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It is through our shared love of "Brokeback Mountain" that we have made our way here to BetterMost.
For me, BetterMost has become my spiritual home.
BetterMost is where the healing process began for me. After shedding many tears over our dear Jack and Ennis, the communion I found here with my fellow BetterMostians, has allowed me to progress to that place where I can now begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's still only a very faint light, and I know I have a long way yet to go, but I'm now confident I'll get there.
One of the most profoundly therapeutic, cathartic aspects of the BetterMost experience for me, has been meeting, sharing and laughing with some very, very special people. People I never knew existed before I came here. People who I now count among my friends. Friends in the true Jack Twist sense of that word.
In this spirit, I charge you to put away your Kleenex, sit firmly upon our communal whoopee cushion, and let's all have a good laugh for a change?
Here's a beginning:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CoolBarStools.jpg)
I don't have a lot of funny images stored on my PC, so this thread will be going no-where fast without your contributions. And that goes for the non-participants as well. Even if you haven't contributed elsewhere before now, please feel free to contribute your funnies at this thread.
Enjoy!
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oh my lort night a living!
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oh my lort night a living!
I MUST HAVE those bar stools!!! :o Don't ya just love 'em?!!! :laugh:
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well looks like they are gonna fit in here right nicely...
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oh my lort night a living!
Oh GOD Kerry!
She's already found it! :P
It doesn't take very long does it?
Sooner or later Milli will be wandering in here too. Get the rat traps ready. haha.
<Jess and Milli, you KNOW I love ya more than color tv!>
Great Job! And a great idea!!!
I'll be checking back here! Thanks! :)
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Welcome Jess and David. So good to see you here.
This is something you are more likely to see than me:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/roadrage.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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well I went over to the 2000 club and took a picture of David's complementary limo service for you....
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_limo_4.jpg)
sad really isn't it??
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Kerry, are those nuns sitting on whoopie cushions.... I hope, I hope! :D
The one on the left looks like Sister Marie Michael. haha.
<I'll deal with YOU later, Jess> ;)
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and as bad as the limo service is...I was APPALLED at the day care arrangements he had for his workers kids!!
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_baby_time_out.jpg)
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Who were you appalled at Jess?
ME??
tsk. tsk.
This would NEVER happen at my 200 club.
We treat our babies in style...
(http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e188/thegiftofgame/coolbaby1.jpg)
Oooops! Wait a minute... (Don't pay any attention to that)
Here...
(http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f145/mummyto7/102_2023.jpg)
Comfort, style... and SUNGLASSES!!!! :D
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You can take Jeff anywhere twice (the second time to apologise)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/jefflunc11.jpg)
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You can take Jeff anywhere twice (the second time to apologise)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/jefflunc11.jpg)
The Lion meets the Zebra.
The "prophesy" has been fulfilled. :P
I'm not about to interrupt Jeff. It looks like he is having a good time.
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It is through our shared love of "Brokeback Mountain" that we have made our way here to BetterMost.
For me, BetterMost has become my spiritual home.
BetterMost is where the healing process began for me. After shedding many tears over our dear Jack and Ennis, the communion I found here with my fellow BetterMostians, has allowed me to progress to that place where I can now begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's still only a very faint light, and I know I have a long way yet to go, but I'm now confident I'll get there.
One of the most profoundly therapeutic, cathartic aspects of the BetterMost experience for me, has been meeting, sharing and laughing with some very, very special people. People I never knew existed before I came here. People who I now count among my friends. Friends in the true Jack Twist sense of that word.
In this spirit, I charge you to put away your Kleenex, sit firmly upon our communal whoopee cushion, and let's all have a good laugh for a change?
Kerry - you joined on 20th Novemver and are quite high on posts already - perhaps you will be the new Jess!!!
re: funny pics, here is something I posted at my blog... But its funny!
If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher.....you will love this! Do you have a pair like these? I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home...
Quote from the mom:
"This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors." I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard."
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Kerry - you joined on 20th Novemver and are quite high on posts already - perhaps you will be the new Jess!!!
re: funny pics, here is something I posted at my blog... But its funny!
If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher.....you will love this! Do you have a pair like these? I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home...
Quote from the mom:
"This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors." I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard."
:laugh: Hee-hee, that is hilarious, Kelda.
Seems to me, I've seen those "scissors" somewhere before! :o
Ah, the innocence of childhood. :)
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Kerry - you joined on 20th Novemver and are quite high on posts already - perhaps you will be the new Jess!!!
re: funny pics, here is something I posted at my blog... But its funny!
If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher.....you will love this! Do you have a pair like these? I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home...
Quote from the mom:
"This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors." I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard."
I SERIOUSLY doubt I could have held it in that long!
Kids are so funny and cute sometimes! :D
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What really spooked Ennis' horse, when he came across them thar danged bears:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Bears.jpg)
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Poor Kitty! :(
He's trying so hard not to notice...
(http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c59/deanna1787/fartingkitty.jpg)
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Poor Kitty! :(
He's trying so hard not to notice...
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ain't that Jess' kitty out front? Naughty kitty! Naughty!
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ain't that Jess' kitty out front? Naughty kitty! Naughty!
It sure is!
That's Jake the kitten, and Jess fed him beans again.
(Don't strike a match Jess, or you'll blow your property to Kingdom Come)
Lord have mercy, I worry about that girl.
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(http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/7461/89def14b390d5dbb1797b5cva5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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and continuing the theme... ::)
(http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/7540/0066ir3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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and one more in that genre...a friend sent me this one for my birthday last year :D
(http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/5926/200411121537070xn7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Kerry's Komedy Klub! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: LMAO!
(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/cartoon03.jpg)
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(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/img-fun-comics13.jpg)
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Kerry's Komedy Klub! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: LMAO!
I started this thread with such noble, lofty sentiments. Let's put away our kleenex, I declared, and join together in laughter! Noble, indeed! (Kerry ponders silently what might have been, as he reaches for a kleenex)
And what's happened to my noble vision? David has turned it into a FART thread! (Kerry makes a valiant attempt to contain his disappointment and dejection, daubing his eyes in the process)
Oh woe is me! What can I do to get this thread back on the right track? To steer it away from the base, lowly "humour" it's presently wallowing in? (Kerry doesn't hold out much hope, but he's an optimist and knows that anything can only be an improvement from here - it can't get any worse)
I know, I'll post something that expresses refined, sophisticated, intellectual humour . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/moderationshits.jpg)
Oh well, my intentions were good! :-\
(P.S., Geri, what does LMAO mean?)
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(P.S., Geri, what does LMAO mean?)
Laughing My Ass Off.
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Laughing My Ass Off.
Duh! I should have known that! ::) Thank you, Kelda! ;D
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(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/WD039.jpg)
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I started this thread with such noble, lofty sentiments. Let's put away our kleenex, I declared, and join together in laughter! Noble, indeed! (Kerry ponders silently what might have been, as he reaches for a kleenex)
And what's happened to my noble vision? David has turned it into a FART thread! (Kerry makes a valiant attempt to contain his disappointment and dejection, daubing his eyes in the process)
. . .
(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/bunny20sad-1.jpg)
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I started this thread with such noble, lofty sentiments. Let's put away our kleenex, I declared, and join together in laughter! Noble, indeed! (Kerry ponders silently what might have been, as he reaches for a kleenex)
And what's happened to my noble vision? David has turned it into a FART thread! (Kerry makes a valiant attempt to contain his disappointment and dejection, daubing his eyes in the process)
Oh woe is me! What can I do to get this thread back on the right track? To steer it away from the base, lowly "humour" it's presently wallowing in? (Kerry doesn't hold out much hope, but he's an optimist and knows that anything can only be an improvement from here - it can't get any worse)
Awwww Kerry, now don't get bent out of shape, we're sorry and we'll try to do worsebetter in the future...(Dottie with tongue firmly planted in cheek and fingers crossed behind her back while typing one handed) ::)
(http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/7596/phe1094ab2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/2721/10yc9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/2721/10yc9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: Hee-hee! A face that only a mother could love! Hee-hee! :laugh:
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Hey Kerry!
Did you ever check out the BBM Lines Visualised thread? You'd love it!! ;D
There are a bunch of us 'round here who practically lived on that thread once upon a time ..
I gotta go hunt it down ..
Here it is .. :)
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,947.msg16595.html#msg16595
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Hey Kerry!
Did you ever check out the BBM Lines Visualised thread? You'd love it!! ;D
There are a bunch of us 'round here who practically lived on that thread once upon a time ..
I gotta go hunt it down ..
Here it is .. :)
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,947.msg16595.html#msg16595
Thanks for referring me to the "Lines from BBM Realised" thread, Lucise. I just popped over there for a peek at the last page and was bent over with laughter (I was getting some odd looks here at work, folks!). There are 288! pages, so I've got a ways to make-up, but am looking forward to doing so. ;D
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(http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/2721/10yc9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
UGH!!!
Let's all say it together.....
UGH!!!!!
:P :P :P :P :P :P
Yuck. I think one of your patrons just wandered in here Jess. :P
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(http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/7497/pic12993ey1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/6734/pic19801gr1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/6407/pic21113le0.jpg)
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Truth in advertising ???
(http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/3379/00008534wo7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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DO NOT FLUSH!!!!
(http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b111/WolfeMasters/Funny%20Files/Animals/file003.jpg)
(http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b111/WolfeMasters/Funny%20Files/Animals/file007.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i36/Katrinadd/Funny%20Animals/pic22039.jpg)
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Aw! So cute! :)
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There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met.
They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you recall the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it
for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that frigging fence wasn't electric." [/i][/font]
(http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/4660/3rules330tx7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
ooops sorry Kerry...no more fart humor ::)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hey, that old bloke looks familiar (says Kerry looking at his avatar to the left)
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In keeping with the cute pet pics posted by David, here's my offering . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/198_11.jpg)
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(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/cartoon05.jpg)
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(http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o225/msenewton/Funny%20Cats/bike.jpg)
(http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a144/lomis/250146halloweencat-1.jpg)
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Yikes, ya cain't go posting topless pics at my demure lil thread, Geri. :-\
Disgraceful! ;)
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(http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a144/lomis/250146halloweencat-1.jpg)
Poooor kitty. Who'd go an do that to a lil kitty's bottom? Hold on, I recognise that cat! DAVID! Is that your cat?! Did you paint your cat's bottom in purple and tangerine? Tst-tst!
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Poooor kitty. Who'd go an do that to a lil kitty's bottom? Hold on, I recognise that cat! DAVID! Is that your cat?! Did you paint your cat's bottom in purple and tangerine? Tst-tst!
Nope! That's not Oreo, Kerry! Oreo is a black and white cat. His bottom is covered in black fur and I don't think spray paint would show up on it. lol
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<cough> <cough>
<waving hands back and forth>
Shew! The dust!
First it was Kelda, and now it's you! Just LOOK at this place.
Kerry, get your cute butt in here and clean these cobwebs up!
Good Lord! ;)
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Just for Kerry.....
We miss you!
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m62/nae052188/puppy.jpg)
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/7119/whatareyounc4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/3509/harmonicajk1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/1807/sheepguyul9.jpg)
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Hey where did that Kerry get to?
Kerry! Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!
Come out! Come out! Where ever you are!
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<cough> <cough>
<waving hands back and forth>
Shew! The dust!
First it was Kelda, and now it's you! Just LOOK at this place.
Kerry, get your cute butt in here and clean these cobwebs up!
Good Lord! ;)
I'll get straight to work with my trusty feather duster, David (on the cobwebs, too!) ;)
Gad, you go away for a short, mid-week break and look what happens! ::)
I'll have a stern word with that cleaning staff of mine! >:(
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Just for Kerry.....
We miss you!
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m62/nae052188/puppy.jpg)
Oh, David, you are the sweetest man! :-* Are all Indianans as lovely as you? :)
The little puppies are so, so cute. Just look at those beautiful little faces! Can I take them home? Can I? Can I, pleeeease? ;D
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/3509/harmonicajk1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
I'm not sure if that squirrel is trying to play that tiny harmonica, Dottie, or eat it! :o
I'll have to ask our resident musician, David. He'll know what that squirrel's doing. David, can a squirrel be trained to play a harmonica? Maybe a little something by Bach or Chopin, perhaps? ???
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/7119/whatareyounc4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
That's either a very teeny-weeny lil kangaroo, Dottie, or it's one hell of a HUGE white mouse! :o Either way, it's giving me a reeeal nasty acid-flashback, just looking at it! 8) (I am a child of the 60s, y'all ;))
And I hope that mouse is just getting a piggy-back ride there! Don't want to think of what else he might be up to! :-\
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Hey where did that Kerry get to?
Kerry! Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!
Come out! Come out! Where ever you are!
I had places to go and people to meet, Geri! Goodness, my life is one continuous dizzy social whirl, flitting from one dazzling social occasion to the next! (What was that new year's resolution of yours, Kerry? Oh, yes - STOP EXAGGERATING!) ::)
I love yer lil pink 'n' lime coloured mate, Geri. Can I keep him? ;D
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I had places to go and people to meet, Geri! Goodness, my life is one continuous dizzy social whirl, flitting from one dazzling social occasion to the next! (What was that new year's resolution of yours, Kerry? Oh, yes - STOP EXAGGERATING!) ::)
I love yer lil pink 'n' lime coloured mate, Geri. Can I keep him? ;D
Bond, JAMES Bond..is gonna be jealous!! doesn't seem the type to share....
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/oslo_gay_and_lesbian_festival_bates.jpg)
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KERRY!!! KERRY!!!! KERRY!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D
KERRY IS BACK!!!
The little puppies are so, so cute. Just look at those beautiful little faces! Can I take them home? Can I? Can I, pleeeease? ;D
Of course you can keep 'em! Those pups are for you! :D
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KERRY IS BACK!!!
Of course you can keep 'em! Those pups are for you! :D
Crikey, so much for trying to slip out of town for a discrete, mid-week tryst with "Mr Right" LOL!!! I won't be trying that again! Impossible to tippy-toe away from you lot LOL!!!
I missed you all so much, how about coming with us, when next we take a mid-week break outa town? (not sure what "Mr Right" will say about that?!).
You would have liked where we stayed - a pretty little cottage in the Blue Mountains, about an hour's drive out of Sydney. I look forward to you all coming along with us next time (just don't tell "Mr Right"!!!)
Now where are those lil cutesy-pie puppies David gave me. I wanna give them some very serious heavy-duty cuddles!!!
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Crikey, so much for trying to slip out of town for a discrete, mid-week tryst with "Mr Right" LOL!!! I won't be trying that again! Impossible to tippy-toe away from you lot LOL!!!
I missed you all so much, how about coming with us, when next we take a mid-week break outa town? (not sure what "Mr Right" will say about that?!).
You would have liked where we stayed - a pretty little cottage in the Blue Mountains, about an hour's drive out of Sydney. I look forward to you all coming along with us next time (just don't tell "Mr Right"!!!)
Now where are those lil cutesy-pie puppies David gave me. I wanna give them some very serious heavy-duty cuddles!!!
Sure Kerry! The next time you decide to sliip out of Sydney, give me a call and I'll drive right over. ;)
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Crikey, so much for trying to slip out of town for a discrete, mid-week tryst with "Mr Right" LOL!!! I won't be trying that again! Impossible to tippy-toe away from you lot LOL!!!
I missed you all so much, how about coming with us, when next we take a mid-week break outa town? (not sure what "Mr Right" will say about that?!).
Sure Kerry! The next time you decide to sliip out of Sydney, give me a call and I'll drive right over. ;)
Me too, I wanna come too!
(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6229/94690531463ad845aamlm3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Me too, I wanna come too!
(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6229/94690531463ad845aamlm3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Awww! Just look at that cute dog! It looks like he's howling. It looks like he REALLY wants to go to Sydney Australia! :)
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here! I'll pop him a cold one...he'll feel better...
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_beer_opener.jpg)
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I'll drink to that but then I'll
dinkdrink to anything.
(http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/745/wtfyoulookinatxx3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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We could whip up a little snack
(http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/5451/248403otvswjg4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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here! I'll pop him a cold one...he'll feel better...
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_beer_opener.jpg)
He's cute too Jess. He looks like a miniature werewolf. :D
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Just look at all the cute puppy pictures! Let's round them up and take them to the Puppy Bowl! :D
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,7900.0.html (http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,7900.0.html)
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Sure Kerry! The next time you decide to sliip out of Sydney, give me a call and I'll drive right over. ;)
You'd better trade in that Merc of yours on an amphibious model, David, if you intend driving over to Sydney LOL! Either that, or have a propeller fitted!!! ;D
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Awww! Just look at that cute dog! It looks like he's howling. It looks like he REALLY wants to go to Sydney Australia! :)
That dog isn't howling, David. He's screaming with laughter!!! He's just so very happy to be here at BetterMost! :laugh:
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You'd better trade in that Merc of yours on an amphibious model, David, if you intend driving over to Sydney LOL! Either that, or have a propeller fitted!!! ;D
No prob! I'll replace the tires with a couple of floats, strap a jet engine on the back and I'll see ya in a couple of hours! :D
Wait a minute! I'm a gay man and I'm not mechanically inclined. Forget it. I'd sink like a stone in the Pacific for sure....and THAT'S assuming I made it out of Indianapolis.... or my neighborhood..... or my driveway. :P
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here! I'll pop him a cold one...he'll feel better...
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_beer_opener.jpg)
Make mine a double, Jess! It is the cocktail hour, is it not?! 8)
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We could whip up a little snack
(http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/5451/248403otvswjg4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Dottie they are such cute little puppies. I think they are Pomeranians. When I retire, I plan to get two Pomeranians - a black one and a ginger one - just like in your picture. I'm going to call the black one Jack and the ginger one Ennis. Looking at that picture, though, I don't think I'm going to be able to wait for retirement. I think I've fallen in love with those lil puppies. :-*
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Make mine a double, Jess! It is the cocktail hour, is it not?! 8)
well according to Alan Jackson...It's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE
so throw a steak on the grill and lets eat!
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_grill_3.jpg)
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No prob! I'll replace the tires with a couple of floats, strap a jet engine on the back and I'll see ya in a couple of hours! :D
Wait a minute! I'm a gay man and I'm not mechanically inclined. Forget it. I'd sink like a stone in the Pacific for sure....and THAT'S assuming I made it out of Indianapolis.... or my neighborhood..... or my driveway. :P
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Some things are universal!!!! ;D
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Cody: "well SOMEONE has to be the macho one around here!"
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_hunting_dog.jpg)
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well according to Alan Jackson...It's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE
so throw a steak on the grill and lets eat!
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_grill_3.jpg)
Show me that picture of your bar-b-que unit one more time, Jess, and I won't have to take my appetite suppresent pill! :o I'll pass on dinner, thanks all the same :laugh:
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Cody: "well SOMEONE has to be the macho one around here!"
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_hunting_dog.jpg)
Well, Cody is definately more macho than I am; and he's gay too!
I'm serious. Several male dogs have jumped my backyard fence and Cody goes after them EVERY SINGLE time.... and he's been neutered. Can you imagine what it would be like if he still had his "equipment".
Yes. I have a gay dog. Like father, like son! ;)
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Some things are universal!!!! ;D
Ain't THAT the truth Kerry?
I do believe some things are indeed universal.
-
well according to Alan Jackson...It's 5 o'clock SOMEWHERE
so throw a steak on the grill and lets eat!
(http://www.lilligren.com/Redneck/images/redneck_grill_3.jpg)
YUCK! :P
I do believe this is a real picture, ya'll! Look closely... that charcoal has been lit!
It's all black and burned. Who in the world would ever barbeque in a toilet? :P :P
It takes all kinds, I guess. ???
-
Well, Cody is definately more macho than I am; and he's gay too!
I'm serious. Several male dogs have jumped my backyard fence and Cody goes after them EVERY SINGLE time.... and he's been neutered. Can you imagine what it would be like if he still had his "equipment".
Yes. I have a gay dog. Like father, like son! ;)
well we have a pack of neutered dogs too....but there is one here that is either gay or making the best of a bad situation cause he's ALWAYS got a dog on him...It is plumb embarrassing to have guests over....
-
well we have a pack of neutered dogs too....but there is one here that is either gay or making the best of a bad situation cause he's ALWAYS got a dog on him...It is plumb embarrassing to have guests over....
I've always wondered why those other dogs keep jumping MY backyard fence! I think they can't keep away from Cody. This tells me not only is Cody gay, but those other dogs are too!
Hell, the whole WORLD is gay! Let's celebrate and party!
<David turns on stereo and dances on the coffee table to YMCA by "The Village People">
-
Yep my Bailey says all the jocking for top dog status gives her a headache (she has 3 brothers and 1 sister..Rico, Studly, Elvis and Coco :D)
(http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/83/235208wq9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Well, Cody is definately more macho than I am; and he's gay too!
I'm serious. Several male dogs have jumped my backyard fence and Cody goes after them EVERY SINGLE time.... and he's been neutered. Can you imagine what it would be like if he still had his "equipment".
Yes. I have a gay dog. Like father, like son! ;)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
I've always wondered why those other dogs keep jumping MY backyard fence! I think they can't keep away from Cody. This tells me not only is Cody gay, but those other dogs are too!
Hell, the whole WORLD is gay! Let's celebrate and party!
<David turns on stereo and dances on the coffee table to YMCA by "The Village People">
I'd like to see that! :o
-
Dottie they are such cute little puppies. I think they are Pomeranians. When I retire, I plan to get two Pomeranians - a black one and a ginger one - just like in your picture. I'm going to call the black one Jack and the ginger one Ennis. Looking at that picture, though, I don't think I'm going to be able to wait for retirement. I think I've fallen in love with those lil puppies. :-*
Oh Kerry you gotta go get Jack and Ennis and bring them home. There is nothing like a couple of dogs in the house. Well actually I have 5 (mad woman that I am) golden retrievers but I gotta have someplace to put all my pent up maternal frustration ;)
-
I've always wondered why those other dogs keep jumping MY backyard fence! I think they can't keep away from Cody. This tells me not only is Cody gay, but those other dogs are too!
Hell, the whole WORLD is gay! Let's celebrate and party!
<David turns on stereo and dances on the coffee table to YMCA by "The Village People">
well not the WHOLE world...I ain't giving up my Don for a Donna!! :o
ya'll have fun I am going to bed!!
-
Yep my Bailey says all the jocking for top dog status gives her a headache (she has 3 brothers and 1 sister..Rico, Studly, Elvis and Coco :D)
(http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/83/235208wq9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Dottie, I'll send you a confiential pm with the contact number for your nearest Canine AA Chapter. It looks like Bailey needs it! :'(
-
I'd like to see that! :o
....well I DO have a camcorder...and two digital cameras! ;)
-
well not the WHOLE world...I ain't giving up my Don for a Donna!! :o
ya'll have fun I am going to bed!!
Well... EXCEPT for Don!
Good night Jess! Sleep tight! :D
-
well not the WHOLE world...I ain't giving up my Don for a Donna!! :o
ya'll have fun I am going to bed!!
Nighty-night, Jess.
-
Sweet Dreams Jess :-*
(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/401/attachment7qu8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
Oh Look!
<-------------
I just hit 2600! You all may congratulate me now. ;)
-
....well I DO have a camcorder...and two digital cameras! ;)
I believe you already have my private Yahoo e-mail address!!! ;) ;) ;)
-
Oh Look!
<-------------
I just hit 2600! You all may congratulate me now. ;)
YEE-HAW!!!
Congratulations, David!
-
Oh Look!
<-------------
I just hit 2600! You all may congratulate me now. ;)
Congratulations David!! 2600 posts! Good Lord!
-
YEE-HAW!!!
Congratulations, David!
Why thank you, thank you!
It was an appalling effort, but worth it, I think.
In lieu of flowers, please send gifts.... UNLESS they're orchids. I LOVE orchids! ;)
-
Congratulations David!! 2600 posts! Good Lord!
HEY GERI!!! Awwww! :-*
Thanks honey! :)
-
Oh Look!
<-------------
I just hit 2600! You all may congratulate me now. ;)
Congrats David! Here's a little somethin for ya on this special occassion :-*
(http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/9388/00007242gq6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
Congrats David! Here's a little somethin for ya on this special occassion :-*
(http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/9388/00007242gq6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Oh my!
Now I'll take that over flowers and gifts any day!
Whew! Thanks Dottie! :D
-
Hi Geri! Bye Geri! I'm off to have my dinner. Frankfurts and spaghetti! Yum!
Talk to y'all tomorrow!
-
Enjoy Kerry!
Talk to ya tomorrow, buddy! :D
Have fun!
-
Enjoy your dinner Kerry, it's late here so I'm taking my sleepy self off to bed , NIght Geri, Night David buddy ;)
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/2301/sleepyno8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Enjoy your dinner Kerry, it's late here so I'm taking my sleepy self off to bed , NIght Geri, Night David buddy ;)
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/2301/sleepyno8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Good night Dottie! Sleep tight honey! :-*
-
HEY GERI!!! Awwww! :-*
Thanks honey! :)
but David~ you have made this town all the more interesting and entertaining! Every word you have typed has touched somebody here at Bettermost and that is one of the reasons we are all still here!! You are our reason to believe!!!!! xxooxx
night Dot!
-
Kerry~
Im so glad you have joined the crew! How you brighten things up! You are a "special" individual! For sure!!
Good night! xoxoxo
-
I'm off to have my dinner. Frankfurts and spaghetti! Yum!
Hey Kerry!
You need to give me a little better description here, bu - 'yum' isn't coming immediately to mind! ;)
Although, a couple of my fave camping foods are white cheddar mac & cheese and vegetarian baked beans with sliced veggie hotdogs, so maybe it's not so far-out after all?
::)
-
but David~ you have made this town all the more interesting and entertaining! Every word you have typed has touched somebody here at Bettermost and that is one of the reasons we are all still here!! You are our reason to believe!!!!! xxooxx
night Dot!
You're right on the money there, Geri. David has enriched my life, for sure. :)
<Hey, David, stop that eavesdropping :-\. This is private - just between Geri an me LOL 8). Don't wanna make you blush, lil buddy ;)>
-
Kerry~
Im so glad you have joined the crew! How you brighten things up! You are a "special" individual! For sure!!
Good night! xoxoxo
Wah thank ya, Geri. You're a sweet soul. It's good to be back. ;D
-
Hey Kerry!
You need to give me a little better description here, bu - 'yum' isn't coming immediately to mind! ;)
Although, a couple of my fave camping foods are white cheddar mac & cheese and vegetarian baked beans with sliced veggie hotdogs, so maybe it's not so far-out after all?
::)
Crikey, Lynne, that sure does sound mighty delicious! Why, if I hadn't just eaten, I'd head straight back into the kitchen and prepare myself some of those delicious sliced veggie hotdogs. Yumbo-jumbo! They sure do sound tasty! <Kerry crosses his fingers as he makes a hasty retreat, before Lynne offers to prepare some for him - gulp!> :laugh:
-
Crikey, Lynne, that sure does sound mighty delicious! Why, if I hadn't just eaten, I'd head straight back into the kitchen and prepare myself some of those delicious sliced veggie hotdogs. Yumbo-jumbo! They sure do sound tasty! <Kerry crosses his fingers as he makes a hasty retreat, before Lynne offers to prepare some for him - gulp!> :laugh:
I did have 10 or so years as a strict veggie, BUT the point is this is CAMPIN' food and them real wieners are hard to pack compared to the veggie variety!!
;D ;D
-
Kerry~
I see today you finally got your new sign up! It looks great. Just in time for the super Bowl partiers!
Looks like your officially open for business! congratulations! :laugh:
(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/newcleaners.jpg)
-
Kerry~
I see today you finally got your new sign up! It looks great. Just in time for the super Bowl partiers!
Looks like your officially open for business! congratulations! :laugh:
Wow! Geri, that sign is soooo super cool! I love it!
-
I was reading in Time magazine the other day about the new buzzwords that emerged in 2006. They were all clever and witty, but this one was my favourite:
"BROKEBACK MARRIAGE n. Thanks to Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal and their celebrated screen tragedy, there is now a term to describe a union between a gay man and a straight woman or a gay married man having an affair."
I suspect Harry might possibly be in a Brokeback Marriage . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BBM-TOON3.gif)
-
Yes, the term 'Brokeback Marriage' seems to have entered our language, for better or worse. I run across it fairly frequently looking for Movie Resources items!
8)
-
Yes, the term 'Brokeback Marriage' seems to have entered our language, for better or worse. I run across it fairly frequently looking for Movie Resources items!
8)
You were one of the first people to ever send a message to me here at BetterMost, Lynne, when I first joined last November. I was a very serious little possum back then. Full of sorrow, angst and mourning for dear sweet Jack and Ennis. You will remember that I was dedicating sonnets to them both, back then. Sonnets were about all I could manage at that point of time in my life. Post-BBM / Pre-BetterMost, I was beginning to think I may never be able to laugh, ever again. BetterMost changed all that. One of my first posts, at "Introduce Yourself," introduced all my new-found BetterMost friends not only to myself, but also to my soul-mate, with whom I had shared many years of my life. Many years, that is, until he left me to marry the woman of his choice. Oh, yes, Lynne, the term Brokeback Marriage has particular poignant relevance for me, indeed.
-
But enough of these silly, stuffy, pseudo-serious musings of mine! Let's have another cartoon! After all, this is a Komedy Klub, right?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BBM-TOON5.jpg)
-
KERRYS KOMEDY KLUB KOWBOYS
-
KERRYS KOMEDY KLUB KOWBOYS
Tee-hee! Love it, Geri! Just love it! :laugh:
-
Time magazine has listed its 10 top cartoons for 2006. This is one of them. You can see the other 9 at www.time.com/coty
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm-toon.jpg)
-
lol
-
lol
Geri...that is not a lol
that is a
ROTFLMAO!!
-
Jess can you imagine how embarrassing it was for the real estate agent! :laugh:
-
There's a whole collection of Brokeback Cartoons on this thread...
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,3063.0.html
Thanks for reminding me of some of my favorites Kerry ;D
-
lol
:laugh: When can I move in?! :laugh:
-
There's a whole collection of Brokeback Cartoons on this thread...
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,3063.0.html
Thanks for reminding me of some of my favorites Kerry ;D
Thanks for posting that link, Dottie. I didn't realise there was an existing BBM cartoon thread already here at BetterMost. Lots of great cartoons there. My favourite was the old-timers on the porch, asking "Were we gay?" :laugh: Some of them were overtly homophobic, alas. :(
-
lol
-
funny stuff. These are real adds!
-
funny stuff. These are real adds!
Oh, yucky-poo, Geri! The one about the mattress reminded me of the last time I went on a driving holiday of up-state New South Wales. I swear they had that mattress at one of the motels where I stayed! Ugh! :P
-
Warning! Politically incorrect joke!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BushPope.jpg)
-
Hi Kerry!
-
Hi Kerry!
MEN! Can't live with them, can't live with them!!! :laugh:
-
Hey Kerry
Found this one (along with a few really good lookin young men's pics, includin a few "buns" candidates - more later) in a blog posted by a guy in prison (Guess they too need ta keep 'emselves busy, hunh?)
(http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g14/roboy-0/odds%20and%20ends/untitled-1_0.jpg)
-
Hey Kerry
Found this one (along with a few really good lookin young men's pics, includin a few "buns" candidates - more later) in a blog posted by a guy in prison (Guess they too need ta keep 'emselves busy, hunh?)
(http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g14/roboy-0/odds%20and%20ends/untitled-1_0.jpg)
BAAAWWAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAA!!
I was in Walmart the other day and there was a woman in there (About 50, 180 lbs) wearing a pair of TIGHT camo pants ROLLED up to capri length, and she had BEDAZZLED all the little pocket flaps with those multicolored rhinestones!!
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!
oh! and HIGH HEELS!!
now that is STYLING right there!
-
Hi Kerry!
-
lol
-
Hey Kerry
Found this one (along with a few really good lookin young men's pics, includin a few "buns" candidates - more later) in a blog posted by a guy in prison (Guess they too need ta keep 'emselves busy, hunh?)
(http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g14/roboy-0/odds%20and%20ends/untitled-1_0.jpg)
Hilarious! :laugh: ROTFL! :laugh:
You've gotta love those zany cons! :P
-
BAAAWWAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAA!!
I was in Walmart the other day and there was a woman in there (About 50, 180 lbs) wearing a pair of TIGHT camo pants ROLLED up to capri length, and she had BEDAZZLED all the little pocket flaps with those multicolored rhinestones!!
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!
oh! and HIGH HEELS!!
now that is STYLING right there!
:laugh: There's a lid for every jar! :laugh:
-
Hilarious! :laugh: ROTFL! :laugh:
You've gotta love those zany cons! :P
Okay. For God sakes, I have to ask this: WHO is Debra Jackson?
Am I supposed to know this woman?
Maybe I'm a pathetic excuse for a gay man, but she just isn't ringing any bells for me.
Who is she? ???
-
Hi Kerry!
:laugh: Love it, Geri! :laugh:
Reminded me of this cartoon I came across somewhere . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cj_21.jpg)
-
lol
She's no dumb blond! That's a very clever answer! It shut the cop up! :laugh:
-
Okay. For God sakes, I have to ask this: WHO is Debra Jackson?
Am I supposed to know this woman?
Maybe I'm a pathetic excuse for a gay man, but she just isn't ringing any bells for me.
Who is she? ???
David! Do you mean to tell me you haven't heard of Debra Jackson?! Crikey! Even I've heard of her and I live in Australia!!! ;) ;) ;) :laugh:
-
DO IT!!
Revoke his gay card, Kerry!! Report him to gay central!!
-
DO IT!!
Revoke his gay card, Kerry!! Report him to gay central!!
They revoked my gay card at Gay Central a loooong time ago I think. :P
-
Okay. Now wait a minute... is she the one who sang "Ill do anything for you"... or was that someone else?
It's late and I'm tired you all! :P
Am I on the right track here, or should I just hang it up and try again tomorrow?
-
They revoked my gay card at Gay Central a loooong time ago I think. :P
That's because you were absent at the meeting where they handed out copies of the gay agenda ;)
(http://img47.imageshack.us/img47/8522/gayfi0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
-
(http://img226.imageshack.us/img226/680/runlikehelleg6.png) (http://imageshack.us)
-
Okay. Now wait a minute... is she the one who sang "Ill do anything for you"... or was that someone else?
It's late and I'm tired you all! :P
Am I on the right track here, or should I just hang it up and try again tomorrow?
< :) I was just joking, David! I've never heard of her either! ::)>
-
(http://img226.imageshack.us/img226/680/runlikehelleg6.png) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
< :) I was just joking, David! I've never heard of her either! ::)>
Okay. Then Jess is the one who has some 'splaining to do.
Who is she Jess? Inquiring minds want to know. :)
-
Hey Kerry! You just hit 500 posts! Congrats Buddy! :D
-
Hey Kerry! You just hit 500 posts! Congrats Buddy! :D
:laugh: Yee-Haw!!! :laugh:
-
Hey...David...you still sick?? How about a nice bowl of hot soup??
(http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r308/Newport_Beach_Girl/Misc%20Items/Food/CockFlavor.jpg)
man I HATE there is no one around to see this right now... :laugh: :laugh:
-
Hey...David...you still sick?? How about a nice bowl of hot soup??
(http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r308/Newport_Beach_Girl/Misc%20Items/Food/CockFlavor.jpg)
man I HATE there is no one around to see this right now... :laugh: :laugh:
Cock flavored soup? ???
It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
lol
-
Now that's Gourmet Cooking! ::) Here's some more for you :P
(http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/2534/00008963dm0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/8115/00008962fn4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
KOWABUNGA!!!!
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/5443/01squirrelaphx6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Hey...David...you still sick?? How about a nice bowl of hot soup??
(http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r308/Newport_Beach_Girl/Misc%20Items/Food/CockFlavor.jpg)
man I HATE there is no one around to see this right now... :laugh: :laugh:
Good heavens, Jess, that must be a typo on that pack a soup! If it's not, it certainly would leave a nasty taste in your mouth! You'd need a good cleansing ale after dipping your "spoon" in that bowl of soup! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/beer.jpg)
<Not sure where the "1862" comes from - it was my understanding that the Ancient Egyptians invented beer ca 6000 BC!>
-
Heres on I hope it comes out ok....
-
Good heavens, Jess, that must be a typo on that pack a soup! If it's not, it certainly would leave a nasty taste in your mouth! You'd need a good cleansing ale after dipping your "spoon" in that bowl of soup! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/beer.jpg)
<Not sure where the "1862" comes from - it was my understanding that the Ancient Egyptians invented beer ca 6000 BC!>
not photoshopped and it is real Kerry, from a Chinese grocer...
I thought it was hilarious....There can be mistakes made when you are translating phrases back and forth ...someone should open a thread on the odd translations that sometimes comes thru. Like (and I forgot which country) the Toyota translated as "Won't run" :laugh: kinda hurt the sales...
-
yikes
-
yikes
Awww! that dog is so cute. :D
-
I cam across these Valentines from a British greeting card company and could not resist.... I just love em. ;D
(http://img477.imageshack.us/img477/1874/studmuffinbigoa0.jpg)
(http://img477.imageshack.us/img477/5485/beefcakebigng2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
yikes
I love that cute doggie, Geri. He looks sorta fretful. It reminds me of something Pluto might do! :D
-
I cam across these Valentines from a British greeting card company and could not resist.... I just love em. ;D
They are the "campest" muffins I have ever seen, Dottie! :laugh:
-
I love that cute doggie, Geri. He looks sorta fretful. It reminds me of something Pluto might do! :D
He does, doesn't he? He's a cute dog. I think he might be a Dalmation without boxed ears. I'm not sure what breed of dog Pluto is. But your right! He does remind me of Pluto! :)
-
_________________________________________________________________
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his
six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and
finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark
Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".
-
:laugh: Hee-hee! Love it, Geri! I laughed out loud! :laugh:
Here's one of my favourites:
Nestled safely within the bosom of her village, deep within the Veneto, Maria was making preparations for her forthcoming wedding day.
She had always been a “good” girl and had no experience of men. She was, therefore, understandably nervous about her wedding night and voiced her concerns to her mother, at every opportunity. Mama was an old fashioned kinda gal, who always responded in the same way to every one of Maria’s questions, “Do your duty by your husband, Maria!”
And so Maria’s wedding day came to pass. There was a beautiful ceremony in the village church, followed by a lovely reception in her parent’s home. After the reception, Maria and her new husband retired to one of the upstairs bedrooms. They would be living with Maria’s parents until they could save enough to buy their own home.
As Maria and Rocco began to undress, in preparation for bed, Maria saw, to her surprise, that Rocco had hairy shoulders.
Much distressed, she rushed downstairs to her mother, exclaiming, “Mama, Mama, he’s-a got-a big-a hairy shoulders!”
“Go back upstairs and do your duty,” responded her mother.
Returning to her bedroom, Maria saw Rocco had completely removed his shirt and that he had pierced nipples.
She again rushed downstairs, shouting, “Mama, Mama, he’s-a got-a rings-a in his nipples!”
Mama responded, “Go back upstairs, Maria, and do your duty.”
Maria again returned to her bedroom, to find that Rocco was sitting on the edge of the bed, where he had just removed his shoes and socks. She was startled to see that he had a club foot!
Again rushing downstairs, Maria threw herself into her mother’s arms, sobbing, “Mama, Mama, he’s got a foot and a half!”
To which her mother responded, pushing Maria aside and bounding up the stairs, taking them two by two, “Step aside, Maria, this is a job for Mama!”
-
HaHaHaHa!!!!
This is a job for Mama, I just love it!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.
The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."
He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Geri, I wonder why women and gay men are so good at communicating, whereas straight men are so bad at it. ??? ;) :)
-
Don’t Mess with Grandma!
This arrived in my in-box at work today. The original was presented as a newspaper clipping. Made me laugh!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car..!!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. She told her story to the sergeant, who couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman, described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
-
Life in the Middle Ages
Not sure this is technically comedy, but it sure is fascinating! :D
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It's raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the term, “threshold.”
(Getting quite an education, aren't we?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the pot had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing death by lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard
shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring!
Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.
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Thanks for the smiles this evening you guys...this little guy cracked me up on an e-mail today :D
(http://off1.aimgit.net/images/sexiluv/howdy/pigHowdySmile.gif)
Sexy & Romantic glitter graphics from Sexi Luv.com (http://www.sexiluv2.com/)
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Does Bettermost have a new Hair Salon???
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"OOOWWWW I told you not to pull my ears"
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Uh, excuse me mister, are you my mother?
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I think we should give this one to Sheriff to post as a new advertisement for his coffee/latte/cappucino menu at the Studs and Spurs Saloon
Do I LOOK like a mocha latte to you?!
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"Everybody was Kung Fu fightin!"
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"Must.......reach.......cookie!"
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"A nip here, a tuck there........you look marvelous dahling!"
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" Hey lady, I think I found your problem!"
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"Aaaawww Man! I almost had it!!!!"
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"gently moisten the area before moving in for the kill... "
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Titanic.......the sequel
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These are hillarious!! thanks fer sharin
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"Please papa, don't leave me!"
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" Nope, you aren't dead yet, I'm getting a heartbeat!"
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These are hillarious!! thanks fer sharin
Yer Welcome Sheriff, I was laughing out loud at some of them so I thought they might make someone else's day too!
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Bettermost's new synchronized swim team
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just some real cute pictures
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more cuties
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And finally, Bettermost's new swimming pool, open to everyone or everything????
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Life in the Middle Ages
Not sure this is technically comedy, but it sure is fascinating! :D
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It's raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the term, “threshold.”
(Getting quite an education, aren't we?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the pot had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing death by lead poisoning. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard
shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said history was boring!
Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.
Wow Kerry that was really interesting! It really does make sense to where some of these phrases came from!
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in
front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it
away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them
"Oh that must be the door! I'll get it!
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"Thank ya kindly to Geri, Dottie and Ms UF for your fun posts. They've really made my day! I just can't stop smiling?"
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm2.jpg)
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I wonder which one provides the most comfortable ride? :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm1.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman.
"I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered."
"Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me!"
(http://www.heathersanimations.com/dogstwo/gpalaced56.gif)
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
(http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/3726/fartcow1ba2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
(http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/3726/fartcow1ba2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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This isn't really a joke but I sure thought it was cute..
(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/9751/brokebackmtspringhl4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
You can even purchase T-shirts with this on the front :laugh: at: www.313merch.com/.../brokeback_water.html
Maybe the conspiracy theorists were right and they faked Jack's death so they could head on up to Brokeback and start a little "water and t-shirt" business..could be a sweet life ;)
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I saw this on a washroom wall at a truck stop on Highway 401,near Port Hope, Ontario a few years back:
My mother made me a homosexual!
Below in another handwriting:
If I left her the wool, would she make me one too? :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm6.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh:
Drink Ovaltine and you'll feel gay. lol
If you think about it hard enough, ... well never mind! :-\
My Grandma used to tell me she "felt gay" in the morning. Funny how things change, isn't it?
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I saw this on a washroom wall at a truck stop on Highway 401,near Port Hope, Ontario a few years back:
My mother made me a homosexual!
Below in another handwriting:
If I left her the wool, would she make me one too? :laugh:
Gee, it's a small world, Dottie. Many years ago, when I was a child, I went on a picnic with my family. That very same message was written on the back of the cubicle door, in the picnic ground toilet. I would have been about 12 or so at the time. I gave my Mum a hard time about it, demanding an explanation. Poor ol' Mum. This happened in Sydney, Australia. Which is probably a looong way from you, Dottie! On a different family picnic, I remember my Mum laughing as she left the Ladies. She said someone had written, "Smile, you're on candid camera!" on the back of the cubicle door. :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh:
Drink Ovaltine and you'll feel gay. lol
If you think about it hard enough, ... well never mind! :-\
My Grandma used to tell me she "felt gay" in the morning. Funny how things change, isn't it?
Here's another funny use of the "G" word, David. It probably explains why I've always been attracted to sailors!!! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm7.jpg)
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Here's another funny use of the "G" word, David. It probably explains why I've always been attracted to sailors!!! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bbm7.jpg)
I have an attraction to sailors too Kerry!
Maybe it's from all that Ovaltine! :D
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Phew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story . . . age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! :laugh:
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Need Pills ???
A middle-aged guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription of the strongest Viagra available because he had got two young nymphomaniacs staying at his house for a few days.
Later that week he went back to the doctor and asked for painkillers. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Is your penis in that much pain?"
"No," said the guy. "It's for my wrists, the girls never showed up." ::)
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/2593/142417rxavwsd0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We`ve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
(http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/135/010sa1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/3241/sleep02lu1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1884/birthday69ah2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The fairy waved her wand again and POOF!
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/3241/sleep02lu1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
He was 90.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1043/oldman2pl5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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:laugh: Tee-hee! It's an old saying, Dottie, "Beware of what you wish for, because you might get it!" :laugh:
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(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/543/11in5.gif)
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/543/11in5.gif)
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/543/11in5.gif)
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/543/11in5.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Did you ever wonder . . .
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
and . . .
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion)
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, hunh!)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(And you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And I am taking this...........because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On packet of Nobby's Peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Better living through chemistry
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I seem to be hogging your thread Kerry...sorry ::) ... sometimes I get carried away as our dear Sheriff can attest :-\
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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." Odd . . .
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gent. The tourist asks: "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'"
The old man says: "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks: "Well, who is the owner?"
"Me," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many years ago when come to this country, was stand in line at document centre. Man in front was big blond Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say "Hans Olaffsen."
Then she look at me and go, "What your name?"
"I say 'Sem Ting.'"
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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" (http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/5153/horse99jr9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
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A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Old Friend: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Old Friend: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Old Friend. Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Old Friend: look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Old Friend: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Old Friend: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Old Friend. Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Old Friend: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Old Friend: "Sheep Lie."
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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" ???
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." :)
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." :)
The two sat sipping in silence. :-X
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" ???
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." :-\
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
:o
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A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS...
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT...
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS...
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10...
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper reads: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE...
The Bishop was buried the next day.(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)
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At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.
"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.
"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.
"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.
The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?" "It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?" "They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."
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Two Cowboys from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
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COWBOY WISDOM
(http://bestsmileys.com/cowboy1/8.gif)
1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
3. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
6. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8. Don't squat with your spurs on.
9. Always drink upstream from the herd.
10. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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:D :D :D 8)
Hope you don't mind, this one's so good I had to post it over in the Diner at the DC Forum!
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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all the collected chips to a nearby Benedictine monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casino of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks . . . ! :D
You didn't even see it coming, did you? Gotcha! :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: good one Kerry!
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One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
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Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People
10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.
9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.
8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.
7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.
6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.
5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!
4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.
3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.
2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.
And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...
1. Relax, we don't want you!
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(http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/9415/angelxv3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about he day you died."No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair.
I believed that each day on her lunch hour,she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex withhim. So today I was going to come home and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for thisguy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fellto the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands onto throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had aheart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom ofHeaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.""Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way downwhich broke my fall, so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!
"The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story."I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Verywell.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
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A man was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothing about cars!"
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
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A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."
The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Really? Let me see you catch a few."
The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the centerfield fence.
The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run."
The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"
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Best Break-Up Letter Ever
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.
Take Care, Ricky
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a good one Dottie!! :laugh: :laugh:
Kerry, WHERE are you!!! Dottie is doing everything but clean the toilets around here at your club.
We miss you buddy!!! :'(
Let's see some more of that Australian humor (humour) you are so famous for around here! :)
In the meantime, we will continue to appreciate Dottie's contributions. :D
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a good one Dottie!! :laugh: :laugh:
Kerry, WHERE are you!!! Dottie is doing everything but clean the toilets around here at your club.
We miss you buddy!!! :'(
Let's see some more of that Australian humor (humour) you are so famous for around here! :)
In the meantime, we will continue to appreciate Dottie's contributions. :D
Thanks David, glad you like the jokes buddy :D
Yes Kerry we MISS you very much :'( come back when you can
Uh and guys I been meaning to talk to you about those toilets...
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Hi Dottie & David :D
Thank you for minding the store for me. My apologies for not being as attentive as I should be lately. Mea maxima culpa. Got a lot on right now. And there's never enough (never enough) hours in the day. It's getting on to midnight here and I really should be in bed. Got to be up again at 6 in the morning. It's tough being a public servant in this town! :laugh:
Thank you for all your wonderful contributions, Dottie. And I owe you big time for keeping the bathroom so squeaky clean! I gotta say, though, if I wasn't pee-shy before I approached that big, beaming, bright-red, lip-glossed urinal, I sure was as I stood in front of it! Yikes, that thing looks like it's about to take a biiiiiig bite outa me, and I don't like to think of what part of me that bite's coming from! Shudder! :o ;) :laugh:
The following was an attachment that came with the monthly newsletter from my work's IT Dept today. Who says IT people don't have a sense of humour?! And guess what, Dottie, your namesake gets a mention! ;) ;D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/TechnologyferCountryFolk.jpg)
(for best viewing, save it to your harddrive and maximise it)
I love you guys! :-* :-*
Kerry
(in Oz)
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To commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie, "Sound Of Music".
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
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:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Julie Andrews has class! Thanks for posting that, Kerry! Glad to see you back!
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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. What the heck," he says to himself,
"I really need a drink."
When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you untill you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan " Just
do It". That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because "It really Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he
will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting
to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX".
The thirsty cowboy asks "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is
Job One". Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to
him then says, "I call mine CHEVY,
Like a Rock". And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for
his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET.
Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, "Why Secret?.
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN
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(http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/2955/surprisebo9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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:laugh: :laugh:
Both of those were good ones, Kerry and Dottie!! :D
Kerry, you are getting very close to crossing the 1000 mark! Hurry up buddy, because I'm looking forward to seeing you over at the "1000 Posts Club"!
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<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824JGUS%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F2%255F34%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_2_34.gif)[/url]
OMG David that was a good one!
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And now for a message from our friends of the Radical Religious Right:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/KillKittens.jpg)
Pray for the kitties! :'( ;) :laugh:
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(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k28/chooper01/Funny/ththmistake1qj1.gif)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/toon1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/runlikehelleg6.png)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/chicken.jpg)
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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What a drag it is getting old...
When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/prison_escape.jpg)
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(http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/4402/viagraww2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.
4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.
5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.
7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!
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Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962
WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y
WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y
WEEK FIVE
Fresh fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astroglide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco
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(http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/350/leprechaunzc2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A tall man is in the mens room using the facilities. A short guy, about knee high, comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a pee too. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder. The little guy says, "What the hell are you looking at?" and the tall guy replies, "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!"
"Well," says the short guy, "Of course I do. I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I wish for!"
"A leprechaun, you say? Does that mean you can give me any thing I wish for?!" asks the tall man.
"Well, yes, but I am a gay leprechaun, so I'll want a favor in return," says the short guy.
After thinking, the tall guy says, "Alright then. I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new Porsches!"
"Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours! But first I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"
So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?" The tall guy moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce....."
"Bruce? How old are you?" asks the short guy.
Stomping his feet even harder, he moans, "I'm 32!"
The short guy says, "Bruce? You're 32 and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"
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last one for tonight ;)
(http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/5700/redcarnx2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.
"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
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:laugh: :laugh:
Come on Kerry! Get in on this! Dottie is on a roll! :laugh:
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I love your super posts, Dottie! :laugh: Don't stop! :D
9 Things I Hate About People!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, pal. Where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say, "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?" No, loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, numnut?
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Have you ever wondered what those gorgeous super stars look like first thing in the morning? They look like this:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-camerondiaz.jpg)
Cameron Diaz
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-evalongoria.jpg)
Eva Longoria
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-jeniferlopez.jpg)
Jenifer Lopez
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-jessicasimpson.jpg)
Jessica Simpson
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-katemoss.jpg)
Kate Moss
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-madonna.jpg)
Modonna
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aa-parishilton.jpg)
Paris Hilton
Now that's what I call funny! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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This may be a little off-topic, though some people will find it funny. Others will find it cute. Personally, I find it somewhat scary. I wouldn't want one of these in the house while I take my afternoon nap. I might wake up with my throat ripped out!
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/03/070321-toygers-photos.html
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Wow Kerry, those cats sure do look like little tigers. I think they are quite beautiful although I don't know if I would want one. I think I would be afraid of it too! :o
It's really funny how plain these major super stars really are without their makeup artist around! Jennifer Lopez looks like my next door neighbor .. Although after seeing that pic I think the neighbor is better looking. Cameron Diaz is very plain. I know a guy who lives in LA and he has been in the same restaurant with her. He had his little dog with him all dressed up in an outfit and she came over to his table to see the dog. He said she was wearing a baseball hat and no makeup and he hardly recognized her cause she looked very plain. But he said she was as nice as anybody he has ever met. I guess she has a little dog that she likes to dress up too. And asked him where he gets his doggy outfits. Paris Hilton, well, I think she is ugly anyways. Spoiled rotten ugly.
Really enjoying yours and Dots posts here. I have to go on the web and find some funny things to post! I've really been slacking here!
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Hi Geri :D
Lovely to hear from you. Post away! Everyone is welcome to post their funnies here.
Cheers,
Kerry 8)
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STRESS
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Are you ready to see the photographs of the dolphins?
I was delighted with my own result!
I hope this exercise isn't contributing to elevating your stress levels!
Here are the dolphins!
Won't be long now!
Here they are . . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/stress_aa.jpg)
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Queer Quotes some of these are GREAT...
1. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" -- Jon Stewart
2. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada. --Lorne Bloch
3. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one. --From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
4. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --Lynn Lavner
5. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. --Rita Mae Brown
6. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. --Letter to the Editor, The Advocate
7. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. --Barry Goldwater
8. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." --Robin Tyler
9. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? --Ernest Gaines
10. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? --The Value of Families
11. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. --Charles Pierce, 1980
12. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure. --Denise McCanles
13. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children. --Anita Bryant, 1977 ignorance is NOT bliss in her case
14. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters. --Anita Bryant stupid stupid woman
15. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. --Dennis Miller
16. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. --Judy Carter
17. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. --W. Somerset Maugham
18. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. --Author Unknown
19. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated, "all my Homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." --Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
20. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys. --Andrew G. Dehel
21. If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." --Shelly Roberts
22. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. --Amanda Bearse
23. Some women can't say the word Lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one. --Kate Clinton
24. No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. --Author Unknown
25. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. --Francis Maude
26. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. --Rita Mae Brown
27. 'You could move.' --Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood
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This song is to sung to the tune of the Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan...all gay men know that tune right ;) :D I sang it all the way through and LOVED it!
(http://img490.imageshack.us/img490/8569/pirates3sn7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual
by Justin, of Gay Christian.net
as Justin points out on his site, "Ex-gay" people admit they have what they call ongoing "same gender attraction" (called SGA in the song) but claim they're not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is "being attracted to some one of your own sex.)
I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I've no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I've read 8 books on how to please my wife while I'm caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!
I wrote a tell-all book about my sordid lifestyle histories
It's been at least a month from my last bathroom break at Mister P's
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
Chorus:
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!
II.
My father was a weakling and my mother was tyrannical
In lieu of wrestlemania, my interests were botanical
My peer group had a way of undermining my stability
Because I lacked in football any natural ability
Since "gay" and what I felt were in reality antonymous
I took the narrow path to homosexuals anonymous
The counselors determined after listening to my narrative
My brokenness results from having drives that are reparative
Chorus:
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are repar-reparative!
Now, though I hope my obfuscating language doesn't vex you all
I'm told I am a non-gay same-sex tempted homosexual
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
Chorus:
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!
III.
I'll know I've finally made it when my picture is in Citizen
You'll read my testimony in the Christian mags that it is in
I'll testify to Congress without ever feeling ill-at-ease
When I no longer notice guys with looks like Ryan Phillippe's
When body image means no more and I'm content with tippin' scales
When I've eradicated any ling'ring thoughts of Chippendales
When I can get my ex-gay wife to pick up on my simple hints
And when I father children without need of kitchen implements
Chorus:
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen imple-implements!
For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical
A struggle's not enough when testimonies are political
But still, although I'm dealing with my childhood residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual!
Chorus:
But still, although he's dealing with his childhood residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
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Four older men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
:o Ooops ;)
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(http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/598/inthecarfz7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with asmall sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs thesteps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing a little business."
(http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/2665/nunnz1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." was her reply
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY
Busted <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824JGUS%2526i%253D23%252F23%255F1%255F84%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_1_84.gif)[/url]
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I love the "Queer Quotes," Dottie. I've just returned to the office after having lunch with a friend. He gave me a great queer quote from the immortal Bette Davis - "Old-age is no place for sissies." Classic! Love it! :)
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To Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street
Author Unknown, but with apologies to Dr Seuss
(http://img476.imageshack.us/img476/346/seussxm9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you'd be bored. Wouldn't You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I'll answer a personal ad"
But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn't anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street
And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don't really drink -- but that's where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot
There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!
Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you're rude!
What makes you think that you're such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel
Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!
Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I'm just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!
It was everyone's favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group -- the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!
And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears
But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos
He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!
His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs
And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything's Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!
And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky
First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines
I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques
There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW
I even saw one fellow wearing a cow
And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you'd be mean too if you had only an inch!)
And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
'Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!
Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy's in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!
I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt
"You ain't seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I'm not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They're both on my team, cause we're in the Gay Games!
Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"
Now it's hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he'd call
A year later we're dating! We're really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight 'em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street![/size]
(http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/7486/splash1lohidw6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Absolutely precious, Dottie! Love it! :D
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my co-worker Kevin found this in his e-mail this morning...
You Know You're Gay When...
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
(http://bestsmileys.com/drinking/4.gif)You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
(http://bestsmileys.com/thumbs/3.gif)You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/14.gif)You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
(http://bestsmileys.com/foot_in_mouth/1.gif)You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
(http://bestsmileys.com/whisper/2.gif)You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
(http://bestsmileys.com/kissing2/2.gif)No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
(http://bestsmileys.com/tempted/1.gif)Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
(http://bestsmileys.com/happy/7.gif)You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
(http://bestsmileys.com/happy/6.gif)You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
(http://bestsmileys.com/drinking/14.gif)You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don't, you know how to fake it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/misbehaving/6.gif)You know how to get back at just about everyone.
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Your pets always have great names.
(http://bestsmileys.com/cars/14.gif)Nobody expects you to change a tire.
(http://bestsmileys.com/doh/1.gif)You're the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mooners/5.gif)You know how to get a waiter's attention.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You only wear polyester when you mean to.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
(http://bestsmileys.com/family/1.gif)You are, hands down, your nephew's and nieces' favorite uncle.
(http://bestsmileys.com/family/3.gif)You get to choose your family.
(http://bestsmileys.com/handshake/2.gif)You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
(http://bestsmileys.com/evil/3.gif)You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
(http://bestsmileys.com/fainting/1.gif)You wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters.
(http://bestsmileys.com/cold/2.gif)You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
(http://bestsmileys.com/kissing2/4.gif)You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You've always got an opinion, and don't mind sharing it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/reading/5.gif)You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
(http://bestsmileys.com/kissing2/6.gif)You know how to "air kiss".
(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/4.gif)You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having... and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you've been for two weeks.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You know how to dress strategically.
(http://bestsmileys.com/hyper/8.gif)You know when to move out and move on.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
(http://bestsmileys.com/cats1/9.gif)You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
(http://bestsmileys.com/eek/7.gif)You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
(http://bestsmileys.com/gift/1.gif)You wouldn't buy someone a mug for their birthday.
(http://bestsmileys.com/drinking/10.gif)You know which wine to bring.
(http://bestsmileys.com/beatup/2.gif)Sales clerks don't mess with you.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sick/5.gif)You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
(http://bestsmileys.com/hello/8.gif)You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
(http://bestsmileys.com/hat/2.gif)You've just about defeated the accent you were born with.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You know the way to a man's heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mail/19.gif)You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
(http://bestsmileys.com/surprised/4.gif)You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sun/2.gif)You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)You have the latest International Male catalog.
(http://bestsmileys.com/moody/9.gif)You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
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Hilarious! I think most of these were written with ME in mind!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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;D Glad you're enjoying them Kerry..they sure tickled my funny bone ;)
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A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a flamboyant gay genie.
(http://img490.imageshack.us/img490/513/geniekc7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
"Nope, just one...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"
The man shook his head 'no', and didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don't think so, not in this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man, you know, one that's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex from me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That's what I wish for... the perfect guy to have as my lover."
(http://img490.imageshack.us/img490/7411/goldgeniegj2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh Miss Thang... let me see that map again."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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You're too good for me, Dottie lol! ;) I can't keep up with you! You're outa my class! :'( And I keep running out of material, whereas you appear to have an endless (hilarious) supply lol! :D I'll try to endeavour to do my best . . . :)
I can't remember if I've already posted this one . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/198_11-1.jpg)
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as Henny Youngman use to say in his Stand-up act " I got a million of em" :D I'll keep posting em as long you enjoy em until I run out ;)
FABULAIR ... Blueprint For The First Gay Airline
p class="author">Author Unknown
(http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/7007/pln2rs7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/7007/pln2rs7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/7007/pln2rs7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Welcome Aboard
The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.
Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you'll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.
You Know You've Arrived
Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on - it's color-coded to indicate whether you're aggressively single, possibly available, or married.
On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul - they're gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you're after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.
(http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/4452/flug01mt4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
If There's Anything We Can Do...
Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It's comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you'll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can't wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You're ready for takeoff. You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair... Out.... Curve... Genre?... Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.
The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's "Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes.
Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't be sad. You've earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.
Too Fabulous
Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It's so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class.
We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you.
At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it. On board, you'll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we just added more.
Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you'll agree, it's a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world's first all-gay airline.
(http://img451.imageshack.us/img451/9375/carpet5oq1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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I loooooove your posts, Dottie! Doooooooooon't stoooooooooop! :laugh:
Here's a humble offering from me, more funny-strange than funny-haha:
AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age (you’d probably fib anyway lol!)
Do not cheat by scrolling down first lol!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read (if, like me, you’re not good at mental arithmetic, you’ll need a pen and small scrap of paper).
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things. It's fun!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat (more than once but less than 10).
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757. If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born; i.e., 1964, 1978, etc., etc.
You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!!! :D
Oh, YES, it is!!! :laugh:
2007 is the only year this will work!
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It Worked!<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxdm824JGUS%2526i%253D39%252F39%255F5%255F4%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/39/39_5_4.gif)[/url]
How did you do that?!?
I've never been good at working out how things like this work so I am the perfect person to play them on because I am always so amazed and impressed. LOL Good one Kerry!
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
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One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."
The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."
The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.
Just then, there is a series of shoot gun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is blown away and sent spinning across the barn yard. Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, "Damn it Mildred, that is the third gay rooster we have had this week!!"
(http://bestsmileys.com/animals/3.gif)
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Barbie's Letter to Santa (http://bestsmileys.com/christmas1/4.gif)
Author Unknown
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '90s look. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or "Divorce Barbie" and package me with all of Ken's belongings.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
(http://img61.imageshack.us/img61/6237/barbievu8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Dreamhouse Malibu, CA
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Ken's Letter To Santa(http://bestsmileys.com/christmas4/25.gif)
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine.
Sincerely,
Ken
(http://img466.imageshack.us/img466/445/1boogiekendi7.th.gif) (http://img466.imageshack.us/my.php?image=1boogiekendi7.gif)
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Ken's Letter To Santa(http://bestsmileys.com/christmas4/25.gif)
Dear Santa,
*snip*
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine.
Sincerely,
Ken
Go Ken Go!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://img459.imageshack.us/img459/3720/uf121806ph6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img464.imageshack.us/img464/2350/admititbob380ih0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img464.imageshack.us/img464/5879/bitchhoe3701gv3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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You Know You're a Queen if:
Author Unknown
Keep track of your own yes answers and then see the bottom of the page... ;)
:D If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know how to spell Barbra's first name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've never felt the need to use Barbra's last name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
:D If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony's,
then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you've given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
:D If you'd sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn't match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
:D If you're the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
:D If you've ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
:D If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you're a sick Queen.
:D If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
:D If you've ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe ;)
YES ANSWERS:
Over 40 - Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 - Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 - Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 - Nathan Lane!
Under 24 - Honey, you're not hanging out with the right people!
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::) 8) ::)
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"Birdie, birdie in the sky,
Why'd you do that in my eye?"
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Huntin' Bears
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.
She says, "What is it my son?"
The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."
She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I've been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I'm sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."
"That's OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."
The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.
As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.
She says, "What's wrong, my son?"
He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm Jewish and I'm married!"
She says, "That's okay. My name's Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
:o So Busted
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Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV
10. Angels Shouldn't Go Around "Touching" Anyone
9. Mister Rogers' sissy loafers.
8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian.
7. Bastards at MTV didn't even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape.
6. If you don't pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy.
5. Fox won't even consider "World's Wildest Baptism Accidents"
4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition
3. I'm busting my ass on public access while some joker in a glass church is getting Super Bowl numbers
2. Why don't Scully and Mulder "do it" already and get it over with
1. Dick Van Dyke
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New light dog food campaigne
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I get alot of lawyer jokes... ::)
People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q:You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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I'm afraid I've got to agree with Grannie on this one....does Red need a referral to a good Opthalmologist or is she just plain gullible...
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The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Author Unknown
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1. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
2. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
3. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
4. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
5. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
6. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
8. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
9. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
10 Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
11. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
12. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
13. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
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KERRY!!!
Come out, come out where ever you are!!!!
Wait a minute! When was May 9th?
Oh, that waas only a day ago. Nevermind.
I'm scared Kerry will disappear from us again! >:(
:) :)
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A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"
The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw *anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"
Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks, "*Chickens?!*"
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Two Cowboys from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
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KERRY!!!
Come out, come out where ever you are!!!!
Wait a minute! When was May 9th?
Oh, that waas only a day ago. Nevermind.
I'm scared Kerry will disappear from us again! >:(
:) :)
:D Kerry's right here, sweet baby boy!!! :-* ;) :D
Over 900 posts from me, in just over 5 months! :o
I'm not exactly sure if this is funny or not. "Uranus" always makes me laugh; even in a serious, scientific treatise ! :laugh:
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A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"
The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw *anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"
Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks, "*Chickens?!*"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Absolutely hilarious, Dottie! One of your best! I'm laughing out loud here in Sydney, Australia! :laugh:
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I'm not exactly sure if this is funny or not. "Uranus" always makes me laugh; even in a serious, scientific treatise ! :laugh:
I think just about everyone finds it funny, Kerry. Once when a lady was charting my horoscope, she told me "Mars is in Uranus".
:laugh: :laugh:
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For as long as any one could remember this one old Indian named all the children in the villiage. So one day a young brave walks up to the old man and asks him; "Old man how do you name all these children? How do you come up with the names for so many? The old man replys: "Young brave I name these children as the great spirt shows me, If I see snow gently falling I say to that child you shall be called Snow Gently Falling, and if I see a Hawk that flys above I say to that young one you shall be called Hawk That Soars above. Then the old man looks at the young brave and says, "And you Two Dogs Fucking why do you ask?"
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A lady's car broke down in the desert, to her relief an Indian rode past and ask if she’d like a ride to town. He helped her up on the horse, and said hold on. She put her arms around his waist and off they went. Frequently, on the way, the Indian let out a loud Yeeee Haaaww!
When they got to town he dropped her off at the garage, as he rode away he let out another Yeeee Haaaww!
The lady asked the mechanic: "What’s with the Indian and Yeee Haaaawww?
Mechanic replied, "dunno, what’d you do?"
"Nothing" she said "just put my arms around him and held on to the saddle horn."
"Lady" :o said the mechanic, "Indians don’t use saddles." ::)
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COWBOY WISDOM
1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.(http://bestsmileys.com/cowboy1/11.gif)
2. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
3. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
6. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8. Don't squat with your spurs on.
9. Always drink upstream from the herd.
10. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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I think just about everyone finds it funny, Kerry. Once when a lady was charting my horoscope, she told me "Mars is in Uranus".
:laugh: :laugh:
Half your luck! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."
"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."
"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."
And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."
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Two gay lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
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Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
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There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
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Hehe! After I saw the movie the first time, it seemed like there were a lot more gay people around everywhere I went!
But maybe that was because I went different places...
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Yep, I sure do know aaaaaall about bad hair days lol!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!" :o
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P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending any argument with the sentence: "My ex used to do that same exact thing."
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I'm going to Penrith for vacation this year!!! :P ;) :laugh:
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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
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An old Indian is standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passes by, on
the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says,
"Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past... The Indian
raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're
an Indian, aren't you?"
He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111mandog.jpg)
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New CBS program: "Gay Survivor"author unknown
Here's the premise:
Fifteen Gay males are put in a faboulous two bedroom condo in South Beach. Each week they vote out one of the group until there is one survivor who will get a $1 million Gucci (by Tom Ford) shopping spree.
The Rules:
1. No music by Madonna allowed.
2. Redecorating the apartment is allowed only once per week.
3. There is only one rotary phone line for all fifteen queens and no call can last more than three minutes; under no circumstances will cell phones be allowed!
4. The use of the terms "girlfriend" "sister" "bitch" "queen" or "honey" NOT allowed.
5. Fresh flowers will only be delivered every two weeks.
6. Those considered "tops" and those considered "bottoms" will switch every other day.
7. Only 1998 back issues of Vanity Fair, W, Ocean Drive, YM, Genre,Vogue and People magazine are allowed.
8. The only concert "Gay Survivors" are allowed to attend is the Diana Ross Supremes reunion concert (Cancelled? TOO BAD!)
9. Survivors are only allowed to change clothes three times a day.
10. The only video that can be played during the entire run is Barbara Streisand's "Yentl"
11. All underwear by CK and 2 Xist disallowed; must only wear polyester briefs from JC Penneys.
12. Must be able to discuss in length every episode of the "Brady Bunch"
13. Ecstacy, grass, and Absolute NOT available; the only alcohol allowed will be Pabst Blue Ribbon beer or boxed zinfandel wine.
14. Must be able to sing at a moments notice "I Got To Be Me."
15. "White Party" tickets will go on sale while you are on "Survivor;" not allowed to charge over the phone.
16. No catalogs from JCrew, Abercrombie & Fitch, Pottery Barn, or Saks Fifth Avenue allowed.
17. No time allowed to visit your hairdresser for a quick "highlight"
18. Can only go to the gym every other week.
19. You may NOT make it out of the show by Halloween.
20. No food from carry out or delivery; no Diet Coke stockpiled in fridge; no soy milk substitute allowed, only whole milk.
21. Everyone is forced to do the Atkins diet every day.
22. Only one person a day is allowed to do Bette Davis "All About Eve" or "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" impersonations
23. The word "Prada" can not be mentioned under any circumstances
24. An arched eyebrow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or skepticism.
COULD YOU DO IT ????????
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I would fling myself off the balcony of that apartment, to a sure and certain death on the jagged rocks below, by no later than 12 midday on Day One!!! :o
It was No.24 that delivered the coup de grace for me - "An arched eyebrow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or skepticism." I couldn't survive without my legendarily famous arched eyebrow, Dottie!!! ::)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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I was having a beer in the local pub, when a fellow-drinker at the bar mentioned that he worked for the visiting circus, and that he paid up to $10,000 to people spotting acts for him. Only the previous week, he said, he'd paid a spotter $10,000 for referring him to a cow that could do a triple sumersault. I was a little sceptical, but let it go. About five minutes later, in waddled a duck. "What can I do for you?" asked the barman. "A pint of your finest, please, my good man," said the duck. I was amazed. "Excuse me," I said, "But the circus would pay big money for a duck with your ability." "What?" he exclaimed. "A mechanic?"
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(http://img82.imageshack.us/img82/6575/fd214d6f5645dcb23dbd901nb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing?!?! I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
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Wishful Thinking? ~ OR ~ Delusions of Grandure???
(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/2179/megacondomcz9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Yikes! Better her than me!!! :o ;) :laugh:
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/575d60868e0adae11988b08fbcd6cd16.jpg)
A baby polar bear asks his mother ''Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The mother looks up in thought, and replies ''Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks ''Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The father pauses briefly, and responds ''Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
The father then looks at his son and says ''why do you ask?''
The son replies ''because I'm FREEZING!!!!''
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111homer.jpg)
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(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/797/mermaidrr8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A husband, wife, and son are barely making ends meet on their farm. One morning the woman sees the family’s only cow lying dead in the field and hangs herself in desperation. When the man awakens, he sees his wife and cow dead and shoots himself.
The son finds his parents dead and goes to drown himself, only to discover a mermaid at the river.
The mermaid tells him, “If you have sex with me 10 times in a row, I will revive your parents and the cow.”
“Why not 20?” replies the son.
“Fine,” she says. “Twenty it is.”
“But wait,” says the boy. “How do I know that 20 times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
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Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we’ve got no beer.”
“No way,” says the second turtle. “By the time I get back, you’ll have eaten all the food.” “I promise I won’t,” replies the first. “Just hurry.”
Nine full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other digs into the sandwiches.
The second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, “I knew it! I’m not fucking going!”
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/untitled-7.jpg)
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Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/8996/tails20robotlv4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She’s finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she’d like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A “Yes I’ll cook, clean etc.” button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You’d think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won’t run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.
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What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Kermit's undivided attention!
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v636/brianbogdan/root/october2/Kermit.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111jewelry.jpg)
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Things you should NEVER say to a Cop
(http://bestsmileys.com/cops/8.gif)
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
4. Are You Andy or Barney? (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer. (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
7. I pay your salary! (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" (http://bestsmileys.com/cops/1.gif)
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(http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/4066/lka0018lpp1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/buzz2.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/buzz3.jpg)
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of Petrol!"
