Author Topic: The Christmas Schedule of Events - The Attack of the Salad Shooter  (Read 1567 times)

Offline Phillip Dampier

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They've been running those damned Christmas ads on TV for the past two weeks! And the stores put their Christmas trees up in SEPTEMBER! I'm sick of Christmas already!  >:(

Pretty soon they will be doing this whole Christmas deal year round, don't you think?

My Christmas Schedule of Events:

Late August - Wal-Mart is starting to tear down part of the summer outdoor garden section as palates with Christmas mechandise start arriving.

October - Early in the month many stores start stocking their Christmas candies and other such stuff in the "Seasonal Merchandise aisle" but usually don't get too visible about it until the day after Halloween.  By the week before Halloween, the Time-Life Treasury of Christmas Music CD ads start showing up.  Order now.

November 1 - All bets are off.  As soon as the Halloween stuff comes down, the Christmas decorations go up in malls, stores, and in the ads.  Christmas music starts to play in some malls.  (It's already started on XM Radio - and at least two of your local radio stations will be playing all Xmas all the time in a week or two).

November 15 - Most malls have now got all Xmas stuff up and the music is playing.  Ads for the perennial gifts that say "here" are on the air: Salad Shooter, The Clapper, and the Remington Shaver are all on sale and make the perfect generic throwaway gift.

November 24 - Ch.. Ch.. Ch.. Ch.. Chia!  Yes, the timeless gift that really says "I don't care about you" is on sale.  Just sit around trying to smear seeds on a clay rendition of livestock, try and water the thing without the seeds coming off, and then pray in a week or two you have a sprouting Chia Pet to use as an excuse for generic banter and conversation starter.  Ames, a loathsome department store that I think has since evaporated, had only one good thing going for it - truly amusing holiday ads.  In one, an eight foot tall Chia Pet in the form of Ulysses S. Grant towered over two pensioners, with a kindly old grandfather standing on a stepladder with a watering can trying to keep the thing moist.

"It looks like Ulysses S. Grant," deadpanned his wife as they stared haplessly at the monstrosity of it all.

By mid-December, Chia is already at the "get it out of my store" clearance price of three for a dollar.

December - Full tilt of endless advertising.  Will you disappoint your loved ones by not spending $5,000+ on Christmas gifts this year?  Who are these ads for?  "Look honey, a brand new Lexus with all the trimmings is wrapped with a giant bow in the garage -- surprise!  (As if most men can wrap anything anyway)."

The Last Week Before - Last minute sales abound.  And here is where Isotoner gloves and those Totes sock/slipper combo things do 99% of their business.  When that hardly-special someone shows up unannounced on your doorstep and you never thought of giving them anything this year, but they hand you something, chances are excellent Isotoner will save your day as a pre-wrapped generic 'give it to anyone' gift.  Just clandestinely scribble their name on the tag and "here you go!"  Your other options, as they like to remind you, are the rancid Russell-Stover pre-wrapped candy box (rodent hairs may or may not be included), Gift Pack of Lifesavers, Wallets from China (do not lick them), or mixed nuts.

It's the same story every year.  Only the annoying novelty gift your uncle seems to endlessly talk about changes.  From the Magic 8 Ball to the Obnoxious Billy Bass, the scurge of the novelty gift infects every family every year.

And when it's all over, you can bring out the Roomba automated vacuum cleaner your tech-savy brother bought you a year ago that you had to put away after it stalked and tried to suck up your cat, Mr. Boots (who got an attorney and a restraining order), and clean it all up!
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Offline U/L Flyer

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Re: The Christmas Schedule of Events - The Attack of the Salad Shooter
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2007, 03:26:51 pm »
Phillip- I like your style!!  You certainly have a gift for writing.  I can relate to the part about the Roomba vs. The Cat.  That was quality entertainment the day we brought the Roomba home.  I don't think the cat felt the same way.  That is one appliance that I don't see how I ever lived without. 

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: The Christmas Schedule of Events - The Attack of the Salad Shooter
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2007, 03:58:34 pm »
OMG Phillip that was hilarious!  You are way too funny!

Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline ifyoucantfixit

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Re: The Christmas Schedule of Events - The Attack of the Salad Shooter
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2007, 04:09:46 pm »

            Now Christmas has officially started.  You have brought back all the warm fuzzies from past years??


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Offline jstephens9

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Re: The Christmas Schedule of Events - The Attack of the Salad Shooter
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2007, 04:11:43 pm »
Phillip, that is absolutely GREAT  ;D I never knew your very humorous writing until now. So you don't like Salad Shooters? They make great weapons  :laugh:

Thanks for sharing that story  ;)