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What irks me about the holidays
zephaniah:
I really enjoy New Year's Eve, but I don't go get drunk and kissy-face with strangers: it's all about the fireworks for me, and even standing in the snow is OK. While many people know that gunpowder was invented by the Chinese millenia ago, they don't know that it was invented specifically for use in fireworks on New Year's Eve. The ancient Chinese shot off fireworks on the last night of the year on into the beginning of the next year to confuse the evil spirits - those folks knew that those evil spirits would be so confused by the flashing lights and the noise they wouldn't be able to follow people into the New Year. So I guess that makes me a real traditionalist!
delalluvia:
Can't recall if I posted this or not, but the holiday weekend is coming up. Normally, we spend it with one relative or another. I normally don't care who, but it's OK. I only have one long afternoon to spend with relatives I like or sorta like doing nothing but eating and socializing (I rarely exchange gifts, because after I buy gifts for my friends and my sister and her child and my work friends, I'm usually broke and don't have the money for gifts for my half-brother and his wife and 4 nieces and nephews and cousins and aunts and uncles), but usually THEY can afford to give me gifts and they always treat dinner and never ask us to bring anything. So going over there, I always feel like the "poor relative", so I don't really care to.
This year, my cousins decided to start being more 'family' so they invited us for the holidays. Well, so did my brother. I was thinking OK, we spend Thanksgiving with one and Xmas with another.
Nope, my sister accepted all invitations - for both of us - and now my weekend is all but taken up with visits to relatives. That is not how I wanted to spend my long weekend.
Tonight when my sister called, I let her know I was only going to one relatives. She started instantly to get upset and I retorted, "What's wrong with that? So what if you're the only one to go? Nobody is making you..."
She was like "Fine, spend Xmas alone."
My sister has no hobbies. She socializes. That's her hobby.
So rather than feel guilty like she wants me to, hopefully she'll get the point that she shouldn't make plans for both of us without asking me first...but I doubt it. I think I'm just sick and tired of my decisions always being perceived as wrong or that my actions will make the difference for someone else's enjoyment and therefore I'm responsible if I don't make the effort to please someone else.
And it's not and I'm not. I'm not the "life of the party". I am not particularly close to my relatives. There is no reason in the world when I make my decision my sister couldn't just say "Oh, OK." instead of getting all over me like she did,
"So I get to go alone again?"
Like that's some sort of awful thing and totally my fault she has to go through it or something. >:(
Front-Ranger:
Della, if your sister accepts invitations for you without your permission, you are not obligated to go. Contact the hosts directly and explain your decision. Then talk to your sister and emphasize that you are not her companion or escort. Tell her what engagements you are prepared to keep for the weekend and draw the line at that. After all, the Dalai Lama has said, for a better life, spend some of each day in solitude. Many people, myself included, need that for optimal mental health.
For a handful of years, my husband decided that our family should travel to another town on Thanksgiving to be with his brother's family. It was always a big production and I wasn't welcome to bring anything or help. Finally, I decided I would stay home. I cooked a full Thanksgiving dinner last year and my mother and I sat down together to eat it. It was delicious!!
This year I had a full table with a variety of friends and family. I felt truly fulfilled! We will see the brother's family on New Years Eve, so everything seems well balanced.
serious crayons:
Many of us -- and not to be sexist but I think most of us are women -- tend to feel that other people's preferences are more important than our own. I fall into this trap myself, especially with my kids. (Obviously I have some extra obligations regarding children/dependents, but that shouldn't mean their preferences ALWAYS trump mine.)
But here's my advice:
Remind yourself that it's your holiday, too, and that your preferences are just as important to you as other people's are to them, and just as worth following. Observe that your choice upsets your sister, but don't take responsibility for her objections. Remember that she has to make her own choices, too. Then move on.
Jeff Wrangler:
--- Quote from: serious crayons on December 22, 2011, 12:41:56 pm ---Many of us -- and not to be sexist but I think most of us are women -- tend to feel that other people's preferences are more important than our own.
--- End quote ---
That reminds me of how, as an "only child," I had it constantly drilled into me that "you can't always have your way." I think the intent of that drilling was admirable, and this isn't exactly the same thing, but I think the end point is similar: You are made to feel like you're a bad person if you don't always put other people's preferences ahead of your own.
Or, at least, you are made to feel like you're a bad person if you allow them to make you feel that way.
At the holidays, this sometimes takes the form of "you have to have a present for so-and-so because he/she has a present for you." Even this year, I got that from my dad. :-\
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