Author Topic: Child Abuse and the Aftermath  (Read 3558 times)

injest

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Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« on: September 15, 2007, 05:42:26 am »
This is a painful subject.

« Last Edit: October 03, 2007, 06:38:37 pm by injest »

mvansand76

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2007, 06:31:43 am »
Hey-

First of all, this is the perfect place to post this thread, so don't worry about it.

Second, thank you so much for posting this. It must've taken some courage to do so and I applaud you. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through this and are still dealing with it. I can understand why you would not be able to offer them forgiveness. How do you deal with still being in touch with them? Have you ever thought about severing all contact with them? Your mother knows about your dad's abuse, right? Does she deny it and therefore mock you?

Mel

Offline Garry_LH

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2007, 07:49:46 am »
Jess... I am not going to try to tell you how to handle this or what you should do.  (ok, I just woke up)  Right now... You remember me talking about my alarms going off about how your sister is treating her daughters?  Please talk to someone, tell them what you wrote here, there is a family history here, way too many people marry folks like their own parents. Who ever you talk to, explain why you are worried.

Probably more later... If I find where I left my brain last night.
It could be like this, just like this... always.

Offline Garry_LH

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2007, 07:06:49 pm »
Jess... I posted over at the Feed and Tack and deleted and decided to move my thoughts over here.

Your mother wont touch you?  She knows what happened?  Jess... I want you to just out of the blue tell her you have something very important to you you need to ask her. Even when  she tries to ignore you... Just say... "Why do you blame me for what dad did to me?" 

Jess... It is a parent's duty to protect their children. I know a lot of women that are afraid they can't make it on their own, so they will stay in the most horrible marriages anyone can imagine. That does not mean she is not guilty of not having protected you. It's well past time she quit blaming you. It's way way past time she face the fact your father is one sick twisted bastard that should be locked up for the rest of his life. It's time she faced the fact she failed you!  It's time she quit denying you the love she should have shown you when you were a scarred little girl that was in desperate need of of your momma to protect you. Jess... This is not your fault.. It never has been...

Jess... I have come to know you. For all this anger you feel, for all of the pain that you carry that makes you react to things at home you aren't all that happy with yourself, you are basically one of the best people I have ever had the honor to get to know. Don didn't fall in love with you because you were some mean oll mama. He fell in love with that light your spirit shines out on all those your being touches. A light that many others often do misinterpret. A light that demands the best of yourself and those you choose to associate with. A light I recognized from the first words you ever posted over at Dave's. The light of your soul is so much of why I look forward to hearing from you. You make me smile, you make me think, and you help enlighten my world. You give me a bit of hope  when I look at this tired oll world.

Jess... If anyone I know deserves to be told they are a good person deserving of hugs and smiles, and told you are loved... Jess... Dear Friend... It is you...

Heck... Print this out and give it to your Mom... Maybe she'll get to where she can see that light I can 'see' from half way across the country.
It could be like this, just like this... always.

moremojo

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2007, 12:58:25 am »
Jess--

I am so sorry for the horrific abuse you had to endure as a defenseless child, and the emotional abuse and manipulation you still endure from your parents as an adult. No one should have to bear the suffering that you have. I am glad that you made it through this period of your life and have become the loving and generous human being who has made such a positive difference for so many other people. Remember, when you are feeling down and dejected, that you are stronger than you know--the fact that you have made it this far is testament to that.

I think all families are dysfunctional to some degree and in various ways, some more painfully dysfunctional than others. I think it is unrealistic to expect a complete lack of emotional or mental sickness in any given family, and that what one should look for is how much love exists within a family. Sincere love will impel people to behave in honorable and thoughtful ways, even if they are imperfect in some of their choices and actions. It's also valuable to remember that one can freely give love to anyone, for any reason or for no reason at all, and that love is not incumbent upon its being reciprocated. At the same time, one is not a bad person for not loving any given person, especially a person who has rendered harm to another.

On the subject of Jack and the dynamic of the Twist family, I make a distinction between what the film shows us or implies, and what the short story spells out. Short-story Jack is far less idealized than how the film presents him, and is not shown as especially loving or tender to anyone apart from the very deep love we come to learn he bears for Ennis. This might be more consistent with the very explicit abuse we learn, in the story, that Jack endured from his father. The urinating incident may have been the single most egregious event of abuse in Jack's childhood, but it suggests that Jack's youth was possibly brutal (it was certainly probably lonely), and serves as a vivid illustration of the strained relations that always prevailed between father and son.

Another element of this episode is that it, to my mind, introduces a possibly sublimated sexual component to Mr. Twist's treatment of his son. The act of urinating on one's child far transcends what would have even been considered legitimate discipline in the culture of the time, and is strongly redolent of sadism and sexual abuse. Jack also notes here the difference between the appearance of his father's penis and that of his own, and of how he could never "make it right" with him from this point on. It is possible that Mr. Twist saw something of his own nature in Jack, and hated him for it, punishing him with emotional distance and contempt.

I'm not surprised to learn that many here come from abusive backgrounds. We live in a culture of abuse, inheritors of a tradition that has seen children as chattel to be used and abused as their elders choose, and are only now beginning to emerge from this darkness into a more enlightened and progressive view where much of what was once deemed discipline is now being rightly viewed as the abuse it always was.

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2007, 02:50:37 pm »
The point I guess I am getting at in our own lifes is this. Parents make mistakes. What kind of mistakes and how they deal with those mistakes are what is important. My father molested me for years….from two to thirteen. Still calls me sometimes and tries to have phone sex with me…my mother gets angry I hang up on him. But as bad as that was, the abuse that hurt me worse was the emotional abuse my mother heaped on me. And still does.

...

We need to look at our parents and forgive where we can…but not leave ourselves open to being abused further. My father can not have my forgiveness while he keeps trying to use me sexually. My mother can not while she mocks me. I can’t change them. I can only deal with them the best way I can and still protect myself. My choice with my father is complete severance of all communication. My choice with my mother is to limit my contact when she strikes out at me….and that is not the one I would prefer…but it is the one I can live with..

Jess. ... OMG. I had no idea until I stumbled in here this afternoon. ...

Why isn't his sorry ass in jail?

 :'(
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2007, 02:56:51 pm »
I can’t imagine a father telling one child to go beat up another but that was his ‘solution’ to Ennis being harassed by his older brother. Might equals right.

Actually, in the case of boys, I can, especially in that time and place. Even today boys learn that to gain respect, you have to hit back harder. At least little Ennis dd it with his fists. On the streets of Philadelphia today, they do it with guns.

Doesn't make it right, but that's the way it seems to be.
"It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide."--Charles Dickens.

Offline Kelda

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Re: Child Abuse and the Aftermath
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2007, 11:57:51 am »
Jess - you are brave at telling this story publicly and also still dealing with your family.  :-*

I salute you.
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