Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[underdown]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

The instructions at the entrance read as follows:

1.   You may visit this store only once.
2.   There are six floors, and the product increases in price as you go up.
3.   The shopper may choose a product from a particular floor, or go up to the next. It is not permitted to go back to a lower floor.
4.    Shoppers may go down only to pay for their purchase and/or exit the store.

So …. A woman goes into the Husband Store to find a husband, and follows the instructions.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:  ‘Floor 1 – These men have jobs’.
She keeps going.

On the second floor she reads:  ‘Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids’.
(sigh)

On the third floor, the sign reads:  ‘Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking’.
WOW, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going up.

She goes to the fourth floor, where the sign reads:  ‘Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are young and drop dead gorgeous, and help with housework!!!’
‘Oh heavens’ she exclaims, ‘this is too good to be true’. ‘I don’t think I can stand it’ ..  and goes to the next floor, where the sign reads:

‘Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are young and drop dead gorgeous, help with housework, and are very romantic’.
She is sooooo tempted to buy right there, but simply can’t resist, and goes to the next floor, where the sign reads:

‘Floor 6 – You are visitor number 7,456,012 to this floor.
Unfortunately, we could not find any perfect men to stock this level’.

‘Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store’.

                                                ***

[dot-matrix]

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress
comes over and asks what they will be having.

Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President,
I thought that sort of piggish behaviour went out with the
last administration."

She storms off, and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes
his head at the president and says, " George, it's pronounced
QUICHE."

[dot-matrix]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was . "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it ?"

She thought for a moment, and then asked "Is it on or off ?"

[underdown]

THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

Actual exam bonus question, University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Question:  Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, then Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.   If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”

This student received the only 'A' in the class.

[underdown]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[underdown]

Having trouble posting a .jpg pic.

??

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]