Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
Parents and children
jpwagoneer1964:
--- Quote from: latjoreme on August 24, 2006, 02:12:33 pm ---Mark, I know the conversation had moved on, and Chrissi already made a response to this that I wholly agree with, but I could not resist adding my own opinion here. I have written extensively about parenting issues, including the value of parents staying home vs. daycare. In fact, the most reliable studies show only very minor differences between kids in daycare programs vs. kids with an at-home parent. Furthermore, to the extent that there are small differences between kids that correlate with their care arrangements, it can't be determined whether they demonstrate a cause-and-effect relationship. As with so many questions surrounding parenting, people tend to confuse correlation with causation. In fact, the correlation could indicate 1) causation in the other direction (kids placed in daycare BECAUSE they are hard to handle) 2) the result of some third factor (families in which one parent stays home by choice are often more affluent; affluence is associated with better grades and lower drug use) 3) unrelated and coincidental.
--- End quote ---
I stand with my original statement. When children are small the most valuable thing to be given to then is your (parents) time. They don't care about how fancy a car they ride in, etc. I think its tragic to send young children to day car from 9-6.
nakymaton:
--- Quote from: jpwagoneer1964 on August 24, 2006, 02:20:47 pm ---I stand with my original statement. When children are small the most valuable thing to be given to then is your (parents) time. They don't care about how fancy a car they ride in, etc. I think its tragic to send young children to day car from 9-6.
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There are so many assumptions behind this that I can't even begin to address them.
I guess the one thing that I do want to point out is that gut feelings and "studies show..." statements about what's best for children have been used against gays and lesbians, over and over. Used to deny same-sex couples the right to marry, used to deny gay men and women the right to adopt children or care for foster children or visit their own biological children. And I think in both cases, it's worth looking at the studies to see what they really say (or what hidden biases they contain), and questioning whether the general assumptions that we make about what's best for children really are true.
I think that Ennis and Jack were great dads. They should never have been husbands, but they seem to be wonderful fathers.
Kids need love. But they don't need to get it from a traditional heterosexual family, with a working father and a stay-at-home mother. They can be raised well (or raised poorly) by grandparents, adoptive parents, gay couples, nannies, daycare, stay-at-home parents...
ednbarby:
--- Quote from: nakymaton on August 24, 2006, 02:35:18 pm ---Kids need love. But they don't need to get it from a traditional heterosexual family, with a working father and a stay-at-home mother. They can be raised well (or raised poorly) by grandparents, adoptive parents, gay couples, nannies, daycare, stay-at-home parents...
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I think you hit the nail on the head, here. I think that the reason so many kids and young adults are so disconnected from their parents today is not because their parents stuck them in day care, but because their parents didn't pay attention to them when they were with them. Now that I'm a parent of a four-year-old, I've seen a lot of different parenting styles. I've seen parents who stay home with their kids and systematically ignore them all day long, then wonder why they "act out" so much. I've seen parents who put their kids in day care so that they can afford, eventually, to put them through private school (down here, the public schools are really lacking compared with those in most other states) and college, who spend quality time with them when they're together and the kids are some of the most well-adjusted, mature kids their age I've ever seen. I've seen parents who are divorced and who both systematically ignore the kids one way or another (and big surprise - the poor kids are brats), and I've seen parents who are divorced who both give their all to their kids when they're with them, and again, the kids are well-adjusted and mature for their age.
Like you said, naky, children just need love. Unconditional, constant love. That doesn't mean dote on them or spoil them - it just means PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. As long as at least one parent and/or care-giver is doing that as much as humanly possible, they're going to be just fine.
Oh, and by the way, I think Ennis and Jack were both good parents - because when they were with their kids, they paid attention to them (well, except for that one time after Ennis and Alma fought - that's understandable). That's more than I can say for mine at various and sundry times. And that explains a lot, come to think of it...
(Edited for intolerable (by me) grammatical errors)
delalluvia:
--- Quote from: jpwagoneer1964 on August 24, 2006, 02:20:47 pm ---I stand with my original statement. When children are small the most valuable thing to be given to then is your (parents) time. They don't care about how fancy a car they ride in, etc. I think its tragic to send young children to day car from 9-6.
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Sorry, I'm with Kat and Chrissi on this as well. If you believe that stay at home parents do better by their children then by all means. But unfortunately, studies do not support your opinion.
A friend of mine and her siblings were raised by her stay at home mom, while her doctor father worked. Her mother spent most of her time stoned on valium and martinins. I think my friend might have preferred a daycare.
jpwagoneer1964:
--- Quote from: delalluvia on August 25, 2006, 12:57:18 am ---Sorry, I'm with Kat and Chrissi on this as well. If you believe that stay at home parents do better by their children then by all means. But unfortunately, studies do not support your opinion.
A friend of mine and her siblings were raised by her stay at home mom, while her doctor father worked. Her mother spent most of her time stoned on valium and martinins. I think my friend might have preferred a daycare.
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Of course she would wth an addictive mother.
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