Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Heath Ledger Remembrance Forum

Express what you're feeling, at any length

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Artiste:
Thanks cmr107! Thanks Louise!

I had not seen your comment, which I enjoy too.

Louise, I appreciate yours which helps too!!

Hugs, hugs!!

Lumière:
I have been feeling calm about things lately.
I posted this little piece in my blog, didn't know if I should bring it here. 
I couldn't get these words out of my head, so I wrote them down.  It helped a great deal.
Anyway, here it is..





Goodnight, My Little Darling


He could hardly believe his eyes.  She was here at last.  She was his… his flesh and blood… his child.  He couldn’t get over how small she was.  He traced a finger along her soft jaw, terrified his rough hands might bruise the tender skin.  She whimpered and was still.  He wondered if she was asleep or not.  Her eyes were tightly shut, she was only two days old.  He looked at her perfect little fingers and toes, and tears pooled in his eyes.  Everything is different now, he thought, holding her protectively in his arms. 

Most times, he felt like a kid himself; an adventurous child traveling a maze-like path on a long journey through life.  Everything he’d done in his life, up to this point, he thought, was mediocre, unimportant.  Everything paled in comparison to this event of her arrival.  Nothing could be the same after this.  This tiny infant carried a part of his soul.  They would be forever linked – come hell or high water, every single day in life or in death.  She would be his hub, the very axis around which his world revolved. 


~~xo~~

They’ve heard the news by now.  His child is nestled in her mother’s arms.  The young woman clutches her child and presses the little fair head to her bosom.  She is distraught, shaken and crying into her child’s head.   He sits on the bed beside them and catches a fallen tear.  In time, she will hear his words and understand that she is not alone…Maybe then, she will see that he is fine.  There is no pain or blinding darkness.  Not now..


I have been a traveler for as long as I can recall. 
I think I learned to die every day I breathed
for I lived the day alone and tried not to worry the next.
That does not change even now.
You know I wouldn’t stop the journey now, even if I could.
You know a grave is not my final stop.
I found my way to this world beyond; I knew the route somehow.
I lost any fear I might have harbored because you are here too.
My body or my heart did not love you, for bodies perish
My soul loved you; it did then and it does now.
This is not the end, my love, don’t cry..


~~xo~~


He sits cross-legged on the floor beside her bed and gently moves a lock of fair hair from her sleepy forehead.  Daddy’s little girl, he whispers, before a soft smile eases across his lips.  Her little brown eyes partially open for a moment before she closes them again.

My little girl…
You are still my hub.
You are still the axis around which my world revolves
I couldn’t love you more than I do now.
I am here to tuck you in when you go to sleep
I am here when you are sad or happy or hungry or tired
I will still carry you upon my shoulders like I used to
I will be here on every birthday, on your first day of school,
Whenever you wish to see me, I’ll be here.
I no longer have to go for days or weeks without seeing you
I never have to be parted from you again,
For where I am now, you are always..


He kisses the little hand clutching the blanket draped over her sleeping body and then places a soft kiss on her forehead.

How peacefully she slumbers..
Goodnight, my Little Darling, sweet dreams…

Verona:
I actually nearly fainted when I heard. All the blood drained from my body, and I felt all tingly, lightheaded and sick. I thought that only happened in movies.

I found this in my email yesterday, from when I first saw Brokeback and emailed a friend who's an (unrealistically, I'm afraid) aspiring screenwriter and director:

"The screenplay and dialogue brought out facets of the characters and their relationships that I don't remember being there before. The screenplay wasn't entirely faithful to the original story... I felt it brought new life to it. And the acting was tremendous. Especially Heath Ledger... I've never seen anyone convey so much while appearing to say so little. His character was not nearly so complex in the original story.

So there you have it. If you ever decide to adapt something, take the original story and its characters beyond what the writer gives you. Oh, and get Heath Ledger to star in it. And Ang Lee to direct it. heh

But seriously, the acting... wow. If you are blessed with one performance from any of your future actors that's even a fraction of what Heath Ledger pulled off here, count yourself lucky. Then count the nominations."

CRAP. We should have had DECADES more of this. Heath could have done that entire movie without speaking one line, and STILL projected every facet of who that character was. And no one else could have made me watch movies like "A Knight's Tale" or "The Patriot" a million times. No other actor ever inspired me to watch genres I don't normally enjoy (truthfully, I might not have ever watched BBM had he not been cast. Not big on "western" themes, but of course now I know BBM is much more). This kid was magic. I'd always wanted to see him in a play.

