Author Topic: I Love Funny Country Songs!!  (Read 23546 times)

injest

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I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« on: April 30, 2007, 11:17:53 pm »
to start off!! A nice sexist one....yes, I am a hypocrite!! LOL!!

Artist/Band: Byrd Tracy
Lyrics for Song: The Truth About Men
Lyrics for Album: Truth About Men
(Tim Johnson/Rory Lee/Paul Overstreet)


We don't like to go out shoppin',
We don't care what's on sale.
We just want to sit with a bag full of chips,
Watchin' the NFL.
When you come over at half-time,
An' say: "Does this dress fit too tight?"
We just look you in the eye with a big fat lie,
An say:"Uh, uh: Looks just right."

Well, that's the truth about men.
Yeah, that's the truth about us.
We like to hunt and golf on our days off,
Scratch, an' spit, an cuss.
It don't matter what line we hand you,
When we come draggin' in.
We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,
An' it's probably gonna happen again.

We hate watchin' "Steel Magnolias".
We like "Rambo" an' "Die Hard 4".
Jump up and down like fools when we see the new tools,
At the Home Depot store.
We don't really wanna take you to dinner,
At some fancy restaurant.
The only reason we do is 'cause we know it leads to,
The one thing that we all want.

Well, that's the truth about men.
Yeah, that's the truth about guys.
We'd rather play guitars and work on cars,
Than work on the problems in our lives.
An' though we might say it to you,
Every now and then,
We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,
An' it's probably gonna happen again.

Well, if you want to know what we're all thinkin',
It's nothing too complex.
It's just somethin' cold for drinkin',
And a whole lot of s-e......

Yes, that's the truth about men.
Yeah, that's the truth about us.
We like to hunt and golf an' drive around, lost,
Scratch, an' spit, an' a whole lot of other disgustin' stuff.
It don't matter what line we hand you,
When we come a-crawlin' in.
We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,
An' it's probably gonna happen again.

We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,
An' it's probably gonna happen;
Sure, it's gonna happen;
You know it's gonna happen again.
An' that's the truth about men.

You know it, son.


injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2007, 11:28:25 pm »
Frog Kissing

Do you remember in the fairy tales,
how the wicked witch's spell
changed the handsome prince to a toad,
through thepower of a potion,
she handed him the notion,
 he was lower than the dirt in theroad,
and though she left him green and warted,
her evil plan was thwarted,
when there chanced to happen by a young miss,
who in spite of his complexion, offered her affection,
and broke the wicked curse with her kiss.

Chorus - Well if you've never been frog kissing,
then you don't know what you've been missing,
there's a world of opportunity under each and every log,
 if you've never been a charm breaker,
if you've never been a handsome prince maker,
just slow down, turn around,
bend down and kiss you a frog.

Once upon a time ago,
 I was down and feeling low,
like a lonely frog in a pond,
life was just a joke, and I was very near a croaking,
 I was zapped by life's wicked wand,
then in the depth of my depression,
there came a true expression,
 of a love from a lady so sweet,
she gave me warm fuzzy feelings, feelings that were healing,
and knocked me off my little web feet.

Chorus

There's a happy ever after land,
 deep within the heart of man,
where a prince or princess abides,

 but all we get are glimpses of the
handsome prince or princess,
cause they're covered by a green warty hide,
 and though they're full of life's potential,
they're lacking one essential,
to enable them to shine like a star,
and that's to have some guy or misses cover them with kisses,
 and love them while they're just like they are.

And that's the secret of frog kissing,
and you can do it too if you just listen,
 just slow down, turn around,
bend down and kiss you a frog.


I love this song...especially that part in green. I believe that...

Roland If you have THIS song I would like to have it!!  ;D

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2007, 11:42:21 pm »
The Mermaid Song

When I was a lad in a fishing town
  My old man said to me:
"You can spend your life, your jolly life
  Sailing on the sea.
You can search the world for pretty girls
  Til your eyes grow weak and dim,
But don't go fishing for a mermaid, son
  If you don't know how to swim"


'Cause her hair is green as seaweed
Her skin is blue and pale
and you'll love that girl with all my heart
but you'llI only like the upper part
You will not like the tail


So I signed aboard of a whaling ship
  And my very first day at sea
I seen a mermaid in the sea,
  Reaching out for me
"Come live with me in the sea said she,
  Down on the ocean floor
And I'll show you many's a wonderous thing
  That you've never seen before


So over I jumped and she pulled me down,
  Down to her seaweed bed
A pillow made of tortoise-shell
  She placed beneath my head
She fed me shrimp and caviar
  Upon a silver dish
From her head to her waist was just to my taste
  But the rest of her was a fish


'Cause ...


Then one day, she swam away
  So I sang to the clams and the whales
"Oh, how I miss her seagreen hair
  And the silvery shine of her scales
Then her sister, she swam by
  And set my heart awhirl
From her head to her waist was an ugly fish
  But the bottom part was a girl!!!


oh her toes were pink and rosy
Her knees were smooth and pale
 and I loved that girl with all my heart
I Don't give a damn about the upper top
and that's how I end my tale!

Now tell me how rap music is worse!! tsk tsk!! and this came out in the 70s!!! Just TERRIBLE!!  :laugh: :laugh:

Offline delalluvia

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2007, 08:53:08 pm »
The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long, climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel.
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into church.