The bee told the man to wait right there
And flew away. Minutes later, the man
Watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
To his car and into his gas tank. After a
Few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the
Car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed.
"What did you put in my tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."
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This is more quirky than funny, I guess. But still amusing in a macabre sort of way. :-\
Psychopath Test
Read this question, come up with an answer. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No-one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. :P
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? ???
[Give this some thought before scrolling down for the correct answer]
Have you given it a lot of thought?
Think you've got the right answer?
Only scroll down when you think you've got it right!
I got it wrong!
Maybe you'll have better luck than me!
Here's the correct answer . . . . .
She killed her sister solely in the hope of getting the guy to attend the funeral, so she could see him again, and presumably remember to get his phone number this time! If you answered this correctly, you think like a . . . . .
psychopath!
This was a test by a famous psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you! :D
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How about a little politcal humor with bite
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/9126/keefefi7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/272/daviesio3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/4602/bushconnecticutwelcomezv7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."
"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !" :laugh:
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(http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/4602/bushconnecticutwelcomezv7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Yikes! Are they bullet-holes in that sign, Dottie?! :o
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Yikes! Are they bullet-holes in that sign, Dottie?! :o
good question, probably :-\
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."
"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !" :laugh:
I see lawyers have the same reputation the world over!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb. :D
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I'd better not tell that one to the Boss. Yep, you guessed it - a blonde! :laugh:
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(http://img476.imageshack.us/img476/7759/cartoontk5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Monkey Portraits (http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/7271/aap3kc2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/5596/funnymonkeydz6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/4290/magiciannz2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: (http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/1930/11bs8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day...and then 2 days....and then 3 days......
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
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A little old man shuffled very slowly into an ice cream parlor, edged painfully onto a stool, barely making it, and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
(http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/9963/mens24mo8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."
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When Farmer Brown bought a dead sheep from a neighbouring farmer, he was asked what he was going to do with it.
"I'm hard up, so I'm going to raffle it," said Farmer Brown
"You can't raffle off a dead sheep!"
"Aye I can. I just won't tell anybody it's dead..."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the animal asked, "Whatever happened with that dead sheep?"
Farmer Brown smugly reported: "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 a piece and made a net profit of $998.00."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back..."
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v732/Imptress/sheepado.gif)(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v732/Imptress/sheepado.gif)(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v732/Imptress/sheepado.gif)
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How Dogs And Guys Are The Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes2006/hpw27.gif)
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes2006/runnekkid.jpg)
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(http://images.yuku.com/image/png/ff11545508e392f36ca73dc1ce6d9624efb6bed_t.gif)FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on
medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.
We walked to friends' homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had! the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from the last few years.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.
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Monkey Portraits (http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/7271/aap3kc2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/5596/funnymonkeydz6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Hmmm, that monkey at top-right looks a lot like my ex! :o I mean that as a compliment y'all! ;) :D
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That's another one I'd better not tell the Boss!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://images.yuku.com/image/png/ff11545508e392f36ca73dc1ce6d9624efb6bed_t.gif)FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986
Loved this, Dottie! I am a proud Baby Boomer, myself! :D
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While I was "flying" down the road yesterday
(i.e., 10 mph over the limit),
I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car,
and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?" To which
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm
a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one
finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with
my whole hand in I work side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a
radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
(http://bestsmileys.com/cops/8.gif)
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(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/5133/27bj4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Scotsmen and 1 Scots woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor store / restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Scotsmen set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/1598/01wz7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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This old man in his eighties got up and was
putting on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of
those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on
her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
(http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/9811/attachmentpi4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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How many Bettermostians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/8194/image203uo2.th.jpg) (http://img504.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image203uo2.jpg)
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again
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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground, after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and put her head in her hands and said, "Oh God ...... you missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
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(http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w67/leary121/mice2.gif)
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(http://bestsmileys.com/sick/3.gif)A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.
(http://bestsmileys.com/medical/6.gif)A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/3.gif)Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/2.gif)
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly (http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/1.gif)pulls back the covers.
(http://bestsmileys.com/eek/5.gif)She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. (http://bestsmileys.com/happy/3.gif)That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e --- m y --- t e s t --- r e s u l t s --- b a c k?
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The Confession
(http://bestsmileys.com/movingeyes/4.gif)Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)The priest asks, "Is that you, Tom Shaughnessy?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/movingeyes/4.gif)"Yes, Father, it is.
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)"And, who was the woman you were with?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/nono/4.gif)"I'm sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/nono/4.gif)"I cannot say."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/nono/4.gif)"I cannot say."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)"Was it Liz Shannon?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/nono/4.gif)"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)"My lips are sealed."
(http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif)"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy , and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tom walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads." (http://bestsmileys.com/happy/7.gif)
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Mental Health Hotline
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif) If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/3.gif)If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif) If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/3.gif) If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif) If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/3.gif) If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif) If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/3.gif) If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif)If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/3.gif) If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/16.gif) If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
(http://bestsmileys.com/talking/17.gif) If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, there's no such thing as an undetectable toupee?! :P
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-a.jpg)
However, this one comes pretty close! :D
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I absolutely adore this pic. It reminds me of Jack & Ennis somehow. :D Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. :-* :-*
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-b.jpg)
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I absolutely adore this pic. It reminds me of Jack & Ennis somehow. :D Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. :-* :-*
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-b.jpg)
I agree completely..it is so perfectly Jack and Ennis :D
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This is one of my husband's favorite jokes so I offer you this one from Bob ;)
THE ART OF MAKING LOVE
(http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/9100/attachmentcds6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great
sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had
sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and
she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had
sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love,
and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked,
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v224/fun05/fun/LadiesKitchenAccesory.jpg)
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I absolutely adore this pic. It reminds me of Jack & Ennis somehow. :D Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. :-* :-*
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-b.jpg)
God Kerry. That picture IS SO CUTE!!!!
It does remind me of Jack and Ennis! :)
Thanks so much for posting it.
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Hallmark Cards for Dysfunctional Families
Hallmark Cards has a new division that is targeted toward the growing group of dysfunctional families. Here is a sample of their new cards.
(http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/1731/aslovingcupgh5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love, and now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/2007/devils035kt1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met
you.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/9899/morgenkafferd5.gif) (http://imageshack.us) ;)
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're here to ruin it for me.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1749/toast1eg4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You may need it again.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/6479/shadesjl0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/2314/jessicamk2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike.
(http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/6683/plani34ju7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think
it's time to keep your promise.
(http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/9997/640hommfu5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/9964/17mt6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
9. I'm miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/778/babycrykk1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father
is?
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/3484/wat175pn7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
11. You're such a good friend - if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you
often.
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1210/gpalaced56to0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really
special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/5862/remoteky0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
13. Happy birthday Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia
and Holder, Florida)
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/61/funnyladyma0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I
can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
(http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/1679/kapel330ws2.gif)
15. Congratulations on your Wedding Day...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
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:laugh: :laugh:
That was a good one Dottie!! :D
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/6131/engelg2ql1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. (http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/8506/catstripeub3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)"I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9548/jfrog2p2vt1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/6131/engelg2ql1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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God Kerry. That picture IS SO CUTE!!!!
It does remind me of Jack and Ennis! :)
Thanks so much for posting it.
You thought that one was cute, David. What about this lil cutey . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-c.jpg)
[[[Puppy]]]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-d.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-d.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: Love it ! :laugh: :laugh:
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Confucius Says
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who run in front of car get tired.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who run behind car get exhausted.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man with one chopstick go hungry.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)War not determine who right, war determine who left.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/6008/smileychineseedafanh2.png)Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
(http://www.awesomeclipartforeducators.com/Chinese%20New%20Year/chinesenyclip-9.gif)(http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2708/chinesemoonfestival50kcc4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)(http://www.awesomeclipartforeducators.com/Chinese%20New%20Year/chinesenyclip-9.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/deardiary.jpg)
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Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... However, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.
One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... Luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... So she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over.
He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver one at a time & asked them to identify them by color & flavor.
The children began to say,"Red-cherry; Yellow-lemon ; Green-lime",etc.
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After tasting them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out & yelled,"Quick everybody, spit them out-they're assholes!!"
(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/7655/kids041ms4.gif)
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Oops!!!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-f.jpg)
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Couch-potato Kitty 8)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-g.jpg)
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Two more Jack & Ennis look-alikes. Jack on the left and Ennis on the right. I love this pic! :-* :-* Looks like it might have been taken up on Brokeback! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-h.jpg)
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You thought that one was cute, David. What about this lil cutey . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-c.jpg)
[[[Puppy]]]
Awww! I thought that was a stuffed toy animal until I looked at it closer! :D
He's cute!!
-
A guy is driving around Tennessee and sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/2.gif)
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
listing in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
metals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/3.gif)
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
-
An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough he sees the them near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The old couple by this time have recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches.
He says "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago?
The old fellow replies " Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn`t electrified.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/electrician.gif)
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hey, Kerry,
David told me to post this here! (HE thinks it is CUTE!!)
(http://bumpshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/hogzilla2.jpg)
crazy isnt he??
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hey, Kerry,
David told me to post this here! (HE thinks it is CUTE!!)
(http://bumpshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/hogzilla2.jpg)
crazy isnt he??
She LYIN', she LYIN', her mama said she's LYIN!!!
I said it was disgusting!
>:( >:(
And it is!! :P
-
YOU lie!
You said it was cute, you wish you had one AND!! that you wish you could eat some of that bacon!
(you even said YUM!)
-
YOU lie!
You said it was cute, you wish you had one AND!! that you wish you could eat some of that bacon!
(you even said YUM!)
What's your doctor's number? I'm calling him tomorrow. You need your medications changed! >:(
You've gone delusional on us Jess!
-
What's your doctor's number? I'm calling him tomorrow. You need your medications changed! >:(
You've gone delusional on us Jess!
*singsong voice*
I'm rubber!
YOU'RE glue!
Everything YOU say bounces off me!
and sticks to YOU!!
:P :P
-
hey, Kerry,
David told me to post this here! (HE thinks it is CUTE!!)
(http://bumpshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/hogzilla2.jpg)
crazy isnt he??
OK, now you've reeeeally got me curious. ???
I can see that the name of the pic is "hogzilla" and that it makes David wanna eat bacon. :o
Trouble is, all I can see is a little white square with a red cross in it! :-\
Which is what's making me very, very curious, indeed! ???
Moving right along, here's a cute roadsign that I found on the Net. The original poster claims she saw it in Indiana. If that's the case, could our resident Indianan kindly explain to this humble Aussie what on earth it means? Over to you, David! ;D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-m.jpg)
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OK, now you've reeeeally got me curious. ???
I can see that the name of the pic is "hogzilla" and that it makes David wanna eat bacon. :o
Trouble is, all I can see is a little white square with a red box in it! :-\
Which is what's making me very, very curious, indeed! ???
Moving right along, here's a cute roadsign that I found on the Net. The original poster claims she saw it in Indiana. If that's the case, could our resident Indianan kindly explain to this humble Aussie what on earth it means? Over to you, David! ;D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-m.jpg)
go to this link...I can see it wonder why you can't? ???
anyway!! (it is worth looking at!! :o )
http://bumpshack.com/2007/05/25/1051-pound-boar-killed-by-11-year-old/ (http://bumpshack.com/2007/05/25/1051-pound-boar-killed-by-11-year-old/)
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OK, now you've reeeeally got me curious. ???
I can see that the name of the pic is "hogzilla" and that it makes David wanna eat bacon. :o
Trouble is, all I can see is a little white square with a red cross in it! :-\
Which is what's making me very, very curious, indeed! ???
Moving right along, here's a cute roadsign that I found on the Net. The original poster claims she saw it in Indiana. If that's the case, could our resident Indianan kindly explain to this humble Aussie what on earth it means? Over to you, David! ;D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-m.jpg)
What? Just because I live here, you want me to translate the signs for you Kerry!
I guess it means if there's an animal up ahead they'll flash the sign for us! :laugh: :laugh:
They print a whole different driver's manual for Indiana, just because of our signs! Okay, I'm exaggerating. But I did see one the other day that read "Warning: Deer Crossing" and it was on Meridian Street in downtown Indianapolis! I guess that goes to show you just how country we are here!
Okay, I lied. I didn't really see it. I'm tired! Me and Alex are going to bed!
You got me all confused Kerry! Shame on you! >:(
:laugh: :laugh:
-
go to this link...I can see it wonder why you can't? ???
anyway!! (it is worth looking at!! :o )
http://bumpshack.com/2007/05/25/1051-pound-boar-killed-by-11-year-old/ (http://bumpshack.com/2007/05/25/1051-pound-boar-killed-by-11-year-old/)
Ugh! Yucky-Poo! :o
That IS indeed disgusting! Thank you so much for posting it, Jess (NOT!) :( ;)
Which one of the two fat pigs in that pic do you find most disgusting, David? ???
It's enough to put one off bacon for life! :-\
Excuse me while I rush off and have a technicolour yawn! (that's Australian for "barf"!) :( ;) :laugh:
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What? Just because I live here, you want me to translate the signs for you Kerry!
I guess it means if there's an animal up ahead they'll flash the sign for us! :laugh: :laugh:
They print a whole different driver's manual for Indiana, just because of our signs! Okay, I'm exaggerating. But I did see one the other day that read "Warning: Deer Crossing" and it was on Meridian Street in downtown Indianapolis! I guess that goes to show you just how country we are here!
Okay, I lied. I didn't really see it. I'm tired! Me and Alex are going to bed!
You got me all confused Kerry! Shame on you! >:(
:laugh: :laugh:
That's a wonderful idea, David. We need those devices here in Australia. A lot of our native animals are killed on the roads here. :'(
-
Bad hair day (hey, I know the feeling!) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-i.jpg)
-
"Hellllll-oooo, baby! You wanna come back to my place and read a little Proust?" ;) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-j.jpg)
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hey, Kerry,
David told me to post this here! (HE thinks it is CUTE!!)
(http://bumpshack.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/hogzilla2.jpg)
crazy isnt he??
As my dear old Mum used to say, "There's nothing new under the sun." Here's proof (is that a banjo I hear?) . . . :o
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/synth-18771.jpg)
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Sexy new Aussie ads for 7 Eleven Slurpee Juices entitle Something Juicy for the Ladies.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/slurp01.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/slurp02.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/slurp03.jpg)
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey continued motioning. "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" (http://bestsmileys.com/cars/9.gif)motioned the monkey.
-
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer :-\ ) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" ???
The boy said, "Yes, she did.."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. :o Have your mother explain that to you."
:-X
-
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/martini_1.jpg)
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Four Men And Their Dogs
Four men -- an engineer, an accountant, a chemist, and a government worker -- were bragging about how smart their dogs (http://planetsmilies.net/animal-smiley-4888.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)were.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed: that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed: that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed: that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home on sick leave
-
Four Men And Their Dogs
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Tee-hee, that's a good one, Dottie! :laugh:
- from Kerry and his fellow "government workers" (we're called "public servants" here) in Oz. :laugh:
-
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER . . . . .
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!! :D
-
Great advice from the Land Down Under!
Thanks Kerry! :D
-
Great advice from the Land Down Under!
Thanks Kerry! :D
Vegemite eaten daily on toast at breakfast time also helps to keep one young!!! ;) ;) :laugh:
-
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
:D
Love it Kerry, definitely words to LIVE by ;D
-
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop Sarah Goldman, an elderly woman burst into
the store.
"I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer.
I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good
singer."
(http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/5167/petbird1mm6.gif)
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about
fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store.
"Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't wantjust because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer." She said
(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/8266/arang7.gif)
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder.
"Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on thecounter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed Mrs. Goldman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you ? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed,
"Lady what do you want a singer ? ... or a dancer?"
(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/2599/10tc7.gif)
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(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/6023/motorcona1.gif)A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road.
The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared. (http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/4888/land05ur7.gif)
"What's going on here, ma'am?"
"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another."
The cop looked inside her car and sighed. "Ma'am. That's your air freshener."(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/4725/magictree200602241131thvl6.jpg)
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This one so reminds me of some "get a hair cut" arguments between my Dad and Teddy when we were teenagers in the early 70's :D
A young boy just received his driving permit. He asks his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later, the boy comes back and asks his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
-
Shhhhhhh, beauty sleep in progress.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-k.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-l.jpg)
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Stay cooooool, man! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-o.jpg)
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Apologies for this being a little OT. It's more cute than funny, I guess, but I couldn't resist posting it! :-* :)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-p.jpg)
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Beautiful picture kerry no apologies needed as far as I can see..... no this little guy's another story
Dog Holder
Is he wearing his seatbelt?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/dogholder.jpg)
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This gives new meaning to the term "beach balls" :o
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/beachballs.jpg)
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Beautiful picture kerry no apologies needed as far as I can see..... no this little guy's another story
Dog Holder
Is he wearing his seatbelt?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/dogholder.jpg)
Aaaawwww! That lil guy is sooooo cute! MEGA-cute! I'm getting all broody, here! :D
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This one is NOT funny...My initial reaction was "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT ARE THOSE PARENTS THINKING!!!" but I guess that is a cultural reaction and I would not feel that way if I were reared in an area where Giant Pythons were a common everyday thing. Although I grew up with coyotes, black bears, mountain lions, gray wolves, badgers and rattle snakes and I don't feel real warm and fussy towards any of them either....but then we didn't try to keep them as PETS! ::Shudder::(http://bestsmileys.com/expressions/1.gif)
(http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/8846/petpythonlt0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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This one is NOT funny...My initial reaction was "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT ARE THOSE PARENTS THINKING!!!" but I guess that is a cultural reaction and I would not feel that way if I were reared in an area where Giant Pythons were a common everyday thing. Although I grew up with coyotes, black bears, mountain lions, gray wolves, badgers and rattle snakes and I don't feel real warm and fussy towards any of them either....but then we didn't try to keep them as PETS! ::Shudder::(http://bestsmileys.com/expressions/1.gif)
:o Oh, ugh, looking at that photo makes me feel soooo nervous. :P Snakes? No, snakes are not me. :-\ Snakes are not one of my things. Right up there with spiders! >:( ;) :)
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That'll teach me not to sit up all night with David, drinking whiskey over at the 1000+ Club! :( ;) :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-s.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-r.jpg)
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Moooooooove over big boy! Class act coming through! 8)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-q.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-u.jpg)
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Hey, wipe that grin off your face! Are you stoned or something? (Stupid rock!)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/003.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/002.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Senior Citizens Bus Trip
A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!" :o
-
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known!!
-
THE SCOTSMAN'S KILT
(http://img399.imageshack.us/img399/1417/kicksheeplr5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman who is young and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.
They crept up to the sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth
They marveled for a moment then one said we'd best be gone
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
They took a blue silk ribbon and they tied it in a bow
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show
The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a tree
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
He said, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"
(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/6826/bluebowcs0.gif)
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Kitty Porn ?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/catpussy.png)
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A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Aw, hell, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
(http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/2802/hillbillyyh5.gif)
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she
notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the
intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old
poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle
nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but
the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard
is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead
of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get
close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.
Don't mess with old people ... age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! B-S and brilliance only come with
age and experience!
-
Kitty Porn ?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/catpussy.png)
Here's more Kitty Porn, Dottie. A disgusting scene from a Kitty Massage Parlour. Tst! ::)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-w.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/004.jpg)
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Here's another gorgeous photo of two lil Jack & Ennis look-alikes, Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. Up to some mischief by the look of it. :-* :-* :)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/008.jpg)
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Here's another gorgeous photo of two lil Jack & Ennis look-alikes, Jack on the right and Ennis on the left. Up to some mischief by the look of it. :-* :-* :)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/008.jpg)
Well, if they have to climb up a tree to do what ever it is they're gonna do, it MUST be pretty bad Kerry.
..... or kinky. 8)
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ever lose faith in your Doctor ??? Not a good moment ::)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/CBOEclown.jpg)
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Things You Can Get Away With Saying Only During the Holidays
(warning this is rude, naughty and perverse if, like me, you have your mind in the gutter ;) )
:o I prefer breasts to legs.
:o Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
:o Smother the butter all over the breasts!
:o If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
:o I've never seen a better spread!
:o I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
:o Are you ready for seconds yet?
:o It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
:o Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
:o Don't play with your meat.
:o Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
:o Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once
:o I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
:o You still have a little bit on your chin.
:o How long will it take after you put it in?
:o You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
:o Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
:o That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
:o I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning and finally I'm full!
:o Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
:laugh: I may NEVER be able to sit through another holiday meal with a straight face EVER again :laugh:
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ever lose faith in your Doctor ??? Not a good moment ::)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/CBOEclown.jpg)
:laugh: That is an absolute hoot, Dottie! I am laughing out loud here, in Sydney, Australia! :laugh:
I'll be distributing that one here at work (a hospital!!!) :laugh:
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Things You Can Get Away With Saying Only During the Holidays
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Here's the guy to whom all those quotes could probably be attributed! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-x.jpg)
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Dare to be different!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/111kkk-y.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh:
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:laugh: Good ones Kerry
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently
married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced he Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them and say "oh yes I do!"
(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)
and now you know the rest of the story
(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/thgigdog.gif)
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[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBVjsziLLj8[/youtube]
Nimble little fella isn't he.... (http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m90/heatwave_photos/hyena1.gif)
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[Nimble little fella isn't he.... (http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m90/heatwave_photos/hyena1.gif)
:laugh: Hilarious! :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/001.jpg)
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(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/40fran/hungoverbarbie.jpg)
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensie tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the NapaValleyto open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the television, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/sawyounaked.png)
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day.
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from all de skippin'!!!!!" (http://bestsmileys.com/stpatricsday/2.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh:
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Kerry - I love your Komedy Klub!
Well done Kerry and Dottie! (http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/piano.gif)
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Kerry - I love your Komedy Klub!
Well done Kerry and Dottie! (http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/piano.gif)
Thank ya kindly, Sharon. :D
I am but the humble apprentice to Dottie's sorcerer here. Dottie makes me laugh every day. Thank you, Dottie! :-*
Please feel free to post all your funnies here, Sharon. Funny pictures, cartoons, jokes. They're all welcome here. :D
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I am but the humble apprentice to Dottie's sorcerer here. Dottie makes me laugh every day. Thank you, Dottie! :-*
Kerry you are too kind. I prefer to think of us as in this together, more like the Clown Prince and Princess if your were :laugh: but I am touched and very pleased that I have been able to bring you a chuckle occassionally. :-*
(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/6905/art809bs9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Yes, Kerry and Dottie are the King and Queen of comedy in these parts Sharon.
And the rest of us come in here every now and then and laugh like fools.
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Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND...........
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time
He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
-
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side;
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,"
he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused, removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your ********* attitude, you never will."
(http://img474.imageshack.us/img474/4058/jackandjillbi5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Uhmm...O.K. ... so Where did they bury the rest of him ???
(http://img469.imageshack.us/img469/8575/hiscockyf7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement..." ;D
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:laugh: :laugh:
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
"GET HIM SPIKE!"
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Subject: Bob's Story
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because
of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed,
Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Bob died suddenly on May 27th.
The police report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...
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[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=7EAbDTqHNY4[/youtube]
Defintely enough to swear some folks off parenthood forever! That or drive condom sales through the roof!
Little Monster :laugh:
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Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND...........
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.
He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time
He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Dottie, where did you find all this info about Aussie men?! ;) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/012.jpg)
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Baaaaaaaaad dog!!!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/006.jpg)
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Thank ya kindly, Sharon. :D
Please feel free to post all your funnies here, Sharon. Funny pictures, cartoons, jokes. They're all welcome here. :D
Thank you Kerry for inviding me to post some funny stuff, but for the beginning I think I will look on you both
- King and Queen of comedy - for a while.
(The speed is very high here)
Kerry you are too kind. I prefer to think of us as in this together, more like the Clown Prince and Princess if your were :laugh: but I am touched and very pleased that I have been able to bring you a chuckle occassionally. :-*
Yes, Kerry and Dottie are the King and Queen of comedy in these parts Sharon.
And the rest of us come in here every now and then and laugh like fools.
The combination of both - Kerry and Dottie - makes this Klub to what it is.
- WONDERFULL -
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LOST DOG
(http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/8374/zippyzoomdressedup221rr4.jpg)
3 Legs, Blind in left Eye,
Missing Right Ear, Tail Broken,
Recently castrated...
Answers to the name of
"LUCKY".
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Is Anybody There?
This is the story about four people...
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it,
but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought
Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody would not do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
.....Somebody ???
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Nurses Go to Heaven
Three nurses went to heaven, and were waiting a turn to plead their case to St. Peter to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/228/defribillationnu0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
(http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/8219/sparepartxh8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
(http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/6035/catscanaimow9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
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(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/9907/standupei5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Puppy Porn
(http://img484.imageshack.us/img484/8704/dogpcfunpicslx0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Shhheeeessshhh they're as bad as the kitties! ;) ;D :laugh:
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Thank you Kerry for inviding me to post some funny stuff, but for the beginning I think I will look on you both
- King and Queen of comedy - for a while.
(The speed is very high here)
The combination of both - Kerry and Dottie - makes this Klub to what it is.
- WONDERFULL -
Thank ya kindly, Sharon. That was a very sweet thing to say. :)
It's good to laugh! And therapeutic, too! :D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/010.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/015.jpg)
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5 toughest questions a person can ask a their significant other!
The questions are:
What are you thinking about? Do you love me? Do I look fat? Do you think she is prettier than me? What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the questioned answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent partner you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much better looking they are than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think he/she's better looking than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: (using he/she gender to simplify reading could be same sex partners as well )
She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
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Having a bad day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better? ? ? ? ::)
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Honeymoon At Home
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnnie, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnnie asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnnie comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnnie says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school." ;
After school, Johnnie comes home and asks again, "Are Fred
and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of Vaseline and I
think..... I gave him my airplane glue." (http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f314/coreycrew/ooops.gif)
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Excerpts from a dog dairy.. (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/thgigdog.gif)
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpt from the cat's diary (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/cat24.gif)
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9421/1151313229ce1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/5119/countryif8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
;) I always wondered about the Lone Ranger...he was just so NEAT and he never kissed the girl. :D
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(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9049/titanicpicgonewrongqy4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://images.yuku.com/image/gif/8ff15540e02e174ec1c3a3963e9754d9e686b1a.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh:
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A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in his town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.
(http://img352.imageshack.us/img352/2124/358414444a55cb4d543oie6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks:
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." ;)
(http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/4325/randtet9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/viagra.jpg)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/viagra.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: Good one Sharon...Keep posting :D
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/viagra.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Humour/Goldfish.jpg)
(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/embarrased.gif)(http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j300/scotie2000/Laughing/c5Flaugh.gif)
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The UK is Repossessing the USA!
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_8_1.gif)
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which She does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded (a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed).
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit Will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion Tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is nderstandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Regards
John Cleese
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:laugh: :laugh:
That was a good one, Dottie! Even my British boyfriend enjoyed it! :D
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Truth--As I was reading Dot's John Cleese piece silently just now--even tho I'm a native Arkansan--the voice inside my head was reading to myself in an English accent. :P LOL
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Some of these are hilarious and totally transcend sexual orientation (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/teehee.gif) (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/naughty.gif)
101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
::)
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Embarassing E.R. Trip Number 35 :o
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/humor030.jpg)
(http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f314/coreycrew/ooops.gif)
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Note from Management
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to
learn to manage your money better, so that you
may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same
time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH!:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders” category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
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Are you a Harvard Scholar?
This was developed by an R & D department at Harvard. Take your
time and see if you can read each line without a mistake. The average
person over forty can't do it.
1.This is this cat.
2.This is is cat.
3.This is how cat.
4.This is to cat.
5.This is keep cat.
6.This is an cat.
7.This is old cat.
8.This is fart cat.
9.This is busy cat
10.This is for cat
11.This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down. :D
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/management-lesson.jpg)
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Two peanuts were walking down the street together.
One of them was a salted.
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Two peanuts were walking down the street together.
One of them was a salted.
:laugh:
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"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/1.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Dachshund: "You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Rottweiler: "Make me."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Boxer: "Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Lab: "Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)German Shepherd: "I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Jack Russell Terrier: "I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Old English Sheep Dog: "Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! "
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Cocker Spaniel: "Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Chihuahua: "Yo quiero Taco Bulb."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Pointer: "I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Greyhound: "It isn't moving. Who cares?"
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Australian Shepherd: "First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Pomeranian: "I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/4.gif)Poodle: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/013.jpg)
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I'm sure it's just my warped sense of humour, but I find this absolutely hilarious! :laugh:
Can't remember where I found it on the Net. The title of the pic is "Sarge Demonstration." Can anyone (ex Service personnel?) shed a little light on what on earth the Sarge is demonstrating? Besides the obvious, that is! :-* :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Sarge_demonstration1.jpg)
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How To Shower Like a Woman(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/1.gif)
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/2.gif)
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow you' re nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/3.gif)
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How To Shower Like a Man(http://bestsmileys.com/bath/2.gif)
Dottie, you have precisely described, with startling accuracy, the showering habits of the Australian male!!! :laugh:
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Lost Churches of Louisiana
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired
an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a
woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total
and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their
lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those
other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years.
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/1836/g1555yk6.jpg)
We gets our chicken from Popeye's".
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/7250/popeyesey0.jpg)
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
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(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/7176/adgermany070607no0.jpg)
Funny ad from Germany ... "In packaged meat only the package is appealing. Hans Wagner - Organic since always."
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(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/706/jakegyllehaal07060703xq7.jpg)
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(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/706/jakegyllehaal07060703xq7.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love it!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/014-1.jpg)
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(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/7176/adgermany070607no0.jpg)
Funny ad from Germany ... "In packaged meat only the package is appealing. Hans Wagner - Organic since always."
JAWOHL, FÜR`N ARSCH!
I agree with this statement
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Funny-White-Gorrila-Smiling.jpg)
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/funny-cat.jpg)
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/funny-monkey-1.jpg)
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Some Cool Canines 8)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/5885/funnydog2wv8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/369/cooldudewilliebc1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/249141EJmI_w.jpg)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/5572/starisbornfd5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/1253/hounddogod9.jpg)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/1038/funnydogql7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/9599/stevanhoggwk6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Butt Dust
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. . No adult is this creative!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is! he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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The Cuckoo Clock
(http://img454.imageshack.us/img454/4084/cuckooclockkn7.gif)
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realising my wife would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when
totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her, "Midnight".
She didn't seem pissed off at all. Phew! Got away with that one!
Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh, sh1t.", cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Butt Dust
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Paddy was having a few pints at the local one Friday night.
He was enjoying the atmosphere with his mates and stayed far longer than he should have.
He passed out at some point during the evening and woke to find himself lying in the gutter outside the pub.
He tried to get up but fell straight back down again.
"Sh*t," he thought to himself, "I must really be very drunk. I know, I'll try to crawl home."
He lived just around the corner from the pub, so he crawled a way and then tried to stand up again.
Whap!
He fell flat on his face again.
After a couple of hours of this, accompanied by the occasional barf along the way, he finally got home.
He managed to get himself into bed, alongside his wife. He was grateful that she didn't wake up, because he knew she would be very cross with him for getting so drunk.
His wife let him sleep-in the following morning. At about 10 o'clock she came into the bedroom to wake him.
"Paddy! You were drunk again last night! Admit it!"
"Indeed I wasn't at all drunk, at all, at all," replied Paddy, "What makes you accuse me of such a dreadful thing?"
"Because the pub just phoned, and you left you're wheelchair there again last night," replied his wife.
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.
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JUST A TAP
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed,(http://bestsmileys.com/scared/7.gif)
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
(http://bestsmileys.com/cars/12.gif)
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."(http://bestsmileys.com/scared/4.gif)
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much.(http://bestsmileys.com/angles/19.gif)
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif)
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ZEISS
Victory Compact
Binoculars
- see everything 10 times bigger -
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Zeiss1.jpg)
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HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL ... YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS
AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS 'WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
HMMM .OR COULD HE?? ?
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I HAD A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT
DID YOU TEACH?"
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Great one Shasta542 and so TRUE :D
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" :)
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" ;)
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'" >:(
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Strange, Odd, Funny and just plain weird residents from around the world
The blog I got these from claims this first one is the infamous Treehouse in the Hollywood Hills that was purchased by Heath and Michele from Ellen Degeneres....I don't know but if it is looks pretty darn cool.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_06.jpg)
???
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_21.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_20.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_19.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_18.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_17.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_14.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_15.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_16.jpg)
Look at the next one carefully...it's a dragon :D
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_22.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_12.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_09.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_08.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_07.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_05.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_04.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_03.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_02.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_01.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_06.jpg)
This is the only one I like, Dottie! :D
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The eldest son of Queen Elizabeth II, HRH Prince Charles, mounted on a horse that looks remarkable like his wife, Camilla! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/charlesmounted.jpg)
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Dog Prayers
(http://img45.imageshack.us/img45/8435/boydogprayip5.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Heavenly Father, When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Blessed Lord, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,The colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Just one question Lord, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)If it please you Lord , More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Almighty Lord, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Oh God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Almighty God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/praying20smiley.gif)Lord hear my prayer, May I have my testicles back?
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(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7803/wantedposterms2.jpg)
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/4375/goldenpupsinabasketad0.jpg)
A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/happy-birthday.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_18.jpg)
I love the building above, I think it's in Vienna isn't it?
I'm afraid I'm not a big fan of Ellen's wannabe Jetsons abode. There is just something about the cladding (is that clapboard?), and the many support beams, that makes it look like "outsider art" instead of architecture.
Speaking of support beams, below is one of my favourite buildings here in Toronto:
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/ocad.jpg)
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I'm afraid I'm not a big fan of Ellen's wannabe Jetsons abode. There is just something about the cladding (is that clapboard?), and the many support beams, that makes it look like "outsider art" instead of architecture.
Speaking of "outsider art," how about the Sydney Opera House, in my home town?! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/opera_house2.jpg)
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Oilgun, I'm really not at all sure what part a town that building's in - I never heard of - or seen it before.
I'm sure you are aware of the beautiful indoor art architecture that is the Toronto Reference Library. If I'm showin someone around town, and the library's open, I always make it a point ta go show em.
Tried ta google a decent image of it, wasn't very successful:
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Toronto_reference_library_2nd_floor_view.jpg/250px-Toronto_reference_library_2nd_floor_view.jpg) (http://www.tpl.toronto.on.ca/images/pro_trl_exhibits_2002_trl1977.jpg) (http://www.pictureninja.com/pages/canada/ontario/t-toronto-reference-library.jpg)
and a view of the outside of it ...
(http://www.mtarch.com/mtamtlcorner.gif)
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I'm sure you are aware of the beautiful indoor art architecture that is the Toronto Reference Library. If I'm showin someone around town, and the library's open, I always make it a point ta go show em.
The State Library of New South Wales is always worth a visit when visiting Sydney. You can take a virtual tour here:
http://www.atmitchell.com/about/visit/virtual.cfm
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/moir-paris.jpg)
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First Snow
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Snowflakes.jpg)
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How To Photograph A Puppy
(http://img465.imageshack.us/img465/2323/hungrypuppybr0.jpg)
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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(http://img465.imageshack.us/img465/4451/dogtroublesop5.jpg)
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(http://img465.imageshack.us/img465/8969/parrotcartoonof2.jpg)
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(http://img465.imageshack.us/img465/2782/meancatseb0.jpg)
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(http://img465.imageshack.us/img465/2782/meancatseb0.jpg)
Damn, why haven't I thought of this before now? I'll be spiking the tea urn at work with Prozac, first thing in the morning! :laugh:
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Have I already posted this one? (I forget)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BushPope-1.jpg)
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Oilgun, I'm really not at all sure what part a town that building's in - I never heard of - or seen it before.
Roland, I can't believe you're in TO and never saw the new addition of the Ontario College of Art! It's one of the most eye-catching structures in the city. Anyway it's at 100 McCaul St. just south of Dundas and looks best when approaching it from the south on McCaul.
I also have a thing for narrow buildings.
Here's the most bizarre, and narrowest, I could find:
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/user756_1154316378.jpg)
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/user756_1154316536.jpg)
This one is pretty cool:
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/153497708_c1ba95d021.jpg)
My all time favourite (I get tingles everytime see pictures of it) is minimalist architect Tadao Ando's award-winning Azuma House in Osaka:
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/Photo-2.jpg)
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/azumafinalverymanymanygoodmedm.jpg)
Yes, the first image is the front door, talk about minimalist, lol!
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OH, THE PITY OF THE OLD AGE
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home.
She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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ROMANCE?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my damn teeth," he replied.
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/2pieces.jpg)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/funnycartoons1001.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh:
Those were good, Sharon!
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(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/user756_1154316378.jpg)
(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/user756_1154316536.jpg)
You mean somebody actually lives in there? I can't imagine it. It would be like living in a hallway. ???
I wonder where the staircase is located? It must be at the very back of the house.
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I love looking for narrow buildings too. This one is something. ;D
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Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewy were on the bus home from elementary
school, when a fire engine zoomed past their bus with blaring sirens.
The three kids noticed a Dalmatian dog on the
front seat of the fire engine, and Ricky said: "They use that dog to
keep crowds back."
"No," said Jimmy, "he’s just for good luck."
But Stewy knew better: "No, the dog is giving
them directions to the nearest fire hydrant."
(http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/3460/dogfirhydrantlinezh2.gif)
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Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their
pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that
used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend
complained about him and I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like
that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards.
(http://img485.imageshack.us/img485/7817/mban280loq4.jpg)
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A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with
a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the
butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note
and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground
beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and
reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup,
gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he
drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a
generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in
change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles.
Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the
lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the
corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the
dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there,"
comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
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:laugh: Thanks for your fun posts, Dottie and Sharon. I'm off to bed now, with a big smile on my face! :laugh:
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Howdy Kerry
Are you still here ? Your Komedy Klub is AWESOME ;D The posters are superb ;D LOTS of laughs !!! ;D Have you checked out the Vintage Beefcake thread today? I saw it last night and decided not to make a comment. ;D The reply I am referring to might disappear if I comment on it ;D
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Have you checked out the Vintage Beefcake thread today? I saw it last night and decided not to make a comment. ;D The reply I am referring to might disappear if I comment on it ;D
Sorry Doug he had to go. You don't want the Sheriff after me do you ;) I posted a few others to help take the sting out of deleting that beautiful man.
:-*
And since we seem to be on a theme here this is my favorite nake man joke:
A man was sleeping with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came around. Just as they got down to business, the doorbell rang. The woman went downstairs and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."
The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally naked, so he hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up and joined them.
After a while, he started talking to one of them.
"So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long," he replied.
"What about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out," the man replied. :laugh:
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A man owns a business and has two employees; Jane and Jack. They're both very good employees but business has been bad and he finds he has to cut back on staff and lay one of them off. But which one?
They are both equally industrious and productive. He wracks his brains for hours and finally decides that he will watch them the next day and lay off the first one that takes a break.
Well, the next day comes and the man is watching but both Jack and Jane are being very industrious. Neither of them so much as looks up from their desk for hours. And then, finally, shortly before lunch, Jane gets up and goes to the water cooler. The man gets up and joins her at the water cooler to deliver the bad news.
"Jane," he says. "I have to lay you or Jack off."
She replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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30 Harsh Things You Might Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's okay, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird. | (http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/3024/1000ym8.gif) |
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Armageddon
George and James were chatting in a bar.
George said, "What would you do if you heard the world was to end in fifteen minutes?"
"I'd screw anything that moved", said James. "What would you do?"
George said, "I'd stand perfectly still."(http://bestsmileys.com/wow/4.gif)
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Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my partner for his birthday. He has everything, and besides, he can afford to buy anything he wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that he can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway he wants it. He'll probably be thrilled."
So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did he like it?"
"Oh yes! He jumped up, thanked me, kissed me hard, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!" :-\
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Howdy Kerry
Are you still here ? Your Komedy Klub is AWESOME ;D The posters are superb ;D LOTS of laughs !!! ;D Have you checked out the Vintage Beefcake thread today? I saw it last night and decided not to make a comment. ;D The reply I am referring to might disappear if I comment on it ;D
I'm very glad you are enjoying KKK, Doug. I enjoy visiting here every night. Dottie sends me off to bed every night, laughing! And that's such a lovely way to end the day. Thank you for all your wonderful posts, Dottie. :D
About "that" post over at Vintage Beefcake, yes, I did see it last night (and downloaded a copy for my own collection!!!! ::) ). I have accidentally done the same thing in the past, myself. Prior to posting, you view the pics as thumbnails and post them in good faith, not realising that there are certain untoward aspects of the subjects anatomy peeking! An innocent mistake. I toyed with the idea of letting the poster know, but decided against it. I wanted others to enjoy the pic, as much as I had. The guy in the photo was so handsome. I love those handsome, clean-cut, square-jawed, brilliantined guys from the 1950s. They're so very masculine. Oozing testosterone! Hot! (Hope you didn't get int too much trouble, Dottie! ;) :) )
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30 Harsh Things You Might Say To A Naked Man
|
:laugh: I'm laughing so much here, I've got a tummy ache! :laugh:
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Fred & Ginger . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger1.jpg)
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More Fred & Ginger . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger2.jpg)
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Cute sheep! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger3.jpg)
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A woman goes into her lawyer's office and requests a divorce. While taking down her background information, he asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
The woman replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30am and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated, the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident, she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point, the lawyer loses his patience and asks, "Look, lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!" ;D
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies, "Four."
The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"(http://bestsmileys.com/whisper/1.gif)
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Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very much. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".
Adam: "Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."
God: "Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for them."
Adam: "No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."
God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."
Adam: "Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"
God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."
Adam: "Which am I?"
God: "You, Adam, are a male."
Adam: "Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."
God: "All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."
So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: "Yes, Adam."
Adam:"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"
God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."
Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: "Yes, Adam."
Adam: "What's a headache?" (http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/3683/cartoonue0.gif)
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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.
My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
(http://img105.imageshack.us/img105/3333/noahwn2.jpg)
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(http://bestsmileys.com/cowboy1/21.gif)Blond Cowboy
The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.
The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'
So here I am."
(http://bestsmileys.com/cowboy1/8.gif)
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The blond teenager has just graduated from high school and will soon be heading off to university.
As she comes from a poor family, she must work and take as many odd jobs as she can find, to pay for her university education.
So she goes around the neighbourhood, knocking on doors, and asking if her neighbours have any odd jobs she can do.
She knocks on the door of a grand old house in an adjoining neighbourhood. The people living there obviously have lots of money, she thinks, and she hopes they'll pay her generously.
The owner opens the door and the blond asks if he has any odd jobs to be done.
He thinks for a moment and responds that the porch needs painting. He offers her $20 to do the job and she accepts.
He shows her to the garage where the paint is located and leaves her to it.
When he gets back to the house, his wife asks who was at the door.
When he tells her that he has hired the blond to paint the porch for only $20, his wife is horrified.
"How could you do such a thing?" she says.
"You're such a cheapskate. That's a very big porch. It'll take her all weekend to paint it, and you're only paying her $20?! You should be ashamed of yourself."
"OK, OK," he says. "I'll pay her $100 for painting the porch."
About an hour later, the door bell rings and the man goes to see who's there.
It's the blond. She tells him she's finished the painting.
The man is surprised to see her after only an hour and says, "How can you possible be finished so soon?"
"It wasn't difficult at all. Can I have my $20 please?"
"Oh, and by the way," she adds with smile, pocketing the $20, "It isn't a porch (Porsche) at all. It's a Ferrari."
The moral of this tale? "You get what you pay for."
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:laugh: :laugh:
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A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.
The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all.
One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?"
"No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little."
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"
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Signs You're A Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an identical twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. "Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. Your moral is: I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!
15. You don't recognize your wife unless she's seen from the bottom of a glass.
16. That dammned pink elephant followed you home again.
17. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
18. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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OK friends here's my last one for tonight:
Another Rotten Day
How you can tell when it's going to be a rotten day?
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
7. Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
9. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
10. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
11. Your income check bounces.
12. Your pet rock snaps at you.
13. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
14. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
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Here's more from Fred & Ginger. I hope you're finding them amusing. I'm not sure if the slang used in Australia translates over to the USA. For example, in a previous post, Fred is seen in bed with a couple of "tarts." The word "tart" in this country, as well as meaning a small sweet cake, also translates colloquially and derogatorily as "a woman of compromised virtue." Not sure if it has that same meaning in America.
Likewise, in this one, "crumpet" is a euphemism for "sex" here in Oz. Is it the same in America? If not, let me give you an example of how the word "crumpet" is used in that sense. Instead of saying, "I'm looking forward to a f*ck tonight," you would more politely say "I'm looking forward to some crumpet tonight."
We're a weird mob! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger6.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger4.jpg)
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Being "legless" means you're drunk. :P
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ginger5.jpg)
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LOTS of FUN, Kerry. :laugh: Thanks for giving insight to meaning of terms unique to OZ.... I guess :laugh:
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(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s164/BHohertz_photos/ComicsFunnies/GasGuzzler.jpg)
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(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s164/BHohertz_photos/ComicsFunnies/CartoonSheep.jpg)
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(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s164/BHohertz_photos/ComicsFunnies/GasPumpCredit.jpg)
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(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s164/BHohertz_photos/ComicsFunnies/FuelWallet.jpg)
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Genuine Quiz show answers
This is well worth reading to the end (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/LOL.gif)
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay .
Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!
Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe ?
Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo !
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare .
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F
4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil
8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde .
10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail
15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25 ) Something slippery? - A conman
26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30 ) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .
Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.
Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant : Sydney .
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er...
Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant : Walked?
DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No.
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This guy goes skydiving for the first time.After he jumps out of
the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing
happens.Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the
auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still
does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth,
he sees a woman coming up the other way.
He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
:o
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Letter From The Penis
Dear Management,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don't get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
I think if you consider these points carefully you will agree I am due an increase in compensation.
Very Truly Yours
The Penis
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
Sincerely,
The Management
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Life's Reflections
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BeavisandButthead.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/011.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/nuts.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/nuts.jpg)
WHOA!!!!
Alrighty then, Kerry! :D
-
WHOA!!!!
Alrighty then, Kerry! :D
I posted it as a public service, David. Don't want any of my BetterMost chums to come down with an allergic reaction! ::) ;) ;) ;) :laugh:
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/dial.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
OOOOoooopppps !!!! I was laughing SO hard I didn't notice I was replying to my previous reply ;)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
OOOOoooopppps !!!! I was laughing SO hard I didn't notice I was replying to my previous reply ;)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d76/srp6685/MGG0107.gif)
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(http://img396.imageshack.us/img396/8979/gay20ga20cover20imagevq6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
What exactly IS a Gay Town Limit ??? :laugh:
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(http://img76.imageshack.us/img76/5378/19981005xz4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/967/gay5ao0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/2373/45652mjj2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/609/45961mgs2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/4750/42817moa2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/5985/43497mys6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Tingles and some fire crackers.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 799 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Tygah Lee-Lee" and "Doonegah-Boode".
This is the generation that has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The big type is because your eye-sight is failing at your age!
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1941 for me :laugh:
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1941 for me :laugh:
I ca relate to so many of these things; though, not all! ;) :D
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Wabbits
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/a720.gif)
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any
widdle wabbits?"
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/a6.gif)
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is
on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy
bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/rabb5.gif)
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don't wealy fink my Anaconda
gives a phuc."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/kaa02.gif)
Have a good day everyone ;)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/609/45961mgs2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh:
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WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS .. It sure is hot down here!
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The Mammogram
By Julia Napier©
:laugh:
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!
:laugh:
"Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. " -- Jan King
:laugh:
A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
:laugh:
(http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/9599/manogramsok1.jpg)
::)
If Women Controlled Medicine -- The Manogram
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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TICKLE ME ELMO
(http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/9473/sesamestreetelmolovesyopa4.th.jpg) (http://img232.imageshack.us/my.php?image=sesamestreetelmolovesyopa4.jpg)
A woman desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he has nothing worthy of her. The woman says she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager says he only has a low skilled job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her to the line and explains her duties and that she should report for work at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 the "Tickle Me Elmo" Line Manager is in the Personnel
Manager's office ranting about the woman just hired. After 15 minutes of
screaming about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal
Manager suggests seeing the problem. They head to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. At the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has gathered a big bag of marbles and a roll of the fabric used for making the Elmos. As they watch, she cuts a little piece of fabric
places two marble in it and starts sewing it between Elmo's legs.
The Personal Managers starts rolling on the floor laughing.
After 10 minutes, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry, I guess I didn't make myself clear yesterday.
We want you to give Elmo " two test tickles."
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If you take a look at the following? picture , let me tell you ... it is not animated.? Your eyes are making it move.? To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving.? Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving.? But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it....? Weird?
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v372/Cherihere/photos%20not%20in%20folder/cid_002201c73e86b608d3801a02a8c0Jul.gif?t=1173569031)
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You should see a man's face and also a word...
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v372/Cherihere/photos%20not%20in%20folder/cid_002101c73e86b608d3801a02a8c0Jul.gif?t=1173569258)
See it ?
Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v372/Cherihere/photos%20not%20in%20folder/cid_001e01c73e86b608d3801a02a8c0Jul.gif?t=1173569934)
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.
About that time the cop decides to mention that the man's penis is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
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If you take a look at the following? picture , let me tell you ... it is not animated.? Your eyes are making it move.? To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving.? Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving.? But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it....? Weird?
Yikes! It's ALIVE!!! Spooooo-keeeee! :o
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Eve's side of the story
(http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/7679/titleqq0.gif)
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I
have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're
a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All
the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that
useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
-
Interesting True Tombstones!
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/15.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the
way down. It was.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up And no place to go.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die
Young.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who
lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent
him Anna.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We
planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the
draw.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies
an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif) To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.
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(http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/7969/funny20piccd9.jpg)
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AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?"
Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans
( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his
calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could
spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car
( M ADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN
JOB
At the end of yet another discouraging and
fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ),
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his
sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of
wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV ( MADE
IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a
good paying job in ... AMERICA.....
-
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her
grown grandson Anthony who is coming to visit with his
wife Maria.
You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301 .
There issa bigga panel at the front door.
With you elbow pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in.
Coma inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell.
Grandma, that sounds easy but... why am I hitting all
these buttons with my elbow?
What . . . . . . . .. You coma empty handed? :o
-
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?"
Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans
( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his
calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could
spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car
( M ADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN
JOB
At the end of yet another discouraging and
fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ),
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his
sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of
wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV ( MADE
IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a
good paying job in ... AMERICA.....
Boo-Hoo! Nothing made in AUSTRALIA, Dottie? ???
He could perhaps be wearing a business suit made from AUSTRALIAN wool, be wearing an AUSTRALIAN diamond pinky ring, and be drinking AUSTRALIAN wine (much better than the wine from that other place IMHO). ;) ;) ;) 8)
Best wishes to you and Bob for a wonderful vacation, Dottie! See you in August! I'm counting the days already! :D
-
Hey Kerry,
I think I`m back at the right time.
But Dottie is not here! :'(
I know I will miss her and I will counting the days too!
...many...many...many...many days!
I hope she and Bob have a great time! ;)
Dottie, I wish that your dreams come true! :-*
-
A post for Dottie!
Because you like angels
Here a some funny angels
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/funnycartoons1008.jpg)
Perhaps you can get some computer access and see this before you are back
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/perfect-angel.jpg)
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/catwings.jpg)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/DevilAngelBR.jpg)
-
Happy Monday, everyone! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/KKK51-MON.jpg)
-
Incase my last post didn't cheer-up your Monday blues, perhaps this pic'll do the trick! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/KKK77.jpg)
Can someone please explain to silly ol' me just how it is that those hats seem to be suspended in mid-air? Try as I might, I cannot figure it out!!! ;) ;) ;) ::) :laugh:
-
:o - Yeee Haaaw! - ::)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/13.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK42.jpg)
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/funnycartoons1010.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK37.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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The Rancher's wife
_____________________________
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra and panties." Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped them to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/angels3.jpg)
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A cowboy in Wyoming was overseeing his herd in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to the Internet. He calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, and finally
turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the
Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a politician, probably a congressman', says the cowboy.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'But how did you guess?'
'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows -- this here is a herd of sheep. . .
. . . Now give me back my DOG.'
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Paris-Moir-290607.jpg)
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Welcome back, Shasta542!
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I`m glad your avatar picture is back! I like it! Yes really! Is that you, Kerry?
And the picture under the line is great!
Perfect!
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Keep going it`s nearly the weekend!
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/weekend.gif)
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Thanks, Sharon Amber! I have been looking at and admiring pictures of gorgeous men that you have posted on various threads.
They are YUMMY!! (http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/livepencil_icecream.gif)
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I`m glad your avatar picture is back! I like it! Yes really! Is that you, Kerry?
And the picture under the line is great!
Perfect!
Yes, Sharon, my avatar is a photo of me, taken 18 months ago, on 28 Dec 2005. It's good to be back! :D
I love the pic of Jack napping with the dog. It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from the Annie Proulx original, "Three puppies belonging to one of the blue heelers went in a pack basket, the runt inside Jack's coat, for he loved a little dog."
Always makes me cry. :'(
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Yipee! It's Saturday!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK13.gif)
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Yipee! It's Saturday!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK13.gif)
That's a cute penguin picture!! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK54.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-dogndolphin.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK12.jpg)
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The Skinny Dippers
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
***
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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which just goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK50.jpg)
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Subject: Cold Water
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK75.jpg)
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(http://img394.imageshack.us/img394/6088/866000354787234ea6jo6.jpg)
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/236/00005913ap5.jpg)
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/236/00005913ap5.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh:
Good one Dottie! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK33.jpg)
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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second..... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill to Shaw, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
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Believe It or Not
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
::)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
???
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
:o
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
???
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
;)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have e sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
:-\
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
:-X
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
:P
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
::)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ??? Did the government pay for this research??)
>:(
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
:P
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AWESOME, Dottie. Thanks. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
We hope you are enjoying the balloon festival this weekend ;)
:-*
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AWESOME, Dottie. Thanks. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
We hope you are enjoying the balloon festival this weekend ;)
:-*
Thanks Doug we are, check out my post on my blog (Random Thoughts) over on the Our Daily Thoughts board...
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,5184.0.html (http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,5184.0.html)
In the meantime another little smile:
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/f8a1d065.jpg)
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What begins with F and ends with K?
This is long, but funny.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/dc497724.jpg)
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/cat24.gif)
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."
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Here you go Kerry (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thtempted-1.gif) See you again in about a week! :-*
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thcolgate7cj8if.gif)
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Here you go Kerry (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thtempted-1.gif) See you again in about a week! :-*
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thcolgate7cj8if.gif)
Spit??? ??? ;) :-* :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-aaaKKK5.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Yee-Haw! It's Saturday night! Let's party!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK4.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK52.jpg)
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I love your new avatar, Dottie.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/angel.png)
He's beautiful. :-* :)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK22.gif)
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(http://img477.imageshack.us/img477/5613/sometimescowboysgetlonezp7.jpg)
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(http://img477.imageshack.us/img477/8374/axe2blollk6.jpg)
Nice Towels :laugh:
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DRIVE WITH CARE!
Consider the safety and comfort of your passengers
. . . not to mention the upholstery!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/speeding.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-aaaKKK32.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cinema.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK181.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/sexualharassment.jpg)
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Five Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/3_2_4v.gif)
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour coded."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/36_11_23.gif)
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/36_13_3.gif)
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/15_8_214.gif)
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You' re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/36_17_5.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/1a8d.jpg)
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant & there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
:)
:)
:)
Suddenly she sneezes, & her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
:)
:)
:)
towards the man.
:)
:)
:)
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, & hands it back.
:)
:)
:)
"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says, as she pops her eye back in
place.
:)
:)
:)
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says.
:)
:)
:)
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together & afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams, & he shares his. She listens.
:)
:)
:)
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap & stay for breakfast.
:)
:)
:)
They had a wonderful, wonderful, time.
:)
:)
:)
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
:)
:)
:)
The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
:)
:)
:)
"You know," he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
:)
:)
:)
"No," she replies . . . . . . “
:)
:)
:)
Wait for it . .
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
;D
;D
;D
;D
;D
;D
She says: "You just happened to catch my eye." ;)
:laugh:
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;D tee hee hee
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK49.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK23.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/USED62.jpg)
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The BRITISH <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZN%2526i%253D26%252F26%255F7%255F10%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_7_10.gif)[/url]are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, however, security levels may have to be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have also been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of London in 1666.
The FRENCH <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZN%2526i%253D26%252F26%255F12%255F4%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_12_4.gif)[/url]government also announced yesterday that it had raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". This latest rise was precipitated by a fire that destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
In addition to the British and the French, ITALY <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZN%2526i%253D26%252F26%255F24%255F1%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_24_1.gif)[/url]has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
BELGIANS <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZN%2526i%253D26%252F26%255F19%255F2%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/26/26_19_2.gif)[/url]on the other hand are all on holiday and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Finally the SPANISH <a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZN%2526i%253D6%252F6%255F15%255F10%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/6/6_15_10.gif)[/url]are very excited as their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.[/b]
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/USED53d6.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/USED62.jpg)
YAY!! It's only fair!! ;D
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/USED62.jpg)
Yep, I'd definitely be interested in eating out at dining at "Cocks"! :D
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A possible solution that should perhaps be considered by GWB? It's worth a try! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK161.jpg)
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Unfortunate Cookies~ (http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/6493/fc37060hx8.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/9114/eggroll002370qq6.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/189/uc307zd9.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/9940/uf121806vo3.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/6090/uc120506tj0.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/5821/cookie0081eb9.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/787/uc111706us6.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/7656/uc103006il2.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/4411/fc05310206nu1.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/848/fc061370sf2.jpg)
(http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/6798/fc057175lf2.jpg)
Unfortunate Cookies are original humor clips written by the editors of GAYTWOGETHER. If you would like to send your Unfortunate Cookie ideas to them, please email them at
[email protected]... And for more gay-centric hilarity check their humor page out here:
http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/gaytwogether/humor/index.html (http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/gaytwogether/humor/index.html)
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling
.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you telll if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
(http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/6388/kogeraxv5.gif)
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This was on the site that Dot linked us to. Funny site, Dot.
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/FUNCOWBOY.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK6.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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I just popped round to celebrate this thread's front-page status with a lil pic that makes me smile .. 8)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Komique/49b35c55.jpg)
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Believe It or Not
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
::)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
???
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
:o
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
???
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
;)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have e sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
:-\
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
:-X
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
:P
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
::)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ??? Did the government pay for this research??)
>:(
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
:laugh:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
:P
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Your comments were even funnier than the statements!
Dagi
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:laugh: :laugh:
It's totally crazy what they print on some of those labels! :D
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Welcome to Kerry's Komedy Klub, everyone! :D
And a big thank you to Clarissa for the beautiful banner on the home page. I'm absolutely thrilled with it! :D
When visiting Kerry's Komedy Klub, be sure to post your own funnies, jokes and cartoons for us all to enjoy!
What's that you say? You don't have any funnies to post? Well, this is also the place to post your cute, feel-good pics, like this one . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK7.jpg)
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Kerry, I have always enjoyed your thread here, and copy a lot of the cartoons and email them to other friends.....hey, what aussie doesnt enjoy a good joke....
I had not read your original post before, and have just read it, and I was really touched by what you said......
Yes, we have all shed many tears over Jack and Ennis, but what a great way to share the healing process with some laughter.....
Well done mate!
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Here's one of my favorite Gary Larson cartoons:
(http://www.nilobject.com/images/30972Vet_tutored.jpg)
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.
Patricia explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patricia explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!
Have a lovely day
(http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/9004/7f3e3d87rp0.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/copcar.jpg)
Self Awareness is a good thing ::)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/bec6590c41dc404d8174bceab6bf03f9284.jpg)
Well that's ONE solution to the problem :o
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A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, one Sunday morning, she took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.
That word is: STERNUM...!!!"
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/23.jpg)
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Here's one of my favorite Gary Larson cartoons:
(http://www.nilobject.com/images/30972Vet_tutored.jpg)
Good one Fran :laugh:
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Well if we're doing feel-good photos too ... how about this one taken at my daughter's recent birthday luau ....
(http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s31/Susiebell_album/Parties/Party7-1.jpg)
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
Awwww what a little cutie! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/lick.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/874-freeway-warning.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/80.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/1835.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK11.jpg)
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"Pull out, Betty! Pull out!...You`ve hit on artery!"
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/mosquito.jpg)
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Essential office stationery:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/office-1.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/office-2.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/office-3.jpg)
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(http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/happy/happy0158.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net) I started laughing at the first one and just kept laughing more til the end---the last one is my favorite. Thanks, Kerry!! Fun way to start my day!!
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(http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/happy/happy0158.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net) I started laughing at the first one and just kept laughing more til the end---the last one is my favorite. Thanks, Kerry!! Fun way to start my day!!
Me too, Shasta! :laugh:
They would come in very handy in my office! ;) ::)
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LEAVING WORK EARLY... A classic politically incorrect blonde joke
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bed room, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified
to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door
and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.
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(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Funny.jpg)
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Essential ::) Products for the saavy consumer:
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/367.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/781.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/813.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/21681418.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/BSPR-0091.jpg)
:o :o :o
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/b4f2.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/ARHellsAngels.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/office-2.jpg)
I´ll have to order one of these... :laugh:.
Dagi
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I´ll have to order one of these... :laugh:.
Dagi
Dagi, I'll nick the one from my boss' office and send it to you!!! ;) :D
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Dagi, I'll nick the one from my boss' office and send it to you!!! ;) :D
Can´t wait! :laugh:
Dagi
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Me too, me too! I want to have one too! ;D
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Me too, me too! I want to have one too! ;D
Haha, I'll send one to you too, Sharon! :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK34.jpg)
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Haha, I'll send one to you too, Sharon! :laugh:
Thank`s Kerry for sending me a stamp too!
You must know I have holiday now and when I go back to work then
;D ...stamp...f..ck...stamp...f..ck...stamp...f..ck! - Year! That`s it! - ;D
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Thank`s Kerry for sending me a stamp too!
You must know I have holiday now and when I go back to work then
;D ...stamp...f..ck...stamp...f..ck...stamp...f..ck! - Year! That`s it! - ;D
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Dottie, you have precisely described, with startling accuracy, the showering habits of the Australian male!!! :laugh:
AND the German man, AND the French man, AND the Scottish man, AND the English man, AND the Belgian man, from experience ... (blush).
I did not marry any, mind!
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AND the German man, AND the French man, AND the Scottish man, AND the English man, AND the Belgium man, from experience ... (blush).
I did not marry any, mind!
Hi Isabelle!!!! :-* :-*
*David waves across the ocean to Isabelle*
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/ARHellsAngels.jpg)
HAHA Very funny!! :P
NO WAY. Our Hell's Angels ride real Harleys!!! LOL
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The Americans will get this one....
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/ATTB11110.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_18.jpg)
[/quote]
Wow, the house of my dreams!!
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/weird_houses_18.jpg)
Wow, the house of my dreams!!
That looks like something I see when I've had one too many belts of Southern Comfort!!
*hiccup*
Excuse me.
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LOTS of FUN, Kerry. :laugh: Thanks for giving insight to meaning of terms unique to OZ.... I guess :laugh:
Actually , no: legless= drunk and tart=woman of small virtue in the UK too!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK41.jpg)
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Sign, Sign, everywhere a sign! 8) Some of these are great!
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/116/226xreferdl0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/4526/775mh9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/7792/k78238898jx0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/4267/kiekkokstreetxo7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/9943/navigationpo9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/5651/policeij3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/3392/sign002eb6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/9161/sign006qc5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/879/signssignsze4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/5552/slowdownordieqq4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/4985/sign008ri9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/2490/sign011pb0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/2173/sign007um3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/863/onewaystreetff8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/5200/adversecamberthumbad8a0un1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us) (http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/7825/sventun4b26b6akh5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/9273/page0blogentry361mu3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
;)
;D
-
A man called home to his partner and said, " I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The partner thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good partner he is, did exactly what his lover asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
His partner welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
You’re gonna (http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/FantasySx/thlove.gif) the answer... . . . . . . it’s so Brokeback inspired
His partner replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box.....”
::)
Ooops busted again! 8)
::)
-
:laugh: He must be related to Alma!!
-
Some quotable quotes from the wonderful world of Australian football. Enjoy! :D
1. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)
2. "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse, Collingwood)
3. "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Peter Bell, Fremantle, on his university law studies)
4. "You guys to my left, line up alphabetically by height. And you guys to my right, pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." (Barry Hall, Sydney Captain, at training)
5. "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (Brock Maclean, Melbourne, when asked if he had visited the Pyramids, whilst in Egypt)
6. "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)
7. "It's basically the same, just darker." (Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs day games)
8. "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." (Barry Hall, Sydney, when asked about the upcoming season)
9. "Luke Hodge, the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
10. "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
11. "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
12. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)
13. "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
14. "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in football, but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
15. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Andrew Demetriou)
16. "I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better."
(Dermott Brereton)
17. "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
18. Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" David Swartz: "On what?"
19. "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
20. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
Dermott Brereton features in several of the above quotes. Here he is:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Brereton_Dermott.jpg)
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A man called home to his partner and said, " I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The partner thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good partner he is, did exactly what his lover asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
His partner welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
You’re gonna (http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b146/FantasySx/thlove.gif) the answer... . . . . . . it’s so Brokeback inspired
His partner replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box.....”
::)
Ooops busted again! 8)
::)
heheheheh.
I always like this thread but never have any good jokes to put in it...
My favourite joke is short and sweet but i don't think anyone but brits would get it.....
Q. Why do Elephants have big ears?
A. Cos Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom!
-
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows!
Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
-
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy. ::)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/funny-10.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/11.jpg)
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(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/HUSBANDS.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK8.jpg)
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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that"? asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a154/rushmanpic/emotes/creapy.gif)(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a154/rushmanpic/emotes/creapy.gif)(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a154/rushmanpic/emotes/creapy.gif)(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a154/rushmanpic/emotes/creapy.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/kleenex.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK70.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/hund19.gif)
That one is so me Kerry!
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(http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u96/d1spnay/ICONS/funny.jpg)
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A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
-
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/a31af540.gif)
GOOD ONE!!!
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/yeah.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/yeah.jpg)
:laugh: Hilarious! Love it! I'm laughing out loud here in Sydney, Australia! :laugh:
-
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Which reminds me . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK63.jpg)
-
I'll try too...
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:o
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An elderly couple...
An elderly couple are traveling cross country, and it was the woman's turn to drive. On a desert road in Texas, they are pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer walks over to the couple's car and asks: "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man shouts: "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
The officer then asks: "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!"
The woman gives the officer her driver's license. He looks at it for a moment and says: "I see you're from Arkansas. Arkansas girls are cold
fish. I had the worst sex of my life in that state..."
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
-
Mystery solved
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
-
I'll try too...
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a cute cartoon Isabelle! :D
There are a few stores here in Indy that actually sell "Go Fuck Yourself" cards! I've been guilty of sending one or two of them too! But only to a couple of people who were really REALLY mean to me. :)
-
An elderly couple...
An elderly couple are traveling cross country, and it was the woman's turn to drive. On a desert road in Texas, they are pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer walks over to the couple's car and asks: "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man shouts: "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
The officer then asks: "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!"
The woman gives the officer her driver's license. He looks at it for a moment and says: "I see you're from Arkansas. Arkansas girls are cold
fish. I had the worst sex of my life in that state..."
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
:laugh: :laugh:
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Brilliant, Isabelle, all of them! Give us more!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-aaaKKK191.jpg)
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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
-
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
PRICELESS!!! :laugh:
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The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been
selling her body at a hundred dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so
easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on,
and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her
the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his
head, considered it, and then asked, 'Don't I even get my agent's ten
percent as a deduction?'
'No siree,' she said. 'If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it, just like the other Johns.'
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night
club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a
little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again.
The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
'My goodness,' she whispered in the dark, 'you are so virile. I never
realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.'
'I'm not your agent, lady,' a strange voice answered. 'He's at the door
selling tickets.'
8)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-aaaKKK38.jpg)
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A female columnist, who writes for one of Sydney's local gay newspapers, recently reported on research being undertaken in the UK, whereby scientists declared they could create babies from bone marrow. The columnist was very excited about this prospect, because of the implication that women (specifically gay women) could now fall pregnant without having to resort to the use of nasty, smelly male byproducts or secretions!
I thought the article warranted a cartoon accompaniment, so I drew my own:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/TOON-68.jpg)
I've recently purchased a scanner, so will be posting more of my own humorous drawings and cartoons in future. Look out! :o ;) :D
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That is great, Kerry! Do you do book/newspaper/magazine illustrations ever?
I've recently purchased a scanner, so will be posting more of my own humorous drawings and cartoons in future. Look out!
:) Looking forward to it!!
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I just like the direction you're going Kerry!!
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One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
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One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thclappingsmiley.gif) Cute!
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/untitled.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/mail.jpg)
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A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good, clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
What can we learn from this demonstration?
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
That pretty much ended the service.
::)
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(http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u73/sunshinegirlct/funny/Comedy.gif)
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Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/0703_duck.jpg)
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I had an entirely different punch line in my mind for that one...heh he...I thought the old man was going to say, "thats easy, just
pretend we are having sex!!"
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application. You could pick up
the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However , you
may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and w it for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think
outside of the Box."
HOWEVER..
The correct answer according to the person who told me this
is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect
partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with
the old friend for a few beers.
He says he just loves happy endings!
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Here's another of my own cartoons. :D
You don't have to be Australian, or know Archbishop Jensen personally, in order to appreciate this cartoon. He's your common, tin-pot, garden variety homophobic bigot, as seen the world over. His type is a dime a dozen, wherever you go. :P
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0053.jpg)
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:laugh:
Kerry I think you missed your calling. I think I'm going to share this with Father Tony he's from an Angelican parish in Sydney and now has a parish in San Diego. He should enjoy it too, he's always making jokes about Australian Church politics
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It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked 2. Bring food
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A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws the glass in
the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap, we don't need
to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and
shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so
much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one long draft, throws the glass into the air,
whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, calling for a refill,
she says, "In America, we have so many illegal Mexicans
and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice."
God Bless America
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A Better Fairy Tale
(http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/702/jfrog2p2js0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Once upon a time ...
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin' think so. ;)
-
Things kids say….
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....smack his ass again!"
(http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/9042/whiskybabyoi1.gif)
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Things kids say….
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....smack his ass again!"
(http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/9042/whiskybabyoi1.gif)
:laugh: :laugh: ROTFL :laugh: :laugh:
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:laugh:
Kerry I think you missed your calling. I think I'm going to share this with Father Tony he's from an Angelican parish in Sydney and now has a parish in San Diego. He should enjoy it too, he's always making jokes about Australian Church politics
My cartoons tend to be more of the "serious" social commentary type, Dottie, rather than the "haha" variety. Social injustice, bigotry and homophobia are the most common inspiration for me. For that reason, many of my cartoons happen to feature religious leaders and politicians.
If your Father Tony is from Sydney, he will well know Cardinal George Pell, Archbishop Peter Jensen and Reverend Fred Nile. They are all bitter, twisted, homophobic bigots and I've created many cartoons that feature their more bizarre, offensive pronouncements.
Archbishop Peter Jensen is an outspoken, card-carrying, proudly proclaiming gay-hater here is Sydney. He is also very outspoken in his objection to women priests and bishops . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0038.jpg)
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Here's one of my not so serious attempts. A product of one of the "major" news stories of earlier in the year! ;) :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0072.jpg)
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Back to reality . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK2.jpg)
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Use of the "F" word is never justified in polite society. It's uncouth and vulgar, to say the least. However, having said that, in certain extreme situations, maybe it is appropriate . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/einstein.jpg)
Physicist Albert Einstein (1879-1955) ... "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Pythagoras.jpg)
Pythagoras ... "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Michelangelo.jpg)
The Sistine Chapel's frescoes (1505-12) by Michelangelo ... "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Earhart.jpg)
Pioneer aviator Amelia Earhart, first woman to fly across the Atlantic alone ... "Where the @#$% are we?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Voight.jpg)
Actors Mary Steenburgen and Jon Voight in 1999 TV film "Noah's Ark" ... "Scattered @#$ing showers, I disagree!"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Custer.jpg)
General George Armstrong Custer ... "Where the @#$% did all those Indians come from?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Hiroshima.jpg)
The mushroom cloud over Hiroshima after atom bomb dropped by the US from "Enola Gay" during World War Two ... "What the @#$% was that?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Clinton.jpg)
A photograph of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office at the White House ... "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Hussein.jpg)
Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein ... "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Picasso.jpg)
Pablo Picasso ... "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Titanic.jpg)
Captain Edward J Smith from liner Titanic ... "What the @#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
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Use of the "F" word is never justified in polite society. It's uncouth and vulgar, to say the least. However, having said that, in certain extreme situations, maybe it is appropriate . . . . .
;D
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those arseholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****ing sheetrock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it ::)
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/chippendales.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/GaysintheArmy.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/jokepic159.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/157.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Miscellaneous2B002.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/snake.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/snake.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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This 65 year old woman is naked,(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thsmiley_bouncetrampoline.gif) jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up..." she replied.
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I spend most of my time over on the Cullen board, and have been there since Jan 06, but here is one I posted there a couple months ago, and it is one of my favorites.
Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks the
cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"
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This 65 year old woman is naked,(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thsmiley_bouncetrampoline.gif) jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up..." she replied.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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I spend most of my time over on the Cullen board, and have been there since Jan 06, but here is one I posted there a couple months ago, and it is one of my favorites.
Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks the
cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"
Cheeky kid :laugh:
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An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.
She said, “I want to keep my house.” (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/LoScrigno_bimba.gif)
He said, “That's fine with me.” 8)
She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.” (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/LoScrigno_bimba.gif)
He said, “That's fine with me.” 8)
She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.” (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/c76349c382f1dd7a36dcc53f4d1a14c5-1.gif)
He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.” ;)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0016.jpg)
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According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday-takers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.
8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
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One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.
Please don't let me be late to church...." (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/pray.gif)
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again... (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/pray.gif)
"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/runaround.gif)
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An elephant and a camel were talking....(as they do)......
Elephant said to the camel........why do you have your boobs on your back like that?
Camel looked at elephant and said....well, thats an odd question from someone who has his dick hanging off his face....
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won ' t realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I 'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don ' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken ' s intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he ' s GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer ' s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I ' ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn ' t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn ' t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDER
Did I miss one?
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, ::) and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks. :laugh:
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Police Warning:
They say that the gang usually comprises four members. While the three younger ones, all appearing to be cute and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest of this gang of criminals -sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through their pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.
The picture below, taken from WQXI, shows the Gang in operation in the inner city.
(http://img488.imageshack.us/img488/9224/a67cbe49321ff91e88a765bxu9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... Something about the emergency brake...
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(http://img488.imageshack.us/img488/5775/image0022eq9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/5178/att000382dl7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0004.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/titanuranus.jpg)
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Special Poem for Senior Citizens !!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy and when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to lnow . . . . .
Is what tells each one where to go !!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt !!!!
Laugh a little every day.
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This is one of my personal favorites
The vet had just supervised the delivery of a litter of kittens to
the old spinster's cat. "I just don't know how it could have
happened," said the spinster. "Tibbles is never allowed out
and no other cats are ever allowed into the house."
"But what about him ?" asked the vet, pointing to a large tom
cat sitting in an armshair.
"Oh, don't be silly," replied the spinster. "That's her brother."
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One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most
unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her
shoulders and the the small of her back. He ran his hands lightly
over her breasts, then proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hands over her stomach, and then t a point below
her waist. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs, then
gently probing the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned
to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled
over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote !!"
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
AWESOME...dearest Dottie :-*
Kerry ... the drawings of the folks in your cartoons are WONDERFUL ;) as are their conversations :D
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Kerry ... the drawings of the folks in your cartoons are WONDERFUL ;) as are their conversations :D
Thanks for the feedback, Doug. I'm glad you like them. Here's another. :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0017.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/mona.jpg)
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(http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/9405/9a7a9543fc417abc96e72ffhy9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet & put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
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(http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/2025/7583e4d8416bb597eaedd77oc9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'll be a good boy I promise! NOT THE VET! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
(http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/2424/95e3e0265e647d5b7500072hq0.jpg)
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Well Done ALL of you. Kerry your original art is a corker. A question for Ms Matrix, Do you have a bottomless supply of these amusing jokes and pictures? I have never seen so much funny stuff in one place before. Your home must be a very happy place.
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Well Done ALL of you. Kerry your original art is a corker. A question for Ms Matrix, Do you have a bottomless supply of these amusing jokes and pictures? I have never seen so much funny stuff in one place before. Your home must be a very happy place.
Awww Pettifogger that is the sweetest thing. (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/19f25bd4096e482d4a643ba6aea3354423b.gif) Thank you :-* And in answer to your question...yep, I got a million of em :laugh:
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Port-o-Potty prototypes ;)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/arksuv.jpg)
(http://img467.imageshack.us/img467/3739/yportogn1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/file0002.jpg)
(http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/7149/7932617637315816jpg0tb4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
This two story model didn't work out so good
(http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/7448/2storyzr8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6782/5767bf75678ad693b5b5bc5cd8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/c2925af4775c9d3c36a3b8038544878048f.jpg)
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Well Done ALL of you. Kerry your original art is a corker. A question for Ms Matrix, Do you have a bottomless supply of these amusing jokes and pictures? I have never seen so much funny stuff in one place before. Your home must be a very happy place.
Thank ya kindly, Pettifogger. Muchly appreciated. :D
And I enjoyed reading your posts too. Don't stop. Keep posting. The more the merrier! ;D
Here's another one. :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0062.jpg)
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And they lived happily ever after . . . . . . :D
. . . . . . or maybe not. :(
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wed1.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wed2.jpg)
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And my all-time personal favourite . . . . . . .
'Cause I never could resist a man with a mullet . . . . . .
Drum-roll, maestro, please . . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wed9.jpg)
Sigh! Ain't he cute?! :D
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And they lived happily ever after . . . . . . :D
. . . . . . or maybe not. :(
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/SoFunny.gif)
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden
leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days
later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
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A Letter from Grandma
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/stars01.gif)
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/stars01.gif)
"Honk If You Love Jesus"
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/stars01.gif)
bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/traffic_light_cycle_md_wht.gif)
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" "
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/car.gif)
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just
leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving
people. I even honked my horn a few times
to share in the love!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/stars01.gif)
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another
guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,
he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing...he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/stars01.gif)
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters
and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned
out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one
last time as I drove away.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/grandma01.gif)
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
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A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Essential accoutrement for the busy gal about town . . . . .
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wom2.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wom8.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wom9.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wom11.jpg)
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A Mother’s Prayer
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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/mother02.gif)
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back...not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/mother03.gif)
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish...dead!)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/mother04.gif)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean...
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/mother05.gif)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know...
I must have lost them long ago!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0025.jpg)
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/nycan.jpg)
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
Dottie, you're a genius!! 8)
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Speaking of ducks :)
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
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Ducks, I (http://bestsmileys.com/valentine1/7.gif) ducks! ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-metaphor.jpg)
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In my next life, I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you are generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating, room service on tap, and then — voila!
You finish off as an orgasm!!!!!
I rest my case.
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How Many Dolphins Can You See? ( answers at the bottom of the page)
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???
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???
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???
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???
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???
???
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We've seen the weddings. :D
Now for the divorces! Celebrity divorces, that is! ::)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-1-jordan.jpg)
Slam dunk ... Juanita Vanoy stands to collect more than $A181.28 million from ex-husband Michael Jordan.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-2-spielberg.jpg)
Not bad for four years ... actress Amy Irving cleaned up $A120.85 million from her short marriage to Steven Spielberg.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-3-ford.jpg)
Not so amicable ... Harrison Ford's wife Melissa Mathison received $A102.73 million when he left her for Calista Flockhart after 17 years of marriage.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-4-costner.jpg)
Hollywood cliche ... It cost Kevin Costner $A96.68 million when he left his wife, Cindy Silva after 16 years of marriage, for a much younger blonde.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-5-mccartney.jpg)
Can buy her love ... Paul McCartney's marriage to one-legged Heather Mills only cost his $72 million, which is loose change for the Beatle.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-6-jagger.jpg)
Plenty of satisfaction ... Jerry Hall may have never tamed Mick Jagger but she at least got his money - about $A30.2 million of it when they separated.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-7-cameron.jpg)
Almost titanic ... director James Cameron settled his divorce from actress Linda Hamilton with the lovely sum of $A60.43 million - about half of what he earned for that boat film.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-8-richie.jpg)
Dancing on the ceiling ... Lionel Richie's second wife Diane will be able to maintain her high-maintenance lifestyle after getting $A24.17 million from the soulful singer when they split.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/divorce-9-norman.jpg)
Next year's winner ... When Greg and Laura Norman finalise their divorce settlement, she may be receiving twice as much as Michael Jordan's wife. The Shark's ex-wife could get about $200 million.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0049.jpg)
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An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.
His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?"
The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/rk01_treno.gif)
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KIDS WHO ARE DIFFERENT!
(http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/1581/kid36ni2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/1999/kid1323ya8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/7251/kid7yq9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids who don't always get A's.
The kids who have ears twice the size of their peers,
And noses that go on for days...
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids they call crazy or dumb,
The kids who don't fit, with the guts and the grit,
Who dance to a different drum...
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids with the mischievous streak,
For when they have grown, as history's shown,
It's their difference that makes them unique.
-Digby Wolfe
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Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
(http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/235/117351yo3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.''
Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.
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Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
(http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/235/117351yo3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.''
Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/88a15442ee00df5c844025933d1e74d4-1.gif)(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/39015044e500d551cbbb15dd82983d6947c.gif)
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(http://img490.imageshack.us/img490/426/worry2520man2520light25wd7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! "
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down . . . "
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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, :o but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said,"Oh, OK" ??? and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, >:( "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
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Best "Out of Office" automatic e-mail replies . . . . . .
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. :D
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. :D
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. :D
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. :D
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. :D
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.) :D
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. :D
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. :D
9. I've run away to join a different circus. :D
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob' :D
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A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit!"
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(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/7883/gonnagetluckynw5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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The Four Stages of Life
(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/690/4stagesoflifevs4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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If It’s On The Internet, It’s Gotta’ Be True!
Selected anticdotes from Artie Wayne On The Web blogspot
At the annual Girl Scouts dinner, Alec Baldwin and David Hasselhoff, had a fistfight over who was more deserving of being “Father Of The Year”
When The Houston Museum Of Natural Science, said they would buy cockroaches for 25 cents apiece to fill a new exhibit, they never expected to shell out 2.2 million dollars. Nor did they expect the board of health to shut them down so quickly!
An international incident was narrowly averted, when Ex-President Bill Clinton was taken into custody before he could grope the Queen, at the Kentucky Derby.
When Chelsea Clinton, asked a returning US Soldier about fear.He said that there were only three things he was afraid of: “Osama, Obama, and Yo’ Mama.”
The Frito Bandito, was arrested yesterday by the authorities when he tried to sneak across the border into the US with 1000 lbs. of salted contraband.
While packing to go to jail, Paris Hilton and her mother were watching the Republican “Mass Debaters” on TV. When it was candidate Mitt Romney’s turn to speak, Paris exclaimed, “He doesn’t sound like a moron!” Her mother smiled and replied, ” I said he was a Mormon…not a moron, dear”
The 65 million dollar lawsuit against a dry cleaners by a Washington D.C. judge for losing a pair of pants, has been thrown out of court! The Supreme court ruled that the suit was ridiculous and no pair of pants is worth more than 60 million dollars!
If you want to see Brooke Shields go viral!
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=d552500a833ac828cd63 (http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=d552500a833ac828cd63)
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were outraged when the Berlin Zoo wouldn’t sell them Knut the baby polar bear for daughter Suri’s first birthday present. Tom immediately commissioned, “The greatest doll in the world to be made in Suri’s likeness!”. Tom’s been known to go to extremes, but I don’t think he expected this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBXr15K2uSc&mode=related&search (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBXr15K2uSc&mode=related&search)
Copyright 2007 by Artie Wayne
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Look closely..... :) See the diagram at the bottom of the page? ...... :o Can ya guess what this device is for ???
(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/4598/1705zv7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:laugh: My those Japanese engineers are CLEVER! :laugh:
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Thought for the day:
(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u304/amanndab/jokes.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-aaaKKK76.jpg)
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Oh, so now she's gonna act all innocent and angelic.(http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/innocent/innocent0007.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net)
Ya'll oughtta go visit her on the J&E fanfic page! (http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/evilgrin/evilgrin0036.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net)
;D ;)
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(http://www.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/rolleye/rolleye0012.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net) OK--gotcha---shhhhhhh.....mum's the word!!
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Mrs Green had a truly remarkable parrot and when the vicar came to
tea one afternoon she could not resist demonstrating to him how
clever her pet was.
"If you pull this string on it's left leg, Polly will sing, "Abide With Me" "
said Mrs Green, proudly. "And if you pull the string on it's right leg it
will sing "Onward Christian Soldiers"."
"How remarkable!" exclaimed the vicar. "And what happens if you
pull both strings at once ?"
"Simple !" replied the parrot. "I fall off my perch, you stupid old twit."
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/2773/11ul3.gif)
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy
Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
(http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/76/parrot214ib3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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The only cow in a small town in Russia stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
(http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/6905/cowrf0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he ; approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked: "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
???
:o
::)
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk"
(http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/4749/1702cowhq6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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;D :laugh: ;D :laugh:
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Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly home, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many times can you do it?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!? ? ? ? ?"
"Yup! Almost on Monday, Almost on Tuesday, Almost on Wednesday,.........."
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A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion.
One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity.
The wife replied that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden."
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 100's of times, and twice in a buggy."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK57.jpg)
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Those were great pettifogger! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/Lol15.gif)
Loved that last one of your Kerry! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/Lol15.gif)
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(http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u208/MkVenner1975/Jokes/funny.jpg)
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A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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:laugh:
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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. :D
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. :D
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. :D
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. :D
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. :D
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. :D
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first. :D
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. :D
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. :D
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. :D
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Excellent Kerry :D :laugh: :D
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Scroll over --------------------------->
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/NotYet.jpg)
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A young cowboy from Miles City , Montana goes off to college, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking; they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Cafe and Tavern?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
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A young cowboy from Miles City , Montana goes off to college, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking; they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the Blue Sky Cafe and Tavern?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/snicker.gif)
Good one Shasta!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/nowork.jpg)
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Error messages we can all relate to . . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/1.jpg)
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(http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z128/queenterri2/Jokes/acdf.jpg)
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(http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z302/vanep6/Jokes/33d9.jpg)
Surprize!
:laugh:
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Error messages we can all relate to . . . . . .
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Beefcake%203/smoking.jpg)
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Going to send this one to my brother :laugh:
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(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/1880/bushnocowboyvt0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/5273/cleanjokesyj3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Choices.jpg)
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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
*
*
*
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/Lol15.gif) Good One !
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Football Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren't
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports1/10.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)17. It's a game of inches.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)13. He found his tight end.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)12. End around.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)11. He had to stretch to get it in.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)9. He blows them off (at the line).
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)8. He bangs it in.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)7. He could go all the way.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)6. He gets it off just in time.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)5. He goes deep.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)4. He found a hole and slid through it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)3. He pounds it in.
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)2. He beats them off (the line)
(http://bestsmileys.com/sports3/13.gif)1. He's got great hands.
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "The other night, John won the prize with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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These are genuine clips from UK council house tenant's complaint letters:
::)
* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more
* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage
* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence
* I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and its pouring rain outside!!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes?" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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I need a favour!!
My neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.
He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and
that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog (scroll down for image)
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/7519/indexlw2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Sister Assumpta called together all of the nuns at St.Mary's and said:
"Sisters, I must tell you something serious. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
(http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/4036/indexwq2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Old Sister Mary leaned over to Sister Bridgit and said "Thank goodness.I was getting so tired of Chardonnay".
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On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes alive to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He's gorgeous: tall, well built, sun-bleached blond hair, blue eyes.
He starts to walk Slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, ............one button at a time.
No one moves.
Everyone is transfixed.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps......
He whispers.....
Here ya go luv - iron this and then get me a beer...."
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Here ya go luv - iron this and then get me a beer...."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ah, Aussie men, can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!!! ::)
(We still love 'em, though! ;) )
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/violinist.jpg)
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I just found this in a blog:
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’ To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Betch.’
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I just found this in a blog:
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.........et al
Good One Dagi!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thfunny-1.gif)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/funny277ah.gif)
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The American Government funded a study to see why
the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the
reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided
to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of
research, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the woman
more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost
of around $75.46 and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded
that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting himself in the forehead.
(http://bestsmileys.com/doh/2.gif)
(Aussie slang - A slab is a carton of 24)
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The American Government funded a study to see why
the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the
reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided
to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of
research, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the woman
more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost
of around $75.46 and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded
that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting himself in the forehead.
(http://bestsmileys.com/doh/2.gif)
(Aussie slang - A slab is a carton of 24)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK47.jpg)
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Australians, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost
of around $75.46 and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded
that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting himself in the forehead.
(http://bestsmileys.com/doh/2.gif)
(Aussie slang - A slab is a carton of 24)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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just read this one today at the office...apologies to our Asian friends, this is very cute and makes you realize why it is important to learn a few basic words in the native language before traveling.
Tendjewberrymud...
It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation...
Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the FarEast Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome."
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Three Holy Men and a Bear.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it and try to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear and when I found him, I began
to read him from the Catechism. Well that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him his first communion and
confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheel-chair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle!!
I went out and found me a bear, and I began to read from God's holy
word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him
and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and
down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and
baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a
lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked
up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." ::)
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Murphy turned up at Mass one Sunday and the priest was amazed
because Murphy had never been seen in church in all his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, " Murphy,
I'm so glad you came, but what made you come ?"
Murphy said, " I got to be honest with you Father, a while back I
misplaced my hat and I really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn
had one the same and that he came to church every Sunday. I knew
he had to take his hat off during Mass and I planned to steal
McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal his
hat. What changed your mind ?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat at all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about
'Thou shalt not steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat
than burn in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly shook his hesd and said, "No, Father, after you talked
about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left
my hat."
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RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome."[/color]
I once read this in a book, and it cracked me up! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Whatever you say....... So great.
Dagi
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK26.gif)
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>>> An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.
> >>>
> >>> While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
> >>> aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
> >>>
> >>> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
> >>>
> >>> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom
> >>> and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
> >>> crawled downstairs.
> >>>
> >>> With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
> >>> kitchen .
> >>>
> >>> Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
> >>> in heaven , for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
> >>> table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
> >>>
> >>> Was it heaven?
> >>>
> >>> Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of
> >>> sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
> >>>
> >>> Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing
> >>> on his knees in a rumpled posture.
> >>>
> >>> His parched lips parted.
> >>>
> >>> He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
> >>> seemingly bringing him back to life.
> >>>
> >>> The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
> >>> the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
> >>> spatula by his wife...................
> >>>
> >>> F**k off" She said, "They're for the funeral"
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
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>>>>>>>A Professor was giving a lecture on"Involuntary Muscular
>>>>>>>Contractions"to his first year medical students. Realising that this
>>>>>>>was not the most riveting subject,
>>>>>>>The Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>>>>>>He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
>>>>>>>"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an
>>>>>>>orgasm?"
>>>>>>>She replied, ............."Probably out fishing with his mates!!"
>>>>
>>
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The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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An old ladywas the owner of a small farm and prided herself on the neatness
of everything, although she only owned a few animals. She was a bit
concerned over her prize pig who looked a bit under the weather and she
thought perhaps what she needed was the attention of a male pig.
Passing the neighbor's farm on market day, the old lady decided to ask if he
would allow his male pig to do the necessary. The farmer agreed and told
her to bring her pig over the next day. Not owning any form of transport,
the old lady decided to sit her pig in the wheel-barrow and push it to er
neighbor's farm..
"Now just leave those pigs alone for half an hour whilst we go in for a cup
of tea and I'm sure the job will be done, by the time we return. But if your
pig still seems restless in another two days, bring her back and we'll give
them the afternoon together."
Two days passed and the pig began to look restless, so out came the
wheel-barrow and the pig was pushed again th the neighbor's farm.By
the end of the week, there were noticable tracks between the two farms.
"I'm sure that it must have taken by now," thought the farmer, so he
rang his neighbor and asked, "Does she still look restless?"
"I don't know," said the old lady. "I will go upstairs where I can see
the field she's in. A few minutes passed before she got back to the
phone. "Can you see her>" asked the farmer.
"Yes. Yes," he was told.
"And what is she doing ?" he wanted to know.
"She's sitting in the wheel-barrow !!"
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A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of them.
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they
had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear God,
I bet it is hard for You to love everybody in the whole world. There are
only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all them.
Dear God,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?
Dear God,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house?
Dear God,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?
Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if
You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Dear God,
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They're just kidding, aren't they?
Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
Dear God,
We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they
said You did it. So I bet he stole Your idea.
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"She's sitting in the wheel-barrow !!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK29.jpg)
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One Summer
they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then
speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would
wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Police,
but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After
a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only
goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He
hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel
and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"
Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
SCROLL DOWN.
(You're gonna hate me for this... Scroll down some more)
A little bit more...........
She sells C cells by the seashore. (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/thgroan-1.gif)
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"And what is she doing ?" he wanted to know.
"She's sitting in the wheel-barrow !!"
Clever pig ;D !
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Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been
having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in
the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday
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Follow this link for a really amazing and truly clever piece of animation...
http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-34244097 (http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-34244097)
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Follow this link for a really amazing and truly clever piece of animation...
http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-34244097 (http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-34244097)
Very clever, indeed! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK46.jpg)
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A Twilight Zone Loo Experience
http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Video/?action=view¤t=VRS-posedis.flv (http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Video/?action=view¤t=VRS-posedis.flv)
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead ?" she asked the pupil.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,: explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'Pssst" in it's ear and itdidn't move."
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A blonde's car breaks down on the motorway one day. So she eases it over
onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk . Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle
where they stand facing the oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats
and exposing their naked bodies.Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history
of this highway, occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling : "What the heck is going on here ?"
"My car broke down," says the blonde calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road ?" asks the cop.
And she said, ::)
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers !!" :laugh:
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
(http://img489.imageshack.us/img489/1691/129314ii6.jpg)
See, men just don't listen !
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0078.jpg)
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One dark night outside a small town in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department thatbrings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainian men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed in the area. Within a short time, the Mundare Ukrainians had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Metro Sputski, the 70 year old fire chief, "Da furst ting ve gonna do is feex da brakes on dat focking truck!!!"
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
As answered by some well-known people:
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
-
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says,"Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, " Say no more." And instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.
The mice said."all our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."
God says, "say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says."Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the Best!"
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http://www.veryfunnyads.com/
Very funny site.....
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"Vell," said Metro Sputski, the 70 year old fire chief, "Da furst ting ve gonna do is feex da brakes on dat focking truck!!!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/woodpecker.jpg)
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THE PERFECT DRESS
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and r eplied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
-
Her mother just smiled and r eplied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
:laugh:
-
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and starts to read her book.
A long comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ;)
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(http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/7474/126911uh0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/6889/lanelabordaysp8.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK21.gif)
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On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of no-where
the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might
expect, a shipwreck.
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 Frenh men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japenese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunningly beautiful
desert (and deserted) isands in the middle of no-where, the
following things have occurred.
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alterating
visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting to be introduced to the English
woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean
and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and start swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store,
a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant
in order to supply employees for the stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how
she can do everything that they can do, the necessity of
fulfilment, the equal division of household labors, how sand
and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how
her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the
taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South
and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey. But they are happy because at least the
English aren't having any fun.
-
The wife came home early one day and finds her husband
in the bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig!. Whart are you doing ?
How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, and mother
of your children. I'm leaving this house. I want a divorce."
The husband replied, "Wait. Wait just a minute. Before you
go, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmmmmmmm, I dn't know," said the wife, "Well, it'll be the
last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, unfaithful pig."
The husband begins to tell his story : "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went
ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed she was very thin,
nor well dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had
not eaten for three days.
"With great compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas that I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
"The poor thing practically devours them. Since she was very
dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering,
I noticed that her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair
of jeans that you have had for a few years, that no longer fit you.
"I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary, the
one you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her
the pullover my sister gave you for Christmas, the one you refuse
to wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story, "The young woman was very
grateful to me and I walked her to the door, at which point she
turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me,
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use ?"
-
The Art Teacher strolled around the room, admiring the way her students were bent at their tasks.
Some were drawing trees and flowers, some animals, some their favourite TV character.
She got to little Mary, one nuckle gripped between her teeth, concentrating hard on her piece.
'Well, how's it going Mary?' asked the Teacher.
'Nearly finished', mumbled Mary.
'What are you drawing today?' Teacher asked.
'Oh, I'm drawing a picture of God', answered Mary, not looking up.
'But no-one knows what he looks like', chided the Teacher playfully.
Mary, still not looking up, replied seriously .. 'they will in a minute'.
-
'But no-one knows what he looks like', chided the Teacher playfully.
Mary, still not looking up, replied seriously .. 'they will in a minute'.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
large raging violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first
man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof ! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give
me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and legs and he
was able to row across the river in about an hour after almost
capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river.
Poof ! He was turned into a woman, She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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Two sisters had inherited a ranch and were in need of a bull.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the
bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her
that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she
drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to
tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we
can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well,
after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left.
She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just
one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I
want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The
word's big.
She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
-
A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
-
A duck wandered into a Stockbroker's office and knocked on the counter.
The Stockbroker came out of the back room and, seeing no-one, turned to go back.
The duck knocked again, and the man, puzzled, looked over the counter.
'Hi there, I'd like to buy some shares', said the duck.
But ..... but ..... you're a DUCK, said the man.
'So?' said the duck.
'And you can TALK'.
'Yeah, an I'd like ta buy some shares'.
The Stockbroker was dumbfounded, but asked the duck inside and gave him a seat.
'How can a duck afford to buy shares?' he asked.
Well, said the duck. I'm a Bricklayer on the building site 'cross the road, and I wanna be rich before I retire. I can afford to invest $500 a month. Is that 'nough to make me rich'?
'Hey, tell you what', said the Stockbroker. 'If you want to be rich, I know a guy who owns a Circus. He'd pay you a FORTUNE if you went to work for him!'
'Well ..... I dunno', said the duck. 'I'm doin ok where I am'.
'Think about it', said the Stockbroker. 'Easy work, travel, fame and fortune, living the free life under canvas .......
'Yeah, well that all sounds pretty good', said the duck.
But why would they wanna Bricklayer?
Rob
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Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
(quoted from dot-matrix)
Now THAT'S one of the bestermost, dot-matrix. :) :)
-
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South
and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey. But they are happy because at least the
English aren't having any fun.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river.
Poof ! He was turned into a woman, She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
;D ;D ;D
-
Hard to fool them flies, though....
When I need some cheering up I come here, and I never get disappointed, guys. Thank you so much for posting all these great jokes!!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK39.jpg)
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An Arkansas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring
ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I
knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he
gets fer Howard."
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Sometimes the "F" word is appropriate! :o
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image001.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image002.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image003.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image004.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image005.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image006.jpg)
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Meet My Mistress...
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"OURS is prettier," she replies
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hi Kerry,
A big Thank You for the Komedy Klub. :)
It's a great tonic amongst the discussion threads (and something a lot of people need).
Someone posted to me that they were pleased to see another straight guy on Bettermost. Not too many of us, apparently.
But to me, orientation does not even come into the equation, so it seems a pity if that is the case.
Hope it keeps coming, and that I might be able to contribute some humour to others (without repeating anything everyone has heard a million times) ;D
And hope you get to see Vladimir ;)
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Lemon Juice
>
> There once was a religious young woman who went to
> Confession.
> Upon entering the confessional, she said,
> "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
> passionate love to me seven times."
> The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze
> seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
> The priest said,
> "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
>
-
dumb ass blonde phones the fire brigade and tells them her house is on fire!
fire man asks 'how do we get there?"
she replies "HELLO ....... in the FUCKING RED LORRY !!!!!!!!
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Good one.
Meet My Mistress...
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." .........
..... NOT Miss Stress, obviously. ;D
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hi Kerry,
A big Thank You for the Komedy Klub. :)
It's a great tonic amongst the discussion threads (and something a lot of people need).
Someone posted to me that they were pleased to see another straight guy on Bettermost. Not too many of us, apparently.
But to me, orientation does not even come into the equation, so it seems a pity if that is the case.
Hope it keeps coming, and that I might be able to contribute some humour to others (without repeating anything everyone has heard a million times) ;D
And hope you get to see Vladimir ;)
Thanks for your kind words, Rob. :D
Glad you're enjoying the Komedy Klub! Credit where credit's due, though. I'd like to take this opportunity to give a great big thank you to Dottie for all her wonderful posts here at the Komedy Klub. :D
It's primarily because of all your fabo posts, Dottie, that this thread has become the legendary institution it is today! :D
Thank you, Dottie! We love you! :-* :-*
-
Thanks for your kind words, Rob. :D
Glad you're enjoying the Komedy Klub! Credit where credit's due, though. I'd like to take this opportunity to give a great big thank you to Dottie for all her wonderful posts here at the Komedy Klub. :D
It's primarily because of all your fabo posts, Dottie, that this thread has become the legendary institution it is today! :D
Thank you, Dottie! We love you! :-* :-*
Awww Kerry Thank YOU! I love you too!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thanksbeingsosweet.gif)
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A man escaped prison by digging a tunnel from his cell to
the outside world. Emerging in the middle of a pre-school
playground, he shouted "I'm free, I'm Free !!"
"So what, " said a little girl, "I'm four !"
:laugh:
-
A man escaped prison by digging a tunnel from his cell to
the outside world. Emerging in the middle of a pre-school
playground, he shouted "I'm free, I'm Free !!"
"So what, " said a little girl, "I'm four !"
:laugh:
How cute! ;D
-
For weeks a six year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements ofthe unborn child. The six year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacherabout the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it.”
-
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One old lady pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude : What in the hell is that ?
Mabel : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude : Where did you get it ?
Mabel : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
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An old man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was hard work as the ground was so hard. His son Fred who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote to him, and described his predicament:
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over as I know you would dig it for me,
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son –
Dear Dad;
For heaven’s sake Dad don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son
Dear Dad;
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
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Some lesser known Murphy’s Laws - - -
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)The 50-50-90 rule : Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.
(http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif)When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, saying:
“Children are Gift from God.” Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
And the congregation said “ Amen! ”(http://bestsmileys.com/angles/9.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK65.jpg)
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Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “What is
the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” says one student.
“And the opposite of depression?”
“Elation,” said another.
“And you sir, he said to another young man from Texas,
“How about the opposite of woe ?”
“Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
-
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost ?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
-
One night a burgler is trying to break into a house. He’s sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you !” He jumps, turns around but he doesn’t see anything, so he starts creeping across the lawn again. He hears it again, “Jesus is watching you.” So now the burgler is really looking around and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the
house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?” The parrot answers, “Yes I did.” So the burgler asks, “What’s your name?”
The parrot says, “ Clarence.”
The burgler says, “What kind of stupid idiot would name a parrot “Clarence ?” The parrot laughs and says, “The same
stupid idiot that named the Rottweller ‘Jesus’ “
-
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resouces Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,
“What starting salary were you thinking about?”
The engineer said; “ In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said;
“Well what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say a red Corvette ?”
The engineer sat up straight and said, “ Wow ! Are you kidding?
The interviewer said, “Yeah, but you started it.”
-
“Children are Gift from God.” Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” [/b]
;D ;D ;D
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK20a.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK20a.jpg)
:laugh: :D ;D
This little list isn't really comedy, but I thought I'd post it here anyway. A couple of them are kinda funny--the ones about the tattoos and the buckets. :)
"THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY"
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins. The old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with tattoos and perky silicone filled breasts? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
-
Awww Dottie, I see you are busy as always! ;D
Hey Kerry, great to see you! :D
-
Never Fly Faster Than Your Angel Can Fly!
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Angelsfly.jpg)
-
Susie---I may be wrong--as I often am ::), but I think it's a take-off of the saying/warning, "Never drive faster than your angel can fly." But on this one---both are flying. Hmmm? Maybe?
-
Brilliant list Shasta! And some really sound advice too! This one really tickled me 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. .... so true!! :laugh:
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/THANKS2.gif) Friend!!
-
;D :laugh: Good ones, SB! I will be adding those to the "Quotes" section in my documents!
-
Already ?
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
St. Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
-
Thanks Shasta honey ... that must be an American saying ... I've never heard of it!!
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
Susie---I may be wrong--as I often am ::), but I think it's a take-off of the saying/warning, "Never drive faster than your angel can fly." But on this one---both are flying. Hmmm? Maybe?
I'm not sure if I really get it but the picture is.... fantastic!!!
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
The original quote is actually quite universal I'm told since a lovely English lady I know is the first one to ever send it to me:
"Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly"
In the case of this photo I think Sharon changed it a bit to fit the photograph. The planes have discharged counter-measures, these are rockets designed to fool heat seeking missiles and protect the aircraft from being shot down. In this case the second plane has flown through the smoke left by the counter-measures fired by the first plane and the turbulence has created a "wings" effect in the smoke then the second plane fired it's counter measures hence the bright sparkly bits.
The photo is dramatic and breathtaking and the quote very apropos I think. Hope that helps ;) :)
-
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
-
Ouch! :o :o :o :laugh:
-
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
First thing tomorrow, this one goes up on the notice board at work! :laugh:
-
Never Fly Faster Than Your Angel Can Fly!
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Angelsfly.jpg)
That's a spooky pic, Sharon! :o
Great photography! :D
-
Already ?
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
St. Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: It doesn't take long!
-
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK58.jpg)
-
Excerpts from: 'Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender
:) Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
:) There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
:) Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
:) If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
:) Never ask a man the size of his spread.
:) After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
:) If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
:) Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
:) It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
:) Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
:) Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
:) Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
:) Always drink upstream from the herd.
:) Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
:) If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
:) When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
:) The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
:) When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
:) Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
:) Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
:) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
:) A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
:) Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty irritated at this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally ticked at this point, the rancher grabs the midget under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
-
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they
> decide she'll become a hooker.
> She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
>
> "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
> If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
>
> She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
>
> "How much? She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
>
> "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says,
>
> "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,
>
> "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
>
> Harry says, "A hand job".
>
> She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty
> dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
> unzips his pants, and out pops a Simply HUGE male unit.
>
> She stares at it for a minute, and then says,
> "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says
> breathlessly,
>
> "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
>
-
I promise....last one for the day......
SAD TALE
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink
and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't
think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right.' I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my
car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
'I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to
my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!'.
-
"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
:laugh: ROTFL, Sue! Absolutely ROTFL! :laugh:
-
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. ::)
Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down . . . . . . :o
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . . Look down, not scroll down, ya dork! ::) ;) :laugh:
-
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. ::)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/snicker.gif)
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all. ::)
-
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
-
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"I guess it's that time of the month again!"
-
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
-
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
-
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *
-
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a good one!
How you doing Sue? It's really good to see you here! :D
-
Susie---I may be wrong--as I often am ::), but I think it's a take-off of the saying/warning, "Never drive faster than your angel can fly." But on this one---both are flying. Hmmm? Maybe?
Yes, you are right Shasta!
The original quote is actually quite universal I'm told since a lovely English lady I know is the first one to ever send it to me:
"Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly"
In the case of this photo I think Sharon changed it a bit to fit the photograph. The planes have discharged counter-measures, these are rockets designed to fool heat seeking missiles and protect the aircraft from being shot down. In this case the second plane has flown through the smoke left by the counter-measures fired by the first plane and the turbulence has created a "wings" effect in the smoke then the second plane fired it's counter measures hence the bright sparkly bits.
The photo is dramatic and breathtaking and the quote very apropos I think. Hope that helps ;) :)
Thats perfect Dottie! Exactly what I mean! I have modified the quote to fit the picture!
Thanks for your exlanations!
That's a spooky pic, Sharon! :o
Great photography! :D
Well Kerry, thats exactly what I`ve thought as I saw it!
-
. . . . . . Look down, not scroll down, ya dork! ::) ;) :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Oh I´m a dork!
-
Well, I scrolled down, not being self conscious and all :-\
**********************************************
Friend of mine is almost perfect.
In his words ...
'I don't drink, gamble, smoke, swear, chase wild women nor steal cars'.
'In fact, I'm perfect'. :)
Well ..... OK, I do have one vice.
I tell terrible lies. ;D
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/aaaKKK62.jpg)
-
Hmmmmmmm :-\
:laugh:
-
Thanks Kerry :)
Hey, Phillip gave me some instruction on loading pics and vids.
BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME HOW TO CROP TO 65 X 65 THROUGH THE MIDDLE ! ;D ;D
(It was just that the shirt wasn't tucked in). .... (honest !) ;D
-
Pets we love !
-
Our lost innocence.
-
The human bomb !!
-
Aaaaaagh :o
Must get to bed !!!
CYALL
-
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the
local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a
very high class neighbourhood..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after
all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know. "
"I'm very sorry, officer, " replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find
a public restroom. "
"Ah, yes, " said the bobby... "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall
to a gate, which he opens. "In there, " points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want. " The fellow
enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call
'English Hospitality'? "
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy. "
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: funny, we don't call it the Hokey Pokey here in the UK ... it's The Okey Cokey!
..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
..... ohhhhhhhhhhh, Okey Cokey Cokey
..... Knees bent arms stretched ra ra ra!
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
Blimey, must be a riot in those pubs by closing time! :laugh: :laugh:
(Must think of a pub joke .... 'cept, I don't go to pubs !!) :-\
-
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A large well- established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his
axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. He took one look at
the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," he said.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what
they call it now !!"
-
Bush's Tragedy ;)
One day President Bush visited an elementary school. All the
kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to
talk to them and asked them to define the word 'tragedy'.
"Well," one girl replied, If my Mummy ran over my dog, Rover,
That would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie.
That would be an accident. Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said,
"I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off a cliff and killed
everyone."
The President shook his head and said, "No, son. That would
be a great loss. Doesn't anyone know a good example of a
tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if
you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile
and blown to smithereens, most people would think that was
a tragedy !"
"Very good," he said, "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would
not be a great loss !!"
-
Two Scots, Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub discussing
Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the
reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night."
Archie nod approvingly.
"Heavens, I 've even bought a kilt to be married in, " says Jock.
"A kilt ?" exclaims Archie. That's braw, you'll look pure smart
in that. And what's the tartan?" Archie enquires.
"Och," says Jock. "I'd imagine she'll be in white !!" ::)
-
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5. and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional . . . . . . .
-
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.
"Don't move until i tell you," she said, "Pretend you are a statue."
"What's this ?" her husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and i liked
it so I got one for us, too."
Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around
2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, " Have this, I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
-
Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington are on theTitanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts : "Save the women !"
George Bush hysterically screeches, "Screw the women !"
And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he asks, "Do we have time ?"
-
Hmmmmmm, folks,
Is it co-incidence that this thread has the initials KKK :o
Maybe some in the Deep South would identify with it? :-\
-
Better get home.
Have had quite enough of the office for one day.
Anyway ..... have to try out my new white ghost gown with the pointy hat ;)
-
Oh ... and Dottie, that one about George, George and Bill?
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:)
-
Hmmmmmm, folks,
Is it co-incidence that this thread has the initials KKK :o
Maybe some in the Deep South would identify with it? :-\
When I chose the name for the Komedy Klub, Rob, I was trying to be cute and tie it in with my own name. I thought, at the time, that Kerry's Komedy Klub had a nice, almost onomatopoeic, laughter-filled, tintinnabulesque ring to it.
Also in my mind at the time was the name of one of Sydney's most notorious gay "saunas," Ken's Karate Klub (at Kensington), better knows to the locals as KKK, thus giving the Komedy Klub a gay edge, to those in the know.
I was absolutely horrified when someone here at BetterMost pointed out to me that KKK had hate-filled, murderous connotations in the USA. The white supremacist organisation known as the KKK had not entered my head prior to then. The Komedy Klub had already been operating for some months at that time, and when I realised what a distressing, hurtful connotation the initials KKK had for some of our dear BetterMost neighbours, I gave serious consideration to changing the name of this thread. Rather than take such a drastic course of action, however, I instead resolved to never again refer to this thread as KKK, or even Kerry's Komedy Klub, for that matter. I now only ever refer to it as the Komedy Klub.
I am still open on this, however, and would be please to change the name of this thread if anyone here at BetterMost finds it distressing or offensive.
This message comes from my heart.
-
Another oldie, but goodie.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
dont complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseats you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both
Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey.......I love you too....
-
Oh ........
Yes. Well. Ummm. Should we scrub all posts with KKK in them ??? :-\
Hey, Kerry ...... what if you changed your name to Cerry ?? Then it could be .......
.. Naaaah. We'd all get confused, then.
-
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but
are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way the others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters."
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by
asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too
cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
something they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters."
Then there are those who love others and do what they
say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever
they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters."
Which are you ::)
-
Retirement Planning . . . . .
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With World Com you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would
have $49.00 left.
But, if you purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium
recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on
the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
It is called the 401 -Keg Plan.
-
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from his body, because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However,
the only skin suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before.
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty.
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need, every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
-
A man walked into the ladies' section of a Department store
and says to the woman behind the counter. " I' d like to buy
a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra, sir?" asks the assistant.
"Baptist," said the man. "She said a Baptist Bra and you would
know what she means."
"Ah yes, now I remember," says the saleslady . "We don't sell
many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type,
or the Salvation Army type or Presbyterian type."
Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple."
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen.
And the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
"So, what does the Baptist type do ?"
"Makes mountains out of molehills, she replied.
-
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but
are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Spec Taters."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted
at finding fault with the way the others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters."
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what
to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by
asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too
cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow
just never get around to doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be
something they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters."
Then there are those who love others and do what they
say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever
they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters."
Which are you ::)
Good one ... ;D :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
*********
Why do some ladies blame all their 'women's troubles' on males ??
Is it because they go through those life stages called ..
MEN struation
MEN opause, and
HIS torechtomy
??? ???
:-\ :-\ :-X
(ok, I know it's spelled HYS :-\)
Can anyone add anything?
For male troubles? (Do men HAVE troubles?)
-
Hi Kerry....Happy Weekend in OZ :) Would you post one of your delightful original cartoons ? 8)
-
Hi Kerry....Happy Weekend in OZ :) Would you post one of your delightful original cartoons ? 8)
Hi Doug! Lovely to hear from you! :D
Alas, most of my 'toons relate to Australia in that they satirize and pillory our locally grown religious leaders and politicians (the bigoted, homophobic ones!). They would probably be unknown to a non-Oz audience. I do have some that are more general in nature. Here's one.
Happy weekend to you too! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0030.jpg)
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Thanks, Kerry :) One of my favorites is the " mirror , mirror on the wall" cartoon :laugh:
-
*snip
*********
Why do some ladies blame all their 'women's troubles' on males ??
Is it because they go through those life stages called ..
MEN struation
MEN opause, and
HIS torechtomy
??? ???
:-\ :-\ :-X
(ok, I know it's spelled HYS :-\)
Can anyone add anything?
For male troubles? (Do men HAVE troubles?)
;)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/88.jpg)
-
Well, maybe we shouldn't MENtion things like that.
I mean, we can MANage to have good MANners in these MENtal exercises without being MENacing or MENdicant, can't we?
Or is it MANdatory?
:-\
-
Alas, most of my 'toons relate to Australia in that they satirize and pillory our locally grown religious leaders and politicians (the bigoted, homophobic ones!). They would probably be unknown to a non-Oz audience. I do have some that are more general in nature. Here's one.
Having said that, I have now decided to post my Oz-themed cartoons after all. They address universal themes that we can all relate to, even though one may not personally know the individual being satirized in the cartoon.
When posting my Aussie cartoons, I'll give a brief run-down, so we'll all know what it's about.
So let's make a beginning with this one, which comments on a story that appeared in the press last April. John Howard is the Prime Minister of Australia.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-0057.jpg)
-
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
-
Top Ten Excuses When Caught Sleeping on Your Desk
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8 ) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
-
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
;D
-
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.
"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.
"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."
-
Thanks, Kerry :D Looking forward to more 'toons from U :D
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(http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/7729/dogfandf0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/funny-22.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0040-1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0040-1.jpg)
:laugh: Spot on! :laugh:
-
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
;D
???
Ooooooh.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(It took a few seconds) ;D
-
Been away.
But will catch up soon. :)
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/BEER-1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/stress.jpg)
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
The instructions at the entrance read as follows:
1. You may visit this store only once.
2. There are six floors, and the product increases in price as you go up.
3. The shopper may choose a product from a particular floor, or go up to the next. It is not permitted to go back to a lower floor.
4. Shoppers may go down only to pay for their purchase and/or exit the store.
So …. A woman goes into the Husband Store to find a husband, and follows the instructions.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: ‘Floor 1 – These men have jobs’.
She keeps going.
On the second floor she reads: ‘Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids’.
(sigh)
On the third floor, the sign reads: ‘Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking’.
WOW, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going up.
She goes to the fourth floor, where the sign reads: ‘Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are young and drop dead gorgeous, and help with housework!!!’
‘Oh heavens’ she exclaims, ‘this is too good to be true’. ‘I don’t think I can stand it’ .. and goes to the next floor, where the sign reads:
‘Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are young and drop dead gorgeous, help with housework, and are very romantic’.
She is sooooo tempted to buy right there, but simply can’t resist, and goes to the next floor, where the sign reads:
‘Floor 6 – You are visitor number 7,456,012 to this floor.
Unfortunately, we could not find any perfect men to stock this level’.
‘Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store’.
***
-
Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress
comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President,
I thought that sort of piggish behaviour went out with the
last administration."
She storms off, and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes
his head at the president and says, " George, it's pronounced
QUICHE."
-
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was . "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it ?"
She thought for a moment, and then asked "Is it on or off ?"
-
THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
Actual exam bonus question, University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
Question: Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed.) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, then Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”
This student received the only 'A' in the class.
-
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
-
Having trouble posting a .jpg pic.
??
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/1614/898gy2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/525/life2wn3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/7509/life3ev9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Everybody who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot"
So I call mine "Sex" Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's liccnse. I told the
clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
. . .He said, "I would like to have one too !"
, , , Then I said, "But she is a dog !"
, , , He said he didn't care what she looked like.
, , , I said, "You don't understand . . . I have had Sex since I was nine years old.
. . . He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
. . . When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would
like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after
the wedding was over.
. . . I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
world revolves around Sex."
. . . He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and he
would not maarry us in his church.
. . . I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
. . . The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace, My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
. . . He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
. . . I said, "You don't understand . . .Sex keeps me awake at night."
. . . The clerk said, "Me too !"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
. . . He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
. . . You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
. . . He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
. . . The Judge said, "Me too !"
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 am. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
- - My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
. . . Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
. . . I replied, " Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer, so lonely."
. . . The doctor said, " Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog !!"
-
A pirate walked inro a bar and the bartender said, " Hey I haven't seen
you for awhile. What happened. You look terrible."
"What do you mean ? I feel fine", said the pirate.
"What about the wooden leg ?" You didn't have that before."
"Well we were in battle and I got hit by a canon ball, but I'm fine now.
"Well, what about the hook. What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got intoa sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine."
"What about the eye patch ?
"Oh one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, and I
looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "But surely you couldn't
lose an eye just from a little bird poop?"
"It was my first day with the hook !!"
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z0059.jpg)
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I'm lovin' all these jokes and stories and cartoons ... BRILLIANT!!
Susie :-*
That's the understatement of the year, Susiebell!!!
Dot.matrix .. you would leave everyone in your dust.
Love the cartoons, Kerry.
THANK YOU, people.
(It means rather a lot at the moment). :)
-
A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law
hoping it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable for
the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something
to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however,
he would shake his head and mumble a reply.
Very curious about this bizzare behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' "
The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake
my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year !!' "
-
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of
his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone
and dialled 000 and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically. His Lexus which he had picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving,
the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing ?" askd the lawyer.
The cop replied, " Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down ? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex ?"
-
A couple returned from their honeymoon, and it it's obvious that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him
aside and asks ehat is wrong.
"Well, " replied the man, "When we had finished making love on
the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill
on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much.," said his friend,
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect
you to have been saving yourself all these years."
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over
this though, She gave me $20 change !!"
-
If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like :
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/3.gif)
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others
know when they have invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and
nuzzle them gently.
(http://bestsmileys.com/dogs/1.gif)
-
A Man walks into a bar with his son. His son is very unusual, he has no body, just a head.
As the boy takes his first sip of beer, *POP*, two arms spring out of his head.
As he takes another sip, *POP*, two legs appear from nowhere.
On his final sip, *POP* a complete body pops out.
Delighted with his new body, he skips out of the bar and *BAM* get run over and killed by a truck.
The bar tender turns to the dad and says "He should have quit while he was ahead."
*groan*
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thgroan-1.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/322248486cd51370cbddf9d2a930560837b.gif) (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thPIPE3396CustomImage0495103.gif)
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Hehehe! I love those smileys Dottie ... I'm going to pinch them!!
Susie (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/322248486cd51370cbddf9d2a930560837b.gif)
You're welcome to any smilies I post Darlin ;)
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Honda, in Japan, after a long process of research, will shortly be releasing a motorcycle which runs on natural gas.
They have released the prototype of this revolutionary invention on their website. :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/honda.jpg)
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(http://bestsmileys.com/animals/3.gif)
Good one Kerry !
-
A Man walks into a bar with his son. His son is very unusual, he has no body, just a head.
As the boy takes his first sip of beer, *POP*, two arms spring out of his head.
As he takes another sip, *POP*, two legs appear from nowhere.
On his final sip, *POP* a complete body pops out.
Delighted with his new body, he skips out of the bar and *BAM* get run over and killed by a truck.
The bar tender turns to the dad and says "He should have quit while he was ahead."
*groan*
GROAN ?
Aw ... I thought it was good great. ;D
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him ... and finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a hot cup of coffee in his hands. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What's the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room,
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met, 20 years ago,
and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is quite touched, thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember”, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?””
“I remember that too” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
“I would have gotten out today!” :'(
-
;D Funny Bits ;D
**warning: some of these are cringe worthy ::)
??? What is a Yankee?
;D The same as a Quickie, but a guy can do it alone
??? What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
;D The position of the dirt bag.
??? Why is divorce so expensive?
;D Because it's worth it.
??? What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
;D Doughnuts....
??? Why is air a lot like sex?
;D Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
??? What do you call a smart blonde?
;D A golden retriever.
??? What do attorneys use for birth control?
;D Their personalities.
??? What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
;D 10 years and 45 lbs
??? What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
;D 45 minutes
??? What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
:o Through his chest with a sharp knife.
??? Why do men want to marry virgins?
::) They can't stand criticism.
??? Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
;) Because those men already have boyfriends.
??? What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
;D After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
??? What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
;) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
??? Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
:D Because they have cotton balls.
??? What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
8) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
??? What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
:'( "Are you sure it's mine?"
??? Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>:( Mace will do that to you.
??? Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
;) Breasts don't have eyes.
??? Why do drivers' education classes in some schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
:-X Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
??? Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
;) They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
??? What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
::) A speech impediment.
??? What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
:-\ They're hiring.
??? What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
:o A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
??? How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
:laugh: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
??? What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
:) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ."
::) A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
??? Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
:-\ No one is tall enough to go on the good rides
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/dog.jpg)
-
Four men were being interviewed for a job.
>>The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
>>The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
>>forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
>>fastest
>>thing I know of."
>>"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
>>"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
>>"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
>>and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
>>of."
>>"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
>>popular cliché for speed."
>>He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
>>"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
>>there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
>>the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
>>fastest thing I can think of."
>>The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
>>had
>>found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
>>Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
>>"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest
>>thing known is diarrhoea," said the Aussie.
>>"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
>>"Oh, I can explain," said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't
>>feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think,
>>blink,
>>or turn on the light, I sh*t my pants."
>>He got the job
___
-
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/downarrows.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/downarrows.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/downarrows.jpg)
BP (http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bee.jpg)
-
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe, and placed his order.
He said, " I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a
pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
she went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out
there just ordered 3 flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
running boards. What does he think this place is - - an auto
parts store ?"
"No," said the cook, Three flat tires means 3 pancakes, a pair
of headlights means 2 eggs sunny side up, and running boards
are 2 slices of bacon."
"Oh, OK !" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker says, "What are the beans for Blondie ?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the tires, the
headlights and the running boards, you might as well gas up !!"
For once the blonde gets even. ;D
-
I recently visited a new doctor. After two visits to the GP and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80 ?"
He asked, :Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine ?"
"Oh, no," I replied, "I'm not doing drugs either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib eye steaks and barbecued ribs ?"
"No, I don't." I said, "My former doctor said red meat was
unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking or bicycling ?"
"No," I said.
He asked, " Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have too much sex ?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things,"
He looked at me and said, "Then why in the hell would you want
to live to be 80 ?"
-
A woman gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man
stands up to give her his seat.
"Patronising old fool." she mutters as she pushes him back down.
A minute later, another woman gets on and the old man rises to
his feet once more.
"Male chauvinist pig," seethes the woman as she pushes him
back down again.
The bus stops again and more women got on, and once more the
little old man attempts to stand up.
"You're living in the Stone Age" hisses the woman as she pushes
him down.
"For Heaven's sake Ladies!" wails the little old man. "Will, you let me get
off ? I've missed three stops already !"
Ooooppps ::)
-
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
(http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/5316/jesussaveszy4.th.jpg) (http://img257.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jesussaveszy4.jpg)
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(http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/9288/20061023homeownershd7.jpg)
Idiot :'(
-
So, George W Bush is doing yet another photo op at an elementary school, and this one’s been going pretty well, so he offers to take questions. A little boy raises his hand.
“Okay, you,” says George, smiling. “What’s your name?”
“Billy.”
“Billy. And what’s your question?”
“I have three questions,” Billy says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden?”
George is taken aback. “Uh, those are really hard questions,” he says.
Just then the bell rings. “Whoops, time for recess!” George says. “Guess I’ll have to answer your questions when recess is over.”
After recess, when the kids have settled back down again, George says “Okay, who’s got a question?”
A little kid raises his hand, and George calls on him.
“What’s your name?” George asks.
“Steve.”
“Okay, Steve. What’s your question?”
“I have five questions,” Steve says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for recess ring twenty minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?”
-
George Bush and George Bush were dragging a deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his alongside theirs.
"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, George and George decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," said George, "but we're getting farther from the truck. ::)
-
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses George.
"George, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
-
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
-
The husband has just finished reading a book entitled,
'You can be the man of your house.' He stormed out to
his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of the house, and my
word is law."
"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I have
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe
"The you will massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows
and make me comfortable for a good night's sleep.
Then tomorrow, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The local funeral director would be my first guess."
-
(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/158/123586mnv6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/8971/cowboyqq7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
-
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a little lamb sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Baaaa. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Baaaa. 9 Iron." He looks at the little lamb and decides to prove the lamb wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the little lamb, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky lamb, eh?"
The little lamb reply's "Baaaa. Lucky lamb."
The man decides to take the little lamb with him to the next hole. "What do you think little lamb?" the man asks.
"Baaaa. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the little lamb, "OK where to next?"
The little lamb replies "Baaaa. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK little lamb, now what?"
The lamb says, "Baaaa Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?"
The little lamb replies, "Baaaa. $3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the little lamb down and says,
"Lamb, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The little lamb replies, "Baaaa, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the little lamb did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the little lamb turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
-
Baaaa !!!! Baaaa !!!! :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-0076.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-0076.jpg)
Brillant :D
-
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
-
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/homealone.jpg)
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For those who do not know, James McGreevey is the former Governor of New Jersey who announced his resignation in 2004 after revealing that he is gay and that he had an ongoing adulterous affair with a man. Like everyone else these days he's written a book
Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey's Book
From "The Late Show With David Letterman," Top Ten Lists:
10. "The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself"
9. "How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years"
8. "From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I'd Like to Oil Up"
7. "Another Confession – I Can't Resist Entenmann's Pound Cake"
6. "At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan"
5. "The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?"
4. "A Look at the Governor's Balls"
3. "Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth"
2. "How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…"
1. "Why I Don't Like Bush"
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/LifeinHell.jpg)
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of
a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist
in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to
come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across
the garden, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this ?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the
mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new. So how come, I make $39,675 a year and you
get a million, when we are doing basically the same work ?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-0054.jpg)
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I post; therefore I am a 'Senior Ranch Hand'.
Aaaaagh. Why does it have to be Senior :o
Phillip ... Can't I please be a 'Supervising Ranch Hand' or something?
;D
-
OUCH!
>
>
> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
>
> AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE!
>
>
>
> I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>
> DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
>
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
>
>
>
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
>
> BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
>
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
>
>
>
> THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
>
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
>
>
>
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
>
>
>
> "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
>
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
>
>
> HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959 . WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
>
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
>
> THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT
>
> SON-OF-A-GUN ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
>
>
-
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The Chiormaster stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
-
The Chiormaster stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/thumbsuck.jpg)
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Most Australians will know of the outspoken homophobic bigot, the Reverend Fred Nile.
For those of you unfamiliar with his nefarious work, think of him as the Australian equivalent of Jerry Falwell. >:(
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0005.jpg)
Yee-Haw! This is my 2000th post, y'all! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/thumbsuck.jpg)
:laugh:
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CONGRATULATION KERRY YOU DA BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
One of the consequences of having a pope from Bavaria....
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f192/fritzkep/Pope.jpg)
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Bob, a rather handsome hunk of man, walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared
up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on and the
news crew was covering a story about a man on the ledge of
a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he did jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20
bill on the bar and said, "You're on !"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The
blonde was very upset, but willingly handed over her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money !!
-
CONGRATULATIONS, Kerry ;)
I always look forward to your posts. :D
You are a talented, creative, amazing, unique, sensitive, gentle, and handsome man. :D
Let's all raise our glass of favorite beverage and toast our friend in OZ, Kerry. :D
For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, Which nobody can deny :D
Hip, Hip, HOORAY !!! Hip, Hip, HOORAY !!! Hip, Hip, HOORAY !!! 8)
Blessings and Hugs
Doug
:)
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(http://bestsmileys.com/numbers/2.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/numbers/10.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/numbers/10.gif)(http://bestsmileys.com/numbers/10.gif) POSTS!!!
You go Kerry! Keep up the good work, I love your posts!
:-* {{{Kerry}}} :-*
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(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/7696/larsoncartoonwn1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Thank you Dottie, Doug and Janice, for your best wishes! :D
I was absolutely thrilled to have made my 2000th post. And equally as thrilled to be acknowledged by my BetterMost peers! :D
I love you guys! :-* :-* :-*
-
One of the consequences of having a pope from Bavaria....
:laugh: ROTFL :laugh:
And because I'm a Catholic, I'm allowed to post this one. ;) Earlier this year, Benedict XVI was quoted in the press as having said this. :-\ The response from the chap on the right, however, is entirely my own invention! ;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-0039.jpg)
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One of the consequences of having a pope from Bavaria....
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f192/fritzkep/Pope.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: What would life be like without a decent Brezn and a gscheits Bier! ;D
Dagi
-
Kerry, you are brilliant!
-
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise
for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the
ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at the
moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the agent phoned and said he could get
them on a three day cruise. The guy was disappointed it was
such a short cruise, but he booked it and went to the drug-store
to buy 3 sea sick pills and 3 condoms.
The next day the agent called back and reported that he had a
5 day cruise to offer.
"Great, I'll take it," said the guy.. He returned to the same pharmacy
to buy two more sea sick pills and two condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet sgsin, snd said he
was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an 8 day cruise.
The guy was elated and went back to the chemist. He asked for
three mor sea sick pills and three condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look,
I'm not trying to pry. But if it makes you so sick why do you
keep on doing it ?"
-
A little girl aked her mother, "Can I go outside to play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they are too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few minutes and then asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him ?" ::)
-
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
-
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Kerry, you are brilliant!
Thank ya kindly, Dagi. :-*
I'm on a roll! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0009-1.jpg)
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Subject: Goldfish
Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself. The answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:
Do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no, and then read below.
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
_____________________________________________________________________
-
How to maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity. . . .
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)Put your waste paper bin on your desk and label it "IN."
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)Order a diet water wherever you go out in the car, with a straight face.
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
(http://bestsmileys.com/bouncing/14.gif)When the money comes out of the ATM scream: "I won ! I won !!"
-
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a..............(scroll down for the answer)
(http://bestsmileys.com/eyes/16.gif) have you guessed yet ...
(http://bestsmileys.com/clocks/5.gif) wait for it...
(http://bestsmileys.com/cool/2.gif) almost there ....
it made him a: super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
(http://bestsmileys.com/blushing/7.gif) ( I know..pretty bad huh!) :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bed.jpg)
-
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a sheep home... :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/waldo.jpg)
-
Rev Fred Nile is the Australian version of Jerry Falwell. :(
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0006.jpg)
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I really love your cartoon, drawing style. Kerry it is wonderful..Reminds me of early twentiet century things. Like from the New Yorker magazine... very stylish..and funny!
-
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Asshole.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/CDMonk.jpg)
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to the local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind
a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am so
sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain
brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 am."
Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note to the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find $10,000 in a
brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note . . . .
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would
do this to another !!" ::)
-
By the time a Marine pulled into a small town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or
just s bed, I don't care where."
"Well I do have a double room with one occupant; a Navy
guy," admitted the manager, " and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that
people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past, so
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
'No problem," said the Marine, "I'll take it."
The next morning, the Marine came down to breakfast,
bright-eyed and bushy taied.
"How'd you sleep ?" asked the manager.
"Never better"
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then ?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that ?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring when I came into the room,"
the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the
cheek said, "Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night
watching me !!"
:laugh: Semper Fi !
-
The government is considering additional warnings on beer
and alcohol bottles, such as :
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again, until your friends
want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Thor.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your pants.
-
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.. "Yoo hoo," she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side ?"
The second blonde looks up and down the river, and shouts back.
"Hellooo, you ARE on the other side !!"
;D
-
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
<><>
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
<><>
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(are you ready? this is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
-
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears. Hundreds of cute little bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium sized
ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
<><><>
The woman is surprised that this hunky guy would have a collection of teddy bears, but she decides not to
mention how impressed she is by his sensitive side. Things progress and they get down to an intense night
of passion.
Afterwards, lying side by side, the woman rolls over andasks smiling, “Well, how was it?”
<><><>
Macho man says; “ Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
-
A senior citizen said to his 80 year old chess partner,
“So I hear you are getting married ?”
“Yep,” was the firm reply. “Do I know her?” he asked.
“Nope,” was another firm reply.
“This woman, is she good looking?””Not really,” said the
prospective groom. “Is she a good cook?”
“Can’t cook to save herself,” the old fella said.
“Does she have lots of money?”
“No, poor as a churchmouse,” he said.
“Well the, she must be good in bed?”
“I”I don’t know,” was the surprising answer.
“Why in the world do you want to marry her?”
“Because she can still drive.”
-
*snip
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(are you ready? this is a beauty .)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes! (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/271.gif)
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I really love your cartoon, drawing style. Kerry it is wonderful..Reminds me of early twentiet century things. Like from the New Yorker magazine... very stylish..and funny!
Thank you for your kind words, Janice. I'm glad you're enjoying my cartoons. :D
Here's one about an ongoing debate raging in Oz at present about our present water shortage, specifically whether we should build desalination plants or recycle sewage. Seems that everyone has a point of view. As for myself, I personally prefer the desalination option. Can't seem to get my head around drinking recycled sewage. Yetch! :P :-\
This chap makes a very valid point! ;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0013.jpg)
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The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Congratulations on 1,000 posts, Dagi! Yee-Haw!
-
;D Hey Daqi Congratualtions on reaching 100 posts! ;D
-
A man is playing piano one night in a bar,
In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist,
and suddenly starts to cry.
“There there,” says the pianist.
“Do you recognise the song?”
“No, no,” says the elephant.
“I recognise the white keys.”
-
A Polish man moved to Australia and married a local girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s
office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.
The lawyer ( L) said that getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances, and this exchange took place
with the client ( C).
L – Have you any grounds ?
C – Yes, half a hectare and a nice little home.
L – I mean what is the foundation of this case ?
C – It made of concrete.
L – I don’t think you understand. Does either of you
have a real grudge ?
C – No , we have carport.
L – I mean what are your relations like ?
C – All my relations still in Poland.
L – Is there any infidelity in your marriage ?
C – We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L – Does your wife beat you up ?
C – No, I’m always up before her.
L – Why do you want this divorce ?
C – She is going to kill me. I got proof.
L – What kind of proof ?
C – She is going to poison me. She got a bottle from
the super-market and put it on the bathroom shelf.
I can read, and it says , “ Polish Remover.”
-
An elderly couple showed up at the doctor’s office
together one day The doctor asks “What can I do for you ?”
The man said, “We’d like you to watch us have sex, and
make sure everything is all right.”
<><><>
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple
finished, the doctor daid,”There’s nothing wrong with the way
you have sex, everything id fine.” He charged them $50. and
they went on their way.
<><><>
The next week, they showed up again with the same request,
and the next week and several weeks in a row. The couple would
make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor
and leave. Finally the doctor asked, “ Just exactly what
are you trying to find out ?”
<><><>
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She
is married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t
go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50. and I get
$43. back from Medicare.”
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A husband and a wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into
a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on. Finally, the counselor gets
up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up, and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to
the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times
a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I golf."
-
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several
hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister,
and the severe pain he was in, the doctor
prescribes continuous intravenous feeding
with saline, electrolytes, a sedative,
and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says,
"What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied,
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
-
(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/3111/nyer2bmencheckingur4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/6576/nyerfriendfc9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Congratulations on 1,000 posts, Dagi! Yee-Haw!
Thank you guys! You´re sweet!
Dagi
-
A man is playing piano one night in a bar,
In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist,
and suddenly starts to cry.
“There there,” says the pianist.
“Do you recognise the song?”
“No, no,” says the elephant.
“I recognise the white keys.”
:'(
-
"What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied,
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
:laugh:
Thanks to all of you for all those great, great jokes!! I love you guys!
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0079.jpg)
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I might sound like a broken record, but I have to say it again: Kerry, you are brilliant!
Dagi 8)
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Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
And for the grand finally
10. If its broken, it's yours.
(http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/9987/flyingdogpictureyz7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date,
Peggy Sue. Harold is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a
duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's
mother aswers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue is not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold politely replies that they will probably just go to the
ice cream shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother. "We know Peggy Sue likes to
screw. Why she'd screw all night if we let her !"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately
he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her
saddle shoes, and announces she is ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date
out the front door while Mum is saying, "Have a good evening
kids." With a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue
rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and
screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mum. The Twist !! The
Twist!! It's called the Twist !!!?
-
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped in at the deep end. He sank to the
bottom and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. .
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as
she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is tou're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, so I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his dressing gown belt right after you saved him.
I am sorry but he is dead."
Edna replied, " Oh he didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home ?"
-
Dog Circus
(http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/103/dogbikeih1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
(http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/8958/dogcircusyh5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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I might sound like a broken record, but I have to say it again: Kerry, you are brilliant!
Dagi 8)
Thank ya kindly, Dagi. :)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cult.jpg)
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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh ?" She says, "62 kilos."
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70 kg.
The nurse asks, "Your height ?" "5ft 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4"
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high !" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender !
Now I'm short and fat !!"
-
some fun questions - - -
(http://bestsmileys.com/aliens/14.gif)If the sky is the limiit, then what is space, over the limit?
(http://bestsmileys.com/art/17.gif)Are marbles made out of marble ?
(http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/6807/smileyfrenchqu2.jpg)When French people swear do they say Pardon my English?
(http://bestsmileys.com/art/4.gif)Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the
leftovers from the people who got there first ?
(http://img54.imageshack.us/img54/7107/mickeymouse3ke6.gif)Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse ?
(http://bestsmileys.com/happy/3.gif)"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute ?
(http://bestsmileys.com/happy/7.gif)If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
(http://bestsmileys.com/happy/9.gif)Can you get cornered in a round room ?
(http://bestsmileys.com/scared/7.gif)Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother-in-law, they come out to Woman Hitler ?
(http://bestsmileys.com/music1/1.gif)How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play ?
-
Meanwhile, in the chat room . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/chatroompics.jpg)
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Do they ever forget?
I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.
'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the
student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?'
'Sadness' said the student.
'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from the
Cambridge. 'Elation,' she said..
'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How
about the opposite of woe?'
The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up'.
-
An elderly doctor took a young partner into his practice
and said,: "I would like you to accompany me on my visit
tomorrow so that you can observe my procedure, which
you may care to adopt." So the next day they set off.
The first visit was to a rather plump lady, the old doctor,
after introducing his new young partner, then took her
temperature, but dropped the thermometer which
he retrieved from under the bed where it had fallen.
As they prepared to depart, he said : "You know, Mrs.
Goodbody, you would recover much quicker if you didn't
eat so many chocolates." The patient blushed and they left.
When they were outside the house, the young doctor asked :
"How did you know about her eating chocolates ?"
"Well," replied the other, " you saw me stoop down to pick up
the thermometer? Under the bed were all the chocolate
wrappers.
At the next house a very elegant lady was sitting up in bed
in readiness for their visit. So the old doctor said : "I've
brought along my new partner who will attend to you this
morning Mrs. Loveday. Whereupon the young doctor proceeded
to take the patient's temperature and he also dropped the
thermometer which fell to the floor.
As they were leaving he said, "Mrs. Loveday, you ought not
to be taking quite so much interest in church affairs."
When they had left the house, the old doctor asked,
"Why on earth did you say that about the church ?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "I did what you did and
dropped the thermometer and when I reached under
the bed to pick it up, there was the vicar !!"
-
I have just been informed that there is a dangerous virus being
passed around electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is
called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK) If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known
as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-
Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER) Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should share this information with 5 freiends ! If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
-
Wedding vows inspired by Dr. Seuss
(http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/3245/seussup9.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
written by Marty Blase
whose fiancee, bless her, refused to use them for their wedding ::)
Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.
<><><><>
Pastor: Will you take her as your wife?
Will you love her all your life?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife,
Yes, I'll love her all my life.
<><><><>
Pastor: Will you have, and also hold
Just as you have at this time told?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.
<><><><>
Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!
<><><><>
Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!
<><><><><>
Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!
<><><><><>
Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?
<><><><>
Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!
<><><><>
Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:
<><><><>
Pastor and Groom: I DO!
<><><><>
Pastor: You're married now!
So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.
-
Boys, pul-ease, not in the middle of the oval! :o Save the hanky-panky for the locker room! ::)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/footy.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
You all do a great job!
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Dress to Kill
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/wallis3dresstokill.jpg)
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman Jones, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted into the Army
On his first day of basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush, That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth out.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.
-
True Friendship. None of that Sissy Crap.
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always
sound good, but never actually come close to reality.
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true
friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this one. Just the
stone cold truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad - - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the effing b*****d who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you got lucky.
4. When you are scared - - I will make fun of you about it, every
chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath - - - I pledge it to the end.
Why you may ask; "Because you are my friend."
OK maybe one cutesy little smiley faces :laugh:
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Mrs. Smith : Doctor, please can you help me ? I've had twelve
children and I'm pregnant again and I don't want any more kids
after this one. I desperately need a hearing aid.
Doctor : A hearing aid ? What do you want a hearing aid for ?
Surely you want some birth control pills or some form of
contraception ?
Mrs. Smith : No Doctor, I definitely want a hearing aid. You see,
my husband gets drunk every Friday night and comes into
bed and says to me, "Do you want to go to sleep or what ?"
Me, being a bit deaf, I always say "What ?"
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tsk, tsk, tsk ::) but when you're right you're right! ;) hehehe
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God called Adam aside one day and said,
“I’ve been pondering the best way to expand on the species of man,
I think procreation is the way to go so before creating a mate for you I
thought I’d give you some options.
How would you like a mate who would slways do as she was
asked to with loving good grace, prepare delicious meals for
you, keep your home in immaculate condition, bear you sons
and daughters and bring them up as offspring that you would
be proud of, and at the same time be always willing to satisfy
your male needs.”
“Wow God,” said Adam “that sounds really great, how much would a mate like that cost?”
“Well,” said God, “that’s one thing about her, she would be expensive, probably an arm and a leg.”
“Gee God” said Adam, “what could I get for a rib?”
-
John died and went to Heaven.
When he got to the Pearly Gates,Saint Peter told him that new rules
were in effect due to advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must
answer three questions:
1. What two days of the week begin with “T”?
2. How many seconds in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
John thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and
Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, OK, I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though
it’s not the answer I expected. Technically you are correct,
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God’s
first name is Andy or Howard?”
John responded, “Well. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd & so on."
“OK then I give,” said Saint Peter. “But what about God’s first name?”
John said, “Well from the song….Andy walks with me, Andy talks
with me, Andy tells me I am his own…..And then from the prayer….
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….”
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
-
tsk, tsk, tsk ::) but when you're right you're right! ;) hehehe
Haha! There are a couple of ways of interpreting this cartoon. One can either accept the most obvious message as presented or, alternatively, choose to look deeper. You will notice that the woman on the left is a crucifix-wearing Christian. The chap on the right is also a Christian - he wears the symbol of Christ on his tee-shirt. Therefore, if one accepts that he is a Christian, his "You're half right," response could be interpreted to mean, "Yes, it is true that Jerry Falwell went to Heaven, but he is not really dead because he lives for ever in Paradise with his Lord." The interpretation is up to you haha! ;) :D
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The Recipe
A man is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Ted exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Ted asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow four inches! You should try it."
Ted agrees, and the two say good-bye.
A few months later, the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Ted how his situation is.
Ted replied, "I did what you said, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it Ted, Crisco is shortening!"
MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe.
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Dumb Horse
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
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Catholic School picnic
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9932/cheekylh9.gif)
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Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals, when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."
The men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"
Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"
The blonde replies, "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!" ;)
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Joe passed away. His will provided £ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £ 500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
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"Christian Pick Up Lines" from belief.net (http://belief.net)
1) Nice bible
2) I would like to pray with you
3) You know Jesus, Me too
4) God told me to come talk to you
5) I know a church where we could go and talk
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8 ) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug
9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18) Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? I, I, mean "What Would Jesus Do"
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus yeah that's his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
25) What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
26) We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.
27) God has used you to teach me what true love really is.
28) Christians kiss before parting -- it's an old Jewish tradition.
29) When they designed those Precious Moment figurines, I'll bet you were the model.
30) I have an extra dove pin. Want me to pin it on you?
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The new gay prostitute just finished his first trick. When he came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
He said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome blond marine."
"What did he want to do?" they all asked.
"I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much.
