Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

An old Indian is standing on the corner. A good-looking woman passes by, on
the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says,
"Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past... The Indian
raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're
an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

New CBS program: "Gay Survivor"author unknown

Here's the premise:

Fifteen Gay males are put in a faboulous two bedroom condo in South Beach. Each week they vote out one of the group until there is one survivor who will get a $1 million Gucci (by Tom Ford) shopping spree.

The Rules:

1. No music by Madonna allowed.

2. Redecorating the apartment is allowed only once per week.

3. There is only one rotary phone line for all fifteen queens and no call can last more than three minutes; under no circumstances will cell phones be allowed!

4. The use of the terms "girlfriend" "sister" "bitch" "queen" or "honey" NOT allowed.

5. Fresh flowers will only be delivered every two weeks.

6. Those considered "tops" and those considered "bottoms" will switch every other day.

7. Only 1998 back issues of Vanity Fair, W, Ocean Drive, YM, Genre,Vogue and People magazine are allowed.

8. The only concert "Gay Survivors" are allowed to attend is the Diana Ross Supremes reunion concert (Cancelled? TOO BAD!)

9. Survivors are only allowed to change clothes three times a day.

10. The only video that can be played during the entire run is Barbara Streisand's "Yentl"

11. All underwear by CK and 2 Xist disallowed; must only wear polyester briefs from JC Penneys.

12. Must be able to discuss in length every episode of the "Brady Bunch"

13. Ecstacy, grass, and Absolute NOT available; the only alcohol allowed will be Pabst Blue Ribbon beer or boxed zinfandel wine.

14. Must be able to sing at a moments notice "I Got To Be Me."

15. "White Party" tickets will go on sale while you are on "Survivor;" not allowed to charge over the phone.

16. No catalogs from JCrew, Abercrombie & Fitch, Pottery Barn, or Saks Fifth Avenue allowed.

17. No time allowed to visit your hairdresser for a quick "highlight"

18. Can only go to the gym every other week.

19. You may NOT make it out of the show by Halloween.

20. No food from carry out or delivery; no Diet Coke stockpiled in fridge; no soy milk substitute allowed, only whole milk.

21. Everyone is forced to do the Atkins diet every day.

22. Only one person a day is allowed to do Bette Davis "All About Eve" or "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" impersonations

23. The word "Prada" can not be mentioned under any circumstances

24. An arched eyebrow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or skepticism.

COULD YOU DO IT ??

[Kerry]

                    

I would fling myself off the balcony of that apartment, to a sure and certain death on the jagged rocks below, by no later than 12 midday on Day One!!! 

It was No.24 that delivered the coup de grace for me - "An arched eyebrow may not be used to display shock, surprise, or skepticism." I couldn't survive without my legendarily famous arched eyebrow, Dottie!!! 

                       
 

[Kerry]

I was having a beer in the local pub, when a fellow-drinker at the bar mentioned that he worked for the visiting circus, and that he paid up to $10,000  to people spotting acts for him. Only the previous week, he said, he'd paid a spotter $10,000 for referring him to a cow that could do a triple sumersault. I was a little sceptical, but let it go. About five minutes later, in waddled a duck. "What can I do for you?" asked the barman. "A pint of your finest, please, my good man," said the duck. I was amazed. "Excuse me," I said, "But the circus would pay big money for a duck with your ability." "What?" he exclaimed. "A mechanic?"

[dot-matrix]

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing?!?!  I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[dot-matrix]

Wishful Thinking?  ~ OR ~ Delusions of Grandure???

[Kerry]

Yikes! Better her than me!!!          

[dot-matrix]

A baby polar bear asks his mother ''Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The mother looks up in thought, and replies ''Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear.''

Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks ''Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The father pauses briefly, and responds ''Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.''

The father then looks at his son and says ''why do you ask?''

The son replies ''because I'm  FREEZING!!!!''

[Kerry]