I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
when that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk.
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that Something was among us was plain to see.

As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had Religion, others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weedeater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room.

All the way down in the Amen Pew sat Sister Bertha Better-Than-You
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee.
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs.
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me!"

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame.
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, seven deacons and the pastor got Saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot.
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred Rededications
And we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not.

Now you've heard the bible story, I guess
How He parted the waters for Moses to pass.
Oh, the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel.

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They was jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!


Offline SFEnnisSF

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2007, 09:46:44 pm »
Artist/Band: Byrd Tracy
Lyrics for Song: The Truth About Men
Lyrics for Album: Truth About Men
(Tim Johnson/Rory Lee/Paul Overstreet)


We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,
An' it's probably gonna happen;
Sure, it's gonna happen;
You know it's gonna happen again.
An' that's the truth about men.

'S true!  And I love this song!  :D


How about:

Joe Nichols - Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off  ;)

She said I'm going out with my girlfriends
Maguaritas at the Holiday Inn
Oh Mercy ... My only thought
Was Tequila makes her clothes fall off

I told her pur an extra layer on
I know what happens when she drinks the Trone
Her closets missing half the things she bought
Tequila makes her clothes fall off

She'll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

Them pantyhose ain't gonna last too long
If the D J puts Bon Jovi on
She might come home in a tablecloth
Tequila makes her clothes fall off

She can handle any Champaigne Brunch
Bridal Shower with Bacardi Punch
Jello Shooter full of Smirnoff...
But Tequila makes her clothes fall off

She'll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

She don't mean nothing
She's just having fun
Tomorrow she'll say
Oh what have I done
Her friends will joke about the stuff she lost
Cause Tequila makes her clothes fall off
Oh Tequila makes her clothes fall off

Tequila makes her clothes fall off

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2007, 09:50:53 pm »
Tequila makes her clothes fall off

What about you, Eric? Tequila make your clothes fall off?  ;)
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline SFEnnisSF

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2007, 10:07:10 pm »
What about you, Eric? Tequila make your clothes fall off?  ;)

Wanna find out in Estes Park?  :D  :D  :D

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2007, 10:15:01 pm »
What about you, Eric? Tequila make your clothes fall off?  ;)

Wanna find out in Estes Park?  :D  :D  :D

 ;)
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2007, 11:43:33 pm »
*Jeff rushing out to stock up on tequila, salt, and lime*

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2007, 11:48:36 pm »
Uncle Hirams Homemade Beer

Now I was just a boy at the time
When this drinkin' Uncle Hiram of mine
Decided to make up a batch of homemade beer
"Don't tell a soul", he said to me
"But I've come across this recipe
That says for pennies a day I can drink all year"
So I searched the alleys behind the bars
For empty jugs and mason jars
Then we sneaked 'em down to his basement brewery
He measured out yeast and the sugar and the hops
And he said to me as we sealed the tops
"For Goodness sake don't tell your Aunt Marie
'Cause she'd say":

Chorus:
Hey there Hiram, what's goin' on down there
There's some peculiar odor comin' up the basement stairs
Go back to your sewin' Hon' - I'm varnishin' a chair
The time my Uncle Hiram made his famous homemade beer

Well we let it set for a month or so
Then me and Uncle sneaked down below
A-figurin' it was time to give it a try
I was standin' there at the foot of the stairs
And Uncle Hiram was a-checkin' the wares
When all of a sudden two bottles just blew sky high
The jars went crash and the lids went clunk
And Hiram dived behind a trunk
As the beer begain to spew out on the floor
Uncle yelled "Don't mind me, save yourself!"
So fast as I could I ran up the stairs
The out of breath I quickly slammed the door
Aunt Marie came cryin' "What is it dear?"
I said "It's Uncle's homemade beer
It's a blowin' up and got Uncle trapped down there"
She said "Beer beer - Well I'll declare
Hiram you come up out of there!"
But the sound of explodin' beer was all we could hear

Chorus

Well it sounded like a war for a day and a night
The bottles just blew up left and right
Till finally we just heard one here and there
So Aunt Marie took a comforter
And holdin' it up in the front of her
With me behind, we started off down the stairs
Well the place was a mess to say the least
The walls were sticky and smelled like yeast
The glass and the lids and the beer lay all around
It had been quite a battle there was no doubt
But when we began to look about
Uncle Hiram was nowhere to be found
Aunty cried out "Hiram - Oh poor dear
He's been killed by a jar of beer
I warned him of drink but he never listens to me!"
Then up came the lid on the antique trunk
And there soaked in beer blind runnin' drunk
Was the late-lamented love of Aunt Marie's
He said "Rather than see it all go to waste
I decided I might as well have a little taste
Reckon I've tased about forty-three jars of beer
Ya'all can just go on 'cause I'm stayin' right here"

Chorus







injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2007, 11:53:08 pm »
The Streak
Ray Stevens


Hello everybody, this is your action news reporter
With all the news that is news across the nation
On the scene at the super market
There seems to have been some disturbance here
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did...I was standing over there by the tomatoes
And here he come
Running thru the pole beans, thru the fruits and vegetables
Naked as a jay-bird
And I hollered over at Ethel...Isaid don't look Ethel
It was too late, she'd already been incensed...