"So I told him a BJ would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.
"Finally I said, 'Well, how much do you have?' The marine said that he only had $25."
The new guy said, "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
The marine agreed and after getting the finances straight, the new guy said, "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and both his hands were on it....."
"OMG!" they all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I smiled and licked my lips and I loaned him $75!" he said. :o
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the deputy, because he
is a lawyer from New York and is certain he has a better
education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove
this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, " What for ?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says , " I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
and registration please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference >"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop. That's the law. License and registration please."
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his night-stick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down ?"
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An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down
next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who never-the-less
started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his
mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole loaf ?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed at being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, " Yes, of course ."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face, the Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, "Do you eat jam with the bread ?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Yes." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we have fresh
fruit for breakfast, we collect all the peels, seeds and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into Jam and sell it to
Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States ?"
The American smiled and said, "Of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer and asked, "What do you do with the
condoms once you've used them ?"
"We throw them away, of course, replied the American. Now it was
the Australian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
That's why they are called Wrigleys !!"
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"A Woman's Title."
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration
office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the counter clerk,
"do you have a job or are you just a ...?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
Said the clerk emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Medicare office.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and
possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or
"Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant
words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement
was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the
whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the
humanities, (any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me
to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just
another Mum." Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations?"
And great grandmothers
"Executive Senior Research Associates?"
I think so!!
I also think it makes Aunts
"Associate Research Assistants."
-
There were two nuns. One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other was known as Sister Logical (SL)
It was getting dark and they were still far from the convent.
SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM : Oh no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.
What can we do ?"
SL : The only logical thing to do of course, is to walk faster,
SM : It's not working.
SL : Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So what will we do ? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL : The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM : Sister Logical, Thank God you are here. Tell me what
happened.
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.
SM : Yes. Yes. But what happened then ?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And .???
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear, What did you do ?
SL : The only logica thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM : Oh. no. What happened then ?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.
And for all those of you who thought it would be dirty - -
Say two Hail Marys !!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/photo016.jpg)
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Warning! :o These are both equally politically incorrect! :-\
Sense of humour required before progressing beyond this point! :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image016.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/HazardousMaterials.jpg)
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One day the US President's wife died and went to Heaven.
When she got there she was met by St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
She saw lots of clocks, all moving at different speeds. She asked
St Peter about them.
He replied, "They are lie clocks and the hands tick every time
a person lies."
She saw one that had only moved twice and St Peter told her
that it was Mother Theresa's clock. Then she saw one that had
moved eight times. St Peter told her it was George Washington's
clock.
Then she asked "Where's George's clock ?" to which St Peter
replied, "It's in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan !!"
-
An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible
man throughout his life and even the devil wanted to punish
him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge-
hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the
humidity. :Love my kingdom," laughs the devil.
After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see
he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at
the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy
tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand
this. I turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks
. . . why are you so happy ?"
The Aussie, smiling, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great !
It reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place
to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic !"
The devil extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussie's
remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down
driving rain and torrential wind. Soon hell is a wet muddy mess.
Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the
Aussie is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheel-
barrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such conditions.
The Aussie replies, " This is great. Just like September in Darwin.
It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting."
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry and desperate to make
hell really hell, he gives it one last ditch effort. He makes the
temperature plummet. Suddenly, hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident that this will surely make the Australian unhappy, the
devil checks in on him.
He is aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing and
twirling his sledge- hammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy ? Don;t you know it's 40 below zero ?"
Jumping up and down, the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil
and yells, "Hell's frozen over !! This means that the Wallabies
won the World Cup !!"
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer.
She read, ",,, and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling !!"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think
the farmer said ?" One little girl raised her hand and said,
"Holy Crap, a talking chicken !!"
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Jumping up and down, the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil
and yells, "Hell's frozen over !! This means that the Wallabies
won the World Cup !!"
:'( The Wallabies lost to England again! :'(
And it was that bloody Johnny Wilkinson who swung the game for the English again! >:(
Where can I take out a contract on that bloke? 8) ;)
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:'( The Wallabies lost to England again! :'(
And it was that bloody Johnny Wilkinson who swung the game for the English again! >:(
Where can I take out a contract on that bloke? 8) ;)
Hmm, on second thought, maybe I won't take a contract out on Johnny Wilkinson after all. I can think of better ways (yeah, better ways for me!) to make him suffer!!! ;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/4-JohnnyWilkinson.jpg)
Cute? ??? Yep! :D Sigh! ::) ;)
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful."
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them.
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so you know who :)
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Go Johnny ... go Johnny ... go Johnny!!! ;D ;D ;D
Now look what's happened! As if the Rugby wasn't bad enough! Australia will never live this down! :o ;)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/RU.jpg)
Quick, hand me that can of white paint! :laugh:
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.
Love the sneaky dog, Rob! :D
I need one at work right now! :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cartoonbaby.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ae7f.jpg)
Hey cutie! What's your name? Daisy? :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cartoonlatin.jpg)
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York and asks to
see the manager.
She says she is going to Hong Kong on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some sort of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
and she has the title and everything checks out. The bank
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all have a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $200,000 Ferrari as collateral for
a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds
to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000
loan and the interest which comes to $15.41.
The manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
your business, and this transaction has worked out well,
but we are a little puzzled."
"While you were away, we had you checked out and
found out you are a millionairess. "What puzzles us is,
why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"
The blonde replies, " Where else in New York can I park
my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return ?"
A win for the Blondes for a change !!
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An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fitted up nice; picnic
tables. horseshoe courts, basketball courts, etc. The
pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He took a bucket to pick some nearby fruit. As he came
closer to the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and
they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women
shouted out to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only
came to feed the alligator."
Moral : Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and
inexperience . . .
-
This guy lived on his own and was feeling a bit lonely, so he
goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company.
The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking
centipede. OK thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought
one and took it home.
That night, he decided to test out his new pet and said, "I'm
going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too ?"
There was no reply.
He tried again, "Oi centipede, wanna come to the boozer with
me ?" No response.
So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided
to give it one more try before he took it back to the shop. So he
took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the
pub for a drink, do you want to come ?"
"For goodness sake, I heard you the first time," snapped the
centipede. "I'm just putting my shoes on !!"
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cartoontruck.jpg)
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(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/1.gif)
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little interlude.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/3.gif)
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
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Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/1.gif)
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/19.gif)
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/23.gif)
8. You ask for high fiber candy only. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif)
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/16.gif)
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/19.gif)
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/23.gif)
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif)
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/16.gif)
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. (http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/19.gif)
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/23.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/19.gif)
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(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/9956/h359fd3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/15.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0022.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0022.jpg)
:laugh:
I love your cartoons Kerry! Please keep on posting them! :D
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:laugh:
I love your cartoons Kerry! Please keep on posting them! :D
Thank you kindly, David. I'm glad you're enjoying my cartoons. More to follow! :D
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices local vendors
were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe, I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price !"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined the blonde
turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an
alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly towards her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with
a great deal of effort hauled it up on the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shop-
keeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, :Damn it, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either !!"
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An officer in the US Naval Reserve was attending a conference
including admirals from both the US Navy and the French Navy.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that
included personnel from both Navies.
The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then
asked why is it we have to speak English at these conferences
rather than you speak French ?"
Without hesitation, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans have
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
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Jake was dying.
His wife Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running downher face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "Becky,
my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said, "Rest, don't talk.
He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must
confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, No, I must die in peace Becky. I I . . .I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother !"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you !!"
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cartoonant.jpg)
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The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls'. I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight. . . .'I promise.'
Well the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too
easy, Around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times. Quickly realising he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed)
in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew !!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh S**t
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat and cuckooed another
3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat."
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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat
silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny
for your thoughts, Angus,"
"Well, I was thinking" . . . perhaps its aboot time for a wee kiss.
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch, Minutes passed and then the girl spoke again,
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well I was thinking . . .perhaps its now about time for a wee cuddle.:
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds..
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze over the loch.
After a while, she again said,"Another penny for your thoughts Angus."
"Well I was thinking . . .perhaps its aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze over
the loch, before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts
Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, now,"
he said, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really ?" said the girl, in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, "Don't you think its aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies ?"
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Now for a few short ones...
Two Mexican cops are investigating a murder.
Carlos turns to his partner and asks, "So what do you
think ?" to which his partner replies, "I think he's been shot by
a golf gun."
"I've never heard of a golf gun before, " said Carlos.
His partner replies, "Well, it sure made a hole in Juan."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thgroan-1.gif)
Did you hear about the Irish couple who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/pillowfight.gif)
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a police-man and said, "I have lost my Dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like ?"
The little boy replied, ""Beer and women with big boobs."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/upherebl.gif)
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She says, "Go on ask me, I know them all."
A friend says, "OK What is the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, " Oh that's easy : W."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/blondemoment.jpg)
A woman standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror
says to her husband, "I feel fat, saggy and ugly. Pay me
a compliment."
Her husband said, " Your eyesight is blooming spot-on."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/DohSmiley.gif)
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her 4 year old daughter picked it up and
began playing with it.
"Wow," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps !!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order ?"
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/88a15442ee00df5c844025933d1e74d439f.gif)
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help . . . I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks , "What's it supposed to be when it's
finished. "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
do we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand, and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a cup of coffee, and then . . . . " he sighed, "let's
put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/thtempted-1.gif)
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(http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/7204/line6cu9.gif)
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"
(http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9678/g20pq2.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wax.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/peebaby.jpg)
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(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/6307/don01xw3.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Beefcake%203/Donelan-AM0393.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/don04.jpg)
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(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/Donelan-AM0585.jpg)
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At the wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was
a child, she and her father had discussed life after death. They
had agreed that whoever went first would try to contact the
other. They had discussed it again only 2 weeks before his death.
He died in her home, and a few hours later, the smoke alarm in
her garage went off. She had lived there for 28 years and it had
never gone off before. She didn't know how to stop it and had to
call the security company.
The next morning, the smoke alarm went off again and the reason
finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK Dad, I missed the
signal yesterday, but I've got it now. Thanks for letting me know
that you are safe on the other side. Now, turn the darn thing
off so I don't have to call the security company again."
And it went off.
She immediately called her priest to relay the good news.
His response, "Dear, if every time your father sends you a message,
he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's
calling from ?"
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Three sisters, aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old runs a bath. She puts one foot in
and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath ?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, but I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down ?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure
hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/4d8e.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/6245.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0065.jpg)
Andrew Johns is a famous Australian rugby league football player.
Here he is . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/AndrewJohns.jpg)
Sigh!
And yes, he does have a cute lil bubble butt! :-* :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/another.jpg)
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A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life."
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls! (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an arse on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )
7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/Mutley.gif)
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When you have an ' I Hate My Job ' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home :
Lock your doors
Draw the curtains
Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable pajamas and sit in your favorite chair.
Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins:
Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice,
in small print ,
there is a statement…
'Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
'I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.'
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
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Dottie, please, please, please post more Donelan cartoons! I love them! :D
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Awwww ... I love little kiddies!
Susie (http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/000200D8.gif)
Aaaaaagh .... but that's supposed to be politically incorrect. ;D
Thanks Susie ... But how did you do that ??? ???
Now I'm really lost.
Rob :)
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/NOTICE2.gif)
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Six very good reasons why you will never get me into one of those big, shiny, metal flying thingies in the sky! :(
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly1.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly2.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly3.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly4.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly5.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/fly6.jpg)
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6. A dolphin breathes through an arse on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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'Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
'I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.'
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Dottie, please, please, please post more Donelan cartoons! I love them! :D
Unfortunately Gerard Donelan's cartoons are hard to find on the Internet. BUT fortunately for us all my former admin assistant collects them so I have a file full he zipped over to me ;D. Many cannot be posted here because frontal nudity is still frontal nudity even in toons. But I'll post what I can in the next few days starting with these.
(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2601/don03oe3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/2302/don00hh3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/699/don15rt5.jpg)
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(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/646/don16qg6.jpg)
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(http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/8063/don28nz0.jpg)
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one better than the other......keep them coming!!
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Thanks, Dottie :-*
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/Officefunnies.jpg)
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/DRSEUSS1.jpg)
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/Feelgood1.jpg)
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(http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/2048/laughingfallbycyclerra5.gif) Those were all brillant underdown! Thanks for sharing them
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(http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/2048/laughingfallbycyclerra5.gif) Those were all brillant underdown! Thanks for sharing them
As old Mr Grace in "Are You Being Served?" would say, "You've all done very well!" :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/image020.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/d12e.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/samesex.jpg)
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(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/1228/don01pa6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/2511/don02cv5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Loooooooove the Donelan 'toons, Dottie. :D
Thanks muchly for posting them. :-* :)
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I join Kerry in thanking you SO much for posting the AWESOME Donelan 'toons, dear Dottie ;)
:-*
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! ll We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .. "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/wideload.jpg)
(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/240.gif) HEY!!!! That's not funny!!! Stop sneaking up on me and taking my picture!!
;D :laugh: :laugh: ;)
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A Roman Catholic priest, anxious to be friends
with his counterparts in the Church of Scotland,
invited a neighboring minister to have tea at his house.
When the minister arrived, he was shown into a very
tastefully furnished drawing room, with a fitted
carpet, soft and comfortable chairs, and fine pictures
on the walls.
"My goodness," declared the visiting minister, "You
priests certainly do yourselves well."
The priest smiled, "Ah, yes, " he nodded, "You may have
the better halves, my friend ~~ but we have the better
quarters."
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Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up. A blonde walks by and asked what they are doing.
Paddy : "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but
we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down.
She pulled out a tape measure from her pocket, took a few
measurements and announced that it was six metres. She
then walked off.
Mick : "Ain't that just like a blonde. We need the height and
she gives us the length."
(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/5949/leprecgf0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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The Male and Female of Household Objects
FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold every-
thing in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
are pushed, but can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are
often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object, because to get them
to go any where you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES : these are female, because they are soft and sqeezable
and retain water.
WEB PAGES : Female, because they're constantly being looked
at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS : Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking up people,
EGG TIMERS : They are female, because over time all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS : Male, because in the last 5000 years they have
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL " Female. Ha, you probably thought it
would be male, but consider this; It easily gives a man pleasure.
He'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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If my body was a car, this is the time I woud be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . . .
but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But that's not the worst of it ~ ~ ~
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter ~ ~ ~ either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !
(http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4756/argmartyzmy0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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A doctor was fuming when he finally reached his seat at a civic
dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought his advice
on a personal health problem.
"Do you think I should send her a bill ?" he asked a solicitor who
sat next to him.
"Why not ?" the solicitor replied. "You rendered professional
service by giving her advice."
"Thanks," the physician said, "I think I'll do that."
When the doctor went to his surgery next day to send the bill
to the woman, he found a letter from the solicitor.
It read, "For legal services, $50."
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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me,"
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do ?"
God said, "Go down into that valley.
Adam said, "What's a valley ?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river ?"
God explained it to him, and then said, "Go over the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill ?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.
Adam said, "What's a cave ?"
After God explains, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman ?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then God said, "I want you to reproduce.
Adam said, "How do I do that ?"
God first said (under His breath) ?Geez , . . ."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
So Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then in about five minutes he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now ?"
And Adam asked, "What's a headache ?"
(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/1078/amor91nj3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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The Male and Female of Household Objects
HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object, because to get them
to go any where you have to light a fire under their butt.
HAMMERS : Male, because in the last 5000 years they have
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL " Female. Ha, you probably thought it
would be male, but consider this; It easily gives a man pleasure.
He'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which
buttons to push, he just keeps trying.[/color]
They are all good, but I especially loved these three!
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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.'
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
'Catatonics and High Colonics.'
No go. Next, they tried
'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.'
Thumbs down again. Then came
'Minds and Behinds.'
Still no good. Another attempt resulted in
'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.'
Unacceptable again! So they tried
'Analysis and Anal Cysts.'
Not a chance.
'Nuts and Butts?'
No way.
'Freaks and Cheeks?'
Still no go.
'Loons and Moons?'
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.'
Everyone loved it.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/cartooncalvin.jpg)
I love Calvin and Hobbes. Bill Watterson sure knows what he´s talking about. ;D ;D ;D
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Hmmmmm ..... >:(
Hmmmmm ..... :(
Seems a lot of hmmmming is building up. ;D
It's that healthy M/F competitive spirit ...... :-\
Rob
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The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper
on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention.
"Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure
is bad and your furnace is not working.:
"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you've been the house-
keeper here five years, and I've only been here a few days. Why
not say our roof and our furnace ?"
Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the
bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office
terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "there's a mouse
in our room and it's under our bed !!"
oops ::)
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(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/3631/wandelen17fy1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)Where to Retire in the USA . . . .
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where . . .
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know what "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open the oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are : tolerable, hot. really hot, and ARE YOU
KIDDING ME ??"
You can live in California where . . .
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a
house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them
how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles
away it is.
6. The four seasons are : fire, flood, mud, and drought.
You can live in New York City where . . .
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
2. You can get into a 4 hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin
on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where . . .
1. You have only 4 spices : salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than 8 buttons.
5. The 4 seasons are : winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You can live in the deep South where . . .
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killing" is a valid defence.
4. Everyone has 2 first names : Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,
Betty Jean, Mary Beth etc.
You can live in Colorado where . . . .
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and
he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where . . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your
name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,
" It was different !"
or You can live in Florida where . . .
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind . . . even houses
and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
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:laugh: Hmmmmmm Rob.... If you're referring to my Hmmmmmm! ... I'm the wife of a golfer .. and if it was a choice between me or the golf clubs ... I wouldn't like to put bets on which one of us he'd save first!! :-\ :laugh: :laugh:
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
:o :o :o
Hmmmmmm, well, that might be a sure bet, Susie. ;D
Oh. YOU of course ... (remember the joke about object genders and the remote). ;)
Hey, that's a thought. Ask him for some golf jokes to put in here, hmmm?
There must be lots of those. (I know only a couple).
hmmmmmmm (drat, there's a bee in here somewhere). :)
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Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management Technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over A crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running Water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade Of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of The person you are holding underwater.
See? Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management Technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over A crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running Water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade Of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of The person you are holding underwater.
See? :o It really does work ::).
;) You're smiling already.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0002.jpg)
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Best “Out of Office” Automatic e-mail & voice-mail Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Louis’
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Mrs Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's
test results.
The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has
been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent
your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another
Mr Ward were sent as well, and now we are uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly, it's either bad or terrible.
"What do you mean ?" Mrs Ward asked.
"Well, one tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over ?" asked Mrs Ward.
"Normally yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now ?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
don't sleep with him."
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SPEED TRAP
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NO PARKING !!!
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HONESTY IN ADVERTISING
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10 Reasons Why You Should Date a …
Rugby Player
1. We can do it 80 minutes straight in 15 different positions
2. We’re used to scoring big and taking pain
3. We love the grass
4. Getting sweaty and dirty is no problem
5. Skill and moves are definite
6. We’ll play anywhere and anytime
7. We play well with others
8. We’re always on the top of the game
9. We know when to take charge
10. We also know when to play rough
Hockey Player
1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.
Swimmer
1. They like it wet.
2. They dive right in
3. They love going fast.
4. They are used to wearing next to nothing in front of a group of people.
5. Breastroke is a favorite to many.
6. Others like it on their back.
7. They are experts at putting on rubber and can do it fast.
8. They know how to push it and work under HARD conditions.
9. They are firm believers that practice will make you better and will at any time day or night.
10. Are use to doing things again and again till you can’t go on any longer!!
Lacrosse Player
1. they know how to handle ‘balls’
2. they have great ’stick’ control
3. they always want to score
4. they wear goggles just in case they have to take a shot to the face.
5. they have no limits or boundaries as to where you can go.
6. they love to double team and sometimes triple
7. they’ll always give u a good work out.
8. they usually wear nothing under their skirts.
9. they keep it going for 60 minutes.
10. they do it in 12 different positions.
(American) Football Player:
1. they always go for who they want
2. they never lose their grip
3. they hit hard
4. they can always go the distance
5. after they score they go for more
6. they always wear protective gear
7. they go for a full 4 quarters, sometimes more
8. they never give up even when the score is against them
9. they can play offense or defense
10. they are all big
Wrestler
10.Knows how to ride.
9.Never stalls on bottom.
8.Can score from any position.
7. Knows how to work a 2 on 1.
6.Knows how to use his hips.
5.Goes hard from start to finish
4.Endurance,Endurance,Endurance
3.Knows when to push and pull
2.Will eat anything.
1.Always wears his head gear….
Baseball Player
10. they’ve been around ALL the bases
9. they look cute in tight pants
8. they go so long, they need a 7th inning stretch
7. curve balls, fast balls….whatever you perfer
6. wont stop until they’re home
5. they’ve got a good grip, swing, and hit
4. getting a lil dirty is just fine
3. sometimes slidin’ into home is the only way to do it
2. you get 3 strikes until your out
1. they tend to go crazy in the dugout
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A family was driving thier car behind a dustcart when a dildo flew out of the back and hit their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence,
the woman say's "It's OK it was only an insect"
to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick like that!"(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes%202006-3/boner.gif)
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You are driving at a constant speed,on your left there is a sheer drop, on your right there is a fire engine. Infront of you there is a galloping horse that's about the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behing you is a helicopter flying at almost ground level and also going at the same speed as you. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?......................
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Get off the kiddies merry go round silly!
(http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/3720/carouselanimatedredzd1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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A family was driving thier car behind a dustcart when a dildo flew out of the back and hit their windscreen.
Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence,
the woman say's "It's OK it was only an insect"
to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick like that!"(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes%202006-3/boner.gif)
:laugh:
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A blonde walks into an electrical appliance store and says to
the clerk, "I want to buy that T V over there."
He says in return, "I'm sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes."
Next day, she comes in with red hair and says, "I want to
buy that T V over there."
He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes."
Next day she come in with brown hair and says, "I want to buy
that T V over there."
He says, "I'm sorry, but we don't sell things to blondes."
Frustrated she says, "How do you know I'm a blonde ?"
He replies, " That's not a T V . It's a microwave."
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A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she
lays the duck on the examination table the vet pulls out his stethoscope
and listens to the duck's chest for signs of life.
After a few moments the vet shakes his head and turns to the woman and says sadly, "I'm
sorry but the duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wails, "Are
you sure?"
Yes of course I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replies."
How can you be so sure?" she protests. "I mean you haven't done any testing
- he might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. He returns with a black
Labrador. As the duck's owner looks in amazement, the dog stands on his
hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the
duck from top to bottom. He then looks at the vet and with sad eyes
shakes his head.The vet pats the dog on the head and takes him out and
returns a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs the duck from its beak to its tail at
the back end and back again. The cat sits and shakes its head and meows softly, jumps
down from the examination table and strolls out of the examination room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turns to his computer terminal and after hitting a few keys a
bill is printed off, which he hands to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "£450!" she cries.
"£450 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugs. "If you had accepted my word for it,
the bill would have been only £30. But with the lab report and the cat
scan - it all adds up."
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
'When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
'I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. Now, what is it you wish to ask?'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm a jew.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
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Australia is presently in the throws of a Federal election, which will be held on Nov 24.
There's nothing an Australian loves more than pillorying and ridiculing the politicians we ourselves elected to office, which encompasses our second favourite passtime - engaging in the Tall Poppy Syndrome.
This present election is being waged between the forces of goodness and light, represented by the head of the opposition, Kevin Rudd (think Democrats), and the forces of darkness and malevolence under the present Prime Minister, the arch-conservative homophobe, John Howard (think Republicans).
Some comments from me on the campaign tail:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0018.jpg)
John Howard has vowed that, if re-elected, he will hand-over the Prime Ministership to his Treasurer, the loathed, distrusted and constantly smirking, Peter Costello. This toon also ties in another subject presently in the public eye in Oz - whether to go with desalination plants or convert sewage for our future water requirements:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0019.jpg)
Kevin Rudd is rating high in the polls at present. However, he is new to the Federal political arena and largely unknown to the average Australian outside his native Queensland. I swear I overheard this comment on Oxford Street recently (Oxford Street runs through the heart of Sydney's gay ghetto):
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0067.jpg)
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This joke comes to you all from my beloved Bob! He came rushing in this evening bursting to tell me this one.... I LOVE it hope you do too :laugh:
An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into
a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage,
three flies landed in each of their pints and were stuck in
the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust,
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over
the beer and started yelling, " Spit it out, spit ot out, you
little bugger."
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This little guys definitely got rhythm
[youtube=425,350]
[/youtube]
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suit-case. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney where prostitutes get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks where
he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too. I want to see
you live on $800 a year."
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired
two new dogs and asked what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and the other was named Timex.
Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooo," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs !"
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The owner of a golf course in Queensland misplaced his
calculator and was confused about the correct amount to pay
on an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.
He said, "You graduated from the University of Queensland and
I need some help. If I were togive you $20,000 minus 14 %
how much would you take off ?"
The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, "Everything
but my earrings !!"
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He's so cute Dottie!! Do you mind if I put him on the Cute Animals" thread?
Susie (http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif)
Of course I don't mind my friend share him with everyone...He's amazing :D
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This little guys definitely got rhythm
[youtube=425,350]
[/youtube]
That may just be the absolute cutest animal video ever...He is actually having a ball. They say only humans
and apes have emotions...""they"" are just stupid....this is proof positive.
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Oh I got to share that with some people! Thanks for letting me know Janice!
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That may just be the absolute cutest animal video ever...He is actually having a ball. They say only humans
and apes have emotions...""they"" are just stupid....this is proof positive.
Anyone who has ever lived with an animal KNOWS "they" are stupid. Animals have an emotional life. They have fun, feel love, get angry, express disdain...the whole gamut. Just because they don't speak doesn't mean they don't feel. I believe it is only those arrogant and superior in their "humanity" who think otherwise. my 2 cents
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I was only speaking of the collective "they" Of course I know the truth...
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I was only speaking of the collective "they" Of course I know the truth...
Oh you bet my friend I KNOW that you KNOW :-*
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/282/don29bh1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/7025/don01ua6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat on tightly so it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam,
I do not intend too be forward, but did you know your dress
is blowing up in this high wind."
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold on to
this hat.""But madam, you must know that your privates are
exposed," said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
" Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I bought
this hat yesterday !!"
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE AN "S" IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
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I love that Dot.. i really did..I loved that. a lot!
\
Oooo I made a rhyme..yeehaw.
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Reverend Fred Nile often features in my cartoons. He is a Sydney-based Protestant Minister of Religion and also a Member of the New South Wales Legislative Council (so much for the separation of powers).
He is your common, garden-variety, hate-filled, homophobic bigot, in the tradition of Reverend Jerry Falwell.
Every year without fail, Fred Nile and his pathetic band of hangers-on and hate-mongers, attend the huge Gay Mardi Gras parade in Sydney. No, not to give it their blessing. They pray that the heavens will open up and . . . . rain on the parade! (p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0005.jpg)
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life ?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked - - -
' NO REFILLS',"
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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he
hired a famous Asian detective to observe and inform
him of any activities that might develop. A few days later
he receives this report :
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house. He come house. I watch.
He and she leave house, I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree ~look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strips she. She strips he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
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She was so blonde . . . . . ::)
1. she thought a quarterback was a refund.
2. she thought General Motors was in the Army.
3. she thought Meow Mix was a cd for cats.
4.at the bottom of the application where it said
"sign here" she wrote Sagittarius.
She was soo blonde . . . . ::)
1. she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
2. she sent a fax with a stamp on it.
3. she thought TuPan Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
4. under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She was sooo blonde . . . . ::)
1. she tripped over a cordless phone.
2. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
because it said, 'concentrate.'
3. she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk"
and "Don't Walk."
4. she asked for a price check at a two dollar store.
5. she tried to put M&M s in alphabetical order.
She was soooo blonde . . . . . ::)
1. she studied for a blood test.
2. she sold her car for petrol money.
3. when she went to the Airport and saw a sign
that said "Airport Left," she turned round and went
home.
She was sooooo blonde . . . . . ::)
1. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred
at home, she moved.
2. she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Co.
3. she thought if she spoke her mind she'd be speechless.
4. she thought she could not use her A M radio in
the evening.
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life ?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked - - -
' NO REFILLS',"
Ooooh, Dotty. What would we do without you? :)
Hey, there's a variation on the above.
A man went home after seeing the doctor, and his wife asked ..
'Well, Harry, was the doctor pleased with your progress?'
'Oh my dear, I don't know how to tell you this', he replied.
'It's much worse than I thought.'
'Now now', said his wife, 'you only have reflux.'
'Did the doctor give you some pills?'
'Yes', he answered. 'He said I'd have to take them for the rest of my life'.
'Well, that's not so bad, Harry. Lots of people take pills every day.'
With that he broke down and sobbed ... 'But he only gave me five!'
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sat down
and engage in an animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanised when she hears one say the following :
"Emma come first. den I come. Den two
asses come together, I come once-a-more. Two asses,
they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed sex obsessed swine. "In this country
we don't speak out loud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady, said the man. "Who talking about
sexa ? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
Mississippi. "
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An Australian couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long
life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word,
he made contact.
"Rose . . . . Rose. . . ."
"Is that you, Douglas ?"
"Yes my dear, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like ?"
"Well, I get up in the morning , I have sex. I have
breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have
sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again . . . . . "
"Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly my darling, I'm a rabbit in Queensland."
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(http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/24/061027cartoonlargeec0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/1305/halloweensugar600th6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Subject: Chinese Dinner
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast
iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks
her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around
before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
*
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*
*
V
You're going to love this.............
*
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*
*
*
V
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!
;)
::)
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!" :laugh:
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Two big city business men are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from down South walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"
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There Was This Lonely Italian Hunk...
Named Fabrizio, who was hanging out in his favourite bar one night, when he managed
to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point when he led her back to his apartment and, after some of small talk, they retired to the bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile; "so, you finish?" she paused for a second, frowned and replied; "no".
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/attachmentc.gif)
Surprised, fabrizio reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she trashed about wildly and there were
Screams of passion. The sex finally ends, and, again, Fabrizio smiles And asks; "you finish?" again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says; "no"!
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/attachmentc.gif)
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Fabrizio reaches for her again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/attachment.gif)
Exhausted, Fabrizio falls gasping onto his back, and, barely able to move his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again; "you finish?" (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/b22.gif)
barely able to speak,
the beautiful blonde whispers into his ear;
"No, I Norwegian!"(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/redhair.gif)
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An aircraft was about to crash; there were five
passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player, the Lakers need me. I can't afford to die. . ."
So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton, said, "I am the wife
of the former President of the United States, I am the most
ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York
Senator and a potential future President." She just took the
second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard, said. "I am the Prime
Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the
leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent
Prime Minister in Australia's history, so Australia's people
won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and
jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger,
a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have
many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let
you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you.
Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my
school backpack."
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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,
"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with
plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. Now
the front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,
"And you told me a little more beat to the music would
bring young people back to the church, so I supported
you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.
We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you. Father," answered the young priest. "I am
pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well, " said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone
too far with the drive through confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions
have nearly doubled since I began that."
"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, but that flashing
sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" can't stay on the church
roof."
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A 97 year old man goes to his doctor's office and says, "Doc,
I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your
sex drive is all in your head ?"
"You're damned right it is." replied the old man, "That;s
why I want it lowered !"
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A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/PhilosophiesOfLife.jpg)
(Please note that it does NOT mention sex) ;D
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:laugh: Thanks to all of you for the good laugh every day! I love this thread!
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The Official Australian Computer Dictionary
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - where you hang the ute and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Internet - Where fish go on a good fishing day
Netscape - What fish do on a bad fishing day
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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The Reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity,
and the doctor was working at his usual snail's pace.
After waiting for over 2 hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door.
When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced
"I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death!"
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3 men into heaven
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'
-
Comprehending Engineers
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit,"
-
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/1304/0911te8.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5 The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women
-
The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive
young girl.
Doctor : "Have you been going out with men Miss Jones ?"
Miss Jones : "Oh no, doctor, never !"
Doctor : "Are you sure ? Bearing in mind that I have now
examined the sample you sent, do you still say you've never
had anything to do with men ?"
Miss Jones : "Quite sure doctor. Can I go now ?"
Doctor : "No."
Miss Jones : "Why not ?"
Doctor : "Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival
of the Three Wise Men."
-
After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided
that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went t the doctor and told him that he
and hs wife didn't want to have any more children. The
doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home and get a firework,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to ten.
The husband said, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, Doctor, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held it up to his ear and began to count : "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
at which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
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100 Reasons to be Gay
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
-
Went to a 'Highland Gathering' on Sunday.
Have you ever asked a scot what is worn under the kilt?
And had the indignant reply?
'Nothing is worn under the kilt.'
'Everything is in perrrfect worrrking orrrder."
They just like to show off their rolling rrr s. ;D
Friend was most interested in the feats of strength, especially when the contestants had to spin around and swirl their kilts. :-\
The massed pipe bands were fabulous (oops - sorry K) ... great. :)
-
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor ?"
"Of course. What may I do for you ?" asked the priest.
"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over
the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they will confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for
me ? Under your robes perhaps....
"I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you,
I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.
The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to
declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter. the official said, " Go ahead, Father!
Next !!"
:laugh:
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Famous Sayings
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Dublin, and says to the first man he meets, ...
- Do you want to go to heaven ???
The man said ...
- I do Father !!!
The priest said, ...
- Then stand over there against the wall !!!
Then the priest asked the second man ...
- Do you want to got to heaven ???
- Certainly, Father !!! ... was the man's reply.
Then stand over there against the wall !!! ... said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said ...
- Do you want to go to heaven ???
O'Toole said ...
- No, I don't Father !!!
The priest said, ...
- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven ???
O'Toole said ...
- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go RIGHT NOW !!!
-
What did one flea say to the other......... ?
'Shall we walk or take the dog?'
-
A little boy went to church very sad cause his pet dog had died.
When he told the minister what had happened the minister said, 'Yes it's very sad, but don't worry your pet dog will be waiting for you in heaven.'
The little boy was surprised and said......'What does God want with dead dogs?'
-
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even then, men wouldn't stop and ask for directions! .....
-
What happened to Lot's wife?..... She was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night!
-
Things kids write in religious studies class ...
'A man should have only one spouse...this is called monotony.'
-
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey,
here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
-
Food Labels.
ON A TIRIMISU DESERT
'Do not turn upside down'. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
-
Food Labels.
ON A POPULAR UK BREAD PUDDING
'Product will be hot after heating'
-
Strange Labels.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
' Do not Iron clothes on body '
-
Strange Labels.
ON A WELL KNOWN UK CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
'Do not drive or operate machinery while taking this medication'.
-
Strange Labels.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
'Warning: may cause drowsiness'
-
Strange Labels.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
'Warning - keep out of children'
-
Strange Labels.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
'For indoor or outdoor use only'.
-
Strange Labels.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands'
-
Smart rejoinders for the office. (for S.A.s).
1. Oh .. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to ask nicely.
16. You sound reasonable...Must be time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
24. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
25. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
-
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn .. the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and starts to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
-
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until i tell you," she said, "Pretend you are a statue."
"What's this ?" her husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and i liked it so I got one for us, too."
Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, " Have this, I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
-
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until i tell you," she said, "Pretend you are a statue."
"What's this ?" her husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and i liked it so I got one for us, too."
Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, " Have this, I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
Now that was FUNNY! (http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s64/dotEmatrix/beefcake/Beefcake%202/Smilies%20Emoticons%20and%20Avatars/donaldLaugh.gif)
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Wacky Definitions ~ ~
Adolescence ~~ period between puberty and adultery.
Bacteria ~~ the back entrance of a cafeteria.
Adults ~~ people who have stopped growing at the ends but have
started to grow in the middle.
Blunderbuss ~~ a coach load of spinsters on their way to a maternity
hospital.
Buoyant ~ ~ male equivalent of gallant.
Catacomb ~ ~ comb for a cat.
Cloak ~~ mating call of a Chinese frog.
Dogma ~ ~ the mother of puppies.
Eunuch ~ ~ man cut out to be a bachelor.
Mistress ~ ~ something between a mister and a mattress.
Mushroom ~ ~ place where Eskimos train their dogs.
Myth ~ ~ unmarried female with a lisp.
Octopus ~ ~ an eight sided cat.
Polysyllables ~ ~ the language of parrots.
Sadist ~ ~ someone who would put a drawing pin on an
electric chair.
Signature tune ~ ~ song of a young swan.
Ultimate ~ ~ the last person to marry.
Vice versa ~ dirty poems.
-
Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.
Instead of automatically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want
your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the woman grabs a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take ?" she asksl
"They will grow larger over a period of years, " he replies.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"
Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physiotherapy, he may even walk
again. Stupid, stupid man.
-
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Suzie,
something special for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone
and explained to her all its features.
Suzie was excited to receive the gift and simply loved her phone.
The next day, Suzie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment
it was her husband on the other end. "Hi, Suzie, " he said, "How do you like
your new phone ?"
Suzie replied, " I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear
as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, sweetie ?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in K Mart ?" :-\
-
Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
-
Life in the Australian Army
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet ,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the
boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
-
Cold Winter Ahead...
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
Their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
Be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
Called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service
Responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order
To be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going
To be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a v ery cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood
They could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure
That the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the
Coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
-
The look on this poor bloodhounds face is priceless :laugh: I don't blame him I would not want to sniff those either!
(http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9904/cc835ed1478be68e1706db0ek1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
He said ... 'I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've nothing to put in it.'
She said ... 'You wear pant's, don't you?'
-
He said ... 'Why don't we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said ... 'That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit in front of the TV.'
-
He said ... 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?'
She said ... 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror!'
-
Q ... Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A ... They already have boyfriends.
-
Q ... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A ... A widow.
-
Q ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
A ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
-
Automatic 'phone message:
'If you wish to place an order for marijuana, please enter the amount , then press the hash key.'
-
I went to buy a pair of those Army Disposal camouflage trousers the other day ... but couldn't find any .
-
Life in the Australian Army
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: "A" for effort for an admirable attempt at an Aussie impersonation! Even though, I suspect, it was probably written by a bloody Pommy, mate! Struth, stone the crows, it didn't sound fair-dinkum or dinky-die in the least! Sheila doesn't sound like the kinda girl who'd wanna be cobbers with a bloke. She sounds more like the type who'd prefer to play hide the sausage and stick around (so to speak!) with the girls! (Now, that's how a reeeeal fair dinkum, dinky-die Aussie speaks, mate!!!) ;) ;) ;) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/33af.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/beach.gif)
-
Philosophy of sex
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
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(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s147/myemii/jokes-4.jpg)
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(http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t316/jexr2005/Jokes.jpg)
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Charades:
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/charades.jpg)
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Malaysian Signs:
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/Malaysian_signs3_1.jpg)
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'I lost my job today':
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/I_Lost_My_Job_Today.jpg)
-
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed very pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but itwas well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I get on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid things, too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.
-
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which causes her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
-
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
-
The phone call.
(((RING)))) .... (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead".
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
"...Is this 3555-7039??"
(sorry pj ... just realised that was plagiarism) :-X
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERRY
Rob
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERRY
Rob
Thank you kindly, Rob. :D
It's tough being 39! (Yeah, I wish!) ;) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/bad9.jpg)
Yep, it's definitely crack!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/egg.jpg)
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KERRY
[ (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/merrygoround.jpg)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR RESIDENT GIGGLE MAKER
AND FUNNYBONE TICKLER
-
KERRY
[ (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/merrygoround.jpg)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR RESIDENT GIGGLE MAKER
AND FUNNYBONE TICKLER
Thank you kindly, Janice. :D
That looks like my kinda merry-go-round! ;) :laugh:
-
Happy Birthday (11.10.07) to YOU, Kerry ;)
-
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/10.gif)
Birthday Jokes for Kerry
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/14.gif)
Kerry said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/12.gif)
When Kerry was a child his family were so poor that the only thing hegot on his birthday was a year older!
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday2/15.gif)
Kerry went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." The doctor replied "Next time, take off the candles."
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/12.gif)
Q: Why are Kerry's friends not putting birthday candles on his birthday cake?
A: It's not that they do not want to make him feel old, they only want to save the environment!
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday2/15.gif)
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. Kerry told his computer that today is his birthday, and it said he needed an upgrade.
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/12.gif)
Q; What usually comes after Kerry lights his birthday candles?
A: The fire department.
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday2/15.gif)
Q: Why does Kerry act wild and crazy on his birthday?
A: He's trying to age disgracefully!
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/12.gif)
Kerry, You know you're growing old when by the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday2/15.gif)
Kerry, You know you're growing old when the heat from the candles on the birthday cake keeps you from getting close enough to blow them out.
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/12.gif)
Hey Kerry,
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one !
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday2/10.gif)
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/10.gif)
-
It's tough being 39! (Yeah, I wish!) ;) :laugh:
WOW, you're 10 years younger than your's truly? :o :o :o
Hope you had fun and didn't have to call the fire brigade. ;)
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!!
Sorry, I´m always late... >:(
-
(http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4782/irishlinejb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Only the Irish have Jokes like these Oldies
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
(http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4782/irishlinejb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
(http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4782/irishlinejb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
(http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4782/irishlinejb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
(http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4782/irishlinejb3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
-
Happy Birthday (11.10.07) to YOU, Kerry ;)
Thank you, Doug. I had a lovely birthday. :D
-
(http://bestsmileys.com/birthday1/10.gif)
Birthday Jokes for Kerry
Aww, thank you for my special birthday jokes, Dottie. :-* :D
I'm laughing out loud here in Sydney, Australia! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
WOW, you're 10 years younger than your's truly? :o :o :o
Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! ;) :D
By the way, did I mention that I have a problem with reality?! :laugh:
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERRY!!!
Thank you kindly, Dagi! :D
-
OK ... birthday's over.
Now we're back to 'reality'. ;D
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/Proof-Man-Needs-Wife.jpg)
This just proves that a man needs a woman! :-\
(Or ... maybe a few sand bags would do). ;D
-
MEN:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be King.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £1000. Morning suit rental £150.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £2 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.
Your tummy usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a penknife.
You know how wide your car is.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
-
I was thinking of buying one of these dunas
....... but maybe printed with a large, friendly looking puppy, instead.
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/duna.jpg)
-
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV,
BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND.'
NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA TV,
BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT &FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
-
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
snip .....
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
:laugh: ain't it the truth! :laugh: ;)
-
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
... but lots of men think older women are better ;)
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
... but lots of men think older women are better ;)
........AND WE ARE......... ;) ;) ;) ;)
-
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
I'm terrified of mechanics, Sue. :o
And they never tell me the truth! :-\
-
I was thinking of buying one of these dunas
....... but maybe printed with a large, friendly looking puppy, instead.
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/duna.jpg)
Where can I get a Christopher Meloni doona?! :P :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ChrisMeloni4-1.jpg)
Sigh! ;) :D
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
... but lots of men think older women are better ;)
I'll stick with Christopher Meloni! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ChrisMeloni2-2.jpg)
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I thought I'd already posted this one, but can't seem to locate it here at the Komedy Klub. ???
I must have fallen asleep at the keyboard again! ::)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/0066.jpg)
(John Howard is Australia's ultra-rightist, homophobic Prime Minister)
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.... And now, a wishing well just for Katie. :)
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/WishingWell.jpg)
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.... And something just for Kerry :)
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/faxtoneheart.jpg)
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...... Aaaaaaand.
One for Dottie.
(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/muscles.jpg)
...... In recognition of all the slap n tickle that she gives to everyone. ;D
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A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far -$500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Eddie: "For ONE...... MILLION........ DOLLARS.... Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush
"Remember, Barbara, this is worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.....Its a cuckoo."
Eddie: "You're sure? You can to stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo. Lock in C!"
Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Eddie: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely!"
Eddie: Lock in C. And, after the break, We'll find out which bird doesn't build its own nest and whether Barbara Dole from Dubbo is going to be Australia's very first millionaire.
AD break
Eddie: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C - Cuckoo.
Well, you were right not to lock in robin and thrush. They both build nests.
The bird...... that....... DOESN'T build its own nest is.......THE CUCKOO!!!!!
(Riotous applause)
Barbara, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your cheque.
You have been a great contestant and a real gambler.
Audience please put your hands together for Barbara, our very first MILLIONAIRE on Who Wants to be a Millionaire!!!"
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how on earth did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks!"
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Lateral Thinking
A school bus, full of primary school kids, was taking them home one day when a fire engine, lights flashing and siren sounding loudly, zoomed past. The kids crowded to the windows and were surprised to see a large Alsatian sitting in the front seat of the fire engine.
The children began to discuss what the dog was going to do at the fire.
One youngster suggested "They use him to keep crowds back."
Another kid said firmly "He's just there for good luck."
A third child, who would obviously go far in life due to his ability to think "out of the box" surmised: "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."
;D
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Do you have the symptoms of AAADD ? (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the coffee that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over.
I see that the coffee is getting cold, and I decide I should put it in the kitchen.
As I head toward the kitchen a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the coffee down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll pop in to see my doctor in the morning. But before I go, I'd better wash the car.
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/titanic.jpg)
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Do you have the symptoms of AAADD ? (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the coffee that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over.
I see that the coffee is getting cold, and I decide I should put it in the kitchen.
As I head toward the kitchen a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the coffee down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll pop in to see my doctor in the morning. But before I go, I'd better wash the car.
I´m only 32 and still I can relate... ;D This is exactly how some of my days go by.
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The university lecturer was speaking to an audience of townspeople. He was attempting to prove that there was a connection between happiness and the amount of sex in people's lives.
To help prove his point, he asked those in the audience who indulged
every night to raise their hands. Only 5% did so, laughing merrily.
He then asked how many indulged once a week, and 70% raised their
hands smiling contentedly as they did so.
Then the people who indulged once a month were asked to raise their hands, but it was noticeable they neither laughed or smiled.
The lecturer thought that this proved his point, but to prove how obvious
this matter was, he asked those who indulged once every year to raise
their hands. A tall man at the back of the hall leapt from his chair, waving his hand and laughing loudly.
The lecturer was astonished at this apparent contradiction to his lecture,
and he asked the man why he was so happy.
The man replied, "Certainly. It's tonight ! It's tonight !"
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Revised Company Policy
Dress Code:
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door.
So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back
of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his
card had been returned. Added was this cryptic message "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door & knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, " I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."
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A few one liners
I do not know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to
pronounce.
How about never ? Is never good for you ?
I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
I am really very easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.
I don't work here, I am a consultant.
I like you ~~ you remind me of myself when I was young and
stupid.
You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.
Do I look like a people person to you ?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Errors have been made. Others will be punished.
Ahhh . . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
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Quotes from famous mothers ~ ~ ~
Batman's mother : It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you
realize how much the insurance will be ?
Goldilock's mother : I've got a bill here for a busted chair
from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?
Albert Einstein's mother : But Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair ? Styling gel, mousse,
something . . . ?
Mary's mother : I'm not upset that the lamb followed
you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got
a better grade than you !!
Little Miss Muffet's mother : Well, all I've got to say is if you
don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room. there'll
be a lot more spiders around here.
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A man and woman were sittng beside each other in the first
class section of the aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took
out a tissue and gently wiped her nose,then she visibly
shuddered for 10 to 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later
the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming the
woman might have a cold, the man still was curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking more than before. Unable to control his curiosity
any longer, he turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help
but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you OK ?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical
condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a little embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it ?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper." ::)
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Yearly Dementia Test ;)
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it ! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it
or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers
until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster ?
^
^
^
^ Answer : "bread." If you said "toast" give up now and do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go
to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk" What do cows drink ?
^
^
^
^Answer : Cows drink water, If you said "milk" don't attempt
the next question. Your brain is over- stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water" go
to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is
made of blue bricks and a pink house is made of pink bricks and
a black house is made of black bricks, what is a green house made
from ?
^
^
^
^Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," why the hell are you still reading these ? ? ?
If you said "glass" go to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at that time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors ?
^
^
^
^Answer : You don't bury survivors.
Id you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.
If you said "you don't bury survivors" proceed to nest question.
5. Without using a calculator _ You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales. In London 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine get on. In Swenson,
2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and
16 get on. In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then
arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver ?
^
^
^
^ Answer : Oh for crying out loud !!
Don't you remember your own name. It was YOU !!
PS : 95% of people fail most of the questions !!
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Tom was very annoyed with his parrot. Every time someone
visited Tom's home, the parrot would say something offensive.
Tom tried to make the parrot behave. When the parrot shouted
"fat cow, fat cow" at Tom's mother, Tom flicked cold water at
his pet.
When the parrot shouted obscene four letter words at a visiting
priest, Tom hastily covered the parrot's cage and kept the bird
in the dark for a whole day.
The final straw came when the parrot made such disgusting
comments to Tom's girlfriend that she stormed out of the house.
Tom scolded the bird, took it out of it's cage, put it ina strong
transparent plastic box with air holes, and put it in the freezer.
He told the bird, "It's time you cooled down."
Ten minutes later, Tom opened the freezer, and the parrot said,
"Sorry, sorry! I've learnt my lesson. I'll behave. But please
let me know what the chicken in here said to annoy you . . . "
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One Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard . . .
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked the s**t out of him ...
Like his mother used to do !!
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Great, pettifogger.
Good to see you adding laughs.
(I've just about run out of old jokes).
:) Rob
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ONLY 35 SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS :o :o :o
(( OR 25 IF YOU ARE A TRUCKIE ))
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What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
Getting the bucket underneath.
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Said one physics student to another: 'What are you reading that's so interesting?'
'Oh, it's an incredibly interesting book on antigravity. I just can't put it down'
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A brilliant scientist worked for months to develop an acid that would eat its way through anything, and was recently overjoyed to bring the project to a very successful conclusion.
We understand that he is now engaged on a project that is even more challenging.
... Finding something that will hold the acid.
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BE MORE SAFETY CONSCIOUS!
80% of people are caused by accidents.
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Jack and his friend Rob went on a fishing trip. They packed their car and headed North, into the mountains.
After travelling for a few hours, they were caught by a storm, and luckily found a farm where they could seek shelter.
The farm was owned by a rich widow, who had a lovely big house with plenty of room, but she was reluctant to let them stay for the night.
She explained to the boys that she was worried that the neighbours might gossip.
The boys pleaded with her, and said they would be happy to stay in her barn, so she relented.
In the morning, the weather had cleared, and the boys went on their way.
Nine months later, Jack received a letter from a firm of lawyers. He drove over to Rob's house and confronted him.
'Do you remember that fishing trip, nine months ago, and how we stayed the night in that widow's barn?' he asked.
'Ah .. yes, I do', said Rob with a grin.
'And did you sneak up to her house in the middle of the night?' asked Jack.
Ahhh ... yes.'
'And did you happen to make love to her, and use my name instead of your own?' Jack insisted.
Ahhhh ... well ... ummm .... yes, I'm afraid I did.' Rob mumbled. 'I'm real sorry mate, I just couldn't help it. Why?'
'Well, she just died and left me everything.'
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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ONLY 35 SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS :o :o :o
(( OR 25 IF YOU ARE A TRUCKIE ))
Hmmm, I volunteer to sit up all night with a big, burly, insomniac trucker! ;) I'm sure we'll find a constructive way to pass the time! :P He might even let me drive his big rig! :D
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Anyone who's ever worked in a large public hospital and happened to glance through the Night Book will tell you that this (and worse!) is not uncommon! :o ;) :laugh:
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Jack and his friend Rob went on a fishing trip. They packed their car and headed North, into the mountains.
After travelling for a few hours, they were caught by a storm, and luckily found a farm where they could seek shelter.
The farm was owned by a rich widow, who had a lovely big house with plenty of room, but she was reluctant to let them stay for the night.
She explained to the boys that she was worried that the neighbours might gossip.
The boys pleaded with her, and said they would be happy to stay in her barn, so she relented.
In the morning, the weather had cleared, and the boys went on their way.
Nine months later, Jack received a letter from a firm of lawyers. He drove over to Rob's house and confronted him.
'Do you remember that fishing trip, nine months ago, and how we stayed the night in that widow's barn?' he asked.
'Ah .. yes, I do', said Rob with a grin.
'And did you sneak up to her house in the middle of the night?' asked Jack.
Ahhh ... yes.'
'And did you happen to make love to her, and use my name instead of your own?' Jack insisted.
Ahhhh ... well ... ummm .... yes, I'm afraid I did.' Rob mumbled. 'I'm real sorry mate, I just couldn't help it. Why?'
'Well, she just died and left me everything.'
I'm a firm believer in cosmic justice! :laugh:
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(I bet you're smiling right now!) :D
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:D
:laugh:
:D
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Hmmm, I volunteer to sit up all night with a big, burly, insomniac trucker! ;) I'm sure we'll find a constructive way to pass the time! :P He might even let me drive his big rig! :D
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
KERRY !!
;D
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Hi Katie77 :)
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Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
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Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Subject: Crabby Wife
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her ."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
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CROC ATTACK
Be brave and have a look!
READ FIRST
Pack of dogs attacking a crocodile near Cairns in far-north Queensland, Australia.
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered an "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented "team work" strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
Scroll down for the remarkable photograph below, courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.
Not for the squeamish!
If you can't stand the sight of blood, do not scroll down beyond this point.
Area you sure you want to see it?
Brace yourself!
Here it is!
Take a deep breath!
Drum roll . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/attack.jpg)
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I was brave!
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Very exciting story, Kerry!
And the brave attackers are very cute!
-
(http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x27/Sharon-Amber/Funny/385950540_bb51842688.jpg)
-
:o :o :o :o :o ...... that's EVIL!! :laugh:
[/quote
]
------------------------------------
That is indeed Evil and sick and Twisted....
We love you Kerry..................................LoL :)
-
:-* [[[ Janice ]]] :-*
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pics006.jpg)
Yee-Haw!
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Snake.jpg)
-
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
___________________________________________________________
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%! * light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
___________________________________________________________
Hmmm, I once knew a bloke like that! ;) :-\
-
Children’s Science Exam
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
-
Hmmm, I once knew a bloke like that! ;) :-\
Do you mean .....
A: A bloke with menopause?
B: A bloke who had to change the bulbs?
C: A bloke who left the chair in the middle of the room and the bulb packet on the floor?
:o ;D
Rob :)
-
Do you mean .....
A: A bloke with menopause?
B: A bloke who had to change the bulbs?
C: A bloke who left the chair in the middle of the room and the bulb packet on the floor?
:o ;D
Rob :)
Yes!!! :laugh:
-
Hey .... that 'You are here' mice in the dark tunnel cartoon reminds me very much of this office.
May I copy it to the staff notice board?
Rob :)
-
Yes!!! :laugh:
WOW !!
(was it YOU ?) :o
-
Hey .... that 'You are here' mice in the dark tunnel cartoon reminds me very much of this office.
May I copy it to the staff notice board?
Rob :)
Go for it, Rob! Everything here is in the public domain for us all to enjoy and share! :D
-
(was it YOU ?) :o
Cheeky! ;) :)
-
CROC ATTACK
I actually saw this happen, once.
When the culprits had finished off the croc, they started on a poor, helpless sheep; first tearing off its head, then dismembering it over a period of several days before dumping it's mutilated body in the path of an oncoming lawn-mower to be distributed over a large area of grass as fertiliser and turning their attention to a hapless shoe.
And that's TRUE. :D
-
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fuckin think so.
-
CROC ATTACK
I actually saw this happen, once.
When the culprits had finished off the croc, they started on a poor, helpless sheep; first tearing off its head, then dismembering it over a period of several days before dumping it's mutilated body in the path of an oncoming lawn-mower to be distributed over a large area of grass as fertiliser and turning their attention to a hapless shoe.
And that's TRUE. :D
Yetch! :P :-\
-
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
:laugh: Another version of the same fairy tale:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/z-aaaKKK50.jpg)
-
There was a Protestant boys' school alongside a Catholic
boys' school. The boys' toilet in the Protestant school was
blocked up and couldn't be used. So the Principal went to
the Head Brother and asked if the boys could use their
toilet. The Head Brother said, "By all means, you would do
the same for us."
One day, one of the Brothers from the Catholic school was
walking past the toilet when he heard yelling and laughter
coming from the toilet block. He went to investigate and
found the Protestant boys having a competition to see who
could pee the highest up the wall, (as all boys do at some time)
He scolded the boys and told them that Catholic boys would
never behave like that, and he would report the matter to their
Principal.
He went straight to the Head Brother's office and said, "Head
Brother, I just saw a terrible thing. I saw those Protestant boys
in our toilet having a competition to see who could pee the
highest up the wall. I was so disgusted."
The Head Brother was shocked and said, "And what did you do
about it?"
The Brother said, "I was so angry, I hit the roof."
"Well done," said the Head Brother, "we can't have those
Protestant boys beat us."
-
This is a true story, sent by Sometimes Saintly Nick.
Once, when Winston Churchill was visiting New York
City, he attended a dinner party in his honor hosted by a
famous New York socialite. The meal was served buffet
style and the waiters placed huge platters of one of
Winston's favorite foods, fried chicken, on the buffet,
Unfortunately, Winston was surrounded by a large group of
people who were asking him questions. He saw no way to
escape the group, so he raised his voice and called to the hostess,
"Please save me a chicken breast or two."
Later, while eating his chicken, the hostess chided him : "Sir
Winston, here we do not refer to chicken breasts. We call them
"white meat."
The next day a beautiful corsage was delivered to the home
of the hostess. With it came a card.
"Thank you, Madame, for hosting such a delightful dinner.
Please do me the honor of wearing the corsage on your
white meat". ~ ~ W. Churchill."
-
The Aussie version of creation...
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbecues.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the
Second Day, God created water ~ foe surfing, swimming and barbecues
on the beach.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the
Third Day, God created the Earth to bring forth plants ~ to provide
malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbecues.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the
Fourth Day, God created animals and crustaceans for chops, steak,
sausages and prawns for barbecues.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the
Fifth day, God created a bloke ~ to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the
Sixth Day, God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone
to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie.
So God created Mates and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the
Seventh Day, God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard
the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God saw it was good ~ well almost good.
God saw that the Blokes
were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas ~
clean the house, bear the children, wash and cook and clean the barbie.
God saw that it was nor just good, it was better than that, it was
B****y Good !!
. . . . IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!
-
The Aussie version of creation...
Oh yes, yes, yes........from an Aussie sheila....... ::) ::) ::)
-
Oh yes, yes, yes........from an Aussie sheila....... ::) ::) ::)
Oh no, no, no ....... from an Aussie bloke.......
There's a line missing .... ;D ;D ;D
-
whats missing????
-
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence."
-
whats missing????
... And God rested, in the certain knowledge that the blokes were in good hands ...
... and would never be allowed to get away with anything !!
:D
-
... And God rested, in the certain knowledge that the blokes were in good hands ...
... and would never be allowed to get away with anything !!
:D
He certainly did that............
-
(http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/4707/realmsofglorychoirpt4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
If You Love Somebody. . .
The Original Version: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was..
The New Versions:
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.
Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…
Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free… *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…
Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.
Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.
HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.
Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.
Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.
-
There were three little pigs that went out to dinner together one night. When the waiter came to take their drink order… the first little pig said “I would like a Sprite.” “I would like a Coke.” said the second little piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.
The waiter brings their drinks and then takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak.” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approachs the table and asks if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split.” said the first piggy. “I would like a root beer float.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have the other pigs ordered dinner and dessert and you only ordered water?”
“Well,” the third little piggy answered “Somebody has to go WEE…WEE…WEE… all the way home!”
-
A little old man goes to a large logging company for a job as a tree feller.
The manager looks him up and down and shakes his head, but the little man persists.
The manager decides he will have to prove to the guy that he isn't quite up to the job,
so he takes him out to the forest, hands him an axe and asks him to fell a large pine tree.
The little man takes one swing, and down comes the pine.
With raised eyebrows, the manager takes him to a group of 3 stout oaks and asks him to cut them down.
The little man makes 3 cuts to each one, and they topple.
Very surprised, now, the manager shows him a giant Douglas Fir, and asks him to fell it.
The little man limbers up, spits on his hands, and starts chopping.
After only 10 cuts, the giant tree falls with a huge crash that shakes the forest.
'Amazing. Absolutely amazing' says the manager. 'Where did you learn to cut trees like that?'
The little man humbly replies, 'In the Sahara Forest.'
'You mean the Sahara Desert', smirks the manager.
.... 'Well, yeah, that's what it's called now.'
-
Great jokes, girls and guy! Thanks for making me laugh every day!
-
One day, little Billy's teacher asks her class to think of a story, and the moral of it, as their homework.
Next day, Billy tells his story.
'My dad fought in the Vietnam war. Unfortunately, his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out with his parachute, carrying only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer, and landed smack in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers.
He shot 70 of them with the machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he used the machete to kill another 20.
Then the machete broke, and he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.'
The teacher was spellbound and shocked by the story, but managed to ask, 'And what is the moral of the story, Billy?'
Billy repied, 'Oh, that's easy. Don't mess with my old man when he's been drinking.'
-
Billy repied, 'Oh, that's easy. Don't mess with my old man when he's been drinking.'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoonpaper.png)
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/naughtybird.jpg)
-
Questions posted on NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. New - Zea -l and is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city . Come naked..
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets . You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails .
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *... Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
-
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited
-
Questions posted on NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. New - Zea -l and is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city . Come naked..
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets . You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails .
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *... Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
this is hysterical, I almost wet my pants. I´m going to send it to my newzealandish friend. ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0034.jpg)
Yeah.....Ive often said, "if I go to heaven, I will be lonely"......
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If you can't, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh** out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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this is hysterical, I almost wet my pants. I´m going to send it to my newzealandish friend. ;D
Me too.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Ummmm ... where is New Zealand :-\
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it´s the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .... uh, wait, no... :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/z-0012.jpg)
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There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'" :o
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Think Before You Speak!
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any ?
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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Just found out how to use photobucket....so there will be lots of these......(hope they work out)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/solitaire.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/someoneresigning.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/crashcomputer.jpg)
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I'm delighted you have discovered the joys of Photobucket, Sue. :D
Cartoons bring laughter to our lives and it's always good to laugh! :laugh:
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Hi Kerry
Happy Weekend in the Summer season in OZ ;D
Looks like another member joined your Komedy Klub ;D
MORE posts to bring :) and :laugh:
:D
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Hi Kerry
Happy Weekend in the Summer season in OZ ;D
Looks like another member joined your Komedy Klub ;D
MORE posts to bring :) and :laugh:
:D
The more the merrier! :D
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SHEEP!!!......SHEEP!!!!!........ARE THEY?????
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!",
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table.
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all
the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the
sea with, as fate would have it,...... the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This
went on for a day and then another and another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f ***king ship?"
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SHEEP!!!......SHEEP!!!!!........ARE THEY?????
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/sheep.jpg)
and you notice there has to be ONE guy sneaking a peek...
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at a large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was
covered with names, and small flags mounted either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so when the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and
saidquietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. "Pastor, what is this ?"
"Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he
asked, "Which service, the 9.45 or the 11.15 ?"
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their
decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a Chemist. (drugstore) Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes.
Jacob : We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist : "Of couse we do."
Jacob : "How about medication for circulation ?"
Pharmacist : "all kinds."
Jacob : Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis ?"
Pharmacist : "Definitely."
Jacob : "How about Viagra ?"
Pharmacist : "Of course."
Jacob : "Medication for memory problems, arthitis, jaundice ?"
Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. . . the works !"
Jacob : What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for
Parkinson's Disease ?"
Pharmacist : "Absolutely."
Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers ?"
Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes . . .why do you ask. . . is there
something I can help you with ?"
Jacob : "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift
Registry."
::)
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This woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants
to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband
even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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A man called the Church office one day and asked to speak to "the head hog at the trough."
The Pastor's secretary was taken aback by this discription of her spiritual leader and told the man
if her wished to speak to the Pastor he was going to have to address him correctly as Pastor or
Reverend.
The man then told her the reason he wanted to speak to the head hog was because he had recently
come into a large sum or money and he wanted to make $50,000.00 donation to the church.
To which she replied "Hang on sir, Porky just walked in" ::)
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The day came when Bill Gates passed away and found himself before
the throne of God.
"Well Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one, I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society
enormously by putting a computer in nearly every home in the world,
and yet you created that ghastly Windows, I'm going to do something
I've never done before, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Mr Gates replied, "Well, thanks God. What's the difference between
the two?"God said, "You can take a peak at both places briefly, if it will
help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure," said Bill, "Let's go."
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean white sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great." said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven.
God replied, "Let's go." so off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing
as Hell. Mr Gates thought for a brief moment and then rendered his
decision. "God, I believe I would like to go to Hell."
:As you desire." said The Almighty.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons. "How ya doing Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful ! This is not
what I expected at all. What happened to the beach and the beautiful
women playing in the water ?"
"Oh THAT !" said God. That was a screen saver."
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"Doc," said Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asked the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want it done," replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever."
"I'm aware of all that and you're not going to change my mind_
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another
doctor."
"Well, OK." says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment."
So Steve had his operation, and the next day he is up and walking
very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.
"Hi there," says Steve. "It looks as though you just had the same
operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumsised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Damn, THAT'S the word!! :o
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around looking for valuables. when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out he shone the light around frantically looking for the source
of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room his flashlight came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that ?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me huh? Who are you?"
"Moses, replied the parrot.
"Moses !" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot says, "The same kind of stupid people that would
name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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Children's science exam results ~ ~ ~
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes the water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on stairs.
Q. What happens to your body when you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels andyou get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is the fibula ?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does varicose mean ?
A. Nearby.
Q. What does the word benign mean ?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.[/b]
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Oooooh. Love em all.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hey, Sue, the cartoons are great.
Thank you all. :)
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Retirement to Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em" Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," That's not a problem says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I will definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us
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Medical definitions.
Anally - occuring yearly.
Artery - study of paintings.
Bacteria - back door of a cafeteria.
Barium - what doctors do when they can't fixem.
Cauterize - made eye contact.
Colic - type of sheep dog.
Coma - a punctuation mark.
Congenital - friendly.
Diarrhorea - journal of daily events.
Dilate - to live long.
Hangnail - coat hook.
Impotent - distinguished or well know.
Labour pain - got hurt at work.
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate.
Outpatient - one who has fainted.
Pap smear - fatherhood test.
Post-operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people.
Rectum - damm near killed em.
Recovery room - place to do upholstery.
Secretion - hiding something.
Serology - study of knights.
Tablet - small table.
Terminal illness - sickness at an airport.
Tumour - an extra pair.
Vein - conceited.
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A woman entered the visitors' lounge of a mental hospital, and was
confronted by a man who was entirely naked, except for a top hat.
'My good man', she said, 'why are you walking around in the visitors'
lounge without any clothes on?'
'Nobody comes to visit me', he replied, 'so what does it matter.'
'So, why are you wearing the top hat, then?' she asked.
'Well, just in case somebody does come.'
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I have CDO.
It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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Recorded 'phone menu at a mental health clinic.
'If you suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 2, 3 and 4.
If you are delusional, press 5, and your call will be redirected to the mother ship.
If you have short term memory loss, press 6.
If you have short term memory loss, press 6.
If you have short term memory loss .................'
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Things you don't want to hear during your kidney transplant.
'Come back with that right now! Bad dog! Bad dog! Grrrrr.'
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Heres some more from that same mental clinic telephone menu
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or! before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
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I have CDO.
It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.
lol :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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I'll allow you to make up your own caption for this one! ;)
Think about it! :P :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/eatpussy.jpg)
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Better late than never! ::)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny_14.jpg)
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Merry Christmas!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/dead-santa.jpg)
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Be naughty.
Save Santa Clause a trip.
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A good Christmas tip.
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until
all the birds have gone South for the Winter.
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I'll allow you to make up your own caption for this one! ;)
Think about it! :P :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/eatpussy.jpg)
Is that is what is referred to as ........EATING PUSSY......???????
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I've posted this one to a few other threads........too good not to share around......
.(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/christmascowboy.gif)
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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock Building Society in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
So, you have been warned!
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/setitfree.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I really should keep outa here late at night.
All that laughter causes hyperventilation and crazy dreams !
(But it sure is the best thing before bed. .... next to putting the cat out, of course)
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'Will you still love me when I'm old and ugly?'
'Oh darling, of course I do.'
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same for me," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.60."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "So, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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A woman was very worried that she had not had a date in a long time,
so she went to the famous Dr Chung, recommended by a well known TV personality.
'OK', said Dr Chung, 'take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'
Again the woman did as she was told.
'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr Chung shook his head slowly, and said,
'Your probrem velly, velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf any dates.'
Worried, the woman asked, 'Oh, no, Dr Chung, that sounds dreadful.
What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chung looked at her sadly and replied,
'Unforturately, your face look Ed Zachary like your bum.'
-
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after
I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;
the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up.
At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner,"
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.!!
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/7025/hoffnungorganistim1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Reasons why English is so hard to understand.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he could get the lead out of his feet.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum..
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14, A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer.
15. To help him with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
18. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.
-
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding . . . .
Older Lady : Is there a problem, Officer ?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Lady : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Lady : Oh, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one ?
Older Lady : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see. . . Can I see your vehicle registration please ?
Older Lady : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not ?
Older Lady : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it ?
Older Lady : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what ?
Older Lady : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car to call for back-up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.
Officer 2 : Ma'am, Could you step out of the vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Lady : Is there a problem sir ?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Lady : Murdered the owner ?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of the car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am ?
Older Lady : Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims you don't have a driving license.
The woman digs in her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Lady : Bet that liar told you I was speeding too.
Moral : Don't mess with Old Ladies! ;D
-
Where's the urinal with Christopher Meloni standing above it? That's the one I want! ;) :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/lol.jpg)
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Do you ever wonder, what happens at night, after you have shut down your computer......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/mouse.gif)
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:laugh:
-
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"*
-
5 minute management course
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
-
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
-
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
-
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
-
Riverdance like you've never seen it ;D
[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=d2AN7kBQOsw[/youtube]
-
Sometimes a kiss is more than a kiss :o :laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CFmFm7N7M0o[/youtube]
-
BACK IN THE OLD DAYS
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Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped no one ever noticed !!!!!
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Ad ministration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
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A body builder picks up a date at a party, and takes her back to his apartment.
He takes off his shirt and the date says, "Wow, what a great torso you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and she says, "My what great, muscular legs you have".
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the date runs out of the apartment, screaming.
The body builder throws his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks "Hey, baby, why did why you run out of the apartment like that?".
Hell, she says, "Did you think I was gonna stick around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was?"
-
Riverdance like you've never seen it ;D
[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=d2AN7kBQOsw[/youtube]
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Anyone can do a great impression - in Latin! :D
JAMES CAGNEY
You dirty rat!
Tu, rattus turpis!
MARLON BRANDO
I could've been a contender.
Proeliator fuissem.
Make him an offer he can't refuse.
Ei fer condicionem quam non potest repudiare.
CLINT EASTWOOD
Go ahead. Make my day.
Age. Fac ut gaudeam.
CARY GRANT
Judy, Judy, Judy.
Iudaea, Iudaea, Iudaea.
W.C.FIELDS
It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never stopped to thank her.
Fuit mulier quae me potare egit. Nunquam steti gradum ad ei gratias egandas.
GROUCHO
I like my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Fasciculum nicotianum fumificum meum quoque amo, sed aliquando eum de ore extraho.
MAE WEST
Come up and see me sometime.
Interdum ascende ut me visas.
LAUREN BACALL
You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow.
Nonne scis sibilare? Labris compositis, perfla.
BETTE DAVIS
What a dump!
Quid gurgustium!
-
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: great one, Shasta Baby! And the stamp collector... ::) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ...
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all
of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages
to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees..........
Ees..........
Ees..........
Ees..........
... Eees a Ham Bush
(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/thgroan-1.gif) (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Seasonal/xmassmile2.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."
Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
-
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
>> important
>> position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
>> search
>> down to three people from different parts of the world.
>> In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
>> same
>> question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer
>> would
>> get the job.
>> The question was:
>>
>> A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
>> The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the
>> man is
>> lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
>>
>> After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
>> answers.
>> The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
>> The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to
>> determine the answer with the information we were given."
>> The third one, from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have
>> it
>> narrowed down to two names.
>> It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer>>
>> The Scotsman got the job
>>
>>
>>
-
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..
"YES YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men. ::)
-
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her 80s and had nver been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to take a seat while she made
some tea. As he sat, facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom !
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh Yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!!"
-
A journalist is walking along the beach and notices a young boy in the
surf being attacked by a shark. Then he sees a bloke (guy) rush in,
swim out to the attack, pry the shark's mouth open, give it a flogging
and ends up killing the beast. He swims back to shore with the boy
alive with some gashes out of his leg, then calls for help and makes
sure the youngster is OK.
The journo goes up to the brave rescuer and says, "What an amazing
heroic effort. I'm a journalist and I can see the front page headline
already . . . . Aussie hero saves boy from shark attack."
The hero says, "That's fantastic but I'm actually English."
The next day, the Pom picks up the paper to see the following front
page headline -- - " Pommy Bastard kills young boy's Pet fish."
-
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he
found the following note on his door.
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
"Take, Eat, This is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah God."
14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peters
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A journalist is walking along the beach and notices a young boy in the
surf being attacked by a shark. Then he sees a bloke (guy) rush in,
swim out to the attack, pry the shark's mouth open, give it a flogging
and ends up killing the beast. He swims back to shore with the boy
alive with some gashes out of his leg, then calls for help and makes
sure the youngster is OK.
