The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
dot-matrix:
;D Funny Bits ;D
**warning: some of these are cringe worthy ::)
??? What is a Yankee?
;D The same as a Quickie, but a guy can do it alone
??? What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
;D The position of the dirt bag.
??? Why is divorce so expensive?
;D Because it's worth it.
??? What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
;D Doughnuts....
??? Why is air a lot like sex?
;D Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
??? What do you call a smart blonde?
;D A golden retriever.
??? What do attorneys use for birth control?
;D Their personalities.
??? What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
;D 10 years and 45 lbs
??? What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
;D 45 minutes
??? What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
:o Through his chest with a sharp knife.
??? Why do men want to marry virgins?
::) They can't stand criticism.
??? Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
;) Because those men already have boyfriends.
??? What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
;D After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
??? What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
;) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
??? Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
:D Because they have cotton balls.
??? What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
8) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
??? What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
:'( "Are you sure it's mine?"
??? Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>:( Mace will do that to you.
??? Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
;) Breasts don't have eyes.
??? Why do drivers' education classes in some schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
:-X Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
??? Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
;) They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
??? What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
::) A speech impediment.
??? What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
:-\ They're hiring.
??? What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
:o A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
??? How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
:laugh: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
??? What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
:) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ."
::) A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
??? Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
:-\ No one is tall enough to go on the good rides
Kerry:
Katie77:
Four men were being interviewed for a job.
>>The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
>>The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
>>forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
>>fastest
>>thing I know of."
>>"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
>>"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
>>"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
>>and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
>>of."
>>"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
>>popular cliché for speed."
>>He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
>>"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
>>there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
>>the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
>>fastest thing I can think of."
>>The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
>>had
>>found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
>>Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
>>"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest
>>thing known is diarrhoea," said the Aussie.
>>"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
>>"Oh, I can explain," said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't
>>feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think,
>>blink,
>>or turn on the light, I sh*t my pants."
>>He got the job
___
Kerry:
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
BP
dot-matrix:
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe, and placed his order.
He said, " I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a
pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
she went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out
there just ordered 3 flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
running boards. What does he think this place is - - an auto
parts store ?"
"No," said the cook, Three flat tires means 3 pancakes, a pair
of headlights means 2 eggs sunny side up, and running boards
are 2 slices of bacon."
"Oh, OK !" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker says, "What are the beans for Blondie ?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the tires, the
headlights and the running boards, you might as well gas up !!"
For once the blonde gets even. ;D
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