[Chorus:]
Here he comes, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
There he goes, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
And he ain't wearin' no clothes
Oh yes, they call him the streak
Fastest thing on two feet
He's just as proud as he can be
Of his anatomy
He's gonna give us a peek
Oh yes, they call him the streak
He likes to show off his physique
If there's an audience to be found
He'll be streakin' around
Invitin' public critique...

This is your action news reporter once again
And we're here at the gas station
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did...I was just in here gettin' my tires checked
And he just appeared out of the traffic
Come streakin' around the grease rack there
Didn't have nothing on but a smile
I looked in there and Ethel was gettin' her a cold drink
I hollered...Don't look Ethel
It was too late...She'd already been mooned
Flashed her right there in front of the shock absorbers

[Chorus]

He ain't rude, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
He ain't lewd, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
He's just in the mood to run in the nude

Oh yes, they call him the streak
He likes to turn the other cheek
He's always making the news
Wearin' just his tennis shoes
Guess you could call him unique...

Once again, your action news reporter in the booth at the gym
Covering the disturbance at the basketball playoffs
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did...half-time, I was just going down there
To get Ethel a snow cone
Here he come right our of the cheap seats
Dribblin'...right down the middle of the court
Didn't have on nothin' but his PF's
Made a hook shot and got out thru the concession stand
I hollered up at Ethel, I said don't look Ethel
It was too late...She'd already got a free shot
Grandstanded...Right there in front of the home team

Here he comes...look...who's that with him?
Ethel, is that you, Ethel?
What do you think you're doing?
You get your clothes on!

Ethel, where you going?
Ethel, you shameless hussy
Say it isn't so Ethel
Ethel..................





injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2007, 11:54:23 pm »
The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long, climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel.
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into church.


Good one, Del!! Thanks!

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2007, 01:38:17 pm »
The Streak
Ray Stevens


I haven't thought of that one in years!  ;D

Now, anybody got the words to Jim Stafford's "I don't like spiders and snakes"?  ;D
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2007, 01:39:23 pm »
*Jeff rushing out to stock up on tequila, salt, and lime*

And scotch for myself. I'll want to have all my faculties about me.  ;)  :laugh:
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline southendmd

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2007, 02:33:24 pm »
Now, anybody got the words to Jim Stafford's "I don't like spiders and snakes"?  ;D

Sure thing, Jeff:

I remember when Mary Lou said
"You wanna walk me home from school"
And I said, "Yes, I do"
She said, "I don't have to go right home
And I'm the kind that likes to be alone
As long as you would"
I said, "Me, too"

And so we took a stroll
Wound up down by the swimmin' hole
And she said, "Do what you want to do"
I got silly and I found a frog
In the water by a hollow log
And I shook it at her
And I said "This frog's for you"

She said, "I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
You fool, you fool
I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
Like I want to be loved by you"

Well, I think of that girl from time to time
I call her up when I got a dime
I say, "Hello, baby"
She says, "Ain't you cool"
I say, "Do you remember when
"And would you like to get together again"
She says, "I'll see you after school"

I was shy and so for a while
Most of my love was touch and smile
Til she said, "Come on over here"
I was nervous as you might guess
Still looking for somethin' to slip down her dress
And she said, "Let's make it perfectly clear"

She said, "I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
You fool, you fool
I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
Like I want to be loved by you"

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2007, 03:32:36 pm »
Thanks, Paul!  ;D

Used to love Jim Stafford. I remember him once saying his folks were Frisbeeterians: They believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it back down.  ;D
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #16 on: May 02, 2007, 03:58:05 pm »
OK, here's my contribution. I guess it qualifies as Country. ...

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a cowboy outlaw tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I guess it has something to do with the way that I
fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.
We're doing the best that we can


(I guess I sorta had a crush on Mac Davis. Liked his curly hair. ...  ;D )
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #17 on: May 02, 2007, 04:09:38 pm »
Wanna find out in Estes Park?  :D  :D  :D
Damn it! I miss all the good stuff!!!!  >:(
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #18 on: May 02, 2007, 06:50:36 pm »
Damn it! I miss all the good stuff!!!!  >:(

not to worry...we got an insider with spy cameras...you want me to put you on the list for the DVD?

 8) :-X :-X :-X :-X

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #19 on: May 02, 2007, 06:52:27 pm »
not to worry...we got an insider with spy cameras...you want me to put you on the list for the DVD?

 8) :-X :-X :-X :-X

Word does get around. ...  :laugh:
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2007, 06:57:56 pm »
Words?? Pictures are what people are wanting!

 ;)

or video....

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2007, 07:02:53 pm »
not to worry...we got an insider with spy cameras...you want me to put you on the list for the DVD?

 8) :-X :-X :-X :-X

Would you please??? ;D
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2007, 07:08:19 pm »
Would you please??? ;D

ok that is DVD #1254

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2007, 07:18:25 pm »
ok that is DVD #1254

#1254!! I guess I'm not the only one that thinks our Eric is a hottie! LOL ;D
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2007, 07:21:22 pm »
#1254!! I guess I'm not the only one that thinks our Eric is a hottie! LOL ;D

well Jeff has a fan or two out there...(have you seen the size of his 'gun'??)

 ::)

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2007, 07:22:49 pm »
well Jeff has a fan or two out there...(have you seen the size of his 'gun'??)