The journo goes up to the brave rescuer and says, "What an amazing
heroic effort. I'm a journalist and I can see the front page headline
already . . . . Aussie hero saves boy from shark attack."
The hero says, "That's fantastic but I'm actually English."
The next day, the Pom picks up the paper to see the following front
page headline -- - " Pommy Bastard kills young boy's Pet fish."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Birds do it, bees do it, even shiny maroon cars do it . . . . . .
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hi Kerry...Do you draw Christmas 'toons ? ;D
-
Twelve Days Of Christmas
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure?
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the pandemonium. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You rotten prick:
Now there's nine ladies dancing. What in the hell kind of low-life strip club did you find these harlots? They've been doing all sorts of erotic dancing all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Listen Shithead:
What's with those ten lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Now they have moved on to humping the cows. What kind of sick freak are you? The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. I’m close to having a complete nervous breakdown. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. You'll get yours !
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Dickhead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's eleven pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. The Building Commissioner just left and my home has now been condemned. I have no where to go.
What am I going to do???
Ohhhh, some nice men dressed in white coats have just arrived and said they would help me.
uuummm Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total, not only to her home but her mental state as well. All future correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
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Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.
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TopTen Country Songs.....love em love em.....sooooooo funny.....
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Hi Kerry...Do you draw Christmas 'toons ? ;D
Alas, I have no Christmas cartoons in my portfolio, Doug. :'(
I do have many cartoons, however, that pillory and lampoon hate-filled, homophobic, bigoted clergymen. Clergymen like His Grace the Right Reverend Peter Jensen, Anglican Archbishop of Sydney. >:(
"Christian," he ain't! :-\
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0008.jpg)
\
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I love your cartoons, Kerry!
-
Thanks, Kerry, for your reply and cartoon. ;)
Happy Summer in OZ ;D
Happy Holidays Everywhere and To Everyone :D
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(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m252/RiverIsMyGoddess/icons/smiley_signaussiehello.gif)
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The children begged for a hamster, and after the fervent vow
that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it
Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible
for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective
new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite
well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a
long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and
since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, " Well, maybe if he didn't eat so much and
wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm, "It's time to take Danny to his new home now,"
she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted,
"Danny ? We thought you said Daddy !!"
-
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that
son of a bitch is nine. . . " His mother heard what he was
saying and gasped, "What are you doing ?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And is this how your teacher taught you to do it ?" she asked.
"Yes." he answered.
Infuriated, the mother went to see the teacher.
"What are you teaching my son in math ?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say, two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four ?"
After she stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four.
-
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should
do about it.. He did it and returned to class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom, " she said.
"I did," he said, And she told me that if I could stick it our
till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
-
A father watched his precious 6 year old daughter playing
in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she stopped and stared
at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So the other one is a Mummy Longlegs? she asked.
"No," said her father, "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat.
"Well, we;re not having any of that queer stuff in our garden."
:'(
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine warm day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it ?"
"No, " the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
:laugh:
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I love your cartoons, Kerry!
Thank ya kindly, Dagi. Will post more in the New Year. :D
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Thanks, Kerry, for your reply and cartoon. ;)
Happy Summer in OZ ;D
Happy Holidays Everywhere and To Everyone :D
Happy holidays to you, too, Doug. :D
Would I be right in guessing that you probably have a relatively mild winter in Texas, compared to other icy parts of America, further north? :)
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(http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m252/RiverIsMyGoddess/icons/smiley_signaussiehello.gif)
That was a challenge for my multi-focal lenses, Dottie. ???
They had a great deal of trouble reading your sign, when I stood in front of my PC with my head bent unside-down! :laugh: Get a mental picture! :laugh:
I've gotta ask, what is an "Australian Browncoat"? ???
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/inspace.jpg)
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That was a challenge for my multi-focal lenses, Dottie. ???
They had a great deal of trouble reading your sign, when I stood in front of my PC with my head bent unside-down! :laugh: Get a mental picture! :laugh:
I've gotta ask, what is an "Australian Browncoat"? ???
Well hell Kerry if you don't know how am I supposed to know :laugh: Seriously as best as I can figure it has something to do with folks who are obsessed with the DVD's for two shows/movies called Firefly and Serenity. Other than that I haven't a clue. ;D
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Well hell Kerry if you don't know how am I supposed to know :laugh: Seriously as best as I can figure it has something to do with folks who are obsessed with the DVD's for two shows/movies called Firefly and Serenity. Other than that I haven't a clue. ;D
HUH !!!!.........thats news to me
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Well hell Kerry if you don't know how am I supposed to know :laugh: Seriously as best as I can figure it has something to do with folks who are obsessed with the DVD's for two shows/movies called Firefly and Serenity. Other than that I haven't a clue. ;D
"I see," said the blind man. "It's as clear as mud!" ??? ;) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/inspace.jpg)
;D You bet it´s going to get hot !
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Encounter with St. Peter
After a night of drinking, Ross crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
Wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, Ross, and I'm St.
Peter".
Ross was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back
straight away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
Can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over
and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day
here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before."
"Never," replies Ross.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that had happened to him ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt
An enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Ross, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed
-
I love everything about Brokeback Mountain with every fibre of my being. It changed my life. I would never do anything to hurt Jack and Ennis. I make the following posts in a spirit of good humour and fun, in the true spirit of the Komedy Klub. I mean no disrespect. If anyone is offended by the following pics, kindly send me a PM and I will delete them immediately.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/BrokebackBoogaloo.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/brokebackheritic.jpg)
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I love everything about Brokeback Mountain with every fibre of my being. It changed my life. I would never do anything to hurt Jack and Ennis. I make the following posts in a spirit of good humour and fun, in the true spirit of the Komedy Klub. I mean no disrespect. If anyone is offended by the following pics, kindly send me a PM and I will delete them immediately.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/BrokebackBoogaloo.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/brokebackheritic.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Those are hilarious
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Those are hilarious
Glad you like them, Dottie. I thought they were funny too. :D
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(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Humour/TheFlyStory.gif)
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Female Urologist
A man goes for an exam to a female urologist who
has excellent medical credentials, but is also drop
dead gorgeous.
The female doctor says, "I am going to check your
prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to. I want
you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then
while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and
say 99." The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left
side and, again, while I repeat th e check, take a deep
breath and say 99." Again, the guy says, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to
lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am
going to check your prostate with this hand, and with
the other hand I am going to hold onto your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy says, "One...........two...............three............."
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A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked,
"What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies.
Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
-
A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots
a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind...
poof ! Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day,
Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have just
witnessed her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is
the price ofthis lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price."
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Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes, what can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next
Day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using
Axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
Marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly,
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff
Come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
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An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute ...."
"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
-
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Very professional indeed!
-
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her
face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie
today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on
to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
'Really?? Small was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
-
Friend to friend.....
'Sure, get married if you've half a mind to.
That's all you need'.
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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A man boards a plane bound for Italy and, after take-off, decides to engage the man next to him, in 21B, in conversation, to pass the time.
'Well, you're off to Rome, too, are you?'
'Hell yeah' replies 21B, 'Shore is. Gunna be real good, seein all them arkifacks an ware all them ceasers had lions munchin on them gladyatas'.
'Oh, then you are a student of archaeology and ancient history, are you?'
'Ya bet I is.' says 21B. 'Gunna see if I c'n learn me that Iti langwidge too. Mite impress the women wen I gets ome'.
'Hmmm, that does sound impressive. Learning a new language is always worthwhile.'
'Aw yeah', replies 21B. 'Miite even get ta meet tha Pope an all, too, ya know. Goin for a job workin fa that there Vadican.'
'Oh, really; attending an interview? How exiciting. And what position do you hope to attain?'
'Arr, one a them jobs doin radeyo anounsin' answers 21B. 'Like one a them dudes ya hear at brekfust, ya know? Givin tha news an tha wetha report?'
'Do you really think you have much chance of success?'
'Well, nagh. I'm not reely expectin ta get a fair go' replies 2B. ... 'I'm a prodestant.'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0015.jpg)
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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says, 'My answer is, there is no answer.'
The second, from Toronto, says, 'My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'
The third one from Newfoundland says,
'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.'
The Newfoundlander got the job.
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
-
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. :laugh:
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on
the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
-
A woman walked into her son's house. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the
'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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If your neighbours dropped a drum kit and a set of bagpipes from their 10th floor window,
which would hit the ground first?
*
*
Who really cares?
-
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
-
Fact:
Modern music isn't always as bad as it sounds.
-
A wise instruction for life that I should have taken seriously:
Never buy a car that you can't push !
-
A man chided his wife one day for leaving her car keys in the ignition when she parked in the driveway.
'What if somone steals your car?' he asked.
'Oh, that's no problem', she replied, 'I keep a spare key in the cutlery drawer'.
-
There are some really wise old sayings, such as:
'If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.'
*
*
Of course, if your chosen profession is tightrope walking .............
-
A woman took her sixteen year old daughter to the doctor.
'Well, Mrs Jones, what seems to be the problem?'
The mother says, 'It's my daughter, Frances, doctor. She keeps getting these cravings, and is sick most mornings.'.
The doctor gives the daughter a really thorough examination and pronounces, 'Hmmm. It seems, Mrs Jones, that your daughter is pregnant.'
The mother replies, 'Pregnant ? Pregnant ?? That's impossible, doctor. She can't be! She's never been out with a man. Never even been kissed by a man! Have you Frances ?'
'No mother. Never, ever!'
The doctor walks over to the window and stands there, gazing out, for a long time.
Eventually, the woman asks, 'Doctor, why are you staring out of the window, saying nothing?'
The doc turns, and says, 'Hell, this sort of thing happens only once every couple of thousand years or so.
The last time, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came to visit.
I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time around.
-
Can't sleep with a drip ?
Call your local Plumber.
-
Hey Rob, have you been cleaning out your office desk........
-
Sign outside a London dance hall.
GOOD CLEAN FUN
EVERY NIGHT
EXCEPT SUNDAY
-
Hey Rob, have you been cleaning out your office desk........
Are they THAT bad ? :o :o :o
-
New Diet Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss Program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands Before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week
-
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 (true sports fan)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-- Freddie, age 6.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8 (so true)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day! I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is....HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10 (future diplomat)
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I cam across this today, thought this might be a good place to share:
[youtube=425,350]<object width="425" height="373"><param name="movie" value="&rel=1&border=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="&rel=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="373"></embed></object>[/youtube]
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:laugh: great one, Truman, thanks for sharing.
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I've been suffering computer woes over the past week and been unable to log-on. :'(
Everything is all AOK again now, thank goodness! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funnyjoint.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/condm.jpg)
Excuse me, honey, while I slip into my full-body condom!
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And at this festive time of year, let this be a sage warning to us all against overindulgence of the gastronomic variety (yeah, sure, remind me again after Christmas!) ;)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/david1.jpg)
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I've been suffering computer woes over the past week and been unable to log-on.
Everything is all AOK again now, thank goodness!
Oh gosh!!! Computer troubles are akin to car troubles!!! Well, I guess I could do without my computer more easily than my car, but I'd still suffer!! :P Glad you got everything back in working order, Kerry!
-
Oh gosh!!! Computer troubles are akin to car troubles!!! Well, I guess I could do without my computer more easily than my car, but I'd still suffer!! :P Glad you got everything back in working order, Kerry!
It sure was grim there for a while, Shasta. As well as my home computer malfunctioning, I also had a very busy week at work, which prevented me from logging-on there too. I was in total withdrawal! You don't realise how addicted you are until you have to do without it! A dear friend of many years standing, an IT professional, came to the rescue yesterday and now everything is fine again. Yee-Haw! :D
-
It sure was grim there for a while, Shasta. As well as my home computer malfunctioning, I also had a very busy week at work, which prevented me from logging-on there too. I was in total withdrawal! You don't realise how addicted you are until you have to do without it! A dear friend of many years standing, an IT professional, came to the rescue yesterday and now everything is fine again. Yee-Haw! :D
I know -- I may have about 10 minutes during the work day when I can log on for any kind of checking e-mail or anything. So it is very hard for me to put my home PC in the shop!!! I miss it too much. It's starting to run slowly tho--needs a tune-up I can tell. OMG--I need to do it over the Christmas break!!! But I don't wanna!!!
Is it summer in OZ? It's practically summer here, darnit!! It has been 60*F all week!! It should be in the 20's and 30's in December
in Arkansas! :( :( :(
-
I know -- I may have about 10 minutes during the work day when I can log on for any kind of checking e-mail or anything. So it is very hard for me to put my home PC in the shop!!! I miss it too much. It's starting to run slowly tho--needs a tune-up I can tell. OMG--I need to do it over the Christmas break!!! But I don't wanna!!!
Is it summer in OZ? It's practically summer here, darnit!! It has been 60*F all week!! It should be in the 20's and 30's in December
in Arkansas! :( :( :(
I work with some lovely people. Because they knew I was going on vacation over the festive season and that I would be without my home computer, they found a laptop for me to take home, just incase I wasn't able to get mine repaired over the holiday period. :D Either that, or they were sick of hearing me complaining and wanted to shut me up! :-\ Probably a bit of both! :laugh:
Yes, it is summer here in Oz, Shasta! As I write this post to you, I am sitting at my desk, looking out my window onto a most exquisitely bright, sunny, Sunday afternoon. A glorious day! :D
-
Listening to your woes of computer withdrawals....prompted me to send this funny through again.......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/solitaire.jpg)
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Could this have been the problem, Kerry???????
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/mouse.gif)
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Could this have been the problem, Kerry???????
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/mouse.gif)
Oh, that it would have been something as simple as my mouse being rooted, Sue! :laugh:
-
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
very blonde cowboy, coming down the walk with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, gun and boots, so he arrests him for
indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, the sheriff asks him, "Why in the
world are you dressed like this ?"
The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. . . I was in the bar
down the road, when this pretty little redhead asks me to go
out to her motor home with her, and so I did . . . We go inside
and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I
did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts, so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks
at me kind of hot and sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy.". . ..
And so here I am !!"
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/momsaresmarter.jpg)
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A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she's in heat."
What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
-
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is
the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on
the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, barfed in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone,
I'm married!"
a self-induced hangover - $100.00
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
saying the right thing - priceless
-
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twerp, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
-
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral!"
-
Merry Christmas in OZ !!!!, Kerry :)
-
Merry Christmas in OZ !!!!, Kerry :)
Thank you kindly, Doug! A Merry Christmas to you, too, and all the best for the New Year! :D
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/kilt.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/email-fired.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/kingkong.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-9.gif)
May peace, joy, love and happiness be yours this Festive Season
and may you know all blessings in 2008.
:-* Lots of love :-*
Kerry
Land of Oz
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-7.gif)
-
Thank you, Kerry, for your Lovely and Festive Christmas greeting :D
I wish you, my Special Friend in OZ, Peace, Love and Joy for Christmas 2007
...the birth of the precious baby Jesus again in your heart :)
Your friend in Texas USA
Doug
:-*
-
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/7287/ist21123233charliebrownqz2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/YaYaSister3.jpg)
-
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/7287/ist21123233charliebrownqz2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
ouch ouch!!
-
Time magazine voted Vladimir Putin as their Person of the Year for 2007.
Guess who they voted as runner-up, in second place?
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time3.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time4.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time21.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time9.jpg)
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Groooooan........
I ate too much.
*
Grooooooooan .......
I'll never do that again.
*
Mooooooan, groooooooan .....
*
*
*
*
*
*
New Year's resolution...........
.... ummm ... what was it again ???
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(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/Aa/71hcyvm.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/866000354787234ea6jo6.jpg)
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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/4355/indexwq2df2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Paulie who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Paulie came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Paulie came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
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CHINESE PROVERBS ::)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/f1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/z-shadow.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I'm enjoyin' ya festive Happy New Year decoration, Kerry ;D
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I'm enjoyin' ya festive Happy New Year decoration, Kerry ;D
Thank you kindly, Doug. I'm glad you like it. :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ail.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/deppressed.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/YaYaSister2.jpg)
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Top 10 Worst Christmas Cracker Jokes
1. What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
3. What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper.
4. What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake.
5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
7. What's furry and minty? A polo bear.
8. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
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(http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p174/llsulli/glitter/eggnog.jpg)
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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008 in OZ !!! Kerry ;)
:-*
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Happy New Year to Kerry and all Kerry´s Komedy Klub fans!
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear ring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
-
(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/722/att9930775mo9.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008 in OZ !!! Kerry ;)
:-*
Happy New Year to you too, Doug! :D
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Happy New Year to Kerry and all Kerry´s Komedy Klub fans!
Happy New Year, Dagi! :D
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Happy New Year, Komedy Klubbers!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/newyear-kkk.gif)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Sayings-2.gif)
And dance as though no one's watching . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/newyear1.jpg)
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Happy New Year Kerry...May all your new years dreams come true..................
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Happy New Year Kerry...May all your new years dreams come true..................
Happy New Year to you too, Janice! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoon-0055.jpg)
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Many thanks to Shasta for these cute pics :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/australia-flag.gif)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/australia.gif)
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I have just updated my webpage at Webshots! :D
To see a large selection of my cartoons and some of my paintings, go here:
http://community.webshots.com/user/kez4oz?vhost=community
Feel free to leave comments and you can download any images you like.
Forward my address to your friends and family!
Enjoy! :D
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Very cool, Kerry!! I have not gone all the way through, but I will !! Nice place to showcase. Thanks for sharing, friend!!
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HAPPY NEW YEAR, KERRY
Hey, that self portrait ... are you in pieces ? :o :o
(sorry, I'm not great at art interpretation).
Seriously. Why are you still working for the Gov't ??
Rob :)
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(http://s218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/Sometimes.jpg)
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AWESOME !!!!!....dearest Kerry :)
My favorite 'toon is still " Mirror, mirror on the wall ..." ;D
LOVE them ALL .... and YOU too ;)
The paintings are OUTSTANDING...WOW !!!!
Thanks for sharing your creativity and talents and gifts via your site. :)
Looking forward to MORE in 2008 from Kerry in OZ !!! ;D
:-*
-
Very cool, Kerry!! I have not gone all the way through, but I will !! Nice place to showcase. Thanks for sharing, friend!!
Thank you most kindly for your feedback, Shasta. :-*
You are very welcome to visit again at any time. Keep you eye on the "Cartoons - 2008" album for new postings. :D
-
HAPPY NEW YEAR, KERRY
Hey, that self portrait ... are you in pieces ? :o :o
(sorry, I'm not great at art interpretation).
Seriously. Why are you still working for the Gov't ??
Rob :)
Happy New Year to you too, Rob!!! :D
You know, I ask myself that question every day! And the answer? I stay because of the huge salary they pay me!!! (NOT!!!) ::) ;) :laugh:
Thank you for contributing to the Komedy Klub, Rob. I always enjoy your posts. ;D
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AWESOME !!!!!....dearest Kerry :)
My favorite 'toon is still " Mirror, mirror on the wall ..." ;D
LOVE them ALL .... and YOU too ;)
The paintings are OUTSTANDING...WOW !!!!
Thanks for sharing your creativity and talents and gifts via your site. :)
Looking forward to MORE in 2008 from Kerry in OZ !!! ;D
:-*
Thank you so much for your lovely words, Doug. :-* :-*
I am very glad you enjoyed my Webshots page. Visit again when you have an opportunity, 'cause I'll be posting new cartoons whenever I draw them. :D
{{{Doug}}}
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/dload.jpg)
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A RIDDLE . . . :)
Why is HONEY golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C ) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
A little lower... :D
Almost there ;)
(http://images.yuku.com/image/gif/b2c15143e11dd9112b9ce6204b90580a9f88981.gif)
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:P :laugh: I learned at school that the bees swallow the nectar and bring it up again and swallow and bring it up again and ....and so on, until they reach the bee´s home (sorry, too lazy to look up the word), --- but, honestly, I don´t know which explanation I like less... :laugh:
-
:P :laugh: I learned at school that the bees swallow the nectar and bring it up again and swallow and bring it up again and ....and so on, until they reach the bee´s home (sorry, too lazy to look up the word), --- but, honestly, I don´t know which explanation I like less... :laugh:
I'm with you, Dagi. It doesn't really bear thinking about where our food comes from. It would have been a very brave human, for example, who was the first person to put an oyster in his/her mouth! And I won't even mention eggs, that drop out of a chicken's bottom. I wonder what the first human who ate an egg was thinking! S/he must have been very hungry! ;) :laugh:
I personally enjoy eating honey and eggs (not together!) but I'm not so keen on oysters. :P :(
-
Here's a quote from my desk calendar today:
"Humour is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.
There is more logic in humour than in anything else. Because, you see, humour is truth."
- Victor Borge
-
LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a B**** !!
-
:laugh: I won't show this joke to my husband, he'd be a bitch, too!
-
I'm with you, Dagi. It doesn't really bear thinking about where our food comes from. It would have been a very brave human, for example, who was the first person to put an oyster in his/her mouth! And I won't even mention eggs, that drop out of a chicken's bottom. I wonder what the first human who ate an egg was thinking! S/he must have been very hungry! ;) :laugh:
I personally enjoy eating honey and eggs (not together!) but I'm not so keen on oysters. :P :(
And imagine, we drink what comes out of a cow's breast and is meant for calves, not to mention we eat eggs that are forced out of a fish's belly (not me! I hate it!) :P :P :P
-
LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a B**** !!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
ALL of YOU are AWESOME !!!
Each post is WONDERFUL and usually HILARIOUS !!!! ;D
Thanks Kerry for creating the Komedy Klub !!!! ;D
I have your Webshots page as one of my Favorites so I can access it quickly and often !!!!! ;D
-
ALL of YOU are AWESOME !!!
Each post is WONDERFUL and usually HILARIOUS !!!! ;D
Thanks Kerry for creating the Komedy Klub !!!! ;D
I have your Webshots page as one of my Favorites so I can access it quickly and often !!!!! ;D
I hope to photograph some more paintings this weekend and upload them to Webshots. I also hope to draw a couple of cartoons and upload them too. I saw something on television last night about Log Cabin Republicans (I think that's what they were called - gay Republicans ??? ), which has given me a couple of ideas for cartoons! ;) :laugh:
Good to hear from you, Doug!
As we say in Oz, "Avagoodweegendmoit"! (say it out loud with an Aussie accent and you'll hear the meaning) :D
-
When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/waldo.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/wed.gif)
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Why it's better to be the boss . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/WhyItsBetterToBeTheBoss.jpg)
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The owner of this frig is either incredibly cheerful or a hardcore smiley fanatic
(http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/627/hardcoresmileyfanch5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Everybody should visit Kerry's Webshots page. ;)
IT is AWESOME !!!! :o
Talk about MAGIC !!! WOW !!!! :D
Wait until you see what our friend Kerry in OZ has created !!!! 8)
Looking forward to MORE AWESOME creations by Kerry !!!! :)
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Everybody should visit Kerry's Webshots page. ;)
IT is AWESOME !!!! :o
Talk about MAGIC !!! WOW !!!! :D
Wait until you see what our friend Kerry in OZ has created !!!! 8)
Looking forward to MORE AWESOME creations by Kerry !!!! :)
Thank you so kindly for your sweet words, Doug. :-*
And thank you also for your comments at Webshots. I have posted responses at the site. :D
Everyone is very welcome to visit my Webshots page at . . .
http://community.webshots.com/user/kez4oz?vhost=community
There are 4 albums to peruse:
* Cartoons - 2007
* Cartoons - 2008
* Drawings
* Paintings
Add it to your Favourites and visit often. I will be adding new pics as digital copies come to hand.
Enjoy! :D
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Gentle thoughts for today
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN. .!!
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A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party.
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"replied the lawyer.
"What do you do ?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say "the devil is the father of all liars,"
but instead I said "the devil is the father of all lawyers," so I let it go.
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A man is getting into the shower as his wife gets out when the doorbell
rings. After arguing for a few seconds about who should answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up and wraps herself in a towel and runs down
the stairs.
When she opens the door, there stood Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop the towel
you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops the towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,
her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that ?"
"It was Bob, our neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
bloke says to the other. "I can't help but think, from listening to you
that you are from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first bloke says, :So am I !. And where about in Ireland might
you be ?"
The other bloke answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first bloke responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what
street did you live io in Dublin ?"
The other bloke says, " A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary St.
in the old central part of town."
The first bloke says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going ?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first bloke gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me when
did you graduate ?"
The other bloke answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first bloke exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us !
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary' in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another bloke walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's
going to be a long night, tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Defense Counsel : Will you please state your age ?
Little Old Lady : I am 86 years old.
Defense counsel : Will you please tell us in your own words,
what happened the bight of April 1st ?
Little Old Lady : There I was sitting in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Counsel : Did you know him ?
Little Old Lady : No, but he was friendly.
Defense Counsel : What happened after he sat down ?
Little Old Lady : He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Counsel : Did you try to stop him ?
Little Old Lady : No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Counsel : Why not ?
Little Old Lady : It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
Abner died, some thirty years ago.
Defense Counsel : What happened next ?
Little Old Lady : He began to rub my breasts.
Defanse Counsel : Did you stop him then ?
Little Old Lady : No, I did not stop him.
Defense Counsel : Why not ?
Little Old Lady : His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense Counsel : What happened next ?
Little Old Lady : Well, by then, I was feeling 'spicy' so I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me."
Defense Counsel : Did he take you ?
Little Old Lady : Hell no. He just yelled, "April Fool' And
that's when I shot the little ba****d.
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A young couple, new to the village, decided to invite the elderly, local minister for a meal. After welcoming him in, they went to the kitchen to make the finishing touches to the food, leaving the minister to talk to their four-year-old son, Colin.
Struggling to find something to say to the lad, the minister asked if he knew what they were going to be eating.
Colin nodded and announced with conviction "Goat."
The minister was surprised at this and said "Are you sure about that?"
Colin nodded, even more vigorously. "Yes," he said.
"I heard Dad say to Mum that this was as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Six VERY hearty laughs, dearest Dottie :) . Thank you !!!!! ;D
:-*
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Baaaaaaad dog!!!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ce5d.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ATT11647709.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ATT11647709.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Loved that!
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A Lady’s Diary
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.DEAR DIARY .
DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful... and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice
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Lady's Diary
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Bob ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if he'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" Bob asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
"No."
They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "his lucky night".
He went back to her place. They walked in and she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake"?
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/3panels.jpg)
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Baaaaaaaad sculptor!!!!!! :o
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/sculpt.jpg)
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(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/1031/2048848138a6555f8630o1qe5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Wow, that's some Kama Sutra right there! :laugh:
(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/3245/384057kq1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Hah, I was never a terrific speller.
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Wow, that's some Kama Sutra right there! :laugh:
(http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/3245/384057kq1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Hah, I was never a terrific speller.
Hey TCW! Welcome to BetterMost! So glad to see you've found your way to the Komedy Klub. You are welcome to post all your funnies here. Have fun! :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/aaaKKK24.gif)
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Maybe I should have saved this one for Easter?! :-\ ::) ;) ;D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/aaaKKK44.jpg)
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Wow ! Those are some great posts. The KK is getting bettermost :)
Two goats wandered behind a picture theatre one night, and found some rolls of old film lthat had fallen from an over-full waste bin.
'Aha', said one, 'get a load of this'.
'Oh boy', said the other goat, 'that looks ok.'
After munching for a while, the first goat said 'Hey, this film's great, isn't it?'
'Mmmmm. Not bad' replied the second goat. 'But I think I liked the book better.'
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I loved that Kerry...should be my mantra......heheh
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(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_09.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_02.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_01-1.jpg)
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(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_06.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_04.jpg)
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_01.jpg)
Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread Kerry
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I loved that Kerry...should be my mantra......heheh
Which one was that, Janice? :)
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Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread Kerry
I always love to hear from you, Janice, and to read your posts. :-*
No hijack involved here. All BetterMostians are very welcome to post jokes, cartoons and funny pics here at the Komedy Klub, for us all to enjoy! :D
The more the merrier! Yee-Haw! :laugh:
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The Line, "Not bad, but I think i liked the book better" hahah
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(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Humour/OriginalComputer.jpg)
Memory - was something you lost with age
An application - was for employment
A program - was a TV show
A cursor - used profanity
A keyboard - was a piano
A web - was a spider's home
A virus - was the flu
A CD - was a bank account
A hard drive - was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.....
(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a235/Shastajak/Humour/Floppy.gif)
..... you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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:laugh: I love that little animation, Dottie!
Great, great cartoon, Janice!
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That is one of the nuttiest cartoons ever Dottie...
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_04-1.jpg)
Guess it didnt work as well in N.H.
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/cartoons_05.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time23.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/viag.jpg)
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PAPERLESS TOILET..............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/paperlesstoilet.gif)
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PAPERLESS TOILET..............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/paperlesstoilet.gif)
Hmmm, that reminds me of an old flame, Bill! Can't imagine why! Haven't thought of him in years! ;) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/blackhumour.jpg)
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PAPERLESS TOILET..............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/paperlesstoilet.gif)
;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/blackhumour.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ::) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Subject: Post Christmas Fitness
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exercise Routine
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Chocolate.
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FIRST SIGN OF BEING GAY...............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/FIRSTSIGNOFBEINGGAY.jpg)
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A Blondes Year in Review.
January ~~ Took new scarf back to store as it was too tight.
February ~~ Fired from Pharmacy job for not printing
labels. Hellooo . . . bottles won't fit in the printer.
March ~~Got really excited. Finished jigsaw in 6 months . .
box said "2 to 4 years."
April ~~ Trapped in elevator for hours . . Power went out.
May ~ ~Tried to make Kool-Aid . . wrong instructions . . .
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June ~~ Tried to go water skiing . .couldn't find a lake
with a slope.
July ~ ~Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . learned
later, the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms.
August ~ ~Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car got
soaked because the soft-top was open.
September ~~ The capital of California is "C" . . isn't it?
October ~~ Hate M & Ms. . .they are so hard to peel.
November ~~ Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. . .instructions
said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108.
December ~~ Couldn't call 911 . . ."duh". . . there's no
"eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
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Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in
Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The priest said, "Top of the morning to you. Aren't you
Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry you and your husband
two years ago?"
She replied, " Aye, that ye did Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, Father."
Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next
week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband."
She replied, "On, thank you Father." Then they parted ways.
Some years later, they met again and Fr.Flaherty asked,
"Well, now Mrs Donovan, how are you these days ?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father."
The priest then asked, " And tell me, have you been blessed
with any wee ones yet ?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four
singles - 10 in all."
He then responded, "That's wonderful ! How is your loving
husband?"
She replied, "Oh, He's gone to Rome to blow out your candle !!"
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/image0088.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/jones.jpg)
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{{{ Kerry }}}
:-*
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Thanks for making me grin and laugh every day! :-* :-* :-* I love this thread!
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Thank you kindly, Dagi and Doug. It's good to laugh! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time11.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time18.jpg)
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Ooh, Dagi, I just noticed, only 2 more posts and you'll be at 2000!!!
Congratulations!
Yee-Haw!
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And number 2001 at Kerry´s Komedy Klub to thank you for your congratulations and for bringing my attention to it! :laugh: I surely wouldn´t have noticed!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/beer2.jpg)
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"Children's Quips."
Jack (age 3) was watching his mother breastfeed his new baby
sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why do you have two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?
Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied
that she was so old, she had fogotten. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say 5 to 6."
Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his mother goodnight. "I love you
so much, that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my window."
Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mother
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"
Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth
cough"
Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his Dad, "Why is he whisoering in her mouth ?"
D.J. (age 4) stepped on the bathroom scales and asked, "How much do
I cost ?"
Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, " I don't know what will
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in ?"
James (4) was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife
looked back and was turned into salt." Concerned, James asked,
"What happened to the flea ?"
Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman who her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while
and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face ?"
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
(http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/1520/27xx1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
(http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/1520/27xx1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
(http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/2184/11us7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)(http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/227/12lu5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his seat.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?
"She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian whois most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
(http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/2170/50229704fv2.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Last one for tonight
(http://img124.imageshack.us/img124/8473/57637731fv5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his but, pulls
it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? He
asks.
" No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first.
(http://img124.imageshack.us/img124/3002/035mh0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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Great jokes Dottie.....very funny.....I have copied them and emailed them to my friends.....
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HOW WIVES GET EVEN WITH THEIR CHEATING HUSBANDS
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/carwithhatchets.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/smalldick.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/cheatinghusband.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/billboard.jpg)
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A tour bus driver is driving a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats.
About 15 minutes later, she taps him on the shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little
old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself ?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth, " she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then ?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
:P
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(http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/8474/eibakkenha6.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A Senior couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors" special
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," the wife said, "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I will have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," said the waitress.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife
asked increduiously.
" YES !!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then," the wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the witress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS !!! they've been around
the block more than once !!.
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An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/5499/olcarnewvc3.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"
::)
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(http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/9831/parrot214zr0.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $100.00
"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, That's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
:o
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(http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/8757/newsmoochingmz1.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!". "Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolut e nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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An Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was
rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see
a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him
and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through
the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy
night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other..."Look Paddy...there's that f....... idiot who got in the car
while we were pushing it." !!!
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I went into a petrol station today and asked for
five dollars worth of gas.
The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.
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AWESOME !!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Old Mrs McCotton arrived at Auchtercouthie Parish Church one Sunday morning and was met by a new usher who helped her up a flight of steps into the church. He asked Mrs McCotton "Where are you going to sit?" Mrs McCotton said she was heading for the front row. The young man looked dubious and said "You really don't want to do that. The minister can be rather loud and is also very boring." Mrs McCotton replied: "Do you know who I am?" The young man shook his head. "I'm the minister's mother..." The young lad's eyes opened wide and then he asked: "Do you know who I am?" When Mrs McCotton said "No" he breathed a sigh of relief - and headed for the door.
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Visiting the Gallery of Modern Art in Glasgow, a lady from Kelvinside turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said disapprovingly, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror." :o
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Children's Science Exam answers.
These are real answers from school kids.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoon-0065.jpg)
And this is the real Andrew Johns (L), the greatest Rugby League football player of all time IMHO. And certainly the cutest! Sigh, be still my beating heart! ::) ;) :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/AndrewJohns2.jpg)
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Yes, he is a honey, Kerry........and the one of the greats.....
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Yes, he is a honey, Kerry........and the one of the greats.....
He sure is a honey and that's the truth. Gorgeous. :)
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> For all of you who frequent restaurants and
> understand the need for the service to be faster,
> this short story is a timeless lesson on how
> consultants can make a difference to an
> organization.
>
> Last week, we took some friends out to a new
> restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
> order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
> a little strange, but when another waiter brought
> our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon
> in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw
> that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
>
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
> asked, "Why the spoon?"
>
> "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners
> hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our
> processes. After several months of analysis, they
> concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
> dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
> approximately 3 spoon s per table per hour. If our
> personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
> man-hours per shift."
>
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
> was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get
> another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead
> of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
> string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
> around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
> string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
> off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell
> me why you have that string right there?"
>
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
> everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
> mentioned also found out that we can save time in
> the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
> know what, we can pull it out without touching it
> and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
> the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.
>
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it
> back?"
>
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the
> others, but I use the spoon."
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/sperm.jpg)
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There was a little old lady, who every morning, stepped onto
her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD."
One day an atheist moved into the house next-door. He
became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and
yell, "THERE IS NO LORD."
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every
day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped
onto her front porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD !!
Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me,
oh Lord."
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there
were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD", she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
GROCERIES FOR ME."
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted,
"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES !!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD ! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH
GROCERIES -- AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM !"
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Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
-
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have U got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies ya dick"
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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
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Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying:
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
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George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Tom. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Haha, it would appear "upper management" personnel are the same the world over, Dottie! ;) :laugh:
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Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
-
A MESSAGE FOR ALL SITE MEMBERS
IN GENERAL
Before sitting down in front of your PC, please dress accordingly. In the near future, Meno Earth will enable everyone to be seen, no matter where you are!
ILLNESS
We will no longer accept excuses regarding visits to your doctor. If you can make it to your doctor, you can make it to your computer to participate in The site.
SURGERY
Effective immediately, surgeries are forbidden. As long as you are a member of this Site, you need all of your organs. You do not have the right to have anything removed.
You joined this Site in complete condition and removal of any body part is reason to have you dismissed.
DAYS OFF
As with illness, being absent from the site for personal reasons is not acceptable.
HOLIDAYS
All site members will take their holidays at the same time.
Holiday days are:
Easter
December 25
January 1
USING THE BATHROOM
It has come to our attention that site members are wasting too much time in the Bathroom. In the future, visits to the Bathroom will be done in alphabetical order.
Members whose last name begins with A will use the Bathroom from 8:00 to 8:03. Members whose last name begins with B will use the Bathroom from 8:03 to 8:06; and so on. Members who cannot go at their specified time will have to wait until the next day.
EXCEPTION TO BATHROOM RULE
In case of emergency, you may trade with another Site member, but only with the written permission of Di & Lyndis.
In addition, there will be a three minute time limit. At the end of the three minutes, you will hear a signal, Di & Lyndis will automatically pull in the toilet paper, the door will open, and a photo will be taken. Should a member offend again, the photo will be made public in the form of a signature tag and posted on the site.
LUNCH BREAK
Thin members will be allowed 30 minutes for lunch, and must eat continually.
For normal members, 15 minutes is sufficient for a quick bite.
Heavy members will be given five minutes, enough time to consume a diet drink and an appetite suppressant pill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We would like to take this opportunity to express our appreciation for your cooperation with these rules, which will allow the site to run in a smooth and orderly manner.
If you have any questions, comments or complaints, please direct them elsewhere
-
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He Asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go To Iraq." The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen The most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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(http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/3807/birdbathmg1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Don't Laugh
Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am... I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
-
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more. There
was a hush within the congregation as nobody wanted
him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the
city stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays,
I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and
his wife with a Honda Mini=van to transport their
children."
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and
investor, stands up and says, "If the Preacher will
stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of all his children."
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a
smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones,
Whatever possessed you to say that? Sadie's 90 year
old husband Jake is trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his
head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well,
I just asked my husband how we could help, and he
said, "Screw the Preacher !"
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Things My Mother Taught Me.
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/9831/rabbitmombabylc4.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside, I've
just finished cleaning."
She taught me religion.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet young lady."
My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't behave I'll knock you into next week."
She taught me about logic.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
She taught me irony.
"Keep laughing and I'll giveyou something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
She taught me about being a contortionist.
"Will youlook at all the dirt on the back of your neck."
My mother taught me about stamina.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
She taught me about the weather.
"It looks like a tornado went through here."
My mother taught me about hyperbole.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."
She taught me about behaviour modification.
"Stop acting like your father."
(http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/6974/md16hn5.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
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I saw a fascinating program on television recently about the Log Cabin Republicans, a gay political organisation in America. It inspired me to look them up on the internet, where I found some extremely interesting information about Abraham Lincoln! :o ;) :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0087.jpg)
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Yee-Haw! All-new, original cartoons by yours truly have been posted at my Webshots page, in the Cartoons 2008 album. More pics have also been posted in the Paintings album.
To be the first kid on your block to see them, click here:
http://community.webshots.com/user/kez4oz
Here's a preview:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0086.jpg)
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A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
-
Great jokes, Dottie! Post more cartoons, Kerry, please! :D
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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
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Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that
the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA buys $600.00 toilet seats.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400.) and six hammers (value
$1029.), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips
Head Screw (article from USA To! day detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5"
Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Patriotic Taxpayer
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/z-time5.jpg)
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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F,"more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again said, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it? Duuhhh....."
The man answered, "yes. 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'
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(http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/3350/electrocutionql8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Maybe they pluck the bills outta your smokin' pocket! :-\
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(http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/3350/electrocutionql8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Maybe they pluck the bills outta your smokin' pocket! :-\
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: They gotta cut the current first!
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Moron in the bakery
Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!! This is someone who was moving from a claims office.
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?"
Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".
Walmart Employee: "Dat all? Okay, Bye."
(http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/5337/walmartcakeqz7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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ATTENTION PLEASE THE FOLLOWING IS A HEALTH WARNING FROM THE GOVERNMENT
You are hereby advised, never to swallow bubblegum.
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A little boy opened the big family bible, He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the bible. He picked up the object and looked at
it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between its pages.
"Mummy, look what I found?" the boy called.
"What have you got there, dear ?"
With astonishment in his voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underpants."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/musician.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/me.jpg)
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Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
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I've been trying to get my head around why I'm experiencing the level of grief I am right now. Never in my life before have I felt this saddened by the passing of a celebrity, someone I never knew personally. And perhaps that's the nub of it. In a weird, metaphysical kinda way, I do feel like I knew Heath. No, not because he was a fellow Australian. No, I think the reason I feel this way is because I always felt an extremely close, intimate even, bond with Ennis. With no disrespect to the loving memory of our dear Heath, I think my extreme grief may be coming from the feeling I have that it's Ennis who has died. That it is, in fact, Ennis who I am mourning.
Here's a little farewell gift, just from me to you, little darlin'. Safe journey home, precious one.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0092.jpg)
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{{{{Kerry}}}} They say laughter is the best medicine, so in an effort to try and get a little normal back here are a few jokes...
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town
got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming ans running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was
in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up
to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am ?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me ?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me ?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over
48 years."
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If Men Got Pregnant ~ ~ ~
(http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/9081/22884523rj4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
2. Maternity leave would last for 2 years on full pay.
3. Children would be kept in hospital until toilet rained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 10 pm.
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that
I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy : "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that
I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy : "Man, you both got it easy. I had to promise my
wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realised the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said
anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing
this weekend. What's the deal ?"
Fourth guy : I just set my alarm for 5.30 am. When it went
off, I shut the alarm off, gave my wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex ?" and she said, "Wear a jumper." (sweater)
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Some Male Thoughts On Women And Marriage
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)I married Mis Right/ I just didn't know her first name was Always.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . . . I don't like to interrupt her.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% . . It's called wedding cake.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)Marriage is a 3-ring circus : Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV ?" . . . I said, "Dust."
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
(http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif)Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer-gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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Nine Words Women Use
(1) FINE : This is the word women use to end
an argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.
(2) FIVE Minutes : If she is getting dressed
this means half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.
(3) NOTHING : This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with nothing usually end up in Fine.
(4) GO AHEAD : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It.
(5) LOUD SIGH : This is actually a word, but a non-verbal state-
ment often misunderstood by man. A loud sigh means she thinks
you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)
(6) THAT'S OKAY : This is one of the most dangerous statements
a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she want to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistakes.
(7) THANKS : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say 'you're welcome' (I want to add a clause here. This is true,
unless she says "Thanks a lot." - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" . . . that will
bring on a "whatever.")
(8 ) WHATEVER : Is a woman's way of saying F*CKYOU.
(9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man
to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response
refer to #3.
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Thank you Dot......yes......we have to laugh and smile again............heres one that made me smile.....
SUMBICH
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give
a million dollars to an yone who has the nerve to jump
in." The words were barely out of his mouth when
there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and
saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche
and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what
do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed
me in the pool!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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If Men Got Pregnant ~ ~ ~
(http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/9081/22884523rj4.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Gasp! Am I imagining it or does he look like Jake?! :o
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The 25th was Robert Burns Night. This is one of my favorites of his always makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it. Enjoy a wee bit o Rabbie Burns wit.
Ode Tae A Faert
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps an tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonna hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Hawed yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try an stop the leakin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae leak
But awe yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me! A sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope ah huvne **** ma breeks
Tae the bog ah better scurry
Aw, whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me choking
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusing glower
Alas! Too late he'just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
Ah feel welcome nae mair
Were e're ye go, let yer wind gang free
Sounds like just the job for me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o wan wee farty!
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Smilies/Scotsman.gif)(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Smilies/Scotsman.gif)(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Smilies/Scotsman.gif)(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Smilies/Scotsman.gif)(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Smilies/Scotsman.gif)
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More Male Perpspective Comments On Marriage
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
~Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them.
~Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does
a woman want?
~Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
~James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't."
~Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're rig ht, shut up.
~Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
~Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive
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[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw[/youtube]
Eddie Izzard, Death Star Canteen
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Mary had three young children and they were driving her crazy. She complained to her best friend about the relentless demands of such a young family and her friend suggested that she should invest in a play-pen to give her some respite.
So Mary bought a large playpen. A few days later she phoned her friend to say how well it had worked out.
"I can't believe how good it is!" She exclaimed, "I can drink most of a cup of tea and answer all my e-mail on a lap-top - before the first one climbs IN and joins me!"
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Local Adverts
Local newspapers in the smaller Scottish towns often have a section where items for sale can be advertised. The Tillietudlum Gazette is like that, but sometimes the words don't quite turn out the right way. Like these classics:
~ For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
~ For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
~ Great Dames for sale.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/timeA.jpg)
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The school teacher asked James, "How many letters in the alphabet?"
James replied, "Eleven."
Puzzled, the teacher asked, "Why do you think the alphabet has only eleven letters ?"
"Easy," replied James confidently. "T.H.E. A.L.P.H.A.B.E.T. That's eleven letters."
smart kid..... ;D
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Teacher : Now Susan, can you tell me where God lives ?"
Susan : Miss, I think he lives in the bathroom."
Teacher : In the bathroom? Why do you think that?
Susan : Because every morning, I can hear my father
knock on the bathroom door and say, "God, are you
still in there ?"
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KIDS IN CHURCH
3 year old Reese : "Our Father, Who art in heaven, Harold is
His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying : "Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a
real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father
asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church ?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
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Some Q & A
Q. Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy
men who are interested in them ?
A. Try a bookstore. Under Fiction.
Q . What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause ?
A. Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish
the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to
live.
Q. How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 plus
husband ?
A. Tell him you're pregnant.
Q. How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk
by a mirror ?
A. The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q. Why should 60 + people use valet parking ?
A. Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q. Is it common for 60+ people to have problems with short
term memory loss ?
A. Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is a problem.
Q. As people age, do they sleep more soundly ?
A. Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q. Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses ?
A. Their foreheads.
Q. What is the most common remark made by 60+ year
olds when they enter antique stores ?
A. "I remember that."
Q. What do you get if you cross an imsomniac, an agnostic and
a dyslexic ?
A.Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Q.What is the best thing to take when you are run down ?
A.The registration of the vehicle.
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Happy Day in OZ, Kerry ;D
{{{ Kerry }}}
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Happy Day in OZ, Kerry ;D
{{{ Kerry }}}
Hi Doug! :D
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Tsk! Labels! Who needs 'em?! :-\
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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
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This morning on the Motorway,
I looked over to my
left and there was a
WOMAN !!
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 110 kph
with her face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my pants,
AND
disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers
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You go gurrrrrrrrrl!
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Why God Made Moms.
Answers given by 2nd grade children
to the following questions.
Why did God make Mothers ?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we get born.
How did God make Mothers ?
1. He used dirt, just like the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.
What ingredients are Mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and every-
thing nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom ?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom ?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him ?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer ?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year ? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores ?
Why did your Mom marry your Dad ?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house ?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to be because
Dad is such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than Dad.
What's the difference between Moms and Dads ?
1. Mom's work at work and work at home and Dads just work
at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have the real power
'cause that's who you ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time ?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect ?
1. On the inside she's perfect already. Outside, I think some kind
of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd
get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my
sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.
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DEAF SEX
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey,
why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his
wife, if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and
fifty times.
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DEAF SEX
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
:laugh:If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his
wife, if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and
fifty times.
:laugh:
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Giving pills to cats and dogs
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Put band aid on left thumb.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Cat Rescue to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters or fish.
DOGS:
1. Wrap it in bacon or slice of luncheon meat.
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(http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/freecommenttags/funny_pictures/317107836_057abb4864.jpg) (http://"http://www.freecommenttags.com")
loved that :laugh:
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loved that :laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: (look at the little kitties face!!!!)
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Is that where the term....."eating pussy" came from....... ;) ;)
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A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!", she cried. "How dare you do this
to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I
want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so
at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but
they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began-
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while
she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are
too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse
my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I
also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't
use because someone at work has a pair of the same.
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful
for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please.. do you have anything
else that your wife doesn't use?"
________________________________________________________
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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lover's Lane spot. He see’s a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man replied: she will be 16 in eleven minutes!
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BEST LAWYER JOKE OF THE MONTH...
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.'
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.'
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, 'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.....So ... do you think we should well ... you know ... screw her?'
'Out of WHAT?!?' asked the other.
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The Amazing Frank Feldman
A man walks into the street and manages to get
a taxi just going by.
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did
everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab,
things happened like that to Frank Feldman every
single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific
athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like
a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something
really special
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like
a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order
and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go
in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I
always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake and he
really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good.
He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was
the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No
one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you
meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I
just married his f**king widow."
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BRAVO !!! Kerry :D
I always look forward to a new cartoon from you ;D
Thank you, Kerry in OZ :-*
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BRAVO !!! Kerry :D
I always look forward to a new cartoon from you ;D
Thank you, Kerry in OZ :-*
Hi Doug! :D
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Ice Cream Picture.... DELICIOUS :laugh: :laugh:
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Howdy, Kerry :)
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A guy was having trouble with his computer, and finally decided to call the manufacturer's help desk.
The technician listened carefully, then started to rattle off instructions in computer jargon, which went right over the guy's head.
'Excuse me' he interrupted. 'But could you explain all that as though you were talking to a four year-old ?'
'Oh, sure', replied the technician. 'Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone ?'
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A mechanic, an auto electrician and a Microsoft software engineer were driving through the desert when the car broke down.
The mechanic said, 'It's probably the fuel injection. I'll just pop the hood and take a look at it.'
The auto electrician said, 'No, I think it's a loose ground wire. I'll get out and fix it.'
The Microsoft engineer buts in, 'No no. If we just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in and then reopen the windows, everything will work fine.'
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A few dreaded BLONDE jokes.....
::) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
::) Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
::) What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
::) Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
::) Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
::) What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
::) How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.
::) How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
::) Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
::) Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
::) Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
::) What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.
::) What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.
::) Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."
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A young working couple would frequently ask the retired couple next door what they do to make their days interesting. One day the wife answered:
"Well, for example, the other day we went into town and into a shop.
We were only in there about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break ?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbbutt.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires,
So I called him a butthead.
He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have
a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age."
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The desalination vs recycled sewage debate continues to rage in Oz. Personally, I veer towards desalination myself. After all, Australia is an island, surrounded by ocean. If we built plenty of desalination plants, we'd have as much fresh, clean drinking water as we could possibly need. And besides, I just can't seem to get my head around the idea of drinking recycled sewage. Yetch! :P
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I hear ya!!!!!!!!!!
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I hear ya!!!!!!!!!!
:laugh:
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I want one with chocolate sauce please. :P :laugh:
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> LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
>
> A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
> truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you
> doing?'
> Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse
> wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
> The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
> imaginary truck and she asks,
> 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
> Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
> rest.
> That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
> The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
> patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
> Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
>
> 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.
-----------
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> LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
>
> A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
> truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you
> doing?'
> Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse
> wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
> The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
> imaginary truck and she asks,
> 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
> Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
> rest.
> That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
> The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
> patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
> Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
>
> 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
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:laugh: Hilarious! :laugh:
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called
a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form for pilots to review
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded by maintenance (marked with an M)
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M. Almost replaced inside main tire.
P. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M. Au to-lan d not installed on this aircraft.
P. Something loose in cockpit.
M. Something tightened in cockpit.
P. Dead bugs on windshield.
M. Live bugs on back-order.
P. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
M. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M. Evidence removed.
P. DME volume unbelievably loud.
M. DME volume set to more believable level.
P. Friction locks cause throttle to stick.
M. That's what they're for.
P. IFF inoperative.
M. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P. Suspected crack in windshield.
M. Suspect you're right.
P. Number 3 engine missing.
M. Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P. Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one.)
M. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
serious.
P. Target radar hums.
M. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P. Mouse in cockpit.
M. Cat installed.
And the best one for last . . .
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M. Took hammer away from midget.
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Some friends were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know . . .
"Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K. you know . . . .
"Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B. you know . . . .
"Rich Urban Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies, " I'm A W.I.F.E. you know . . . .
"Wash, Iron, F**k Etc."
A second girl answers their question before they even
ask it. "I'm a B.I.T.C.H."
"What exactly is a B.I.T.C.H ?" they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" ~~
SMILE and say "Thank you."
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Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin, "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
"A Tsar is Born"
Time Magazine
31 December 2007
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Peace + Love + Joy, dear Kerry :)
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Peace + Love + Joy, dear Kerry :)
Hi Doug! You're up early! I'm just about to go to bed, myself! Isn't time such a funny ol' thing?! ;) :)
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DID HE REALLY THINK HE WAS PUTTING OUT THAT FIRE ?????
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:laugh: Many a time I've needed one of those cards!!! ;) :laugh:
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Dreaded Blonde Jokes #2
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What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month?
Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds."
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.
What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine."
Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
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Two blondes driving through the beautiful Welsh country-
side one day, when they came to a sign that read :
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwymdrobwilllantsiliogogoch"
(The longest town name in the world.)
One of the blondes tries to say the name and the other laughs
hysterically.
"That's not how you pronounce it," she says and proceeds to
say it herself. The first blonde nearly crashes the car laughing
and they start debating how to correctly pronounce the name.
Well the debate soon turns into a heated argument and coming
up to lunchtime they pull into a restaurant in the town whose
name is the subject of the argument.
As they are settling their bill, one of the blondes says to the
cashier, "Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument
between my friend and me? Could you possibly pronounce
the name of where we are, only could you do it very slowly."
The cashier leans forward and says . . . . .
"BuuuuurrrrrgggggeeeeerrrrrKiiiiinnnnnggggg."
-
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river and down the
river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
-
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a man from Albania and bragged
that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning that needed to be done. He said it took a
couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes all done and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told them that
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better and by the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawns mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye.
Got to love them Australian girls !!! You Go Girls! ;D
-
.
Got to love them Australian girls !!! You Go Girls! ;D
You sure got that right.......hahahha....
-
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawns mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye.
Got to love them Australian girls !!! You Go Girls! ;D
Never give an Australian woman an order. He was clearly not an Australian himself. If he was, he would have known better. He was lucky to have lived to tell the tale. ;) :laugh:
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"Putin and Bush are fishing on the Volga River. After half an hour, Bush complains, "Vladimir, I'm getting bitten like crazy by mosquitoes, but I haven't seen a single one bother you." Putin replies, "They know better than that."
From "A Tsar is Born"
Time Magazine
31 December 2007
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from belief.net
American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. Many were posted on Beliefnet, some were passed along via email and others spotted on other websites. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown -- but we thank them.
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A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
-
from belief.net
American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. Many were posted on Beliefnet, some were passed along via email and others spotted on other websites. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown -- but we thank them.
I do not get why this was posted here, and it bothers me. It would be fine in other settings, but I do not believe this should be here and I do not believe this should be posted by people who have no connection to the Jewish/Yiddish culture at all.
I find it offensive that this was posted here like this.
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And the final Putin joke . . . .
Putin goes to a restaurant with Medvedev and orders a steak. The waiter asks, "And what about the vegetable?" Putin answers, "The vegetable will have steak too."
From "A Tsar is Born"
Time Magazine
31 December 2007
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I do not get why this was posted here, and it bothers me. It would be fine in other settings, but I do not believe this should be here and I do not believe this should be posted by people who have no connection to the Jewish/Yiddish culture at all.
I find it offensive that this was posted here like this.
I am sorry that my post offended and bothered you Cameron. But please don't make assumptions about my connections or jump to conclusions about my motives.
My Jewish friends thought it hilarious, in fact one of them shared it with me. Two of them are Russian Jews from New York and the others are California born and bred, one is the grandchild of Holocost survivors. Perhaps that's why, like myself they seem to have no problem poking fun at themselves and stereotypes.
If I were to follow your politically correct line of thinking then we can't post gay jokes unless we are gay, cowboy jokes unless we are cowboys, doctor jokes unless we are doctors, jokes about men unless we are men, etc. etc. etc. It's a slippery slope. No
Humor is personal and controversial. Every joke offends someone, every joke is unfunny to someone it is the nature of the medium. I hope you understand my position. However if Kerry asks or the Moderator asks I will of course remove it.
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I am sorry that my post offended and bothered you Cameron. But please don't make assumptions about my connections or jump to conclusions about my motives.
My Jewish friends thought it hilarious, in fact one of them shared it with me. Two of them are Russian Jews from New York and the others are California born and bred, one is the grandchild of Holocost survivors. Perhaps that's why, like myself they seem to have no problem poking fun at themselves and stereotypes.
If I were to follow your politically correct line of thinking then we can't post gay jokes unless we are gay, cowboy jokes unless we are cowboys, doctor jokes unless we are doctors, jokes about men unless we are men, etc. etc. etc. It's a slippery slope. No
Humor is personal and controversial. Every joke offends someone, every joke is unfunny to someone it is the nature of the medium. I hope you understand my position. However if Kerry asks or the Moderator asks I will of course remove it.
I personally have no problem with the American-Yiddish Dictionary.
I forwarded it to a dear friend of many years standing, who is Jewish. He thought it was hilarious. He was particularly taken with the definition of Jewdo, "A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot." He loved that one, primarily because, as he told me, it's the only "sport" he excels at (but I knew that already).
Cameron, I appreciate your concerns and have noted your comments. I would respectfully suggest that you contact the moderator of this thread, Sheriff Roland, if you wish to pursue your concerns further. Alternatively, you have the option to ignore Dottie's posts in future.
I do not make these comments lightly and have given much thought to the wording of my response, which I hope will be received in the spirit in which it is intended - that of fraternity and camaraderie.
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I really don't care what your Jewish friends thought of these. I do not think that this is the right place for these 'jokes' and I am offended, and I don't think it is right at all.
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I really don't care what your Jewish friends thought of these. I do not think that this is the right place for these 'jokes' and I am offended, and I don't think it is right at all.
As I said Cameron I am sorry for that, it was not my intention to offend any one or demean anyone. To me this particular joke is no different than blond jokes or gay jokes or any other type of joke that poke fun at someone specific. As for offense I myself have been offended by many things posted by people at Bettermost over the year or so I have been here but choose not to create waves in this closed environment over something that is simply a difference of opinion, views, values or culture. Of course you are free to lodge a complaint with the moderator of this forum Sheriff Roland. I trust in Roland's judgement and will abide any decision he makes if you chose to take that avenue to express your concerns.
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(http://bestsmileys.com/valentine1/8.gif)
A Redneck Valentine
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Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no fire ant
Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
'That's impressive,' I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
'Diamonds are forever,'
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.
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Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second
duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of
puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must
be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a
well dressed middle-aged French woman and the seat was being
used by her dog.
The weary traveller asked, "Ma'am, could you please move
your dog as I need that seat ?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the American and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little Fifi needs that seat."
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine ."
The American didn't say anything else. He leaned over and picked
up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honour and chastise the American.
An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You
know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive
on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman says, "Corned beef and
cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican guy opened up his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again. If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.
The blond guy open his lunch and said, "Salami, again. If I get
a salami sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican guy opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the salami sandwich and
jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, If I'd
have known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage
I never would have given it to him again.
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchilades. I didn't realise he hated burritos so much.
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. "Hey, don't
look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales rep for a large company.
The interviewer looks over the man's application and says :
"You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations
are wonderful and your experience unparalleled. Normally,
we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales rep has
a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant
winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, but we
can't hire you."
"But wait," says the sales rep, "If I take two aspirins I'll stop
winking."
"Really ?" said the interviewer. "Show me."
The applicant reaches into his jacket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms; red ones, blue ones, ribbed ones and even
flavoured ones. Finally, he finds a packet of Aspirin. He tears
it open and swallows two pills, and the winking stops.
"Well,"" said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company and we will not have an employee
womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing ?" the sales rep says, "What do you mean? I'm
happily married."
"Well then," the interviewer asks, "how do you explain all
these condoms ?"
"Oh that," the sales rep sighs. "Have you ever walked into
a pharmacy, winking and asked for aspirin ?"
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Happy Day to U !!!! :D
{{{ Kerry }}}
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As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish. He removes a pocket atlas and points towards different countries: "Here is suffering, there, hunger, and over there people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy. Can you do that?"
The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is very difficult, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?"
The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. You see, I play the bagpipes, and have such a difficult time with the embellishments. Do you think you could...".
"OK - let's look at that atlas one more time".
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So anyway,
there's this piper who's never made the money he wanted, that's piping. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes to Hell.
He's standing at the iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, "A piper are we? Go to corridor C, door 78!". So on he goes, pipes in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutely amazing pipe music. He follows the sound until he finally comes to the source of the sound.
He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, all the great pipers are here. One looks over at him and says, "Join us". He starts piping, dumb-founded with his luck. If this was Hell, then he'd happy spending eternity here.
Just then the door opens and in walks in Satan himself: "'Right lads!, Break time over! Take your places.....A-one-two-three-four, 'Left a good job in the city...'".
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A guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus. After ordering a drink he declares that his very talented octopus can play any instrument in the room and will bet $50 on it.
So the fiddler accepts the bet and hands over his fiddle; the octopus takes it and plays beautifully; the fiddler hands over his $50. Another chap hands a trumpet to the octopus whereupon the octopus plays a thrilling trumpet solo; another $50 for the octopus. The same thing happens with a guitar and a set of drums -- just imagine 8 arms playing the drums!!! Another $ 50 each.
Then Hamish McTavish hands over his bagpipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other.... The octopus looks rather puzzled. Nothing, not a sound....
Hamish says to the octopus: "That'll be $50 please since you can't play it!"
"Play it?" says the octopus, "I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get it out of its pajamas!!!"
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This little animal really exists.....Its called a Naked Mole Rat from Africa.
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Happy Day to U !!!! :D
{{{ Kerry }}}
Hey, Doug! Happy days to you! TGIF! :D
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Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??
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Bubba went to a psychiatrist . . . .
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there
is someone under my bed. I'm scared and think I'm going
crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able
to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge ?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why
didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you
were having ?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week for a year is
an awful lot of money ! A bartender named Joe cured me
for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that
I went and bought me a pick-up."
"Is that so ? And how may I ask did a bartender cure you ?
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed ! -- Ain't nobody
under there now !!"
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking : Surely. I can't look that old !!
Well, you'll love this one.
My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma
which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with
the same name had been in my class some 30 odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back
then ? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth,
I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes I did . . .I'm a Mustang . .He gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate ?" I asked.
He answered, . . . "in 1975, Why do you ask ?"
"You were in my class". . .I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled,
fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked :
"What class did you teach ?"
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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out
of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny ?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF !
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY !"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then ?"
. . . .and that's when the fight started.
-
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David
and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other.
He addressed the men, "Can you describe you wife's favourite
flower ?
David leaned over and touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "Pillsbury self- raising, isn't it ?"
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Kerry, I know its a buggar when you have to explain a joke to someone....but I've looked at this one intently, and I still cant work out what the guy is doing to his wife to turn her on...........please explain ??? ???
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Kerry, I know its a buggar when you have to explain a joke to someone....but I've looked at this one intently, and I still cant work out what the guy is doing to his wife to turn her on...........please explain ??? ???
I regret my inability to answer your question, Sue. It would be easier for me to explain nuclear fission or define infinity. I have absolutely no experience in that field. :-\
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Kerry, I know its a buggar when you have to explain a joke to someone....but I've looked at this one intently, and I still cant work out what the guy is doing to his wife to turn her on...........please explain ??? ???
darlings ... look a little closer...she has a on/off switch.. like a light switch in the middle of her back... He is about to flip the switch and "turn her on" ... it's a visual play on words.
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/787/switchxf1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Well thank you Dot.....oh yes, I see the switch now......har har..... ::) ::)
(Did you see the on/off switch Kerry??)
And, thinking back, to what I asked you, and then your response.....now that is funny.....I thought about it after I asked you, and wondered if you would think I wanted a biological answer......no I didn't sweetie......I just wanted to know what it was on her back.
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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
AND
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a
good man and they would have married him anyway.
::)
:laugh:
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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, then she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said..... (you're going to love this!), "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/differencebetweenmenandwomen.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/lazydog.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/moses.jpg)
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I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You enjoy life, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
The End
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif)
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I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You enjoy life, you party, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
The End
(http://bestsmileys.com/halloween2/9.gif)
Gasp! I fear this might be my REAL-LIFE experience, Dottie. It's called Peter Pan Syndrome and it's a genuine, bona fide, psychiatric condition!!! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) :laugh:
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/naughtyrabbit.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/worstjob.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hairdryer.jpg)
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Anger Management
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet .."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
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BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday !
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
Around the White House on her hands and knees,
And putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/thpeoplearelikeslinkies.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/thbuspenguins.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funnyny.jpg)
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This is in no way politically motivated (I'm an Aussie).....I had to laugh when I got this email from an American friend titled...24 PICS OF HELL ON EARTH
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hellonearth.jpg)
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Things You Never Want To Hear Your Doctor Say--------- (http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/9387/doctorrd7.gif)
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Gross!
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)I hope you don't plan on having any more kids.
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Twins!
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Is that supposed to be there?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)What is that?
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)(ACTUAL) DOCTOR: "Ooooh, that's gonna hurt!" ME:"What?!!?" DOCTOR:"Nothing, all's fine."
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Uh-oh!!!
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Where did I leave that clamp?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)In the interest of conserving the environment I'm going to reuse all my medical supplies.
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Where did I put that Vaseline?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Oops...
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Yeah I have one of those too, wanna see?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Who tried to repair this?
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Congratulations, Sir, you're pregnant!
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)You have really nice tan lines.
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Have you seen where I left that thermometer?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)You don't have to be #1 in your class to get a job
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Hmmm... Everything looks fine, but bend over anyway.
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)To secretary: "Oh, Jan, has my lawyer called yet?"
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Has that always been like that?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Are you sure you're a woman?
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Kidneys? I thought this was another vasectomy!
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)I only killed one guy.
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Hey, George! Come look at this!!!!
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)This is gonna hurt you more than it does me.
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Where's my glove?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Hold this we might need it later
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)I'll be listening to your heart through this paper towel tube.
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)I can't find a pulse!
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)There's bad news and good news. The bad news is, you have about a month left. The good news is they're naming a disease after you.
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Would you like fries with that?
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Have you written a will?
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)Dang, that's a big one.
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Hey nurse, Come look at all the different colors!
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6002/eeksv8.gif)After checking your test results: "Can you pay cash?"
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/6859/shocklo1.gif)Clear!
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How to Tell if Your Feet Stink :P
(http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/4913/attachmentrz6.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Guts vs. Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After
the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, >:( the preacher replied:
"I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch
my lips."
The cowboy :o then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
"Yee Haw Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.."
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Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
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Purina diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no..... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
::)
Think you know
???
Still thinking
;)
OK
Answer:
Get off the kiddie's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain
man, was drafted by the US Army.
On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb. ::)
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. ::)
That afternoon the Army dentist removed seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. :o
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open".
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a little puzzled.
When he was about to be done shopping, a man came up and said "Your fly is open". He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said.....
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see the Big Marine standing in there at attention?"
The lady, (naturally smarter than the man), thought for a moment and
said....
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was the disabled veteran sitting on a pair of old duffel bags."
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For those who don't know Trinny and Suzanne are two style/fashion guru's who do make overs on the BBC's "What Not to Wear"...they are often scathing in their criticism.
(http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/6629/cgon428lpc5.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/7489/mmcn81ldh0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ATT11647643.jpg)
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman
for several years.
One night during one of their rendezvous, she confided she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
ould pay a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned eighteen.
She agreed, but asked how he would know the baby was born. To
keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and
write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
support payments to begin.
One day about eight months later, he came home to his confused
wife. "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard
today."
"Oh, give it to me and I'll explain it." he said. The wife obeyed,
and watched her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written, "Spaghetti. Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
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There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant,
and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could
be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered !! " Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me ?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time !!"
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Can you imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk
grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight
face and maintain her composure !
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are
even remotely familiar with Holy Scripture, you'll find this
hilarious ! It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test.
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.
The following statements about the Bible were written by
children. They have not been retouched or corrected and
incorrect spelling has been left in. Enjoy.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the Ark
and the animals came on in Pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but
a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout
history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any
ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After-
wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the
Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to
eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is Thou shall not admit
adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . . then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle the bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing
the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people
who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and
700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the Mother of Jesus,
she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do
unto others before they do one to you. He also explained
a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the
twelve Decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the aposttles.
23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also
a Taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy
acrimony which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called
Monotony.
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One day a man stranded on a desert island for over ten years,
sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck
gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the
surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a
wet-suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and say to him, "Tell me,
how long has it been since you had a cigarette ?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches
over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one and lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man. Is that good !"
"And how long since you had a sip of bourbon ?"
she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, 10 years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a
long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic !"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper
that runs down the front of her wet-suit, looks at the man
seductively and asks, "And how long since you've played
around ?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus ! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
there too ??"
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2007 HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARDS!!
3rd Place goes to: Greece !
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/greece.jpg)
2nd Place goes to: Serbia
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/serbia.jpg)
And the winner of the husband of the year is:
Ireland
Ya gotta love the Irish,
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/irish.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/wickedwok.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/teeth.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/snore3times.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/pigletfeed.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/noseagulls.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/exercise1orelse.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/bowlpositions.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/bananas.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/antitheftsticker.jpg)
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/insecurewoman.jpg)
:o ::) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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okay, here's one of my favorite you tub videos from "man stroke woman". it's helarious! especially now , since my husband is sick with a cold at this very minute.
enjoy! :laugh:
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okay, here's one of my favorite you tub videos from "man stroke woman". it's helarious! especially now , since my husband is sick with a cold at this very minute.
enjoy! :laugh:
Very funny and so were the others there.. :laugh: :laugh:
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James and Keith were on a hunting holiday. On their second
day they were walking un the woods when they suddenly realized
that they were lost. They sat and thought about their predicament.
Keith said, " I remember from my granddad that the best way
way to get someone to come and rescue you is to fire three times
in the air."
"Good idea," said James and fired three times.
Thirty minutes later, there was no sound of any rescuers so James
fired again. Still no sounds of rescue.
After a further thirty minutes they fired three more times and Keith
said, "I hope a guide or some recuers come soon ~~ we've only got
three more arrows left
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The Computer Swallowed Nana.
(http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/4887/computerladyjoyvv0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
The computer swallowed Nana, yes honestly it's true
She pressed "control" and "enter" and disappeared
from view.
It devoured her completely, the thought just makes
me squirm
She must have caught a virus and been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin and files of every kind
I've even used the internet, but nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Yahoo my searches to refine
The reply from him was negative, not a thing was found "online."
So, if inside your "inbox", my Nana you should see
Please "copy" and "paste" her and send her back to me.
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An older lady gets pulled up for speeding.
Older woman : Is there a problem Officer ?
Officer : Ma'am you were speeding.
Older Woman : Oh I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please ?
Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one ?
Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration papers ?
Older Woman : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not ?
Older Woman : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it ?
Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what ?
Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car and calls for back-up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2 : Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please.
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman : Is there a problem sir ?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Older woman : Murdered the owner ?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty
trunk.
Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am ?
Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have
a driving license.
The woman digs in her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer. He examines it and looks quite
puzzled.
Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered the owner.
Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding too !!!
Don't Mess with Old Ladies !!
-
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of his main computers. He
dialled the employees house and was greeted by a child's
whispered, "Hello."
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home ?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him ?"
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered "No."
Wanting to talk to an adult, he asked, " Is your Mummy
there ?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her ?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be
left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a
message with the person who should be there, looking after
the child.
"Is there anyone else there besides you ?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman."
Wondering whay a policeman would be doing at his employees
home, he asked, " May I speak with the policeman ?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what ?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and
Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered reply.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece of the phone,
the boss asked, "What is that noise ?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there ?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for ?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle, "ME."
-
A travel agent looked up from his desk one day to see
an older lady and gentleman peering in the shop window
at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around
the world. He had had a good week and the dejected couple
gave him a rare feeling og generosity.
He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I'm sending you
off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no
for an answer.
He took them inside and asked his secretary to book 2 flights
and book a room for two in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted and were off.
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
"And how did you enjoy your holiday :" he asked her.
The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"I've come to thank you. But one thing puzzled me. Who was
that old man I had to share a room with ?"
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/fartloud.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hmodoctor.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/doctorsbill.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/onceuponatime.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/flight.jpg)
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Married Life
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious…I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that…"
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…"LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
…and they lived happily ever after. ::)
-
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes2006/Wink101004.gif)
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
-
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes2006/Wink101004.gif)
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
-
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: (http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/aBlueKnight/emotes2006/Wink101004.gif)
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
Ah, so that's why! I always wondered and now I know! It probably makes me the MOST overly Caucasian person on Earth! ;) :laugh:
Oh, that is was only a case of follicle regression! Alas, in my case it's follicly REGRESSED! Past tense! :'( ;) :laugh:
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The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
Semper Fi (http://bestsmileys.com/army/8.gif)
-
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to give it a good twist at the end.
-
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. She'll just have to learn to cook in the dark.
-
On the breast of a barmaid named Gail,
Were tattoed all the prices of ale
While on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
Was the same, only written in braille.
-
Two men working in a factory came up with a way to get some time off.
One climbed onto a rafter. When the foreman came in, he said 'what the hell are you doing up there?'
'I'm a light bulb', the man replied.
'I think you need some time off', said the foreman.
The first man climbed down and walked out of the factory, and the second man started to follow him.
'Now where the hell do you think you're going?' shouted the foreman.
'Well, ya don't expec me ta work in th dark, do ya?'
-
There once was a lady, Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
Too much hydocarbin,
And since then she's never been seen.
