Dealing With the Brokeback Non-Believers

[Phillip Dampier]

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about Brokeback Mountain.  He's gay and in a relationship with someone for several years now.  When I broached the issue of BBM with him and told him about my efforts here on BetterMost, I was stunned to hear his reaction to the movie.  He thought it was terrible.  He didn't actually go and see it in a theater, he saw it from one of those copies that suddenly and mysteriously appeared on his computer.  I was floored to hear things like:

- the movie continued the stereotype that gay men can't maintain relationships;
- it had two gay guys that refused to settle down with each other;
- it was depressing and an overall negative for the gay community;
- it showed gay people living lies and hurting women and children.

AIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID WE SEE THE SAME MOVIE???!!!

I was really surprised to hear this kind of stuff and I could feel my temperature rising as I was listening to it.  My immediate reaction was to begin an all out defense and debate concerning what planet he flew to to get these kinds of reactions.  Normally movies for me are not deeply personal things - I despise Adam Sandler for example, but when I tell an Adam Sandler fan most of his films are always the same thing over and over, they don't flip out.  I liked Pleasantville quite a bit (except for the bang bang over the head with the way too obvious use of the metaphor gun) but if someone told me it was awful, I would shrug my shoulders and move on.  But when it comes to BBM, hearing people trash it evokes a reaction inside me as if someone was out to beat and bash Jack and Ennis and defenses go on maximum.

I was truly, surprisingly, offended to hear these remarks.  After a few minutes of debate I realized my friend just didn't get it.  And he should because he's a lot like Ennis in many ways, and just as stubborn.  Over the years, we've had issues that led me to put him on my "list" of people I need a break from because he was driving me nuts.  But I'm loyal to friends so it's not like I am telling him "never call again."

Obviously, he was factually wrong about the characters anyway - Ennis always remained true to Jack as his one male partner, although Jack did drift but only out of frustration with Ennis.  He was wrong about the characters being stereotypical for not committing to the relationship -- a lot of younger gay guys won't commit because they want to explore around and they are not ready to settle down.  In BBM's case, it was Ennis' fear alone which kept them apart.  It -was- a depressing film because it showed the extension of what bigotry, fear, and hatred can do to honest love.  I saw this as an overall plus for the gay community, especially in showing the power of true love and the consequences for everybody when negative forces interfere.  That was exactly what led Jack and Ennis to marry women in the first place - because it was expected.  I would never condone someone marrying someone just to prove they can fit in; it's cruel to the person you marry and to yourself.  But my perspective is colored by the fact I am much younger than the characters on screen, and I have the luxury of speaking on this contemporaneously.

But there is a real problem for us BBM evangelists out there when we confront the non-believers.  We cannot threaten them with eternal damnation, but perhaps we should taunt them ruthlessly for preferring Final Destination 3.   
 
 

[Thomas M. Witherspoon]

My conservative but normally open-minded immediate family really surprised me when an article appeared in our local paper "Brokeback Mountain - 'A' for artistry; 'F' for morality". My elderly mother felt the need to remind me that she was somewhat conservative and said that she was concerned by what she had read. My brother also commented to me that the men in the film were cheating on their wives. I explained to both of them that there was so much more to this story then what they were reading in this article and I recommended that they read the novella. I explained that being open about who they were in their environment would have had fatal consequences for these men, so they had limited choices. To my knowledge, neither one has read the novella.. To be fair, my mother is 90 and has had health problems aplenty over the past 4 months. She has always been a reader (with large type these days). Lately she has heard so many positive things about the film she has changed her mind to a certain degree - its hard to argue with so many awards. I sent the short story to my brother and he has yet to read it. My brother is especially sensitive to hearing about "Brokeback" and his eyes fly skyward if he hears me say anything at all about it - funny how I listened to everything that was important to him because his happiness was important to me. My other, older brother and his wife seemed more inclined to read and wanted to see the film. This has been a frustrating thing for me because the novella and film have really touched me on so many levels.

[IdahoLonely]

Philip and Tom... you are lucky you can say anything about the movie to anyone. I cant talk about it. If I even said I saw it at the shop I would be laughed right outta there. The whole movie topic is in a closet!

