Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

[dot-matrix]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about he day you died."No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair.

I believed that each day on her lunch hour,she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex withhim. So today I was going to come home and catch them.

Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for thisguy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!

Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fellto the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands onto throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had aheart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom ofHeaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.""Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!

Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way downwhich broke my fall, so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!

"The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story."I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Verywell.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

A man was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothing about cars!"

[dot-matrix]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

[dot-matrix]

A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."
The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Really? Let me see you catch a few."
The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the centerfield fence.
The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run."
The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"

[dot-matrix]

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.

Take Care, Ricky

[David In Indy]

      

That was a good one Dottie!!   




Kerry, WHERE are you!!! Dottie is doing everything but clean the toilets around here at your club.

We miss you buddy!!! 

Let's see some more of that Australian humor (humour) you are so famous for around here! 

In the meantime, we will continue to appreciate Dottie's contributions.