Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Fan Fiction & Poetry
Gift of Exile - first fanfic
Marge_Innavera:
This is my first-ever fiction attempt so of course the first fanfic I've attempted.
Only four chapters done so far but it pretty much sets the plot and characters.
Any constructive criticism/suggestions would be welcome!
http://talkstocoyotes.livejournal.com/
MaineWriter:
Marge,
Thanks for sharing. I like your story.
Can I ask you a question? Int the most recent chapter, n the first part, in the bar, you did not space the dialog the way you did in the second part (the telephone call). Was that intentional? For me, it made it hard to follow, not sure who was doing the talking.
Just wondering...
Leslie
Marge_Innavera:
--- Quote from: MaineWriter on July 28, 2006, 08:50:49 am ---Int the most recent chapter, n the first part, in the bar, you did not space the dialog the way you did in the second part (the telephone call). Was that intentional? For me, it made it hard to follow, not sure who was doing the talking.
--- End quote ---
I'll revisit that part. The phone call was "formatted" differently partly because it was a phone call, and partly because the other character wasn't physically present and won't be in the plot for several more chapters. In the bar scene, I was trying to convey an impression of Ennis listening to various interactions going on around him.
Was there any specific part of the bar scene where who the speaker was started to get confusing? That would give me something to go on in figuring out a technique to clarify it.
MaineWriter:
This paragraph:
"Hardly remember the first time I was ever on a horse. You ever ride?" The three generations of David’s family that had been at the wedding, the suit not secondhand like Ennis’, his ability to casually fly across several states just for a cousin’s wedding; all spoke of a cavernous gap between their backgrounds; so he was irrationally surprised at the affirmative answer. "Oh yeah. Haven’t been on a horse in awhile but I rode a lot growin’ up. My best friend’s parents, they had a place north of Atlanta. Used to spend weekends up there, go up a lot in the summer." He hesitated and then gave Ennis a slow, amused smile as if anticipating the reaction. "Not the kind of saddles y’all use out here, though. I learned on an English saddle, and the way you ride with those is way different."
It took me a few reads to realize it was Ennis speaking in the first sentence.
I did like the feel of the multiple conversations going on and I thought that might be what you were trying to convey. On the other hand, I am a bit of a stickler for punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Nothing will turn me off from a story faster than finding it full of errors. (Marge, I am not saying that about yours...just speaking generally, here). I think there is a fine line between bending a rule for effect and having something come across as just plain wrong. In your case, I thought there might be some bending going on, hence my question if it was intentional.
Leslie
notBastet:
Hi Marge,
Just wanted to chime in and say that I really like your story, too. Though I know you know that already. Starting off with the wedding scene seems pretty original (at least to me), and I thought it was fun. Let's see what else? I'm a southerner and I've lived in Georgia for two years. However, I also lived in Wisconsin for four years and thus had lots of friends from Minnesota... So - I was partial to David before I even met him.
:)
I thought I might get weirded out by the metaphysical stuff you first mentioned when you described the story to me... but so far, I really like it...
Happy writings, looking forward to the next chapter.
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