 ::)

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:



LOL! No, the picture is so small I can't hardly see nuthin!!
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2007, 09:31:57 pm »
well Jeff has a fan or two out there...(have you seen the size of his 'gun'??)

Hey! That's privileged information. Need to know basis.  >:(  ;D  :laugh:
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2007, 12:52:55 am »
Hey! That's privileged information. Need to know basis.  >:(  ;D  :laugh:

define 'need'

 8)

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2007, 12:56:10 am »
Artist/Band: Reed Jerry
Lyrics for Song: Lord Mr. Ford
Lyrics for Album: Jerry Reed Live, Still


Well, if you're one of the millions who own one of them gas-drinking, piston-clinking, air-polluting, smoke-belching, four-wheeled buggies from Detroit City, then pay attention. I'm about to sing your song son.

Well, I'm not a man appointed judge
To bear ill-will and hold a grudge
But I think it's time I said me a few choice words
All about that demon automobile
A metal box with the polyglass wheel
The end result to a dream of Henry Ford

Well I've got a car that's mine alone
That me and the finance company own
A ready-made pile of manufactured grief
And if I ain't out of gas in the pouring rain
I'm a-changin' a flat in a hurricane
I once spent three days lost on a cloverleaf

Well it ain't just the smoke and the traffic jam
That makes me the bitter fool I am
But this four-wheel buggy is
A-dollaring me to death
For gas and oils and fluids and grease
And wires and tires and anti freeze
And them accessories
Well honey, that's something else

Well you can get a stereo tape and a color TV
Get a back-seat bar and reclining seats
And just pay once a month, like you do your rent
Well I figured it up and over a period of time
This four thousand dollar car of mine
Costs fourteen thousand dollars
And ninety-nine cents, well now

{Chorus}:
Lord Mr. Ford, I just wish that you could see
What your simple horseless carriage has become
Well it seems your contribution to man
To say the least, got a little out of hand
Well Lord Mr. Ford what have you done

Now the average American father and mother
Own one whole car and half another
And I bet that half a car is a
Trick to drive, don't you
But the thing that amazes me, I guess
Is the way we measure a man's success
By the kind of automobile he can afford to buy

Well now, red light, green light, traffic cop
Right turn, no turn, must turn, stop
Get out the credit card honey, we're out of gas

Well now, all the cars placed end to end
Would reach to the moon and back again
And there'd probably be some poor
Fool pull out to pass

Well now, how I yearn for the good old days
Without that carbon monoxide haze
A-hanging over the roar of the interstate
Well if the Lord that made the moon and stars
Would have meant for me and you to have cars
He'd have seen that we was all born
With a parking space

{Chorus}

Come away with me Lucille
In my smoking, choking automobile


injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2007, 01:02:26 am »
The Credit Card Song
Jerry Reed


Well, I guess this story must begin
That fateful day a way back when
I decided I should have a credit card
So I filled out this application
Listed all my recommendations
Sent it off in the mail
And in a month or so the mailman brought me my brand new charge-all card
Better than checks, safer than money, and not near as dirty!

Well it laid around for a couple of days
And finally I thought "What the hay?
Why not see if this thing'll really work!"
So I went down to my favorite store
Picked out three or four shirts or more
A pair of pants and a strip-ed tie
And the man came by and said:
"Yes Sir, cash or charge?"
I said: "Just put it on my credit card
Write that dude up! Ahhh, convenient!"

Now I put that card away in a drawer
And I never charged one dollar more
Then one day in the mail I got this bill
Typed on a card all full of holes
That says do not staple, bend or fold
Was the astronomical figure of thirty-two hundred dollars and forty-two cents......When?!
There's been a mistake!
So I got on the phone .... "Hello? Hello?"

I got Mr. Black and Mr. Brown
And then I got the run-a-round
'Til finally Mr. Green came on the line
I said "Sir, this may be hard to take
But your computer's made a mistake
It says I owe more money than I've ever seen"
And he said "People like you make mistakes
Computers do not lie
Send us the bread. PDQ!"

Well this had just about done me in
So I grabbed that computer card again
The one with all those holes punched out so nice
And I threw it on the floor and I stomped it twice
And then I whipped out my pocket knife
And punched out a few more holes where there hadn't been no holes before
And I bent it double.....
Stapled it across the end.....
Drove my car over it.....
Stick that up your computer!

I sent her back in and never heard no more
'Til one day the mailman came to the door
With a special delivery from the charge-all place
Inside was a note from Mr. Green
Said: "We ran your card through our machine
And it tells us that you overpaid your bill!
Enclosed is a check payable to you.....
For nine thousand dollars!
We appreciate your business"

Well I got back on the phone again, called Mr. Green
And he was i,
And I said: "I think there is something you should know"
Then I told him what the computer had done
And I said "Just remember, you're the one....
That told me computer's do not lie
Thank you!!



Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #30 on: May 03, 2007, 08:43:51 am »
define 'need'

 8)

Ain't the same thing as "want."  8)
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #31 on: May 03, 2007, 06:50:18 pm »
Ain't the same thing as "want."  8)

dang it









durn tease

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #32 on: May 03, 2007, 06:57:33 pm »
Jess, you better make sure your spies got plenty of film. Eric ain't the only cutie's goin' a be there. There's EDelmar for one, southendmd for another.

