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Kerry's Komedy Klub

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dot-matrix:
Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.

Instead of automatically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want
your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the woman grabs a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take ?" she asksl
"They will grow larger over a period of years, " he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"

Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physiotherapy, he may even walk
again. Stupid, stupid man.

dot-matrix:
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Suzie,
something special for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone
and explained to her all its features.


Suzie was excited to receive the gift and simply loved her phone.

The next day, Suzie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment
it was her husband on the other end. "Hi, Suzie, " he said, "How do you like
your new phone ?"

Suzie replied, " I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear
as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."

"What's that, sweetie ?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in K Mart ?"  :-\

Dagi:

--- Quote from: dot-matrix on November 07, 2007, 04:38:03 am ---

Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"


--- End quote ---

 :laugh:      :laugh:     :laugh:

Kerry:

dot-matrix:
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
 
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
 
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
 
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
 
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
 
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
 
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
 
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

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