The World Beyond BetterMost > Anything Goes
Kerry's Komedy Klub
Mandy21:
Joe took his boss Phil to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch break. Both men were playing well, but they were often held up by two women in front of them. Joe offered to talk to the women to see if they could speed up a bit. He gets about half of the way there, stops, and jogs back quickly.
When Phil asked what the problem was, Joe said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."
Phil just shook his head and walked toward the women himself. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked, "What's wrong?"
Phil said, "It's a small, small world, Joe, and you're fired."
Mandy21:
So you think you're ready for children? Try these:
- Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure all arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
- Night Test: Obtain a cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 lbs of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm, lay your bag down and set your alarm for 10 pm. At 10 pm, get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard until 4 am. Set alarm for 5 am. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Mandy21:
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding.
"I can explain," the man said.
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
The officer cut short all of the man's attempts to explain. Later the officer looked in on the man and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man. "I'm the groom."
Mandy21:
Marriage Humor
- The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.
- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- Do you know the punishment for bigamy? 2 mothers-in-law.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- How do some men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And his father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Mandy21:
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son calls his sister who goes nuts when she hears the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
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