Author Topic: The Company Newsletter  (Read 1153 times)

Offline CellarDweller

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The Company Newsletter
« on: December 26, 2009, 12:53:39 am »
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 1, 2008
RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!  Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
               
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty



FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 2, 2008
RE:       Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on,  we're calling it
our " Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
                       
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty



FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   October 3, 2008
RE:         Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign
your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.  REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty




FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   October 4, 2008
RE:        Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.  Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.  I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.  There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.  To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty




FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    October  5, 2008
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them
scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
                       
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   October  6, 2008
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.  In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan


Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!

Offline Meryl

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Re: The Company Newsletter
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2009, 11:38:34 am »
 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

That speaks volumes about what life is like today.  ;D
Ich bin ein Brokie...

Offline Sason

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Re: The Company Newsletter
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2009, 11:47:58 am »
:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

That speaks volumes about what life is like today.  ;D


That speaks volumes about discrimination against gay men with allergy to flowers.

Why don't they get a table of their own???

Are they supposed to stay home???  And sneeze in solitude???

Outrageous!!!!!    >:( >:( >:(

Düva pööp is a förce of natüre

Offline Monika

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Re: The Company Newsletter
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2009, 11:54:27 am »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Offline Front-Ranger

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Re: The Company Newsletter
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2009, 10:02:10 pm »
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


I second that! Makes one want to take off across the prairie and spend the night serenading the cows with Xmas carols!
Too much to do. . .I don't have time to get old!

Offline Ellemeno

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Re: The Company Newsletter
« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2009, 01:41:48 am »
Well, they came up with the solution probably just about everyone can agree on - getting paid without working is the best of all!

Thanks Chuck.  :)