Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A husband, wife, and son are barely making ends meet on their farm. One morning the woman sees the family’s only cow lying dead in the field and hangs herself in desperation. When the man awakens, he sees his wife and cow dead and shoots himself.

The son finds his parents dead and goes to drown himself, only to discover a mermaid at the river.

The mermaid tells him, “If you have sex with me 10 times in a row, I will revive your parents and the cow.”

“Why not 20?” replies the son.

“Fine,” she says. “Twenty it is.”

“But wait,” says the boy. “How do I know that 20 times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

[dot-matrix]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we’ve got no beer.”

“No way,” says the second turtle. “By the time I get back, you’ll have eaten all the food.” “I promise I won’t,” replies the first. “Just hurry.”

Nine full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other digs into the sandwiches.

The second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, “I knew it! I’m not fucking going!”

[dot-matrix]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She’s finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features she’d like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A “Yes I’ll cook, clean etc.” button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You’d think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that won’t run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

[dot-matrix]

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

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Kermit's undivided attention! 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Things you should NEVER say to a Cop



1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

   
 

A man was  driving down the road and ran out of  petrol.
            Just  at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
           
   The  bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
         
         "I'm  out of Petrol!"
           
The  bee told the man to wait right there
  And flew away. Minutes later, the  man
  Watched as an  entire swarm of bees flew
 To  his car and into his gas tank. After a
 Few minutes, the bees flew  out.
           
"Try  it now," said one bee.
           
The  man turned the ignition key and the
   Car started right  up.
       "Wow!"  the man exclaimed.
            "What  did you put in my  tank"?
             
The  bee answered, "BP."

[Kerry]

This is more quirky than funny, I guess. But still amusing in a macabre sort of way.   

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No-one I know has got it right.
 
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.   
 
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?   

[Give this some thought before scrolling down for the correct answer]





Have you given it a lot of thought?





Think you've got the right answer?





Only scroll down when you think you've got it right!





I got it wrong!





Maybe you'll have better luck than me!





Here's the correct answer . . . . .





She killed her sister solely in the hope of getting the guy to attend the funeral, so she could see him again, and presumably remember to get his phone number this time!  If you answered this correctly, you think like a . . . . .

psychopath!

This was a test by a famous psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you! 

[dot-matrix]

How about a little politcal humor with bite