Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
My Big Scare Today!!
IdahoLonely:
Oh jesus I almost got busted bigtime today!! I had a friend over from work who wanted to put Warcraft on my new computer. But he started by going to the website browser and I had Bettermost made as my homepage!! I really forgot about it and when he saw it I almost fainted. He goes \"what is this, isn\'t this about that fag movie\"? Oh jesus I never am a quick thinker so I was just real quiet about it and said I didnt know what it was. He didnt say nothing more about it but I was so scared. When he left I had to call Phil on the phone. I felt like Ennis when Alma cornered him in the kitchen but I couldnt go anywhere because it was my place but I wanted to I think. I just felt real trapped. Has anyone ever had this kind of thing happen?? I had no idea what to say. I am not proud that I am hiding out but then I still dont know what I am anyhow.
I have been reading the link Impish put online on Safe Haven. But it is too early for me to tell who I am. Its hard trying to know your own self you know?
iristarr:
Hey Idaho -- I know how hard it is to know yourself. I'm old enough to be your grandma and I'm still trying to figure it out. Really, I think that is just what life is, one great big long search -- and that's a good thing, maybe the most important thing you can do -- getting to know who you really are, your most true self, what you need and want. But it's a long road, so be patient with yourself. You're making giant steps right now and you can be proud of yourself for that. The world will be a better place through your efforts. If Ennis and Jack had been able to express their own true selves, none of the tragedy would have happened. Take good care of yourself, Iris
Aussie Chris:
--- Quote from: IdahoLonely on April 01, 2006, 12:06:28 am ---Oh jesus I almost got busted bigtime today!! I had a friend over from work who wanted to put Warcraft on my new computer. But he started by going to the website browser and I had Bettermost made as my homepage!! I really forgot about it and when he saw it I almost fainted. He goes \"what is this, isn\'t this about that fag movie\"? Oh jesus I never am a quick thinker so I was just real quiet about it and said I didnt know what it was. He didnt say nothing more about it but I was so scared. When he left I had to call Phil on the phone. I felt like Ennis when Alma cornered him in the kitchen but I couldnt go anywhere because it was my place but I wanted to I think. I just felt real trapped. Has anyone ever had this kind of thing happen?? I had no idea what to say. I am not proud that I am hiding out but then I still dont know what I am anyhow.
--- End quote ---
Hey Idaho, don't sweat about the "who you are" stuff. If you just focus on doing what makes you happy the answer will come to you, when you're ready. Just don't expect the answer to come to you like a light bulb over your head. ;)
As for your big scare, I know exactly how you feel - I've had a couple of scares like this myself: Accidentally writing explicit letters to personal ads with return addresses but no return name, terrified that they would be "returned to sender" when I was still living with my parents and terrified of them "finding out". Another time I had relatives help me move and they opened a packing box containing my pornography. I guess specifically asking them not to open "that box" was too much of a temptation for them.
This is probably a little too soon in your journey to see this as serendipity (a fortunate mistake), but one day you probably will. In the meantime it may be wise to think of an answer if it comes up in a conversation in the future. And if your friend's the type to exclaim "that fag movie", then he may bring it up in front of others as well. My suggestion: if that happens just brush it off and stay cool. Remember never argue, justify, or defend. If you want to say it was a mistake then just repeat that and play dumb - people always like to assume that everyone else is stupid. When that happens to me I just let them. It's a little childish, and some times it feels like I'm hiding, but it's also got me out of "trouble" a couple of times too.
Take care and best wishes, Chris.
IdahoLonely:
--- Quote from: Aussie Chris on April 01, 2006, 09:56:26 pm ---As for your big scare, I know exactly how you feel - I've had a couple of scares like this myself: Accidentally writing explicit letters to personal ads with return addresses but no return name, terrified that they would be "returned to sender" when I was still living with my parents and terrified of them "finding out". Another time I had relatives help me move and they opened a packing box containing my pornography. I guess specifically asking them not to open "that box" was too much of a temptation for them.
This is probably a little too soon in your journey to see this as serendipity (a fortunate mistake), but one day you probably will. In the meantime it may be wise to think of an answer if it comes up in a conversation in the future. And if your friend's the type to exclaim "that fag movie", then he may bring it up in front of others as well. My suggestion: if that happens just brush it off and stay cool. Remember never argue, justify, or defend. If you want to say it was a mistake then just repeat that and play dumb - people always like to assume that everyone else is stupid. When that happens to me I just let them. It's a little childish, and some times it feels like I'm hiding, but it's also got me out of "trouble" a couple of times too.
Take care and best wishes, Chris.
--- End quote ---
Well at work today nobody said anything about it. It problably never got through. Your also right that I think you are not gonna know what you are right away. I think Im better just readin stuff here and stickin with it. I figure I am here for months and years so where is the hurry. I dont even think I care bout it as much as Im sittin here Saturday nite and am all along and have nothin to do. It sucks when I watch the tv and see people going out and doin stuff and Im here alone. Im tired of wasting time at bars tho.
I need some hobies or to get drunk I dont know which yet.
JCinNYC2006:
--- Quote from: IdahoLonely on April 02, 2006, 12:27:32 am ---I need some hobies or to get drunk I dont know which yet.
--- End quote ---
I know you're probably kidding, but hobbies are much more productive over getting drunk. No one ever mentions it, but Ennis drank a whole lot in the movie, and it's just not the best way to deal with things in the long run. At least, it's been a struggle for me.
On a lighter note, what kinds of hobbies do you have? What do you do for fun?
Juan
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