OSCAR NIGHT RITUALS Originally posted by meryl_88 Friday, March 3, 2006:HEY BROKIES, TELL Y'WHAT, we need some sort of sacred ritual for Oscar Night. How are we going to approach it with proper reverence, whether we be alone or in groups?
Our gods, prophets and demi-gods will be visible in real time and will commune with us via satellite. This is an historic moment for the Cult. How shall this be done?
Suggested pre-Oscar ritual:
1. Repeat as often as necessary: "S'alright, s'alright, s'alright..."
2. Wear lucky underwear and socks daily. If people avoid you, then it's working.
3. Consume at least one of the following daily: whiskey, beer (long-necked bottles preferred), beans, cherry cake, elk meat (especially lucky).
4. Visualize Schamus, Lee, Ledger, Gyllenhaal, Williams, McMurtry, Ossana, Prieto and Santaolalla in a smiling group, statuettes in hand.
5. Avoid any article with "Crash" in the title
6. Upon any mention of Roger Ebert, look mean and spit into a coffee cup.
Posted by jscheib (JeffWrangler): When you put it that way, I guess I may need to begin the evening with a Ritual Meal of canned beans, after which it may be advisable to don the Sacred Garments. However, since somebody mentioned in another post that ballots had to be in by this Wednesday, I'm afraid it may be too late for the cultic ritual mojo to do any good.
Posted by Yaadpyar:Part of the sacred ritual is to to bind a community together, so it's got to be something we can all do individually or together, and Academy ballots be damned.
Options (with examples following):
- Eating sacred food (beans, whiskey, cherry cake, apple pie, trouts, coffee, elk)
- Wearing sacred vestments (cowboy hat & boots, checkered shirt, jeans, rodeo belt buckle)
- Speaking sacred words (I swear, I wish I could quit you, Jack Nasty, It could be a sweet life, It could be like this-just like this-always, It's 'cause a you I'm like this)
- Sacred grooming (washing with hot water heated in a campfire, growing a huge mustache or sideburns, shaving from a tin cup, grabbing a toothbrush before goin' fishin')
- Singing sacred verse (Water Walking Jesus, A Love That Will Never Grow Old)
- Performing sacred acts (washing shirts in river naked except for boots and hat, sticking boots into campfire, sleeping in a tent with a co-worker, herding sheep)
Any of these work for ya'll? Any more to add? Shall we pick a few we can agree on?
Posted by jscheib (JeffWrangler): Part of the sacred ritual is to to bind a community together, so it's got to be something we can all do individually or together, and Academy ballots be damned.
Never mind the sheep. ...
Eating sacred food (beans, whiskey, cherry cake, apple pie, trouts, coffee, elk)
Anybody got a recipe for cherry cake? All anybody in my family ever made was cherry pie.
Wearing sacred vestments (cowboy hat & boots, checkered shirt, jeans, rodeo belt buckle)
Heck, that works for me any time!
Speaking sacred words (I swear, I wish I could quit you, Jack Nasty, It could be a sweet life, It could be like this-just like this-always, It's 'cause a you I'm like this)
"Jack, I swear. ... Jack, I swear. ... Jack, I swear. ..."
Sacred grooming (washing with hot water heated in a campfire, growing a huge mustache or sideburns, shaving from a tin cup, grabbing a toothbrush before goin' fishin')
I would not advise the campfire part if you live in a high-rise building in a major city. There's this little legal point called "Risking a catastrophe."
Singing sacred verse (Water Walking Jesus, A Love That Will Never Grow Old)
Other possibility: "He Was a Friend of Mine."
Performing sacred acts (washing shirts in river naked except for boots and hat, sticking boots into campfire, sleeping in a tent with a co-worker, herding sheep)
Again, not so feasible if you live in a major city. I could pitch a pup tent on the q.t. in my living room if I had anybody to share it with.
Posted by meryl_88:When you put it that way, I guess I may need to begin the evening with a Ritual Meal of canned beans, after which it may be advisable to don the Sacred Garments.
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Excellent preparation.
Now, what to do during the Red Carpet interviews? As we wait for our Holy Ones to arrive on the scene, we could smoke like a chimney and consume bottles of beer and pace the room. Or we could hang a symbolic pair of binoculars around our neck, as a way of invoking their appearance.
I have determined that whenever Heath appears on screen, I will speak the sacred words: "Nice to know you, Ennis Del Mar." When Jake appears, I will speak the sacred words: "Jack F3ckin' Twist!" When Michelle, Anne, Ang, Larry, Diana, Rodrigo or Gus appear, I will murmur a respectful "Yeehaw." Throughout the evening, other sacred words as mentioned by yaadpyar such as "Jack, I swear" and "It could be a sweet life" as well as "S'alright, s'alright, s'alright" will be used as necessary to renew the spirit.
Just before the actual broadcast, I will light a symbolic campfire (I have a giant green candle with several wicks that should do the job) and sit with my feet near it. I will place my teakettle nearby (my coffeemaker is glass) with a wooden spoon, ready for banging on when applause is called for. I will have purchased a small flask of whiskey for the express purpose of taking a swig when we win a statuette.
As the time for the Best Picture award draws near, I will remove all breakables from the vicinity of the TV, as I intend to recreate the sacred Rodeo Dance performed by Jack in the movie just before he falls over so dramatically.
There, I feel better for having formulated some sort of plan. Anyone else want to weigh in with suggestions?
Posted by jscheib (JeffWrangler): Meryl, I'm nominatin' you for high priestess!
We need an East Coast version of Ang-fest. Maybe after the DVD is out.
Now I've GOT to quit this board (for the night) and GET SOME SLEEP!