Wow. Some stories here. My case doesn’t match these – and hugs to everyone – but I’ll tell it anyway.
Reading these posts actually gave me the realisation that my boyfriend of 6 years was actually much more of an Ennis than I ever thought.
So, I’ll give you the short(ish) version.
I met my boyfriend through the brass band I play in.. we knew each other vaguely, but I sat next to his brother in band so in fact before we started seeing each other I was much much closer to his brother. Anyway, as a 16 year old I thought he was gorgeous, and he was 18 – older! Wow! We got together after a band trip down south, on the journey home overnight, after having a good few bottles of beer we had a bit of a snogging session, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I was going to University 4 months later so we carried on a long distance relationship well long-ish for the UK and for young love.. (you US peeps thing a 4 hr drive is nothing!) ..and all was good.. we saw each other a fair bit and that initial loved up stage was lovely.. I knew his brother well anyway and knew of his family, so I fitted in there quite well… 2 yrs went by… Looking back now it would have probably run its course eventually, had other things not intervened – but I’m a try-er I don’t give up easily on anything. But yes, he was a total Ennis, I myself am a Jack – the talker, always need to be on the go etc.
He was up seeing me at uni one weekend when his dad called. Can I speak to Stuart? Stuart put down the phone and said. Graham’s dead. His brother had been killed in an accident at work. That was a terrible time…I had my own grief to deal with as well as Stuart’s, his whole families, and Graham’s girlfriend (a mate of mine). I had to phone round our friends and tell them the news. I had to track down Graham’s best friend as no-one could get in touch with him and tell him over the phone (he was visiting his girlfriend in London). It was hard. I held the family together.
Now this in itself is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things – plenty of people deal with death. But this was a lot to put on my shoulders at that age. But I wanted to be there – I loved this guy, very fond of the family, and his poor brother. Most of the time during the initial week or so after it.. he pushed me away. Didn’t want a cuddle, couldn’t handle it. It was just his way of dealing but there was other flashes of times, when I think he would have collapsed without me.
Anyway, there lies the problem… I let him treat me like 5hit.. because he was grieving.. and I got used to it. And I guess so did he. If he was horrible, and off hand, and more interested in his mates than me, and getting drunk and never physically but verbally abusive, I would say, but he’s grieving. It took another 4 yrs to come to head and took his best friend over a year of repeatedly telling me.. he’s a 5hit to you. Get out of there. And other people telling me the same to eventually make things come to a head. They’re had been plenty of times when I said to him before.. things need to change… but it would always go back to normal.
Stuarts best friend now doesn’t talk to him…he just thinks he’s a total ar5e. And in fact Barry and that group of friends are now some of my closest friends. Stuart is now seeing a girl in the group.. this all started before Barry gave up on him completely and while I can see or hear about definite improvements in his behaviour.. like he actually goes and visits her at uni regularly, takes her out on proper dates regularly, there are still a lot of elements of our relationship in theirs. .I see history repeating itself but its not for me to intervene. I’ve told her she knows my story but that she has to make the mistakes for herself and that I wish her luck. I just hope she doesn’t wait as long as I did, (although its 18 months now.) I don’t know how she does it. The majority of her friendships life and her boyfriend life are totally separate. It must be hard for her but she keeps plodding along.
So yeah, I was gutted when it all ended.. but I got over it and went into the I’m not interested in anyt relationship, just a few odd drunken snogs here and there .. and 2 and a half years later I’m just back on the dating scene. Started seeing a guy very recently who is so sweet an attentive.. it takes a bit of getting used to.. I feel like Carrie in SATC when she faints because of the Russian (although its not quite at that level!) but you know what I’m feeling like a GIRL again. I’m being all girly. And I don’t do girly!
Oh, and Ray:
I see people I love, who can never let go of the betrayal, and 15 years post divorce, still grab every chance to 'tsk' or 'hrmf' when their ex's name is mentioned. They have mastered the art of manipulating a conversation about white bread to make reports the ex's latest stupid comment, or weight gain, or stupidly backing into the neighbours letterbox twenty six years ago all become naturally topical. In doing so, they feel justification for the hurt they will never let go of. I don't want to feel that sort of resentment to the grave. I want to forgive all of it and take it onboard as part of my character.
You have nailed my sister in one. With her ex husband...I feel like she juis needs to let go.
She is very like this but I am more like you Ray. Stuart is not my friend (I have an ouside perspective now and don't like what he was, but I could never hate him. and I just can't be bothered with be-littling him all the time. I have my odd outburst sure, but its just not worse the hassle.
Wow. That was much longer than I anticipated! But that’s my story!
