Our BetterMost Community > BetterMost People
On Caregiving
serious crayons:
Good suggestions, Lee.
I have no advice, A, but I have gone through a very similar situation. Mine involves a friend of 45 years, throughout most of which I considered her my best friend. We shared an apartment for a while in college. We were each other's sole maids of honor (there were no other bridesmaids) at our low-key weddings. We went to Italy together twice, once in a group and once just the two of us. We have years worth of in-jokes and other references. She lives pretty far from me (on the other end of the metro area) so I have stayed overnight at her house many times to avoid driving home late.
This woman is prone to suddenly and unilaterally cutting off old friends for a few years. She grew up next to twin sisters who are also in our high-school social circle, and she went for a few years hating one, and then got over that and hated the other, without ever having talked to either of them about her anger but apparently eventually getting over it.
A couple of years ago she became distant to me in much the way your friend has been, A. Finally I asked about it in an email. "Is everything OK?" She replied with a lie, saying nowadays she preferred to just stay home and do crafts rather than socialize. "I've changed ... I hope you can accept this." She allowed that we could have lunch occasionally "as weather permits." It was June.
Finally that fall she confessed that she'd been mad at me ever since the last time I'd stayed over a year earlier. Apparently we'd argued, and she said I was so harsh and condescending she was afraid to say anything. I remember pretty much every detail of that night -- I'd even know how to play fantasy football now if I'd been able to follow her husband's explanation at the time -- but somehow I don't remember any argument. She said it was about -- get this -- nature vs. nurture.
I was really surprised we'd argued at all. I do argue with some friends, but with her I basically agree on most things and haven't harbored any great ill will about anything. That last time I stayed over, we hung around her house until almost noon the next day and everything was perfectly pleasant. But once she told me about the big nature vs. nurture argument I realized that was the last time we'd hung out.
I told her I do have strong opinions on that subject but if I argued with her about them I would also argue with 99% of the population because most people don't share my views (for a sample, see my long comment on a video Clarissa posted on FB just yesterday). So it's possible I did come on too strong. But meanwhile I was hurt and angry that she'd never said anything at the time (so I could apologize) or since. And that even when I asked her outright she lied.
I just let it go and we moved past it and restored our basic friendship, possibly with a little more distance. Then early this year she sent out a group email telling me and our mutual friends that she had quit drinking and joined AA.
So, fine! My ex-husband is also in AA and I see him all the time, so it's not a huge social barrier as far as I'm concerned. Nor did it seem to be for my friend. She rarely attended parties hosted by our mutual friends because she doesn't like driving that far at night. But she did attend a few early gatherings and just didn't drink. She seemed healthy and happy, so I was glad for her. We IMed on FB fairly often, always in a very friendly way. She suggested we have lunch soon.
Until a couple of weeks ago I've been busy getting my house all fixed up to sell. But finally everything was done, so I suggested we finally schedule that lunch. Here's what she replied:
"I am sorry, but I am not in a strong enough emotional state to have lunch with you. Thank you for asking. ... I should explain what I mean by that. I feel bullied by you. You've publicly shamed my grammar on FB, you screamed at me at Lisa's party, and when I saw you in December, you mocked me again with that screeching mean voice. You seem to have a lot of unhappiness and anger, and you're toxic for me. I have to protect my sobriety, and the resentment and anger I feel towards you is unhealthy. I prayed about this for two hours, then went out and did hard yard work for an hour to let go of my anxiety. I think we should cut our ties."
i was flabbergasted. I don't remember even being angry at her for anything, let alone screaming or screeching. I asked what I'd screamed at her about, what I'd mocked her for, etc., but got no reply. She's right that I do have some unhappiness and anger but they're more about my job, finances and things like that -- I've never felt any ill will toward her. So it was completely baffling. But all I got back wss radio silence.
I contacted a mutual friend who'd been at the December event to ask if she remembered me mocking anyone in my screeching mean voice. She vehemently assured me that I hadn't. We discussed reasons our friend might have acted that way toward me. We came up with a few possibilities but none really adequately explained that bizarre reaction.
I looked up an IM conversation my ex-friend and I had THE DAY AFTER THE DECEMBER EVENT. It's very friendly -- we made jokes, LOLed, complimented each other, etc. It was a perfectly nice conversation! No sign of resentment about my supposed screeching.
So that's the story so far. I think this has been done before, but I'd like to see a book collecting different people's stories about the odd or terrible endings of friendships in their lives.
Sorry to go on so long when the topic was your friendship. But at least you know others in the same boat.
Sason:
I think a good idea would be to write her an e-mail, where you acknowledge all the stress she lives under, but also tell her that you worry about her and miss her.
Tell her that you want to be a support to her, but don't know how to. Don't ask her why she's become distant, hopefully she'll tell her yourself.
Ask her what would be a good way for you to support her, if she wants you to call or wait until she calls, if she wants texts or if they add to her stress, if there's anything practical you can do now that you live far away etc.
Hopefully she'll be able to tell you how to keep in touch with her without overwhelming her.
Brown Eyes:
Hey Everyone,
Thanks for all of your words of advice, and I apologize for leaving this conversation hanging for a bit.
K, as to your good friend who grew distant and perceived an argument differently than you did... I do sometimes really worry with my friend if she's just decided she doesn't want to stay in touch too much (for reasons that aren't apparent to me). Honestly, the idea of setting up a set conversation time, etc. is very appealing, but even getting her to reply to a text can be hard. Even when SHE sets us a time to talk she is sometimes mysteriously not available. Sometimes it almost feels like being "ghosted" by a friend... though it's not entirely that bad, because we do still connect sometimes.
Yesterday was her birthday and we texted back and forth, and then I called and it went to voicemail. I'm going to Pittsburgh next weekend for another friend's baby shower and this friend in question will also be there. We've made plans to go out to dinner following the baby shower. So that will be good to have a chance for a real conversation.
She knows I worry when we go through long stretches with little communication, and I pretty much know she feels guilty about it. The staying in communication issue is snowballing into its own stress on the friendship in some ways. And honestly, sometimes I get really angry feeling neglected as a friend (though I don't express that to her). I think maybe inevitably this friendship will drift away, but it's very sad to me. :-\
It will definitely be interesting to see how dinner next weekend goes.
CellarDweller:
Please keep us posted! I'm glad you have the chance to talk with her.
serious crayons:
I agree, and if nothing else the dinner could at least help clarify the situation.
It sounds possible that she's under so much stress -- the breakup, her mother living there, her dad's death, work issues -- that she just doesn't have the mental/emotional energy to focus on someone no longer living in the same city. That's sad in itself, but at least you'll feel better for having cleared up the mystery, and hearing a "it's not you, it's me" explanation from her.
If you sense that she's being evasive about why she's acting that way, you could try to gently press her on it. If it does have anything to do with you as opposed to her (though it doesn't sound to me like it does) she's not doing you any favors by not being honest. But more likely it's reasons involving her, and you could make clear that she has your support and understanding while she goes through all this.
It can be hard to keep friendships going when you're no longer living in the same city or working at the same place. You have fewer common references, you tend to focus on what's there in front of you, etc. Sometimes, though, it seems like when you get back together in person you can immediately connect the way you did before. I hope that's what happens in Pittsburgh.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version