-
Rob........enough enough........ ::) ::)
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A ten year old Jewish boy was failing his math exams. His
parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no
avail. Finally at the insistence of a family friend, they decided
to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he
walked in from school with a stern focused and very determined
look on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room
and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled
away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and
the surrounding floor.
He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his
plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the
first term's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened,
laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she
saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed,
she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled
at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it ?" the father asked. The boy
shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The textbooks ? The teachers?
The curriculum?"
"No," said the son. "On the first day, when I walked in the front
door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign. I KNEW they were serious."
-
A man and a young very beautiful woman walk into a posh
upmarket furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink !" the
fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and
comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the
man. "That particular fur goes for $165,000.
"No problem ! I'll write you a cheque !"
"Very good sir," says the shop owner, "Today is Saturday.
You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the
cheque has cleared. " So the man and woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged.
"How dare you show your face in here ? There wasn't a single penny in
your cheque account."
"I know, but I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to
thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life !!"
-
Who understands men ?
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome ones are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, nut are nice men, have
no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men,who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual
somewhat nice and have money, are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are
shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us if we take the initiative. Now, who in the world
understands men?
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with.
-
Calories Burned During Sex:
REMOVING HIS CLOTHES:
With his consent.....................................12 Calories
Without his consent............................2,187 Calories
SLIPPING OFF HIS BOXERS:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand...................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................................12 Calories
69 lying down......................................78 Calories
69 standing up...................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style......................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.......................................36 Calories
30-39 years.......................................80 Calories
40-49 years......................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With his father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your partner knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0097.jpg)
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Hey, Dottie, those are fantastic.
Boy, you sure put a smile on our faces.
Now, how am I ever going to get to sleep laughing so much.
:-*
-
Can you relate to this?
Recently, I was diagnosed with
A. A. A. D. D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it develops:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is sti ll onl y 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I t ry to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
P.S I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!
-
"Royal Rewrite all Wrong as Mourners Lose Heads"
by Clare Morgan
Sydney Morning Herald
26 February 2008
When Prince Philip spoke of how 'people removed their hats' as he drove past, it became 'people removed their heads'. "Buckingham Palace" appeared several times as 'Burking in Paris'.
Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth and Michael Sheen as Tony Blair in The Queen.
IT WAS promoted as a chance for the deaf and hard of hearing to enjoy a free film under the stars, but a captioning debacle turned it into an embarrassment for Ryde Council.
Saturday night's screening of The Queen at North Ryde Oval became a comedy of errors thanks to subtitles either written by somebody with no comprehension of English or affected by an out-of-control spellcheck.
The film is about the death of Princess Diana and the efforts of the prime minister, Tony Blair, to help the royal family understand the public's grief and outrage.
When a character spoke about Mr Blair being "educated at Fettes", it appeared on screen as "educated the fattest". "Did you vote?" flashed up as "Dead in a boat?". The observation that "every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today" became "every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today".
When Prince Philip spoke of how "people removed their hats" as he drove past, it became "people removed their heads". "Buckingham Palace" appeared several times as "Burking in Paris".
Ally Woodford, the project manager for Media Access Australia, said the howlers would have been unbelievably frustrating for anyone relying on the captions. "I look at captioned DVDs pretty much every day and it's rare to see a DVD with those sorts of errors," she said.
It is unclear where the offending DVD came from. Outdoor Movies Australia, which staged the screening, said it was responsible only for the screen, projection and sound and directed inquiries to Ryde Council.
But the council declined to say where the DVD came from. Derek McCarthy, from the council's city promotions department, said that just before the screening it was discovered that the DVD provided by the distributor had captioning problems and another disc was sourced "to ensure the target group was not disappointed".
"The copy shown did have some spelling mistakes and interpretations of the script which affected the experience for the deaf community present," he said.
Ms Woodford said although some audience members had contacted the council to express their disappointment, they applauded the council for its initiative.
-
Judge to prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced.
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(http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/6384/gaytwogether022508owchd2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0094.jpg)
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,'
She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking
that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she
could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . .
on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment. And then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply
into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . . .
"Clean my house."
;D
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Why athletes cannot hold real jobs
;D New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
;D And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
;D Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
;D Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
;D Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
;D Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then, line up in a circle."
;D Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton "
;D Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
;D Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
;D Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
;D Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
;D Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
;D Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' )
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CANNIBAL RESTAURANT
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s..., it takes all morning."
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A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out
a gun ... and robs the bank!!!
To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next
customer in line: "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies: "YES!"
The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT &BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD
AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man ... "DID
... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK?"
The man calmly responds: "No, but my wife did!"
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Overheard On The Intercom
A jumbo jet was coming in for its final approach to Tampa Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long and put a huge smile on her face."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cock pit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a crap first.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/rain.jpg)
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website,
and the answers are actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
<><>
Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends how much you've been drinking.
<><>
Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks ? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles. Take lots of water.
<><>
Q. Are there any ATM s in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville & Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did your last slave die of ?
<><>
Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australis ? (USA)
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. . . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
<><>
Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
<><>
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
<><>
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is . . . oh forget it. Sure the Vienna Boy' Choir play every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
<><>
Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A. You are a British politician, right ?
<><>
Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round ? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
<><>
Q. Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum? (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where you come
from.
<><>
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but
I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath.
<><>
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
<><>
Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population ? (Italy)
A. Yes, gay night clubs.
<><>
Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.
<><>
Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying at Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
<><>
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)
A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before
getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll
love this one.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up hired
a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.
On a tour of facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning up
against the wall and asked, "How much money do you
make a week ?
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied,
"I make $400 a week. Why ?"
The CEO then handed him $1,600 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the
room and asked, " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-
ball did around here ?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza Delivery Guy
from Domino's."
-
On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of
twenty years."
The dog said, " That's a long time to be barking. How about ten
years and I will give you back the other ten."
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I
will give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? THat's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the dog did?"
And God sighed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, " You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give you back the
other forty."
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep,
party, marry and enjoy your life. For this I will give you
twenty years."
But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back. that makes eighty, Okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we
sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,
I am doing it as a public service.
-
A sweet young blonde goes to a soft drink machine just
ahead of a business -man who wants to quench his thirst.
She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents, studies the
buttons for a short time, pushes a Diet Coke selection and
out comes a Diet Coke. She puts it on the counter by the
machine.
She reaches into her purse and takes out a dollar and inserts
it into the machine. She examines the buttons carefully,
then pushes the button for Coke Classic. Out comes a Coke
Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately takes the change and puts it in the machine,
studies the buttons for a moment and pushes the Solo button.
Out pops a Solo.
As she is reaching into her purse again, the thirsty business-
man says, "Excuse me miss, but why are you putting more
money in?"
She looks at him and replies, indignantly, "Well, duhhh. I am
still winning !!"
-
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman
to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big-shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything other than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned !!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney ?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in
a very quiet voice said, :If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. . . . . ."
-
On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
few minutes to be memorable. Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous . . .tall, well built, with sun bleached blond
hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. Everyone is transfixed. He removes his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasps . . . . He whispers . . . .
"Here you go luv. Iron this, and then get me a beer. . . ."
-
A blonde found herself in serious financial trouble after
her business had gone bankrupt. She was so desperate
that she decided to ask God for help. She prayed, "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night came and the blonde didn't win.
She again prayed, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've
lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my
car as well."
Lottery night came and she still had no luck.
Once again, she prayed,
My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE, let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get
my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and the heavens
opened.
The blonde was over-whelmed by the voice of God Himself,
"Sweetheart, work with me on this . . .buy a ticket."
-
On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
few minutes to be memorable. Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous . . .tall, well built, with sun bleached blond
hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. Everyone is transfixed. He removes his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasps . . . . He whispers . . . .
"Here you go luv. Iron this, and then get me a beer. . . ."
:laugh:
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
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Some quotes from Dame Edna! :D
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"Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development."
"Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores."
"My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more."
"New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human."
"Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary."
"To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one's mother."
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/dame-edna01.jpg)
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At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked
Luigi, who was approaching his 50th anniversary, to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years,
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to
treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took
her to Italy for the 20th anniversary."
The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go and get her."
-
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," says the clerk.
"Nope, I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes to McDonald's and asks the girl
at the counter the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although
when I was young there was a sure fire way to tell how old a
woman was."
"It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiousity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,
go ahead."
He slips both his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs
each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He presses her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a few minutes of this, she says, "OK, OK, How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could you tell ?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you at McDonald's."
-
I was out walking with my four year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.
"WHY ?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's probably has germs on it," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration, and
asked, "Mummy, , , , ,how do you know this stuff?""Uh," I was
thinking quickly. "All mums know this stuff , it's in the Mummy
Test. You have to know it or they don't let you become a Mummy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information..
"OH, I get it," she beamed. "So if you don't pass the test, you have to
be the Daddy."
"Exactly, " I replied back with a big smile on my face.
-
Smiles for the Day
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
-
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of
a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you
buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to
the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi..............
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What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once
a year ......... they send us a complete dick.
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10, 9, 8, 7, 6 . . . . . (countdown to when PhotoBucket deletes it!)
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Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She
is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has
happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me
pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and
it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she
hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
-
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a
>> bottle on the sand & picked it up.
>>
>> Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
>> 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
>>
>> Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you
>> know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
>>
>> The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
>> returned to that bottle forever.'
>>
>> Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
>> woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American
>> women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
>>
>> The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
>>
>> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
>> Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
>>
>> His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
>> insurance.
>>
>> God is good
-
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?
He replied: “It feels marvellous, but I still think my thumb's broken.”
-
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine
and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........
BRING POSSE!!!!
-
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'
-
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
-
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/seat.jpg)
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
-
A Polish immigrant went to the Motor Registry to apply for a driver's license, and had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
-
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' asks the owner.
'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and puts him down again.
'Nithe eyeth', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth and puts him down.
'Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.
'Nithe eerth,' he says. 'Now... can I see her twot?'
'With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds
before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that:
Can I see her wun awound?
-
They were together in the house, just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder
boomed, he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong
appearance . . . and wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out . . .
She screamed . . .
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her
to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on.
They knew it was wrong . . .
Their families would never understand . . .
So consumed were they in their FEAR that
they heard no opening of doors, . . . just
the faint click of a camera.
>
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(http://img395.imageshack.us/img395/2072/bulldog26catsandyiu0.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Miracle Cure ~~ The magic effects of white wine.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered Yes to any of those questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine
can ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you
will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding
and start living with White Wine.
However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women
who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dry mouth,
dehydration, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all night rounds
of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING.
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing
like an idiot.
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again, that you love them.
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you
can sing.
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to ring them at 4 in the morning.
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better than most people.
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked.
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH
RED WINE.
-
On their way to get married a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found them-
selves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven ?
When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter says,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go and find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed;
the couple was still waiting As they waited, they discussed that
IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work ?" they
wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER ?"
After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you
CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "But we were jusy wondering, what
if things don't work out ?" Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven ?"
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto
the ground.
"What's wrong ?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON," St Peter shouts, "It took me 3 months
to find a priest up here ! Do you have ANY idea how long
it's going to take me to find a LAWYER ?"
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That was a beauty dot...
-
I received this today, from an old friend, who is NOT aware of my Brokeback obsession...
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/bbm.jpg)
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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pariss_new_accesory.jpg)
Paris Hilton's new accessory.
-
Some High School Test Answers ~ ~ The following questions
were actually collected from tests given in 2000 to 16 year
old student. Don't laugh too hard, one of these kids could be
Prime Minister one day.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water an be made safe
to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink, because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet ?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets
an election.
Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q. What happens when your body as you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes ?
A. Premature death.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized ?
(Eg., abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into three parts . . . . the
brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five vowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q. What is a fibula ?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does " varicose" mean ?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control ?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian section."
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure ?
A. A Roman emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does benign mean ?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine ?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q. What is a Hindu ?
A. It lays eggs.
-
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic
trees ! What beautiful animals !" he said to himself.
As he was walking along-side the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look, A seven foot
grizzly was charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up
the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was
closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up, but saw the bear was on top of him. At that instant, the atheist
cried out, "Oh, my God."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent as a bright
light shone upon him and a voice came out of the sky, "You deny
my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament ?"
The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian.
There was a pause and then the voice said, "Very well."
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, Bless this food I am
about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
-
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took
it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in it's ears, so he cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine, The vet then proceeded to
tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from happening
again, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover cream and rub it in the ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"hair
remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going
to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few
days."
"I'm not going to use it under my arms.."
"If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
-
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
:laugh: Hilarious! ROTFL! :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/rat.jpg)
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I (http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/love-7.gif) this thread!!!
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WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part...........................
..............................................
.......................................
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...........................
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.................
.............
........
.....
..
"Only when he's been drinking."
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I (http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/love-7.gif) this thread!!!
Me too, Shasta! :D
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One wealthy Lawyer to another .....
'At which law school did you study'
'I didn't'
'Oh, then how come you're practicing law?'
'I settled out of class.'
-
A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....
well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!
felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.
he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....
felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
-
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor bloke broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
-
Subject: Meanwhile in heaven ....
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground."
I yelled "Now back off that woman or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."
-
If at first you don't succeed ... maybe tightrope walking is not your best career choice.
-
A husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a strange man.
'What the hell are you doing' he shouted angrily.
To which his wife said to her lover...
'See, I told you he was stupid.'
-
A man was sorting out his old clothes, checking pockets in those for the charity bin, and came across a ticket from a shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed it was 11 years old.
Next morning, he went to the shoe repair shop and, with a straight face, asked for the shoes.
The shoe repairer looked at him with an equally straight face and said 'Just a minute, I'll have a look'.
Afte much rummaging around in dark corners at the back of the shop, he called out 'Oh, yes, here they are'.
The man called back, 'That's terrific. I was a bit worried they wouldn't be here after all this time'.
The repairer came back to the counter empty handed, and said calmly ..
'They'll be ready Thursday'.
-
A young, trainee reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first solo assignment.
He came back and submitted his article to the editor.
'No, no, no, James', said the editor. 'This says "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today, and received severe lacerations to her breasts".
'This is a family paper. We can't use words like "breasts". Go write it again, without that word.'
James came back a few minutes later, and proudly showed the editor his revised version.
"Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today, and received severe injuries to her (.) (.)"
-
A ventriloquist set up shop, but was having trouble attracting customers.
His friend suggested 'Why don't you try seances That's where all the money is, these days.'
So, the ventiloquist completely re-decorated his shop and put up a new sign that read ..
"Seances .. $25, $50, and $125".
A woman came in soon after, and asked if she could talk to her dead husband.
'What do I get for $25?', she asked.
'Well, said the ventoliquist, 'for $25 you can talk to your husband.'
What do I get for $50?' she asked.
Well, for $50, he will talk back to you', replied the ventiloquist.
'Wow, and what do I get for $125, then?' asks the woman.
'For $125, you get to hear your husband talk back to you while I drink a gass of water.'
-
A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....
well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!
felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.
he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....
felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
Hmm, that guy sounds a lot like someone I know, Sue! ::) ;) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/porn20pc.jpg)
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some, Thanks for the warning".
"Well not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh No" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say "$20 or off it comes".
"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck. By the way, what's int the other bag?"
"Well," says the little lady - "Not all of them pay".
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/bunchofpricks.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/dungbeatlebar.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/aaaKKK60.jpg)
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some, Thanks for the warning".
"Well not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh No" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say "$20 or off it comes".
"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck. By the way, what's int the other bag?"
"Well," says the little lady - "Not all of them pay".
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I shouldn't be laughing but - :laugh: :laugh:
-
A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age
Pension.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to
verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later" he said. The woman says,
'Unbutton your shirt.'
So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his
Age Pension application.
When he returned home,the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Centrelink office.
She says,'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the
Disability Pension, too!'
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/irish-1.gif)
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well!" said the Englishman, "Has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/irish-1.gif)
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said
The plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he
Had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
And went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?
-
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
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Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today
While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.
Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.
So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below
Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.
Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
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A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....
well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!
felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.
he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....
felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same
neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in
an18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old
Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb
blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
dollars for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."
She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
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As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, This is from the gentleman seated over there, indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read:
For your informa, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas , and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, NOT even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.
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Three friends meet at the new pub in town...
The first says, " Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come
from, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink,
you buy another drink and McDougal himself will buy your
third drink."
The second then starts, "That sounds like a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns.
At Quinns you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink, you buy
another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up, "You think that's good? Where I
come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's
they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second
drink, they buy you your third drink, and then they take
you in the back and get you laid."
"Wow." say the other two. "That sounds fantastic!! Did that
actually happen to you ?'
"No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister."
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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brien grew up
together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed
cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called
to his buddy, Shawn. "O'Brien, come here. I've a request for ye."
Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny, ole
boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.
I have one last request for ye to do."
O'Brien burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish.
It's done."
"Well under me bed, is a box containing a bottle of the finest
whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born, it was.
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour
that fine whiskey over me grave, so it might soak into me bones
for all eternity."
"O'Brien was overcome by the beauty and in true Irish spirit of
his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, it's a fine thing you ask
of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But might I strain it first
through me kidneys ?"
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An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon
Airport. "I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman.
"He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time It's his first
trip home in forty years."
"Will you be able to recognize him ?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away
for a long time."
"I wonder if he will recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, and I haven't
been away at all."
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits at the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each glass in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches
and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to
remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for
each brother and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to
the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want
to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss.
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns and he laughs. Oh, no, everybody's just fine." he explains.
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had
to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though !!"
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they
decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they
went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex ?" he asked rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say
I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking
over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked,
" Was that one word or two words ?"
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I'm a little behind in reading my Time magazines but will try to catch-up over Easter and post more topical cartoons shortly. ;) :D
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The 6th grade teacher, Ms. Rock, asked her class,
"Which body part increases to ten times its size
when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Marcy stood up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a
question like that. I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will tell the principal who will then fire you."
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Ms. Rock ignored her and asked the question again.
Finally , Bruce stood up, looked around nervously,
and said, "The body part that increases ten times
its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Ms. Rock said, "Very good, Bruce," then turned to
Marcy and continued, "As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say,
1. You have a dirty mind.
2. You didn't read your homework, and
3. One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife
into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
want him to die, each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch make him a nutritous meal. For
dinner prepare a especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard
day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly,
make love with your husband several times a week
and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the
next ten months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say ?"
"You're going to die." she replied.
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn. ;D
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Jack and Joan were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
But then Jack realized that he would need his wife
to wake him at 5 am for an early morning drive with
his friends to pay golf. Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence - and so lose the war, he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 am," and
gave it to his wife.
The next morning, Jack woke up, to discover it was
already 9 am. He knew that his friends would have
left without him. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5 am. Wake up !!" :laugh:
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A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for
Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back there.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going
to Melbourne and I'm staying right here.
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest the blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm
married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry ~ I had no idea," gets up and moves back to
her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and
co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to
Melbourne."
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
Urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached
the reception desk he noticed that the receptionist was a
large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist
said, "Yes I have your name right here. you want to see the
doctor about impotence, correct ?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly,
and replied in an equally loud voice.
"No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I
don"t want the same doctor who did yours !!!"
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NEW WORDS TO THE SONG......I WILL SURVIVE
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
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One day a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give £2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the £2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
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An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in a
desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help
with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy uo to the car and yelled, "Pull
Nellie, pull" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollowed, "Pull, Buster, pull."
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull."
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."
The horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the
wrong name three times.
"Well Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the
only horse pulling, he wouldn't even try."
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting
with a demon. The demon asked, ""Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell."
Hell's not so bad," the demon said, "We actually
have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
"Sure, " the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
coolers, vodka and Red Bull. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more."
The guy is astounded, "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker ?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it."
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember ?"
"Wow," said the guy, "that's awesome."
The demon said, "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why, yes as a matter of fact I do.
"Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."
"You into drugs ?"
"Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean . . ."
"That's right. Thursday is drug day. Help yourself
to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?"
"Wow," said the guy, starting to feel better about his
situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place."
The demon said, "You gay ?"
"No way."
"Ooooooooh, well then you're gonna hate Fridays."
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Happy Easter Season, Kerry :D
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Happy Easter Season, Kerry :D
Happy Easter to you too, Doug!
And to all Komedy Klub members!
Have a lovely Easter, everyone!
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and bega n putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looks again and again says, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."
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Fatal Mistake
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’"
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Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'
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Six presidents were on a sinking boat........
Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the lifeboats"
Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Carter says, "Women first"
Nixon says, "Screw the women"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"
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As reported at Yahoo!7 News, Thursday 27 March 2008:
http://au.news.yahoo.com/080327/23/16a0p.html?f=mv
New Zealand Man Claims Rape by Aussie Wombat
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A New Zealand man has been sentenced to 75 hours community service for telling police he was being raped by a wombat.
Arthur Ross Cradock of Motueka rang police to ask for help on February 11, The Nelson Mail reported.
In a later call to police, Cradock retracted the wombat rape complaint, but said the incident had left him with an Australian accent.
"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," Mr Cradock told an emergency operator.
In court, Cradock pleaded guilty to 'using a phone for fictitious purpose', the newspaper said.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a part in Cradock's life, but the defendant's lawyer denied it was a problem on the day of the phone calls.
In sentencing, Judge Richard Russell said he was not sure what motivated Cradock to make such statements and warned him not to do it again.
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Trailer Park Trash! :o
Angelina & Brad with MULLETS!!! :laugh:
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Thanks for the good laugh I have every time I come here, Dottie, Kerry, and Katie77 !!!!
You guys are great!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thanks for the good laugh I have every time I come here, Dottie, Kerry, and Katie77 !!!!
You guys are great!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Thanks Darlin :-*
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Yes, thank you Dagi......I often wonder if anyone is in here reading them......
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Thanks for the good laugh I have every time I come here, Dottie, Kerry, and Katie77 !!!!
You guys are great!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
:-* {{{Dagi}}} :-*
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Yes, thank you Dagi......I often wonder if anyone is in here reading them......
I sometimes think that too. But I take heart when I look at the top of this page and see that the Komedy Klub has had 23,596 hits since opening just over a year ago. :o
Yee-Haw! :laugh:
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I can't respond to any emails today.
Something has crashed on my computer & my mouse is missing . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/CAT2.gif)
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I can't respond to any emails today.
Something has crashed on my computer & my mouse is missing . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/CAT2.gif)
It might be a bit awkward, but this is how you will have to use your mouse in future.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/catmouse.jpg)
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It might be a bit awkward, but this is how you will have to use your mouse in future.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/catmouse.jpg)
Haha! Love it! :laugh:
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I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures!!!!
But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.
I tried for a while, I can't see any stupid ocean!
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/ocean.jpg)
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I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures!!!!
But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.
I tried for a while, I can't see any stupid ocean!
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/ocean.jpg)
Nope, I can't see the ocean either. ??? And I stared at it for the longest time! ::)
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When a woman wears a leather dress
A man's heart beats quicker,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
???
???
:)
::)
:o
Because she smells like a new truck.
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Nope, I can't see the ocean either. ??? And I stared at it for the longest time! ::)
Same here..Ocean (http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/40fran/wowsmilie.gif) WHAT Ocean ?
???
::)
:laugh:
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A man walked into the office of a plastic surgeon and gave
a cheque for two thousand pounds to the receptionist.
"I think there is some mistake," said the receptionist.
"Your bill is only one thousand pounds."
"I know," said the man, "but the operation was tremendously
successful. The surgeon took some skin from my behind -
where no one will ever see that it's missing - and grafted it
on to my cheek and totally got rid of the large scar I used to
have there."
"So the extra thousand is for a job well done?" asked the
receptionist.
"Not exactly. It's a token of appreciation for all the delight
I get every time my mother-in-law kisses my backside - and
doesn't even know it."
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Holy E-Mail......
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the
angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said,'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to
help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
???
???
???
???
Okay. I was just wondering. I didn't get one either.....
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Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen
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MY NEW NAME IS Tootsie Featherbiscuits.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore & ruin it. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family & co-workers.
Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
So:-
1. Use the third letter of your fi rst name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdl e
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. sometimes it pays to be a little childish
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My NEW name is Dipsy Chuckledoodle :laugh:
:-*
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Good evening. I'm Dorfus Gizzardlips. Pleased to meet you.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/110306-zanetti-kong.jpg)
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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......and while we are on the subject of wooden legs.......heres a few "McCartney" jokes......
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long'! She said in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped'
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on One Knee again - Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get home at night and find her legless'
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
dont blame me.....i dont write em...I just send em on....
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Boobie Hubblebutt!!! LOL.
-
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says
to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on a machine. If that happens, just pull the
plug."
So his wife gets up and unplugs the TV
-
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in and she turned and said, " You've got to make
love to me at this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then
gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg-timer is broken."
-
An old lady was lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off she went to the pet shop. She searched
and searched. But none of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he
was in , she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, "I'm so lonely too. Buy me and take me home.
You won't ever be sorry."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything
else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the
front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to
her, "Kiss me and you won't be sorry."
So, the old lady figured, "What the heck," and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy,
young, handsome prince.
The prince returned the old lady's kiss.
Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss.
Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?
COME ON GUESS !
v
v
v
v
OOOOOOOOHHHHHH COME ON ~~ DON'T BE A POOP !
v
v
v
v
She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find !!!
She's old . . . . NOT DEAD !!!!!! Old ladies Rock.
-
When Cardboard Men Come in Handy.
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver
eases it over on to the shoulder of the road, carefully steps
out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two card-
board men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle. facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their
nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here ?"
My car broke down, officer," says the blonde calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the road ?" he asks.
"Hellllooooooo!!!!! " says the blonde. "These are my
emergency flashers !!"
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A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of
marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is
and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they
have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She
goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk,
embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off
her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her.
Needless to say, the woman shuts up and the sits quietly
with a very satisfied look on her face.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you
do that ?"
The husband thinks for a moment and then replies, "Well,
I can get her here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays
I play golf."
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/9169/vz4qr1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/9562/vz1ef1.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/816/vz2yk8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/4615/vz3vu7.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
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Boobie Hubblebutt!!! LOL.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/816/vz2yk8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0102.jpg)
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Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist
and harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with
petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white
gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my
husband finished showering and came into the room wearing
a towel.
Drying himself, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it
on. "What are you doing ?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "if you are going to be formal, so am I. "
-
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed
by 15 kids . . .
"WOW," said the social worker, "are they all yours ?"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit
down, Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign
up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my eldest -- he is Leroy.
"OK, and who's next ?"
"Well, this one is Leroy also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy !!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell "Leroy."
And when it's time for dinner, I just yell "Leroy" and they all
come arunning. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into
the stree, I just yell "Leroy" and all of them stop. It's the
smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE
kid to come, and not the whole bunch ?"
"Oh, then I call them by their last names."
-
Husband and wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you're no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and calls her. She comes to the phone after many
rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long
to answer the phone ?"
She says, "I was in bed."
He said, "In bed this early, doing what ?"
"Getting a second opinion."
-
A man had great tickets to the Grand Final. As he sits down,
another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the seat next to him.
"No." he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest
sporting event in Australia, and not use it ?"
He says, " Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This
is the first Grand Final we haven't been together since
we got married."
"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a
neighbor to take the seat ?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
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A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"
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In ancient times there was a community known as the Goodnu's. As all communities did in these times the Goodnu's lived right on the river bank for trading, transportation and sustenance. Water was almighty and worshipped as a God. One day there was a tremendous hurricane far out in the ocean. It's ferocity blew a large flock of "Foo" birds way off course sending them inland many hundreds of miles and in the vicinity of the Goodnu's community. The Goodnu people had never seen a "Foo" bird and were quite curious as to it's sudden and obviously evil presence. The "Foo" bird, as we all know, is a very ugly, evil-looking bird. This caused the Goodnu people to become very uneasy believing they did something wrong to God and that this bird should be avoided. One day a "Foo" bird flew overhead and screeched: "Foo, Foo" and shit on a Goodnu's head. The man ran screaming into the river believing the Holy powers of the river would cleanse him of this evil turd and its consequences. As soon as the man washed this unholy turd from his ear canal he suddenly keeled over and died. The Goodnu's were now convinced of the "Foo" bird's evilness. The next day a woman was outside and heard: "Foo, Foo". Before she could react the "Foo" bird dropped a bomb landing a syrupy turd across her face. Shocked and panicked she ran into the river furiously washing her face of this sloppy stew. The village watched in horror as this woman also died once cleansed of the runny turd. The very next day a village wiseman heard those famous words: "Foo, Foo". He like others had witnessed the terrible deaths of two of his villages' people in the last two days. He too was struck right in the forehead by the "Foo" birds accurately guided turd missile. His first reaction was confusion and he sprinted towards the river. However, he stopped short and thought of his obvious demise should he cleanse the turd wafer from his forehead. He did not cleanse the poo pile from his forehead and lived. So the wiseman went to the other people of the village, gathered them around and stated to them: "There is an obvious lesson here my good people. The moral of this story is: 'If the Foo shits, wear it.'".
-
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
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The gorgeous new maid had once been a gymnast in Romania.
She was now trying to improve her English by working for
Lord and Lady Spiffleburgson at their mansion in Dorset.
The maid had been with the Spiffleburgsons for only nine
days and found many English habits rather strange. But she
was determined to succeed as she desperately needed her
salary to help support her family in Romania.
Thus it was that at a luncheon party at the mansion she
walked in, carefully carrying a large bowl of salad, but the
guests were rather astonished that she was completely naked.
The gentlemen at the luncheon raised their eyebrows while
secretly admiring her trim, lithe young body, while the ladies
demurely tried to look away.
After the maid had placed the bowl of salad on the table and
was leaving the room. Lady Spiffleburgson rose from her
chair and accompanied the maid to the kitchen.
"My dear," said her ladyship, "why are you walking around
naked?"
"I only obey your orders," said the maid, "I hear you say-
- you say several times -- and you say it important for me to
remember -- I must serve the salad without dressing."
-
The Scotsman was visiting London for the day and called
upon a lady of pleasure in Soho and, after he had partaken
of her bodily delights, he gave her $2000.
"Why, that's incredibly generous of you," exclaimed the
surprised lady. "No man has ever before given me so much.
And yet, from your accent, you sound Scottish. Which part
of Scotland do you come from?"
"From Edinburgh," replied the Scotsman.
"How fantastic. My father works in Edinburgh."
"I know, " Said the Scotsman. "When he heard I was coming
to London, he asked me to bring you a share of his lottery
winnings - $2000.
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RIP Heath
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RIP Heath
:-\ :'( very touching, Kerry.
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This is what I seem to chase every day at work.
Know what I mean, Kerry ?? ;D
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Be careful what you wish for !!
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(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc129/underdown07/image015.jpg)
This is what I seem to chase every day at work.
Know what I mean, Kerry ?? ;D
Only too well, Rob. Only too well. :-\
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ORAL SURGERY
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, " Hey, i no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work "
The boss says, " You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When i feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex,
that makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, " I do what you say and i feel great.
I be at work soon............You got nice house."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues :
Man : "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hich-hiking. We
went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest : "Are you sorry for your sins"
Man : "What sins ?"
Priest : "What kind of Catholic are you?"
Man : "I'm Jewish."
Priest : "Then WHY are you telling me all this ?"
Man : "I'm 92 years old. . . . I'm telling everybody."
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Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Fr. O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the Tax department. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know Ted Houlihan ?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you
be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services
for an animal in church. But there may be some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe, they'll
do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do you think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary. Why didn't you tell me
the dog was Catholic ?"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, " Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will take that smile off your face." ;D
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see this lady again, For your penance, say Five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused and then started to
leave. The priest who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, well I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
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Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Fr. O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the Tax department. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know Ted Houlihan ?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
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Birthday Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends
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A wish
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pacify.jpg)
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Sydney Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, my son - it's a local call'.
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I gotta agree with that Kerry.............
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I gotta agree with that Kerry.............
;) ;) ;) :laugh:
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Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were
both laid off. At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked
his occupation, "Panty stitcher. . . I sew de elastic in ladies'
panties," he replied.
Being unskilled labor, Paddy was given 100 euros a week. When
Mick was asked the same question, he replied "diesel fitter"
and since this is skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more
than him, he was furious. He stormed back to the unemployment
office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more dosh.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.
"What fecking skill??? yelled Paddy. " I sew the elastic on the
panties. Mick puts them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
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Out of the Mouths of Babes ...
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
five year old son playing with his new electric tain in
the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause
this is the last stop. And all of you b*****ds getting on
get your ass on the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks right now."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that sort of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room for two hours. When you come out,
you may play with the train, but you must use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and
the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train , please remember to take all your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under
your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train, We
hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, :For those of
you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen.
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you,"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a
bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation
after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner
of the room. his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, the n squawked,"I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird, Moses ?"
"The kind that would name a Rotteweiller Jesus."
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An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase
his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked
for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1
to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were
close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex this time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free
sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct
number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,
'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't re ally give away
free sex.' Bubba replied, ' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't
rigged. My sister won twice last week.
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An irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A policeman pulls him over.
"So", says the policeman to the driver , "Where have you been "?
"Why I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk .
"Well", says the lawman "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening ".
"I did all right ," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know ,"says the policeman standing straight and folding his arms across his chest , "That a few intersections back , your wife fell out of your car ?"
"Oh, thank heavens", sighs the drunken driver , "For a minute there , I THOUGHT I HAD GONE DEAF ."
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Th e male gymnast needed to raise money to support
himself while in training and to pay for his travel
and hotel expenses during overseas competition.
He was therefore delighted when he was asked to
participate in a secret mission for a month during the
peak tourist season at the local zoo
The zoo's much loved ape had just died. It was a great
tourist attraction as he was extremely acrobatic,
jumpimg from branch to branch, swinging from the ropes,
doing somersaults.
The zoo did not want to admit that the ape had died as
many people came to the zoo just to watch the ape. Without
such an attraction, the number of visitors would decline --
and the zoo needed every paying customer it could get to
survive.
The gymnast was therefore asked to dress up in the ape's skin
and act like the ape tumbling, swinging and being very energetic.
The gymnast loved this new work and all went well until the
last week of the engagement. After a particularly energetic.
swing on the rope he accidently let go and hurled out of the
cage and into the lion's enclosure.
As he landed, he looked up to see a fierce lion approaching.
He started to scream for help, but the lion put a mighty paw
across the gymnast's mouth and hissed, "Sssh. Do you want
us both to lose our summer jobs ?"
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric,
the 11 year old boy from next door, whose bedroom
looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked
a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So what
was wrong ?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but none the less inquired,
An ID tenT error ? "What's that . . .In case I need to fix
it again?"
Eric grinned . . . "Haven't you ever heard of the ID ten T
ever before ?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, And I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down I D I O T. I used to like Eric !!
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Brookpark, Ohio. Burglars recently broke in to an
unoccupied house that was being renovated for sale.
Among the items they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn
mower, weed whackers, and lumber.
They broke into a storage area under the deck and also
a shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed
the lawn of the residence.
Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the
the home, but they never called the police, because they
figured the men had been hired to cut the lawn.
The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure
washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week
as they did a better job than the lawn care company they
had hired. and they were cheaper also.
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An elderly gentleman . . . had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and he said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times."
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on
the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need
my help to leave the hospital,
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him into the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
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A couple in their nineties were both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they are fine physically, but they might
want to start writing things down to help remember
them.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair, "Want anything from the kitchen?"
he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of icecream ?" "Sure."
Don't you think you you should write it down, so you
can remember it ?" she asks.
"No. I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too, Maybe
you should write it down so as not to forget ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl
of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
foget that. Write it down." she says.
Irratated, he says, "I don't need to write iy gown. Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream.. I get it
for goodness sake."
Then he toddles off to the kitchen. After about twenty
minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of baon and eggs. She stares at
it for a moment, then says, "Where's my toast?"
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Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few data later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, :You're doing really great, aren't you ?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. "Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got
a heart murmur, be careful."
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Ooooppppssss ::) How much trouble you figure this kid is in, that's a permanent marker in his hand :o
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/sonictombstone/Chataway/permanent_marker.jpg)
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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SMART ARSE ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Supermarket
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
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A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied. 'Why can't I have a double dose?' the man asked. 'It's not safe,' the doctor replied. 'But I need it really bad,' the man explained. 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday.' 'Okay, I'll give it to you,' the doctor relented. 'But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects.' On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?' The man said, 'No one showed up.'
-
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a older lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Never under estimate us old broads!
Our minds are always working!
-
Paddy and the Taxman
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
Appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is
not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and Rno
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other
eye.'
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he
has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet
you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee
into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and pee
all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it..'
-
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kanhave one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kanbe dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid !!!!!!!
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Sorry .... I can't respond to any emails today.
Something crashed on my computer, and the mouse is missing.
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private rooms and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"
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Does this look familiar..............
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
-
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ... OMG Kerry, that was TOOOOO funny at bed-time ;D
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ... OMG Kerry, that was TOOOOO funny at bed-time ;D
Glad you enjoyed it, Rob. It made me giggle too. :laugh:
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Irishman led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friends asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock." he drunkenly replied.
"A talking clock - seriously?"
"Yup."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch," he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.
His mates stood looking at one another in abject silence.
Suddenly an angry voice from the other side of the wall screamed - "For f*#k sakes, you stupid arse. It's 10 past 3 in the f*#king morning!!!!!!!"
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A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your
finest Less, please."
"Less ? Never heard of it."
"Come on, Sure you have."
"No really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some
kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not quite sure. It was my doctor who mentioned
it He said I should drink Less."
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health
agency, was out making her rounds visiting
home-bound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline stato
was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and
buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas
can he owned had been loaned out., but she could
wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient,
she decided not to wait, and back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could
fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to
the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carries the bed-
pan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried
the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring it into her tank, two Baptists
watched from across the street. One of them turned
to the other and said:
"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they
are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered
in to see the apope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son.' "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are
there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks
for a moment and answers, "No Grumpy, there are no
dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a fe of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in Europe ?"
The Pope, puzzled now, thinks for a moment and
then answers, "No Grumpy, there are no dwarf
nuns in Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr..Pope! Are there
ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm
sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and
laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks, as they began chanting . . . . . .
"Grumpy shagged a penguin. Grumpy shagged a penguin."
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A Scotsman was having breakfast in Paris - coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam.
A Frenchman, chewing bubble gum, sat next to him and asked the Scot if he ate the crusts of his bread.
When the Scot answered he did, the Frenchman blew a bubble in his gum and smirkingly retorted 'In France we eat the centres and turn the crusts into croissants and sell them to Scotland'.
The Scot remained silent.
But the French guy persisted 'Do you eat the jam with your bread?', and getting the response 'Of course', continued 'In France, we only eat fresh fruit. We take the pips, seeds, peel and leftovers and make them into jam and sell it to Scotland'.
After a moment, the Scot asked his companion 'In France, do you have sex?', and after eliciting the astounded 'Of course!' asked 'And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?'. 'Throw them away naturally' was the reply.
The Scot smiled broadly 'In Scotland, we melt them down and turn them into chewing gum and sell it to France!'.
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A blond guy went to a world wide message centre to send a message to his mother overseas.
When told it would cost $300, he reached for his wallet, only to exclaim 'I forgot my money! But I'd do anything to get a message to my mother'.
'Anything?' the centre attendant asked.
'Yes, anything' was the reply.
'Just follow me' the attendant said, as he lead the blond guy to a small room.
'Close the door' - the blond guy did.
'Down on your knees' - and the blond guy complied.
'Pull down my zipper' - again the blond guy as he was told.
'Now take it out' - and the blond guy did.
The blond reached into the fly and grabbed it with both hands, brought his mouth closer to it, and while holding it closer to his lips, whispered:
'Hi Mum, can you hear me?'
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A man is recovering after surgery when a nurse asks him
how he is feeling.
"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used
just as I was dozing off after the anesthetic he says.
"What did he say?" the nurse asks.
" OOPS."
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A ninety year old man checked into a posh hotel to
celebrate his birthday. As a surprise, some friends
sent a call girl to his room.
When he answered the door , he saw before him a
beautiful young woman. "I have a present for you."
she said.
"Really ?" replied the bewildered gent.
"I'm here to give you super sex," she whispered.
"Thanks," he said thoughtfully, "I'll take the soup."
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Why if you mix water and flower, you get glue ?
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Why when you add eggs and sugar, you get cake?
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where did the glue go ??
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Need an answer ??
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You know darned well where the glue went....
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That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT !!!
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A drunk stumbles into a confessional booth, sits down and starts to doze off .
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk cotinues to sit there half-asleep.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk speaks and says, "Aint no use knockin', dere ain't no paper on dis side either!!!.
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in Wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic Patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up To
two fingers, then three, then four, t hen with my whole hand in. I Work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly But surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!
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A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
>
> One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
> 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
> I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You
show him
> where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
>
> The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man
> arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.
>
> They walk alo ng the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells
him,
> 'This is the one right here.'
>
> The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me
lady,
> 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
>
> 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very
confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man s ays, 'And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?'
>
> The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I
guess it's
> to hang your pants on.'
>
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood
and
said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get
into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries
old.
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy
said
and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside
the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck,
who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make
it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make
it
in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office,
I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my
name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with
another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the
enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your
advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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'Viagra' is now available in a sweetened powder form, which you use in place of sugar in tea or coffee.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
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A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/petrolprices.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cat.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/valentine.jpg)
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Matrimonial advice from a very considerate & loving husband
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is George. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bernie.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Bernie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bernie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, George
EDITOR'S NOTE
George died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Bernie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that George somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/revenge.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/beaver.jpg)
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
***********************************************************
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How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/reading.jpg)
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This is very clever . . . . . . and it's funny, too! :D
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/viruz.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/viruznot.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bowtie.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/normal.jpg)
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This is funny . . . . . .
Go to Google and type in the word Google backwards and then click on I'm Feeling Lucky.
;) :laugh:
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OLD IS WHEN
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer. "Pick one; I can't do both."
OLD IS WHEN
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN
Getting a little action means you don't need
to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN
Getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
OLD IS WHENAn all nighter means not getting up to use the
bathroom.
OLD IS WHEN
You are not sure these are jokes.
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A small town's only barber was known for his
arrogant, negative attitude. When one of his
customers mentioned he'd be going to Rome
on holiday and hoped to meet the Pope, the
barber's reaction was typical. "You, lad, Meet
the Pope.? Don't make me laugh. The pope sees
kings and queens and presidents. What would
he wan with you?"
A month later, the man returned for another
haircut. "How was Rome?" asked the barber.
"Great. I saw the pope.
"From St Peter's Square, I suppose with the rest
of the crowd." said the barber.
"Yes, but then two guards came up, said the pope
wanted to meet me, and took me right into his
private apartment in the Vatican.
"Really?" the barber asked, "What did he say?"
"He said, "Who gave you that lousy haircut?"
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The truck driver stopped at a roadside diner.
His waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of
coffee and a piece of pie.
As the trucker was about to start eating, three
men in leather jackets pulled up on motor-cycles
and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger,
the second one drank his coffee and the other one
took his pie. The truck driver didn't say a word.
He got up, put on his jacket, paid the cashier and
left.
One of the biker's said to the cashier. "Not much
of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver either," she replied
"He just ran his truck over three motor-cycles."
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Funny last sentence ? !
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/seeit.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/print.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/mail.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ram.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/frogs.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/chickenandegg.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/scrapbooking.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/laugh.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/rubberducky.jpg)
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Did you hear about the bloke who walked into a petrol station and asked for $10 worth of gas??
The attendant farted, and gave him a receipt.
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively -
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?' (http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c22/Lyndis6/Smilies/teehee.gif)
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/40fran/Cat-CatInEmergencyBoxInCaseOfEmerge.jpg)
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'To My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight .
'When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: ' My Dear Husband :
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:-
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/lassie.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/hear.jpg)
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Merci Kerry !
That is funny !
Guess that we all take turns to hear ONLY some words ?
Au revoir,
hugs!
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THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED NANNA !
The computer swallowed Nanna.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
A ND files of every kind,
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mummy,
My searches to refine.
The reply from her was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Nanna you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
A ND send her back to me.
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THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED NANNA !
The computer swallowed Nanna.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
A ND files of every kind,
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mummy,
My searches to refine.
The reply from her was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Nanna you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
A ND send her back to me.
Aww, that's sooo cute! ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/vent.gif)
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Heres another little poem i received today.....its pretty cute too. (and very true, lol)
Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>
Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/COMPUTERFRIENDS.gif)
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Just what the Doctor ordered .....
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
room of other patients I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Just what the Doctor ordered .....
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
room of other patients I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
:laugh: Good on him! :laugh:
My doctor's receptionist wouldn't DARE ask his patients what's wrong with them. It's an inner-city practice in the heart of Sydney's gay ghetto. My doctor is gay, as is most of his client base. She knows it's best NOT to ask! ;) :o :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/god.png)
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This is funny . . . . . .
Go to Google and type in the word Google backwards and then click on I'm Feeling Lucky.
;) :laugh:
very clever indeed!
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very clever indeed!
Glad you liked it, Paul. :D
Did your screen view return to normal OK? ???
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/edna.gif)
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Glad you liked it, Paul. :D
Did your screen view return to normal OK? ???
I typed in "elgoog" in the mirror screen and clicked I'm feeling lucky and the screen reversed! It seems to toggle back and forth.
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
-
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
-
Irish Speedos
IRISH SPEEDOS Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland, was on Bondi beach but couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
'Mate...it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate....you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing. Some even looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
'JESUSSSS!' cried the lifeguard. 'Mate....the potato goes in front!'
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(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/fb1.jpg)
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Irish Speedos
IRISH SPEEDOS Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland, was on Bondi beach but couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
'Mate...it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate....you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing. Some even looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
'JESUSSSS!' cried the lifeguard. 'Mate....the potato goes in front!'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'
The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'
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Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'
The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'
:laugh: ROTFL :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gaypridelions.jpg)
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(http://www.spareroom.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/redneck_engagement_announce.jpg)
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(http://www.spareroom.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/redneck_engagement_announce.jpg)
Oops! :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Free-Gay-Pride-Rainbow-Posters.gif)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gaysmile.gif)
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Oops! :laugh:
LOL!! I am just saying! If you were going down to have your picture made for the paper to announce your engagement, I realize you want to wear your Sunday best and all but READ your shirt first!
or have someone read it TO you, if you have to!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gay_9.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ththgaypride.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/animGlagCuadroTriangle.gif)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gay.jpg)
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Happy Pride, Kerry!
That reminds me: I once saw Sylvester in concert, about twenty years ago.
I recall that he said, "Some days, I wake up feeling so fabulous, I just don't know what to do with myself."
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Happy Pride, Kerry!
That reminds me: I once saw Sylvester in concert, about twenty years ago.
I recall that he said, "Some days, I wake up feeling so fabulous, I just don't know what to do with myself."
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Gay_Pride.jpg)
:D Happy Pride to you too, Paul! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gaygod.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/curtains.gif)
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
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Archbishop Peter Jensen is the Anglican Primate of Sydney. As such, he is one of Australia's most senior clergyman. He also happens to be a particularly unpleasant, self-promoting, bitter, twisted, nasty little bigot and homophobe. For example, he recently attended a synod of extreme rightist Anglican clergyman, held in Jerusalem. It goes without saying that the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is supposed to be their superior, did not attend. One of the major reasons for the Jerusalem Synod was to discuss the present crisis in the Anglican Church, presented by the "problem" of homosexuality. Needless to say, this nasty little man inspired me to draw a couple of satirical cartoons about him. To see more of my cartoons, go here:
http://community.webshots.com/user/kez4oz
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0111.jpg)
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>
> > A good Golf Joke
> A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an
> Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in
> front of them.
> The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
> for fifteen minutes!"
> The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor
> golf!"
> The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
> The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
> have a word with him."
> "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group
> ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
> fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
> so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
> prayer for them tonight."
> The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
> ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
> fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
> The Aussie said, "Why can't they f----ing play at night?"
>
>
>
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(http://www.talentzoo.com/images/unchained/BrokebackMountainDewLarge.gif)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0110.jpg)
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> > Two English businessmen in London were
> > sitting down
> > > > > for a break in their soon-to-be new
> store.
> > > > >
> > > > > As yet, the store wasn't ready,
> with
> > only a few
> > > > > shelves set up.
> > > > >
> > > > > One said to the other, "I bet any
> > minute now some
> > > > > idiot tourist is going to walk by, put
> his
> > face to
> > > > > the window, and ask what we're
> > selling."
> > > > >
> > > > > No sooner were the words out of his
> mouth
> > when, sure
> > > > > enough, a curious Italian walked to the
> > window, had
> > > > > a peek, and in a thick Italian accent
> asked
> > "Ay, what
> > > > > are youse guys sellin in dere?"
> > > > >
> > > > > One of the men replied sarcastically,
> > "We're selling
> > > > > ass-holes"
> > > > >
> > > > > Without skipping a beat, the Italian
> said,
> > "You're
> > > > > doing a good job ... Only two
> left."
> > > > >
> > > > > Englishmen - God bless them - but they
> > shouldn't not mess with
> > > > > Italians...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> >
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
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BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0112.jpg)
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(http://www.talentzoo.com/images/unchained/BrokebackMountainDewLarge.gif)
Cheers, dears! Up yer kilts! ;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bbmduo-1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/easy.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/emailcartoon.jpg)
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I'm allowed to tell this joke, because I was once a blonde. ;)
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS. ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pepsi.jpg)
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 11 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing and so adorable, Mr. Smith replies,'Well Bruce, you are only 11. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'
Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
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I heard a limerick today that I wanted to share:
There once was a man named Clyde,
Who fell through an outhouse and died,
Along came his brother,
Who fell through another,
And they both were interred side by side.
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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics. Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting at the end.
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And another thing about Noah's Ark...............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/notagainsttherules-1.jpg)
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And another thing about Noah's Ark...............
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/notagainsttherules-1.jpg)
;) :laugh:
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BELIEVE it or Not!
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Yee-Haw! The Pope is visiting Sydney for World Youth Day! Of all the images swamping the media, this one took my fancy!
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Yawn.jpg)
Kinda puts it all in perspective, no? ;) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon2.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon3.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon4.jpg)
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
(http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj247/lmogus2002/My%20Space/Elmo.gif)
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd212/dmsjets/Elmo/ElmoBlocks.jpg)
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(http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/emoticons/000202BD.gif) good one Shasta ;D
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TY, Dottie! I like your cute ROFL little fella, too! ;D
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A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," he said.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused."
The official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon6.jpg)
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HANGOVERS........they aint pretty....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover1.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover2.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover3.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover4.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover5.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover6.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover7.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hangover8.jpg)
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HANGOVERS........they aint pretty....
And speaking of hangovers . . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-wed6.jpg)
(It's worth scrolling over, just to see the look on the bride's face --->)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/partytime.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-wed8.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/182.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/z-wed15.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/9339e8a7.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/dogleg.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/hishergarages.jpg)
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Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Charles, which, got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes ...................... My feet are killing me!'
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge.
'Harder!' yelled" Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling!
But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
'There! .Oh, God, that feels so good!'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she had to still be a virgin!'
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!'
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/thong1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/thong1.jpg)
Love it Kerry.... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Only thing is, maybe its just us Aussies that will "get it".
Just to explain to those abroad.....we call those flip flops....THONGS. We were calling them that, long before the underwear thongs came out.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
These shoes jokes are killin me !
Thanks buddies.
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......
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Love it Kerry.... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Only thing is, maybe its just us Aussies that will "get it".
Just to explain to those abroad.....we call those flip flops....THONGS. We were calling them that, long before the underwear thongs came out.
:laugh: Haha! Thanks for explaining that, Sue! I forgot that what we Aussies call a thong and what Americans call a thong are two entirely different things, haha! ;) :laugh:
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Excuse me, Prince Harry, is that a sceptre in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?! ;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Harry.jpg)
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lol.....with a tool like that.....there is hope for the monarchy after all.......
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GIRLS NIGHT OUT........................
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
undies and use them.
Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of undies that
she did not want to ruin, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use
the ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no undies!'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with
a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station
We'll never forget you. '
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lol.....with a tool like that.....there is hope for the monarchy after all.......
Haha - Prince Harry certainly has Royal Stuart blood from him mother, Princess Diana. I'm not sure how much Windsor blood he has, though! :-\
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/snake-1.jpg)
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A rich man living in Darwin (Aus) decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said,
'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
want?
Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in the
pool.'
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The Pope recently visited Sydney for World Youth Day.
There was a huge selection of souvenirs available from the official souvenir tent outside St Mary's Cathedral in Hyde Park, catering for the thousands of pilgrims who flocked to Sydney from all over the world. In competition to the formal merchandise, however, a group of feminists, gay activists and pro-choice advocates put out their own range of souvenirs. This is my favourite item from their catalogue.
;) :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pope.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/pay.jpg)
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A major International company was looking to
hire someone for an important position,
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says
'My answer is, there IS no answer.'
The second, from New Zealand, says
'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'
The third one, from Australia, says
'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'
The Australian got the job...
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/270606-zanetti-noticeboard.jpg)
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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
-
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, ( looking up.)
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the f-'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the f-'n height - and she gives us the f-'n length.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
-
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gonnabeabear.jpg)
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Hey Kerry and all,
I don't know why on earth I never commented on this 280 pages long thread - but I read here regularly. Love it! :-*
And in my next life, I'm so gonna be a bear! ;D
-
Hey Kerry and all,
I don't know why on earth I never commented on this 280 pages long thread - but I read here regularly. Love it! :-*
And in my next life, I'm so gonna be a bear! ;D
I'm so glad you enjoy the Komedy Klub and that you visit regularly. Please feel free to post your funnies here, too. No matter what they are - jokes, cartoons, funny pics - post them all here at the Komedy Klub, for us all to enjoy. Everyone is very welcome to post their funnies here. :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/comfort.jpg)
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Some clever and funny advertising on the side of vending machines.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/adv1.gif)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/adv2.gif)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/adv3.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Those vending machine ads are just so clever and funny. Loved them Sue :)
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Glad you enjoy all the funnies here Penthesilea.....
Heres one that gave me a good belly laugh.....
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a
computer!!!!!'
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:o Hello, gorgeous! :P :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Priceless.jpg)
(P.S., It's a cushion!) ;) :laugh:
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OMG........... :o :o :o
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Marriage means . . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/MarriageMeans1.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/MarriageMeans2.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/MarriageMeans3.jpg)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/MarriageMeans4.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/punchinnose.gif)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Dont you just love Confucius......
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/balance.jpg)
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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:
Dave.........................
Dave............
YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!
.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny_pigeonboy.jpg)
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Funny!
More please...
au revoir,
hugs!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ItKeepsMakingThatFunnySound.jpg)
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I remember a woman telling me one time, how she put a couple of pairs of tennis shoes in the washing macine, on the spin cycle, then sat on the washing machine.......
It gave her some kind of "kinky" thrill.... ::) ::)
Ture story......... :laugh: :laugh:
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Wish I could think so quickly. . . .
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from
him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom Company.
These are customer complaints."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/fear.jpg)
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One day a man stranded on a desert island for over ten years,
sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck
gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the
surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a
wet-suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and say to him, "Tell me,
how long has it been since you had a cigarette ?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches
over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one and lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man. Is that good !"
"And how long since you had a sip of bourbon ?"
she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, 10 years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a
long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic !"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper
that runs down the front of her wet-suit, looks at the man
seductively and asks, "And how long since you've played
around ?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus ! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
there too ??"
-
He Thought He was a Cowboy....
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sait sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixiing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down ont eh other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"....
He replied, "I always thought I was, but i just found out I'm a lesbian".
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He Thought He was a Cowboy....
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sait sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixiing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down ont eh other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"....
He replied, "I always thought I was, but i just found out I'm a lesbian".
:laugh: (http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funnypost.gif) :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/aa.jpg)
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Now there is now way in the world, that I am insinuating that this has anything to do with Brokeback Mountain........nothing at alll........ ::) ::)
Its just a very tacky cartoon.....(which photobucket will probably delete)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/sheep-1.jpg)
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Would you call this bloke a dick head?
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/dickhead.jpg)
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Would you call this bloke a dick head?
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/dickhead.jpg)
That's definitely a head that'd look best in a hat ha-ha! ;) :laugh:
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;D Smile! You're on Candid Camera! ;D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Llama.jpg)
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries..'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
-
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIQUID SOAP THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN.......
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Wow, Sue, I didn't see that one coming.
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Wow, Sue, I didn't see that one coming
........being the operative word........ :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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........being the operative word........ :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...
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rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...
THREE ??
-
THREE ??
Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. ;)
With thanks to Mother Goose:
Rub a dub dub,
Three men in a tub,
And who do you think they be?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick maker.
Turn them out, knaves all three!
-
Oh......so we are onto nursery rhymes now are we..........
Humpty Rumpty sat in the tub.
Humpty Rumpty had a hot rub.
All the Quean’s lovers
and all the Quean’s kin
semened poor Rumpty together again.
-
All righty then, I found some:
Adult Nursery Rhymes: Bedtime Poems --For BIG Kids
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
-
Heres one you didnt find.......
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men.....said
What the F***......Its only an egg....
-
And another!
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
-
One more:
Mary had a little lamb,
It walked into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up it's arse,
And turned it's wool to nylon.
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
:laugh: Hilarious! :laugh:
Looooove the nursery rhymes, Sue & Paul! Not sure that Calvin would understand, but Hobbes certainly would. ;) ;D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/calvin.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/joint.jpg)
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Trouble with his joints...... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: 'They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.'
NUMBER 4 : 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.'
NUMBER 3 : 'Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!'
NUMBER 2: 'Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?'
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen'
-
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/drink.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/carpark.jpg)
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer
back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering
call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Cleavage.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Lion.jpg)
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"What Matters Most is How You See Yourself"
Heres the difference in how men and women see themselves......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/differencebetweenmenandwomen-1.jpg)
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FBI Requirements
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Ha-ha, that reminds me of a dinner party I attended many years ago. A woman had been holding forth for some time, berating the assembled company with tales of the vengeance she had wrought on her cheating ex-husband. She finished off with the old cliche, "Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned." To which, quick as a flash, a bitchy, sharp tongued gay guy seated nearby, responded, "There is one thing faaaar worse than a woman scorned, girlfriend, and that's a queen who's been crossed."
-
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/desserts.png)
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(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/ABC%20Movies/Newsweek-bush.jpg)
Funny? or Sad?
In any event, it must be a short article...
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A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy'.
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'it's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert'.
Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things like 'it would be OK'. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa'.
'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert this little bastard's name is Johnny'.
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(http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/oilgun/ABC%20Movies/Newsweek-bush.jpg)
Funny? or Sad?
In any event, it must be a short article...
Speaking as a non-American, viewing American politics with the detached eye of an external observer, I feel compelled to comment on how much GWB has aged over the past eight years. When first elected, he was a handsome young man. Now he's a wrinkled, bent, grey-haired old man. Not really surprising. It must be one of the most stressful jobs on Earth. Though, it didn't appear to age Bill Clinton. ;) ;) ;) ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/number.gif)
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Why parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else t here?'
'Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, The search team just landed a helicopter . '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME .'
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Here is a very funny stand up comedian, talking about his arrival in Australia
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/clown.jpg)
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Here is a very funny stand up comedian, talking about his arrival in Australia
Thanks for posting this Sue :-*
"I'm pretty sure I packed more than this"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
OMG, I'm still laughing :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/x.gif)
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Confucius say, " Before giving consideration to phoning-in, sick, on Monday, make sure your boss is nowhere within earshot!" ::)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/phone.jpg)
Have a happy work week, everyone! :D
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I have just spent nearly 5 hours on this section and I have never laughed so much in all my life.The FBI one with the 2 male and 1 female applicant and the tickle me Elmo made my youngest son laugh so much he was blowing sprite back out through his nose.
Thankyou all for making a very very wet day in Florida go so quickly.!!!
What's more going backwards, (I don't know why) I am not even half way through.
Bettermost really does reach the parts no other site can.I was so absorbed, I missed half the Federer match.
I wil have to not sign in tomorrow, until after Nadal has played !!! That would be nearly as bad as missing a Heath film!!!
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I have just spent nearly 5 hours on this section and I have never laughed so much in all my life.The FBI one with the 2 male and 1 female applicant and the tickle me Elmo made my youngest son laugh so much he was blowing sprite back out through his nose.
Thankyou all for making a very very wet day in Florida go so quickly.!!!
What's more going backwards, (I don't know why) I am not even half way through.
Bettermost really does reach the parts no other site can.I was so absorbed, I missed half the Federer match.
I wil have to not sign in tomorrow, until after Nadal has played !!! That would be nearly as bad as missing a Heath film!!!
I'm so glad you're enjoying the Komedy Klub. It's good to laugh! And therapeutic, too! :D
Feel free to post your own jokes and cartoons here, for us all to enjoy! ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bowl.jpg)
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What every office needs . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/WTF.jpg)
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What every office needs . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/WTF.jpg)
Just what I need Kerry.........This one has nearly run out of ink.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/office-2-2.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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I had an appointment with the tax man today, to have my tax return compiled. Thankfully he's a lot closer than Sanji! :laugh:
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/tax.gif)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/laneclosed.jpg)
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Water ....
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
Need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your mongrel brother won't let me in without a tie!'
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/laneclosed.jpg)
:laugh: Don't know if you saw on the news last Monday, Sue, that all of Sydney was in gridlock for hours because of an accident on the Harbour Bridge? I was caught in that massive traffic jam. It usually takes me about 20min to get to work most mornings. Last Monday, I left home at 7.15am and didn't get to work until just after 9am! :o It was a shocking accident. A garbage truck somehow managed to flip-over on the Bridge at 6am. :( I wasn't laughing at the time, but seeing your funny pic put it all in perspective for me and I finally managed to grin (at least) at last. ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/free.jpg)
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Merci Kerry !
But which one you buy and which you'll get free??
May I laugh... since a lot of old ones are on the market too these days, did you know!!
Au revoir,
hugs!
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/laneclosed.jpg)
My sides hurt from laughing so much at that one.The number of jams I have sat in,where there was no workmen in sight.My frustration would have vanished instantly had I seen that sign.
Every set of roadworks should have one.
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What every office needs . . . . .
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/WTF.jpg)
I want one of those.
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Merci Kerry !
But which one you buy and which you'll get free??
May I laugh... since a lot of old ones are on the market too these days, did you know!!
Au revoir,
hugs!
I hope they offer discount rates!!! ;) :laugh:
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Just what I need Kerry.........This one has nearly run out of ink.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/office-2-2.jpg)
Another essential office stationery item.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/z-office-3.jpg)
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Kerry, your wish for discount rates... makes me laugh !
I am proud of you... adding comedy !
Au revoir,
hugs! Now, I aim like that child in the movie asking for: more please ! So don't bite my head like his schoolmaster?
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly…
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up…
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly…
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up…
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
:laugh: (http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny1.jpg) :laugh:
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/dogkiss.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/beer.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/online.jpg)
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Is that why I never let any dog kiss me?
Funny!
And yes, many persons have 2 asses!! Or should I say are?
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/toon5.jpg)
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Judge to prostitute: 'So, when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
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Judge to prostitute: 'So, when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
Very funny.!! ;D
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Is that why they never accept cheques now-a-days?
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors, Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.......
So they buried Debbie.
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartooncalvin.jpg)
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors, Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.......
So they buried Debbie.
You have cheered up a miserable woman, who is watching the rain lashing down, and wondering yet again, if I will have to brave the elements and drain some water out of the pool.
It is something I prefer not to do with the thunder and lightning bouncing around.
Water, metal handle, lightning, spot what is wrong with that equation.Yet if It rains much more, the water will be lapping round my feet again !!!!
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Glad you enjoy all the funnies on here Fiona.....a bit of a giggle can brighten up the day. Heres a little one I got today.
WARNING.........................
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New York man was
found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man
face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer !!!!!!
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Subject: FW: Texas Midget
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached
almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about
his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants
and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Hmm...' mumbled the doctor,
and as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.
'Aha!' said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors...
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...
then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look,
but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it..
What did you do?'
The doctor replied
'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...
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My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.
I went yesterday. OMG, she's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you....'
****************************************************************
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Sex Change For A Day
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9.
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My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.
I went yesterday. OMG, she's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you....'
****************************************************************
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/icu.jpg)
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Merci Kerry!
I love that Pope pic... with those words!
You made my day happy !
I am still smiling too!!
Au revoir,
hugs!
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/f0b1.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Took me a few seconds to see the funny side of that, until I noticed the strands of hair accross his head. :o
Oh dont you hate that !!!!!!
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S.V.P., more Kerry !
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/fairytalke.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/lazydog-1.jpg)
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<a href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/cartoons/AbbyNbr6fan/i070723ziggy.png?o=8" target="_blank">(http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm224/AbbyNbr6fan/i070723ziggy.png)[/url]
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks "whats in the bag"?
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Motzart.
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Here, rub it".
So the brtender rubs the lamp and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish....just one".
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks".
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck,, then another soon follows it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming.
The bartender turnes to the man and says "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
"Tell me about it" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
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Senior Driver
By GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/honk.gif)
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red l ight at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/honk2.gif)
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/honk3.gif)
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man fromFlorida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone fromHawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/frogslegs.jpg)
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The following poster was introduced around 1919
(Just before Alcohol prohibition started)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/alcohol.gif)
It's no wonder that MEN kept drinking!!!!!!
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Glad you enjoy all the funnies on here Fiona.....a bit of a giggle can brighten up the day. Heres a little one I got today.
WARNING.........................
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New York man was
found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man
face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer !!!!!!
That is so bad I can't believe Iam laughing. It sounds like a 2 Ronnies joke.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Took me a few seconds to see the funny side of that, until I noticed the strands of hair accross his head. :o
Oh dont you hate that !!!!!!
Comb overs!!!!
whoever looks at themselves in the mirror and thinks,yep that's definitley the look for me.They'll be swarming round me like bees round a honey pot.
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The following poster was introduced around 1919
(Just before Alcohol prohibition started)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/alcohol.gif)
It's no wonder that MEN kept drinking!!!!!!
I suspect several may be men in drag. :o ;) :D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/herpes.jpg)
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A Wild Horse Ride
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoon1.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0113.jpg)
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0114.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
For an Aussie you create great political jokes Kerry.....
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/deaddog.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
For an Aussie you create great political jokes Kerry.....
Cheers, Sue! :D
I try to keep my ear to the ground.
Did you see "Insight" on SBS last night? Jenny Brockie et al traveled to NY to discussed the election with a broad spectrum of players from Republican and Democrat big-wigs to representatives of average mum and dad voters from across middle America. Excellent program. There'll be another next Tuesday night. Recommended.
And the debate between Obama & McCain will be televised on ABC2 at 11 o'clock next Saturday morning, Sydney time.
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AMAZING HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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ITALIAN WOMEN
are TOUGH!
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"F**K off!" she said.
"Those are for the funeral."
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A mother and her young son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney. The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks. She smiled and asked, 'Did your mum tell you to ask me?' The boy answered 'Yes, she did'. 'Well then, you go and tell your mum that there are no baby airplanes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Have your mum explain that to you.
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it', he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.
'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help'.
'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. ‘Did you see the ball’?
'Of course I did !', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.
'Where did it go?', asks Arthur.
'I don't remember'
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
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Hey, Kerry,
A little bird told me you are a big fan of Vladimir Putin. Here is a recent shot of him rearing his head over Alaska, according to Sarah Palin.
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Hey, Kerry,
A little bird told me you are a big fan of Vladimir Putin. Here is a recent shot of him rearing his head over Alaska, according to Sarah Palin.
I liked Vladimir a couple of years ago, Louise, when he was being very huggy-kissy pro-West. :D He seems to have turned into a tyrant since then and I found the Time magazine Man of the Year cover article last year quite chilling in places. :o He didn't come across as a very nice person in that article. :( However, having said that, and to be brutally honest with you (just between us ;) - promise you won't tell), I still wouldn't say "No!" if he wanted to put his slippers under my bed! :-* :-*
P.S., Geography was never my forte, but didn't Russia once own Alaska? ???
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns & toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
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Will I Be 80
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.
'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a shit?
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Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10
glorious years. After awhile when she didn't return, he went looking and
found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady
eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to
find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love!
I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and
flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again, the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want
to spoon! I am a LOON, I want
to spoon!'. So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the
duck would say was....
No, the duck didn't say THAT !!
Don't be SO disgusting!!!
The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, you've made a MISTAKE !
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Captured by terroists
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is
Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey,
Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10
Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set
them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
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SOMEONE PUT SUPERGLUE UNDER HIS FLIP FLOPS !!!!!
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.
What that tell you? asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Tonto?
You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent.
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The Physichiatrist treated George and finally solved the problem.
You've got a split personality, you are really two people struggling for suppremacy of yourself.
He then handed George a bill for $100.....George produced a $50 note.
Theres MY half,why should I pay for the other bloke's problems.
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You and all who contribute here cheer up my day so much, and considering the morning I have had, that is no mean feat I can tell you !!!!
Keep up all the good work, because it's this blog or double the Valium !!!!
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Thanks Fiona.....its good to know we are cheering you up.
I get a lot of emails every day, and usually there are some funnies in them, and when I have a good giggle I feel good, then usually paste a couple of them on here hoping they will make someone else have a laugh too.
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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant,
and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''
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Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
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OH, pleeeeeease Fiona......dont show the kids this one.......
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
>
> AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE!
>
>
>
> I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>
> DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
>
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
>
>
>
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
>
> BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
>
>
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
>
>
>
> THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
>
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
>
>
>
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
>
>
>
> "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
>
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
>
>
> HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959 . WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
>
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
>
> THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT
>
> SON-OF-A-GUN ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
>
>
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It's funny, I thought I had posted this already.. ???
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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
“Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like crap.'
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I don't get that Hilter one! Do you?
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I don't get that Hilter one! Do you?
I didn't want to say anything.....But NO, I dont get it either.......
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Maybe Hilter therein should be changed to Mohammed?
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I don't get that Hilter one! Do you?
I don't get it either. :-\
Can someone kindly explain it? ???
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank - totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great...
Some asshole's got my pen!'
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Katie, any pic of this?
It's so funny!
I am copying it and sending it to friends OK ?
Au revoir,
hugs!
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ummmm. But what's with the bunger in his pocket ???
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ummmm. But what's with the bunger in his pocket ???
Gee you are observant Rob...........I never noticed that.
Yeah.....now I'mwondering .........reminds me of that saying Mae West said....."Is that a bunger gun in your pocket?"
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A girl was telling her friend at work about her date, the night before.
'... but when he kissed me goodnight at the front door, I felt something very hard in his pocket.
Do you think he could be a secret drinker?'
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That bunger's already been lit, so he'd better decide what to do with it quick smart! :o
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TOO LATE !!!!
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TOO LATE !!!!
:laugh:
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It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
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Well, very interesting Kerry.......
I will be sure to bring that up in conversation with some of my friends.....they will think I am very clever knowing that......
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Well, very interesting Kerry.......
I will be sure to bring that up in conversation with some of my friends.....they will think I am very clever knowing that......
Interesting for both of us, Sue, seeing we both have sailors in our families. It was emailed to me by a friend this morning. I have no way of knowing if it's true or not.
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Interesting for both of us, Sue, seeing we both have sailors in our families. It was emailed to me by a friend this morning. I have no way of knowing if it's true or not.
Sounds pretty feasible to me........I will ask hubby if he has ever heard that story.
While we are on the subject of naval history, I received this email a few weeks ago, from an old sailor, which is very interesting too....
LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY..BUT FASCINATING..!
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.
She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers!).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log.......'On
July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full
complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,
7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons
of rum.' Her mission: 'To destroy and harass English shipping.'
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and
68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She
provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese
wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England, In the ensuing days she
defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English
merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless,
although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in
Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and
transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then
she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with
no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey,
and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY!!!
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Katie, and only rum was left?
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Katie, and only rum was left?
Read it again Artiste......for all the rum, and other alcohol that was taken on board, there was NONE left, but there was still plenty of water left.....
......so we know what they were drinking all the time......and it was not H2O....
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Merci katie !
Guess that they were drunk all those times!
I wonder if they became healthier, than drinking that water?
Or is booze safer?
Booze sure rock that boat! Wondering if a movie was made of that ?
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Interesting for both of us, Sue, seeing we both have sailors in our families. It was emailed to me by a friend this morning. I have no way of knowing if it's true or not.
I hope it is because I am going to entertain my kids with it tonight.
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I hope it is because I am going to entertain my kids with it tonight.
Well, I decided to inform my hubby of my new found information about "Brass monkeys"......I did not have the text in front of me, so I was telling him from memory, and was fumbling my way through it, remembering something I should have said earlier, like the important part that they called the bloody things "monkeys".....so added that in to make sure he got that point......I kept looking at him to see if he was listening, and he seemed to be, although he was not making any comment......and it took me twice as long to explain the story as Kerry did....and finally I got to the part of "and thats why they say, freeze the balls off a brass monkey".......and waited for his comments.
He rolled his head towards me, and with blank face said......."Well, thats the most important piiece of information I have heard all year"......
Oh.....I couldn't leave it at that.....so I said......"But YOU didn't know that did you?....you really did not know that is how that saying came about did you?......isnt it amazing the infromation I can learn from my freinds on Bettrmost.......isn't it......isn't it....."
To shut me up, he said "Yes, it is bloody amazing"........and he rolled his eyes.....just like this... ::) ::) ::)
But......I bet one day, I just bet, that one day, I will hear him repeat that story to someone......I just know he will....
