Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[elomelo]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.  There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some, Thanks for the warning".

"Well not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh No" says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds.  So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say "$20 or off it comes".

"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck.  By the way, what's int the other bag?"

"Well," says the little lady - "Not all of them pay".

 

I shouldn't be laughing but - 

[Katie77]

A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age

                               Pension.

                               The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to

                               verify his age.

                               

                               He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home.

                               

                               He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his

                               wallet at home.

                               

                               "I will have to go home and come back later" he said. The woman says,

                               

                               'Unbutton your shirt.'

                               

                               So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That

                               silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his

                               Age Pension application.

                               

                               When he returned home,the man excitedly tells his wife about his

                               experience at the Centrelink office.

                               

                               She says,'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have got the

                               Disability Pension, too!'

[Katie77]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well!" said the Englishman, "Has this actually happened to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[Katie77]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said
The plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he
Had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
And went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

 

[dot-matrix]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

[dot-matrix]

A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....

well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!

felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.

he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....

felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"

[Katie77]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same
neighbourhood.
   
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
   
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in
an18-carat gold box.
   
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old
Scotch whisky.
   
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.
   
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb
blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
dollars for?"
   
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you".
   
He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."
   
She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."