And I ain't no tease. I might be blind as a bat, but I ain't so blind I can't read tiny type.  >:(  ;)  ;D
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #33 on: May 03, 2007, 07:03:09 pm »
Jess, you better make sure your spies got plenty of film. Eric ain't the only cutie's goin' a be there. There's EDelmar for one, southendmd for another.

And I ain't no tease. I might be blind as a bat, but I ain't so blind I can't read tiny type.  >:(  ;)  ;D

ROTF!!

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #34 on: May 04, 2007, 12:18:58 am »
Loretta Lynn
Ones On The Way



They say to have her hair done, Liz flies all the way to France
And Jackie's seen in a Discoteque doin' a brand new dance
And the White House social season should be glitterin' in gay

But here in Topeka the rain is a fallin'
The faucet is a drippin' and the kids are a bawlin'
One of 'em a toddlin' and one is a crawlin'
And one's on the way

I'm glad Raquel Welch just signed a million dollar pact
And Debbie's out in Vegas workin' up a brand new act
While the t.v.'s showin' newly weds, a real fun game to play

But here in Topeka, the screen door's a bangin'
The coffee's boilin' over and the wash needs a hangin'
One wants a cookie and one wants a changin'
And one's on the way

Now what was I doin'? Jimmy get away from there
Darn, there goes the phone
Hello honey, what's that you say?
You're bringin' a few old army buddies home?
You're callin' from a bar?

Get away from there! No, not you honey
I was talkin' to the baby
Wait a minute, honey, the door bell
Honey, could you stop at the market and...hello?, hello?
Well, I'll be...

The girls in New York City, they all march for women's lib
And better homes and garden shows, the modern way to live
And the pill may change the world tomorrow, but meanwhile, today

Here in Topeka, the flies are a buzzin'
The dog is a barkin' and the floor needs a scrubbin'
One needs a spankin' and one needs a huggin'
Lord, one's on the way

Oh gee, I hope it ain't twins, again!

Hard to imagine her world isn't it, Young Ladies??

I remember they wouldn't play this song on the radio for a long time because it mentions the Pill.


 
« Last Edit: May 04, 2007, 10:13:54 pm by injest »

injest

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #35 on: May 04, 2007, 12:42:29 am »
The Ballad of The Blue Cyclone

Well the wife went out of town 'bout a year or so back
And left me at home by myself to bach
And after five straight nights of TV I was ready to scream.
So I called up this beer drinkin' buddy of mine
I said, "Bill, I ain't havin' a real good time."
He said, "Why don't we go to the rasslin' matches and let off
a little steam?"

The main event was the Spider from parts unknown
With his trusty partner, the Blue Cyclone.
They was takin' on a team that never had been beat.
Now I'd never seen the matches before
And the crowd was backed up plumb out the door,
But me an' ol' Bill lucked out and got ringside seats.

Well then they rang the bell and all Hell broke loose
My legs was shakin' like a rubber goose
I'd never seen anything like this, not even in the war!
The Cyclone put the Vulture in an airplane spin
Then he body slammed him, and he did it again
I swear I didn't see how that old boy could take much more.

There was a lady next to me if she was a day she was eighty three
but she could cuss better than any sailor I ever HEARD:
in the second row up jumped a man
had a pocket knife in his hand and he hollered
"Let me in there! I'll mop up the floor!"
His wife reached up and grabbed his sleeve
and he sat down with a sigh of relief and he never did say no more!

It was right about then in the thick of things
My buddy Bill threw a chair in the ring
And that's when I knew we'd better be headin' for the door.
'Cause I saw the Cyclone lookin' at us
And he was rubbin' his head and he started to cuss
And I knew if he caught us he'd break Bill's neck for sure.

Well, where we parked wasn't too far
And Bill ran so fast he beat me to the car,
Locked the doors and wasn't about to let anybody in.
And I turned around and the Cyclone was there
And he said, "Hey buddy, you forgot your chair!"
And by the look in his eyes, I knew that this was the end.

So I hollered out "Watch it, pal, I know karate and Jujitsu!"
Well that is when I knew I had made a BIG mistake
cause he body slammed me two or three times
And he put his arms around me from behind
Then he pile drived me right there in the hard concrete.
Broke both my arms and three of my ribs
It's the closest I've ever come to being killed
And that's the last thing I remember 'fore he put me to sleep

but I'll tell you one thing from now on
I'm watching the rasslin matches at home
sitting in a chair in front of my OWN TV
and if the wife and kids ever leave again
I'm staying away from all my friends
cause the only friend I can trust is ME!

Offline delalluvia

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #36 on: May 04, 2007, 08:25:59 pm »
Quote
and the kids are a ballin'

Damn horny kids!!!   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Offline ifyoucantfixit

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #37 on: May 08, 2007, 03:14:42 am »
The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long, climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel.
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into church.

I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
when that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk.
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that Something was among us was plain to see.

As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had Religion, others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weedeater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room.

All the way down in the Amen Pew sat Sister Bertha Better-Than-You
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee.
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs.
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me!"

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame.
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, seven deacons and the pastor got Saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot.
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred Rededications
And we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not.

Now you've heard the bible story, I guess
How He parted the waters for Moses to pass.
Oh, the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel.

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They was jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!


