Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean the same thing?

5. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?

6. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

7. Why are they called "stands" when they are
made for sitting?

8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really
is "after light"?

9. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected expected?

10. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

11. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
mean opposite things?

12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

13. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

14. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?

15. Why do we put suits in garment bags and
garments in a suitcase?

16. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

17. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

20. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree

and eat candy out of your socks?

21.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
















 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

[Katie77]

I dont write em....I just send em on.........

Whats got more brains than Osama?

    The wall behind him!

 

Apparently some of Bin Ladens family were killed in the shootout. I guess this gives a new meaning to taking the bins out.

Starbucks has introduced a new coffee special – the Osama Bin Latte! It has a fluffy white head with two shots in it!


6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Ladens grave

[Mandy21]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, '40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 25-year-old girl".
 
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $65,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but... I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.  It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things.'
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.

[Mandy21]

Paddy, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the Guinness talking?"

He replied, "It's me, talking to the Guinness!"

[Katie77]

A man staggering down the road is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.
"I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."   
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?
"My wife"

 


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman
for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people
in Abu Dhabi Do.”



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  B******s to this, I thought,
I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.



I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’



On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

 

 

 

 

[CellarDweller]

 

[Katie77]

Didnt know where else to post this email I got yesterday....hope the link comes out, if not, copy and paste, it is really clever....

And I tried Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger and he guessed it......


Subject: You have to try this, it's so cool and I don't know how they do it!!


 


 

I do not know how this works, but if you find out let me know.  It is so clever !!

 

 

Think of someone who is famous before answering the questions.

 

 


 

http://www.akinator.mobi/

 
 
 
 

[Katie77]

Just did Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist and they came up too....

If he doesnt get it right the first time, continue on and answer more questions....its pretty clever


http://www.akinator.mobi/

[southendmd]

Thanks, Sue.  That was a lot of fun!  Quite clever indeed.  It has trouble with more obscure characters, but it asks for the answer so it can "learn". 

[Meryl]

Cool!  I asked him to find Elijah Wood and he eventually nailed it.