Bullying and harassment

[mvansand76]

I wanted to start this thread about bullying and harassment because in my opinion not a lot of attention is paid to prevention and to the life-long effects of bullying. It makes me so sad to think of the consequences and still, at least here in Holland, insufficient attention is paid to prevention and really finding out what the long-term effects are of bullying.

Were you ever bullied in school?

How did you deal with it?

Are your kids being bullied?

How do you deal with it?

Have you ever or are you now being bullied at work?

How do you deal with it?


And another question that always plays in my mind. Do you really think there is a difference between teasing and bullying? I have always thought that to a very sensitive child, teasing can come over as bullying, and especially because children cannot put things into perspective as much as adults can.

[Wishes]

I think I'm an expert on what it is like to be bullied. Without getting into details it will haunt a person for the rest of their life.

I don't think education or anything else will stop it. People will bully if they feel superior either physically or mentally to a person. I think it is part of the human psyche. Eventhough I don't think it applies to everyone, but to a large population. Basically they are cowards because they never pick on someone bigger than themselves or bully alone.

[injest]

this morning on the local news they showed a little segment called "Focus on the Family" (yeah, the same group) anyway it was about bullying. The expert said that bullying is a major factor in suicides and school violence...then he looked into the camera and said "When kids start killing other kids it is time to do something"

so I guess when the kid kills himself because he can't stand it anymore...that's ok. no need to act as long as it is just the 'losers' killing themselves...

 

[moremojo]

I was a gentle and shy child and teenager, and was bullied on occasion by my peers. There just seems to be this dark corner in human nature that some will seek to feel powerful by abusing those who they deem to be weaker and more vulnerable than themselves.

What made my situation even more egregious was that the adults (teachers, in my case) stood by and let the bullying continue. In the first case, it was my sixth-grade coach, who I believe in retrospect was thinking that the incident was "good" for me, and would "help" me become a "man" (what absolute, insulting nonsense), and in the second, a female teacher (high-school level) who I think was afraid in some sense to intervene in what she knew was happening right outside her classroom door. I felt (feel) even angrier and more betrayed by these elders to whose care I was entrusted than at my peers who abused and threatened me.

To be fully honest and fair, a first cousin of mine and I on occasion bullied another cousin (my first cousin's younger brother) when we were children, because we were older, stronger, and could get away with it, and all this gave us a feeling of power that we enjoyed (though we would not have been able to articulate all this at that age). So I have been on both sides of the coin. I think the impulse to power and domination is a natural component of humanity, but I do not think it is moral or just. It is wrong to victimize another human being, even a child wronging another child, and it is the responsibility of society (represented by the family, the school, or the law) to intervene in such circumstances.

[Wishes]

Those Focus on the Family segments make me sick. I turn the channel when they come on.

I agree with you moremojo about the adults in school. I too experienced this. Teachers were aware of incidents and let it go. Some bully mentality definitially starts in the home and with the parents.

I figured out a number of years ago why I never felt comfortable at the mall: it reminded me of the hallways at school. I still hate going to the mall and will rarely walk through one. I usually just target the department store I want to go to and that's it. Yay for internet shopping! 

[Artiste]

Interesting, I wisg I had seen this thread before !

Unfortunately, isn't everyone being bullied at times ?

[Artiste]

Some bully for fun... it seems.

And that can be stopped ?

[CellarDweller]

Were you ever bullied in school?

Oh sure, plenty of times.  I was still in the closet then, very much in denial with myself.  I was shoved into lockers, pushed up staris, spit at, punched, slapped, and one time, molested in the school auditorium. Of course, all the name calling went along with it.   "faggot, fairy, homo..." 

How did you deal with it?

I internalized it all, ran from it, tried my best to become "invisible" at school.  I talked to almost no one.  I learned to recognize far off voices and smells.  If I heard the voice of one of the bullies who would regularly target me in the distance, I would immedietely turn and run in the other direction.  There was one kid who used to wear the nastiest cologne.  I learned to smell it quickly (and hate it), and get away as fast as I could.  It was almost like a strange "documentary" on nature.  "The smaller, meeker Chuck, has picked up the scent of prey, and retreats."



Not long ago, I was in a store shopping, and someone passed me, wearing that same cologne.  My knees locked, and the first thought was "where is he?"