I put on Brokeback almost immediately. I felt I had to... get right back on the horse, so to speak, for fear I never would be able to again. But I still can't bring myself to watch my beloved "10 Things I Hate About You" because it's where I first saw him (and found out that at 35, I was lusting after a teenager... gulp) and I'm not ready yet to watch him so young and happy and carefree, his whole life ahead of him. I feel like just hiding the DVD. Don't know when I'll be ready to get back on that horse.

It hurts. It just hurts.

Sandy:
Crayons, thank you for the thread. I am going to let my heart speak without re-reading this post.

I came downstairs from my shower at 7 a.m. and was having tea.  My husband was watching a music channel and I said to him, “put it onto GMTV (which we always watch) and I can see the news.  Something will have happened and we’ll have missed it”.  I was actually thinking about the twin towers!  As soon as it turned over and I heard the words, my hand slapped over my mouth.  I was in shock for about 45 minutes and then left to go to work.  I was on the bus and it started to sink in. 

By the time I got to work, I felt as if I had been punched.  My chest was tight and restricted and my tummy hurt.  My head was pounding.  I came in and told all of my colleagues about it, except for one who didn’t start until later.  He texted me, “Heath Ledger has died.  If you didn’t know, phone me, if you did, are you OK?”.  I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t function, I put my phone straight to voicemail and went online to see what every news channel had said. 

Later on that day, one of my colleagues said she had seen it on the previous evening’s Ten O’Clock news.  Well, I immediately cried (for the first time).  I felt as if I had abandoned him, that he had died and was in the process of moving on whilst I was safely tucked up in bed.

I got that into perspective a little, and went home and phoned everyone I knew.  No-one understood how I could grieve so for an actor.  I cried and cried all night, and tried to talk through each possibility of why he died with my husband.  He helped me, and I ended that evening knowing that a lost life is a lost life, and it doesn’t matter how or where.  What matters are the lessons we can learn, so the loss of precious life is not in vain.

The next couple of days passed in a haze of crying and adrenaline.  I spoke about it non stop and then would go into myself. 

Until late Friday, after a bottle of wine, I felt as if I had lost my faith to the extent of where the soul goes upon death.  I felt as if my whole belief system had gone.  How can a young man with so much potential and so many positive thoughts from this community and others end up passing on?

And then I got angry.  Angry at the paps, angry at those vultures who take delight in showing us pictures and videos of Heath being taken away from his flat.  I felt as if he had lost his dignity and, again, it was my husband who said that Heath was not there anymore, he was in Heaven (of which I had regained my faith) and his body was the carrier of his spirit.

Now this made sense.  Although he was amazingly handsome, it was his life that was amazing.  His personality and ethos.  His bravery in playing Ennis (when he knew what some imbeciles reactions would be), giving it his all, becoming Ennis is what he gave the world.  He offered support to the gay community, showed the world the meaning of love. 

He showed everyone how a life half lived is not really a life.  Although he only lived a small part of his life, what he contributed to the world was a lifetime’s work.     

So, I guess what I am trying to say that I am devastated, grieving and the sadness I feel at sometimes is almost unbearable. 

But I feel hope in the lessons he taught me.  I will try and live everyday as if it were my last.  I will love with my heart, not my mind. 

I have more to say but can't articulate it just now, so I may be back. 

AngelaNicole:
Hi,this is my 1rst time posting here. I was posting on the imdb boards, but too many trolls there now.lol I will read both, but its kinda annoying when people can be so disrespectful, and there are PLENTY on that board! Anyways, I am extremely saddened by Heaths Loss. I feel all his fans and hollywood has lost one of the most promising stars it will ever have. I have cried, and I am still in  a state of shock! I cant believe hes gone:(  I  find it especially hard when people close to my age die so suddenly: It breaks my heart! I loved his movies and he was so talented and so mature for his age. I am still grieving and kinda in the denial stage. I dont want him to be gone! I wish I could have met him, seen more of his movies, I wish he was still here.I will continue to watch Heaths movies in memory of him. I have seen BBM, candy, 10 things, a knights tale, and the Patriot so far.I look forward to seeing them all. I have never been affected by a death like this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He seemed so healthy, strong, and young, this was so unexpected. I mean you never heard anything bad about this guy ya know?? How in the world can he be gone :( I dunno. I think God has a bigger plan for him I guess. I am a religious person and feel in my heart he is with the angels in heaven. Maybe even acting up there ;) RIP heath, I love you always! Your fan, Angela.xoxo

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