I have read the term "coming out" lately, when referring to ourselves individually as beng a Brokie, and I thought it would make an interesting thread to hear how and when we came out of our Brokie "closet". Of course, we have always been "outed" here on Bettermost, but for some of us, we kept our "brokieness" hidden from our family and friends in real life, preferring to keep silent about how many times we had seen the movie, or how many hours we spend in here at Bettermost, or even just how many times we stay silent when we would really like to discuss something about BBM.
I know, for me, when I first saw the movie, I could not shut up about it, trying to tell people to go and see it, expecting that everyone who saw it, was going to feel exactly like I did. Instead I found that most people around me, were not real intersted in going to see a "gay cowboy" movie, and yet they still had an opinion of a movie that they had not even seen. I found I was getting into arguments about gayness, about movies, about how "crazy" I was that I had seen a movie so many times. I saw how people shied away from me sometimes, if I mentioned BBM, shook their head as if to say, "I cant wait until she gets over this thing".
So eventually, I kept my Brokieness, silent.....I still spent many hours in the forums but kept it all to myself, sometimes I even felt like I was "sneaking" in here, looking around me, hoping no one would see what was on my computer screen. But every now and again, I would subtly do or say something, just to let people know, that it was still in my system. I framed the BBM poster and hung it on the wall in my computer room, thinking "be damned with it, if people want to make comment, let them"....I even copied some of Milli's fan-art pics of Jack and Ennis and stuck them on the drawers of my filing cabinet...that room, with my computer and my pics, became my little shrine and after a while, my family and friends got used to it. They didn't say much, but they quietly accepted me, and allowed me some "dignity" over my obsession.
And so it continued over the last couple of years, me watching the dvd, silently.....comng into Bettermost, and discussing every word, scene and expression in the movie.....and in real life, occassionally discussing something that connected me with BBM. I could come in here, and be Brokie....talk Brokie, act Brokie, love Brokie......
Then......that terrible day in January, when I awoke to the news that Heath was gone.....when my stomach felt like it was going to come up through my throat, when I felt that agony of un-acceptance, bewilderment, sadness, anger, frustration....I sat staring at the TV screen, as the news rambled on, not knowing how I was expected to react, or how I could express how I was feeling......
.....and then......my husband came to me, and put his arms around me, and held me, and without even saying the words, he was showing me, that it was OK to let go, and let the tears and the emotions flow.....
and then.......the phone calls....my sons rang me, just to say...."Are you ok, mum?".......
and then.....the emails and more phone calls from my friends......"I was thinking of you, Sue, when I heard the news"...
I knew then.....as I do now......that I had not realized that I had not been keeping my "brokieness" a secret, everyone knew, and everyone had accepted it, long before January..........I guess, it just took that tragedy, for everyone to let me know.....
Yes......MY NAME IS SUE......I AM A BROKIE......AND I AM DAM PROUD OF IT......