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Home for the Holidays (david requests tremblayan group therapy)

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Ellemeno:
What Kirk said.


Which I nominate for inclusion in the top ten truest posts ever anywhere.

coffeecat33:
Hello David,

You and I don't know each other but we share a few things in common - chronic depression and a love of Brokeback Mountain. If I were to give you advice, it would be to print out Kirk's post and read it often.

Your mom is your mom and you will only get from her what she is capable of giving. If you have some expectations of her, you need to voice it - tell her exactly what you want in terms she'll understand. (My friend told her mom she wanted her mom to be supportive of her. Most moms don't have a clue what is meant by that, so you need to define it. If this doesn't make sense, please ask your therapist/counselor.)

Erica Jong said, "Jealousy is the fun you think other people are having." No one has their shit together any more or less than you do. It just looks different from the outside. (If you had met Jack down in Texas, who was married to pretty Lureen, what would you think of him? That he was straight & had everything he needed/wanted?)

Please don't cut anybody out or off. Just let be, let be. I became happier when I just took what people gave me. Consequently I have male and female friends, of all different ages and backgrounds. Some I exchange a few emails with, one I see pretty regularly. All different.

A few other random thoughts:

 Am I correct in assuming that you are a gay man about 21 yrs old? If you are in college, there's a chance it has a GLTB association. Join. Go to meetings. If there isn't, then contact a Gay or GLTB group in your town and go.
 Take at least one "frivolous" class just because you love the subject. I took a course about 'American Indians in Movies" and it was one of best, most fun, most eye-opening classes I ever took. All we did was watch movies then write reflective papers.
 You are looking for what people can give you like praise for your good grades. Instead of thinking that people don't give you what you want, try giving someone else what they need.
 Read what Kirk said about his complexities and the walls he created. It is TRUE about nearly every one of us. We think people can't understand us, but usually it's the case that we don't understand others.
 It is egotistical to think that others can't 'get' us. Try harder to make yourself understood. One thing I realized is that I often don't speak loud enough or clearly enough for others to hear me, so I try to keep that in mind when talking to someone.

Lastly, I would suggest that you look at your user name. TheStudDuck! What does that say about you? How does that invite people to get close to you?

Just keep on.

coffeecat33 / Leslie K.

kirkmusic:
Hey David.  My partner Nick had this to add...

I suffer with depression also and know what that is like. Finding a good therapist and taking medication for the depression at the times in my life when it’s been at it’s worst has been both very tricky and very helpful. Well worth the effort though.

I connect with your feelings of loneliness and noticed that no one else has pointed to the fact that those feelings are part of the human condition and a mark of a true artist/inspirationalist. Look at all the people throughout history who have suffered with depression and have achieved great things:
 http://www.mixednuts.net/depression-famous.html
In addition to great people throughout history:
Abraham Lincoln, Virginia Wolfe, Eugene O’Neill, John Keats, Vincent Van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Michelangelo…
We’re in good company.

With that said, being told “you’re young” really sucks. I remember that. You’re not so young but you do have many life altering experiences to look forward to. It’s up to you to create those experiences. Embrace every relationship for what it can offer you even if it only offers you superficial conversation and leaves you with a feeling of longing for more. Embrace the longing. Don’t resist it. If you don’t fight it, it can’t win and you can’t lose. Embrace the longing as part of your beauty and an expression of the richness of your soul. Let it point to the fact that you are very capable of creating long lasting, loving relationships and that you value the little things others overlook.

With that said, I encourage you to find little things that bring a smile to your face. Lots of little things amount to a great feeling of satisfaction. Example: I live in San Francisco and when it’s dark, cold and wet (which makes dealing with depression very difficult for me), I walk my dog by a jasmine bush down the block. So, there I am with my dog and it’s black outside at 5PM. I am cold and damp. Then I just stop at that bush, close my eyes and inhale the sweet fragrance of the blooms (jasmine blooms Dec-Feb here in SF). I just stand there a moment and smile. Smiling brings my mind to the things and people who are or who have been in my life, the people who really bring me happiness and fill my heart. In that moment, I am really glad to be a participant on this planet.
It works for me.

I connect with you in that I am also someone who seeks reassurance and approval from others. More directly, I feel let down when people do not give me what I need from them. I found the key is to let them know what is I need from them. That requires a lot of soul searching on my part. Once I can identify what I want/need from someone, then I can communicate that to them. Try this with your mom. Don’t put any pressure on her and don’t make her defensive but simply ask. Maybe something like, “I know this may sound needy, but I was hoping you would be more enthusiastic about my grades. Can we do a little something together to celebrate, just you and me? That would really make me happy”. I don’t know your family situation and hope that may sound reasonable to you (and her). If she does agree then while you’re out celebrating (lunch, a movie, etc.) tell her that you are proud of yourself for having turned your grades around and that you plan to continue on this track. Let her know that you value your relationship with her and ask her to encourage you to continue getting the great grades. Perhaps, “if you push me a little, I think I can continue making the changes we’ve seen recently. Will you check in with me from time to time and make sure I am not slipping?” I hope that makes her feel like she is an important influence in your life and that should give her a great sense of being loved by you.
Remember the best way to get love is to put it out there.

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