Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
Parents and children
delalluvia:
--- Quote from: jpwagoneer1964 on August 25, 2006, 01:04:37 am ---Of course she would wth an addictive mother.
--- End quote ---
So needless to say, staying at home with the kids isn't the important part.
jpwagoneer1964:
--- Quote from: delalluvia on August 25, 2006, 01:09:42 am ---So needless to say, staying at home with the kids isn't the important part.
--- End quote ---
It is if the parent are matures and ready to take on raising children. Child who know they come first before careers, status, will have a much higher self esteem. When dumped of at day care or left to a nanny they cam't help but feel unimportant.
serious crayons:
--- Quote from: jpwagoneer1964 on August 25, 2006, 01:20:32 am ---It is if the parent are matures and ready to take on raising children. Child who know they come first before careers, status, will have a much higher self esteem. When dumped of at day care or left to a nanny they cam't help but feel unimportant.
--- End quote ---
It's quite possible to help kids feel important even if they attend a daycare program based on how you interact when you get home (for the record, my own kids never attended daycare more than 15 to 20 hours a week, but I am a strong believer that many caregiving arrangements are just fine).
In any case, kids are surprisingly resillient, and many of the differences between small children are a result of how they're hardwired. The reason studies don't support your self-esteem contention (there is no reliable study that I know of correlating self-esteem levels with caregiver arrangements) is that it's perfectly possible for kids in daycare to have high self esteem and kids with at-home parents to have low self-esteem. For that matter, I'm sure there are even some kids with at-home moms who pop valiums and drink martinis all day who have high self-esteem (the kids, I mean; not necessarily the moms), and some kids whose moms and dads sit on the floor playing Candyland with them all day who have low self-esteem.
One prominent developmental psychologist put it this way (going from memory): "Don't lock your kid in a closet, don't hit him with a frying pan, and he should turn out OK." Or something to that effect. The point being, kids who are raised in reasonably normal and healthy environments by loving, caring, conscientious parents will be just fine. Or they won't. But the difference won't be a matter of whether they were placed in daycare programs or not.
Momof2:
I came from a really screwed up family. Department of Human Services would have probably removed us if they did that kind of thing back then. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. My oldest sister died and my little brother is an alcoholic. My other sister has her share of problems, but for the most part is ok. I think I turned out rather well. It made me a stronger person. I did have a lot of self esteem issues while younger. I graduated from college in the top of my class, I have a wonderful job. I am married to an unbelievable man and have to 2 children that other than being spoiled are doing fine. I do think alot of it is how you are raised but alot of it is inside of you. I am very assertive and strong willed. My daughter is just like me.
On the other hand, my best friend in high school was the daughter of a Baptist preacher. Her and her 7 brothers and sisters were wild. Drugs, sex whatever. She has been married two times and had 2 abortions while in high school. Her mother stayed at home with them and her father worked for God. I mean if they were screwed up it just goes to show it really does not matter if you go to daycare or stay home. Any one can be screwed up. My kids went to daycare until they started school and I think it was a wonderful experience for them. Neither one wanted to go home when I got there and they were further ahead in Kindergarten than most of their classmates.
ednbarby:
I agree, Momof2.
I don't think it's all black or white, stay at home or day care, breast feed or formula feed, spank or not spank. I don't think one is all right and one is all wrong. As a parent, you have to do what's best for you and your child. I stayed at home for the first three years of my son's life. I started going back to work part-time when he started going to preschool. That was a perfect blend - the best of both worlds - Nirvana. But of course all good things must come to an end - the company offered me a full-time position. I knew they were going to be phasing out contracting work eventually, and I love the company and the job. So after talking it over with my husband (who was all for it, by the way) and giving it a good deal of thought, I took it. I'm fortunate enough not to truly need a second income to make ends meet. We wanted to have extra money not to buy nicer cars and go on nicer vacations (our cars were bought used and are fully paid-for, and we'll drive them until they die, and we haven't been on a real vacation together in years), but so we could pay for private school if needed and a good college for our son. People, all women, have actually said to me "Why are you going back to work when you don't have to?" My answer is "Actually, I do have to. There are other reasons for needing to work that aren't entirely financial."
My son is 4 1/2 and goes to preschool from 9 to 5 five days a week. When my husband's home from trips, he picks him up at 3:00 (at the end of the actual school day) and spends the afternoons with him. On weekends, we spend every waking moment with him. We rarely get sitters and go out because we'd rather stay home and spend more time with him in the evenings. Isn't it better to have parents who are happy to be with you when they're with you and who pay attention to you and enjoy you than ones who are with you all day every day and up to their ears in you and always looking for ways to avoid dealing with you any more than they have to? Of course there are stay at home parents who give their kids as much quality time as possible. But I'm just saying it's possible to do that when you're not always with them, too. And sometimes it's better that way for everyone. And please don't say, "Well, if you didn't want to be with your kid 24/7, you shouldn't have had one." That's crap. I don't care who you are - NO ONE wants to be with ANYONE 24/7. Not day in, day out, year in, year out. If you do, I think you need to start looking at whether you're a tremendous parent or co-dependent.
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