Katherine,
No, we're never going to convince each other. I'm not evangelical about this. My principal concern is being sure that I've explained my own position clearly, and even that, it's now clear to me, is an evolving process.
If you're a thread hog (wonderful phrase!), so am I!
Tell you what, though, I also don't think I'll ever comprehend how you can "disagree" with Diana Ossana. Granted, as even I noted, she wasn't the only one to have a hand in the creation of "Movie Ennis" as we know him, but barring comments from any of the others, it just strikes me as, I don't know--presumptuous?--to say that a creator is "wrong" about a character she helped to create. For the record, since I first read her essay, I've taken the "inability to access" comment to mean "out of touch with" or "not understanding" his own feelings, but maybe that's been clear from what I've said previously of my interpretation.
What DOES he think he's feeling?
He doesn't know, or understand, what he's feeling. That's my point. He knows the emotion is strong, of course, but, at the risk of prolonging this discussion to absurd lengths, as I'm writing this I'm suddenly thinking that another factor is that Ennis has not seen a whole lot of love in his life, certainly not of the mature, adult variety.
I've written elsewhere in other contexts that a father who forced two little boys to view a desecrated dead body could probably be considered abusive, and in the society and place in which Ennis was raised, he probably didn't see a lot of love from his father, or see his father express a lot of love for Ennis's mother, though I realize this is merely conjecture on my part. I presume he thought he was in love with Alma when he asked her to marry him, but whether he really was or not I have no firm conviction.
So I have no problem believing that Ennis doesn't really understand that what he and Jack share is love until it's too late. Is that realistic? Probably not, but it's a part of the willing suspension of disbelief I make for this story anyway.