Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A man and woman were sittng beside each other in the first
class section of the aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took
out a tissue and gently wiped her nose,then she visibly
shuddered for 10 to 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later
the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming the
woman might have a cold, the man still was curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking more than before. Unable to control his curiosity
any longer, he turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help
but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK ?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical
condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a little embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it ?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper." 

[dot-matrix]

Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it ! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it
or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster ?
^

^

^

^ Answer : "bread." If you said "toast" give up now and do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go
to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk" What do cows drink ?
^

^

^

^Answer : Cows drink water, If you said "milk" don't attempt
the next question. Your brain is over- stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water" go
to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is
made of blue bricks and a pink house is made of pink bricks and
a black house is made of black bricks, what is a green house made
from ?
^

^

^

^Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," why the hell are you still reading these ? ? ?
If you said "glass" go to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at that time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors ?
^

^

^

^Answer : You don't bury survivors.
Id you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.
If you said "you don't bury survivors" proceed to nest question.

5. Without using a calculator _ You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales. In London 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine get on. In Swenson,
2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and
16 get on. In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then
arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver ?
^

^

^

^ Answer : Oh for crying out loud !!
Don't you remember your own name. It was YOU !!


PS : 95% of people fail most of the questions !!

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[pettifogger]

Tom was very annoyed with his parrot. Every time someone
visited Tom's home, the parrot would say something offensive.

Tom tried to make the parrot behave. When the parrot shouted
"fat cow, fat cow" at Tom's mother, Tom flicked cold water at
his pet.

When the parrot shouted obscene four letter words at a visiting
priest, Tom hastily covered the parrot's cage and kept the bird
in the dark for a whole day.

The final straw came when the parrot made such disgusting
comments to Tom's girlfriend that she stormed out of the house.
Tom scolded the bird, took it out of it's cage, put it ina strong
transparent plastic box with air holes, and put it in the freezer.
He told the bird, "It's time you cooled down."

Ten minutes later, Tom opened the freezer, and the parrot said,
"Sorry, sorry! I've learnt my lesson. I'll behave. But please
let me know what the chicken in here said to annoy you . . . "

[pettifogger]

One Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard . . .

Not like his mother used to make.



I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.




I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

So I turned around and smacked the s**t out of him ...

Like his mother used to do !!

[underdown]

 

Great, pettifogger.

Good to see you adding laughs.

(I've just about run out of old jokes).

  Rob