The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
Kerry:
pettifogger:
Kerry:
dot-matrix:
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website,
and the answers are actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
<><>
Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends how much you've been drinking.
<><>
Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks ? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles. Take lots of water.
<><>
Q. Are there any ATM s in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville & Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did your last slave die of ?
<><>
Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australis ? (USA)
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. . . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
<><>
Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
<><>
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
<><>
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is . . . oh forget it. Sure the Vienna Boy' Choir play every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
<><>
Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A. You are a British politician, right ?
<><>
Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round ? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
<><>
Q. Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum? (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where you come
from.
<><>
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but
I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath.
<><>
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
<><>
Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population ? (Italy)
A. Yes, gay night clubs.
<><>
Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.
<><>
Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying at Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
<><>
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)
A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
dot-matrix:
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before
getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll
love this one.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up hired
a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.
On a tour of facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning up
against the wall and asked, "How much money do you
make a week ?
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied,
"I make $400 a week. Why ?"
The CEO then handed him $1,600 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the
room and asked, " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-
ball did around here ?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza Delivery Guy
from Domino's."
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