"All I want is to feel normal."
So what's so great about normal? You know what normal gets you? It gets you started too fast into a career you won't like in 5 years. It gets you married too soon and divorced soon after. It gets you trying to fit into a place you just plain don't. And besides, the concept of normal varies so widely from place to place and social group to social group that the whole quest and desire for normality, if not pointless (because I do understand it), is frustating beyond human tolerance.
The ironic thing is, you already are normal.
I used to walk down busy streets in sunny California, looking at people hanging out with their friends on weekend afternoons in outdoor cafes and wonder why that couldn't be me. Why was I so lonely and isolated? Why do all of these beautiful people seem to know each other and have such a good time together? How does one get on the call list? And I was so focused on how lonely I was that when I actually was hanging out with friends, I didn't appreciate it. After all, it was only a matter time time before everyone went home and I'd be alone again.
As I got older I came to learn that no one's life is ideal, that many of those people I envied might not be having the good time they looked like they were having. Or perhaps that I really wouldn't care to know them. Case in point: I go to a gay gym in San Francisco. There were a number of guys I would see regularly that just looked so amazing. So naturally they were out of my league. But I kept looking. As time went on I gained some self confidence and started talking to some of them, or at least observing them more closely. And you know what? They weren't all that. They all looked great but there was a bad, negative attitude, or a voice that was a total deal breaker, or they were so low energy as to be unappealing on a personal level, or they were total flakes or... Nobody's perfect. Nobody's normal. So everyone is.
And while everyone has their faults, it's also important to note that everyone has their strengths. So maybe I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but there's no reason that, having now introduced myself and conversed with them, I couldn't do the same when I saw them again. That being said, if you feel like you want to forsake all of your relationships except for a few important ones, okay. Maybe you just haven't found your place yet. Personally, there's been no one place I've felt at home since high school. The only times I do feel at home are when I'm in the company of people I have a strong connection with. And there are precious few of those. And that's fine.
I recently returned to my old job after a 4 month absence. So many people were so happy to see me. It felt good to be appreciated. And I didn't question how deeply they liked me, like I would have in my teens or twenties. Just because you're not a huge part of someone's life doesn't mean that the part you do play, and that they play in yours, is meaningless. After all, you can only put your attention on so many things at once. And from the sound of it, you had your hands full with school.
Speaking of which, your mom's reaction to your grades could not have had anything to do with you. If "better" was the best she could come up with, she obviously has some serious stuff going on in her own head. What you accomplished was an amazing achievement. Don't let anyone take that away from you. (Says the guy who put on an outstanding, critically acclaimed cabaret show 2 years ago and was heartbroken because more people hadn't shown up. I do understand the need for outside approval and support.) Be gentle with your mom and yourself. Don't mistake lack of excitement over your grades as lack of love. I don't know your family, but I do know that we often put meaning onto certain actions and words which, in fact, don't mean what we think they did. If there's something you need, something that you define as "support" from you mother, don't be afraid to come right out and ask for it. You might be surprised at the conversation that follows. And if she's incapable of giving you the support you need, don't drive yourself nuts trying to get it from her. It's not your fault.
I also wanted to say that it's okay not to know what you want yet. You are so young! I've known what I've wanted since I was about 14 and look where it's gotten me. I only really started going for it a few years ago, and even that resolve comes in fits and starts. And I'm 37.
I totally feel for where you are right now. Please know that you are not alone. I recognize the feeling of not being understood. And I'm telling you right now, it's an illusion. I used to think of myself as so unique and so complex that no one could really "get" me. Nobody could build more finely detailed walls than me. The day I was finally able to give that up was one of the top five best days of my life. It made me more willing to give people a chance to understand me and more willing to express myself in such a way that they could. And you know what the best thing was? My walls really were very impressive. Monumental. Fascinating. If I could create something of such density and complexity I could create anything I wanted.
You've already proven yourself to be extremely powerful in turning your life around. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Trust that you are right where you need to be. And trust that we are here for you.
David, seeing your screen name on a new post always brings a smile to my face. Thanks for letting us in.
Kirk
