"A permanent state of mourning." That's a perfect way to put it Kerry. I spent six months stuck there. Crying almost every day. My husband totally freaked out and worried, my kids thinking mommy had gone off her rocker. It was only when I started reading fanfic, and writing it, that I could slowly move to a better place with Jack and Ennis. I still have my days, believe me, but my heart doesn't hurt constantly anymore.