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This is more interesting than funny, but amusing in places . . . . .
1908
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1908. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the year 1908 :
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home .
Ninety percent of all doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhoea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea had not yet been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A.
I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!!!!!
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That sure does stagger the mind Kerry.......
I have often wondered what it will be like in 100yrs time.......what has not been invented yet, that people will have to have, because they cannot live without it.....
Its pretty scarey.
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I collect some of those ledgers where a farmer paid so much for a cow, a bull, a pig, etc., and find that fun to review those past times, like you show !
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Well, I decided to inform my hubby of my new found information about "Brass monkeys"......I did not have the text in front of me, so I was telling him from memory, and was fumbling my way through it, remembering something I should have said earlier, like the important part that they called the bloody things "monkeys".....so added that in to make sure he got that point......I kept looking at him to see if he was listening, and he seemed to be, although he was not making any comment......and it took me twice as long to explain the story as Kerry did....and finally I got to the part of "and thats why they say, freeze the balls off a brass monkey".......and waited for his comments.
He rolled his head towards me, and with blank face said......."Well, thats the most important piiece of information I have heard all year"......
Oh.....I couldn't leave it at that.....so I said......"But YOU didn't know that did you?....you really did not know that is how that saying came about did you?......isnt it amazing the infromation I can learn from my freinds on Bettrmost.......isn't it......isn't it....."
To shut me up, he said "Yes, it is bloody amazing"........and he rolled his eyes.....just like this... ::) ::) ::)
But......I bet one day, I just bet, that one day, I will hear him repeat that story to someone......I just know he will....
You'd better check Wikipedia, Sue. (Google 'brass monkey'), before Bob does.
The cannonball theory is discounted as having no basis.
The most common belief seems to be that the saying originated with brass monkey statuettes.
A lot of these apparently wonderful revelations are spam hoaxes to gather email addresses when people send them on to their friends.
There was a news item yesterday that the authorities have caught a ring doing this, who have collected millions of dollars from people wanting cheap Viagra.
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Hey.....Ive told the story now, so I'm sticking to it...... ::)
Half price Viagra....???......Does that mean it only half works...????......
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A trainee nurse was doing the rounds with the sister in charge, holding the tray of meds.
As they went around the ward for old men, the sister gave each a sleeping pill, and a Viagra.
'Sister, I can understand why you give them sleeping pills', said the trainee nurse, 'but why do you give them Viagra?'
Sister replied, 'Stops em rolling out of bed in the night.'
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Oh Ive got a funny here somewhere about that........hold on...while I find it.......
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Are you lucky to post a big one?
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Kerry, that's truly laugh-out-loud! Thanks.
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How many of us clicked "NO"........?
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HERES A FEW BIBLICAL ONES.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/biblical1.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/biblical2.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/biblical3.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/knockitallmy2py6.jpg)
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Funny you two... added !!
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Click here http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,29024.0.html for background to this cartoon.
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0125.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0126.jpg)
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Quotable Puns:
* To err is human, to moo bovine.
* If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
* Banning the bra was a big flop.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Thank you.
:)
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* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Someone should tell Ennis ;).
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
:laugh:
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
No, but I start to drool ;D
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:laugh: My favourite is A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0127.jpg)
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*My neighbor discovered her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian.*
*He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears
and the dog could hear fine. *
*The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from re-occurring she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.*
*The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. *
*At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."*
*The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." *
*The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days." *
*The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."*
*The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."*
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0128.jpg)
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:D Helloo-oo! :D
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/kitty.gif)
:-* Kissy-kissy! :-*
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0129.jpg)
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''OK' the nun says.
'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
'I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
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The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Sorry_George.jpg)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Sorry_George.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0130.jpg)
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Husband Wanted:
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
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Did you hear about the Latin Professor who called into a bar for a drink?
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.
"A martinus," said the professor.
"Don't you mean martini?" asked the bartender.
"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."
Boom-boom!
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I'm no Latin scholar, but I love your new avatar, Kerry.
"Pone ubi sol non lucet."
Put it where the sun don't shine. :laugh:
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I'm no Latin scholar, but I love your new avatar, Kerry.
"Pone ubi sol non lucet."
Put it where the sun don't shine. :laugh:
Haha - the "sol non lucet" is a bit of a giveaway! I've changed it to "Pulvis et umbra sumus" ("We are dust and shadow") because I was afraid "Pone ubi sol non lucet" may be thought somewhat rude. Maybe I should change it back. The Horace is maybe a little too heavy.
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Parrot is Dead
-----At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Tailor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!
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From David Letterman . . . . .
Top 10 Signs You Are a Gay Cowboy
10. Your saddle is Versace.
9. Instead of Home on the Range, you sing It's Raining Men.
8. You enjoy ridin', ropin' and redecoratin'.
7. Sold your livestock to buy tickets to Mamma Mia!
6. After watching reruns of Gunsmoke, you have to take a cold shower.
5. Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men.
4. You've been lassoed more times than most steers.
3. You're wearing chaps, yet your "ranch" is in Chelsea.
2. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon.
1. You love riding, but you don't have a horse.
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From Nathan Lane . . . . .
Sample lyrics from the spoof Brokeback: The Musical, by Nathan Lane on Late Night with David Letterman:
(To the tune of Oklahoma!)
Lane: "Broooooookeback Mountain
Where those jolly ranchers disappeared
In the tent to sleep, after driving sheep
When the fire went out, then things got weird."
(To the tune of You're the Top)
Gay Cowboy No. 1: "You're the top ..."
Lane: "You're the chaw that I chew ..."
Gay Cowboy No. 2: "You're the top ..."
Lane: "I wish I could quit you.
"You're a rodeo queen, in denim jeans and shirt.
"You're an Indian chief, you're John Wayne's briefs.
"You're such a flirt."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Love em Kerry..........
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Note to self - visit here more often. Laughter may not cure all woes but it sure goes a heck of a long way.
I sometimes forget I can laugh as well as frown !!!
Thanks to all contributors,you made took some of the weight from my shoulders, for a few precious moments. Man it feels good to really laugh.
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I'm glad we've managed to take your mind of your woes for a while, Fiona. I do so very much hope that everything turns out okay for you and your family. :)
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But where is the fun in this last drawing ?
The dog pic is funny !
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But where is the fun in this last drawing ?
The dog pic is funny !
By the "dog pic," I'm guessing you are referring to the cartoon depicting the dog urinating on the child in the fire hydrant Halloween costume?
Overt toilet humour will always find a ready, universal audience and generate an instant laugh-out-loud reaction.
However, in my personal view, it should not always be the intention of subtle, satirical, political cartoons to produce such a slapstick result; even though, certainly, a lot of them do just that. It was never my intention for the Uncle Sam cartoon to be "funny" per se; but I do sincerely hope that, in its own humble way, it may make you pause for a moment during the course of your busy day and consider the magnitude of what's happening in America today.
Many thanks for your thought-provoking feedback. :)
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0134.jpg)
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Noted is the Ennis-Jack on that left T-shirt !
Any such gay team your way - pic of to show ?
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Noted is the Ennis-Jack on that left T-shirt !
Any such gay team your way - pic of to show ?
The Convicts . . . . . .
(Might be necessary to scroll over ---> to see full pic)
(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/convicts.jpg)
Click here for full story . . . . .
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,21545.0.html
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/nodogs.jpg)
Baaaad dog!
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You made my day with that dog pic holding anti-dog sign ! May I copy that ?
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You made my day with that dog pic holding anti-dog sign ! May I copy that ?
Go right ahead. That's what I did! ;) ;D
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/11_cowboy_cartoon.jpg)
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Funny ? And yet is this Brokeback Mountain, the movie ?
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/32_NYer.jpg)
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That tells me that we need some other Ennises's and Jack's in our gay strories and movies !!
May I suggest !
Your cartoon is interesting !
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/tipoff.jpg)
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Boy, I sure love that one !
You made my day Kerry !
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(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/onemorebeer.jpg)
"Just one more beer and then I'll go on my diet. I promise!"
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That beer one is funny, but sad !!
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It was Maria's wedding night.
She had remained a virgin and married the man her parent's chose for her.
Now Maria and her new husband were living in Maria's parent's home, while they saved for a deposit on a home of their own.
Maria's Mama knew her daughter had never before seen a naked man, let alone have sex with one, so she gave her a little Mother/Daughter chat, before sending her upstairs, where her husband awaited.
The "chat" comprised of seven words, "Go upstairs, Maria, and do your duty."
So Maria trudged upstairs, and just as she opened the door to the bedroom, her husband was undressing and undoing the buttons on his shirt.
In fright, Maria fled downstairs to Mama.
"Mama! Mama!" Maria exclaimed, "He's got a big-a hairy chest."
To which Mama responded, "Go upstairs, Maria, and do your duty."
So Maria went upstairs again and this time, as she entered the bedroom, she saw that her bridegroom had his back to the door and was bending over as he slipped down his trousers
Again Maria fled downstairs.
"Mama! Mama!" she exclaimed, "He's got a big-a hairy ass."
"Go upstairs, Maria, and do your duty," said Mama.
This time, as Maria entered the bedroom, her new husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, removing his shoes and socks.
Much to Maria's shock and horror, she saw that her husband's left foot was a club foot.
Again she fled down to her mother exclaiming, "Mama! Mama! He's got a foot and a half!
To which Mama responded, "Stand aside, Maria, this is a job for Mama!"
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Dispute Between Neighbors (a true story)
A city councilman in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home. The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.
When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/neighbour1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/neighbour2.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/neighbour3.jpg)
Poor ole Mark. At least he can still see the mountains. :laugh:
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Kerry, that is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
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Funny in a way, but also offensive and that new so-called neighbour should be charged ! Should he not?
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Kerry, that is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
Glad it brought a smile to your dial, Paul (Another Aussie expression to quote in future?) :D
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What is he looking at, as are his eyes going only to the page ?
Since sex, is more important to him than putting criminals in jail (who stole banks) which he will not do, obviously ? !
Cartoons sure tell a lot !
More please !
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What bells in that excrement ? Bells ?
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Wher do you get your honey, honey ?
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Pity you don't have any of japan cars robbing the uSA economy ?
More please !
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/time-11.jpg)
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You got some on the arabs billionaires stealing USA ?
More please ?
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Decisions, decisions, decisions . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Hank.jpg)
. . . . . decisions, decisions.
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I love that Holloween turkey one !
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Ooops, and that derriere is great ! Long time no see... so many choices !
Galore, may gays be free !
[/b]
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Karma explained . . . . .
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A Christmas Story... When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as
fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy
bag fell to the ground and all the thousands of toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider
and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,
and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it
open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I
have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree….
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Funny Fotos! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/aladdin.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/angel.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ding.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/fizzy.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/horny.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ponygirl.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/reading-1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/sundown.jpg)
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Back in 1929 Financial Crash it was said that some Wall Street Stockbrokers and Bankers JUMPED from their office windows and committed suicide when confronted with the news of their firms and clients financial ruin . . . Many people were said to almost feel a little sorry for them . . . . . .
In 2008 the attitude has changed somewhat:
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/jump.jpg)
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Humph, I always suspected . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/empty.gif)
:'( :'( :'(
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Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.
- The Silent generation, people born before 1947.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1947 and 1964.
- Generation X, people born between 1965 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .
Why do we call the last one Generation Y?
(http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j43/Davidindy/ATT00037.jpg)
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Oh god, and dont you hate that. These youngens today, wear trousers five times too big, falling down around their knees. It cant be comfortable, and it looks bloody awful.....
I remember the first time I saw a young bloke, with jeans hanging down under his arse, and I actually felt sorry for him, thinking he must have been given the clothes by some charity and even though they were too big, he still had nothing else to wear.
It wasn't long before I saw that it was the latest fashion. ::) ::) ::) ::)...Dont they ever look in the mirror.....
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Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.
- The Silent generation, people born before 1947.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1947 and 1964.
- Generation X, people born between 1965 and 1979.
- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .
Why do we call the last one Generation Y?
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new
wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
SMALLCOX
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I am still laughing at those bar stools !
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/clinton2.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/clinton.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/fishstress.jpg)
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her; wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/tv.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/golf.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/beerboi.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoons_05-1.jpg)
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Good last 2s !!
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ok here is one. Hope it hasn't been posted already
The first two astronauts (one man one woman) arrived on Mars to discover there are Martians everywhere! They looked like people so the astronauts decided they should have sex with them (purely for research purposes of course). The man astronaut went off to the local bar to buy a Martian woman a drink..the female astronaut just walked up to the first man she saw and said let's go have sex and took him back to the ship.
When the Martian undressed, he must have seen the disappointment on her face and said "Not enough for you?" and twisted his right ear..immediately his organ lengthened...she still didn't seem satisfied so he twisted his LEFT ear and added some girth...they had a wonderful night.
The next morning the male astronaut returned to the ship and she asked him how HIS night went...he said "Fine but she like to have twisted my ears off!"
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny000.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/cartoons_04-1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas15.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/christmas12.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ChristmasTreeCat.jpg)
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What does the pope want to say when he waves like this, with his hand inwards?
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/RCCpopebenedictXVIsigaelbaile.jpg)
Wait for it and scroll .....
He wants to say this, but
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/Stinkefinger.jpg)
he says it in five languages!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/wisemen.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas223.jpg)
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The Shoe Heard Around the World
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot4.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot2.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot3.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot5.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot6.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot7.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot8.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/boot9.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas18.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny-fruitcake.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That fruitcake should have GWB for a face........ :P
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/santassexualharasmentcase-1.jpg)
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Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over... Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
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The Twelve Days Of Christmas
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a pear tree? How can I ever express my pleasure? Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtledoves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
Always and forever,
Agnes
Darling John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Fondly,
Agnes
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Forever yours,
Agnes
John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? PLEASE don't send anymore birds; the neighbors are complaining and the squawking is really giving me a headache, so enough with the birds OK? Please stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
O.K. Buster:
What's with you and those freakin’ birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Just lay off me smart ass.
Agnes
For Fucks Sake:
I have had it! What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? I guess you think you're a wit sending eight maids a milking. Well you're half right. Did you realize that the eight maids would have eight friggin’ COWS, along with them? The whole house and yard smells like a god-damned barnyard. I feel like screaming, but nobody would hear me over this racket. The neighbors have reported me to the health department. Go take a flying leap you stinking idiot.
Agnes
You Rotten Prick:
Now there are nine ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. What kind of two-bit all night strip club did you find them in? They are up all night long drinking, dancing and only god knows what else. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a RIVER OF SHIT!! The Board of Health has subpoenaed me to appear before them and show cause why my house should not be condemned as an environmental health hazard. Thanks a lot you fucking jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE YOUR GUTS FOREVER,
Agnes
Listen Dickhead:
What kind of sick sadist are you? What’s with the 10 lords-a-leaping?? And leaping is definitely what they're doing...all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will NEVER walk again. I am up to my ass in bird and cow shit, and do you have any idea how much these deadbeat "lords" eat? I'll have to file for bankruptcy, thanks to you, you rotten bastard. I despise the ground you walk on, and if I ever see you again, you're one dead sonofabitch!!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
Agnes
Hey Shithead:
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN NOW!!!!! Well this is it. Now there are eleven pipers playing. And shit, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. Those horny pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy on the poor cows. All 23 birds are dead, trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, lousy, moth-eaten, pig-porkin’ moron. You are a vicious swine.... What am I going to do? .
YOU'LL GET YOURS!
Agnes
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. She was found beating her head against a wall in her home to the beat of the twelve drums. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms. McHolstein at her new residence, the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the staff have been instructed to take whatever measures are necessary to insure her security, up to and including shooting you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a copy of the restraining order issued against you.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funny-pic-christmas-9th-christmas-r.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/wisevirgins.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CH_croquet.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-100.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-105.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-flat.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-103.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-102.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-wars.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas7.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas12.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-104.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/xmas-elvis.gif)
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In the tradition of Kelda's "Who are these guys?" thread, here's another variation . . . . .
Who are these gals?
Can you guess who these two gorgeous, sexy women are?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Drag1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Drag2.jpg)
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President William Jefferson Clinton, & George W. Bush II They actually look kinda better that way. :)
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President William Jefferson Clinton, & George W. Bush II They actually look kinda better that way. :)
Haha, I think so too, Janice! :laugh:
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Time magazine's top 10 editorial cartoons for 2008 . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/10-TheNewPresidentsTo-DoList-ChrisJ.jpg)
10. "The New President's To-Do List" - Chris Jurek
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/9-SuperTuesdayShuffle-Rogers-Pittsb.jpg)
9. "Super Tuesday Shuffle" - Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/8-TheRocketsReaction-WaltHandelsman.jpg)
8. "The Rocket's Reaction" - Walt Handelsman, Newsday
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/7-OilPricinginOz-GaryVarvel-Indiana.jpg)
7. "Oil Pricing in Oz" - Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/6-ThawingouttheColdWar-Heng-LianheZ.jpg)
6. "Thawing out the Cold War" - Heng Lianhe Zaobao
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/5-ShedoasabetterPalinthanPalin-Beel.jpg)
5. "She does a better Palin than Palin" - Beeler, Washington Examiner
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/4-AHighStickinHockeyMom-Matson-NewY.jpg)
4. "A High Stickin' Hockey Mom" - Matson, New York Observer
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/3-DailyAffirmation-Bok-AkronBeaconJ.jpg)
3. "Daily Affirmation" - Bok Akron Beacon Journal
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/2-DantesTerminal-GorrellArt.jpg)
2. "Dante's Terminal" - Gorrell Art
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-Pleasetakecareofmybailout-GaryVar.jpg)
1. "Please take care of my bailout" - Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star
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Took advice from a bettermost veteran, and had a quick stroll down here.As usual was convulsed with teenage giggles.Result, instant cure for the blues !!!
This site really should be available on prescription,NHS of course so free for all.Thanks for cheering up a glum faced woman of a certain age.
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Took advice from a bettermost veteran, and had a quick stroll down here.As usual was convulsed with teenage giggles.Result, instant cure for the blues !!!
This site really should be available on prescription,NHS of course so free for all.Thanks for cheering up a glum faced woman of a certain age.
Here's another good laugh-out-loud thread, Fiona:
http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,31313.0/all.html
I should warn you to have kleenex ready, though. I visited there the other night and found myself laughing so hard, the tears were running down my cheeks. :D
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Funny signs . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/zeropercent.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/traffic.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/penguins.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/nobirds.jpg)
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More funny signs . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/open.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/whorehouse.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/smoke.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/keepoffgrass2.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/gas.jpg)
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Yet more funny signs . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Death.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/help.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/shitsale.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/drivethru3.jpg)
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Yep, you guessed it, even more funny signs . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/river.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/dog.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/church.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Water.jpg)
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Love your funny signs section Kerry. I have a few to add:
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/7160-18story.jpg)
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/s98.jpg)
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Hunh?
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/y1pT9vRWpZV_irArbkc_Z_WfXnreQfkT9rd.jpg)
O-kaaay
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/Sonstige/y1pT9vRWpZV_iqu6X8_9zEkPU2ajAmIM7LV.jpg)
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Love your funny signs section Kerry. I have a few to add:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Heres an Aussie poem I got emailed today......Hope our overseas friends can decipher the Aussie slang....
A Bloody Great Aussie Poem, Mate.
?
Aussie Poem
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
?
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'
?
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bloody bitch!'
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
?
?
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/014.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/2009.jpg)
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/readings.jpg)
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As always folks, thanks for a good old chuckle. I really do have to come here daily, it is better than any medicine.My sons bothed laughed themselves stupid at the signs and monkey joke. So did I, gutter humour I suspesct, shame on me.
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Not many to go now . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/sign6.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/sign7.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/sign8.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/sign9.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/sign10.jpg)
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I love the Aussie stand-up comic, Carl Barron:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CarlBarron3.jpg)
Apart from being cute as a little button, his observational brand of humour about the experiences of everyday life, is hilarious.
Click on this link to see Carl at the 2004 Montreal Comedy Festival (Warning – coarse language):
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wooAsMxJGy0[/youtube]
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Here's Carl again. This time at the 2006 Montreal Comedy Festival:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a39fS-82HE[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/drunkhorseman2.jpg)
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My niece sent this to me today and I thought it was cute...
Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. -Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. - Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Jacob, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. - Sarah, 7
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This is like so many experiences on an airplane........... I had one myself of a sort. They gave my coat out of the overhead to
someone that had been deplaned because of issues. Never got any compensation or my coat back.... :-\
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dhkm6sgPdtk&feature=related[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/drunkhorseman2.jpg)
For driving a HORSE?!! They must be joking!
That sounds like one of those weird Indiana laws. :P
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My niece sent this to me today and I thought it was cute...
Aww, that sure is cute, David. :)
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This is like so many experiences on an airplane........... I had one myself of a sort. They gave my coat out of the overhead to
someone that had been deplaned because of issues. Never got any compensation or my coat back.... :-\
That's terrible, Janice. Did you not have insurance cover?
-
Last of the signs for now . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign2.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign3.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign4.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign5.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign2.jpg)
Hey Kerry, this one ispired me to a BBM photocaption. It's here: http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,3836.msg464289.html#msg464289 (http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php/topic,3836.msg464289.html#msg464289)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign5.jpg)[/center]
OMG. LOOOOOVE this one. :laugh:
-
That's terrible, Janice. Did you not have insurance cover?
Nope, no insurance.... just a gigantic run around :P
I was never able to replace it. It was a hooded, leather trimmed, pea coat, with wooden toggle buttons...I loved that coat.
Never could find anything close to it.
-
Carl Barron's "Whatever Comes Next - Part 1"
(Caution - Coarse Language)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Carl1.jpg)
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpoemPBUilg[/youtube]
-
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work..
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.
'I would like it INFREQUENTLY,' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and
leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?
-
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
-
Some of the pop artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---
Denture Queen.
T ony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
-
Some of the pop artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
:laugh:
-
THE ITALIAN ELBOW
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her
grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
'You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am
inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the
front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will
buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the
right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you
get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my
doorbell.'
'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting
all these buttons with my elbow?
'What . . .You coming empty handed?'
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/calvin5.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/calvin2.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/calvin4.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/2008shoe.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/houseforsale.jpg)
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.......
"No woman will ever be truly satisfied, because no man will ever have a
chocolate penis,that ejaculates money
-
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the ey es and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
-
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'an inch of dust!!'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a set of scales.
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that
long?'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with
what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as
much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3
o'clock
in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered,
jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take
care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something
more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one
day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the
house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her
a
toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as
well
sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started...
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/calvin3.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/calvin6.gif)
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I laughed out loud Kerry on a lot of those, but the one about the lawn mower absolutely cracked me
up...loved that..lol :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/calvin1.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/hellowoof.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/garfield.gif)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/garfieldwoo.gif)
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I am typing these, so please forgive any typos. I hope none of them are repeats...
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Well done David......
-
One day Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Thanks" said the farmer and headed off towards home.
While walking, he met a fair young lady with a rather large beautiful super-structure. She told him she was lost and asked "Can you tell me how to get to the nearest highway?" The farmer replied: "I'm going to visit my brother near there. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We will save time in getting there."
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"
The young lady said "Set the goose down, put the bucket over near the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
-
Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and the system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out wit a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy to your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, then quickly turn the bugger off and be sure to tell your MOM!
-
THIS JUST IN...
Many of you will be happy to hear about this NEW wine for the elderly.
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine, of course as Pinot More.
-
I am typing these, so please forgive any typos. I hope none of them are repeats...
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
:laugh: Sounds like some nuns I've known. :laugh:
-
Keep em comin David........... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/cleaninglist.jpg)
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Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my backside
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work..
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>
Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.
-
Male or Female?
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
-
Okay all you nice ladies out there, don't shoot me for posting this okay? My niece sent me this..... read it again.... MY NIECE sent me this.....
So here we go.....
New Law:
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota ..
.......Scroll Down..........
............Scroll Down..................
...................Scroll Down..................
(http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j43/Davidindy/Misc/ATT347249.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/whoa.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sign-01.jpg)
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OLD FLAME
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still
around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic
times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't be lieve it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I
said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total
lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed
and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men
were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds
myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
This Sunday is the American Football Superbowl. Apparently, it's very big here.
Someone sent me this:
SUPERBOWL
>
> A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he
> noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the
> other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
>
> "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would
> have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
> the world, and not use it?"
>
> The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
> supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
> first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
> 1967."
>
> "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
> someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
> seat?"
>
> The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral.. "
-
Subject: : Management lessons
> Lesson One:
>
>
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit
> saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit on my ass like you and do
> nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on
> the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
> appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
>
>
> Management Lesson:
>
>
>
> To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high > up.
>
>
>
> ______________________________________________________________
>
> Lesson Two:
>
>
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
> to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
> energy.'
>
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?' Replied
> the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
> after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
> Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>
>
>
> Management Lesson:
>
>
>
> Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/VLAD.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/why-so-serious-cats-funny-batman.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/bigbird.gif)
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Look into my eyes . . . look into my eyes . . .
You are getting sleepy . . . sleepy . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/op.gif)
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SOMETHING EVERYBODY HAS THOUGHT OF AT LEAST ONCE......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/compteroutwindow.jpg)
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SOMETHING EVERYBODY HAS THOUGHT OF AT LEAST ONCE......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/compteroutwindow.jpg)
Oh, ain't that the truth. :(
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Dear Kerry and Sue,
Just a little note to thank you both for this thread.
I love starting my day with a visit here and a good laugh.
Laughs are second only to hugs.
Hugs to you both!
Paul
-
Thank you Paul....its nice to know we are giving some cheer and laughter out there.
-
Dear Kerry and Sue,
Just a little note to thank you both for this thread.
I love starting my day with a visit here and a good laugh.
Laughs are second only to hugs.
Hugs to you both!
Paul
:-* {{{ Paul }}} :-*
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/cows.jpg)
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Thank you Paul....its nice to know we are giving some cheer and laughter out there.
You two definitely do. I check here daily.
Thank you Kerry and Sue :-*
Keep 'em coming!
-
Thanks Chrissi, its great to know someone is reading all this
crap great thread....:laugh: :laugh:
40 Short Lawyer Jokes
Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.
Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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This is funny, have a look at Bill trying to give Hllary a smooch.....
URL=http://s220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/?action=view¤t=smooch.gif](http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/th_smooch.gif)[/URL]
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You two definitely do. I check here daily.
Thank you Kerry and Sue :-*
Keep 'em coming!
Chrissi . . .
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On their way to get married a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found them-
selves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven ?
When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter says,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go and find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed;
the couple was still waiting As they waited, they discussed that
IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work ?" they
wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER ?"
After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you
CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "But we were jusy wondering, what
if things don't work out ?" Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven ?"
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto
the ground.
"What's wrong ?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON," St Peter shouts, "It took me 3 months
to find a priest up here ! Do you have ANY idea how long
it's going to take me to find a LAWYER ?"
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ALWAYS THERE...........
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck
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Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
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Two female friends had gone out for a girls' night out, and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin her's, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck on her behind that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'
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I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way
right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too
healthy, you spend several years enjoying your
retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your
first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day
until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to college: play sports, date,
drink, and party.
After that you're at high school, become very popular because
you are so mature, are an excellent athlete after your experience
in college, and the first love is not your first, so you know how
to handle yourself.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no
responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone
runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully
in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating,
room service on tap.
Until finally ...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case....
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BECAUSE ITS VALENTINES DAY...A COUPLE OF ROMANTIC POEMS FOR YOU
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MANS POEM.
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End
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Yikes, it's true, pets really do look like their owners! Or should that be owners look like their pets? :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/owner1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/owner2.jpg)
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FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN UP THERE WITHOUT ONE.....
NEW STOCK HAS JUST ARRIVED...........
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For what it's worth, that's the Massachusetts State Capitol here in Boston--designed by Charles Bullfinch in 1798, and the dome copper-leafed by Paul Revere in 1802 (now gold-leafed).
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For what it's worth, that's the Massachusetts State Capitol here in Boston--designed by Charles Bullfinch in 1798, and the dome copper-leafed by Paul Revere in 1802 (now gold-leafed).
Paul Revere? :o Wow, how romantic that sounds to my fanciful antipodean imagination! :D
(Oh, hold on, I think I'm getting confused with Paul Revere and the Raiders, the 1960s pop group! I was totally in lurve with the lead singer, way back when.) ;) :laugh:
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Paul Revere? :o Wow, how romantic that sounds to my fanciful antipodean imagination! :D
(Oh, hold on, I think I'm getting confused with Paul Revere and the Raiders, the 1960s pop group! I was totally in lurve with the lead singer, way back when.) ;) :laugh:
(http://i2.iofferphoto.com/img/item/439/989/71/raidwers.jpg)(http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/40/84840-004-9B84D0DD.jpg)
Take your pick!
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I promise to never again complain about my job. :P
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I promise to never again complain about my job. :P
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No, this can't be true. Please tell me that the person is leaning behind the elephant's behind, and it's only the angle that makes it look like this. Or please tell me it's a photo manip.
Yuck! :P
:laugh:
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Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners, and says to the person workng there,
"I'd like to have this stain removed from my shirt"
But the guy working there is hard of hearing and says...."COME AGAIN"
And she says...."No, this time it's ice cream"
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HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
There are some things that the brain cannot handle. You have to try this - only takes a couple seconds. I could not believe it!!!
It is from an orthopedic surgeon. This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. ------ I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
> him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That
> was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was
> assumed that a deaf bookkeeper w ould not hear anything that
> he might have to testify about in court.
>
> When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about
> his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who
> knows sign language.
>
> The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10
> million bucks he embezzled from me is?' The attorney,
> using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper
> signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking
> about.'
>
> The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he
> doesn't know what you're talking about.'
>
> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
> bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
>
> The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill
> you if you donʼt tell him!'
>
> The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is
> in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin
> Enzo's backyard in Queens !'
>
> The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he
> say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't
> have the balls to pull the trigger.'
>
>
>Dont you just love lawyers?
>
>
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Hopefully this won't offend anyone -- Texans, or little people. If it does, I do apologize.
~~~~~~
Subject: Fw: The Texas Midget
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that
the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(Ive got some of these funny signs somewhere, I better go find some)
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Heres a few.........
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/funnysign2.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/funnysign3.jpg)
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I just found another joke in my Dad's weekly newsletter from his veteran's club. I'm hand typing this so please forgive any typos. And I've had a few shots of whiskey, so you get the picture. :P
Disorder In American Courts
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and he had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Very funny David......and oldie but a goodie.
Endd yooooo diddd whell in sppitte of tha whixkskeeeeeeeee.....HIC
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The drunk driver was pulled over after driving the wrong way, down a one-way street.
The Policeman said..."Didn't you see the arrows?"
He replied......"No way, I didn't even see the Indians....
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
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good one, Kerry. I'll probably not drink wate for the next several weeks. GRoss
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We are on tank water, which we proudly claim as being chemical free, no odour, no cloudiness, just pure fresh water.
We just ignore the fact that it runs off our roof which is probably covered in bird shit, or that cane toads are probably swimming around in it, not to mention the ashes from the cane fires that sit in our house gutters, or the dead insects that probably fall through the sieve.
To us it is just pure fresh rain water.
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We are on tank water, which we proudly claim as being chemical free, no odour, no cloudiness, just pure fresh water.
We just ignore the fact that it runs off our roof which is probably covered in bird shit, or that cane toads are probably swimming around in it, not to mention the ashes from the cane fires that sit in our house gutters, or the dead insects that probably fall through the sieve.
To us it is just pure fresh rain water.
Thats some dirty water!! And yu call that fresh ? Yuk
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I drink only bottled water, but cook and clean with tap water. DO you think bottle water is full of poop too?
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Thats some dirty water!! And yu call that fresh ? Yuk
Honestly, when we have a glass of our water, and hold it up to the light, it is crystal clear, not a speck of anything in it.
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I drink only bottled water, but cook and clean with tap water. DO you think bottle water is full of poop too?
I wouldn't take my joke about the E.coli in the water too seriously, Dev. It was emailed to me by a friend and I accepted it as a joke, not a serious report about a legitimate scientific study. I think it's just something someone made up as a joke. The punch-line at the end is the key. I drink Sydney tap water by the gallon. I love it. I haven't died yet! (touch wood) :laugh:
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'THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'............................
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came20down and asked, 'OK, so
how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued,
'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?'
£ 124,237.64. pounds'
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
She told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
Friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
Told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
Two said he was still there
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I came across Dot's "lightbulb changing" post from about two years ago, and thought I'd post it again.
How many Bettermostians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/8194/image203uo2.th.jpg) (http://img504.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image203uo2.jpg)
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again
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That is the funniest thing I have read, Thanks Paul for re-posting it.
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Emperor: Quid gurgustium (What a dump)
Courtier: Me transmitte sursum Caledoni (Beam me up Scotty)
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Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
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Billy Connelly followed by Kerry's comedy club and I am nw completely de-stressed. No bout a doubt it, laughter IS the best medicine.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/revenge.jpg)
That is soo true for me. Many a night I have lain awake dreaming up hideous tortures, cutting and witty retorts and one liners. Even adapting some existing tortures, like the Japanese death of a thosand cuts !!!Someone must have been reading my mind. !!
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Californiawhen suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to aNASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'& nbsp;
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. ..
Now give me back my dog
-
IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER...
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"
-
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/255.jpg)
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Love all those Jewish Mother's......have copied and emailed to my friends.
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A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi),
and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The
Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove
his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went
for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same
thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test
match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na
no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said,
thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!
-
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his
>> mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with
>> Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says,
>> "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be
>> curious about s e x at that age." "Curious about s e x?"
>> replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
>>
>> ------------------------------------------------------------
-
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five
years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband.. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same
buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter,
and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area
and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a
cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
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A little teamwork from Railcorp....
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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and
a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday
night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out
here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.
Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years
in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom,
warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
:laugh: Love it! :laugh:
-
HOW TO GO CAMPING WITH YOUR MATES......AUSSIE STYLE
Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had
> just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip
> because
> his missus wouldn't let him go.
>
>
>
> After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive
> remarks" Mick left to go back home to the missus.
>
>
>
> Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka
> common
> the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of
> the
> Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast
> stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
>
>
>
> "Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here
> Mick?" they asked
>
>
>
> "I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I
> went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown
> my
> sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and
> said, 'Surprise'.
>
>
>
> "When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful
> see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me
> to
> the bed and you can do what ever you want."
>
>
>
>
>
> SO HERE I AM
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/accidents.jpg)
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus..'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and then he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Auckland Airport .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into
Auckland . I want to thank you for flying with us today and
Hope you enjoy your
Stay in the Auckland area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane
Can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Auckland?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
Take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her,
Take her back to my
Room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
Immediately begins looking up
And down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
Cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/balls.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Ooh, I love your tulips, Chrissi. They're beautiful. :D
-
From TIME magazine comes this new Russian joke about two fabulously wealthy oligarchs:
"Boris is walking down the street when he runs into his friend, Andrei. "That's a lovely tie," Boris tells his friend. "Thank you," says Andrei. "I spent $900 on it in Paris." To which Boris replies: "You fool! You could have stayed in Moscow and paid $2,000."
-
Ooh, I love your tulips, Chrissi. They're beautiful. :D
Thank you :-*. I thought it's time for a little spring decoration around here.
-
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied
-
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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These classified ads were really put in the paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
-
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Hmm, I think I work with her. :-\ ;) :laugh:
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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
'Tray up, Bitch'
-
The Sweetness of Married Life
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of
beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan , India , etc
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop, but, at the bar. You
know they have frozen glasses.'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey, at the bar, you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that.'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
They lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
MARRIED LIFE -- MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.
-
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
Sounds like another woman I work with! :o ;) :laugh:
-
Sounds like another woman I work with! :o ;) :laugh:
Gee Kerry, :laugh: :laugh: sounds like you work with some classics.......
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May be necessary to scroll over -->
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release hand brake.
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Hmm, I just noticed Calvin has Sydney Opera House on his head! :o ;) :laugh:
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home.
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Lawyer with a heart
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high'
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Will I Live to see 80 ?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked,
'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much...
my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf,
sailing,
hiking,
or
bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked,
'Do you gamble,
drive fast cars,
or
have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,...
'Then, why do you even give a shit ?
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
:laugh: Hilarious! I forwarded this one on, for sure. With retirement looming, I imagine it'll soon be me on that bus! :laugh:
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It
will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
!
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Signs of the times
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
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On a Septic Tank Lorry:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's Van:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's Van:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Notice board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Shop
'Invite us to your next blow-out.'
**************************
On an Electrician's Van:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
In a Vet's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Outside a Car Exhaust Centre:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
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Great Zander......very clever.
Glad to see you contributing....keep em coming....
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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double
dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects." On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up...."
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10 Finkers
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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Little Johnny's neighbours' had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family
was invited over to see the baby.
Before leaving their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. He also told him that if he so much as
mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word
"ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When they got there,
and little Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby." The
mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful
little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really
beautiful eyes. Can he see?" asked little Johnny. "Yes," the mother replied,
"we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "Thatâ?Ts great," said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh__ outta luck if he needed glasses."
..
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor's thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
'They will in a minute..'
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And welcome to the Komedy Klub's celebration of
World
Laughter
Day
Sunday May 3
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Over the following week, I will be posting my own personal favourite Komedy Klub funnies that have appeared here in the past, so that we can all re-enjoy them anew.
You are very welcome to do the same. Do you have a favourite cartoon or joke that you'd like to share with us all? If so, there'll never be a better time than on World Laughter Day! Perhaps you have a personal favourite cartoon or joke that hasn't yet appeared in the Komedy Klub. Please share it with us!
Prepare yourselves for comedy overload during the next week, everyone!
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Wow Kerry, what a great idea to celebrate WORLD LAUGHTER DAY
I will have to go looking in the archives myself.
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter
asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them
to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of
you!'
St. Peter said, "I am mightily impressed! When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting awhile,
he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar
immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
given that you’re blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN SOMEONE SAYS....LETS GO FOR A DRINK
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or it could be this........
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Wow Kerry, what a great idea to celebrate WORLD LAUGHTER DAY
I will have to go looking in the archives myself.
Glad you like the idea, Sue. Good to see you getting into the spirit of World Laughter Day. :D Let's make it
World Laughter Week
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Note to self, a heaping helping of the Komedy club cures the blues .Well makes me forget them for a while anyway. ;D
I will cerainly pop by for world laughter day what a great idea particularly with all the doom and gloom around.
I guess the upside to no business and no job is I can spend more time laughing here !!
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Good choice, Shasta! Love 'em! :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh:
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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room
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Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'The whole street was laughing when they saw you
and your missus making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'
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He Thought He was a Cowboy....
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sait sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixiing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down ont eh other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"....
He replied, "I always thought I was, but i just found out I'm a lesbian".
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Not a joke: in western China (Saichuan), there is a Buddhist temple, devoted to the contemplation of laughter.
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Not a joke: in western China (Saichuan), there is a Buddhist temple, devoted to the contemplation of laughter.
That's interesting. I believe "World Laughter Day" started in India. Another eastern connection. :)
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They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.
His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!
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Warning! Bad language!
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Thanks for all the laughs, Kerry and gang!
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Stay tuned for more funnies to come, Marie. We're celebrating World Laughter Week here at BetterMost! :laugh:
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THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men
sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says..
'Grandpa;........ Go home!
You're drunk.
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Scroll over --->
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...
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:laugh: Good one, Mandy. :laugh:
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At about the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm so drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I'm so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
:laugh: Love it! I sent that one on! :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Love it Zander.......more more more
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This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
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Very interesting Zander......Maroochydore is only about an hours drive from where I live in Queensland, Australia.
I had not heard about this, but it is very humourous.
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It's a global village now, we here things about our towns from people halfway across the world.
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It's a global village now, we here things about our towns from people halfway across the world.
Thats for sure.....and just a bit of trivia.....MAROOCHYDORE is aboriginal for HOME OF THE BLACK SWAN.
Sorry Kerry, for interupting the funnies......keep em coming.....
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck…aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieees s?'
The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'
She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?
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Re: Comedy Greats - your humour.
« Reply #24 on: 16 February 2009, 12:41:00 » Quote Modify Remove Split Topic
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't
trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!
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The sharing of marriage...
:laugh: Love it. :laugh:
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MORE FROM THE ZOO..........
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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DR SEUSS FOR SENIORS...........
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WHEN YOU WALK OUT IN THE MORNING AND SEE THIS SKY........
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/cloud-1.jpg)
.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.
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And so the comedy whirlwind of World Laughter Day Week comes to an end here at the Komedy Klub.
Keep laughing, everyone, and stay happy!
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Young Paddy, moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.'
Paddy now works for the British Government.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
OMG! I'm laughing out loud in my cubicle here!!!!
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Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella (beer) and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the f**king price'
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The great Spice Girl hunt
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTJ4VFBpASg[/youtube]
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A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies.....
Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!
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SENIOR DATING
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!.... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
(scroll down)
(wait for it)
(Scroll down)
So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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Oh this last one is so true, crying with laughter here!
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Hey all, just an idea, if you go to a discussion thread and find it's been hijacked by the androphile topic why not post the following:-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0136-A.jpg)
Topic hijacked by Malebratz
It would be nice to be able to discuss the original subject of a thread rather than an extension of another thread. It would be easy to say that there is a valid view from that topic that applies to the topic under discussion, but I could probably say that about the effect of pumpernickel on 17th century rural Germany. Just a plea to keep topics ON TOPIC.
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Excellent suggestion, Zander. We all find topic hijacking so tiresome, and humour is always an excellent tool for dealing with potentially volatile situations. :D
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Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women . To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)1) Argued over nothing.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)3) Gained weight.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)4) Talked excessively without making sense.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)5) Became overly emotional
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)6) Couldn't drive.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)7) Failed to think rationally.
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/beer.gif)8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
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A well dressed lady stood waiting for the bus on a warm, clear
afternoon in Chicago.
When the bus stopped, and it was her turn to board, she became aware
that her skirt was to tight for her to raise her leg enough to manage
the height of step onto the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The
doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now,
you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....
something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build
you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in
fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you
to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out... But if
you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five
incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she
plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the
next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
-
BLONDE VS TRUCKER
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE............ FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, the headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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This surely makes Jack & Ennis look like real amateurs!!! This is for real, some sections speeded up for effect. I hope you can see it.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/dtv3.jpg)
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A NEW ZEALAND JOKE........
A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again..
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'But they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0138.jpg)
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/act.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0062.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/U-arms.jpg)
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I have some funny signs I wanted to post for World Laughter Day, but didn't get around to it. Better late than never I guess :).
Not easily impressed
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns1.jpg)
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(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns12.jpg)
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(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns4.jpg)
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(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns13.jpg)
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Armpit shower ahead
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns14.jpg)
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Armpit shower ahead
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns14.jpg)
Hellbrunn -I've been here, It's a former Archbishops palace outside Saltzburg, there were no notices when I went and I got very wet. He has a lot of "water jokes" within his garden!
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Hellbrunn -I've been here, It's a former Archbishops palace outside Saltzburg, there were no notices when I went and I got very wet. He has a lot of "water jokes" within his garden!
We were at the neighbouring zoo last fall! Small world :).
No water jokes in the zoo though ;D.
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Armpit shower ahead
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns14.jpg)
I'm slow at the best of times. ::) Someone'll have to draw me a diagram with this one! ???
Let me have a guess - "No cameras allowed here. If you wear a camera around your neck here, you will be held up and have it stolen from you. But not before trick cameras hidden in the ground squirt you with water." Am I close? :)
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I'm slow at the best of times. ::) Someone'll have to draw me a diagram with this one! ???
Let me have a guess - "No cameras allowed here. If you wear a camera around your neck here, you will be held up and have it stolen from you. But not before trick cameras hidden in the ground squirt you with water." Am I close? :)
I just thought it meant "watch out for automatic sprinklers".....I never noticed the little camera before, so maybe you are right there Kerry.
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/gay.jpg)
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I just thought it meant "watch out for automatic sprinklers".....I never noticed the little camera before, so maybe you are right there Kerry.
No these water jokes work by either an employee turning on a tap or by say you staning on what looks like an ordinary paving stone sets off a shower of water on your head - the notice is warning you to protect your camera as you may be squirted without warning. It was great fun visiting (but not if you had a long journey afterwards and no change of clothing!)
(http://www.hellbrunn.at/hellbrunn/images/english/w_rundgang_12.jpg)
see http://www.hellbrunn.at/hellbrunn/english/trickfountains/tour.asp
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(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/stuff/fun4.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/net_addiction.jpg)
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(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/stuff/fun4.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Love this one!
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(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/stuff/fun1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/dtv4.jpg)
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Joan Rivers on English talk show "Parkinson" with George Michael & Stephen Fry.
Warning adult themes and bad language.
&NR=1 (Part 1)
&index=54 (Part 2)
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Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles: The Cellblock Tango
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Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles: Three Little Maids from School Are We.
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(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/stuff/fun1.jpg)
This pic freaks me out, and cracks me up at the same time.
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This pic freaks me out, and cracks me up at the same time.
I've got to admit, I've sat here staring at it several times, trying to work out where her head is.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0140.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/WhippedCream.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/whippedcream-3-75pc.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/remote.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/WhippedCream.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A new favorite of mine!
Thanks for posting as always :-*.
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Ole had a car accident and was suing the trucking company.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole..
"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer."
Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...."
"I didn't ask for a long story," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' ?"
Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said,"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him just to answer the question."
By this time, however, the Judge wanted to hear Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule."
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis big truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I could hear she was in terrible shape."
"Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw she was in bad shape, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes."
"Then he came across da road with his gun in his hand, lookedat me and said, 'And how are you feeling?'"
"I ask you, your honor, vat the hell vould YOU have said?"
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The Frog and Golf
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood..'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say..
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas .
' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should bet?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for him,
He deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 18-year-old girl.
'And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.'
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Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that\'s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I\'ve got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I\'ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That\'s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn\'t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
-
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
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Always guaranteed to make me chuckle, a visit to the Komedy Klub. ;D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/predicament.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/12531.jpg)
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ROLE REVERSALS.....
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/piggybank.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/mouse-2.gif)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/stuffing.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/chinese.jpg)
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THIS IS MIND BLOWING
Someone needs to figure out how this works! Amazing.
This stumped me. If you can figure out how she does it please let me know. I never even touched the cursor on my chosen number..
Once I did not even follow the directions, I just looked at the number and she still got it!
This will drive you crazy!
http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html
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THIS IS MIND BLOWING
Someone needs to figure out how this works! Amazing.
This stumped me. If you can figure out how she does it please let me know. I never even touched the cursor on my chosen number..
Once I did not even follow the directions, I just looked at the number and she still got it!
This will drive you crazy!
http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html
It does!
I tried several times, playing to the rules and not playing to the rules. Every time I play according to the rules, it works. But when I just choose any two dgit number and don't substract, it doesn't work! Or I tried doing only one substraction, it didn't work either!
I found out that the gifts change every time. For example, I chose 32 as number, then sustracted:
32 - 2 - 3 = 27
Then I chose gift #27 and she had it right. I played three or four rounds with choosing gift #27, and she was right every time (and it was a different gift every time) . Then I decided to switch to gift #26 - and she got it wrong!
***Spoiler***
Wait, wait, wait, I thought about it:
For every ten numbers you originally chose, there's only one possible number you can get after the substraction. Try the thirties:
30 - 0 - 3 = 27
35 - 5 - 3 = 27
36 - 6 - 6 = 27
39 - 9 - 3 = 27
That't logical, because you always substract to the next lower tenner and then substract the # of tenner:
all twenties numbers lead you always to the 18
all thirties # lead always to 27
all forties numbers lead you always to the 36
all fifties # lead always to 45
all eighties # lead always to the 72
and so on.....
So there are only ten numbers you can end up with. Only ten numbers are mathematically possible. But how does she know which of them I chose?
That part I haven't figured out yet.
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*****Game spoiler ***
Hah! I got it!!!!!!
The fact that the gifts change every time was a big hint. I went back and checked all numbers on the table that are mathematically possible in one round:
the 9, the 18, the 27, the 36, the 45, and so on: they are all identical.
All the other numbers are only there to distract you. In one round, all of the mathematical possible numbers are "Refridgerator magnet", in the next round they all are "Box of Exotic Teas"!
So it doesn't matter which of the ten possible numbers you choose, they all lead to the same gift. And gifts change in every round so it's not too obvious.
Whoo-hooo!!!!!!
I found out, yay! :D
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The fact that you worked that out, is even more MIND BOGGLING than the game was in the first place.
Well done.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/WilliamTell.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/hold.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/dtv7.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/europe.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/master.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/toes.jpg)
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I did it two times and got different ans. both times. neither time was right. 11 -2 -5 =4 I got two different
ans. cuff lincs and i forget the other one.... it was wrong
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/behind.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/cowboys.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/diamond.jpg)
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/celebrity-pictures-clint-eastwood-b.jpg)
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HELLO!
I dialled a number for one of my Army commerades and got the following recording...
" I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of those changes. "
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Did I read that correctly?
Real signs observed:
In a laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS OFF.
In an office building:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE THE FLOOR BELOW.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
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HELLO!
I dialled a number for one of my Army commerades and got the following recording...
" I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of those changes. "
Not having you as his friend would be his loss, David. He will be the poorer for not having you in his life. :-\
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/fat.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/feminist.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Kitchen.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/bb3D.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/normal-1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/obey.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0141.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/dtv8.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/cow.jpg)
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(http://i307.photobucket.com/albums/nn302/alevine0630/Gay%20Pride/Admonishmentsinthebible.jpg)
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(http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a335/thirdaccount/gay/Pride.jpg)
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(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a377/jokergurl47/Gay_Pride_Sign.jpg)
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(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k40/BHargrove1218/gay%20pride/pride116.gif)
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(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e90/lildrummer50/237.jpg)
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(http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c62/Familyhedges/Gay%20Rights/y7989.gif)
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(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k1/lsc2seattle/gay_marriage_civil_rights_cartoon.gif)
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(http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n235/Bryan1966/gayrights.gif)
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(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b4/embers_log/political%20cartoons/stt081107gif.gif)
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(http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm84/abuffey13/n720348786_1210428_9311.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd10/bricke09/Gay%20Rights/ifgod.jpg)
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(http://i357.photobucket.com/albums/oo19/Techno_the_raccoon/bd2706b3e8.jpg)
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(http://i357.photobucket.com/albums/oo19/Techno_the_raccoon/bd2706b3e8.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Oh, thanks for the laugh this morning! And loved all the gay themed posts.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Oh, thanks for the laugh this morning! And loved all the gay themed posts.
Speaking of "gay" . . . . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/soooogay.jpg)
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But seriously . . . . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/navyband.jpg)
-
I just discovered luminous condoms.... I'm practicing to become a Jedi knight....feel the force Luke ;D
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/queen.jpg)
-
Speaking of "gay" . . . . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/soooogay.jpg)
I want the one in the uniform. ;D
-
Get in line ;D
-
I was here first!
:laugh:
-
Get in line ;D
Joe Phillips sure is a brilliant gay artist. His work is most certainly homoerotic, but he also incorporates romance and humor into his work. If you wanna see more, go here:
www.joephillips.com
Meanwhile, here are some of my favorite cartoons by Joe Phillips. Hope they're not OT, but they are cartoons, after all, so that should make them appropriate for the Komedy Klub. :D It'll be interesting to see how many are deleted by PhotoBucket! >:(
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe1.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe7.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe6.jpg)
-
I also love the humor in Joe Phillips' cartoons:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe4.jpg)
-
But IMHO it's romance that he does best . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe3.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe5.jpg)
-
And who knows, maybe one day we will all be able to experience such a wonderful moment as this in our lives.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe8.jpg)
-
And who knows, maybe one day we will all be able to experience such a wonderful moment as this in our lives.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/joe8.jpg)
I think it happened once in our relationship but my memory is a little dim. I don't think either of us could lift the other nowadays (not without the aid of a hoist or half a dozen strapping young firemen - I wish!) ;D a nice dream image though :o
-
I think it happened once in our relationship but my memory is a little dim. I don't think either of us could lift the other nowadays (not without the aid of a hoist or half a dozen strapping young firemen - I wish!) ;D a nice dream image though :o
Haha, but I was thinking more along the lines of wedding night. :D
-
Happy Thong Thursday,
everyone!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/thursdaythong.jpg)
-
Just like cutting cheese ;D
-
(http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g116/CellarDweller115/msfg_lg2.gif)
-
Imediately googles Cellardweller
(http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h95/naxman_photos/BBM/thhandbag.gif)
OMG!!!!
-
haahaahaaa!
I've missed your pussy!!!! :laugh:
-
haahaahaaa!
I've missed your pussy!!!! :laugh:
That's what the all say ;D
-
Here are some quizzical optical illusions to puzzle over. :o
This one, for example. Can you see the word "optical" or the word "illusion"? Or perhaps you can see both words! ??? ;) :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP14.jpg)
-
More optical illusions . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP9.gif)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP5.jpg)
-
Hmmm, I can see the black dots peripherally, but every time I try to look at one directly, it turns white! :o
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP4.jpg)
-
Ubggggggh I feel seasick loking at those (http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll113/Whelt/Smileys/261328.gif)
-
I've seen those all before, except for the first one, and I can see both words.
-
I also can see both words in the first.
And hey, I can make them stop moving. If I concentrate on only one of the nuts/rhombs, the movement slows down and then stops. Cooool 8).
-
And hey, I can make them stop moving. If I concentrate on only one of the nuts/rhombs, the movement slows down and then stops. Cooool 8).
:o
*points at Chrissi*
Witch! Witch!!!
:laugh:
-
:o
*points at Chrissi*
Witch! Witch!!!
:laugh:
Be careful, mere mortal, or I'll cast a spell on you (and send the Psycho Children into your dreams every night ;D).
:laugh: :-*
Can you not stop the movement?
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Ohsothatswhy.png)
Oh, so that's the reason!
-
Scroll over --> as necessary -->
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP2.jpg)
-
Lost in translation . . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/mayhem.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/assmeat.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/assmeat.jpg)
I think I'll pass.
-
(http://img2.allposters.com/images/EPH/7829.jpg)
-
(http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s235/revmyspace2/graphics/Misc/Funny/9_funny_lick_that_icky_thing.gif)
-
(http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1138/536796257_13b61eb659.jpg?v=0)
-
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns2.jpg)
-
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns3.jpg)
uhm - yeah, I agree ;D
-
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns12.jpg)
-
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns6.jpg)
-
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/Penthesilea06/funnysigns5.jpg)
-
(http://homepage.ntlworld.com/watson-jones/alphabet/photos/cock_soup.jpg)
-
(http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Big-Butts-Magnet-C11749971.jpeg)
-
(http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b319/beanballinc/growupgay_large.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/retro48.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/retro47.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/retro4.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/retro31.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/536796257_13b61eb659-1.jpg)
-
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/536796257_13b61eb659-1.jpg)
Ha! I empathize with you, Dorothy! I know the feeling! :laugh:
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/neighbour.jpg)
-
Ha! I empathize with you, Dorothy! I know the feeling! :laugh:
Isn't that hysterical? My friend has that as a refrigerator magnet, but can't remember where he got it. I want one! LOL
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/charlene.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP1.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP1.jpg)
Too many! :laugh:
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
Failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
Him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
And poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
Soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
He dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
Of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
Upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
Door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,
Drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/pill.jpg)
-
A little 73 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers' club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, 'I want to
join your club.'
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; 'Do you have a
motorcycle?'
The little old lady replies, 'Yep, my bike's parked over there' and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, 'Do you drink?'
The little old lady replies, 'Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table.'
The biker asks, 'Do you smoke?'
The little old lady replies, 'Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool.'
The biker is very impressed and asks, 'Last question, have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?'
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, 'Nope, but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times.'
-
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
-
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll a lso be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and
has a rather strong sex drive..
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located
above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
$200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh--tin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well.. You started it.'
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gaycows.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gaygop.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/mantis.gif)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Popegayparade.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/listen.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP7.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/undermine.gif)
-
This one makes me feel quite nauseous.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP11.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/ruby.jpg)
-
Yikes, how many columns?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP15.jpg)
-
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
-
GLASS EYE
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
Wait for it. . . . . .
It's coming. . . . . .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says. . . . . . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/loneranger.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/awkward.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran1.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran2.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran3.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran4.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran5.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran6.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran7.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/snooker.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Bizarro_shootout.gif)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/iran7.jpg)
Good one!
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Pardon_My_Planet.gif)
-
Yet another optical illusion . . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP13.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/sebastian.gif)
-
Subject: FW: Why men should write advice columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
_________________________
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
-
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
-
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me,
give
me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse
but
you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/cactus.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/remote-1.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP12.jpg)
-
Hey, that's quite amazing, Kerry.
And I thought age had wiped out my powers of concentration. ;D
-
Hey, that's quite amazing, Kerry.
And I thought age had wiped out my powers of concentration. ;D
:laugh:
I'll pass on the powers of concentration and stick with something I know - martial arts! ;) ;D
http://media.photobucket.com/video/Bad%20Martial%20Arts/pbhomepage/video1/MartialArts.flv?q=3
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/hesaid.gif)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/OP10.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/82yrsgay.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/pillowtalk.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/VB.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/vampires-have-no-life.gif)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0143.jpg)
-
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office
and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with
frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the
Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with
your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went
to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often
as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I
devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother
Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was
not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In
fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother
Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee .... and
this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a
nasty dogleg left and a hidden green .... and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the
line I wanted ... and it hits this bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How
unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme,
Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this
squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off
down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!"
sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself! An d while I was pondering
whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of
the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the
Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the
Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out
of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk
dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair,
folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a
baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't
you?
-
Definitions not in the dictionary
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. I have character lines
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/email.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/LR.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/saveit.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/unicorns.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/unicorns.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/policy.jpg)
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/threat.jpg)
-
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
> Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
> Bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
>
> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a Bonus of $72,000...
>
>
> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
>
>
> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
>
> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big schedules the previous two Officers had received. But old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
>
>
> The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
>
>
> The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'
>
> The Old Chief calmly replied,
>
> 'Vietnam'.
-
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/threat.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The truth comes out!
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This is funny....take the time to read it.
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol’ thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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This is funny....take the time to read it.
:laugh: Hilarious! One of your best, Sue! I nearly fell off my chair laughing! :laugh:
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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
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(I could see that one coming...) ;)
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(I could see that one coming...) ;)
hahaha....well she probably did too.....after all she was deaf not blind.
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Ever wonder why divers fall backwards off a boat.......well here's the Irish reason for it.......
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies:
"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat
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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
‘I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!’
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. ' she says.
The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . .. . I'm homesick !!!!!'
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the
cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady
at the counter says " Come Again"...
The blonde says "no its toothpaste
this time you nosey bitch!"
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Yee-Haw!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/emu.jpg)
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Yee-Haw!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/emu.jpg)
That's not how I pictured a rodeo queen, but you live and learn... ;)
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Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package On the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
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Louisiana
>> > Sheriff
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A Louisiana
>> > Sheriff stops at a farm in rural Louisiana
>> > and talks
>> > with an old farmer.
>> >
>> > He tells the farmer, "I need to
>> > inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
>> >
>> > The old farmer
>> > says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
>> >
>> > The Sheriff verbally explodes
>> > saying,
>> > "Mister, I have the authority of the
>> > Sheriffs Department with
>> > me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge. The
> officer
>> > proudly
>> > displays
>> > it to the farmer.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > "See this
>> > badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
>> > wish...on
>> > anyone's land. No questions asked or answers
>> > given.
>> > Have I made myself clear?
>> > Do you
>> > understand?"
>> >
>> > The old farmer nods
>> > politely and
>> > goes about
>> > his chores.
>> >
>> >
>> > Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
>> > and spies
>> > the Sheriff running for his
>> > life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
>> >
>> > With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff
>> > is
>> > clearly terrified..
>> >
>> > The old farmer
>> > immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
> top of
>> > his lungs.....
>> >
>> > "Your badge!
>> > Show him
>> > your badge, Smartass!"
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A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn.Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the
artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
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IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of
cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had
stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least
three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to
give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the
flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of
the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was
being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the
world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons
are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and
me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere
every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was
lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of
bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.. Have a
wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to
laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
p.p. s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my
clothes! How do they do it????
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rotlfmao!
Mandy, I read that over the phone to my mom, she was hysterical!
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The Top Ten things that would be different if the Disciples were Gay:
10.) Priests would not get married.....wait a minute....
9.) Jesus wouldn't wear a white robe after Labor Day.
8.) Fewer "Sermons on the Mount", more "Musicals".
7.) Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.
6.) Virgin Mary's hair would be flawless.
5.) Would not have chased money changers out of the temple - they would have redecorated.
4.) Turn water into dry martinis with just a splash of curacao for color.
3.) Instead of the Last Supper, it would have been the Last Brunch with cabaret.
2.) Replace the Beatitudes with "Fabulous are they. . ."
1.) Triumphant Entry just screams for a Drag number.
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HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE
This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only. If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is. Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible. Your responses will be held in strict confidence and your anonymity fully protected.
1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?
11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?
15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?
17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?
18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?
19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?
21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?
22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?
Courtesy Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., © 1972
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Supposedly a true story:
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
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It's All Because (The Gays Are Getting Married)&NR=1
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10 Things AGAINST Gay Marriage
1. Being gay is not natural. Anything unnatural should be rejected - unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning . . . . and being gay.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
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LOL!
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Or good news?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/P10.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/P11.jpg)
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Imagine Jerry Falwell in fancy dress, complete with mitre, sceptre and bejeweled vestments, and you've got Peter Jensen. Just as hateful, Just as homophobic.
"Primate" is the title senior Anglican clergy give themselves. Don't ask!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0146.jpg)
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Important message about growing old . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/old.gif)
Um . . .
Ah . . .
I forget what I was going to tell you,
but isn't the flower nice.
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Yes, he really did say it! >:(
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0147.jpg)
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Will I Live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'll be 60 next birthday).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said . . . . 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him the MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a woman comes in. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
. I put drops in her eyes........
.
-
. I put drops in her eyes........
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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WALMART CAKE.......true story (read explanation underneath picture)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/Walmartcake.jpg)
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Wal-Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What you want on de cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
You can't fix stupid.
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Strailya Mate!
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
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Two good ol' > boys in a Tennessee
Two good ol'
> boys in a Tennessee
> trailer
> park
> were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer
> after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.
>
>
>
> After a while
> the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak
> over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your
> wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and
> had a baby, would that make us kin?"
>
>
>
> The 2nd guy
> crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head
> and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
> Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about
> kin, but it would make us even."
>
>
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The Reverend Fred Nile is a Jerry Falwell clone here in Sydney. He's doubly dangerous because as well as being a minister of religion, he is also a politician! To give you an insight into his mean-spirited, decidedly un-Christian character, each year he attends the Gay Mardi Gras parade with a small band of like-minded fanatics . . . . no, not to dance and party, but to pray for rain! ::)
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Wilson Tuckey is one of the most eccentric and controversial figures in Australian federal politics. In 1967, when he owned a pub in Carnarvon, Western Australia, he was convicted of assault after striking an Aboriginal man with a length of steel cable. It was alleged that the man was being pinned to the ground at the time. He has had the nickname "Ironbar Tuckey" ever since.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0150.jpg)
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This little test will enable you to find out who REALLY is your role model.
Don’t scroll down just yet though . . . . .
First, you need to do the simple maths below and then scroll down to find your hero:
You will think it’s crazy how accurate this is!
1. Pick your favourite number between 1–9
2. Multiply by 3, then . . .
3. Add 3
4. Then again multiply by 3 (I’ll wait while you grab the calculator)
5. You’ll get a 2 or 3 digit number
6. Add the digits together
NOW SCROLL DOWN
KEEP SCROLLING
WON'T BE LONG NOW
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE
With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Snoopy
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Bill Gates
6. Mahatma Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Babe Ruth
9. KERRY! That's right, it's ME!
10. John F. Kennedy
I know – I can't help being charismatic – one day you too can be like me. Believe it!
P.S., Stop picking different numbers!!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT! ;) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F.jpg)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/shutthegate.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gun.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/VP.jpg)
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Caution, do not view the attached cartoon if you are offended by the f-word . . . .
You were warned . . . .
The following cartoon has a naughty word in it . . . .
Here it is . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/LessMore.jpg)
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Meanwhile, overheard in Sydney during their recent dust storm . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0152.jpg)
Peter Jensen is the homophobic, fire and brimstone, Anglican Archbishop of Sydney.
(Yep, "practising" is spelt with an "s" in Australia)
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?"; he said; “And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/hahaha.jpg)
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The Penis Study
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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:-*
Hey, I can't think of a better role model. :)
:-* {{{ Gary }}} :-*
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Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Are you sure that last one wasn't actually an Australian study, Sue? :-X
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This is funny.
Walmart shoppers . . . .
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/gallery/gallery-e6frewxi-1225779547142?page=1
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This is another funny gallery from Sydney's Daily Telegraph newspaper.
World's Worst Drivers . . . .
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/gallery/gallery-e6frewxi-1225778241676?page=1
I really can't throw stones. When I got my first car, many, many years ago, I drove into my very first petrol (gas) station to fill the tank of my car for the first time. Well, I misjudged the curve in the petrol station driveway, and knocked the pump clean over! :o It was on its side, on the ground! :o I was lucky (Ha!) in that I didn't sever any of the pipes leading to the underground tanks, otherwise there might have been an explosion! :o I was so upset about what I'd done, and obviously very young (I told the proprietors of the petrol station that it was the first time I'd ever bought petrol) that they took pity on me and didn't ask me to pay for any of the damage. Just goes to prove that truth is stranger than fiction! :laugh:
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Subject: Colonoscopies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you've had one you'll understand, and if you haven't, your time is coming. This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis ...
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea.. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all.
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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Subject: Colonoscopies
That was hilarious, Neil. :laugh: Since turning 50 my doctor has sent me off for a colonoscopy every couple of years or so. The gastroenterologist who conducts the procedure is a lovely guy with the most professional, courteous manner. There were three years between my first and second colonoscopy and when he saw me on the second occasion he appeared to recognise me and said, "Hello, it's nice to see you again." I think he was talking about my face! :o ;) :laugh:
There's a very serious message behind the humour of Dave Barry's piece. I remember TIME ran a front page story some years ago that said something about "Don't Die of Embarrassment." It estimated that many thousands of people (primarily men - women don't appear to suffer so much from the embarrassment thing) die in the USA each year because they are too embarrassed to have a colonoscopy. I'll be sending this article along to my friends, some of whom are in the "too embarrassed" group. Thanks for posting this excellent article, Neil. :)
Oh, and um, yes, everything he said about the MoviPrep is TRUE! :o :P :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/putin.gif)
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If you didn't get the book you were after..........
Maybe you went to the wrong shop......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/bookstore.jpg)
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A cowboy and his bride found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
'This heerza special 'casion,' he said, 'our honeymoon.
We need a nice room with a good strong bed.'
The clerk winked. 'You want the Bridal?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'
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A cowboy and his bride found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
'This heerza special 'casion,' he said, 'our honeymoon.
We need a nice room with a good strong bed.'
The clerk winked. 'You want the Bridal?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/dinnerparty1.jpg)
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Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long
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Peter Jensen, the Anglican Archbishop of Sydney, has been preaching his hate-filled, homophobic message in the media again. Rather than stew over his venomous pronouncements and get myself all tied in a knot inside, I find it's therapeutic to draw a cartoon instead. It depletes my anger and makes me feel better.
Whilst researching my most recent cartoons, I came across something at Wikipedia that makes His Grace even more ingracious than previously thought. Apparently nepotism is a favoured practice of his, in that he provided jobs for his wife and his brother, post-consecration.
And he has the hide to criticise my morals!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0153.jpg)
(Sources: Left: "Compass" ABCTV 18.10.09 / Right: Wikipedia)
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Yep, he really did say it. They were his exact words on the ABCTV "Compass" program on Oct 18. He was moaning on and on and on, playing the misunderstood martyr card. And I'd venture to say that a lot of people viewing the program would have indeed failed to understand how a so-called man of God could be such a hate-filled bigot.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0154.jpg)
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Sources:
Left - "Compass" ABCTV Oct 18
Right - "Pride goeth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0155.jpg)
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FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now
FACT: 58,000,000 people are kissing
FACT: 37,000,000 people are relaxing after having sex
FACT: 1 old timer is sitting reading jokes
You hang in there. SUNSHINE
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FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now
FACT: 58,000,000 people are kissing
FACT: 37,000,000 people are relaxing after having sex
FACT: 1 old timer is sitting reading jokes
You hang in there. SUNSHINE
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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John was a salesman's dream when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30pm that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said
Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy..
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever
ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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This will the last 3 of my own cartoons for now. Did I hear someone yell Yee-Haw? :o :laugh:
I'm sorry to bore my American friends with cartoons dealing with subject matter they are unfamiliar with. Or, at least, with people they are unfamiliar with. Fact is, though, that Archbishop Peter Jensen and Archbishop Peter Akinola are pretty much central casting match-ups for the likes of Jerry Falwell (in the case of Peter Jensen) and Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church (in the case of Peter Akinola). How they can have the temerity to call themselves men of God, I'll never know. >:(
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0156.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0157.jpg)
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There was a documentary on ABCTV (Australia) last night called "The Battle of the Bishops" (BBC I think?) dealing with the threatened schism in the Anglican Church, which is being led by Nigeria's Archbishop Peter Akinola. It was a very scary documentary. Or should I say, Akinola is a very scary man. If he wasn't so dangerous and powerful, I would call him a nutter. But he's too cunning to be a nutter. He has a very manic, hyperactive manner, and is obsessed with homosexuality. Or rather, he is obsessed with the hatred of homosexuals. The program stated that one quarter of the world's Anglicans live in Nigeria, meaning Akinola has a huge clout within the Anglican Communion. Watching him last night, I was reminded of Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church. Same level of hate. Same manic obsession with and hatred of all things gay. I've used these captions in previous cartoons. They are appropriate for Akinola.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/0158.jpg)
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I am pleased to now return you to your normal transmission. ;) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/taser-cat.jpg)
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Kerry, never worry about boring us, I love your cartoons!
Have they ever been published anywhere? If not, you need to submit them, perhaps to a gay magainze.
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{{{ Chuck }}}
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Would be a shame if only gay readers got to see them.
They are for everyone with only the slightest bit of common sense.
And those totally without c s, are those who need to see them the most.
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{{{ Sason }}}
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You know I love your cartoons - I even use them elswhere as you know ;)
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{{{ Neil }}}
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/vlad2.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/vlad1.jpg)
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:laugh:
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Scroll over --->
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/moon-1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/need.jpg)
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One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him, and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed" replied the boy. How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way" replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.
"NO" screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver with a long sigh.
>
>
>
>
>
The boy replied "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
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^^^^^^^^^^
;D :laugh:
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I had to look up "Skoda". ::)
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^^^^^^^^
::) ;D
Hm, maybe that's the ultimate definition of difference between Americans and Europeans.... if you have to look up "Skoda"; you're not European..... :laugh:
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^^^^^^^^
::) ;D
Hm, maybe that's the ultimate definition of difference between Americans and Europeans.... if you have to look up "Skoda"; you're not European..... :laugh:
I think the American corollary for this joke would be "Yugo".
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/falwell_mistake.jpg)
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You can take him anywhere twice - the second time to apologize! ::)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/housewife.jpg)
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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name
It mean,
(wait for it.........)
Nag ..... nag ..... nag ..... nag
(just found a new name for my partner)
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(http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e256/kalei99/pumpkin-butt-Halloween-joke-cartoon.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween2.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween10.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween11.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween12.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween13.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween17.png)
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Obviously there was a Halloween sale on synthetic beige trousers and polyester shirts at the town's menswear store. Now that's scary! :o
Scroll over -->
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween16.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Halloween1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween18.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween14.jpg)
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
thanks for the laughs, Kerry!
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The crashed witch is hilarious!!
;D ;D ;D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween19.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween20.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween21.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween22.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/halloween23.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/MrBean.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gaymarriage.gif)
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lmao!
I had to bring that over to DCF! I love the "Gay Sex Is In" sign.
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lmao!
I had to bring that over to DCF! I love the "Gay Sex Is In" sign.
The truth will be outed :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/batman.jpg)
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hard core! ;)
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A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she’s tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man "... But its starting to twitch."
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"No," croaks the old man "... But its starting to twitch."
Boom-boom! :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/GoodTime-1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/GoodTime-1.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/SmockArt.jpg)
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Look at the picture below very carefully
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/eyetest.jpg)
Have you noticed the girl in the background?
Noticed her Butt?
Well look at the picture carefully!
if your answer is YES then go ASAP and see an OPTOMETRIST!!!
What you see is the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!!
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Better late than never, I finally got to see "Up" last week. It's had a long run here in Sydney. I'd heard so many good things about it . . . technically - how good the animation is. No-one had warned me, however, what an emotional clout it carried. Nor that it wasn't a kids' movie at all. I loved "Up" and especially one character in particular - Dug, the talking dog. He's adorable. He makes me smile. I hope these pics of Dug will make you smile too. :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-A.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-B.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-C.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-D.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-E.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-F.jpg)
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Better late than never, I finally got to see "Up" last week. It's had a long run here in Sydney. I'd heard so many good things about it . . . technically - how good the animation is. No-one had warned me, however, what an emotional clout it carried. Nor that it wasn't a kids' movie at all. I loved "Up" and especially one character in particular - Dug, the talking dog. He's adorable. He makes me smile. I hope these pics of Dug will make you smile too. :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-A.jpg)
I have just seen it myself, and I just loved. Even the angry talking dogs. :P Did you notice the gay family reference? And the classic adult OHh
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I have just seen it myself, and I just loved. Even the angry talking dogs. :P Did you notice the gay family reference? And the classic adult OHh
I missed the gay family reference. Where was it? Is it on YouTube?