[Aussie Chris]

I was truly, surprisingly, offended to hear these remarks.  After a few minutes of debate I realized my friend just didn't get it.  And he should because he's a lot like Ennis in many ways, and just as stubborn.  Over the years, we've had issues that led me to put him on my "list" of people I need a break from because he was driving me nuts.  But I'm loyal to friends so it's not like I am telling him "never call again."

Hallelujah!  *claps hands and waives in the air*

I was starting to get a little worried that our great benefactor of the BetterMost forum, that beautifully eloquent and prolific author of the prose-so-wise, would eternally be the voice of balance and reason and never dare to stir up a a little controversy!  *hugs* to you Phillip, I love your work, but thank God there is an actual real human being in there, not some Vulcan or something! 

I must admit that my first thought was to "balance" your passion with a little bit of "people will see this film through their own eyes and with their own experiences in mind".  But no, I just don't believe it!  It's just not good enough!  I've got a number of dear but straight friends that, for all intents and purposes and outwardly perceptions, love and accept me for who I am and have never given me a single reason to be self conscious.  Nevertheless, when it came to BBM I was told by several of them that they were worried about watching it or getting other friends/partners to watch it or talk about it, and that the gay sex/kissing scenes were or would be "difficult" for them because they are not used to watching it.  Ok, these people are straight, but before anyone runs to their defence saying I need to be sympathetic, these same people take pride in telling me and others how mature and open they are on the gay topic, and particularly, how comfortable they are with their sexuality.  Hmmm.

Ha, I exclaim!  It's about time you grow up, I say!  For all of my (close) friends I have made BBM mandatory viewing.  I say, if you want to brag about how modern and balanced you are, and say that your one of the "good guys", then it's time to put up or shut up!  As for my gay friends, so far so good, but one said he didn't want to see it because he didn't think it would be as good as all the hype.  Fair enough I said, it's certainly happened before, but you better watch it first or fear my cries of consternation and endless reminders to go and see it.

But back to you Phillip and your poor and pathetic friend.  My only advice is to refer to one of my most reliable life sayings, "you can't blame someone for being stupid, as it's not their fault".

[John Passaniti]

I was floored to hear things like:

- the movie continued the stereotype that gay men can't maintain relationships;
- it had two gay guys that refused to settle down with each other;
- it was depressing and an overall negative for the gay community;
- it showed gay people living lies and hurting women and children.

Does the following sound familiar?

"It is my feeling that a story is not finished until it is read,
and that the reader finishes it through his or her life
experience, prejudices, world view and thoughts." -- Annie Proulx

Why assume that just because your friend is gay and in a relationship that he would "get" any of the themes in the film?  Being gay (and even being in a relationship) doesn't automatically grant the individual depth or empathy, and it doesn't free the individual from having an agenda.

[Phillip Dampier]

Does the following sound familiar?

"It is my feeling that a story is not finished until it is read,
and that the reader finishes it through his or her life
experience, prejudices, world view and thoughts." -- Annie Proulx

Why assume that just because your friend is gay and in a relationship that he would "get" any of the themes in the film?  Being gay (and even being in a relationship) doesn't automatically grant the individual depth or empathy, and it doesn't free the individual from having an agenda.

In order to finish the story, you actually have to understand it.  When a conclusion is based on factually inaccurate information, it's not much different that the people who are "finishing the story" by never seeing the film in the first place.  I don't mind if people bring different conclusions to the table, but let's at least make sure they are based on actual things in the film. 

"The film was great up until Tom Cruise went to Ennis' trailer and told him his path to happiness would be to fight the alien invaders and then join the Church of Scientology."      At times, taken to comedic extreme, that was what I was feeling I was hearing.

I have no doubt there will be a lot of people who will finish the story in their own lives when they slip the DVD into the rental return slot at Blockbuster.  But I don't have to be happy knowing these people.

[Impish]

He didn't actually go and see it in a theater, he saw it from one of those copies that suddenly and mysteriously appeared on his computer.

