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Author Topic: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy  (Read 30449 times)

mvansand76

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2007, 07:07:10 am »
Please continue sweetie!  :P ;) :-*

This is fantastic!
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Offline David In Indy

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #21 on: October 29, 2007, 01:18:18 am »
Communion

No eating 12 hours before Mass. All you fellow Catholics out there...remember that one? If you eat anything 12 hours before Mass, or drink anything 2 hours before, you can't go to communion. To do so is committing sacrilege. 

If you haven't gone to Confession you shouldn't go to Communion either. That would be sacrilege too.

Sacrilege. This is something all good Catholics wanted to avoid. Worse than a mortal sin. So, naturally we avoided committing it at all costs, and we didn't eat and made damn sure we hadn't committed anything worse than a venial sin before the beginning of Mass. Scary stuff.

And after all of that, the only thing they give us is a little piece of bread. Stale bread. A little itty bitty piece of stale bread about 1 inch round. Thin as cardboard. It tasted like cardboard too. Slightly sweet, and as dry as hell. It would cling to the roof of the mouth like peanut butter. All you Catholics out there.. am I right? How many of you were tempted to pick it off the roof of your mouth with your finger? But we didn't dare do it, did we? Why couldn't they give us a sip of water to wash that thing down with? Something. Anything. Everyone would be kneeling and praying as they attempted to suck the stale bread off the roof of their mouths. We all looked as if we just took a hit of lemon juice. Awful stuff, those communion wafers.

They made me starve myself for 12 hours and go to Mass as hungry as hell all for THAT? A piece of stiff and stale bread? I always wanted to ask the priest if he had a little piece of Brie to go with that stale bread. Butter? Margarine? God, a little salt??!!

And they have the NERVE to call this a "supper". This confirms to me the Pope must be straight! No gay Pope in his right mind would invite people to supper and only offer them a piece of stale bread.

Now they give us a sip of wine too. THANK YOU! Just what I wanted; a sip of wine from the same cup as the person snotting and coughing in front of me. Influenza anyone? I'll skip the wine and return to my pew with the piece of stale bread stuck to the roof of my mouth.




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Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #22 on: October 29, 2007, 09:40:16 am »
The Lutheran congregation I was raised in used little unleavened wafers about the size of a quarter. My mother's advice to me, when I was first admitted to Communion, was to get a good amount of spit on my tongue, shove the wafer against the roof of my mouth, and forget about it.  ;D

Now that church uses a loaf of real bread, dry and not particularly tasty, and it's almost impossible to get it chewed and swallowed by the time some assistant is shoving the wine at you.  ;D
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Offline Kelda

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #23 on: October 29, 2007, 04:13:26 pm »
loving this thread D!
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Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #24 on: October 29, 2007, 04:15:53 pm »
Quote from: Nutmeg Guy on October 28, 2007, 07:28:17 am
Yes, please continue.   

And if it gets too heavy I can always tell my pregnant Nun joke.     ::)

I don't know that one, but I know one about two nuns and a bedpan.  ::)
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Offline southendmd

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #25 on: October 29, 2007, 05:25:11 pm »
David, honey, I'm with you. 

The rituals are difficult enough, but they kept changing the rules.  It's very confusing for a child.  I remember the dry quarter-sized cardboard communion wafer.  We were told not to chew , that it would eventually melt. 

A few years later, well into the 70s, they changed the wafer.  Now it was this whole wheat affair, and you had  to chew it.  So, now we were told it's OK to chew the body of Christ. 

Also, the nuns wore their habit, never showing their heads.  Few years later, they were all wearing polyester pant suits and sported the popular "shag" haircut.  Go figure.

More stories, David?
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Offline Jeff Wrangler

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #26 on: October 29, 2007, 06:53:18 pm »
Whole-wheat hosts? How ... healthy. ...
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #27 on: October 29, 2007, 07:05:09 pm »
Quote from: Jeff Wrangler on October 29, 2007, 06:53:18 pm
Whole-wheat hosts? How ... healthy. ...

 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

Not unlike the Pita Bread we've been getting.  It comes complete with a perforation down the middle like a zipper so when the priest holds it up it splits perfectly in two.
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Offline tampatalon

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2007, 07:30:23 pm »
I was raised Catholic and I always wondered how many veneal sins would equal one mortal sin.

TampaTalon ^">
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Offline ifyoucantfixit

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Re: The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2007, 08:08:42 pm »



          Whole wheat pita bread, jeese..I thought it was supposed to be unleavened wheat flour....?

           Shows how long since i have been to communion.          :-\
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