I never told my parents about it, I didn't want them to know, and to be disappointed with me.

Have you ever or are you now being bullied at work?

When I graduated high school, I was happy, thinking "I'm finally away from them!" and got a job at the local supermarket.  Three of the kids who gave me hell ended up getting hired there as well.  And of course, they told everyone there about the abuse that took place in school, and it followed me to my job.  Physical abuse had stopped, but was replaced with grafitti about me in the men's room, and all over the walls in the basement, out in the open for everyone to see/read.  Rude, lewd post about me, the size of my dick, how I sucked dicks, and all other kinds of nasty stuff.  When I approached the manager of the store, I was told "It's too expensive to repaint the walls, and they'll only do it again anyway."

How do you deal with it?[/i]

I refused to quit my job, so like Ennis said, "you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.".  I was only 18, no way to afford a lawyer to sue my employer.  Besides, if I had done that, I'd be admiting what they were saying was true, and I was still in denial to myself.

[Artiste]

CellarDweller, you see the importance therefore of this thread? !!

I see more and more gay men being bullied, because they are gays!

Say, did you see the scene where Jack, cruising Jimbo, is refused by Jimbo?
Do you think that Jimbo is bullieying Jack somehow?

Au revoir,
hugs!

[CellarDweller]

Say, did you see the scene where Jack, cruising Jimbo, is refused by Jimbo?
Do you think that Jimbo is bullieying Jack somehow?

no, he's just refusing Jack's advances.

[loneleeb3]

I wanted to start this thread about bullying and harassment because in my opinion not a lot of attention is paid to prevention and to the life-long effects of bullying. It makes me so sad to think of the consequences and still, at least here in Holland, insufficient attention is paid to prevention and really finding out what the long-term effects are of bullying.

Oh sure, plenty of times.  I was still in the closet then, very much in denial with myself.  I was shoved into lockers, pushed up staris, spit at, punched, slapped, and one time, molested in the school auditorium. Of course, all the name calling went along with it.   "faggot, fairy, homo..." 


I internalized it all, ran from it, tried my best to become "invisible" at school.  I talked to almost no one.  I learned to recognize far off voices and smells.  If I heard the voice of one of the bullies who would regularly target me in the distance, I would immedietely turn and run in the other direction.  There was one kid who used to wear the nastiest cologne.  I learned to smell it quickly (and hate it), and get away as fast as I could.  It was almost like a strange "documentary" on nature.  "The smaller, meeker Chuck, has picked up the scent of prey, and retreats."



Not long ago, I was in a store shopping, and someone passed me, wearing that same cologne.  My knees locked, and the first thought was "where is he?"

I never told my parents about it, I didn't want them to know, and to be disappointed with me.

When I graduated high school, I was happy, thinking "I'm finally away from them!" and got a job at the local supermarket.  Three of the kids who gave me hell ended up getting hired there as well.  And of course, they told everyone there about the abuse that took place in school, and it followed me to my job.  Physical abuse had stopped, but was replaced with grafitti about me in the men's room, and all over the walls in the basement, out in the open for everyone to see/read.  Rude, lewd post about me, the size of my dick, how I sucked dicks, and all other kinds of nasty stuff.  When I approached the manager of the store, I was told "It's too expensive to repaint the walls, and they'll only do it again anyway."

I refused to quit my job, so like Ennis said, "you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.".  I was only 18, no way to afford a lawyer to sue my employer.  Besides, if I had done that, I'd be admiting what they were saying was true, and I was still in denial to myself.

Wish I had been there!
There would havebeen some major ass kicking going on!
I'm so sorry! 

[Kelda]

I tell you what if only the could see you now.

I was also bullied although minor and although it hurt like hell at the time - you know what I think it helped to make me a stronger person and made me the person I am today... a tough little shit!

[David In Indy]

I just now saw this thread for the first time! And my bff Melissa was the one who started it! 

Chuck, you're unfortunate experiences in school sound identical to mine. Everything you mentioned also happened to me. School, and especially high school was a terrible experience. I wouldn't repeat it for anything. I really do hope there is no such thing as reincarnation, because the idea of going through school again appalls me.

