Our BetterMost Community > Chez Tremblay
Home for the Holidays (david requests tremblayan group therapy)
Kelda:
David..
I cannot be so eloquent as those gone before but I just had to say hello....and hang in there.
People care about you more than you shall ever know. And we are so thrilled you have done so well.
Some people fall into their life with ease ... others take a bit of time to get settled.
It doesn't mean the clothes don't fit or you will never be happy. It just means you are a complicated spirit - not a bad thing in my book or - if I can make such a bold statment - anyone on Bettermost's book.
(((HUGS))))
ednbarby:
Way to go on the A's, David!
I think Elle has a good point - your Mom may be depressed herself and that's the most enthusiasm she can muster. My heart hurts for you. Clinical depression runs in my family, too. My mother and one of my brothers have spent much of their lives self-medicating theirs with alcohol. Mine came on in the form of post-partum depression four days after my son was born. Thank goodness a sharp doctor noticed it right away and got me the help I needed. When you're experiencing it, as you well know, you are not yourself. You're not capable of saying, "My goodness. I'm having irrational, overwhelming thoughts of failure and guilt and can't think straight. I need help." You just feel like that's your life, now.
And the holidays - good God. They're enough to drive even the most mentally-healthy person on the planet into a depression. We see all those Hallmark and Norman Rockwell moments depicted on TV, in the movies, in magazines making us feel like our imperfect or downright dysfunctional families are somehow abnormal - like we're the only ones who just wish this time of year would hurry up and be over with, already. I haven't talked to anyone my age (41) this week who is actually excited about seeing and/or spending a lot of time with all of their family members. There may be this one or that one they look forward to seeing, but everyone has at least family member they can barely stand.
Chin up, darlin'. I think your friends are your true family. And I know it's hard when people you thought were your friends let you down. When that happens, I just appreciate those who haven't that much more. Surround yourself with the people who do support you. Don't isolate yourself. If your friends are nowhere to be found, maybe go out to a lively, fun area and just enjoy being around other people who are celebrating. Maybe it's just the closet extrovert in me, but I find that when I feel the most down (and right around this time of year is when I usually do), the best medicine is to just get out there and listen to and watch people talk and laugh. And if all else fails, you know you can always find friends here.
Front-Ranger:
Hey, David! Thanks for coming back, I missed you! You're my fellow Aguirre and I could never live up to your portrayal of him. Don't be in a hurry to graduate from college! It's a jungle out there! Stay in school as long as you can!! And take a break from the holidays whenever you feel it overwhelming you. We love you, David!! :)
kirkmusic:
"All I want is to feel normal."
So what's so great about normal? You know what normal gets you? It gets you started too fast into a career you won't like in 5 years. It gets you married too soon and divorced soon after. It gets you trying to fit into a place you just plain don't. And besides, the concept of normal varies so widely from place to place and social group to social group that the whole quest and desire for normality, if not pointless (because I do understand it), is frustating beyond human tolerance.
The ironic thing is, you already are normal.
I used to walk down busy streets in sunny California, looking at people hanging out with their friends on weekend afternoons in outdoor cafes and wonder why that couldn't be me. Why was I so lonely and isolated? Why do all of these beautiful people seem to know each other and have such a good time together? How does one get on the call list? And I was so focused on how lonely I was that when I actually was hanging out with friends, I didn't appreciate it. After all, it was only a matter time time before everyone went home and I'd be alone again.
As I got older I came to learn that no one's life is ideal, that many of those people I envied might not be having the good time they looked like they were having. Or perhaps that I really wouldn't care to know them. Case in point: I go to a gay gym in San Francisco. There were a number of guys I would see regularly that just looked so amazing. So naturally they were out of my league. But I kept looking. As time went on I gained some self confidence and started talking to some of them, or at least observing them more closely. And you know what? They weren't all that. They all looked great but there was a bad, negative attitude, or a voice that was a total deal breaker, or they were so low energy as to be unappealing on a personal level, or they were total flakes or... Nobody's perfect. Nobody's normal. So everyone is.
And while everyone has their faults, it's also important to note that everyone has their strengths. So maybe I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but there's no reason that, having now introduced myself and conversed with them, I couldn't do the same when I saw them again. That being said, if you feel like you want to forsake all of your relationships except for a few important ones, okay. Maybe you just haven't found your place yet. Personally, there's been no one place I've felt at home since high school. The only times I do feel at home are when I'm in the company of people I have a strong connection with. And there are precious few of those. And that's fine.
I recently returned to my old job after a 4 month absence. So many people were so happy to see me. It felt good to be appreciated. And I didn't question how deeply they liked me, like I would have in my teens or twenties. Just because you're not a huge part of someone's life doesn't mean that the part you do play, and that they play in yours, is meaningless. After all, you can only put your attention on so many things at once. And from the sound of it, you had your hands full with school.
Speaking of which, your mom's reaction to your grades could not have had anything to do with you. If "better" was the best she could come up with, she obviously has some serious stuff going on in her own head. What you accomplished was an amazing achievement. Don't let anyone take that away from you. (Says the guy who put on an outstanding, critically acclaimed cabaret show 2 years ago and was heartbroken because more people hadn't shown up. I do understand the need for outside approval and support.) Be gentle with your mom and yourself. Don't mistake lack of excitement over your grades as lack of love. I don't know your family, but I do know that we often put meaning onto certain actions and words which, in fact, don't mean what we think they did. If there's something you need, something that you define as "support" from you mother, don't be afraid to come right out and ask for it. You might be surprised at the conversation that follows. And if she's incapable of giving you the support you need, don't drive yourself nuts trying to get it from her. It's not your fault.
