Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
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ib4mostthings:
Hi, I've posted a couple of messages having been registered since yesterday and just come across this board. So I guess this should've been my first message.
Well anyway, I'm an out 31 year old gay male, British, now living in Spain. I don't really go out on the gay scene much now. I live rurally in an area you could say is slightly comparable to Brokeback's, originally from London. So I guess you could call me a townie at heart. I've visited the USA many times in the past and stayed there for a couple of months about 6 years ago so I'm kind of tuned into American life whenever it passes me by.
Anyway Brokeback has gotten me good as they say for months now. I guess it started for me back 6 months or so ago, when I was just browsing one evening and all of a sudden Yahoo UK had a news item flash up titled "Gay Cowboy Movie Rides into Venice". I can't remember much now about why I got interested so quickly, but I do remember there was a sudden buzz on the Internet from early critics of the film that seemed almost astounding and unbelievable for a gay film, especially one about cowboys. BBM got my attention, held it and that was the start of my journey I suppose. Thereafter I couldn't get enough and I was constantly on search engines searching for any review possible and repeatedly looking at some countdown movie clock for film releases! I remember being so impatient back then. I just knew this film was gonna be special for me, and for many others too. I just had that feeling without much to go on.
Well saw the Dec 9 release date and then learned it wasn't going to be shown in the UK until early January (my only chance of seeing it in English before DVD release). But then there was a timely offer to go back to England post Christmas to see friends and family. You can imagine my distress and impatience when I then learnt my family had inadvertently bought me a plane ticket to return back to Spain on Jan 4, just 2 days before the film's UK release of Jan 6. To miss it by 2 days! Anyway thanks again to the wonders that are Yahoo news, 2 days before departing I saw that there was an exclusive release in central London at 1 cinema, 1 week before its general release. Well that was it. I was moving any mountain to get a ticket to that cinema and fit it into my holiday schedule. Well I got the ticket and the rest as they say is history. All the impatience and waiting were well worth it.
The film touched me big time, in short, I became a "brokeaholic". You couldn't ever say my life is comparable to either Jack or Ennis, but yet there are so many things and parallels about this story which are very affecting to me. To keep this succinct the main thing about BBM which I can post-analyse as being it's attraction to me is that I feel a film has finally been made about what it's like to live in the closet. Something that I did for a few short years before having the guts to tell people. Hellish years I guess you could say, which even today still form part of my own character and personality but now I believe in a positive way. I want to understand this film so much for my own personal reasons, but also I think it has a very powerful message for societies all over the world to stop people having to be in the closet. And for us all to find happiness..... My congratz to Phillip for having the foresight and determination in setting up this forum for those who need an outlet well after the buzz of this film has died down.
Aussie Chris:
Hey everyone. I think my "Legacy of BBM" post last week took a little too much out of me because it's taken me almost a week to get back and introduce myself. I guess because I like to say what I mean and mean what I say that my posts tend to take me a long time to write. But maybe it's more that I care SO MUCH about this film that anything that's easy to say seems somehow inappropriate.
Firstly, the not-so-vital statistics: my name is Chris, aged 38, hetero-friendly, and I've been living in Melbourne Australia for the last 15 years. To be honest, I found my birth-city of Adelaide a bit depressing, mainly because that's where my immediate family live. Basically, I'm "out" to anyone who cares to ask and to all of my (mostly straight) friends, but feel no need to make an issue for anyone else. Somehow my family manages to make sure that the subject never comes up, even if I try, the poor dears (bless their cotton socks)!
Anyway, I've always believed that it is important to find your own happiness in life, to think for yourself and to be suspicious of advice. I remember thinking when I was around 12 years old (yes that early), "how could it be wrong to be gay when I don't feel wrong"? Although I instinctively knew there wasn't anything wrong with me, this didn't stop me from feeling different and alone, and this continued for the next 15 years until I finally became sick and tired of being unhappy and decided to give the scene a go. And what a revelation that was, or disappointment to be precise (you know where this is going don't you). What I found was an environment that was even less accepting than my Catholic high-school was (my parents wanted me to go to a good school even though we weren't Catholic). I mean, sheesh, come on, if you're part of a minority group the last thing you need is to make it more "minor" by getting all bitchy and judgemental! Surely we should be looking after each other yes? Anyway, it was at this time that I came to the conclusion that, in general, there's something seriously wrong with just about any group that you can apply a collective noun to. Ok, focus Chris, back to the introduction.
