Author Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub  (Read 1205061 times)

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #520 on: June 04, 2007, 01:14:01 am »

I am but the humble apprentice to Dottie's sorcerer here. Dottie makes me laugh every day. Thank you, Dottie!  :-*


Kerry you are too kind.  I prefer to think of us as in this together, more like the Clown Prince and Princess if your were  :laugh: but I am touched and very pleased that I have been able to bring you a chuckle occassionally.  :-*

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #521 on: June 04, 2007, 01:18:17 am »
Yes, Kerry and Dottie are the King and Queen of comedy in these parts Sharon.

And the rest of us come in here every now and then and laugh like fools.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #522 on: June 04, 2007, 01:22:22 am »
Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND...........

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .  Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . .  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . .  Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time

He said . . .  Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #523 on: June 04, 2007, 01:28:27 am »
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side;

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,"
he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.  'I told her, 'of course they're too big.   I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.  I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused, removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your ********* attitude, you never will."




Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #524 on: June 04, 2007, 01:31:48 am »
Uhmm...O.K. ... so Where did they bury the rest of him   ???

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #525 on: June 04, 2007, 01:33:55 am »
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement..."
;D
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline David In Indy

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #526 on: June 04, 2007, 01:34:45 am »
 :laugh:  :laugh:
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #527 on: June 04, 2007, 01:36:11 am »
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"GET HIM SPIKE!"
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #528 on: June 04, 2007, 02:35:20 am »
Subject: Bob's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.   When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.  For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden

I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because
of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on May 27th.

The police report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #529 on: June 04, 2007, 02:50:18 am »
[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=7EAbDTqHNY4[/youtube]

Defintely enough to swear some folks off parenthood forever!  That or drive condom sales through the roof! 
Little Monster  :laugh:
Life is not a dress rehearsal