I also wanted to say that it's okay not to know what you want yet. You are so young! I've known what I've wanted since I was about 14 and look where it's gotten me. I only really started going for it a few years ago, and even that resolve comes in fits and starts. And I'm 37.
I totally feel for where you are right now. Please know that you are not alone. I recognize the feeling of not being understood. And I'm telling you right now, it's an illusion. I used to think of myself as so unique and so complex that no one could really "get" me. Nobody could build more finely detailed walls than me. The day I was finally able to give that up was one of the top five best days of my life. It made me more willing to give people a chance to understand me and more willing to express myself in such a way that they could. And you know what the best thing was? My walls really were very impressive. Monumental. Fascinating. If I could create something of such density and complexity I could create anything I wanted.
You've already proven yourself to be extremely powerful in turning your life around. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Trust that you are right where you need to be. And trust that we are here for you.
David, seeing your screen name on a new post always brings a smile to my face. Thanks for letting us in.
Kirk
Kelda:
--- Quote from: kirkmusic on December 22, 2006, 06:29:04 am ---"All I want is to feel normal."
So what's so great about normal? You know what normal gets you? It gets you started too fast into a career you won't like in 5 years. It gets you married too soon and divorced soon after. It gets you trying to fit into a place you just plain don't. And besides, the concept of normal varies so widely from place to place and social group to social group that the whole quest and desire for normality, if not pointless (because I do understand it), is frustating beyond human tolerance.
The ironic thing is, you already are normal.
I used to walk down busy streets in sunny California, looking at people hanging out with their friends on weekend afternoons in outdoor cafes and wonder why that couldn't be me. Why was I so lonely and isolated? Why do all of these beautiful people seem to know each other and have such a good time together? How does one get on the call list? And I was so focused on how lonely I was that when I actually was hanging out with friends, I didn't appreciate it. After all, it was only a matter time time before everyone went home and I'd be alone again.
As I got older I came to learn that no one's life is ideal, that many of those people I envied might not be having the good time they looked like they were having. Or perhaps that I really wouldn't care to know them. Case in point: I go to a gay gym in San Francisco. There were a number of guys I would see regularly that just looked so amazing. So naturally they were out of my league. But I kept looking. As time went on I gained some self confidence and started talking to some of them, or at least observing them more closely. And you know what? They weren't all that. They all looked great but there was a bad, negative attitude, or a voice that was a total deal breaker, or they were so low energy as to be unappealing on a personal level, or they were total flakes or... Nobody's perfect. Nobody's normal. So everyone is.
And while everyone has their faults, it's also important to note that everyone has their strengths. So maybe I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but there's no reason that, having now introduced myself and conversed with them, I couldn't do the same when I saw them again. That being said, if you feel like you want to forsake all of your relationships except for a few important ones, okay. Maybe you just haven't found your place yet. Personally, there's been no one place I've felt at home since high school. The only times I do feel at home are when I'm in the company of people I have a strong connection with. And there are precious few of those. And that's fine.
I recently returned to my old job after a 4 month absence. So many people were so happy to see me. It felt good to be appreciated. And I didn't question how deeply they liked me, like I would have in my teens or twenties. Just because you're not a huge part of someone's life doesn't mean that the part you do play, and that they play in yours, is meaningless. After all, you can only put your attention on so many things at once. And from the sound of it, you had your hands full with school.
Speaking of which, your mom's reaction to your grades could not have had anything to do with you. If "better" was the best she could come up with, she obviously has some serious stuff going on in her own head. What you accomplished was an amazing achievement. Don't let anyone take that away from you. (Says the guy who put on an outstanding, critically acclaimed cabaret show 2 years ago and was heartbroken because more people hadn't shown up. I do understand the need for outside approval and support.) Be gentle with your mom and yourself. Don't mistake lack of excitement over your grades as lack of love. I don't know your family, but I do know that we often put meaning onto certain actions and words which, in fact, don't mean what we think they did. If there's something you need, something that you define as "support" from you mother, don't be afraid to come right out and ask for it. You might be surprised at the conversation that follows. And if she's incapable of giving you the support you need, don't drive yourself nuts trying to get it from her. It's not your fault.
I also wanted to say that it's okay not to know what you want yet. You are so young! I've known what I've wanted since I was about 14 and look where it's gotten me. I only really started going for it a few years ago, and even that resolve comes in fits and starts. And I'm 37.
I totally feel for where you are right now. Please know that you are not alone. I recognize the feeling of not being understood. And I'm telling you right now, it's an illusion. I used to think of myself as so unique and so complex that no one could really "get" me. Nobody could build more finely detailed walls than me. The day I was finally able to give that up was one of the top five best days of my life. It made me more willing to give people a chance to understand me and more willing to express myself in such a way that they could. And you know what the best thing was? My walls really were very impressive. Monumental. Fascinating. If I could create something of such density and complexity I could create anything I wanted.
You've already proven yourself to be extremely powerful in turning your life around. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition. Trust that you are right where you need to be. And trust that we are here for you.
David, seeing your screen name on a new post always brings a smile to my face. Thanks for letting us in.
Kirk
--- End quote ---
wow kirk.. you made me sniffle at work. great advice.
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