I guess this is the point where I tie in Brokeback Mountain. Here I am, content with my conclusion that the world is never going to be much more than a big, fat disappointment, and then this film comes into my life and my world is turned upside down. Not only does it absolutely knock my socks off in a way that I never expected or even thought possible, but I find that there is an ever-growing community of Brokaholics that share in this obsession. The early days after the first viewing BBM were hard to be sure, but somehow this was the most exquisite of tortures, and I wanted more. And then the realisation came of how much I had been damaging myself, having resigned myself to the fact that I didn't deserve to be outwardly happy, and that I thought that I was ok with just being inwardly happy. Here I thought I was a Jack, when in fact I was really an Ennis, terrified of being disappointed and still living by other people's rules.
I (and I expect many others) have been living in a dream and it's time to wake up. Everything is different now. But... Well I'd like to say that I know how to end this with a mission statement for how the 'new me' thinks and acts, but the only words that come to mind is that the angry-semi-conformist described above is no more. And this brings me back to my Legacy post. I really think that it's time that the world gets over its childish need to sit in judgement of itself and the people in it. I think it's also fair to say, even for the religious types, that moral judgement was never intended to be the prerogative of any human, and any attempt to do so is a sin in itself. But fear not, this is not me getting back on my soap box, crying out and making a scene about acceptance and tolerance. No, this is about me being ok with me, and giving myself permission to let the Ennis in me (with affection) take less of a controlling interest in my life.
IdahoLonely:
Hello. My name in Chris and I live in Eastern Idaho but was born and raised in Jackson which is in West Wyoming. I found your web-site from looking for information about Brokeback Mountain. I am 27 years old and am a mechanic for a living. My only Internet is through the public free library which I spend time at because my sister needs a ride home from her job and I kick time around waiting by being on the computer. I didnt know about Brokeback Mountain until I saw it on the news. I need to say I have had these feelings before but I dont like to mind them much. I have messed around before on my girlfriend with this bud of mine when I was in school a couple times but we dont talk about it. So I was curious about Brokeback. I thought they filmed it in Wyoming and I wanted to see if I knew any of the places. You gotta understand there is no way I am seeing this in a town where people know me. No way. That means a long haul to Boise if you want to see it. I had luck in having to drive there to pick up some truck parts and stay overnite so I went to see the first evening showing in the movies. I admit I had to walk out after the second scene in the tent after the first one. I was shaking hard and was real upset by the sitaution. I got going if you know what I mean. It scared me because I knew those feelings. I almost got sick in the mensroom and had to leave. The movie manager saw me and asked if I was feeling right and I said I wasnt. He gave me a free ticket and I left. Up the road there was a diner and I stopped and got the paper and had some coffee. I had this paper in front of my face for an hour and didnt read a thing in it. I just kept looking at it like I was.
I kept on with the thought about why I was getting going by the two guys in it. Then it makes me think about what is going on with me. Me and my bud never talked about what we did we just did it and thats all. It felt good and I always used to say to him that it was fun but that is all I ever said. I still think about it. So I get the check and I reach in my pocket to get some change and the ticket the manager gave me fell on the floor. The waitress grabbed it for me and I was afraid she knew what I saw for a second, but the ticket didnt have the name of the movie on it. I have a story about that later though.
Back in my truck I decided I would go back and see the later show of the movie at 9:30. I sat way in the back but didnt need to because there were only three people in the place. This time I saw the whole movie. I was real glad the two women that were there left as soon as the credits came on because I was flatline floored. I dont know if you know how hard it is not to start crying. I was messed up. I got out of the place and back into the truck and drove around crying like a baby. It was these waves where you'd think you have it stopped and then it comes on again. I got no sleep in the motel when I got back there.
The story for me is that I think there is more to me and my bud inside of me than I thought. I said the same things to my girl that Ennis said to his wife. I was 2 timing her with him back then but she left because she said I didnt show her my feelings and it was like I didnt care. But even when I wanted to say something to her I never knew what I was supposed to. It felt better with me and my bud and we didnt have to talk about it anyway.
So now I act loner and do my own things. My bud moved to Colorado and we dont talk anymore. My folks keep bugging me to get married and my mom says I am too quiet. After seeing Ennis, I saw a lot of me and I guess so that I am too quiet. Unless I know them really good I am not a good talker. But I dont know if all of this means I am gay or am going to be alone or what? Mostly I just dont want to be alone. What I guess I am saying is that I came here to figure myself out better and I need a place to do that.
