Author Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub  (Read 1190314 times)

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #490 on: May 30, 2007, 09:30:04 am »

Hey, wipe that grin off your face! Are you stoned or something? (Stupid rock!)

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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #491 on: May 30, 2007, 09:33:10 am »

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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #492 on: May 30, 2007, 02:07:01 pm »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #493 on: May 30, 2007, 02:08:30 pm »
Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"
  :o
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #494 on: May 30, 2007, 02:11:20 pm »
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #495 on: May 30, 2007, 02:18:38 pm »
THE SCOTSMAN'S KILT  

A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman who is young and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

They crept up to the sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said we'd best be gone
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
They took a blue silk ribbon and they tied it in a bow
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a tree
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
He said, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"




« Last Edit: May 30, 2007, 06:25:25 pm by dot-matrix »
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #496 on: May 30, 2007, 06:21:25 pm »
Kitty Porn ?

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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #497 on: May 31, 2007, 01:41:47 am »
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Aw, hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #498 on: May 31, 2007, 01:52:08 am »
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she
notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the
intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old
poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but
the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard
is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead
of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get
close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story.

Don't mess with old people ... age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! B-S and brilliance only come with
age and experience!
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #499 on: May 31, 2007, 09:36:56 am »
Kitty Porn ?


Here's more Kitty Porn, Dottie. A disgusting scene from a Kitty Massage Parlour. Tst!  ::)

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