The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
Katie77:
>>> An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.
> >>>
> >>> While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
> >>> aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
> >>>
> >>> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
> >>>
> >>> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom
> >>> and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
> >>> crawled downstairs.
> >>>
> >>> With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
> >>> kitchen .
> >>>
> >>> Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
> >>> in heaven , for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
> >>> table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
> >>>
> >>> Was it heaven?
> >>>
> >>> Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of
> >>> sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
> >>>
> >>> Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing
> >>> on his knees in a rumpled posture.
> >>>
> >>> His parched lips parted.
> >>>
> >>> He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
> >>> seemingly bringing him back to life.
> >>>
> >>> The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
> >>> the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
> >>> spatula by his wife...................
> >>>
> >>> F**k off" She said, "They're for the funeral"
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
Katie77:
>>>>>>>A Professor was giving a lecture on"Involuntary Muscular
>>>>>>>Contractions"to his first year medical students. Realising that this
>>>>>>>was not the most riveting subject,
>>>>>>>The Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>>>>>>He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
>>>>>>>"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an
>>>>>>>orgasm?"
>>>>>>>She replied, ............."Probably out fishing with his mates!!"
>>>>
>>
Katie77:
The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
pettifogger:
An old ladywas the owner of a small farm and prided herself on the neatness
of everything, although she only owned a few animals. She was a bit
concerned over her prize pig who looked a bit under the weather and she
thought perhaps what she needed was the attention of a male pig.
Passing the neighbor's farm on market day, the old lady decided to ask if he
would allow his male pig to do the necessary. The farmer agreed and told
her to bring her pig over the next day. Not owning any form of transport,
the old lady decided to sit her pig in the wheel-barrow and push it to er
neighbor's farm..
"Now just leave those pigs alone for half an hour whilst we go in for a cup
of tea and I'm sure the job will be done, by the time we return. But if your
pig still seems restless in another two days, bring her back and we'll give
them the afternoon together."
Two days passed and the pig began to look restless, so out came the
wheel-barrow and the pig was pushed again th the neighbor's farm.By
the end of the week, there were noticable tracks between the two farms.
"I'm sure that it must have taken by now," thought the farmer, so he
rang his neighbor and asked, "Does she still look restless?"
"I don't know," said the old lady. "I will go upstairs where I can see
the field she's in. A few minutes passed before she got back to the
phone. "Can you see her>" asked the farmer.
"Yes. Yes," he was told.
"And what is she doing ?" he wanted to know.
"She's sitting in the wheel-barrow !!"
pettifogger:
A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of them.
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they
had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear God,
I bet it is hard for You to love everybody in the whole world. There are
only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all them.
Dear God,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?
Dear God,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house?
Dear God,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?
Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if
You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Dear God,
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They're just kidding, aren't they?
Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
Dear God,
We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they
said You did it. So I bet he stole Your idea.
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