I love this whole album, including the squirrel ,, the Knights of the mystic lodge, and others as well,, great fun,,,good jim stafford



     Beautiful mind

Offline Front-Ranger

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2007, 12:50:55 pm »
dang it









durn tease

Yes, Dang Me by Roger Miller, that's a funny country song, that appears in the script for Brokeback Mountain!

"chewing gum and duct tape"

Offline Shasta542

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2007, 08:03:49 pm »
I'd Like To Check You For Ticks
by Brad Paisley

Every time you take a sip
In this smoky atmosphere
You press that bottle to your lips
And I wish I was your beer
In the small there of your back
Your jeans are playing peekaboo
I'd like to see the other half of your butterfly tattoo.

Hey that gives me an idea
Let's get out of this bar
Drive out into the country
And find a place to park.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

I know the perfect little path
Out in these woods I used to hunt
Don't worry babe I've got your back
And I've also got your front
Now, I'd hate to waste a night like this


I'll keep you safe you wait and see
The only thing allowed to crawl all over you when we get there is me.

You know every guy in here tonight
Would like to take you home
But I've got way more class than them
Babe that ain't what I want.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

You never know where one might be
There's lots of places that are hard to reach
I gotcha.

I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you baby way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

I'd sure like to check you for ticks...


Well--there's a new pick up line for ya!!
"Gettin' tired of your dumbass missin'!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #40 on: June 07, 2007, 09:07:03 am »
This one is really funny but has explicit lyrics!
So if your easily offended dont read any further.............

A Letter to my Penis
Rodney Carrington

Dear Penis,
I don't think I like you anymore,
You used to watch me shave,
Now all u do is stare at the floor.
Oh dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

It used to be you and me,
A paper towel, and a dirty magazine,
That's all we needed to get by.
Now it seems things have changed,
I think that you're the one to blame.
Dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

Now he sings,

Dear Rodney,
I don't think I like you anymore,
'Cause when u get to drinkin'
You put me places I've never been before.
Dear Rodney,
I dont like you anymore.

Why can't we just get a grip,
On our man to hand relationship.
Come to terms with truly how we feel.
If we put our heads together,
We'd just stay home forever.
Dear Penis,
I think I like you after all.

Oh and Rodney,
While yer shavin',
Shave my balls.
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

Offline ifyoucantfixit

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #41 on: June 09, 2007, 06:54:03 pm »
Well I love her
But I love to fish
I spend all day out on this lake
And hell is all I catch
Today she met me at the door
Said I would have to choose
If I hit that fishin' hole today
She'd be packin' all her things
And she'd be gone by noon

Well I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
That I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Now there's a chance that if I hurry
I could beg her to stay
But that water's right
And the weather's perfect
No tellin' what I might catch today

Well I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
That I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite


  this is a pretty new one by Brad Paisley...



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Offline delalluvia

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #42 on: October 30, 2007, 10:19:48 pm »
"I got me a woman,
she's a pretty good woman at that.
We live with a monkey and a Chinese acrobat.
She calls me 'Tex' and makes me wear a cowboy hat.
But I don't care 'cause she's a pretty good woman at that.


Nuthin' gonna make me treat my woman mean.
She trims my beard, she keeps my tractor clean.
She cooks my food and serves me turnip greens.
Yeah, I know that she's the best little woman I seen.

Refrain
Some folks go to heaven, some folks stay in Tennesse.
I don't care where I"m headed, just as long as that
woman stays with me.

I like nuthin' better than to spend my nights at home.
And listen to my baby, play her slide trombone.
She talks in tongues, and boy that turns me on.
I know she's the best little woman aroun'.

Refrain
Some folks go to heaven, , some folks stay in Tennesse.
I don't care where I"m headed, lawd, just as long as that
woman stays with me."

John Anderson, I got me a woman
« Last Edit: November 03, 2007, 08:01:01 pm by delalluvia »

Offline ffrn

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #43 on: November 01, 2007, 08:07:29 am »


SINCE CHERYL WENT FERAL
Jim Haynes

Watching 60 minutes one night
As soon as it was over we got into a fight
Because Cheryl said alternative was the way to go
And the very next day she bought a sarong
A sheepskin jacket and a brand new bong
And before I knew it we hit the road

Since Cheryl went feral
Everything's weird
And all our friends have disappeared
She shaved her head and I've grown a beard
Since Cheryl went feral

It took us ages to hitch our way
From Pennant Hills up to Byron Bay
If we left those kids at home we'd have been alright
Well living off the land is all very well
But the mungbean diet was giving me hell
And I had to put that wigwam up each night

Since Cheryl went feral
Everything's crook
And all our food is now uncooked
I'd kill for a burger or a piece of chook
Since Cheryl went feral

Our little girl was called Narelle
And we had a little boy named Bruce as well
But now she's Crystal Flower and he's Leaf
But Leaf's pretty happy since we left home
Because he hasn't seen a bath or a shower or a comb
And it's been three months since he brushed his teeth

Since Cheryl went feral
Everything's changed
And I'm quite sure I've become deranged
And I can't remember anyone's name
Since Cheryl went feral

Cheryl took a vow of celibacy
She said she needed no input from me
She got her navel pierced and stared at it all day long
So I read the tarot with Leaf and Flower
And dreamed about a nice cold shower
While I waited for my turn on the bong

Since Cheryl went feral
Everything's pierced
Rings through me nose and rings through me ears
I haven't been this pierced for years
Since Cheryl went feral

I began to change me tune
As soon as we joined that big commune
And everyone took their clothes off straight away
Their cosmic philosophy appealed to me
It's multiple serial polygamy
And I think the feral lifestyle's here to stay

Since Cheryl went feral
There's a real traffic jam
Of naked women in our wigwam
And I'm pretty happy right where I am
Since Cheryl went feral

For those non-Aussies reading this, chook = chicken, crook = ill, substandard or not right, Pennant Hills is a very respectable suburb of Sydney and Byron Bay is a major town in the hippie heartland on the far north coast of NSW.

