So that we can start getting to know one another a bit, feel free to tell your story.
Here's mine:
I'm 38 years old and reside in Rochester, NY. I've been a lifelong resident of this western NY city located just south of Lake Ontario in what has been called the Finger Lakes region of New York. Although we've got hills, we'd have to head south to Pennsylvania or east to the Adirondacks to experience some mountains for ourselves. I live in the suburbs and have all my life, so seeing the wide open spaces on Brokeback Mountain is something I can see if I hop in the car and take a drive out into the country, but it's not something I live by any means.
I spent my teen years being an extremely introverted recluse. I had my various hobbies, none of which were social at all, and I basically didn't hang out with anyone. When I finally started college I had enough of having no social life and, through trial by fire, managed to come out and become an open extrovert. I went through a few long distance relationships back in 1986 which were hell. I understand very well Jack's frustration at being limited to see and spend time with Ennis, who lived several states away. One of my goals in life was to make sure I didn't end up spending my life alone and made finding a relationship that would work for me a very high priority. I lucked out in finding my partner (inside the area code too!) in early 1987 and we've been together ever since.
I am relieved I don't have to live the Ennis relationship mess, but that doesn't make me better than those who do because other baggage in my life exists in quantities worthy of American Airlines. Having friends who drive you nuts with their super secret emotions and definition of commitment can be almost as irritating as those who are dating or married to someone like that. I've had plenty of those enigmatic people in my life, and they can drive me crazy, so I recognized Jack's frustration with Ennis straight away.
On the issue of commitment, I turned out to be both Jack and Ennis. Like Jack, I fought for a relationship and made it a priority. But when I found the right person, Ennis came to the party and I found I was actually making excuses for not moving in and making the full commitment required. When I heard Ennis giving a laundry list about his job, society, etc., it dawned on me I had his Excuse-o-matic on loan over here too. Suddenly guilt through recognition.
I'm in transition as far as my job right now. I've been doing stuff that doesn't fulfill me or provide any sense of accomplishment or joy and I've been thinking a lot about the future and where I am going to be in 10-20 years. I don't think we do as much thinking about the future when we're younger. It's an odd dichotomy - time seems to move slower for me when I was young, but years passed, little got accomplished and it didn't seem to bother me. Now time is moving faster and I worry more about what exactly I am accomplishing today and whether there will be enough time to actually find something that is economically -and- emotionally fulfilling. I don't want to be Ennis staring at a piece of pie with little/nothing to show for it.
Sometimes big changes are terrifying and in order to get from "familiar but unsatisfying" to "unknown but changes your life for the better" means you need some support, encouragement and ideas.
I've been aware of all of these negative things in my life for a long time now, but I have compartmentalized and distracted myself from having to deal with because I had no real idea on how to change them, and I wasn't very motivated to either. Plus, the whole fear of failure keeps you from trying sometimes too. Better to dream, right?
I first heard of Brokeback Mountain from some news clipping or trailer I saw. I thought -- gay western, what the hell is that. Well, it's got Donnie Darko in it and that was an amazing performance, and it's original - gay ranch hands fall in love in the 1960s. Wow. I honestly didn't know who Heath Ledger was.
I've been spending less and less time in movie theatres in general because, frankly, there has been at least three years of mostly junk thrown in our faces. The major must-see movies for me had been the Harry Potter films. But to spend $7-9 to sit in a theatre with obnoxious people with cell phones, talking, and other annoyances just was really not for me anymore.
But because Brokeback seemed unique, my partner, my cousin, and a close friend elected to go and see it together at the local art house. Thankfully, disturbances at this particular theatre (the Little Theatre in Rochester, NY) have always been extremely rare, and they are non-profit now and worth supporting.
When the lights went down, the previews and the animated short came and went, the movie began. I think I've written extensively about how this movie hit me, so I won't repeat myself here, but I can say I was in no way prepared for it.
All my carefully protected compartments for the little problems in my life were vandalized by Annie Proulx's story and Ang Lee's film. All of a sudden it's all right in my face, and the screen is so big you can't look away. You also don't get to play the "in denial" card. Sorry, but the emotional tsunami hits you and, as Ennis likes to say, if you can't fix it you just have to deal with it. It's totally out of your control.
I hate being out of control. I must have answers. Someone has to have the answers. Prowl forums, see movie again, listen to soundtrack (me, listening to some country & western music which must result in a tear in the very fabric of space!), annoy friends with Brokeback tie-ins about everything (try shopping and walk in the bean aisle, try to explain why YOU are watching Oprah, why are you suddenly considering a vacation somewhere in the western US or Canada...), and then finally admit you have a problem!
Obsession... the new outdoor fragrance from Calvin Klein. When you can quote scenes from the movie by heart... it's Obsession.
My friends who have seen it have needed to talk about this movie. Unfortunately, a lot of them have their own significant others who had zero interest in seeing this movie and thus had nobody to talk to it about (if you were dragged to Saw 2 or any movie like it, you can get a court order to require the attendance of the person who thought Saw 2 truly dealt with the unresolved issues in part one but thinks Brokeback is a bunch of gay cowboys who do nothing but screw). I spent until 4am in an area café going through how this movie mangled me and what I could do about it.
When I read Annie's quote, which is my signature line, it dawned on me there was a way out of this emotional hell and that would be to finish the story in a positive way in my own life. This forum is my first tiptoe into the big changes to get me down the road of getting more fulfillment out of life. It's a small first step, but an important one.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.