Kerry's Komedy Klub

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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first  witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her  and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you  manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across  the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was  a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is  one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very  quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to the electric chair."

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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
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*
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The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very  quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to the electric chair."

  Good One !

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Football Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren't



20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "The other night, John won the prize with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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These are genuine clips from UK council house tenant's complaint letters:

 

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

* I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and its pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes?" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

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I need a favour!!
My neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.
He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and
that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog  (scroll down for image)

 

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Sister Assumpta called together all of the nuns at St.Mary's and said:

 "Sisters, I must tell you something serious. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

 


 
Old Sister Mary leaned over to Sister Bridgit and said "Thank goodness.I was getting so tired of Chardonnay".