Gay Detecting Radar

[j.U.d.E.]

I seem to have a knack for detecting closeted married men at Target, the gym, or the supermarkets. With these guys though, it's gotta be rough. They keep themselves so shut off but their eyes will wander at the wrong time, and I seem to catch them at those times.

That's actually quite cute, the way you discribe it! 

I would say I have an above average gaydar, but I have also been wrong. Of course, I cannot always 'find out', when I 'suspect', because I won't be as bold as Lynne  (way to go, Lynne!) everytime I think someone could be gay. I think it's mostly the eyes and a certain 'way of being'.. hard to describe.

Back at Uni there was this one friend where I thought he might be gay. When we came back from an exchange year abroad another friend told me that this friend had told her he was gay. I just said - yes, what else is new..  I think the friend who told me, was a bit surprised.. 

A couple of years ago I had a friend from the UK visiting me in Brussels and she brought her husband too. We met in the city centre and he 'pinged!!' totally! I showed them around the city a bit and brought them to our 'gay quarter' of Brussels and my friend told me her husband does like both.. 

Really!? 

~ j U d E

[YaadPyar]

Interesting reading about your gay-radar (gaydar....like that).....anyway....from a straight females point of view, here are the things i look for or notice....

Katie -

I know too many straight men who fit in the categories you describe to think those cues mean 'gay'.  And too many gay men who don't.  And lesbians who don't fit into any of that.

And I'm wondering also here - I have always hated the word lesbian.  I think it sounds so ugly.  There's not a different term for being straight depending on gender.  Am wondering if it makes sense to just use the word gay for men & women.  Although I so like the term queer myself, but don't know why...

And, as Nipith said, it's always tricky when your own gay-dar tells you something about a person who can't acknowledge themselves who they are....

[Lynne]

yet, just asking works. of course, it doesn't work with strangers.

Lest you think I have NO tact whatsoever, if I don't know someone well enough to ask, I figure it's not really my business

[YaadPyar]

Lest you think I have NO tact whatsoever, if I don't know someone well enough to ask, I figure it's not really my business

Y'know Lynne - I find that folks, when presented with someone who is genuinely interested, accepting and non-judgemental, are only too happy to share what everyone assumes should be a secret.

 

[starboardlight]

Lest you think I have NO tact whatsoever, if I don't know someone well enough to ask, I figure it's not really my business

no of course. for the most part, stranger's sexuality is nobody's business but theirs, but there are exceptions. for me when I meet someone for the first time, and I'm thinking he's cute, should I ask for his phone number, it then become necessary to figure out his sexuality before I proceed. Asking point blank just won't do. That's where gaydar come in handy. I guess that's where gaydar is more than looking at someone's physical appearance. It takes some flirting to determine chemistry. It also takes some reading of body language. Does he get uncomfortable if I hold eye contact a bit longer? Does he move back if I stand a little closer than the usual distance? It's very subtle and requires me to be very sensitive to my own instincts. How does one describe how long is a bit longer when holding eye contact?

[starboardlight]

Although I so like the term queer myself, but don't know why...

yep, I love the term "queer" too. I prefer it to gay, myself. it can be confrontational, but i like the "I don't give a f***" attitude to it. I also like the vagueness of it, in that it includes men and women, as well as those in between or beyond genders. it doesn't peg you down to being gay, or bi, but leaves it open for exploration and flexibility.

[Lynne]

Y'know Lynne - I find that folks, when presented with someone who is genuinely interested, accepting and non-judgemental, are only too happy to share what everyone assumes should be a secret.

I completely agree, Celeste...the climate of secrecy around sexuality is not necessarily healthy, and that knowing you're asking out of caring and without judgment goes a long way toward opening communication.  But there are still some personal boundaries that should be respected.  I guess there's a balancing act that requires sensitivity.  It's an interesting question for a lot of topics.  I know some women (me included) who are forever getting the 'you don't have children?' question, like there's something wrong with you if you don't procreate.  There can be many reasons for this, some of them quite painful.  The answer people get from me varies based on the spirit of the question.

...there are exceptions. for me when I meet someone for the first time, and I'm thinking he's cute, should I ask for his phone number, it then become necessary to figure out his sexuality before I proceed. Asking point blank just won't do. That's where gaydar come in handy. I guess that's where gaydar is more than looking at someone's physical appearance. It takes some flirting to determine chemistry. It also takes some reading of body language. Does he get uncomfortable if I hold eye contact a bit longer? Does he move back if I stand a little closer than the usual distance? It's very subtle and requires me to be very sensitive to my own instincts. How does one describe how long is a bit longer when holding eye contact?

Starbie - that's really the topic here - thanks for getting me back on track here.  So I'll just reiterate.  Male or female, I really don't seem to have the sensitivity to pick up on those subtleties myself.  It's like negotiating a minefield or something.  Overt flirting is about the only thing I can recognize with any degree of certainty.  Maybe it takes practice if you're not born with it?

-Lynne

[Jeff Wrangler]

yep, I love the term "queer" too. I prefer it to gay, myself. it can be confrontational, but i like the "I don't give a f***" attitude to it. I also like the vagueness of it, in that it includes men and women, as well as those in between or beyond genders. it doesn't peg you down to being gay, or bi, but leaves it open for exploration and flexibility.

Not I. Maybe it's an age or generational thing, but for me, queer has never lost its connotation of being "not right in the head"--and not in a good way!

[moremojo]

I am a gay man, and I have absolutely terrible "gaydar"; I have learned to never assume anything until the person themselves makes a statement regarding their sexual identity. I have met many men with feminine characteristics, completely non-macho and sensitive, who have turned out to be straight. Thing is, most of the gay men I know (and I include myself here) bear qualities that our culture usually deems to be feminine--thus my assumption (so often now proven wrong) that a man exhibiting such traits is likely to be gay.

Scott

[Katie77]

I would feel like i was offending a gay person if i said he was "queer"....I dont know where the word gay came from, but at least its a pleasant happy word....and i refer to both men and women as "gay"..

I agree that ones sexuality is private, and I would never ask anyone if he/she was gay, unless i was sure it wouldnt offend them, it would have to be at the right time in the right place....but from what I would guess, if someone was gay, and I asked them if they were, the question would come after some previous conversation, and that person would realize that I was only being inquisitive, and not negative towards them.

As it has shown here in the threads and posts, gay men and women are very comfortable talking about their sexuality, having a sense of humour about it, and arent secretative about it, and I'm sure if they thought they would get the same responses to someone in conversation, they would only be too pleased to have been asked about it.

It is probably a bit difficult to just come out and say "i am gay, what do you think about that?"....maybe if more people asked, and then continued on asking a few more questions, the mystery of gaynesss to us straight people might not be there....when anything is secretative, or hidden away, it is always going to attract irresponsible rumours, and inuendos, and people's ill informed views on the subject.....knowing for sure, just how it is, might make people realize that gay people are no different to straight people......and if its ok for a straight guy to talk about his/her partner with affection, then it should be no different for a gay guy/girl to talk about their partner or their life.

Take away the silence and the secrets and I'm sure gayness will become matter of fact, not some deep dark secret mysterious way of life.