The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
Kerry:
Hi Geri :D
Lovely to hear from you. Post away! Everyone is welcome to post their funnies here.
Cheers,
Kerry 8)
Kerry:
STRESS
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Are you ready to see the photographs of the dolphins?
I was delighted with my own result!
I hope this exercise isn't contributing to elevating your stress levels!
Here are the dolphins!
Won't be long now!
Here they are . . . . . .
dot-matrix:
Queer Quotes some of these are GREAT...
1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families
11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977 ignorance is NOT bliss in her case
14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant stupid stupid woman
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton
24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. --Author Unknown
25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. --Francis Maude
26. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. --Rita Mae Brown
27. 'You could move.' --Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood
dot-matrix:
This song is to sung to the tune of the Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan...all gay men know that tune right ;) :D I sang it all the way through and LOVED it!
I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual
by Justin, of Gay Christian.net
as Justin points out on his site, "Ex-gay" people admit they have what they call ongoing "same gender attraction" (called SGA in the song) but claim they're not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is "being attracted to some one of your own sex.)
I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I've no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I've read 8 books on how to please my wife while I'm caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!
I wrote a tell-all book about my sordid lifestyle histories
It's been at least a month from my last bathroom break at Mister P's
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
Chorus:
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!
II.
My father was a weakling and my mother was tyrannical
In lieu of wrestlemania, my interests were botanical
My peer group had a way of undermining my stability
Because I lacked in football any natural ability
Since "gay" and what I felt were in reality antonymous
I took the narrow path to homosexuals anonymous
The counselors determined after listening to my narrative
My brokenness results from having drives that are reparative
Chorus:
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are repar-reparative!
Now, though I hope my obfuscating language doesn't vex you all
I'm told I am a non-gay same-sex tempted homosexual
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
Chorus:
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!
III.
I'll know I've finally made it when my picture is in Citizen
You'll read my testimony in the Christian mags that it is in
I'll testify to Congress without ever feeling ill-at-ease
When I no longer notice guys with looks like Ryan Phillippe's
When body image means no more and I'm content with tippin' scales
When I've eradicated any ling'ring thoughts of Chippendales
When I can get my ex-gay wife to pick up on my simple hints
And when I father children without need of kitchen implements
Chorus:
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen imple-implements!
For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical
A struggle's not enough when testimonies are political
But still, although I'm dealing with my childhood residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual!
Chorus:
But still, although he's dealing with his childhood residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
dot-matrix:
Four older men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
:o Ooops ;)
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