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Strange Connections

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Lumière:
Hey Danny ..

I don't recall my BBMiversary, I know I went to see it maybe in the second or third week of January last year.  I went so many times after that, that it seems like a blur now .. lol.

Glad to hear you are resisting and surviving, one day at a time mate!  I am sure there are times when it is easy to fall to 'the temptation' but I think the important thing is to forgive yourself for it if you do, brush yourself off and keep pushing forward.  :)
You ain't alone, mate!  If you need someone to smack ya when you are getting tempted, drop me a line!  ;)

Daniel:
Today I woke up, and tried to recall the daily priorities. But they were lost to me.
I stoked the fire in my soul, certain I would find the same pains, but it was empty.
A refreshing freedom filled my mind; should I mourn for lost connections?
But with my soul empowered thus, I faced many directions.

Whatever special connection I have had with Brokeback Mountain, it seems to have gone for good. No longer are my dreams filled with the stories of what Jack and Ennis might have been and how they had lived; no longer is my heart aching to find the tragedy of the west. I look at the poster and find no response. I see the films in their boxes, and wonder at their location.

Then I remember, the long winding path of the soul that that film led me down: the spiritual reconnaissance of the self. Many things were brought before me, and I held them close for a while. I bonded securely with one so high above me that no reality could exist; as much as I tried to part with it, I also held it dear. Brokeback Mountain brought me up its side, and there defeated fear.
Its heights showed me the maze of the life I lived. Its denunciation by the public enraged my bittered voice. In anger I defended it, took its strength unto myself. I patrolled the maze around its base, exploring every corner. Some junctions of the maze were clear, but others left in shadow.

Once in my explorations, I accidentally fell out. The wide plains before me frightened me, and so I ran back in. It welcomed me, offered warmth and strength, but murmured as I slept, "The time will come and soon, for you to leave, Adept." I did not know its words then, they meant nothing to me; I never dreamed that I could leave its maze so unexpectedly.

And so it has been many, many days, that I walked the familiar routes of the maze.
I wasn't searching for a way out. I really wasn't trying.
I remembered all too well the transforming pain: the weeping, gnashing, crying.
The long avenue of pain that led me within the very heart of my self.
It was a journey I'd never taken before; I wondered at my mental health.
The fire that led me on tortured my soul with angst and with pity, with love and with hate.
But ultimately, of understanding. Of what I dare to say aloud: the Universe and all its fate.
Within that maze I came to understand the things which time forgot.
Love, Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, all things which humans sought
In ancient days, though not understanding why
Their search for these would make them cry.
Each of these principles shines with infinite light.
Understood on many layers, seen in perfect sight,
Explored again and again, the depths and the peaks
of every imaginable consequence; the days turned to weeks.
Even death now holds less mystery,
and I can embrace it unerringly,
if it should be called of me.
But even in that grand struggle of life,
there was one thing which gave me strife.
A love so bitter, it reeked of hate.
A love impossible is a darkened fate.
The directions of my life were blank
When I reached too high above my rank
and sought to love what would not love back.
I knew it was so, my heart gave me no slack.
I wonder now what darkness pricked it to cling
Upon the image of an angelic being
and darkened my purpose to idolatry:
The love of something which cannot be.

This morning I awoke, and learned of something new.
I had left the maze some time ago,
but wondered why I did not know.
The monuments had followed me.
Love, Truth, Wisdom, Beauty.
Their purpose ever clear.
No longer tied to Brokeback Mountain,
though through that film made dear.
They were tied to me, and still are.
Wherever I may go, I look around.
And there they are, safe and sound.
I now know what words the maze whispered,
when I in its arms slept.
"The trials of darkness and light in this film,
are what make a man Adept."

The possibilities around me are endless.
Every direction made free.
I still do not know what power, timeless,
removed the burdens of the heart from me.
It was in that film, it was in that devotion. It was in that spiritual path.
Renewed with human vigor, I look around and laugh.
Anything is possible when I interweave
mental devotion and possibility.