About 10 years ago, the leader of one of our minor political parties was named Cheryl.  Much to everyone's amazement, she suddenly defected to join one of the two major political parties.  The radio stations took great delight in referring to the defection as Cheryl going feral and this song was played regularly.

Offline jstephens9

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #44 on: November 01, 2007, 01:22:33 pm »
The words to the song are humourous in themselves. However, the real funny part, is that when I worked in a record store religious people would come in asking for that religious song "Heavens Just A Sin Away" and they were being serious.


Heavens Just A Sin Away

Heaven's just a sin away oh oh just a sin away
I can't wait another day I think I'm giving in
How I long to hold you tight oh oh be with you tonight
That still don't make it right cause I belong to him

Oh way down deep inside I know that it's all wrong
Your eyes keep tempting but I never was that strong
Devil's got me now oh oh gone and got me now
I can't find him anyhow I'm think he's gonna win
Heaven's just a sin away oh oh just a sin away
Heaven help me when I say I think I'm giving in

Oh way down deep inside...
Think I'm giving in think I'm giving in

Offline jstephens9

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #45 on: November 01, 2007, 01:24:52 pm »
Tennessee Bird Walk

Take away the trees and the birds
All have to sit upon the ground, umm
Take away their wings and
The birds will have to walk to get around
And take away the bird baths
And dirty birds will soon be ev'rywhere
Take away their feathers and
The birds will walk around in underwear
Take away their chirp and the
Birds will have to whisper when they sing
And take away their common sense and
They'll be headed southward in the spring

Oh, remember me, my darling
When spring is in the air
And the bald headed birds
Are whisp'rin' ev'rywhere
When you see them walking
Southward in their dirty underwear
That's Tennessee Bird Walk

How about some trees so the birds
Won't have to sit upon the ground, umm
How about some wings so the
Birds won't have to walk to get around
And how about a bird bath or two
so the birds will all be clean
How about some feathers so their
Underwear no longer can be seen
How about a chirp so the birds
Won't have to whisper when they sing
And how about some common sense so they
Won't be blocking traffic in the spring

Oh, remember me, my darling
When spring is in the air
And the bald headed birds
Are whisp'rin' ev'rywhere
When you see them walking
Southward in their dirty underwear
That's Tennessee Bird Walk

Offline jstephens9

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #46 on: November 01, 2007, 01:36:14 pm »
Loretta Lynn Fist City
 
A you've been makin' your brags around town
That you've been a lovin' my man
But the man I love, when he picks up trash
He puts it in a garbage can
And that's what a you look like to me
And what I see's a pity
Close your face and stay outta my way
If ya don't wanna go to fist city
If ya don't wanna go to fist city
Ya better detour around my town
'Cause I'll grab you by the hair a the head
And I'll lift a you off a the ground
I'm not a sayin' my baby's a saint 'cause he ain't
N' that he won't cat around with a kitty
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city
Come on and tell me what you told my friends
If you think you're brave enough
And I'll show you what a real woman is
Since you think you're hot stuff
You'll bite off more than you can chew
If you get to cute or witty
You better move your feet
If you don't wanna eat
A meal that's called fist city
If you don't wanna go to fist city
You better detour around my town
'Cause I'll grab you by the hair a the head
And I'll lift you offa the ground
I'm not a sayin' my baby's a saint 'cause he ain't
N' that he won't cat around with a kitty
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city


 

Offline jstephens9

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #47 on: November 01, 2007, 01:46:12 pm »
What It Was, Was Football by Andy Griffith

It was back last October, I believe it was. We was a-goin’ t’ hold
a tent service in this college town.
And we got thar about dinnertime on Saturday And different ones
of us thought we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before
that we set up the tent.
And so, we got down off of the truck and followed this little bunch of
people through this small little bitty patch of woods.
And we come up on a big sign, says “Get somethin’ to eat here!”

And I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big Orange drink.
And before I could take ary mouthful of that food this whole raft of
people come up around me
and got me to where I couldn’t eat nothin’ up like—
and I dropped my big Orange drink. I did!

Well friends, they commenced to move and they wasn’t so much
I could do except to move with ‘em.
Well, we commenced to go through all kinds of doors and gates
and I don’t know what all, and I looked up over one of ‘em
and it says “North Gate”, and we kept on a-goin’ through there,
and pretty soon we come up on a young boy.
And he says “Ticket, please…” And I says “Friend, I don’t have a ticket.
I don’t even know where it is that I’m a-goin’.” I did!

Well he says “Come out as quick as you can.”
And I says “I’ll do ‘er—I’ll turn around the first chance I get.”
Well, we kept on a-movin’ through there and pretty soon everyone
got where it was that they was a’goin’ because they parted
and I could see pretty good. I could!

