Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
Parents and children
nakymaton:
I've called guys on the "careers shouldn't come first" thing. (One of them was essentially proposing to me at the time.) When I asked if they would stay home with kids, they had all kinds of excuses, but the answer was always no. (And the guy who was proposing didn't even know what he wanted to do for a career, while I did. I said "no" to the marriage proposal. Best damn decision I've ever made.)
My work isn't a job. It's a calling. And if I completely quit my job, I would never be able to go back to what I do; that's the way my profession works. (Yes, that is a problem with my profession. But it's only something that can be changed from within, I think.) I negotiated a year's leave (which was very unusual; I took a big risk by even suggesting it) to stay home with my son. But his daycare is a great place -- he gets to be with other kids, coloring and painting and dancing and singing songs and dressing up in lion costumes and watching bugs and playing in a sandbox.
I refuse to feel guilty for being a mother, or for doing the work that I love. I'm glad to hear that developmental psychologists seem to agree with my own perceptions, but if they didn't... well, I would be annoyed that so few men that I have known are willing to accept their share of the guilt. (I mean, I know more straight men who love Brokeback Mountain than I know stay-at-home dads. Like, four or five times as many.)
Momof2:
(I mean, I know more straight men who love Brokeback Mountain than I know stay-at-home dads. Like, four or five times as many.)
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That is so funny. And sad. My husband is a firefighter and when we had our daughter (our 1st child) he kept her the days he was off. I was a little surprized at first. Then all the women I worked with were telling me how lucky I was that I had a good husband. I thought, No, how lucky my daughter is that she has a daddy that loves her and wants to spend time with her and care for her needs. When our son was born he did the same. He keeps them during the summer when he is off. It is wonderful for the three of them. The only drawback is that my son misses his friends and WANTS to go to school.
It is sad that a lot of men do not see it as part of their responsibilties. Then on the other hand I know men that are the "caregivers" for their children because their wives do not care to do it. It goes both ways. It does not really matter which parent or type of parent (straight, gay, step) as long as they love the child and have their best interest at heart.
One of our male friends made the comment to my husband about "babysitting" our kids. I told him, "You do not babysit your own children you idiot. It is called being a parent. I said something to his wife about it and she said that they were jealous that my husband kept our kids. I said, "He does not do it for me, he does it because he loves his kids and enjoys being a part of their lives."
ednbarby:
My husband gets that a lot. He's home about half the time (he's an airline pilot). When he's home, he pretty much takes care of our son most of the time, whether I'm working those days or not. People will call him "Mr. Mom." Lately, when someone calls him that, he says, "Mr. Dad, actually."
Momof2:
Great response.
Katie77:
After reading most of the posts on here, the one thing that stands out the most about being a good parent is giving the child plenty of attention....
My two sons are 32 and 35, and now parents themselves.....
They grew up in a stable family, we both worked, but every other waking moment was spent with our boys...
When they got to their teens, they started using drugs, marihuana, started bucking socieity, started doing things that we were not very proud of and disappointed in them for doing....
When all this began, me and my husband started to question our way of parenting...what did we do wrong, were we bad parents, didnt we do something right?????.....so as well as dealing with the problems the kids were throwing at themselves and us, we were also dealing with our guilt that we were not good parents.
After a couple of years of this, along with councelling and talking to others in the same situation, we finally said....."NO.....WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BLAME ANYMORE FOR WHAT OUR KIDS ARE DOING".....We had done our best, we had set a good example, and we had shown be example what we expected as a family unit.
Once we thought this way, we found it easier to fight the demons that were plaguing our kids, what we found that was when we were blaming ourselves, it allowed them to blame us too, for their bad behaviour.....once that stopped and we told them, "dont blame us anymore....you are responsible", it took away their excuse for not taking care of their own destiny themselves.....
No family, no matter who works or who doesnt, or who stays together or separates, or earns more money than some others...no one is immune from teens or young adults going off the rails.We are fools if we think we are........
It has taken a long time.....a long, painful, expensive, sad journey, but we have survived, and they have survived to finally lead a respectable life,to be good husbands and fathers, to have self esteem, and to be proud of themselves.
Maybe the education department should teach less of subjects that our kids will never use in their adult life, and maybe start teaching them how to be adults, partners and parents.....That is what is going to be the most important part of their future.
For all the books printed on childhood, teenagers, young adults, old adults, whats right or wrong, which way to bring them up.....really, has anyone or can anyone ever get it right.....We as parents, just have to do our best.......
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