This makes me very suspicious.  I don't think he did see BBM after all.  He's just repeating tidbits he's heard from people.... 

Sounds to me like a gay friend of mine who is afraid of seeing BBM because he's been burned so many times before with gay-themed films.  He's tired of it, and nothing I say will convince him to try one more time.

[Aussie Chris]

I have no doubt there will be a lot of people who will finish the story in their own lives when they slip the DVD into the rental return slot at Blockbuster.  But I don't have to be happy knowing these people.

Testify!  *Claps and dances another jig*

Ok, ok, I'll be serious.  The thing that just blows me away with this film is that people and groups, who are so desperately wanting to criticise BBM, are limited to vague or skewed interpretations that leave you wondering if they were watching the same film as everyone else.  I'm not going to quote or link to a particular sectarian religion (who we all know is terrified that one small slip in their demonising might actually bring the whole thing crashing down) have trouble casting aspurtions beyond a principled, albeit paraphrased, "as good a film as BBM is, we cannot condone it because it goes against our beliefs - and don't forget they were adulterers".

But back to Dealing with the BB Non-Believers.  Well one thing that I have tried to keep in mind is there have been many films in my life that trusted friends have loved and I haven't, even if we both like the genre, and I haven't really been able to explain why.  Maybe it was the timing, or my frame of mind, but there would be something about some films that I would find irritating, or worse, uninteresting.  Rarely has there been a time when I could change my view of a film after this first conclusion, with the Princess Bride coming to mind as an example of an inital dislike turning to later enjoyment.

So I try to keep a balanced mind and accept that maybe this was their turn to see a film that I adore, but they cannot see why we love it?  Maybe it's the simple fact that we love it SOOOOoooo much that is confounding the non-believers.  It becomes a principle that they cannot allow them to appreciate it because in a way they feel like they no longer have a choice, since "giving in to absolute pleasure" would somehow also be admitting defeat or sound like they're jumping on the band wagon.

One thing though, I think that anyone that says they watched in on their PC does not quality IMO as having a valid opinion.  If that was ok then next we'll start listening to people saying the scenery wasn't that good when they only viewed the film using their mobile phone!

[Phillip Dampier]

He didn't actually go and see it in a theater, he saw it from one of those copies that suddenly and mysteriously appeared on his computer.

This makes me very suspicious.  I don't think he did see BBM after all.  He's just repeating tidbits he's heard from people.... 

Sounds to me like a gay friend of mine who is afraid of seeing BBM because he's been burned so many times before with gay-themed films.  He's tired of it, and nothing I say will convince him to try one more time.

I suspect he saw it.  Whether he paid attention to it is another thing.  He wouldn't lie to me about it.  I am considering showing him the film scene by scene and then stopping it, discussing it, and then hitting the play button again.   

Let's face it, there has been some real junk out there in gay cinema.  A lot of it is overwrought soap opera low budget romance flicks with cliche dialogue.  No thanks.  The worst gay film I have seen was this awfully acted, videotaped film about a bunch of people who head to Hawaii to grieve over the loss of a close friend to AIDS who sit around a fire and... I don't know what word is right here... vent/lament/expose.  It was unwatchable to me in part because of what I felt was terrible acting.  The filmmakers never bothered to make sure viewers were invested emotionally in the characters either.  For me, it was as easy to hit the off switch as it would be to flip a channel during a daytime chat show.

I am generally cynical about gay-targeted movies because there have been a lot of bad ones.  But this one goes so far beyond any movie involving gay people, it's not even in the same league.  It's like comparing Freddie Got Fingered to Gandhi.

Oh wait, that's probably not the analogy I wanted to make...   

Well, yes it is, but for the right reasons!

[twistedude]

Bob's perfect answer:

Last December, when nobody knew that everyone was going to see BBM, I recommended it to my sister, and added "and pleasse tell *** (sophisticated gay friend of hers) to see it, and I'd like to talk to him about it afterwards."

Sister: "Why on earth would *** be interested in a movie about gay cowboys?"

Just told Bob last night,. he said:

"Because he is a gay cowboy himself."