And what I seen was this whole raft a people a-settin’ on these
two banks and a-lookin’ at one another acrosst this purty little
green cow pasture! Well, they was! And somebody had took
and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it and
I don’t know what all! And I looked down there and I seen
five or six convicts a-runnin’ up and down and a-blowin’ whistles!
They was!

And then I looked down there and I seen these pretty girls
a-wearin’ these little bitty short dresses and a-dancin’ around,
an’ so I set down and thought I’d see what it was that was
a-gonna happen. I did!

And about the time I got set down good, I looked down there
and I seen thirty or forty men come a-runnin’ out of one end
of a great big outhouse down there! They did!
An’ everybody where I was a-settin’ got up and hollered!
And about that time thirty or forty come a-runnin out of the
other end of that outhouse and the other bank full—
THEY got up and hollered!
An’ I asked this feller that was a-settin’ beside me, I says
“Friend, what is it that they’re a-hollerin’ for?”
Well he whopped me on the back and he says
“Buddy, have a drink!”
Well, I says “I believe I will have another big Orange.”
An’ I got it and set back down.
An’ when I got back down there again, I seen that them men
had got in two little bitty bunches down there.
They had—real close together--and they voted! They did!

They voted and elected one man apiece.
And them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture
and shook hands like they hadn’t seen one another in a long time.
And then a convict come over to where they was a-standin’ an’ he
took out a quarter and they commenced to odd-man right there!
They did!

Well, after a while I seen what it was that they was a-odd-mannin’ for.
It was that both bunches-full of them men wanted this funny-lookin’
little punkin to play with! They did, and I know friends that they
couldn’t-a eat it ‘ cause they kicked it the whole evenin’
and it never busted!

But anyhow what I was a-tellin’ was that both bunches-full wanted
that thang and one bunch got it an’ it made the other bunch
just as mad as they could be and friends I seen that evenin’
the awfullest fight that I’d ever seen in my life!
I did! They would run at one another and kick one another
and throw one another down and stomp on one another
and grind their feet in one another and I don’t know what all!
And just as fast as one would get hurt they’d tote him off
and run another’n on!

Well, they done that as long as I set there but pretty soon
this boy that had said “Ticket please…” he come up to me and
he says “Friend, you’re gonna have to leave because it is that
you don’t have a ticket.” And I says “Well, alright…” an’ I got up
an’ left. An’ I don’t know, friends, until this day what it was that they
was a-doin’ down there, but I have studied about it, and I think it’s
some kindly of a contest where they see which bunch-full of them
men can take that punkin an’ run from one end of that cow pasture
to the other’n without either gettin’ knocked down—
‘er steppin’ in somethin’ !

Offline ifyoucantfixit

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #48 on: November 01, 2007, 02:10:13 pm »

      ------Ray Stevens

Anytime you look at funny Country songs you have to listen to Mr Stevens...

Mississippi Revival Squirrel
The Streak
Its me again Margaret
Ahab the Arab
Along came Jones
The Shriners Convention

They are all classics,,,I love them...they will make you laugh out loud...




     Beautiful mind

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #49 on: November 01, 2007, 03:23:29 pm »
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me, here all alone?
I searched the world over
and I thought I'd found true love.
You met another,
and  :P you were gone. ...
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #50 on: November 01, 2007, 04:46:14 pm »
The worst country and western songs ever recorded

(These are NOT made up - they've all been recorded.)

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over
you
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #51 on: November 01, 2007, 04:49:47 pm »
 ::)
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFkon8QipOI[/youtube]
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #52 on: November 01, 2007, 04:50:20 pm »
 ;D

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNz2I2LO-AQ[/youtube]
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline loneleeb3

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #53 on: November 01, 2007, 07:11:28 pm »
Quote
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

That has to be the best!!  :laugh:
"The biggest obstacle to most of us achieving our dreams isn't reality, it's our own fear"

"Saint Paul had his Epiphany on the road to Damascus, Mine was on Brokeback Mountain"

Offline SFEnnisSF

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Re: I Love Funny Country Songs!!
« Reply #54 on: February 22, 2008, 02:20:01 am »
Kellie Pickler - Things That Never Cross A Man's Mind   :D

I need to go shopping
These shoes are all wrong
Just look in my closet
Not a thing to put on
I wonder how these jeans make me look from behind
Things that never cross a man's mind

Lets turn off the TV
Now can't we just talk
Lets lay here and cuddle
Till we both drift off
If we don't make love
That'll be just fine
Things that never cross a man's mind

That joke is too dirty
This steak is too thick
Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it
That car is too fast
This beer is too cold
And watching all this football is sure getting old
Wish I was working this weekend
Not on the lake wetting my line
Things that never cross a man's mind

Her lips are too red
Her skirt is too tight
Her legs are too long
And her heels are too high
Boy, she looks like the marrying kind
Things that never cross a man's mind

That joke is too dirty
This steak is too thick
Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it
That car is too fast
This beer is too cold
And watching all this football is sure getting old
Wish I was working this weekend
Not on the lake wetting my line
Things that never cross a man's mind

I feel a little bloated
I think I'm fixing to start
That movie was good except for the violent parts
Brad Pitt is sexy
Why did he change his hair
I knew him and Jenny never had a prayer
These curtains clash with the carpet
The color scheme is a crime
Things that never cross a man's mind
Things that never cross a man's mind

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfLnHWmoa8o[/youtube]