Why did I not see this before?
What shadow blocked that light?
Was there some inner spiritual war,
Or some emptiness of darkened plight?
I departed my world, hoping to find peace
in a world in which I knew it not.
No other film has brought me the keys
to myself, which is where it was sought.

Daniel:
The other night, I rewatched one of the classic films which helped me to come to terms with much of my inner self, Get Real. A poorly reviewed film for the most part, but I think it was well written, though the film is greatly disruptive in places because it does not seem to flow as a film should, and feels like it is trying too hard to capture a few moments of life that are just not very realistic.  I think this disruption is either caused by the acting (which considering that the actors are British whom have always seemed to master that art, is a little unusual) or by the direction, which seems far more plausible.  Well there's a complicated sentence for you.... where's an editor when you need one?

There are a few moments in the film, however, when Stephen Carter's character takes on a facial or bodily expression that I am all too familiar with, or was when I was 19 and saw the film for the first time.  I am deeply grateful for this film for the words which were poignantly relevant in my life at the time, even if the lines were poorly read. It was one of the first films I ever saw which actually associated acceptance of homosexuality with the suburban reality that I was all too familiar with.  Of course, it was not downright acceptance... but devillainized the homosexual and relegated him or her to the state of a "victim of circumstance". This is a major step in social realities, and for personal ones as well.

In Sex and the Sacred, Hellminiak reveals that often the homosexual goes through phases of self acceptance. At the discovery of his or her own homosexuality, there is often a tendency to villainize the self, to believe or perceive the self as evil or unnatural and a blight to human existance. This is particularly true in areas controlled by the hyperconservatives: suburban and rural areas for the most part, and as you may have guessed, my own situation.

It is during this fragile period of self denial that suicide attempts are common, not as a means to gaining attention (as many psychologists theorize about the action of suicide attempts) but out of genuine self hatred. In some extreme cases, there is even a belief of demonic possession as the root cause for homosexual thoughts or behaviors. These factors of self denial and self hatred have been propagated by some religious institutions and have instigated religion-based "change programs".

Those who can survive this long darkness enter into a second phase of self acceptance. No longer a human fiend possessed by the most immoral of evils, the homosexual becomes a victim of biological circumstance. This separates the homosexual from the homosexuality. It becomes more of a disease or genetic condition: a person with homosexuality. The "change programs" established for this period of self acceptance are fueled by some antiquated theories of human psychology and biology, inspiring alteration not as a necessity of spiritual cleansing, but instead a psychological training of the mind to resist the flawed temptations of the flesh. Aversion therapy is the most common.

Finally, if the self is not broken during either of the previous phases of self acceptance, then can emerge the more spiritually focused understanding that homosexuality is part of the self and is an identity aspect that can be embraced and supported along with a more integrated perspective of the whole. Those who have reached this level of self-acceptance often work to help others reach it as well, and aid global acceptance by interweaving self acceptance with the world's spiritual teachings.

Daniel:
My book of poetry Mystic Madness in the Night I think is now complete, though it only bears 89 pages of poetry, and I was hoping to reach at least 100... I previously miscounted and thought I needed only a few more to make a hundred, but after finishing those by raking the coals of inner fire, I found that it was not enough.

Daniel:
Be Written for and performed by Gregorian

On a painted Sky
where the Clouds are hung
for the poet's eye
you may find him
if you may find him.
There
on a distant shore
by the wings of dreams
through an open door
you may know him
if you may.

Be
as a page that aches for a word
which speaks on a theme
that is timeless
and the one god will make for your day.
Sing
as a song in search of a voice
that is silent
and the sun god will make for your way.

And we dance
to a whispered voice
overheard by the soul
undertook by the heart
and you may know it
if you may know it.
While the sand
would become the stone
which begat the spark
turned to living bone.
Holy, Holy
Sanctus, Sanctus

Be
as a page that aches for a word
which speaks on a theme
that is timeless
and the one god will make for your day.
Sing
as a song in search of a voice
that is silent
and the sun god will make for your way.

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