ConfessionWe Catholics are a strange and overly scrupulous bunch of people. We claim to believe in a loving and merciful God, and yet we feel compelled to run to Confession every time we
think we may have committed even the slightest of sins. Faster than crap through a goose, we're down at the church telling someone else what we think we just did. I've seen it happen over and over again.
My Mother was like this. If she even suspected I was thinking an impure thought, she'd grab me by my ear, toss me in her car and drive my ass down to the church. Pronto. Mom used to tell me to bring along my bed, because I'll probably be back there again tomorrow. Might as well spend the night in there. Most of the time she was right. I was back the next day, but often times I didn't know why.
Many non Catholics don't understand how scary Confession can be for a teenager. The Confessional is about the size of a telephone booth. Inside is a kneeler, a crucifix and a grate in the wall for the priest to speak through. It was hot and dark. Pitch black - like kneeling inside an upended coffin with the lid closed. Most of the time we'd enter the Confessional, close the door and wait for a couple of minutes in total pitch blackness and silence until the priest suddenly slid the grate open, allowing a small amount of light to penetrate the tiny room........
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Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been.......it's been.... um.... one day since my last Confession.
David? Is that you again?
Umm. I guess so Father.
What did you do this time?
Well, I'm not sure. I was standing there talking to my Mother, and I think I might have glanced down towards my waist. Now I'm in here.
You glanced down towards your waist?
Yes Father.
Did you have any impure thoughts while you were glancing at your waist?
NO Father!
Did you touch yourself in an impure manner as you were glancing towards your waist?
NO Father! I was talking to my Mother!
So, do you confess that you might have had some impure thoughts, or touched yourself in an impure manner had your Mother not been standing there?
No Father.
Do you have anything else to confess?
No Father. I don't think so.
Say an act of contrition.
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because not only do I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasions of sin.
By authority of our Lord Jesus Christ and Holy Mother Church, I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. For your penance I want you to say 15 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys and 3 rosaries. Oh, and David?
Yes Father?
Before you come back to Confession tomorrow, have your Mother call the Church ahead of time. I'm getting tired of missing my
I Love Lucy episodes because of this. Okay?
