Ok folks, here I go with an attempt to put into words my thoughts and feelings for the Beyond Brokeback Mountain forum as a follow on from my “Legacy of Brokeback Mountain” (
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php?topic=56.0) post from a couple of weeks ago. As I suggested in Legacy, I wanted to give this some time before I tried to put into words what I think is happening to me, or how it was possible that one film could make such a difference.
From the outset, this will not be light-hearted read. There are a couple of “heavy” paragraphs that I needed to write so that I could connect with the part of you that would otherwise rather hide behind the sofa than risk further hurt. But I promise, it will be worth it and I’ll look after you by the end. You also probably need to be in at least stage 3 in Phillip’s excellent BBM Stages of Grief & Acceptance (
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php?topic=59.0) before you will be able to take this on. I consider myself in stage 5, but I happily restart the process from stage 1 every now and then just to make sure that I haven’t missed anything, or more importantly, to make sure I still can. The good news is that I can now jump to any stage whenever I want, and when you’re ready, you can too. *hug*
Still here? Ok let’s get into it.
Since Thursday (March 2) BBM has been in theatrical release in Australia for 6 weeks, which is also about the same number of times that I’ve seen it. Last night, after a two week hiatus, I decided to go back to the cinema to check on my progress, and also to check on how many people are still going to see it a month and a half into its release (still nearly sold out in a 4pm session
). Btw, for all of you pirate-copy people out there, the cinema is really the best viewing method for BBM for the simple fact that you will otherwise miss the experience of several hundred people becoming silent, hardly even breathing, as they sit in stunned disbelief for the last 30 minutes as the tragedy unfolds. It’s really quite unsettling and isolating. So if you haven’t already done so, do yourself a favour and get into the cinema, at least once.
I’ve seen many posts from people who make an effort to capture what it is about BBM that can generate such gut wrenching emotions. I read these attempts and typically think “I know what they mean, but they just don’t seem to be getting how
I feel”. So do I have a better idea on how to express it I hear you ask? Well I’ll give it a go. For 6 weeks now I have despaired over the thought that somehow
I was responsible for Jack’s death. You see, when I watch BBM
I take ownership for everything that happens. It is
my love that soars in that first year up on that mountain. It is
my fear and stupidity that makes me believe that what other people think is more important than
my love for Jack. And it is
my heartbreak that results from Jack having to look elsewhere to find what
I failed to give him, but so desperately wanted to. So it's because of
me that Jack gets killed. How did I go? Yes? No? Too much? Maybe. But I think you need strong words to describe these feelings to really do them justice.
Btw, that sneaky Ang Lee needs to accept some of this guilt. It is he who withholds so much from us about the depth of Ennis’ love for Jack until the end. When we first watch BBM we never see Ennis the way that Jack did, until the flashback shows us how he really felt. Coming off the mountain (pre-flashback) we see a lot of tension and aggression (the punch), but post-flashback we realise that it was really a beautiful and soulful relationship, not unrequited at all, and we rejoice in the flashback embrace. But damn it all to hell if we’re given just seconds to comprehend this before the arrival of the deceased-stamped postcard and the phone call to Jack’s wife confirms the terrible truth. And just in case anyone wasn’t devastated enough, or dared to hope that it might actually be a dream sequence, Ang then rip's out our hearts and stomp on them with the Jack's parents and the shirts-in-the-closet sequence. God damn you Ang!
Ok, if you're all still here then it's time for an emotional status check. How are you going? It’s about 24 hours since my last viewing and I’m writing this while listening to BBM Radio. Yep, still heartbroken and teary, unwilling to entertain a single thought that might lead to letting go of my love for Jack and Ennis, but maybe ready to lessen my grip on this sense of responsibility. And with that thought I no longer feel like there’s something
wrong with me, in fact, I now see that there is something
right with me. A part of me suspected this was the case after the first viewing, but I was so caught up in grief that there was no way I could express it.
So what is it that I think is right? I think it’s a simple as realizing that before BBM we had spent so much time lowering our expectations that we didn’t realise that we had actually stopped having them. You might think that was obvious enough, but there is more than that at work here and the result has been far more destructive. Most of us erect walls around our hearts to protect us from the evils of the world outside. Many even taken pride in it: no one’s going to hurt me while I’m on guard! Yeah well congratulations, you’ve also managed to turn your protective wall into a dam, and it’s been holding back all but you’re most superficial emotions so you never run the risk of ever being disappointed again! But then along comes BBM, and like a sledgehammer being wielded with great force, down comes any illusion that you had that you’re ok just the way you are (or were). And before you know what’s happening, you are caught up in the white water of emotions so powerful that you’re still bobbing around gasping for air and wondering what was happening.
So why does it feel so devastating, and why does it feel so new? Well the answers are: that beautiful and fertile heart of yours has grown barren while you kept it from nourishment; and it’s been like this for such a long time that you’ve actually forgotten what it feels like to feel? But don’t worry, you will recover from this. I'm absolutely certain of it. How do I know this? Well, what I can finally share with you is the realization that in all of this destruction, there also lies the seed of redemption that you are looking for. For you see, quite simply, it was
you that wielded the hammer in the first place! You are the only one that had the strength to break down the wall, no one else could have done so. So it's easy to explain why some people don't have this reaction, even if you think they should, they are simply not ready, or not willing to do so. That's ok, that is their choice and we mustn't judge. But I did, and maybe you did too?
So friend, here what I have to say to you, right here, right now, you are being held. I have tears in my eyes and my heart swells, not because I am grieving, but because I am loving, and you can too. I am there with you right now, as you read this, holding you and singing softly to you with words you are finally
home and you are
loved. Close your eyes, and feel that I am there with you now. No really, trust me, close your eyes, and dream of the future and being happy...
“You know, it can be like this... just like this... always” - Jack Twist
