on yourself about that.

[sparkle_motion]

Daniel, please don't feel embarrassed or apologize! You have no reason to apologize.
There are too many people that lack the capacity to love and you have that and it should be cherished. You should feel privileged, not embarrassed!

[Daniel]

Thank you both...

I do cherish the capacity to love, but I am ashamed about its direction. In fact I would almost prefer the terms "romantic obsession" to love because of that shame. Love is something which can be returned.

That being said, there is still a part of me that wants to call it love. *sighs in pain* But I think it is the idea that it can be returned from that particular direction which is ultimately the fictional aspect of it, the "dream-fantasy-reality".

I am not certain that I can stand this pain. I can try, but it interferes with so much of my capacity to live. I relish the feeling, but I have to try to avoid it in order to work and live as a normal human being.