I did however have a few friends who were athletes, and that helped me quite a bit. Ken, who played the string bass in my orchestra also played on the football team. In addition to getting made fun of for being gay, I was also made fun of quite a bit because I played violin and cello in the orchestra - what they called fag instruments. Ken didn't appreciate that because he was in the orchestra too. We became friends and he and a few of his buddies looked out for me. It got pretty rough for gay kids in Indiana back in the 70s. It's still pretty rough for them now.

And they pinned the unfortunate name of "Gayvid" on me and it stuck throughout high school. Actually I think that name hurt more than all the punches, slaps and other physical bullying I received. Because whenever someone would shout it, everyone would laugh. It really hurt a lot.

[injest]

man, high school kids are SOOOO clever aren't they...

 

{{{David}}}

[Kelda]

Eesh David, you had it bad too...

God I got some cruel remarks but never ever tio that extent.

But do you think that partly this made you the compassionate person you are today?

[CellarDweller]

Chuck, you're unfortunate experiences in school sound identical to mine. Everything you mentioned also happened to me. School, and especially high school was a terrible experience. I wouldn't repeat it for anything. I really do hope there is no such thing as reincarnation, because the idea of going through school again appalls me.

I know what you mean, David.  I've heard people say that they would love to go back and relive those days.  I always tell people if they ask me that, I would never go back, you couldn't pay me enough for that.

[CellarDweller]

But do you think that partly this made you the compassionate person you are today?

That could be, Kelda, speaking for myself of course.  I do believe that the experiences you have shape the person you become, and I've always sworn that I would never do to anyone else what was done to me.

[Artiste]

CellarDweller and others:

Do you think that we tend to become an Ennis, instead of a Jack, because we, as gay men or women, have been bullied and harrassed because of our homosexual orientation??

May I ask !!

Au revoir,
hugs!

[David In Indy]

Eesh David, you had it bad too...

God I got some cruel remarks but never ever tio that extent.

But do you think that partly this made you the compassionate person you are today?

I'm not sure Kelda. For a long time I was quite shy, but over the years I've broken out of that mold. The thing I often wonder about is if any of those people who bullied me back in school now regret what they did. Does it haunt them now? Do they ever think about it? At all? Probably not.

This makes me think of that scene from the movie Flatliners, where Kevin Bacon is haunted by the memories of the little girl he tormented in grade school. He ends up apologizing to her, and she forgives him. He didn't do it willingly though. The memories started haunting him after his near death experience, or rather death experiments.

Nobody has ever looked me up though. No phone calls. No letters. No nothing. Like I said, I doubt they ever think about it, nor are they probably concerned about it in the least.

[David In Indy]

I know what you mean, David.  I've heard people say that they would love to go back and relive those days.  I always tell people if they ask me that, I would never go back, you couldn't pay me enough for that.

If there is a Hell, that's probably what they do to us. Make us go back to school over and over again.

Yipes!

[Kelda]

I'm not sure Kelda. For a long time I was quite shy, but over the years I've broken out of that mold. The thing I often wonder about is if any of those people who bullied me back in school now regret what they did. Does it haunt them now? Do they ever think about it? At all? Probably not.

 

[CellarDweller]

If there is a Hell, that's probably what they do to us. Make us go back to school over and over again.

Yipes!

Gets down on knees to repent.

[CellarDweller]

I'm not sure Kelda. For a long time I was quite shy, but over the years I've broken out of that mold. The thing I often wonder about is if any of those people who bullied me back in school now regret what they did. Does it haunt them now? Do they ever think about it? At all? Probably not.

This makes me think of that scene from the movie Flatliners, where Kevin Bacon is haunted by the memories of the little girl he tormented in grade school. He ends up apologizing to her, and she forgives him. He didn't do it willingly though. The memories started haunting him after his near death experience, or rather death experiments.

Nobody has ever looked me up though. No phone calls. No letters. No nothing. Like I said, I doubt they ever think about it, nor are they probably concerned about it in the least.

I've thought about that too.  So much so at one time, that I put my profile up at Classmates.com to see if I would get any responses.

I got people who looked at or signed into my guest book, but no messages or anything from anyone.

I'm sure they feel no regret for what they did.  To them, it was harmless fun/teasing.

I absolutely refused to go to my 10 year reunion.  I debated going to my 20th, which just passed last year, and again decided not to go.  I saw no reason to go there and sit in a room with a bunch of people who made my life hell, and now have them try to pretend we were friends.

[Kelda]

bumping some old threads