"Classic adult OHh"? ???
For those who have not yet met Dug, here's an introduction . . . .
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I can't get enough of Dug . . . .
&feature=fvw
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Can't help myself . . . .
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A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
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Yeah, sure, weeee believe you . . . . . NOT! ::) ;) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Celebrations.jpg)
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Better late than never, I finally got to see "Up" last week. It's had a long run here in Sydney. I'd heard so many good things about it . . . technically - how good the animation is. No-one had warned me, however, what an emotional clout it carried. Nor that it wasn't a kids' movie at all. I loved "Up" and especially one character in particular - Dug, the talking dog. He's adorable. He makes me smile. I hope these pics of Dug will make you smile too. :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/UP-A.jpg)
Oh, I loved UP! I had the same reaction. Quite an emotional impact, I had to fight down tears (at an animated kids movie? ::) Jeez, how embarrassing - at least that's what I would have though before I saw it).
I either also missed the gay family reference, or I forgot about it.
Classical adult OHh? - Hunh? I'm as clueless as Kerry.
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Oh I've got to see this movie today! :laugh: :) :D ;D
Oh, I loved UP! I had the same reaction. Quite an emotional impact, I had to fight down tears (at an animated kids movie? ::) Jeez, how embarrassing - at least that's what I would have though before I saw it).
I either also missed the gay family reference, or I forgot about it.
Classical adult OHh? - Hunh? I'm as clueless as Kerry.
Sounds like a great movie. I love animated films. Loved Shrek and Finding Nemo all the latest films like that.
Dont feel wussy cause you cry. I cried watching SVU when Elliot got shot. Doesnt take much for me these days. Extreme Makeover Home Edition had me in tears the other night. There's no use holding in tears anymore.
Hope you didnt cry because the doggie dies :'( ???
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Oh I've got to see this movie today! :laugh: :) :D ;D
Sounds like a great movie. I love animated films. Loved Shrek and Finding Nemo all the latest films like that.
Dont feel wussy cause you cry. I cried watching SVU when Elliot got shot. Doesnt take much for me these days. Extreme Makeover Home Edition had me in tears the other night. There's no use holding in tears anymore.
Hope you didnt cry because the doggie dies :'( ???
"Up" made me all emotional too. I'm sure you'll love it, Dev. It's a lovely story. :)
I won't be revealing the ending! There will be NO SPOILERS from me! ;) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/catfood1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/catfood2.jpg)
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Im so glad you posted about "Up". It was a wonderful story. It brought on happy emotions, thanks Kerry.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/catfood1.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/catfood2.jpg)
Its quite apparent that you like animals. We have 5 pets. Four dogs and a cat. Love this cartoon. :laugh: :laugh:
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Its quite apparent that you like animals. We have 5 pets. Four dogs and a cat. Love this cartoon. :laugh: :laugh:
I am, indeed, an animal lover, especially cute talking dogs called Dug! :D
Alas, however, I live in an apartment building where pets are not permitted. There were always pets in the home when I was growing up and I hope to maybe have pets again one day. :D
The previously posted pics re cat food are from a birthday card (scanned copy) recently given to me by a friend. The top three pics were on the front of the card and when you opened the card you saw the ". . . and yours!" pic. :laugh:
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I hope you get to have pets again one day too, Kerry. You are welcome to visit mine anytime. ;D
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You like cats too!............. let's swap recipies ;D :laugh:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/yungeinstein/Cats/BG394.jpg)
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I hope you get to have pets again one day too, Kerry. You are welcome to visit mine anytime. ;D
Ta muchly, Dev. :-* That would be lovely, especially as it would be in Florida. :D
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You like cats too!............. let's swap recipies ;D :laugh:
Cats have great poker faces . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/poker.jpg)
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Yeah, sure, weeee believe you . . . . . NOT! ::) ;) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Celebrations.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:..... :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/QUACK.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/YESorNO.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/SHARK.jpg)
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One-man Village People. :o Hilarious! :laugh:
http://winampek.blogspot.com/2007/06/one-man-village-people.html
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OMG!!! :o :o
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Hilarious!!!
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One-man Village People. :o Hilarious! :laugh:
http://winampek.blogspot.com/2007/06/one-man-village-people.html
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I LOVE it! Thanks for sharing with us :-*. I'm gonna show it to my hubby when he comes home, this is so hilarious :laugh:.
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Yes, it's really something else!
I've never seen anything like it.
Very clever and inventive.
;D :laugh:
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See it to beleive it!
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k[/youtube]
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^^^^^^^^
Fantastic!!!
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See it to beleive it!
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k[/youtube]
Oh, I love that! :D :laugh:
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Couldn't resist posting this one too
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIt5lGhFyE0&feature=related[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/H1N1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/H1N1-2.jpg)
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Pregnant women should avoid catching swine flu as the results can be.............................................worrying!
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e60/purpldrgn1956b/Misc/swineflu.jpg)
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Cadbury "Eyebrow" Ad. Hilarious! :laugh:
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Cadbury Gorilla Ad., incase you've not seen it.
&NR=1
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Send-up of the Cadbury eyebrow and gorilla ads:
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Gay? Who's gay?!
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/NotHetero.png)
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:laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Prop8.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Cake-1.gif)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
love this thread, Kerry!
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Thank ya kindly. :-* It's good to laugh. :laugh: Here's another. :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/anderson_cooper.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gay_closet_500.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/heterophobic.gif)
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2009's First Christmas Joke :D
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'In honour of this Holy Season,' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle,' he said.
'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates.'
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carol's.'
And so the Christmas Season begins......
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At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/zebra.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/kitty.jpg)
Guy wearing the backpack: "Pink?! Damn colorblindness! I thought it was blue!
I simply adore the kitty though!"
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/putin-a.jpg)
ohhh, the loch ness is coming ahahahah
are you sure he is not running away?
he looks a bit frighten. ;D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/putin-b.jpg)
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Don't know if this was posted here before, if it was, apologies for the repeat.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? ? ?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another six to condemn those six as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to e-mail the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and light bulb group about changing light bulbs should be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me toos" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say, "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post six months from now and start it all over again...
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/putin-a.jpg)
Hmm....why is Putin wearing his watch on his right hand?
Maybe that's the Russian way of doing it? ;) ;D
Or maybe the answer is simply that he's left handed.
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How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? ? ?
:laugh: Hilarious! :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/older.jpg)
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A little known fact of cricket:
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 . . . . :)
. . . . and the first helmet was used in 1974!!!!!! ::)
It took 100 years for them to realise that the brain is also important. :laugh:
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^^^^^^
:o :o :o
So it's true what they say, regarding what body part men use to think with!!!
::) ::) ;D ;D
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^^^^^^
:o :o :o
So it's true what they say, regarding what body part men use to think with!!!
::) ::) ;D ;D
;) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/Pew.jpg)
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(I'm allowed to tell this joke 'cause I used to be blond - that was back when I used to have hair!)
A blond lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast (the Australian equivalent of Miami) when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blond, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blond.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blond's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts.
Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blond walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the
zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over - so now we're going to SeaWorld!'
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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Two gay guys are walking through a zoo.
They come across a male gorilla and notice that he has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts.
'Wouldn't you be? . . . . . . . He hasn't called . . . . . . He hasn't written . . . . . .'
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Life summarized in 4 bottles . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/bottles.jpg)
Yikes! I'm already on my 3rd bottle! :o
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Life summarized in 4 bottles . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/bottles.jpg)
Yikes! I'm already on my 3rd bottle! :o
:o
:laugh:
Love the creativity in this one :).
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^^^^^^^^^
Yeah, me too!
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Lucky for me, I'm still on my second bottle (even though the teenage years are long behind me).
;D :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/mexico1.jpg)
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Ricardo is now permanent enshrined as a cheapskate.
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""Laughter is an instant vacation!"
Random Thoughts for the Day:
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument
when You realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment
at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that
I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
-- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
18. My 9-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day, "What would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.
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He's a smart guy that Ricardo.
He's the only one who is mentioned by name on his mother's tombstone!!
::) ;D ;D
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
OMG! This is soooo true and I have already nominated a trusted friend to perform this function for me! :o :laugh:
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Every week, as I take the fitted sheet off the clothesline and try in vain to fold it neatly, this very thought crosses my mind! ::)
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
I do this! :laugh:
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9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
My favorite one - and so true!!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/cheatCAT.jpg)
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Emailed to me by a friend today:
Number One Idiot so far in 2009
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Number Two Idiot so far in 2009
Early this year some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2009
A man wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the National Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his bad spelling that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a National Bank deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland . Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2009
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of whiskey that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Number Six Idiot so far in 2009
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Perth, Western Australia .
Idiots in Food Service:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. Happened in Surfers Paradise, Queensland!
Idiot Sighting:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Melbourne.
Just an Idiot:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I've already done that side.' This was at the Ford dealership Dubbo.
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(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f33/Pickles007/Christmas/funny-dogs-Christmas-tree-picture-c.jpg)
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(http://i477.photobucket.com/albums/rr138/Iapetus144/NotFunnyCartoons-WhyVampiresSuckatM.jpg)
(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f33/Pickles007/Christmas/funny-dogs-Christmas-tree-picture-c.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Two great ones.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas29.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas45.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas29.jpg)
;D
um.....but not totally PC.... there should have been at least one black lesbian handicapped woman among
them.... ::) ;) ;D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas24.jpg)
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(http://i477.photobucket.com/albums/rr138/Iapetus144/NotFunnyCartoons-WhyVampiresSuckatM.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfKdC6SYcnM&NR=1[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas24.jpg)
:laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas2.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas30.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas1.jpg)
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.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0Zbk4zgHjM&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas51.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas3.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas6.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas8.jpg)
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Don't know if this was posted here before, if it was, apologies for the repeat.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? ? ?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another six to condemn those six as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to e-mail the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and light bulb group about changing light bulbs should be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me toos" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say, "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post six months from now and start it all over again...
(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/ladypippie/Smilies/RoflLg.gif)(http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/ladypippie/Smilies/RoflLg.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas11.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas37.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/3kings.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas12.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas55.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas13.jpg)
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Kerry, just wanted to say thanks for sharing all these Christmas jokes. I'm all alone this year for the first time, but your cartoons give me a giggle. I especially like the one with the cat springing onto the bed. Thanks!
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Kerry, just wanted to say thanks for sharing all these Christmas jokes. I'm all alone this year for the first time, but your cartoons give me a giggle. I especially like the one with the cat springing onto the bed. Thanks!
I'm glad you're enjoying the Chrissy funnies, Mandy. I'll be posting plenty more in the days leading up to Christmas, so keep visiting. We can share some hearty Christmas chuckles together. :)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas14.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas19.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas20.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas38.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas21.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas42.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas22.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas27.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas39.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas23.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas28.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas31.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas33.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas47.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas34.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas35.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas52.jpg)
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(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/funny-pictures-cat-asks-for-birds.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas32.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas40.jpg)
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Not sure who's most obnoxious, Uncle Eddie or cousin Tyrone with the guitar. ;) :laugh:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas49.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas43.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas48.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas50.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas55-1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas26.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas44.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas36.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/xmas54.jpg)
Merry
Christmas!
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British comedian, Catherine Tate, brilliant as ever as the outrageously gay, non-gay (?) Derek. Sure, we believe you, Derek. NOT! ::)
Who dear? Me dear? Gay dear? No dear! :laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prNQJm2pe2k[/youtube]
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Here are some silly pictures to start the new year off with a laugh . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F11.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F4.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F36.jpg)
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More silly pics . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F2.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/F6.jpg)
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Yet more silly pictures . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F9.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F5.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F7.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F10.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F8.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F12.jpg)
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I'm loving all the fails, Kerry!
Too funny!
;D
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I'm loving all the fails, Kerry!
Too funny!
;D
Glad you're enjoying them, Sason!
Have some more! :D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F15.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F13.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F16.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F13.jpg)
That could bee my swetie Brissingr.....and he is ofen in that position..... :laugh:
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That could bee my swetie Brissingr.....and he is ofen in that position..... :laugh:
Here's another funny kitty pic for you, Berit. ;D
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F31.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F17.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F21.jpg)
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Hope you don't mind me posting a pic here, Kerry?
I "stole" this from DCF.
(http://www.npj.com/photos/jokes/Texas%20Humor.jpg)
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Hope you don't mind me posting a pic here, Kerry?
I "stole" this from DCF.
I am very happy for you to post here, Sason. Everyone is welcome to post their funnies here, for us all to enjoy. The more the merrier! :D
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Mural painted on floor of bathroom in high-rise apartment building.
Suddenly I don't need to wee any more! :laugh:
Would you go in there? :o
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bathroom-floor-mural.jpg)
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Mural painted on ceiling in smokers' lounge (Cough!) :o
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/smokers-lounge-ceiling-mural.jpg)
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I would like to know if that mural cut down on smoke break time!
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I would like to know how many cases of constipation the first one caused!!
;D
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thanks so much for giving me such a fun evening, it was very enlightning. ;D
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE.......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/meerkat.jpg)
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I would like to know if that mural cut down on smoke break time!
I doubt it, Louise. ::) ;) :laugh:
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I would like to know how many cases of constipation the first one caused!!
;D
Doesn't bear thinking about, Sason. :P ;) :laugh:
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thanks so much for giving me such a fun evening, it was very enlightning. ;D
It's good to laugh! :laugh:
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE.......
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/meerkat.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/funnypost-1.gif) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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An oldie but a goody . . . .
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bartender.jpg)
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An oldie but a goody . . . .
;D
Oh, that's very funny indeed!!
and very serious too.......
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F24.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F37.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F20.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F25.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F14.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F27.jpg)
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Dam it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, constable."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the constable, "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to the football stadium car park. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give Me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the constable laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F14.jpg)
Oh yes, how I know this! Exactly like my Mäxi :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Dumbass dog ;D.
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"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
:o :o :o
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bubblesaxd.jpg)
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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/68.jpg)
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Check this out, it's a hilarious article about a perfectly normal gay teen, who fears he's turning into a fundamentalist Christian! ;D
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/gay_teen_worried_he_might_be
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My mom and I watched these three vids in the order that I'm posting them, and we were laughing so hard.
We began with "Beyoncé Clown".
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePNWCniwgfo[/youtube]
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Then I found this one, which was on the right of the monitor, as a "related" video.
It's a "reaction" to the Beyoncé clown vid.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kG8HpkdEJ4&feature=related[/youtube]
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At the 1:10 mark of the above video, the woman mentions "Scarlett Takes A Tumble"....which I had never heard of.
So I searched that, and found this.
:laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk&feature=related[/youtube]
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Check this out, it's a hilarious article about a perfectly normal gay teen, who fears he's turning into a fundamentalist Christian! ;D
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/gay_teen_worried_he_might_be
:laugh:
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At the 1:10 mark of the above video, the woman mentions "Scarlett Takes A Tumble"....which I had never heard of.
So I searched that, and found this.
:laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk&feature=related[/youtube]
OMG!!! :o I really shouldn't laugh, but . . . . . . :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F28.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F32.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F33.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F32.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
One of the best ones. Ever.
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My mom and I watched these three vids in the order that I'm posting them, and we were laughing so hard.
Shame on you, Chuck, for laughing at the misfortunes of others. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I did like Miss Scarlett in slo-mo. And the puppy in video #2 was adorable.
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Not only taking benefit of this thread today, but I actually have something to share:
(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/3f830937.jpg)
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Not many hikers and bikers to be seen there, I guess they were too good..... ::)
(isn't a bike a vehicle, btw?)
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is it crocodiles a long side the road? With that knowledge I am not sure if I even would wanna be in the middle of road. ;D
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Not only taking benefit of this thread today, but I actually have something to share:
(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/3f830937.jpg)
Yikes! I wouldn't want to urgently have to make a comfort stop whilst traveling along that road!!! :o
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Pearls of Wisdom
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
* God must love stupid people; He made so many.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
* Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
* I have a Degree in the Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
* The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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Shame on you, Chuck, for laughing at the misfortunes of others. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I did like Miss Scarlett in slo-mo. And the puppy in video #2 was adorable.
Oh Paul, I wish you could've seen me, I was doubled over laughing!
Miss Scarlett in slo-mo is great!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/supidcat.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/supidcat.jpg)
Perfect! I HATE those damn shoes!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/Vet.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F18.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F29.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F30.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F34.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F23.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/F36.jpg)
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(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/08101d0e.jpg)
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(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/8e1ba0e9.jpg)
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(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/8e1ba0e9.jpg)
ha ha it might acctually be a good thing, if you don´t like to be filmed. ;D
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LMAO at the secret nuclear bunker!!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Life really boils down to 2 questions . . .
1. Should I get a dog?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-A.jpg)
OR
2. Should I have children?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-B.jpg)
No matter what situations life throws at you . . .
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem . . .
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-C.jpg)
Have a great day and remember to give thanks . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-D.jpg)
Cats are so dramatic!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/bigfoot.jpg)
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Life really boils down to 2 questions . . .
1. Should I get a dog?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-A.jpg)
OR
2. Should I have children?
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-B.jpg)
OMG, I'm doomed! I have both! :o
No matter what situations life throws at you . . .
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem . . .
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/1-C.jpg)
LOL. Love this :laugh:.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/nuts.jpg)
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There, I fixed it . . . .
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A2.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A3.jpg)
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lmao! the "fixed it" series is just..........wrong.
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lmao! the "fixed it" series is just..........wrong.
Stay tuned, Chuck! There's more to come in the fixed it series! :D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A4.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A5.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A6.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A7.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A8.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A9.jpg)
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More feel-good than funny - Matt Alber's End of the World.
Stunning! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTvJdpkdLiw[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/A8.jpg)
...somehow, as a coat hanger......
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Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/26-3.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/mexico2.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/ignore.png)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/A10.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/A11.jpg)
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Why can't there be more advertisements like this? It's cute, sexy, funny . . . and it sells the product too. Love it! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP-RTRCacLI&NR=1&feature=fvwp[/youtube]
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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Haha, love it! But they're not just for women. I would find several of those drugs most beneficial myself! ;) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/26-7.jpg)
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said . . . .
:laugh: (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/funny1.jpg) :laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/lost.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/A12.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/interest.jpg)
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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay,"' said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/LOL.gif)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/karaoke.jpg)
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A group of 40-year-old golf buddies discuss and discuss where they should
meet for dinner.
Finally they agree to meet at Horse & Angel Tavern because the waitresses
there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50, after another long discussion, they agree to meet at
Horse & Angel because the food and the beer selection are good.
10 years later when they are 60, the group talks and talks about where to go
and finally decides to dine at Horse & Angel because they can eat there in
peace and quiet, it's cheap, and it's smoke free.
In 10 more years when they are all 70, the men again discuss and discuss
where they should meet. Finally they agree on Horse & Angel because it is
wheelchair accessible and has a large restroom with no waiting.
10 years later, when they are 80, the group plans to meets again and after a
long discussion, they decide to go to Horse & Angel because they have never
been there before.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/26-11.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/QB.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/scales.gif)
Universal Laws
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
And a couple of my own . . . .
Law of Knots - Any cord whatsoever, of any kind, will automatically and involuntarily, tie itself into an immensely intricate knot of dazzling complexity, all of its own accord.
Law of Blinds - When presented with the option to pull either the left or right side of a blind cord, to either open or close the blind, you will always pull the wrong side.
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lmao!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/redo.gif)
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:laugh:
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/prayer.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/mixup.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CNY1.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/26-9.jpg)
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WARNING: A friend emailed this joke to me today and I have reproduced it here verbatim. As it relates to, and makes light of, a certain contentious, topical issue, some people may find it offensive and it might be prudent for such people not to progress beyond this point. I agonised about whether or not to post it and finally decided to do so, primarily because it does not vilify anyone, and also because it highlights, with humour, the futility of the entire situation. If you are very strongly opposed to the reproduction of this joke here, please PM me and I will delete it immediately. Here's the joke:
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one too."
Again, the Marine went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, "Why does it have to be this way?"
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes?
This pissing in cokes?"
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
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I think it's a good joke, Kerry, and also that "futility" is a good choice of words to describe the ongoing situation.
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I think it's a good joke, Kerry, and also that "futility" is a good choice of words to describe the ongoing situation.
I'm reminded of the lyrics to the Chaplin song, "Smile" . . . .
Smile tho' your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by if you -
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile - What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu-rLA4POkI[/youtube]
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/540.gif)
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store..
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well ...
only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them!
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Mynahs.jpg)
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Flash Mob at Sydney's Bondi Beach . . . . with a twist! ;) :laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao4DkbGbxl0[/youtube]
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Cool vid Kerry....easy to dance along with that music
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You have succeeded in making me homesick, Kerry. Except realistically it is many years since I actually attended Mardi Gras. In the 80's I never missed. Happy Mardi Gras.
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Cool vid Kerry....easy to dance along with that music
Yep, looks like they all had a lot of fun - participants and onlookers. :D
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You have succeeded in making me homesick, Kerry. Except realistically it is many years since I actually attended Mardi Gras. In the 80's I never missed. Happy Mardi Gras.
Happy Mardi Gras, Brian! :D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CandH.jpg)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%202/gaymarriage-1.gif)
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(http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/3023/264i.jpg) (http://img522.imageshack.us/i/264i.jpg/)
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(http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/9641/funfur.jpg) (http://img189.imageshack.us/i/funfur.jpg/)
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>How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>
> Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
>
> Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
>
> Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
>
> Rottweiler: Make me.
>
> Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
>
> Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
>
> German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
>
> Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
>
> Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
>
> Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
>
> Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
>
> Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
>
> Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
>
> Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
>
>How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
>
> 'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'
>
>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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>ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
:laugh: That's very true. And it's probably why I'd prefer to take a German Shepherd over a cat any day. I grew up with a German Shepherd. They are beautiful dogs. :D
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(http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/2636/20001015.gif) (http://img36.imageshack.us/i/20001015.gif/)
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(http://img708.imageshack.us/img708/261/diffr.jpg) (http://img708.imageshack.us/i/diffr.jpg/)
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(http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/1298/dreamx.jpg) (http://img521.imageshack.us/i/dreamx.jpg/)
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I don't know if this was posted here before, so if it was, I'm sorry.
but it fits the theme of the last few posts.
(http://18.media.tumblr.com/sdYsolKXXqtb2fduEdUQZ98ao1_500.jpg)
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I don't know if this was posted here before, so if it was, I'm sorry.
but it fits the theme of the last few posts.
Feel free to post all the funnies you've got, Chuck! New or pre-loved, no matter! A laugh is a laugh is a laugh (apologies to Ms Stein!) :D
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(http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/4182/262jb.jpg) (http://img69.imageshack.us/i/262jb.jpg/)
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(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/6681a99a.jpg)
;D
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;D
:o ??? I'll wait until I get home thanks! ;) ;) ;) :laugh:
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(http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/3674/f26.jpg) (http://img412.imageshack.us/i/f26.jpg/)
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(http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/3079/techd.jpg) (http://img411.imageshack.us/i/techd.jpg/)
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(http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/7290/49761336.jpg) (http://img36.imageshack.us/i/49761336.jpg/)
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(http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/4845/82154370.jpg) (http://img188.imageshack.us/i/82154370.jpg/)
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(http://img697.imageshack.us/img697/349/93569411.jpg) (http://img697.imageshack.us/i/93569411.jpg/)
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(http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/6332/blessu.jpg) (http://img27.imageshack.us/i/blessu.jpg/)
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Question:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even notice that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the damn light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, TWO DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was that question, again?
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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
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The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers..
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Golf, Football, Hunting or Fishing.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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(http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/8075/karaokebv.jpg) (http://img18.imageshack.us/i/karaokebv.jpg/)
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(http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/6638/cowu.jpg) (http://img442.imageshack.us/i/cowu.jpg/)
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(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/9a82fdb8.jpg)
(Sorry if I posted this already. I thought I may have, but couldn't find it)
-
Management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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The Irish Millionaire.
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Okay", says Tarrant, "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow?
b) Thrush,?
c) Magpie?
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." says Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy, back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the corrrrect answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy......, How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy shouted ........."Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tits.
Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus,
closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of
Dr. Smith's?'
Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'
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(http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/2835/266b.jpg) (http://img175.imageshack.us/i/266b.jpg/)
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(http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/3381/agendacm.jpg) (http://img17.imageshack.us/i/agendacm.jpg/)
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(http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/2851/opinion.jpg) (http://img63.imageshack.us/i/opinion.jpg/)
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(http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/6935/turtlep.gif) (http://img189.imageshack.us/i/turtlep.gif/)
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Anyone remember The Golden Girls? I loved that show! A friend emailed this link to me earlier today and it brought back so many memories about that time in my life. It made me laugh too. :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube. com/watch? v=VqAJIvbnkZg[/youtube]
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/8120/bridgep.jpg) (http://img413.imageshack.us/i/bridgep.jpg/)
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(http://img697.imageshack.us/img697/5312/buttonrx.jpg) (http://img697.imageshack.us/i/buttonrx.jpg/)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/meeting.jpg)
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(http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/5733/58918919.jpg) (http://img511.imageshack.us/i/58918919.jpg/)
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(http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/9421/261av.jpg) (http://img199.imageshack.us/i/261av.jpg/)
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(http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/5685/humor3.jpg) (http://img410.imageshack.us/i/humor3.jpg/)
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This is brilliant!
Ennio Marchetto is a world renowned and awarded comedian who has created his own theatrical language mixing mime, dance, music and quick change costumes made out of card-board and paper.
In 18 years Ennio has performed in over 70 countries for more than a million people. His show has received numerous awards and international critical acclaim. He is Italian and does impressions of stars and singers using paper costumes that transform from one person into another. He is incredible!!
(Turn on Sound)
Meet Ennio Marchetto . . . .
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube. com/watch? v=sAFI1i5FIBc[/youtube]
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That's encredible, Kerry!!
He's hilarious!!! ;D :laugh:
And very skilled!
And his name...... just replace the last letter...... 8)
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(http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/9543/funny3pn.jpg) (http://img27.imageshack.us/i/funny3pn.jpg/)
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(http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/3153/265w.jpg) (http://img197.imageshack.us/i/265w.jpg/)
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(http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/9181/funny515.jpg) (http://img195.imageshack.us/i/funny515.jpg/)
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You mean cat back on the caffeine! ;D
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/151.jpg)
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(http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/3941/nails.jpg) (http://img265.imageshack.us/i/nails.jpg/)
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(http://img708.imageshack.us/img708/4107/spiderl.jpg) (http://img708.imageshack.us/i/spiderl.jpg/)
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Crikey! £225 for Gay Bob?! :o
Do I get a discount for the battered box? ???
(Hmm, Kerry thinks Gay Bob looks somewhat battered too)
Oh well, guess I can't complain. After all, he does come with his very own clothing catalogue! ::) ;) :laugh:
(http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/7840/gaybob.jpg) (http://img80.imageshack.us/i/gaybob.jpg/)
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Since this thread began waaaaaay back in January 2007, it has attracted 75,623 visits, spanning 4,135 posts!
I'm absolutely thrilled about that. Especially so, considering this is a humor thread and that, as such, it has brought happiness, joy and laughter into the lives of all those many visitors.
I have put together a compilation of my personal favourite Komedy Klub gay cartoons on Facebook and would like to share them with you. To see them, all you have to do is click on this link:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2030167&id=1566933728&l=66ffba5af0
Here's the very first funny-foto I posted in the inaugural post on 28th January 2007. It still brings a smile to my face. I hope it also brings you some cheer today:
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/CoolBarStools.jpg)
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The amazing Ross Sisters from 1944:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNR74UCidBI&feature=related[/youtube]
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Amazing!
my back hurts just by looking at them.....
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An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a checkup and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Check out this impromptu performance. It's gorgeous! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=TZwdtwi5ngI[/youtube]
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An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a checkup and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Check out this impromptu performance. It's gorgeous! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=TZwdtwi5ngI[/youtube]
Sweeeet! :)
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The amazing Ross Sisters from 1944:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNR74UCidBI&feature=related[/youtube]
:o :o :o
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An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a checkup and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Check out this impromptu performance. It's gorgeous! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=TZwdtwi5ngI[/youtube]
LOL!
Sweet!
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I was watching the Graham Norton Show on television last night:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006xnzc
Whilst chatting with his guests in his inimitable, high-camp style, Graham made mention of a website called Awkward Family Photos:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
Graham showed some extremely awkward looking photos and we all had a laugh. I couldn't resist having a peek at the site for myself. Here are a few of my favourite pics:
(http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/3451/afp1.jpg) (http://img145.imageshack.us/i/afp1.jpg/)
"Mommy, Mommy, someone's cut off the Easter Bunny's head!"
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/382/afp3.jpg) (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/afp3.jpg/)
"I wish you wouldn't wear that toupee, Dad. It's soooo embarrassing!"
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9072/afp4.jpg) (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/afp4.jpg/)
Cedric and Cyril were non-identical twins.
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/4282/afp5.jpg) (http://img13.imageshack.us/i/afp5.jpg/)
Kevin loved Margaret, and his chain-saw, equally.
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/2527/afp6.jpg) (http://img135.imageshack.us/i/afp6.jpg/)
A man's gotta scratch what a man's gotta scratch.
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/9249/afp7.jpg) (http://img228.imageshack.us/i/afp7.jpg/)
Eddy and Marvin spent their honeymoon on the fun pier.
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/8155/afp8.jpg) (http://img405.imageshack.us/i/afp8.jpg/)
Fly, birdie, fly!
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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I'm between :o and :laugh:.
Thanks for discovering and sharing this site, Kerry! :)
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Plenty more awkward fun pics to be seen at the www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com site, Chrissi. :D
Already been there. Thanks a bunch, sweetie :-*.
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(http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/8155/afp8.jpg) (http://img405.imageshack.us/i/afp8.jpg/)
Fly, birdie, fly!
:o :o :o :o :o
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(http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9072/afp4.jpg) (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/afp4.jpg/)
Cedric and Cyril were non-identical twins.
OMG...... :o :o
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Kerry, these are hilarious!!! :laugh: :laugh:
Thanks for finding and posting them!
Um.....*idea*.....the uplifting messages from thisisoz will sadly end soon.....some of us have gotten quite used to our daily fix from you...... what about....? um.... wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more..... ;) ;) ;)
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Um.....*idea*.....the uplifting messages from thisisoz will sadly end soon.....some of us have gotten quite used to our daily fix from you...... what about....? um.... wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more..... ;) ;) ;)
That's a great idea, Sonja. I'll pop on over there, to ask if it's OK. Will let you know what they say. Fingers crossed. :D
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(http://img25.imageshack.us/img25/522/gaygopdenial.jpg) (http://img25.imageshack.us/i/gaygopdenial.jpg/)
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That's a great idea, Sonja. I'll pop on over there, to ask if it's OK. Will let you know what they say. Fingers crossed. :D
Glad you like the idea, Kerry! :D
Fingers crossed!
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Joke told by Stephen Fry tonight on his TV quiz show, "QI":
"A great artist was once asked why his paintings were so beautiful, whereas his children we so ugly. He responded, 'It's because I created my paintings by day and my children by night'."
(It sounded funnier when Stephen told it.)
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(http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/4561/understudy.jpg) (http://img411.imageshack.us/i/understudy.jpg/)
"The Understudy"
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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That's a great idea, Sonja. I'll pop on over there, to ask if it's OK. Will let you know what they say. Fingers crossed. :D
I have received formal response from Awkward Family Photos, advising it's OK to copy pics from their site. All they asked was that their ownership be acknowledged when doing so, which is why "© awkwardfamilyphotos.com" will be added to all such posts in future.
Here's another of AFPs pics that took my fancy:
(http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/3513/whereswally60pc.jpg) (http://img62.imageshack.us/i/whereswally60pc.jpg/)
"Where's Wally?"
Can you find Wally in this photo?
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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"Where's Wally?"
Can you find Wally in this photo?
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com[/center]
lmao!!! OMG! I let out a gasp when I found Wally! :laugh:
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lmao!!! OMG! I let out a gasp when I found Wally! :laugh:
Me too! And my daughter even screamed :laugh:.
I went over the the awkward site a while ago, and that one was my fav pic of all I've seen.
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I have received formal response from Awkward Family Photos, advising it's OK to copy pics from their site. All they asked was that their ownership be acknowledged when doing so, which is why "© awkwardfamilyphotos.com" will be added to all such posts in future.
Yay!
Great news Kerry! Thanks for doing this. I'm looking forward to seeing the awkward photos here.
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(http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/3513/whereswally60pc.jpg) (http://img62.imageshack.us/i/whereswally60pc.jpg/)
"Where's Wally?"
Can you find Wally in this photo?
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
LMAO!!
Poor Wally..... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/3513/whereswally60pc.jpg) (http://img62.imageshack.us/i/whereswally60pc.jpg/)
"Dear councellor. People tell us that we treat our oldest child differently from the other kids, and that we aren't fair to him. We don't feel this is true. All our kids are always with us when we do things together as a family, and you can clearly see from our family photos that he's always there. And he's never complained. In fact, he never talks a lot, mostly makes kind of choked sounds, but we love him anyway. Are our friends right? Do we need counselling? Looking forward to your reply."
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(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/4876/backinb.jpg) (http://img33.imageshack.us/i/backinb.jpg/)
Yeah, sure, like that's gunna ever happen. Not! ::) ;) :laugh:
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(http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/580/showgirl.jpg) (http://img17.imageshack.us/i/showgirl.jpg/)
Lucian couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be
an astronaut or a fireman or a policeman after graduation,
so he decided to become a Showgirl instead.
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/3987/postergaysigns400.jpg) (http://img80.imageshack.us/i/postergaysigns400.jpg/)
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(http://img704.imageshack.us/img704/1689/deadmani.jpg) (http://img704.imageshack.us/i/deadmani.jpg/)
Say Cheeeese!
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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(http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/9379/cluckbag.jpg) (http://img204.imageshack.us/i/cluckbag.jpg/)
The Zelmar triplets couldn't get dates for the Prom, so they settled for the next best thing!
© awkwardfamilyphotos.com
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{{{{{{{{KERRY}}}}}}}}}}
Welcome back honey!! We missed you! :-* :-* :-*
-
{{{{{{{{KERRY}}}}}}}}}}
Welcome back honey!! We missed you! :-* :-* :-*
:D :-* [[[ DAVID ]]] :-* :D
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(http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2943/gaygod.jpg) (http://img100.imageshack.us/i/gaygod.jpg/)
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(http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/1412/doggy.jpg) (http://img408.imageshack.us/i/doggy.jpg/)
My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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(http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/2623/gaytest.jpg) (http://img175.imageshack.us/i/gaytest.jpg/)
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(http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2943/gaygod.jpg) (http://img100.imageshack.us/i/gaygod.jpg/)
:laugh:
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(http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/520/queenkilts.png) (http://img444.imageshack.us/i/queenkilts.png/)
OOPS!!!
Commanding officer Lt. Col. Simon West reveals what's beneath his kilt during
a group photograph with the Queen. According to articles in a variety of British
papers, the accidental exposure was witnessed by hundreds of people. It
happened on November 9, 2004, the Queen posed with the 1st Battalion of
the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders at the Howe Barracks in Canterbury, Kent.
Lt. Col West insists that the exposure was accidental but admits he was naked
under his traditional badger sporran. — photo from the Daily Mail
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(http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/3332/06education.jpg) (http://img534.imageshack.us/i/06education.jpg/)
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(http://img34.imageshack.us/img34/2845/z35u.jpg) (http://img34.imageshack.us/i/z35u.jpg/)
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:laugh:
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(http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/2184/greatc.jpg) (http://img99.imageshack.us/i/greatc.jpg/)
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(http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/2184/greatc.jpg) (http://img99.imageshack.us/i/greatc.jpg/)
Now that's what I call chuzpa, if it isn't a photoshop.
But either way, it's good ;D.
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(http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/6751/z99.jpg) (http://img175.imageshack.us/i/z99.jpg/)
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(http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/576/x0005.jpg) (http://img291.imageshack.us/i/x0005.jpg/)
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(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/7873/boomb.jpg) (http://img413.imageshack.us/i/boomb.jpg/)
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(http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/1994/funnypolice.jpg) (http://img85.imageshack.us/i/funnypolice.jpg/)
"I'm not sure about our new uniforms, boss.
How come I didn't get a tutu, too?"
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(http://img697.imageshack.us/img697/4548/ahmadgayhappy.jpg) (http://img697.imageshack.us/i/ahmadgayhappy.jpg/)
(http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/1595/politicalpicturesmahmou.jpg) (http://img695.imageshack.us/i/politicalpicturesmahmou.jpg/)
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(http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/6172/viewi.png) (http://img39.imageshack.us/i/viewi.png/)
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(http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/6172/viewi.png) (http://img39.imageshack.us/i/viewi.png/)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines".
Moral of the story is
(no matter what language you speak, or where you go)...
BEHIND EVERY MAN,
THERE IS A VERY, VERY SMART WOMAN.
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:laugh: :laugh:
thank you for that ego trip, it will make me sleep very well tonight
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghan women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines".
Moral of the story is
(no matter what language you speak, or where you go)...
BEHIND EVERY MAN,
THERE IS A VERY, VERY SMART WOMAN.
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A student called his mom from college and asked her for some money. His mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, okay," he said.
So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and sent them at the post office. When she got back, her husband asked, "How much did you give him this time?"
"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"Are you crazy?" he asked.
"Don't worry," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
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A wilderness area received these actual comment cards from hikers:
- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
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Tom walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter placing "Love" stamps on envelopes with hearts all over them.
Tom walks up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" Tom asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. The student got back his test and $64 change.
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
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Joe took his boss Phil to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch break. Both men were playing well, but they were often held up by two women in front of them. Joe offered to talk to the women to see if they could speed up a bit. He gets about half of the way there, stops, and jogs back quickly.
When Phil asked what the problem was, Joe said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."
Phil just shook his head and walked toward the women himself. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked, "What's wrong?"
Phil said, "It's a small, small world, Joe, and you're fired."
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So you think you're ready for children? Try these:
- Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure all arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
- Night Test: Obtain a cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 lbs of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm, lay your bag down and set your alarm for 10 pm. At 10 pm, get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard until 4 am. Set alarm for 5 am. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding.
"I can explain," the man said.
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
The officer cut short all of the man's attempts to explain. Later the officer looked in on the man and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man. "I'm the groom."
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Marriage Humor
- The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.
- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- Do you know the punishment for bigamy? 2 mothers-in-law.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- How do some men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And his father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son calls his sister who goes nuts when she hears the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
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Bob and Earl were two huge baseball fans. They were so devoted that they even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Cardinals victory. A few nights later, Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it is," Bob replied.
"Wow!" Earl said. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl. The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."
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(http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/9884/hotkp.jpg) (http://img64.imageshack.us/i/hotkp.jpg/)
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(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/9080/37101236.jpg) (http://img33.imageshack.us/i/37101236.jpg/)
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(http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/6172/viewi.png) (http://img39.imageshack.us/i/viewi.png/)
Love this one!!!
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(http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/1081/x0004.jpg) (http://img155.imageshack.us/i/x0004.jpg/)
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(http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/8053/xgayagenda.gif) (http://img824.imageshack.us/i/xgayagenda.gif/)
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(http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/2779/noses.jpg) (http://img229.imageshack.us/i/noses.jpg/)
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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
- Specificity
- British constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious
- Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:
- Nope, no more booze for me.
- Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
- Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me tell that again...
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It Must be Great to be a Guy...
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- There is always a game on somewhere.
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the young MBA fresh out of school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The HR person said, "Certainly, but you started it."
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(http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/7581/25795768.jpg) (http://img266.imageshack.us/i/25795768.jpg/)
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(http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/8284/throughk.jpg) (http://img10.imageshack.us/i/throughk.jpg/)
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IN THAT LONG AGO TIME WHEN THINGS WERE SAVED,
WHEN ROADS WERE GRAVELED AND BARRELS WERE STAVED,
WHEN WORN-OUT CLOTHING WAS USED AS RAGS,
AND THERE WERE NO PLASTIC WRAP OR BAGS,
AND THE WELL AND THE PUMP WERE WAY OUT BACK,
A VERSATILE ITEM WAS THE FLOUR SACK.
PILLSBURY'S BEST, MOTHER'S, AND GOLD MEDAL, TOO,
STAMPED THEIR NAMES PROUDLY IN PURPLE AND BLUE.
THE STRING SEWN ON TOP WAS PULLED AND KEPT;
THE FLOUR EMPTIED AND SPILLS WERE SWEPT.
THE BAG WAS FOLDED AND STORED IN A SACK
THAT DURABLE, PRACTICAL FLOUR SACK.
THE SACK COULD BE FILLED WITH FEATHERS AND DOWN,
FOR A PILLOW, OR T'WOULD MAKE A NICE SLEEPING GOWN.
IT COULD CARRY A BOOK AND BE A SCHOOL BAG,
OR BECOME A MAIL SACK SLUNG OVER A NAG.
IT MADE A VERY CONVENIENT PACK,
THAT ADAPTABLE, COTTON FLOUR SACK.
BLEACHED AND SEWN, IT WAS DUTIFULLY WORN
AS BIBS, DIAPERS, OR KERCHIEF ADORNED.
IT WAS MADE INTO SKIRTS, BLOUSES AND SLIPS.
AND MOM BRAIDED RUGS FROM ONE HUNDRED STRIPS.
SHE MADE RUFFLED CURTAINS FOR THE HOUSE OR SHACK,
FROM THAT HUMBLE BUT TREASURED FLOUR SACK!
AS A STRAINER FOR MILK OR APPLE JUICE,
TO WAVE MEN IN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD USE,
AS A SLING FOR A SPRAINED WRIST OR A BREAK,
TO HELP MOTHER ROLL UP A JELLY CAKE,
AS A WINDOW SHADE OR TO STUFF A CRACK,
WE USED A STURDY, COMMON FLOUR SACK!
AS DISH TOWELS, EMBROIDERED OR NOT,
THEY COVERED UP DOUGH, HELPED PASS PANS SO HOT,
TIED UP DISHES FOR NEIGHBORS IN NEED,
AND FOR MEN OUT IN THE FIELD TO SEED.
THEY DRIED DISHES FROM PAN, NOT RACK,
THAT ABSORBENT, HANDY FLOUR SACK!
WE POLISHED AND CLEANED STOVE AND TABLE,
SCOURED AND SCRUBBED FROM CELLAR TO GABLE,
WE DUSTED THE BUREAU AND OAK BED POST,
MADE COSTUMES FOR OCTOBER (A SCARY GHOST),
AND A PARACHUTE FOR A CAT NAMED JACK
FROM THAT LOWLY, USEFUL OLD FLOUR SACK!
SO NOW MY FRIENDS, WHEN THEY ASK YOU
AS CURIOUS YOUNGSTERS OFTEN DO,
"BEFORE PLASTIC WRAP, ELMERS GLUE
AND PAPER TOWELS, WHAT DID YOU DO?"
TELL THEM LOUDLY, AND WITH PRIDE DON'T LACK,
"GRANDMOTHER HAD THAT WONDERFUL FLOUR SACK!"
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(http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/1598/mp1107.gif) (http://img256.imageshack.us/i/mp1107.gif/)
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Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job. And you would too, I imagine, if
you had to do it. Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.
He stood on a line in a chicken factory
and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens
so the rest of us wouldn't have to.
It wasn't much of a job.
But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person.
His father was a brute of a man.
His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill
and treated Jesse rough all of his life.
Jesse's older brother wasn't much better.
He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up.
Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia.
Life was anything but easy.
And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him.
That's why he was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people wanted.
In addition to all the rough treatment at home,
it seems that Jesse was always sick.
Sometimes it was real physical illness, but way too often it was all in
his head. He was a small child, skinny and meek.
That sure didn't help the situation any.
When he started to school,
he was the object of every bully on the playground.
He was a hypochondriac of the first order.
For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to.
But, he had dreams.
He wanted to be a ventriloquist.
He found books on ventriloquism.
He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars
until he could get a real ventriloquist dummy.
When he got old enough, he joined the military.
And even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms persisted,
the military did recognize his talents
and put him in the entertainment corp.
That was when his world changed.
He gained confidence.
He found that he had a talent for making people laugh,
and laugh so hard
they often had tears in their eyes.
Yes, little Jesse had found himself.
You know, folks, the history books are full of people who overcame a
handicap to go on and make a success of themselves,
but Jesse is one of the few I know of who didn't overcome it.
Instead he used his paranoia to make a million dollars, and become one of
the best-loved characters of all time in doing it!
Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac,
who transferred his nervousness into a successful career,
still holds the record for the most Emmy's given
in a single category.
The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian who brought us
Barney Fife
was
Jesse Don Knotts.
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Does this remind anyone of Alma???
~~~
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend? And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike."
He said, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
(You'll love the answer.)
The wife replies, “I did.
They're in your tackle box.”
Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman!
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Does this remind anyone of Alma???
~~~
How could it not remind us of Alma?
And now can you guess who this part of the above reminds me of (sans the chicken)?
Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job. And you would too, I imagine, if
you had to do it. Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.
He stood on a line in a chicken factory
and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens
so the rest of us wouldn't have to.
It wasn't much of a job.
But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person.
His father was a brute of a man.
His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill
and treated Jesse rough all of his life.
Jesse's older brother wasn't much better.
He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up.
Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia.
Life was anything but easy.
And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him.
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Very perceptive, Chrissie! I was wondering if anybody would pick up on the irony and subtext of both of those jokes I got from a 80-year-old friend of mine who's never even heard of "Brokeback Mountain" yesterday, and couldn't resist passing them on together to Kerry's site.
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There was a Scottish painter named Hamish MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of the church.
Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Hamish was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, God, please forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . . . .
Can you guess what God said to Hamish?
Bet you can't guess!
Go on, have a guess!
What God said to Hamish was . . . . .
Are you ready for this?
God said . . . . .
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
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(http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/3875/xgene.jpg) (http://img651.imageshack.us/i/xgene.jpg/)
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(http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/1827/xconsequences.gif) (http://img190.imageshack.us/i/xconsequences.gif/)
That was a good one, Kerry. Summed it up quite, um, summarily, I might say.
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^^^^^^^^^^^^
What Mandy said!
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(http://img820.imageshack.us/img820/6479/xsupport.png) (http://img820.imageshack.us/i/xsupport.png/)
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These graphs are way fun! :laugh:
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I'm totally digging them, too, Sason, and I'm nowhere close to being either gay or a man. But if I was, I'm sure these thoughts would ring true all the time. Sad to say, but priceless to point out just the same...
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(http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/9015/xcloset.jpg) (http://img824.imageshack.us/i/xcloset.jpg/)
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(http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/5935/gaymarriagelegalized.jpg) (http://img197.imageshack.us/i/gaymarriagelegalized.jpg/)
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(http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/1876/trad.gif) (http://img340.imageshack.us/i/trad.gif/)
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(http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/9117/paintzv.jpg) (http://img203.imageshack.us/i/paintzv.jpg/)
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/irishvirginity.jpg)
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...'
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(http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/9117/paintzv.jpg) (http://img203.imageshack.us/i/paintzv.jpg/)
Isn't that Buster Keaton?
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(http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/5342/couchpotato.jpg) (http://img695.imageshack.us/i/couchpotato.jpg/)
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Isn't that Buster Keaton?
He does look like Buster Keaton, but I suspect it may be a genuine photo from the early 1900s, like this one . . . .
Might be necessary to scroll over to see the full image --->
(http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/6356/1420i.jpg) (http://img822.imageshack.us/i/1420i.jpg/)
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I get freaked out just looking at that picture.
I can't imagine having a job like that. I'd never make it.
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THREE DOGS AT THE VET ________________________________Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? " The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was lastnight when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? " " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab."They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then asked the Yellow Lab " why are you here ? " The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." " So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired. " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? " " I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll humpthe cat, apillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down todry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back andstarted hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said," So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?" The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! " ________________________________
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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
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you know what's coming don't you ?
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you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address
after this....
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she flew off, saying......
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "
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He does look like Buster Keaton, but I suspect it may be a genuine photo from the early 1900s, like this one . . . .
Might be necessary to scroll over to see the full image --->
(http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/6356/1420i.jpg) (http://img822.imageshack.us/i/1420i.jpg/)
Oh yes, I've seen this picture several times, as a poster. Gives me the shiver every time I see it.
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Oh yes, I've seen this picture several times, as a poster. Gives me the shiver every time I see it.
It gives me vertigo just looking at it!!! :o
(http://img683.imageshack.us/img683/2425/36463809.gif) (http://img683.imageshack.us/i/36463809.gif/)
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I've just found an amazingly funny site called "Engrish Funny". You simply must visit it! It's hilarious! Here's the link:
http://engrishfunny.com/
(http://img203.imageshack.us/img203/7760/eng23.jpg) (http://img203.imageshack.us/i/eng23.jpg/)
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More from engrishfunny.com!
I'll be buying my supply of these from the bulk-supply warehouse! :o ;) :laugh:
(http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/8659/eng17.jpg) (http://img441.imageshack.us/i/eng17.jpg/)
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(http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5654/eng21.jpg) (http://img338.imageshack.us/i/eng21.jpg/)
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(http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/8720/eng31.jpg) (http://img23.imageshack.us/i/eng31.jpg/)
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(http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/75/eng38.jpg) (http://img412.imageshack.us/i/eng38.jpg/)
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(http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/6069/eng37.jpg) (http://img443.imageshack.us/i/eng37.jpg/)
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Hold the fries . . . . .
(http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/7541/eng42.jpg) (http://img36.imageshack.us/i/eng42.jpg/)
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(http://img714.imageshack.us/img714/1/eng19.jpg) (http://img714.imageshack.us/i/eng19.jpg/)
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These are great Kerry!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I love funny signs!
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(http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g54/Chapeaugris/070423_cartoon_a_a11775_p465.gif)
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These are great Kerry!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I love funny signs!
:laugh: Me too, Sonja. I like funny graphs too! ;D
This graph is spot on! :D
(http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/2212/gj2.png) (http://img155.imageshack.us/i/gj2.png/)
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I always try to...
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/6196008b-8a3f-40d0-850a-c98b370856e0.jpg)
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(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/595c7bc8-e0d3-472d-838f-554691fe061c.jpg)
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(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129180971784668242.jpg)
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How much for an old BJ?
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129181488030174450.jpg)
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Good at math; bad at zoology.
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/engrish-funny-subtract-octopuses.jpg)
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Do you have a phonics app?
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/engrish-funny-michaelsoft-bindows.jpg)
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This stings:
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/engrish-funny-bee.jpg)
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(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/595c7bc8-e0d3-472d-838f-554691fe061c.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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OMG, they're hilarious, all of them!!! :laugh:
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Hello, Penicillin:
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/engrish-funny-bye-bye.jpg)
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(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/engrish-funny-michaelsoft-bindows.jpg)
Michael's soft, huh? We'll have to fix that.
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The EngRishfunny site is absolutely hilarious. So glad you're enjoying it. This is one of my favourites:
(http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/9764/eng27.jpg) (http://img192.imageshack.us/i/eng27.jpg/)
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Just the mango salad for me, thanks. Hold the horse-shoes! :o
(http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/6158/eng25.jpg) (http://img197.imageshack.us/i/eng25.jpg/)
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Mmmmmm! Rough influence sausage! Yummy!
(http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/4263/eng28.jpg) (http://img16.imageshack.us/i/eng28.jpg/)
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I'll have the calamari, thanks. Even squid (yetch) has gotta be better than a heart attack! :o
(http://img691.imageshack.us/img691/4981/eng24.jpg) (http://img691.imageshack.us/i/eng24.jpg/)
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The EngRishfunny site is absolutely hilarious. So glad you're enjoying it. This is one of my favourites:
(http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/9764/eng27.jpg) (http://img192.imageshack.us/i/eng27.jpg/)
;D ;D ;D
I know I don't want any hamburjer, dobol or not, but what the hell is a 'putlong'??
Is it good? Is it healthy? Will I ever know? ::)
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;D ;D ;D
I know I don't want any hamburjer, dobol or not, but what the hell is a 'putlong'??
Is it good? Is it healthy? Will I ever know? ::)
Putlong? It's 12 inches. As long as your put.
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Global warming?
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/engrish-funny-pond-boiled.jpg?w=450&h=338)
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Where the zombies go to work:
(http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/engrish-funny-brains.jpg?w=448&h=336)
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Separated at birth? ???
(http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/9770/tll13.jpg) (http://img46.imageshack.us/i/tll13.jpg/)
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(http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/9914/tll5.jpg) (http://img63.imageshack.us/i/tll5.jpg/)
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(http://img31.imageshack.us/img31/5288/tll12.jpg) (http://img31.imageshack.us/i/tll12.jpg/)
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(http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5757/pk7f.jpg) (http://img338.imageshack.us/i/pk7f.jpg/)
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The signs are hilarious!! :laugh: :laugh:
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We have REALLY BIG spiders here in Australia! :o :o :o
(http://a.imageshack.us/img3/1395/spiderarachnophobia.jpg) (http://img3.imageshack.us/i/spiderarachnophobia.jpg/)
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(http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/7953/pk5hg.jpg) (http://img39.imageshack.us/i/pk5hg.jpg/)
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I find this one really hilarious. A work colleague once loaned me a Keanu Reeves movie (forget the name of it - something supernaturalesque). She'd been raving about it and wanted to share her pleasurable experience of the movie with me. It bored me witless and I could only bring myself to watch the first 30 minutes or so. When I returned the movie to my colleague, she breathlessly asked for my opinion. All I could bring myself to say was, "Is Keanu Reeves' acting style somewhat wooden or what? I didn't see him change his facial expression once!" Well, suffice to say, she was not pleased! ;) :laugh:
(http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/772/tll8.jpg) (http://img80.imageshack.us/i/tll8.jpg/)
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(http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/1158/eng2k.jpg) (http://img17.imageshack.us/i/eng2k.jpg/)
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Honey, I'm a homo! ;) :laugh:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa3zoo4IQxA&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
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(http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/1158/eng2k.jpg) (http://img17.imageshack.us/i/eng2k.jpg/)
I'll take the spring onions, thanks.
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(http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/2808/eng13.jpg) (http://img248.imageshack.us/i/eng13.jpg/)
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(http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/6008/tll15.jpg) (http://img180.imageshack.us/i/tll15.jpg/)
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;) ;) ;) :laugh:
(http://img828.imageshack.us/img828/2520/gj15.png) (http://img828.imageshack.us/i/gj15.png/)
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Yep! ;)
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If you visit tourist shops in Austria you can buy badges, T-shirts or signs saying "No kangaroos in Austria. "
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If you visit tourist shops in Austria you can buy badges, T-shirts or signs saying "No kangaroos in Austria. "
LOL! You know a few years back they had the Olympic games in Los Angeles and people from the U.S. state of New Mexico would call to get tickets and be told they would have to contact their embassy!
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;) ;) ;) :laugh:
(http://img828.imageshack.us/img828/2520/gj15.png) (http://img828.imageshack.us/i/gj15.png/)
;D ;D ;D
Don't you have one about Sweden and Switzerland too, Kerry?
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;D ;D ;D
Don't you have one about Sweden and Switzerland too, Kerry?
Alas, I don't, Sonja, but here are some funny food pics that may give you a laugh! :D
(http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/4341/image001mk.jpg) (http://img199.imageshack.us/i/image001mk.jpg/)
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(http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/5623/image002me.jpg) (http://img248.imageshack.us/i/image002me.jpg/)
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(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/4691/image004ep.jpg) (http://img231.imageshack.us/i/image004ep.jpg/)
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(http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/952/image008ld.jpg) (http://img28.imageshack.us/i/image008ld.jpg/)
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(http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/520/image016s.jpg) (http://img64.imageshack.us/i/image016s.jpg/)
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(http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/3001/image018ur.jpg) (http://img143.imageshack.us/i/image018ur.jpg/)
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The food pics are hilarious Kerry!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
And very artistic too!
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Some thoughts on life:
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said, 'Implants?'
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my OWN pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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(http://a.imageshack.us/img192/1774/gj11.png) (http://img192.imageshack.us/i/gj11.png/)
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Tee-hee, I can definitely relate to this one, being a painter of abstracts myself. :laugh:
(That's an example of self-deprecating humour, folks) ;) ;D
(http://a.imageshack.us/img228/7876/gj12.png) (http://img228.imageshack.us/i/gj12.png/)
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I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I love all these graphs, Kerry!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Though this vid isn't exactly what you'd call "Komedy" as such, it certainly is a feel-good piece that I'm sure will get your foot tapping and put a smile on your dial! ;D
Courtney Act is a glamorous Australian drag-diva super-star, based in my home town of Sydney. Unlike most female impersonators, Courtney sings all he own material. No miming here!
Take it away Courtney! :D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klgPetAFWdo[/youtube]
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Every home should have one of these! ;D
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PcL6-mjRNk[/youtube]
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Oh My Dog....
Where can I order one?
not that I have any dogs, but this is def a must-have!! ::) ::) :laugh: :laugh:
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(http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/5935/gaymarriagelegalized.jpg) (http://img197.imageshack.us/i/gaymarriagelegalized.jpg/)
Just curious what kind of rules do you have in Australia, is it possible to get married? Do you have the British system with partnership or something else?
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A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'
The Cajun is now the new supervisor.
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/funnypic.jpg)
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OK , here's one for French speakers , but I'll explain for the others : We have a very famous brand of cheese in France called "Saint Nectaire" . A very dear (and very funny ) friend of mine in France sent me this parody , which consists in permuting the first letters of the words , which gives you "Nain Sectaire " ... which means the Sectarian Dwarf ! I was killing myself laughing at this one for a few minutes (but then I laugh easily):
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(http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm156/bbmuppslukad/postade%20bilder/bzGAYCOWBOY05-14-10.jpg)
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(http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm156/bbmuppslukad/postade%20bilder/cowboy-met-cactus.jpg)
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There I fixed it:
(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/be0a851a.jpg)
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More fixers ;)
(http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss192/Penthesilea09/a2eb4714.jpg)
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That bottom pic is just scary! :o
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That bottom pic is just scary! :o
Ineed. I thought of posting it with a "Don't try this at home, kids!" warning, but figured we're all old enough ;) :laugh:.
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OMG!!! :o :o
If this was a series, I'm afraid the next picture would be this one:
(http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm156/bbmuppslukad/postade%20bilder/ambulans-ylan.jpg)
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around
1 a. m.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night.
The man replies,
“I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,
“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies,
“My wife.”
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2010 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
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All About Chocolate
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite, and you will eat less.
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem.
Store your chocolate on top of the refrigerator. Calories are afraid of heights, and will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate make a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate will make you look younger.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control-top pantyhose, and an entire garment industry would be out of business.
A nice box of chocolate provides your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you will get one thing done.
Question: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Answer: Because no one wants to quit.
Problem: How do you get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car? Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
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^^^^^^^^^^^
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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OMG!!! :o :o
If this was a series, I'm afraid the next picture would be this one:
(http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm156/bbmuppslukad/postade%20bilder/ambulans-ylan.jpg)
is he your love interested?
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Not exactly....
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Not exactly....
so you wouldn't wanna be saved by a blond, tall, well dressed man. open the doors for you and drive you anywhere.
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so you wouldn't wanna be saved by a blond, tall, well dressed man. open the doors for you and drive you anywhere.
in an ambulance??
i'd rather not.
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in an ambulance??
i'd rather not.
OK, I can repaint the ambulance, but I am sure you want the sirens. ;)
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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"
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-------- Two Swedes in a boat
Two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Ole immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire ocean into Schmidt beer.'
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into Schmidt beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Sven said, 'Nice going Ole!
........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.'
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IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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:laugh:
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Kerry, I am sending that one on to all my Irish friends right now. I can picture them all, sitting straightlaced and bleary-eyed at their desks this early in the morning, drinking their first cuppa tea,
and spitting it all over their computer screens when they read this.
Thanks.
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Did you already OD on overly sugary Xmas songs?
Here's the cure:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6K8bHm_OgzM [/youtube]
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(http://i870.photobucket.com/albums/ab267/Aspoiledbratt/New%20Year/737.gif)
Happy New Year Kerry!
I hope that 2011 brings you
great things and happy memories!
(http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k463/dcfmod/Kiwi%20Trip%2010-09/KiwiTrip10-2009081-2.jpg)
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Happy New Year to your too, Chuck!
Here's how we celebrated the New Year here in Sydney:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1699ga06aTI[/youtube]
(Best viewed in full-screen with sound on high)
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/top.jpg)
(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)
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OMG! Kerry, that's hysterical! :laugh:
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OMG! Kerry, that's hysterical! :laugh:
Tee-hee, I thought it was pretty funny myself, Chuck! ;) :laugh:
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Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.'
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
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As we have passed through 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through
the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because
I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water drops splash over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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(http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif) And don't forget about shopping trolleys at the supermarket, Chuck. If only I had a dollar for every time I've seen a small child drooling all over the handle of a shopping trolley. No wonder they're always so sticky. Shudder. Yetch. ;) (http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/ha.gif)
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist, who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was an aggressive, unfriendly woman, who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around, to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS!
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^^^^^^^^^
Now I'm starting to doubt my own beliefs....
If there's even the tiniest risk of Lady GaGa becoming president......then I'm not so sure anymore.... ::) ::)
;D ;D
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly...
'com-for-da-bul.' "
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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
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No one believes seniors . . .. everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally .."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things ! !
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TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that in the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas -
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat
candy out of your socks?
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SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
~~~
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
~~~
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
~~~
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ;
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore;
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
~~~
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
~~~
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~~~
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~~~
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~~~
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
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A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
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A drunk is wandering around when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Subject: FW: Ancient Scrolls prove Abraham invented the Internet
Long ago in the middle east:
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO ," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: metal, wood, stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?
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Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean the same thing?
5. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?
6. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
7. Why are they called "stands" when they are
made for sitting?
8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really
is "after light"?
9. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected expected?
10. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
11. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
mean opposite things?
12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
13. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
14. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
15. Why do we put suits in garment bags and
garments in a suitcase?
16. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
17. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
19. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
20. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree
and eat candy out of your socks?
21. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
????????????
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I dont write em....I just send em on.........
Whats got more brains than Osama?
The wall behind him!
Apparently some of Bin Ladens family were killed in the shootout. I guess this gives a new meaning to taking the bins out.
Starbucks has introduced a new coffee special – the Osama Bin Latte! It has a fluffy white head with two shots in it!
6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Ladens grave
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, '40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25-year-old girl".
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $65,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but... I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.
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Paddy, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."
She asked, "Is that you or the Guinness talking?"
He replied, "It's me, talking to the Guinness!"
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A man staggering down the road is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.
"I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?
"My wife"
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman
for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people
in Abu Dhabi Do.”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought,
I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
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:laugh:
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Didnt know where else to post this email I got yesterday....hope the link comes out, if not, copy and paste, it is really clever....
And I tried Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger and he guessed it......
Subject: You have to try this, it's so cool and I don't know how they do it!!
I do not know how this works, but if you find out let me know. It is so clever !!
Think of someone who is famous before answering the questions.
http://www.akinator.mobi/
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Just did Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist and they came up too....
If he doesnt get it right the first time, continue on and answer more questions....its pretty clever
http://www.akinator.mobi/
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Thanks, Sue. That was a lot of fun! Quite clever indeed. It has trouble with more obscure characters, but it asks for the answer so it can "learn".
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Cool! I asked him to find Elijah Wood and he eventually nailed it. 8)
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This is way cool!!
Thanks for the link, Sue.
It guessed Emma Goldman (to my surprise), but not Joe Hill.
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Cool link, Sue. It got Robert Redford and Alan Alda easy enough, but after 61 questions and 6 wrong guesses, he couldn't get Marsha Mason, the actress from The Goodbye Girl back in the 70's. The Akinator starts to get red-faced and angry with himself when he doesn't guess it right. :)
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NEW DRINKING WARNING, JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth..... .Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends!! Lay off the ice!! Copy & paste immediately! You can save a life
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NEW DRINKING WARNING, JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth..... .Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends!! Lay off the ice!! Copy & paste immediately! You can save a life
:laugh:
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Just did Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist and they came up too....
If he doesnt get it right the first time, continue on and answer more questions....its pretty clever
http://www.akinator.mobi/
Unfortunately it won't play with Macs.
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it worked on my mac but took about 25 questions to get Ennis, chose some unknown(to me) cowboy first.
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Cool link, Sue! 8)
Now I know where Paul got the Akinator from. We played this quite a bit on our recent Alberta pilgrimage. :)
it worked on my mac but took about 25 questions to get Ennis, chose some unknown(to me) cowboy first.
I also tried Ennis. The first time he got it right directly. I can't explain how on earth he found Ennis after that questions....
Then I tried again with Ennis, and the second time he had a wrong guess first (character from Inception), and needed 27 questions to find Ennis.
I love the pic the Akinator has for him. Every time the pic comes up, I get a huge smile on my face. I'm a Brokie, I can't help it.
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Of course now I had to try Jack, too.
I think he had Jack nailed pretty soon, the last few (of the first 20) questions were pretty good: is your character dead (sadly yes) and does your character often wear hats.
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Should I Really Join Facebook ? (Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
AND really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Most of we senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
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Sue, that is hysterical!!!!
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NAG – NAG – NAG!!!
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the do or at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!" Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!"
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Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer & they're half the price!"
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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? You'll love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
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(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/stress.jpg)
(http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd7/suekat777/deletecookies.jpg)
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher,
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
" Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear jeans pocket, he removed his badge and proudly showed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, lowered his gaze, and then went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your ******* BADGE........ ! !"
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Very funny friend!! :laugh:
Also, I got Akinator to work on my mac, finally! It guessed Philip Petit and Danny Torrance easily, but it took 60 questions to guess MacIntyre, the main character in Local Hero!
It took about 40 questions to guess Orlando, the character in the movie and novel by Virginia Wolff!
I was surprised that it took 57 questions for him to guess John Malkovitch!! I would love to stump this guy. I think I will try Roberta Maxwell next.
Later add: Akinator didn't even know Roberta Maxwell! But he did guess a lot of beautful red haired actresses, some of my favorites!!
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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Nick's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Nick's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Nick sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Nick, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am !!!!
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(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h269/merylmarie/Catchall/IKEAjobinterview.jpg)
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^^^^^^^^^^
LOL, that's so funny!! :laugh: :laugh:
*steals it*
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Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids..
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
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Think about tomorrow, but it drifts away.
Talk about forever, but we've only got today.
Days go by...
- Keith Urban
I have that song. and the whole album. I love Keith Urban. Probably my favorite country singer. :) :)
The words to his songs are wonderful. He is great.
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I have that song. and the whole album. I love Keith Urban. Probably my favorite country singer. :) :)
The words to his songs are wonderful. He is great.
Hiya, Janice! Me too, on all counts. I have the "Love, Pain, and the Whole Crazy World Tour" DVD, which was filmed in Atlanta a few years ago. Anytime I need a pick-me-up, there he is. I would highly recommend that DVD if you love him as much as I do. I think I've watched it almost as many times as Brokeback. ;D
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Its Australia Day tomorrow......Here is an account of a great Aussie tradition.....The Aussie Bar B Q....
AS MANY of us will be gathering around the barbecue with friends on Australia Day, I thought it was timely to remind all of the essential male barbecue rules.
These were set down many years ago by the Aussie Barbecue Cooks Association and are now considered sacred.
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory 3m exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. (Here is the important part.)
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
(8) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (And most important of all...)
(11) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
NOTE: No other male must approach the barbecue plate while the owner is cooking, they can look, admire, but not touch, prick or turn the meat.
Above all they must never say "I think it is cooked now", even if the meat is on fire and charcoal-black.
Thank you, ladies, for understanding that the barbecue is the one place where we really do believe we are in complete control.
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Its Australia Day tomorrow......Here is an account of a great Aussie tradition.....The Aussie Bar B Q....
AS MANY of us will be gathering around the barbecue with friends on Australia Day, I thought it was timely to remind all of the essential male barbecue rules.
These were set down many years ago by the Aussie Barbecue Cooks Association and are now considered sacred.
(1) The woman buys the food.
Boy oh boy,, do I recognize that picture. My husband and my own dad.. Hysterical
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory 3m exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. (Here is the important part.)
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
(8) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (And most important of all...)
(11) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
NOTE: No other male must approach the barbecue plate while the owner is cooking, they can look, admire, but not touch, prick or turn the meat.
Above all they must never say "I think it is cooked now", even if the meat is on fire and charcoal-black.
Thank you, ladies, for understanding that the barbecue is the one place where we really do believe we are in complete control.
-
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Wow;;;;;;;; I laughed hard at that one...
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also, as part of your job description, have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
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Shampoo Warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and ... printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone,
I'll be in the shower!
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Shampoo Warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and ... printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone,
I'll be in the shower!
LOL Mandy ! And thanks for the tip !
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The attached picture was in the display window of a Bakery (boulangerie , as we say in France) on Valentine's Day - the owner had a warning because his bakery is situated within less than 500 yards of a school , and any "pornography" is forbidden near a place of education (what about sex education , I wonder ! )
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In honor of International Women's Day:
Medical Info Women Should Know
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving?".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Good one Mandy...
Heres one I got in an email today....its not funny, but its clever.....
WHEN THE GUY ON THE SCREEN STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH
ABOVE HIS HEAD....... WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html
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Be careful with this. I lost my cursor from the screen for a time.
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Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Somebody should tell the Duggars. ... 8)
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That cursor thing is really cute. :laugh:
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In honor of International Women's Day:
Medical Info Women Should Know
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving?".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
I shared this with some female coworkers. They thought it was hysterical. :)
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I shared this with some female coworkers. They thought it was hysterical. :)
Glad I could help put smiles on a few faces today, Jeff.
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Wasn't sure where to put this little anecdote. It's not a joke, but it is funny, and I thought it apropos for BetterMost. It's from Mike Farrell's (B.J. Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H, 1972-83) biography.
From Just Call Me Mike: A Journey to Actor and Activist, by Mike Farrell, c 2007 p 115
A friendship formed during the Proposition 6 campaign [1978 - it would have barred homosexuals from working as teachers in California's schools] taught me even more about how precarious life can be for some. David Mixner had been one of the chief architects of the Vietnam Moratorium, a hugely successful initiative in the movement to end that war. At the time of his very public activities, it was not known that he was gay. When David finally came out of the closet a few years later, old friends -- even family members -- deserted him in droves. As told in his book, Stranger Among Friends, the price of honesty -- and of being different -- in our society can be monstrous. At dinner at our house one night, David told us about a loving aunt who did not cut him off when his sexual orientation became known.
"David," she said, "I understand you suck cock."
"Yes, Aunt Helen, that's right. I do."
"Well," Aunt Helen responded with a smile, "so do I, dear. So do I."
Due to his own strong character and the understanding and love of people like Helen, David survived it all and went on to become a national leader on gay rights issues; he now works internationally on the AIDS pandemic.
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"Well," Aunt Helen responded with a smile, "so do I, dear. So do I."
:-X I guess I would have fallen off the chair, hearing an elderly aunt saying this. :laugh:
Good for Mr. Mixner, and a lovely anecdote to tell by Mr. Farrell. I love M*A*S*H
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That is truly an amazing story. And hilarious too. Oh and by the way, I probably know the lions share of Mash by heart. I have watched that show over and over, over the years. My beautiful Kelsey and I used to watch it every afternoon together, when she got home from school... She loves it too.
One of the very best shows, to have ever been on television. IMO
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That is truly an amazing story. And hilarious too. Oh and by the way, I probably know the lions share of Mash by heart. I have watched that show over and over, over the years. My beautiful Kelsey and I used to watch it every afternoon together, when she got home from school... She loves it too.
One of the very best shows, to have ever been on television. IMO
You and me both, sister. You and me both. We should have a trivia contest, ha-ha, see which of us knows it better by heart. I have had a lifelong crush on Alan Alda, and most of the men I've picked in my life resemble the Hawkeye character in some way or another. His first biography was a good read, the second one not so much. And William Christopher and his wife wrote an inspiring book about raising their youngest son, with autism.
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There are very few shows with the beautiful character development, or scripts that that show had.
It had a unique and stellar cast of stars. They came and they went, but they were all great.
Hawkeye,, Alan Alda
Trapper John... Wayne Rogers
Colonel Henry Blake McLean Stevens
Hotlips Hoolihan Loretta Swit
Major Frank Burns Larry Linville
Radar O'Reilly Gary Burghoff
Maxwell Klinger Jamie Farr
Father Mulcahey William Christopher
Capt. Honeycutt Mike Farrell
Colonel Potter..... Henry Morgan
Major Charles Winchester David Ogden Stiers
Each and every character was fully developed. They had family members, children, grand children. Former jobs, and all the things that real life people have. Probably partly because of it first having been written in a book. The
people were all based on real people. They were the men and women that the author had served with in the Korean War. I am sure there were not direct copies. But probably conglomerates and partials.
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YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
(I'll wait while you get the calculator here.)
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1762. If you haven't, add 1761.
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.
You should have a three-digit number.
The first digit is your original number (how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are:
Your Age!
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2012) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
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GREAT BLONDE JOKES:
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor .' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff , 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo- hoo !' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead , are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting ! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex .
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'
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These are very funny Mandy. I have always liked blonde jokes. I specially like the one that had crap in the carburator.