A littel bit of introspective Ennis, from Chapter 18:
He pulled his jeans on, and buckled his belt, pressing his erection down and out of the way. “Dammit, Jack,” he whispered, a hint of sad amusement. Over the years, he had taken to calling his erection “Jack” since it was Jack that always roused him this way. He leaned back, letting himself fall back against the narrow bed once more, and looked up at the spidery cracks of the ceiling. “Well hell, here I am, just one queer in a whole bar full a queers.” He found this simple fact overwhelmingly ironic, since he had lived well most of his life thinking that he was the only queer in the county, isolated among thousands of normal folks going about their happy lives, trapped in a secret misery made greater by solitude. Suddenly surrounded by queer bartenders, queer college students, and a queer police deputy! The irony was too much for him, and he laughed, then, sitting back up and reaching for his shirt. Jack’s journal, which had slipped off his chest in his sleep, thunked onto the floor and he bent to pick it up. Then he heard a familiar rap on the door and it cracked open.
“You ok in there Ennis?” Ellery poked his head in, saw Ennis was decent and stepped inside. “If yer awake it might be a good time to come out an talk ta Pete. He isn’t makin a whole lot of sense right now.”
“Uh sure.” He slid his shirt over his arms, acutely conscious of the deputy’s eyes watching him. “Be right there.”
“Thanks.” He didn’t linger, or comment, and there was nothing about Ellery’s manner that gave him to believe that he was showing too much interest in him. Did he really mean what he said when he told him he was attractive? Dammit Ennis, do you want him to put his hands on you or leave you alone? he argued with himself. Right now, he felt a pang of regret that he had made that definite statement “Ain’t ready for that.” After that dream of Jack, his mood had shifted. Or maybe it was that unexpected offer in the car, so delicately put. “If that’s what you want. Whatever it is.” Whatever it is. He knew damn well what it was, down to the moaning and groaning. He knew what he got from Jack, and he knew he wanted more, and Jack was dead and wasn’t comin back. So what ain’t I ready for?
L