Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

   Hee-hee! Love it, Geri! I laughed out loud! 

Here's one of my favourites:

Nestled safely within the bosom of her village, deep within the Veneto, Maria was making preparations for her forthcoming wedding day.

She had always been a “good” girl and had no experience of men. She was, therefore, understandably nervous about her wedding night and voiced her concerns to her mother, at every opportunity. Mama was an old fashioned kinda gal, who always responded in the same way to every one of Maria’s questions, “Do your duty by your husband, Maria!”

And so Maria’s wedding day came to pass. There was a beautiful ceremony in the village church, followed by a lovely reception in her parent’s home. After the reception, Maria and her new husband retired to one of the upstairs bedrooms. They would be living with Maria’s parents until they could save enough to buy their own home.

As Maria and Rocco began to undress, in preparation for bed, Maria saw, to her surprise, that Rocco had hairy shoulders.

Much distressed, she rushed downstairs to her mother, exclaiming, “Mama, Mama, he’s-a got-a big-a hairy shoulders!”

“Go back upstairs and do your duty,” responded her mother.

Returning to her bedroom, Maria saw Rocco had completely removed his shirt and that he had pierced nipples.

She again rushed downstairs, shouting, “Mama, Mama, he’s-a got-a rings-a in his nipples!”

Mama responded, “Go back upstairs, Maria, and do your duty.”

Maria again returned to her bedroom, to find that Rocco was sitting on the edge of the bed, where he had just removed his shoes and socks. She was startled to see that he had a club foot!

Again rushing downstairs, Maria threw herself into her mother’s arms, sobbing, “Mama, Mama, he’s got a foot and a half!”

To which her mother responded, pushing Maria aside and bounding up the stairs, taking them two by two, “Step aside, Maria, this is a job for Mama!”

[Arad-3]

HaHaHaHa!!!!

  This is a job for Mama, I just love it!!!! 

[Arad-3]

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband." 

[Kerry]

                   

Geri, I wonder why women and gay men are so good at communicating, whereas straight men are so bad at it.     

[Kerry]

Don’t Mess with Grandma!

This arrived in my in-box at work today. The original was presented as a newspaper clipping. Made me laugh!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car..!!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. She told her story to the sergeant, who couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman, described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

[Kerry]

Life in the Middle Ages

Not sure this is technically comedy, but it sure is fascinating! 

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It's raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the term, “threshold.”

(Getting quite an education, aren't we?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the pot had food in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing death by lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of  places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard
shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring!

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

[dot-matrix]

Thanks for the smiles this evening you guys...this little guy cracked me up on an e-mail today 


Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from Sexi Luv.com

[UntamedFriesian]

Does Bettermost have a new Hair Salon???

[UntamedFriesian]

"OOOWWWW  I told you not to pull my ears"

[UntamedFriesian]

Uh, excuse me mister,  are you my mother?