Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a  friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or  female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up  again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty irritated at this point, but he picks him  up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally ticked at this point, the rancher grabs the midget under his  arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should  rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[Katie77]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
> decide she'll become a hooker.
> She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
>
> "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
> If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
>
> She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
>
> "How much? She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
>
> "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says,
>
> "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,
>
> "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
>
> Harry says, "A hand job".
>
> She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty
> dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
> unzips his pants, and out pops a Simply HUGE male unit.
>
> She stares at it for a minute, and then says,
> "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says
> breathlessly,
>
> "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
>

[Katie77]

I promise....last one for the day......



SAD TALE

 A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
 hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink
 and gulps it down in one swig.   The poor little guy starts crying.

 'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't
 think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man crying.'

 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
 'I can't do anything right.'  I overslept and was late to an important
 meeting, so my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my
 car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

'I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to
my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!'.

[Kerry]

"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

  ROTFL, Sue! Absolutely ROTFL! 

[Kerry]

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.  

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down . . . . . .  





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . .





. . . . . . Look down, not scroll down, ya dork!        
 

[dot-matrix]

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.  

[dot-matrix]

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all. 

[dot-matrix]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[dot-matrix]

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"I guess it's that time of the month again!"

[pettifogger]

Sad News
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.