BBMGrandma:
Oh IdahoLonely....your post tore at my heart. If you check my profile....I'm a hetero little old grandma....and I can still understand your feelings. This story has kicked our butts...brought out emotions and feelings that we've been hiding SO deep within ourselves. I feel so badly that you have been hiding from yourself and from everyone else...it seems. Perhaps you ARE gay.....why not? Of course you're living in just about the MOST bigoted state in the union. It's so sad and pathethic that people just don't "get it". Perhaps your encounter with your pal was true...and loving...and caring and THAT's why you feel a hole in your heart. Perhaps you ARE Ennis...closed mouthed and aching inside. Whatever those emotions are....it's soo important to address them. I like to call it...Facing and slaying the dragon!! Perhaps I should rename it...huh? Perhaps facing and LOVING the dragon....the one that lurks inside us all.
I was physically sick too....when I saw the movie for the first time. I related to these two sweet loving 'boys' <Ennis and Jack> as a mother who wants SO badly to nurture and love these two guys. I want to wrap them in love and safety and security. I want to tell them that it's ALRIGHT!! I ACHE to hold them both in my arms....and tell them it's ALRIGHT to love another person....no matter WHO they are.
I hope the people here on this forum can help you...Idaho. Perhaps then you can walk PROUDLY into the theater and say "To HELL with the world....this is WHO I am"
There is SO much love in this world...Idaho. Hopefully this is a 'turn-around' phenomenon that we are going through right now. Perhaps the gay society will finally get their "place in the sun" huh? I DO know....that I have been receiving e-mails from TONS of older straight women like myself....who have been soo greatly effected by this story.
Bless you Idaho....and stick around here with us. ((((((IDAHO))))))
Nancy <a little old lady in California>
Denyys:
Howdy Phillip and fellow Bro's of the Mountain.
Let's see, at 55 (on March 7th) I would seem to be the "Sr. Ranch Hand" of the moment. I would like to give a tip of the ol' cowboy hat to Phillip for this wonderful BetterMost site and forum. Haviing read all the introductions up to this point I'd say there is much in the way of wisdom, compassion, support and "Grandma"therly love to be shared with all souls of<<< Idaho>>> and surrounds who've journey here from their own Brokeback Mountain roots. It's been one hell of a hike!
Now for the introduction: Sorry, I tend to be a wordsmith. Grew up in small town outside of Boston, attended
Catholic school, member of the last generation of Alter Boys who celebrated Mass in Latin. I went on to play college basketball (at six-foot-seven I wasn't given a choice). Moved out to Arizona to begin broadcasting production career, editing theatrical feature films for local television. (YES, BBM should have also received an Oscar nod for editing!). At 27 I Married a 26 year old local college sorority girl. I had it all, terrific career, loving wife, beautiful child, new house with two new cars in the garage and an impressive zip code. But as you guessed, had a huge void that went unfullfilled and unrealized for many years, until I met "Jack." He was a fellow baskeball player from the West Coast who put the moves on me, swept me off my feet, and sent me "Cookies from Home" to my office with a huge Birthday balloon! He also foreced me out of my "comfort zone" and to confront a truth, that up to then, was deeply repressed and surpressed in order to keep family. socieity and church happy. Like BBM, being Gay in the Cowboy, Catholic/Mormon conservative Southwest circa 1978, was not an approved, available or safe option. Times have changed. Yee Haw! & Thank God.
My "Jack" wouldn't quit me! Nine years into my marriage, I came out to my wife while we were watching the 1982 Gay breakthrough movie of its time, "Making Love." After a year of divorce court, the wife and I were granted "joint custody," and both went through bankrupcy in the process. The marriage had lasted 10 years, my relationship with Jack lasted 8 years and was followed by a couple of extended relationships. However, for the past 12 years I've chosen to remain single but do occassionally date. BMF Contributor "Chris" might be interested in learning that my dream is to someday retire to my vacation stomping grounds in Melbourne, Australia and lasso my next mate in the Outback. Oh perhaps I can get Heath Ledger to fix me up with someone in his hometown of Perth. Got Tent....Will Travel.
Thanks for your wonderful stories and input...I know that there are many who not only resonate with your fine words but welcome the warmth, comfort and security of the fellowship around this campfire.
DENYYS - rhymes with Ennis
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